As some of you may know after a long discussion with my son last Sat. I wrote my DIL a letter.. In that letter, I explained to her many things...but also took ownership for my misgivings, and told her of my fears, anger, hurt and why.
I explained to her that I thought if we sat down and discussed this, we might be surprised to find, that both of us, took each other wrong.
Well, last night to my surprise, the phone rang and it was my DIL...She was so nice, mature, straight to the point, understanding, forgiving and as we shared stories I was horrified to find out what I had done that upset her...I kept thinking to myself, How Dare YOU!!!!!
We had a very nice conversation, and I'm so ashamed, embarrassed and completely sorry I thought those things about her...what I thought about her, she thought about me, and she told me....Creme, I don't even know you and I want to, and I want a family with you....
Then she put my GD on the phone, and when it was all over, I felt and still do feel, like it's a surreal event...however, I must share with y ou MIL's how I feel....
When our son's get married, change happens...things will never be what they were any longer and we must understand, our son's are now with another woman, whom he loves dearly...they are ready to start they're own housekeeping and family and traditions...we no longer can expect them to be and agree with who we want them to be. I'm sharing this with all of you, b/c there were times when I didn't take ownership, refused to believe that I could have done or said anything wrong that hurt my DIL...well, I have a shock for you, I did, and when she started sharing things with me, I was horrified by my behavior...
What goes on between my son and DIL is none of my business, what is my business is, that they are so much in love with each other and I caused them much heartache and pain...putting such a strain on they're marriage in the beginning they went to couseling...
My DIL and I were both wrong about each other...both of us, and in most cases as ours, not all but most, it does take two.
there were times when I would post on the DIL forums and they tried to tell me I was wrong and to look at things from her perspective...at that time I wasn't able to, as I was certain I did nothing wrong...however, I did plenty wrong, and I said awful things about my DIL out of anger, hurt and premisconceptions....
While I'm so very very happy that she is who she is....and that my son is married to her, I will tell you straight forward...I had no right what so ever, thinking the things I thought without talking to her....about things first.
so we made a pac with each other to promise to share with each other, from now on, what hurts or offends each other...and the past is over with, done....can't change anything, but what we can do is go forward in a new light, and I thank God for this awakening...however, I'm so so sorry my DIL thought I hated her all these years...I'm so sorry I lost all this time with her...and sorry, that I was so stubborn and selfish to think that I didn't have any ownership in this....I was so very wrong...
So, today is a new beginning...we'll take it slow, I give her lead, and we move on from here...but I cannot imagine how happy this is going to make my son, her and my GD....she said to me, do you realize how much we're all missing out....it was shocking to me to hear, that she felt not only the same way that I did, but was just as hurt as I was....
I hope in some small way....we can all realize, kindness, understanding, patience and waking up, goes a long way. I was so asleep, so used to doing things my own way, and didn't once consider, that she had her own ideas and ways of doing things...I assumed they wanted me to do things...to help them....and what happened between us, was all literally, misconceptions, and an inability to view how she might have felt...and thought about all of this...
I'm sure now, she feared me as much as I feared her...and cannot imagine what she went thrum each time I was coming to visit....
and by the way, what they did with they're lives and continue doing in none of my business...it's they're life, they're turn and right for them...
I said horrible things b/c I was so hurt, felt so rejected, and it was so wrong...I convinced myself this poor woman was trying to push me out of they're lives and she wasn't...that is what happens when two people don't communicate they're thoughts...we assume, and things get all out of porportion....
so, I hope some of you can learn from my experiences, and I will continue to share...but you know....once I finally decided to take ownership and say to myself..."hey, yanno, maybe you did do things that upset and hurt her, not to mention, intruded in her privacy, and overstepping boundaries, things started turning around. I commend her for calling, never thought she would...I was wrong about her all the way around...like my son says, she is a good person...she listened, she understood and is willing to go forward...which speaks volumns about how utterly wrong I was and I'm so so sorry for....she was so kind to me last night, so patient, and contributed to the conversation...and I found out, she was just being who she is....nothing was meant as a personal attack against me...
Sheeesh, I'm still in a state of shock but vow, I will never hurt that woman again...and now understand....
