WiseWomenUnite.com

Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: AnonymousDIL on February 10, 2011, 11:25:54 AM

Title: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 10, 2011, 11:25:54 AM
Hi, MIL's.

I wanted to ask you all a question. Why are so many MIL's out there "jealous" of the amount of time that their sons spend with their DIL's family?

We bought a house in what is the midpoint for our two jobs. DH's is about an hour the one way and mine is 45 minutes in the opposite direction. This is also where we could afford to buy a house.

This puts us less than 5 minutes from my Mom and about 75 minutes from DH's Family. My MIL is constantly going on about how we spend so much time with my mother, but never spend time with her. I want to point out that this is not true at all. In fact, while I will occassionally see my mother on nights that DH is working, as a couple we rarely ever see her.

So, why is she being so "competitive" over who we spend more time with?

She also made a big issue because we got together with DH's brother who just purchased a home without her. Why is that a big deal? BIL is our age and our Friend.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: foofoo on February 10, 2011, 11:36:41 AM
Reality is that woman handle the social calendars of their families and they do so pretty much across the board regardless of culture.  It is difficult for the mother's of sons to accept this reality after their sons marry because it is now the dil that handles the scheduling of visits and most dil's naturally want to spend more time with their own families.  This tendency because exascerbated when the dil does not feel comfortable or welcome in her husband's family.  The MIL's see the natural pulling away and they resent it.  What a lot of MIL's don't recognize is that a lot of times the reason the dils don't feel comfortable/welcome in the husband's family is because of things the MIL or other family members said or did.  This isn't always the case.  Sometimes, they just don't see eye to eye, but in the end the consequence is the same -- the DIL wants to spend more time with her family and has tendency to do just that.  It becomes even more obvious when children come along.  Ironically, a lot of mothers don't realize it but they tend to favor their daughters children over their sons simply because they are closer to their daughters then there dils.  It is just a natural human instinct.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: holliberri on February 10, 2011, 11:40:04 AM
My MIL lives very far away from me, and I do live close to my parents.

I think it's the unknown. I think when we're not with MIL, there is an assumption that I'm with my mom. Actually, I haven't seen my mom since before the New Year...and I saw MIL on the New Year. My GPs have this ridiculous rule that I see them every week, and my parents are very laid back. I might see them once a month for an hour or two.

I see MIL just about every 6 weeks for 2-3 days. By sheer volume of time, she's the clear winner. Yet she insists that she isn't, and if she sees my mom in passing, she says, "But you get so much more time with GD than I do, it's just not fair."

I finally got her to answer the phone about baby photos this week (by blocking my number). The first thing she says is, "Well, I assume you asked your family first, what photos are they getting, are we getting leftovers?" I said, "I didn't ask them first, I'm not asking them at all, they're getting the photos I give them."

I think my MIL has this vision of being with her DS and GKs all the time. I think that b/c that isn't possible, she has created this other imaginary situation where my mom is with her DS and GKs all the time. Nothing could be further from the truth, I couldn't tolerate either of those.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: FAFE on February 10, 2011, 12:06:07 PM
My DIL's MIL lives about the same distance as we do.  We try and make a point of seeing our granddaughter every weekend.  Daughter and SIL both work, so we do not even try to get in their business during the week.  We always call and ask if we can come see the baby.  So far, they've not said no.  In fact a couple of times they invite us to either eat lunch or dinner with them.  Somethimes we do, sometimes we don't.  We invite them over to visit us as often as they will come.

His mother, on the other hand, has not seen the baby but once or twice since they brought her home in October.  So, really there's no competition at all between the two moms. 
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 10, 2011, 12:27:25 PM
FooFoo, your post makes a lot of sense. I know that I'd rather not be around MIL and her family because they definitely don't make me feel welcome. I've been told that I am not part of the family and never will be. So yeah, don't really want to go there lol

But, on another note, I guess DH and I are more progressive or something because we usually make the plans together, or he makes them. If I am making plans with my mom they usually don't involve DH.

But I guess I can understand why MIL would assume this. I guess it would just be nice that instead of being all competitive, MIL should just call DH (trust me she knows the number called him 77 times in our first month of marraige. 77!) and we can work her in as soon as possible. She also likes to do the last minute plans and we are usually busy. I guess she assumes that we are with my family when in actuality we are usually with DH's friends.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.... how can we illuminate this for MIL? We already told her that it isn't the case.

