I have been reading this site and there are so many people going through the same thing! Advice needed from MIL's and DIL's point of view. I have been married for 10yrs-2 small kids. Long story short. My MIL has been giving me silent treatment for over 6months since I confronted her on her behavior. The straw that broke it was she lives out of state and last summer when came to visit she once again put a guilt trip on my husband for not attending a family bday party. It was our anniversary weekend and we celebrated by taking kids to ballgame. Also, 2yrs ago my daughter was baptised and she refused to acknowledge her special day because we did not plan it around her. Husband asked her why no card or gift an and she told him looking for special gift and then she keeps telling him she would send one. She finally said she was upset because we should hve planned it around her. But she sill never has sent her anything. What happens next big thing in kids lives? Again would she ignore them because it was not around her?
I did email her about her behavior and how she can't put guilt trips on husband and that we have never had good relationship. He is the baby and I think she had a hard time letting go and realizing thathe has his own family now. She never has spoken directly to m e about the kids and our plans when she is home and always speaks to husband instead. And then she gets mad because we have other plans. My BIL/SIL are also giving us silent treatent due to I offended their mom. I did email her back and apologize and she told husband I was not sincere. WTF! I don't know what to do. I would love to work things out but she refuses to talk to me and told husband that she would not have anything nice to say to me. Now she is coming to visit .. Please help
Welcome, Stressedout1. It sounds like you've got a bit of a self-centered MIL on your hands. I'm so sorry to hear this, but you're in the right place for some good support and advice.
I'm guessing you let her know why you didn't attend the family party? She should have remembered it was your anniversary, but if she's a bit self-involved it may have slipped her mind.
Is she staying overnight? If so a hotel might be a good option...for her comfort, of course ;)
When you're together face to face will she talk to you?
MIL has all her family here so she has always stayed with someone else. She also brought up to her son on she should be invited to stay w/us when she visits. No way in hell!! I told husband that I or the kids won't have ais nything to do w/her since she obviously won't talk to me. She is always the victim and nothing is never her fault. I refuse to have my kids around someone who puts them on guilt trips. Husband did tell her that she needs to have relationship w/us in order to have one w/kids. Funny thing is husband/ agrees w/me on alot of points I made about her but when it comes down to it... will he sti?ck up for me? These were his issues to and MIL/BIL/SILthink I created all the drama. And husband doesn 't like to alk about it and hates confronting his mom because he does not want to hurt her feelngs. What is a girl to do? And how can I just move on?
Not wanting to hurt someone's feeling sometime hurts others. It's also a good excuse for non-action. Be your own advocate, knowing that you aren't the bad guy here. Sending love...
Welcome stressedout1 and so sorry you are having issues. Even though you are affected, it is on your DH to take a stand. If he is saying these things to you, then he should be saying them to her. Has she actually used guilt trips on your children or is that just an assumption she will as they get older because she does it to DH?
I think DH needs to take a stand. Silent treatment/not talking nice to my wife? No visiting, even if she's in town visiting everyone else.
I'm not an advocate of the cut-off method...but it sounds like she's trying to cut you off.
It probably isn't personal in that your MIL would likely have hated any DIL who married her DS. Small comfort, I know.
Quote from: stressedout1 on February 03, 2011, 07:04:06 PM
My MIL has been giving me silent treatment for over 6months since I confronted her on her behavior. The straw that broke it was she lives out of state and last summer when came to visit she once again put a guilt trip on my husband for not attending a family bday party. It was our anniversary weekend and we celebrated by taking kids to ballgame. Also, 2yrs ago my daughter was baptised and she refused to acknowledge her special day because we did not plan it around her. Husband asked her why no card or gift an and she told him looking for special gift and then she keeps telling him she would send one. She finally said she was upset because we should hve planned it around her.
Welcome stressout, welcome to WWU. Your story is slightly familiar. But there are several things I don't understand. First, what does it mean to say "we should have planned it around her"? Was she there? Or was it that she couldn't come?
Quote from: stressedout1 on February 03, 2011, 07:04:06 PM
I don't know what to do. I would love to work things out but she refuses to talk to me and told husband that she would not have anything nice to say to me. Now she is coming to visit .. Please help
Why is she coming?
Welcome Stressed Out.
You will find alot of support here. I'm in agreement with Holliberry and not a fan of the cut off method of working things
out in families. Having said that I'm learning here on this site that an important element in the equation is DH. I hope he will
be courageous enough to speak up in a supportive and compassionate way to his Mom
I also agree with Holli, DH needs to say, if you can't be civil to my wife, I guess none of us will see you on your visit. She sounds like a narcissist. Also, its not just you, she is using your daughter as a weapon, then lying about it. Not good.