She is a good wife and a good mother, like my son always says...and from now on, I'm going to remember all the mistakes I made, before I critize anyone....
thank you, to all of you, for helping to wake me up, and I also want to thank the DIL's for helping me to see....there were times I wouldn't listen, and they were all wrapped up in they're own problems with they're own MIL's and couldn't see my point of view....I undertsand that now and am grateful to them for being so brave....we all need each other, otherwise, it ain't never going to work, as long as we're divided....
Hugs and luv
Creme
Creme, this is wonderful news. I'm elated for you. I hope this marks a new beginning. What you say is so true, it's not easy to digest but that's the way it is. I had a very hard time letting go and thought/think my dil wasn't/isn't good enough for my son but deep down I know I can't choose who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. My parents were not thrilled with my husband at first as I was their little princess, noone was good enough for me and he turned out to be a wonderful husband and father.
If you don't mind me asking, how long has it been since the two of you talked?
That is wonderful and very blessed news, Creme. I'm so glad you wrote her and so glad she accepted your part and you hers. Many blessings ahead :)
Quote from: guest1 on March 11, 2010, 06:19:21 AM
Creme, this is wonderful news. I'm elated for you. I hope this marks a new beginning. What you say is so true, it's not easy to digest but that's the way it is. I had a very hard time letting go and thought/think my dil wasn't/isn't good enough for my son but deep down I know I can't choose who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. My parents were not thrilled with my husband at first as I was their little princess, noone was good enough for me and he turned out to be a wonderful husband and father.
If you don't mind me asking, how long has it been since the two of you talked?
oh, I think almost 4 or 5 years...
but this is a new beginning, and I only wish this for everyone...I do....
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on March 11, 2010, 06:48:17 AM
That is wonderful and very blessed news, Creme. I'm so glad you wrote her and so glad she accepted your part and you hers. Many blessings ahead :)
thank you Chickie, I'm still in shock...her calling me speaks volumns about what kind of person she is....not at all like I thought, she was very brave and kindhearted to do so....
Creme, I haven't posted on here in a while but I've been here.. I'm SO happy to hear this story!!!!!!! It makes me so glad that your DIL and you were able to have this discussion and that you feel like you might be on your way to a better relationship with you son, DIL and grandchildren. Hooray!!!!!!!
Creme, thank you for sharing your wonderful news! You're the trailblazer for a lot of us who are perhaps too afraid or too overwhelmed to take this step. I'm considering approaching my DIL to clear up what I now think are just misconceptions about each other based on faulty communication. I'm willing to listen to what she has to say about my responsibility in all this. Now I need to "woman up" and take the next step. Thanks, Creme!
PS: Note that I said "considering." I'm not very brave when it comes to this stuff, and I'm not sure how to approach it. I really need to make certain I can live with the consequences if it blows up in my face. But, Creme's post gives me so much hope!
Creme,I cant tell you how happy i am for you :) :) :)The tears of joy,rolling down my face!!!
You faced your fear,was ready to deal with what ever out come there was.
I'm so glad you took the risk,of reaching out to her.What wonderful,wonderful news.
You do have a very good spirited DIL,and now all of you will have one big happy family.
I'm so proud of you Creme,that took a lot of courage.But what an awesome outcome!!!!
Sending you my blessings,and one big hug
Quote from: isitme? on March 11, 2010, 06:54:08 AM
Creme, I haven't posted on here in a while but I've been here.. I'm SO happy to hear this story!!!!!!! It makes me so glad that your DIL and you were able to have this discussion and that you feel like you might be on your way to a better relationship with you son, DIL and grandchildren. Hooray!!!!!!!
I have missed you enormously and your input...please be a part of us....
thanks so much...I cannot tell you the relief, and the instant gratitude for my DIL's bravery...
can you imagine the pressue this takes off of all of us...it's a new beginning, and I vow to follow her lead, I never ever want to cause them problems...
Quote from: Mominwaiting on March 11, 2010, 07:33:47 AM
Creme,I cant tell you how happy i am for you :) :) :)The tears of joy,rolling down my face!!!
You faced your fear,was ready to deal with what ever out come there was.
I'm so glad you took the risk,of reaching out to her.What wonderful,wonderful news.
You do have a very good spirited DIL,and now all of you will have one big happy family.