And Why does she want to be invited when we are hanging out with friends? Wouldn't that be awkward for her? I mean she is 30+ years older than our friends.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: holliberri on February 10, 2011, 12:37:42 PM
FooFoo,

I don't think that's natural human instinct, it might be a societal norm. If it is a societal norm, I think society needs to take a look at itself and fix the issue.

I'm not shocked that no one has a problem with their son-in-law. I don't think it's a prima facie gender issue either; it is more complex than that. There's a stereotype that women naturally do not get a long with one another (false, just look at the bonds formed here), are caddy, vindictive and passive-aggressive. I think that stereotype is so persistent that myth sometimes becomes reality. It's not really true that women like to fight with one another. I think it's become such an expectation that is easier for women to play along with that stereotype (or apply it to other women) than it is to fight against it.

Many women I know are distrusting of other women, and they have no reason to be. I think that stereotype is enforced as a way of dividing women and keeping them from asking for 100% equality with men on a global level.

I read somewhere that when you give someone crumbs, that is exactly what they'll fight for. One of the worst sayings I know of is, "She wears the pants at home." When we keep telling women they're the boss at home (but no place else), we're essentially telling them that's where they belong. When there's things you don't have control over, you do fight for control over what you've been given: in many cases, thats your family.

Until then, I expect this in-family-fighting between women (Mom and Daughter, MIL and DIL) isn't going to go away. I suspect that we've been taught to point the finger at other women a little too easily. That's why it's our daughter that's the issue and not the SIL, it's our MIL that's the problem and not DH, it's our DIL that's the issue and not DS.

I'm getting off my soapbox now; my point was I just don't think there's anything natural about this, nor do I think it's across all cultures. I think this all too common rift between women says a lot more about our society than it does about us as individuals.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: LaurieS on February 10, 2011, 12:45:35 PM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on February 10, 2011, 12:27:25 PM
I know that I'd rather not be around MIL and her family because they definitely don't make me feel welcome. I've been told that I am not part of the family and never will be. So yeah, don't really want to go there lol
I'm not sure you wanted anything more then validation for your original stance...
Something else I don't quite understand are these two statments: I guess it just never occurred that she would have liked to have been invited over to the new house family gathering as well.  I think you are conveniently not seeing what you choose not to see.
QuoteShe also made a big issue because we got together with DH's brother who just purchased a home without her. Why is that a big deal? BIL is our age and our Friend.
QuoteAnd Why does she want to be invited when we are hanging out with friends? Wouldn't that be awkward for her? I mean she is 30+ years older than our friends.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 10, 2011, 01:12:44 PM
This wasn't the "house warming" party. We were all at that. I just wanted it to be clear that BIL no longer lives at home. She got into a tizzy over it. I don't understand what the big deal is over us getting together with BIL wothout her. It's not like she is married to him. She's his mother.

My brother and I get together all the time without our mom. In fact it is only on holidays that all of us are together.

I just don't understand why she must be included in every single plan we ever make. She had a fit because we had friends over New Year's Eve and she wasn't invited. It wasn't a "family" kinda party.

It isn't about validation. I want an explanation as to why she feels Entitled to be the center of our lives. Can you explain that?

It's not like she doesn't still have 2 children and a husband at home.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: LaurieS on February 10, 2011, 01:42:38 PM
Well seeing how none of us are in your life.. nor are we specialist.. chances are you are not going to get any absolute answers here.  I'm just trying to follow your postings.. first you said that it was a get together in a bil new house now you come back and say that this wasn't a house warming... It's hard enough to follow without having to read between the lines.

The real question is.. what can you do to find more balance in your life.. not why does mil do this.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 10, 2011, 01:46:04 PM
My apologies for any gaps in information. Sometimes my brain thinks faster than my fingers can type. Sorry for the confusion.

What am I supposed to be balancing? I am confused.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: LaurieS on February 10, 2011, 01:48:08 PM
Are we to assume that you want  your mil in your life?  Or are you ready for her to fall under some rock?
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: Pooh on February 10, 2011, 01:56:34 PM
I think you are not going to get an explaination from any of the MILs here, because I am confident in that the ones here would all say your MIL is being unreasonable.  And she is.  She shouldn't expect to be going everywhere with you and DH.

I personally am not "jealous" of the time my DS/DIL spend with her FOO.  I am hurt.  I fully expect my DIL to spend more time with her Mother.  I also know they live closer to her family and it would be a given they would see them more because of geography.  But when I see my DIL/DS only spending their holidays with them, birthdays, family reunions, etc. and they can never do any of those things with you because they are "busy", it is hurtful.