On a side note, my MIL talks to me EXTREMELY infrequently. She goes through my DH for everything. One time she wanted to take the kids on a 10 day trip that would have required a plane ride. NEVER asked me about it even though I'd talked to her the day before. Only asked DH, then he thought I was being spiteful when I said He** no! If she doesn't have the decency to bring up something like that to their mother, there's no respect.
Stressedout - you have several problems here. First off, you have to really *get* that you are the only person you can change. You can't change DH and you can't change MIL.
So, you have to stop e-mailing MIL. You just cannot tell 'tone' from an e-mail. Also, many people of the older generations don't see e-mail as a valid form of communication. They just don't.
You can't tell MIL not to guilt-trip your DH. That's between them. You can point out the guilt trip, and you can tell DH that you're not falling it. You can make a joke of it, as in "Pack your bags! MIL is sending you on a guilt trip!" but that's about it.
Also, she can say whatever she wants, but you don't have to act on it. A good way to remind yourself is, after she makes a request wrapped up in a guilt trip, add on (in your head) "yeah, and people in the Hot Place want ice water".
You can't expect gifts from her. She doesn't *HAVE* to buy anything for your kids. You can however draw the line at favouritism, saying "No MIL, you didn't buy anything for OlderKid's birthday, so we can't accept anything for YoungerKid's birthday, that wouldn't be fair."
If she ignores the kids and their celebrations, then it's her choice. "Oh well MIL, too bad you can't make it, we'll see you when we see you then!" You don't have to sugar-coat it or lie to your kids about it. She will reap what she has sown.
Don't wait for DH to stand up to her for you, stand up to her yourself. If you're feeling generous, tell him that if he doesn't say something, you will. So that at least he's had a warning.
I have 2 book recommendations for you:
The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner - You're angry for a reason, your feelings of anger are valid, what are you going to do about it?
Toxic In Laws - This will hopefully help you to STOP emoting for your DH and to stop the triangulation.
Again, I don't want to seem like I'm attacking you, but you're here, and you're the only one you can change. And it sounds like you really need to change your expectations regarding your MIL.
Scoop, I'm glad that you brought up the email issue. I have a feeling that if my DIL and I had stopped emailing
and talked that we could have worked things out. When we gave talked in the past it went well...It was Creme who first brought it
to my attention how many things can be misintrepreted incorrectly.
also, I have made so many mistakes as a MIL looking back. It really is a learning curve if you haven't had a great
family to role model for you. I so recommend speaking up in a calm, kind and respectful way and
then taking a time out to collect oneself if goes poorly.
E-mails definitely don't work. I also think they're a terrible format for a sincere apology. If you're going to do it and mean it, then do it right, in person, or at the very least a phone call.
After 3 years of on/off talking with my mom...no wait...4 years...we figured it out. No e-mails. Nothing gets understood correctl. It has been a blissful 12 months...we haven't fought once. We never fought before she had an e-mail address either.
FYI: I was definitely the e-mail aggressor of us two.
I agree about emails and it always boggles my mind when people say they had a text message conversation with their MIL and they sound surprised that it ended badly. Emails, texting, anything like that while attempting to engage in delicate subject matter is never a good idea!
Unilateral monologues... :(
also, in the workplace. A few years ago I went to a workplace training on civility and they said the same thing. Never use email
if there is strain or stress in the interaction, to easy to misinterpret. I wonder why I didn't get this earlier re: family.
Tara,
A lot of my e-mail seminars have said they were "unprofessional" and too "personal." I began to associate those descriptions with family. I think I decided that's what it was useful for, and it was instantaneous.
I think we're just not starting to learn that it's probably more passive aggressive than effective communication, and that we just aren't as articulate as we are with the whole package: facial expression and body language.
(Besides, who wouldn't want to look at me!?) :P
Other than here, I type the least amount possible. Ok. Thanks. Got it. I don't reply to forwards or forward anything. I hate my blackberry and don't know why people thought it was a good idea to be accessible 24/7.
No one else seems to have a problem with it, they leave me alone and know how I am. Except the in laws - sister in law said to DH that I was a "cold b!@%h" b/c of my email manners. And MIL was mad that I don't say Love, Pam.
My goodness. I'm not good with the written word and anyhow, if it is that important shouldn't we grab a drink and talk about it? I don't get it. It's like some people use this new technology to be braver...but only behind a computer?
I don't get it either. I don't sign my name...but MIL does get Love, HB...b/c that's how she likes it. She had a problem with me not signing that way, so I fixed it. DH doesn't even get that.
what was then new closing someone came up with... With Detached Affection
look at this.. surely you can find one here to please your mil
---Sorry bad link--- scroll down
Laurie, I can't check that from the phone. Is that the member list? Lolololol.