I'm so proud of you Creme,that took a lot of courage.But what an awesome outcome!!!!
Sending you my blessings,and one big hug
thanks so much and big hugs right back at cha....thank you
Quote from: penstamen on March 11, 2010, 07:03:27 AM
Creme, thank you for sharing your wonderful news! You're the trailblazer for a lot of us who are perhaps too afraid or too overwhelmed to take this step. I'm considering approaching my DIL to clear up what I now think are just misconceptions about each other based on faulty communication. I'm willing to listen to what she has to say about my responsibility in all this. Now I need to "woman up" and take the next step. Thanks, Creme!
PS: Note that I said "considering." I'm not very brave when it comes to this stuff, and I'm not sure how to approach it. I really need to make certain I can live with the consequences if it blows up in my face. But, Creme's post gives me so much hope!
thanks Pen
Yanno, when I started letting go of the anger and hurt and realizing that I had to take ownership in this, realizing, that my DIL was a Human Being and her feelings must be hurt just as much as mine if not more...I began to realize, maybe we had a chance....plus I had nothing to loose...
I didn't point fingers and say, you did this or that...I told her, where I feel MIL's make mistakes, and she felt comfortable telling me what she thought I did wrong...and when they tell you, you cannot get defensive but more so, put yourself in her postion, and disconnect from all anger....if you are a person who can admit your wrongs, to yourself and others, then it won't be a problem, unless she is unwilling, however, if she is, doesn't mean that down the road she will, just remember, you DIL is just as afraid of you, as you are of her...no one likes confrontation...both must be ready to resolve and want change...it takes two....and you must be patient and not push...and once you decide to do this together, you cannot ever bring up the past, not to yourself or her, but more importantly, move forward together....
I'll keep you in my prayers...when the time is right Pen, you'll know it...I understand now, I had so much to learn, b/c years ago, I really and ignorantly believed I had done nothing wrong, and self evaluation is very hard.....
One very important thing...which I told my DIL...when our son's marry, we as mothers have to let go...we cannot go walking into our son's home and take over, b/c this home is now also her home, not just our sons...we must respect them and never give advice, not even the smallest of things, unless she asks you...and we must understand, that life as we knew it with our son's is going to change...big time...and we must accept change....and that our son's are no longer ours...but hers....and respect his love for her and give them space. we must understand, that if they are not coming to our homes for a holiday dinner, it's not a personal attack, what it is, is where she feels most comfortable...which may even be her own home with her own husband and children and not in our home...she is eager to set up her own traditions...and we must allow them space...privacy and respect....always....
regardless of how unfair we think it is....
I'm so sorry I overstepped her rules and boundaries and tried to potty train my GD, and I'm so sorry I took it for granted that she would like it if I bathed GD and got her ready for bed...I took initiative and assumed and it was wrong of me to do....some DIL's may not care in the least, but why take the chance....
I see where some of you have said, Grand kids are to spoil...hmmm maybe, maybe not, maybe some of the things your doing is really getting under her skin, like giving them way to much sugar...which if it's one of her rules, you owe her the respect to not do so....we all need to ask our DIL's what we can and cannot do, and if we fight it and become stubborn and cop the attitude that I did...like I have a right and am entitled b/c this is my son's child, my GC, well then, that is not respecting her wishes and rules, and her rules are going to be much different from the way I grew up...there is a generation gap that must be understood...times change, so do the way things are done.
I hope, really hope and pray, I've been of some help to all of you...
Creme when I responded to your other thread, I had not gone down and read this great news thread yet. Wow!
Very good news!
Creme,
That is great news...4 or 5 years is a long time. I'm glad you both have finally accepted each other back into your lives. You all have a lot of catching up to do.
Spoiling my grandchild is not something I do everyday. I have seen my dil eat chips, candy, ice cream in front of him and refuse to give him any. Watched him cry because her rules that apply to my grandchild do not apply to herself. Spoiling is only a bad thing if you overindulge.
Giving him treats and toys every so often is what I do.
He also gets a lot of love and affection from me..and he needs it!
Quote from: cremebrulee on March 11, 2010, 08:00:43 AM
Quote from: isitme? on March 11, 2010, 06:54:08 AM
Creme, I haven't posted on here in a while but I've been here.. I'm SO happy to hear this story!!!!!!! It makes me so glad that your DIL and you were able to have this discussion and that you feel like you might be on your way to a better relationship with you son, DIL and grandchildren. Hooray!!!!!!!