And I did pause when I read your last sentence "It's not like she still doesn't have 2 children and a hubby at home."  That is like saying, "I don't know why she is upset about losing a finger, she has nine more."  Just because a child marries and leaves home, doesn't mean you love them any less than the ones still there.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 10, 2011, 02:06:33 PM
She's my husband's mother. For that reason alone, I love her. She should be a Part of our life-- not the whole thing.

I understand that she is "hurt." We really do see her a lot more than my mom. She gets her fair share of the holidays (more than her fair share and she stills complains about it). We get together with her and family on Mother's Day, Father's Day, Easter, Memorial Day, Labor Day, 4th of July, G-pa's B-day, G-ma's B-day, G-parents anniversary, Thanksgiving, and Christmas Eve.

We told them we are cutting back July 4th (the fireworks are set off practically in our backyard so we want to have friends over), Mother's Day (we can see her on Saturday, but my mom is the only parent still living so I think she should get priority), Every other Labor/Memorial Day (so we can see my extended family. So she will still have 8 a year. She wants Christmas Day too! Really? Is there no pleasing her? :-(
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: Pooh on February 10, 2011, 03:20:14 PM
No it doesn't sound like there is.  And all those holidays?  That is asking alot.  I would never even dream that my DS would spend all those holidays with us.  I don't have a schedule, but I would like to see them for the big holidays, Thanksgiving, Mother's Day and Christmas.  It doesn't even have to be on the exact day, just around them somewhere.  And a call on my birthday would be nice.  And I would like to be invited to go out to dinner sometime, or to see their new house they bought last May.  And an occasional phone call once every couple of months to say, "Hey, how's everyone?"  Maybe a family reunion every once in a while.  So I guess that's about 4 times in a year with 7 phone calls in a year.  And that's only because we live an hour from them that I say that much.  If they were further away, a couple of times a year, with shared traveling and still a few calls.  And every bit of that is negotiable.  ;D

I am not sure I understand your line about your Mom is the only parent still living?  I am assuming you mean your only parent still living?  And if I am assuming correctly, I don't see where either Mom should get priority.  I think it should be based on what's easier for you guys and geography and what works for you and DH.  I would be fine with my DS saying, "Mom, can we celebrate with you and see you for Mother's day on XXX day instead of actual Mother's Day?"  And the answer would be yes whatever works for you guys and I am just grateful you are thinking about me.  But if my DS told me that I got Saturday because DIL's Mom gets priority, sure I would be hurt to think they thought DILs Mom was more important.  Just as DS would be hurt if I said his brother was more important.

So I am hoping I misunderstood what you were saying.  Can you explain what you meant so I can understand?
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: LaurieS on February 10, 2011, 03:29:40 PM
Is it possible that you also look at this as a form of competition? I'm not trying to pick apart your postings but an obligation love isn't what I would really chose with my dil. I know you stated that  you really don't like going over to her house, is there anything that will change the way you look at your time with her?

I know some moms can be clingy, some may feel the need to have everyone gather around. But like Pooh said, sometimes it just hurts.  I see very little of my own son.. I don't think it's because my dil doesn't like me I think it's because she feels a unnatural need to be with her parents constantly. I feel that while it's not a competition, the time we get to spend with our child is very very lopsided... sad part is, this bothers my son too. Because of this I see a conflict within their own relationship.  My son isn't happy because all of his free time is spent with her FOO, he has a breaking relationship with his own FOO which has him concerned... He doesn't want to be in the middle of a tugging match over holidays which it's become even if we don't say a word because he knows that his wife is not being fair to him and his family as well.  Unfortunately who they are not being fair to is each other.. finally this year they went on a Christmas cruise and had a blast..

I don't think I'd spell out a whole calendar year worth of events to be divvied up.  You may be setting yourself up for failure before it happens.  Not knowing your MIL, I would attempt to address the issue as it is and explain that a tremendous amount of unnecessary stress being thrust upon everyone. Can't you let life be a little more spontaneous ... mil may not like this  one bit, but you will have set your boundaries and not having every holiday written in stone may be a good starting point.   
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: holliberri on February 10, 2011, 03:51:09 PM
Laurie,

At least in my situation, I feel like I've been made very aware that is, indeed, a competition. It's hard not to look at it like that when someone keeps reminding me of it. My mother has even told me that she doesn't want to come over at all b/c she isn't comfortable with my MIL pointing out the time we spent together and turning it into a battle. I know this isn't every case, but geez, sometimes it sounds like MIL wants it to be one.