I tried typing Love, Pam and then felt dirty! Not b/c I don't truly care about her - I do (even though it might not seem like it on here.) But I felt coerced into being intimate.
Quote from: holliberri on February 04, 2011, 08:19:52 PM
Laurie, I can't check that from the phone. Is that the member list? Lolololol.
You need to get yourself a big girls computer :)
I like the first one.. Adios
Quote from: Laurie on February 04, 2011, 08:17:38 PM
what was then new closing someone came up with... With Detached Affection
look at this.. surely you can find one here to please your mil http://www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php?action=profile;u=278;area=showposts;start=0 (http://www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php?action=profile;u=278;area=showposts;start=0)
Yeah, I like that "With Detached Affection" thing. Here's another for the next step forward: "Love-ish, Pen"
Oh Pen, I love this
Quote from: Laurie on February 04, 2011, 08:36:10 PM
Quote from: holliberri on February 04, 2011, 08:19:52 PM
Laurie, I can't check that from the phone. Is that the member list? Lolololol.
You need to get yourself a big girls computer :)
I like the first one.. Adios
OMG I did just post a link for our own site.. oh man I'm loosing it.. try this one
http://www.writeexpress.com/letterclosings.html (http://www.writeexpress.com/letterclosings.html)
Some of my favorites:
Gotta boogie, Pam
Toodles, Pam
Smell ya later, Pam
Lustfully yours, Pam
Pam.. did she really make this complaint?
LOL! These are hilarious. Great site, Laurie, super resource.
Yes, in her round-about way. From what I gather she was telling people that she thought I hated her and this was one of the things mentioned that I could do to smooth waters. She never spoke to me formally about it.
And nothing is direct. I don't know how to explain it, she cries or says she is left out and feels hated or not loved by me. She says she can't sleep and her feelings are really hurt about things -- but I don't know what or I can't understand it at all when I actually do know.
I'm not a big believer in mother's going nuts when their little boys leave home.. but she may be the exception to my thoughts. It really sounds like she is totally lost without him constantly in her life. Backing her off some when you found that she wasn't even going to support you through medical problems was wise.. and the fact that for the first time your dh saw with clarity how her mind works may have been a marriage saver.... Shame she can't see or control what she is doing
Pam...my MIL made the same exact complaint, but to DH. I sent her a link on the adoption process. I NEVER send e-mails, but photos and links. So...
www.abcdefg.org
Love,
HB
She even has her own special signature so I don't leave off the "love."
Quote from: Laurie on February 04, 2011, 09:43:26 PM
I'm not a big believer in mother's going nuts when their little boys leave home.. but she may be the exception to my thoughts. It really sounds like she is totally lost without him constantly in her life. Backing her off some when you found that she wasn't even going to support you through medical problems was wise.. and the fact that for the first time your dh saw with clarity how her mind works may have been a marriage saver.... Shame she can't see or control what she is doing
You know, I am sad that this whole situation had to happen. When I first started posting here I knew none of this was going to end well. There's just nothing I can do. No winning, no compromise. It really did come down to "who's going to be miserable?" well, it's not going to be me lol. I knew (as I posted in the what I did wrong thread) exactly what she would do and she did it. I also knew how DH would react and he did it. Most of the time MIL relies on others to curb her behavior, it is an awful lot of effort to just remain on civil terms with her. You are responsible for her, very much like a child. It's an odd...I mean, ODD relationship.
I'm not much of a fan of the new fad of labeling people as narcissistic or passive aggressive or all those other lovely terms that people can diagnose others without training. But both of our therapists suggested that MIL has borderline personality disorder and she fits it to a T and FIL apparently confirmed it to DH. I dunno, I still don't know if it is something legit but you can't reason with her, can't get on common ground, it's her way and that's it. Even small, tiny things most people decide for themselves.....like, oh say what you bring to a potluck she organizes? Not kidding, the woman WILL find a way to take what you make negatively. A couple times I just bought stuff and she was upset b/c in her mind that meant I didn't want to put effort into her potluck, cause no one should even bring store bought stuff. Apparently effort in going to the store and buying the food doesn't count.
And DH didn't spend time with his FOO before me. He did the bare minimum. We both got married late twenties which is a deviation in their family, most get married very young IMO. So he and I aren't the typical married children of hers, we don't have the same challenges as a young couple, we are financially fit, careers set, actively parenting. It seems like she is able to get something down but can't change it, so its almost like she was able to figure out proper ways to treat 20 year old newlyweds and figures, no..she insists it is a proper way to treat 30 year old newlyweds. There is no individuality and it is highly discouraged between her children. There is also something set in her mind about how mothers and women should be in general that she can't shake off the mentality to actually forge relationships with others outside of her accepted ways of being. And we aren't talking about accepted ways of being as general things like "be kind." It is very detailed and rigid.