I have missed you enormously and your input...please be a part of us....
thanks so much...I cannot tell you the relief, and the instant gratitude for my DIL's bravery...
can you imagine the pressue this takes off of all of us...it's a new beginning, and I vow to follow her lead, I never ever want to cause them problems...
thanks Creme, I've missed you too! - like I said I've been reading here so I feel like I"m keeping up with all of you, even if I haven't been posting a lot. Where I can add my two cents, I definitely will! I'm SO happy you and your DIL have been able to reach this step. I think you've done so much work to make this happen!
Quote from: Sassy on March 11, 2010, 11:00:58 AM
Creme when I responded to your other thread, I had not gone down and read this great news thread yet. Wow!
Very good news!
Thanks so much Sassy...and hugs
Quote from: RedRose on March 11, 2010, 11:48:07 AM
Creme,
That is great news...4 or 5 years is a long time. I'm glad you both have finally accepted each other back into your lives. You all have a lot of catching up to do.
Spoiling my grandchild is not something I do everyday. I have seen my dil eat chips, candy, ice cream in front of him and refuse to give him any. Watched him cry because her rules that apply to my grandchild do not apply to herself. Spoiling is only a bad thing if you overindulge.
Giving him treats and toys every so often is what I do.
He also gets a lot of love and affection from me..and he needs it!
Hi Red Rose, thanks so much....it's just that I learned one heck of a hard lesson through this...and I do understand your position...we do tend to spoil our GC...however, I know women who watch they're GC and they're DIL's don't mind, they smile, they seem to understand...however, they're are other DIL's who do mind...and I just wanted to forwarn everyone so that no one looses privledges...one very important thing I've learned through this, is, just b/c my son was my son...I simply took it for granted that everything I did was ok...b/c I know my son, but now, there is another person who came into our lives...who thinks and feels differently about things...that person is his wife, partner, companion...what I neglected to understand is, now things change, everything that I knew, will change b/c I'm no longer number one woman in his life...so, when I didn't acknowledge that, I overstepped boundaries, failed to look at things from her point of view...things I did, which were basically the way I was raised, wasn't what she wanted...at the time, when it was bought to my attention, I took it as a personal attack, and all she was trying to do was say, I don't want it done that way...so I ignored her feelings, and brushed them under the rug....thinking everything I was doing was ok....which proves how mentally conditioned we all are, not to mention, asleep, and unable to recognize this....this was my biggest awakening....I never meant to hurt her, it was the last thing in the world I wanted to do...but I did, without realizing it or acknowledging it. And please know, I'm talking to everyone here.
I consider myself very blessed and lucky...and my situation isn't going to work for everyone...however, I do know and realize, an awful lot of this stuff is so silly....at the time it seems huge and hurtful....but it really isn't...which proves to me, that I was insecure myself, b/c I didn't sit down right away and ask her for her opinion, apologize for hurting her...and actually listening to her, not talking to her.
We've both grown in the past years...matured, and when I was able to take ownership for my paret in this and listen to her....how I hurt her, and her perception of things that happened...as well as her me, it proved to both of us, that we were ready to listen to each other.
My DIL is a nice person...so am I...we all are....however, we all think and feel so very differently about so many things, due to the way we were raised...there is also a generation gap, things were done so differently when we had our children....and our DIL's would rather listen to they're doctors then to our advice, which is understandable.
So, I hope and pray, that we can all learn from this, and keep on being more compassionate and understanding and realize, the way we perceive situations that happen, are not the way others perceive them....and right away, when something happens or is said, we take it personally, when it is not meant that way, and so very much pain could be avoided if we'd only realize that...
And this is what I've learned, as I said, it doesn't apply to everyone's situation...however, I've always said this and believe it, that so many arguments and hurt feelings could be saved, if we'd only understand, MIL's and DIL's alike, what I've written above....now that I know, this is simply my DIL's ways for many reasons...I will surely understand and realize, she is not upset with me, it's just how she thinks and feels...and she has her own dreams of how she wants things to be....