I also think arrangements of any kind over the holidays are doomed for failure. Case in point: we were alternating every other year, which sounds totally manageable. But, Italy got in the way. I could not justify $3000 worth of airline tickets for some Christmas carols and eggnog (with no alcohol) for every year that we lived there. Then, moving got in the way; then deployments. In 7 years, we've spent 2 holidays with his parents and 2 with mine (1 of which was a combo of both our families). We're failing miserably at this every other year thing from all angles.. Life just gets in the way, and sometimes what is best for you...isn't best for the ILs or the FOOs. I can't imagine planning a whole year like this. I also really wish both of our families would adjust to just b/c it's not exactly Dec. 25th, doesn't mean we can't still celebrate Christmas.

I know I gripe about my MIL calling me on Dec. 26th to see what our plans are for the following Christmas, but at least it's not etched in stone, and DH and I both have gotten adept at "We'll see." The every other holiday thing really just created a lot of unnecessary stress in our marriage mostly. Yes, the ILs and FOO were hurt, but the ones suffering most were DH and I. It hurts when you can't meet up with family as it is, it hurts even more when it became an absolute minimum standard that you didn't meet.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 10, 2011, 04:06:57 PM
Just to clear the record, I would never EVER dream of telling my MIL that she is less important to us than my mother, because that is simply not true. She's just a little Hmmm..... "tougher" to deal with than my mom lol.....

Pooh, my dad was killed two days before my 18th b-day. It was really hard on my mom (and my brother and I), we were getting to the age where we were getting out and doing things more on our own at that point. She kinda "checked out" for a while when my dad died. (didn't eat, sleep, talk that sort of thing). So, when we started dating etc. Mom, Brother, and I didn't do the "holidays" for a long time just because she couldn't handle them. So, naturally, our BF and GF's families came first for the holidays. As a result, my mom kinda got slighted and put on the back burner. She has moved on now (still hurts when she thinks about him), but she has a new BF and is finally happy and able to do the holidays again. So, I just want to make sure that she doesn't get put on the back burner again. She isn't vocal about it, but I know it bothers her.

Additionally, my mom will probably get the day before Mother's Day anyway because it usually works better for her. I guess I just feel frustrated that MIL basically demands all these holidays with no consideration for my family. :-( We also see them on FIL/MIL/SIL/BIL1/BIL2's b-days too.

And as far as calls. LOL The first month we were married she called 77 (yes, seventy-seven) times LOL.... Well, that was just a little bit much. And they were all hours of the day. We didn't tell her anything like "Don't call us at all" or anything like that just please don't call after 9:00 because we have a little time just the two of us before we go to bed. I know it ticked her off because the next month there were only maybe a dozen calls. But she does still text a lot (not with me very often), but with DH a lot.

And yes, maybe I'm the one looking at it as more of a competition (but she HAS made that statement that "You'll be closer to DIL's mom and forget about me.") because she is so much more demanding than my mom. My mom is the complete opposite and rarely speaks up for herself. Funny thing is, MIL is being so demanding so she doesn't "lose" her son, but it is actually making him pull away even more. If she just calmed down a little and let us be some , we would actually go see her more.

So, how can we explain to her in a nice way that she isn't being forgotten or replaced or ignored, that we are just busy, and on a learning cureve because this is our first year of marraige.?
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: luise.volta on February 10, 2011, 04:10:39 PM
Asking "why" is a lost cause. That's how she is and it's best not to "clutter it up wit logic."
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 10, 2011, 04:13:10 PM
Holli,

I think that is just it. This particular generation of MIL's (not to offend anyone over age or anything) have a tougher time getting the whole "life getting in the way" thing. There are a lot more things to get in the way. Both DH and I work. He works really looooooong hours. And well, I guess I'm selfish, but since I don't really get to see him during the week, I don't really want to share my time on the weekends. Every second I spend with him is soooo precious. I'm sure I'll change after we've been married a few years lol

But then, kids come along, and soccer practice, and band, and God only knows what else. There really isn't just a lot of "spare time."


:-\ I'm not good with the unanswered "why's" But you're right. I'm over analyzing this and there is no way for me to figure her out because she doesn't think like I do.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: luise.volta on February 10, 2011, 04:16:54 PM
Some people don't think at all...
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: LaurieS on February 10, 2011, 04:33:41 PM
True.. why hardly matters.