Quote from: holliberri on February 05, 2011, 05:54:30 AM
Pam...my MIL made the same exact complaint, but to DH. I sent her a link on the adoption process. I NEVER send e-mails, but photos and links. So...
www.abcdefg.org
Love,
HB
She even has her own special signature so I don't leave off the "love."
LOL, you're a good doobie Holli. I just blocked her. Booyah
Block her? I just don't think I could ever do that. The whole thing is weird...I have to sign "love" but she can't respond to tha link. She told DH in e-mail that she got the link and what she thought.
That's why you are a good doobie :)
I don't do well when backed into a corner. I tried, I did but she abused my email so she had another strike against her on that one.
Blocking is too much like cutting off for me. Plus, when I told DH she responds to my e-mail but to his address, he said, "So? Don't take her seriously." I try to listen!
I didn't see it that way at all. My biggest issue has been mainly that MIL expects and demands and gets away with acting above everyone else. A lot of the time I really think she's never heard NO.
I don't let anyone else get away with treating me like that - she doesn't get a pass. She did for a while and I was miserable.
And to be honest, it made me miserable to act the way DH would. I was nuts for awhile, I'd ask him and want to talk in detail over the stupidest things that I can handle myself. I thought it was getting advice but he honestly was annoyed and thought I should just be me.
Anyone else that abuses email gets blocked.
I hadn't considered that...I just need to man up. I do drive DH nuts talking about it.
Good thinkin'!
Holli
I guess man up applies to women to?
It sure does in my book
I try to adopt all of the sayings about men and apply them to my gender. I don't like that they're exclusively for men.
I thought that was feminist of me. Am I wrong about that? Please be honest. I will stop using it if I am.
Nope I think your terms are perfectly clear and fitting.. they are not insulting.. not even to men.. but then again I'm the one who gave my dd a pair of silver testicles on a chain and said see you have your own set.. there's nothing you can't accomplish.
Quote from: pam1 on February 05, 2011, 07:11:30 AM
That's why you are a good doobie :)
This is just making me snicker. HARD.
Doobie means something totally different where I come from...I'm just imagining Holli all lit up with a wreath of smoke around her head. ;D
Now Laurie, that is an interesting gift.
Holli, no I don't think its inappropriate. Sometimes I just have to learn the new terms from the younger generation.
I am a feminist at heart.
Well you know Tara.. some times it's hard to gather enough nerve to face something you are afraid of. Men always claim that they aren't afraid and why..what is it they have that makes them claim this inner strength? That is all it is.. a symbol of inner strength.
She pats herself on the chest and says I can do this.. I told her that if I gave her nothing else in life I gave her the courage to be the best she could be.
Quote from: 1Glitterati on February 05, 2011, 04:23:21 PM
Quote from: pam1 on February 05, 2011, 07:11:30 AM
That's why you are a good doobie :)
This is just making me snicker. HARD.
Doobie means something totally different where I come from...I'm just imagining Holli all lit up with a wreath of smoke around her head. ;D
lol. I didn't know that it had other definitions, thats funny
Yeah...doobie means the same here, Pam. Lol. I figured I gave you the munchies. I never heard another meaning...
Quote from: Laurie on February 05, 2011, 07:43:01 PM
Well you know Tara.. some times it's hard to gather enough nerve to face something you are afraid of. Men always claim that they aren't afraid and why..what is it they have that makes them claim this inner strength? That is all it is.. a symbol of inner strength.
She pats herself on the chest and says I can do this.. I told her that if I gave her nothing else in life I gave her the courage to be the best she could be.
Wise Mom!
No one can tell you if you are doing something wrong or right. If it works for you to rephrase the gender remarks, do it. I can't be bothered...I know what I mean. But/and that's not "wrong." Some things I just shorten like: "Peace on earth, goodwill to men," (my mantra,) I just eventually shortened to "Peace and Goodwill" for simplicity.
yeah I've shortened one of my most common phrases from: Yes I know how you feel but I may not be seeing this the same way, so if it's ok by you, I'd like to retain my opinion as I originally stated.. shorter version: Take a flying leap --- Is that what you mean Luise? :)
Oh, yes, Laurie...you are so eloquent! 8)
Seriously, part of my post referred to the prior statement: "Am I wrong about that? Please be honest. I will stop using it if I am." We don't know what's right or wrong for anyone else. We have enough to handle in trying to figure it out for ourselves. (And for me it can change daily!)