I believe I was so over excited to have a daughter, that I scared the daylights out of her, walked into her home, her sanctuary, and took over...assuming that I was welcome to do that, and I was not....I was welcome, of course, but I forgot, this is her life and I need to take a back burner and allow her to make decissions, and set up housekeeping in her way...not to mention...realizing, that her thoughts and feelings and ideas are not mine...and that's ok....
I think when I started to listen to you guys, and go over and over how I felt when my own MIL was so controlling, I started to see...not to mention, it never was my DIL's intention to estrange me from my son....she and I just had a very bad start, a lot of misunderstandings and hurt...and misperceptions....and I feel so bad, that I hurt her the way I did...I really really do.
I viewed myself as the victim...and what I wrote was what my mind perceived...however, it was not meant to shut me out or estrange me, simply put, it was the way she is....I hope someday, she will be able to forgive and forget...I know I can...but she is sensitive and I truly hope, she will realize, that I only wanted her to like me, to accept me, and allow me to love her...
boy, if we could only go back, and know, what we know now, huh....
I hope and pray all you guys can take a little something from my experiences and apply it to yours somehow, that it helps...that it gives you the courage you need to self examine like I did, and realize, that each and every individual has tons of good in them...and it's a shame, that MIL's and DIL's get off on the wrong foot....I know I was at one time very very stubborn and truly believed in my mind, that my DIL hated me....she didn't...she was hurt...and didn't understand my actions...
thank you and I hope and pray for peace in all of your lives...no matter who your problem is with, remember, always, that faith hope and self examination, sometimes, helps us up those mountains that seem endless....I want this for everyone...why can't we just all get along....? Wouldn't it be wonderful....
In much appreciation to all of you, thank you for your time, patience and care
Creme
That is huuuuuuge! Creme.
Wow, I am so impressed by your self-awareness and willingness to look inward. I think, many
of us act badly when we come from a place of hurt. That was such a beautiful testiment.
Quote from: renny97 on March 12, 2010, 09:48:50 AM
That is huuuuuuge! Creme.
Wow, I am so impressed by your self-awareness and willingness to look inward. I think, many
of us act badly when we come from a place of hurt. That was such a beautiful testiment.
yes, your right...I only saw her actions as a rejection, and took things personally that she did and said, which were not true...it was in fact the way she was...the way I was...and we didn't mean to hurt each other...however, rejection is a most hurtful thing...and when both of us perceived that, thought that we didn't want each other around, it hurt us both. As hurt and nervous as I was, she was to...and so many misunderstandings start from misperceptions...I just cannot believe the things I did, which hurt her...mind you, they were not meant to hurt her, honest...however, it is the way she perceived things, just like me, and how sad it that...how utterly sad....all this while, I thought she really hated me, and she wanted the same things I did...it's so completely mind shattering...to know, that she was hurting like I was hurting....
and I will tell you this, all a mother wants is happiness and success for her children...what is the biggest relief, is to finally realize, how much they do love each other...and that she is good to him and for him....the rest of what goes on in they're lives is none of my business, as long as it works for them, that is what matters.
I believe I elaborated on the other things, b/c I was so hurt...I don't care what happened in the past...all I want to do it go forward and lightly, I don't want to push her or make her ever feel uncomfortable again...or hurt....and I'm so proud of her for calling...that took a lot of courage...
This is really good news. Happy for you!
Hi Creme!
Just a quick note to see how things are going... Any updates? This was great news... :)
Creme,
Thanks for sharing your good news! I just found this topic and I am very happy for you and your family! I have often thought it would help to air things out with my ds and dil, but don't know how to begin. A letter is a great idea.........can you give us ladies any pointers? I have never had "words" with my dil, but like you, there may be some misperceived notions between us. My dil is very sensitive and I probably said things that rubbed her the wrong way without realizing it. Kudos to both you and your dil for your maturity and openness. Good times are ahead!
Love you, Hope
Creme,
This is wonderful........the fact that you reached out to your DIL and she called.
I am thrilled for you (and your son and DIL too).
Happy thoughts are there with you. :)
You may need to give some of us a "short course" with some of your tips.
I continue to learn from each of you and from your own personal experiences and insights.
Keep us posted on how things continue to go.
Creme:
What fantastic news! I'm so happy for you! Big hug, Momma