Like Holli's situation, some people are just harder to reason with that is where you set your boundaries.. No calls after 9? Don't answer the phones, why is dh texting her back thus engaging in a conversation.. if you two stand united you'll have a better chance at positive change, but right now she sees you concerning phone calls as nothing more then a barrier that she needs to go around.  If she can steer around you for one situation, she'll do it for all, if she is of the mind to do so.

To me the key is for both you and  your dh to be on the same page.  It's no different then a child playing one parent off the other to achieve the desired goal.... you'll stand together then so you might has well learn it now. 

I'm not saying that there aren't times that you just simply need to stand firm and 'just say no'.. but once again if you two are together then it's much easier to say.. no this does not work for us... no we were planning on doing something else this year but thought that we'd get together with you guys before or after, whatever might work for everyone. Setting up a calendar means that you are obligating yourself, as you said.. life happens.. the calendar/stone things doesn't always work.

I know that Holli had a situation last week that started when her dh innocently said.. yeah mom that sounds possible.. instead of hmm let me and Holli talk it over and get back with you.

If someone has approached the situation as a battle and view the final result as a win.... then yes they are going to try it again.. and again.. they will toss that trump card out there before you can finish a sentence. Holli's mil crying is a prime example.. while she might be a more sensitive person, she is also aware that it works.

With you Adil, I think the starting point is between you and your husband.... but you do need to remove some of the ways you approach the subject.. try to remove phases from your heart that start with, "She's my husband's mother. For that reason alone, I love her." and maybe one day you can change it to .. "yes I love her, and she is my husband's mother".. positive thoughts sometimes bring more positive results.

Holli.. you just need to tell your mil to grow up for pete's sake :)
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: LaurieS on February 10, 2011, 04:40:22 PM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on February 10, 2011, 04:13:10 PM
Holli,

I think that is just it. This particular generation of MIL's (not to offend anyone over age or anything) have a tougher time getting the whole "life getting in the way" thing. There are a lot more things to get in the way. Both DH and I work. He works really looooooong hours. And well, I guess I'm selfish, but since I don't really get to see him during the week, I don't really want to share my time on the weekends. Every second I spend with him is soooo precious. I'm sure I'll change after we've been married a few years lol

But then, kids come along, and soccer practice, and band, and God only knows what else. There really isn't just a lot of "spare time."
I think a lot of moms do get it.. not many of us got to retire at 45 or 50.. ok I did but that's because I'm kinda lazy :) 

I had a blast when I was first married especially before kids came into the picture.. I can sure remember that and I think most of us can.  Only speaking for myself.. I still want to know that I'm an important part of my children's lives,, that  they still think about me occasionally and enjoy the time that we spend together.  I was fun while they were growing up, and I hope they think I'm still fun... maybe a bit more limited but enjoyable.

Dealing with insecure adults may be a part of yours and Holli's issues... oh but I'm thrilled to hear that your mom has found something to bring her happiness again.. loosing her husband, had to be devastating.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 10, 2011, 04:47:51 PM
Quote from: Laurie on February 10, 2011, 04:33:41 PM
try to remove phases from your heart that start with, "She's my husband's mother. For that reason alone, I love her." and maybe one day you can change it to .. "yes I love her, and she is my husband's mother"..

;D I hope that someday that will happen. lol

At least DH and I are on the same page already. He doesn't answer the phone or return texts (other than for his work as he is on call 24/7) after 9:00. You are right. If we aren't united she will cause us to fight and that is not a good thing. Peace and tranquility, that's all I want.


And I do feel for MIL, she isn't "thought of" in our house as aften as she'd like. We are newly weds and still getting to know one another and enjoy our time together. So, when we are together (doesn't seem like that is very often with all the hours DH works), she really is the last thing we are thinking of. I'm sure that will change in time. I'm really not "replacing" her. I hope she understands that.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: luise.volta on February 10, 2011, 05:05:40 PM
How wonderful it would be if we could all get that n one can ever replace anyone. Can't be done.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: holliberri on February 10, 2011, 05:51:48 PM
ADil (I like that abbreviation, I think I'll use it myself!),

I am so sorry about your Dad. I am happy that your Mom has found some peace somehow.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: Pen on February 10, 2011, 06:37:42 PM
ADIL, only you know what is truly in your heart.

A little BG on some of us MILs: When DILs find this site they often say, "No one would suddenly cut off their ILs for no reason." Yet it's happened to quite a few of us, me included. It made me feel as if DIL had an agenda all along and had no intention of becoming a part of our family but that our DS would become a part of her FOO exclusively. If you can put yourself in another's place for a minute, I think you can see how hurtful, confusing and shocking that must be to DS's family.

I understand busy schedules; things haven't changed that much since we were schlepping the kids around to school, lessons, sports and other activities as well as working full-time and going to school at night. I also understand that DIL is more comfortable around her own FOO because we're more comfortable around DS than we are around DIL. What I don't understand is the attitude that we spawned DS and now we should disappear.

I'm sorry about your dad, and I think your mom is very blessed to have a caring daughter like you. May your mom's love for you and your love for your mom inspire you to understand how much we MILs love our sons & they us.

Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: Nana on February 11, 2011, 02:59:44 AM
Dear Anonymous:

It is funny to read how your mil demands time from you.  I never in my wildest dreams dared demand anything from her and yet there was a time that dil didnt want to spend any time with us.  It was hurtful.  I did feel jealous about dil's mother having so much time with them and gc.   Later I saw the light (lol) and realized that it was only natural that she preferred to be with her mom and dad.   Yet, I never said anything to dil.  Did I think it was fair?  Of course not.   Things changed and I know that they spend more time with dil's mother than with me because she babysits 4 days a week and I babysit only on Fridays.  Works for me now.   They all come together for breakfast or lunch on Sundays because they want to and I enjoy my little angels. 

It should of course not be a competition.  Who gets more.  I dont mind anymore.  Now that the family has grown (three children now) I think "Poor dil's mother, it must be tough taking care of three kids 4 weekdays".   I am more relax and do my things and look forward for my Friday's babysitting.   So its funny how I feel more lucky of not having my gc more often because I too have a life. 

The only thing you can do is to speak to your mil about her demands.  You dont have to explain to her that you dont see you mother as often as she thinks.  Dont give her that power.  Just tell her that you do things with friends because that is what young couples do.    Just do make it clear that you do love and care about her.    If she does not understand, you and husband have to set boundaries. 

Good luck
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: holliberri on February 11, 2011, 03:20:21 AM
Quote from: Nana on February 11, 2011, 02:59:44 AM
You dont have to explain to her that you dont see you mother as often as she thinks.  Dont give her that power. 

I don't know if ADil needed to hear that, but I did.

Nana, I love your photo. Everytime I see it, it makes me smile.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: Nana on February 11, 2011, 03:39:28 AM
Thanks Holli
My profile picture?  It is not very clear but I love this picture too.

Love
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: Pooh on February 11, 2011, 05:51:19 AM
Thanks Adil for explaining that to me.  I was guessing it was something like that, but I have found that guessing causes 99% of problems, so I wanted to know how you meant that.  I am very sorry about your Dad but very glad your Mother has finally moved on and enjoying life again.

You got excellent advice and just like many of us here, no matter what the situation is, we find that some people are going to act like they are going to act, no matter what we say or do.  It becomes not how can I get him/her to understand, but how can I deal with this person with the least amount of conflict or frustration for ourselves.  And we pray that it doesn't come to the only way to deal with them is to put them in timeout. 

Pen also said exactly what I was going to.  Many of us worked, raised kids, did charities, took care of our house, laundry, sports practices 5 days a week and tons of other stuff, but still managed to see family.  It has never been easy to do all those things, and yes, there were very few opportunities where DH and I got to spend just time with ourselves.  But to me, that is just life and how it goes, and the priorities I set for myself.  I had to work because I liked electricity, I choose to have children so I needed to provide them with opportunities and activities, I am pretty confident that we all liked clean clothes and dishes, and my family and his family were important to me and him.  Throw in that I am a big believer in giving back to your community and it was a recipe for exhaustion. 

My MIL/GMIL did demand we attend certain events, and my Mother was extremely flexible but out of town family were there at certain times.  Did I fall into bed exhausted Christmas night because we had been up since 5 a.m. and attended 4 mandatory events on Christmas after attending 3 on Christmas Eve?  Yes.  Did I dread Christmas every year.  Yes.  It was about showing my family and his family we loved them.  It was about how much my children wanted to see everyone and get presents.  It was about making my family and his family feel important.  It was about participating in family events and exposing my children to their heritage and family stories.  It was so they could look back and say, "I remember all those fun Christmases"  Did I sacrifice myself to be able to do all this?  Absolutely...but the bottom line was, It wasn't about me.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if all the family members we are having issues with said, "It's not about me."  We would not be here.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 11, 2011, 06:15:23 AM
I think MIL expects her family to come first at all costs because she knows nothing different. By that I mean, FIL's family all live on the other side of the country. They haven't gone to see them in over 10 years. So MIL's family has always gotten every single holiday. There was no "shuffling/balancing" for her. She doesn't get that her family isn't the center of our lives. :-(

We done the balance of both families on Thanksgiving. My family around noon-1ish then DH's family (MIL's whole side) in the evening. MIL complained that we didn't eat enough. She rescheduled it now for 2:00 (all the other holiday's were already scheduled for 2:00, we live an hour and a half away so we can't do both families). We asked to have theirs later like 5:00, so we can do my family then come down, but nope, they can't do that. Well, we just go to hers late. She complains.

DH's side gets Christmas Eve (they always do the candlelight service and it is a big deal to them and my brother's wife does her family on Christmas Eve too so it works out). She complains because she wants Christmas too-- the 6 hours that we spent with her side on Christmas Eve weren't enough. Sorry, but my family needs to get together too. If she wants additional holiday time it needs to be the weekend before or after. That's not good enough for her, she complains that it isn't the "holiday" unless it is on Christmas.

So, maybe you ladies aren't as demanding of your DS's and DIL's but my MIL is and she doesn't like to share. :-(

You obviously understand how busy life is. I hope that your MIL's were equally understanding about that.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: Pooh on February 11, 2011, 06:22:09 AM
My ex-MIL, was never understanding.  My MIL now, patient, understanding and forgiving.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: LaurieS on February 11, 2011, 06:59:52 AM
My mil was totally understanding, as was my mother... I think in part it's because they love us more then they love the holiday.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 11, 2011, 07:27:48 AM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on February 11, 2011, 06:15:23 AM
I think MIL expects her family to come first at all costs because she knows nothing different. By that I mean, FIL's family all live on the other side of the country. They haven't gone to see them in over 10 years. So MIL's family has always gotten every single holiday. There was no "shuffling/balancing" for her. She doesn't get that her family isn't the center of our lives. :-(


That's a good point and that is basically how my ILs are, too.  The other two outsiders who married in (both of them are males) moved away from their families and rarely see them.  Every single holiday is given to my ILs.  On the rare occasion that these other "outsiders" families do come into town, it has to be one big gathering complete with my ILs, because they couldn't fathom not getting every single holiday to revolve around them.

Apparently in my DH's first marriage, they still managed to get every holiday.  Sometimes his ex-wife's family would join them for one big holiday (yuck.  I hate big crowds.).  They assumed this would be the norm and when we first got together, they couldn't believe that my parents didn't take them up on their offer and come over for every single holiday.  I remember thinking it was so odd that at 29 years old, he was getting a card from his grandparents before Thanksgiving whining about how this would be the very FIRST Thanksgiving without him.  I thought- REALLY?  At 29 he had never once been anywhere else for Thanksgiving?  That's crazy!  They are used to everyone else giving up their own traditions just to "fit in" with their clan.  That doesn't work for me- I tried to divide the time equally and that didn't work for them.  It is interesting though to notice that the men they are married to have basically given up time with their own families just to suit this clan.  But when the male is their own blood, he's not allowed to spend any time apart from them.  Hypocritical much?
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: Pen on February 11, 2011, 07:33:41 AM
My DIL's FOO assumed from the start that they were it and we were out. It will be interesting if one of their sons marries into a family that also assumes that :) I can't wait!!
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 11, 2011, 07:34:40 AM
Quote from: Pen on February 11, 2011, 07:33:41 AM
My DIL's FOO assumed from the start that they were it and we were out. It will be interesting if one of their sons marries into a family that also assumes that :) I can't wait!!

LOL, yes that will be interesting!  They are in for a real treat!
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: Pooh on February 11, 2011, 07:38:35 AM
Quote from: Pen on February 11, 2011, 07:33:41 AM
My DIL's FOO assumed from the start that they were it and we were out. It will be interesting if one of their sons marries into a family that also assumes that :) I can't wait!!

Mine too Pen.  But I still blame DIL and DS for allowing it.  Or at the very least, if DIL doesn't want to upset her FOO and goes along with it, we have always given them options for other days or weekends.  So it's still on them not the FOO.

But yes, I totally believe in Karma.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: Pen on February 11, 2011, 07:48:02 AM
In my situation it's not just the holidays, it's everything. We aren't worthy of any consideration. DS speaks up, but his FOO is a formidable force.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: LaurieS on February 11, 2011, 08:10:25 AM
And in my case it's  my DIL who is determined to spend every holiday/event with her family.. not her family.. they are probably thinking "why doesn't she just go away"  :D  I'm kidding.. but it's her doing.. not her mom and dad
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: stilltrying2010 on February 11, 2011, 10:20:29 AM
Just wanted to add something to what Adil said about what they do give to her DH's FOO never being enough...
My FOO invites us, tells us they would love for us to be there but if not they understand.
DHs FOO pressures us - we have to be there, are we flying up for this funeral and distant cousin x's wedding, and the FAMILY wants takes a group vacation and everyone else will be attending, why not, could we go the following year (these trips would be with my DHs siblings, some of whom we havent talked to seen in 2yrs).
Nothing is EVER good enough, they bottom line being that their plans worked out they way they wanted - the hell wiith the cost to us (financially and emotionally)

Laurie said it beautifully
QuoteMy mil was totally understanding, as was my mother... I think in part it's because they love us more then they love the holiday
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 11, 2011, 10:23:15 AM
ST- that is a good description of the difference between our two families as well.  Inviting is fine- but it's after they got the answer they didn't want to hear that the real problems started.  They tried to push push push push until we broke down.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: LaurieS on February 11, 2011, 10:37:31 AM
Absolutely.. nothing is worse or will make you balk faster then to have someone attempt to force you into making a decision that isn't right for you.  I love invitations, and most of the time I will bend over backwards to make it work.. but if it doesn't then it doesn't.

The only time I ever was that forgiving of someone demanding that I will do something when they wanted and not a minute later was when I went into labor.. that baby held all the power in the world.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: Pooh on February 11, 2011, 10:46:50 AM
Sure, if MIL called right now and said, "You WILL be here for dinner tonight, come hell or high water!"  I would be answering with "Well I hope you have a fan and some wading boots!"   You want respect...you have to give respect.  You give disrespect...expect disrespect back.  That is the world in equal balance.  It's when one side gives respect and gets nothing but disrespect in return that the world turns sideways and you hope they fall off.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 11, 2011, 10:49:10 AM
I remember how turned off I would get when I would talk to DH's aunt (or mom) and she would tell me she had already discussed a holiday (let's say Thanksgiving) with the family and told them that we couldn't make it (on the rare event that we actually didn't go- because we did attend many).  So they all knew we couldn't come.  Then I'd get a phone call from GMIL sounding all innocent and asking, "Hi, I was wondering if you guys were coming to Thanksgiving..."  (not knowing I knew she had already been told we weren't coming)  I'd calmly say, "No we can't make it...although I'm a little confused because I know Aunt already told you this..."  "Oh...I...well..yes...but I didn't know if your plans had changed...uhh...well..."  The fumbling on the other end of the line was a little amusing...however I still got off the phone feeling annoyed and played with.
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 11, 2011, 10:50:14 AM
Quote from: Pooh on February 11, 2011, 10:46:50 AM
You give disrespect...expect disrespect back.  That is the world in equal balance.  It's when one side gives respect and gets nothing but disrespect in return that the world turns sideways and you hope they fall off.

That is so, so unbelievably true!
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: luise.volta on February 13, 2011, 08:57:53 AM
Some women who, for whatever reason, feel small...love the authority inherent in raising a child and being in charge. If the underlying lack of self-worth remains...they will give up the reins very reluctantly or not at all. (Old saying I just made up.)
Title: Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
Post by: luise.volta on February 26, 2011, 03:16:11 PM
I think we can easily get stuck in this kind of thread.  My take is that we may have a frustrated DIL here and that she is still trying, in spite of her frustration. I think she genuinely wants help but has a lot of viable "ya, buts" when they are offered.

I also get that trying to be fair to those who want it all is a losing proposition. And that scheduling holidays a year in advance may be something to do but not publish family-wide. It offers too much room for conflict. If there is a MIL who can't be satisfied and a DIL who is trying and getting pretty tired of it, it may be time time think of something else. Maybe a years of holidays with friends...a kind of a hiatus. No one would like it but you have the right to get off the drawing board, rest up and regroup.

Some of our comments may help and some may not. Just skip the ones that don't fit. Sending love...