:'(
My son use to take care of me until SHE came along with those others that take the attention away from ME, I do not consider them grandchildren and will NEVER say they look like ME.
They supposidly are my sons, well.........we will see.
I will proove her wrong, God is with me!!
I'm sorry, are you talking about your son and his wife, or your lover and his new ladyfriend? Because it sounds like the latter, and that is not healthy.
Why in the world would you want to turn yourself into the enemy? That's exactly what you're doing, by questioning your DIL's morals and your grandchildren's parentage.
By your reference to God, I'm going to assume you're some form of Judeo-Christian. You might want, before assuming God's on your side, to consider the fact that the Bible tells people that when they're married, the most important person in their life becomes their spouse. In fact, it's an acceptable reason to ignore "honor thy father and mother".
With all due respect, you need help. Please find yourself a competent therapist, and try to figure out why you have such unreasonable expectations regarding your children and their responsibilities to you.
I don't understand you. You want your son to take care of you and not have a life? You should be accepting of these kids and the one she says is his if you want to have a life with your son. You should love your son enough to wade through the storm with him.
It might not end well, but at least you'll have a son.
Victim,
It is not your sons responsibility to take care of you; he is grown and now has a wife. Part of loving our children is to allow them to grow up and move on with their lives.
As far as the children, it is not their fault and I feel as if you should treat them as your own since that is the situation they were put in with no fault of their own; I could love any child.
Please try to pray for God to help you stand on your own without your sons help and to, at least, love the children ( God would want that ).
Quote from: Victim on December 06, 2009, 02:34:03 AM
No, I do not need help, I am the victim of jealousy. She does not like me and I don't know why, I have done no wrong. He is MY boy and I am his mother, she is not taking away my rights.
:'(
If you want to have a happy and loving relationship with your son, yes, you do need help. All you're doing now is making everyone sad and miserable.
As for what you've done to earn your DIL's dislike? You're trying to take her place at her husband's side. That is
her place now, not yours. You have no right to be there. You insult her, and question whether her children are her husband's. That's incredibly rude. How would you have felt if your husband's mother said those things about you?
Mothers don't behave this way. Since you are a DIL in disguise, what are you trying to accomplish?
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on December 06, 2009, 05:25:23 AM
Mothers don't behave this way. Since you are a DIL in disguise, what are you trying to accomplish?
Why would you assume the OP is a "DIL in disguise"? Not all DILs are evil, you know.
And, unfortunately, some mothers do behave this way. Having given birth isn't a free pass to mental stability, and mothers can be as damaged as anyone else.
Quote from: Victim on December 06, 2009, 08:40:45 AM
Aislin, I am going to seriously consider what you have said, maybe I do need help. I have never felt normal. I have a low self esteem and my family means so much to me because I don't have much of a life otherwise...
Where can I find a good counsellor?
Ask your GP for a referral to a counselor. And don't be afraid to "shop around". Not every therapist is the right fit for every patient. It may take some time to find someone you trust and feel comfortable with--and that's okay! It's much better to look around and find the right person than to stick with the first referral you get and go no place.
If I may offer another suggestion: there are lots of ways you can enrich your life and gain a sense of self-esteem. Therapy is an important one, but there are lots of others. Finding people who share your interests and hobbies, volunteering for a cause you think is worthy, taking on a part-time job, taking up an art; there are loads of options. You can have a life outside your family and still be an awesome mom/wife/sister/etc. In fact, you'll be
even better. You'll be happier and more energetic, you'll be able to enjoy your time with your relations better--and they'll be better able to enjoy you. It's a win/win! ;)
Personally, when I start feeling down about things, I make myself read some big lofty book. It engages my intellect, and I feel like I've made productive use of my time. And not being able to work, I have way too much free time on my hands. I've found a new creative outlet (I used to be an artist, but my hands don't work so well anymore) in coloring line art my artist friends draw. I'm not very good at it yet, but that isn't really the point. It makes me happy. And I write. Stream-of-consciousness, fiction, opinion, poetry--whatever. I like words.
The best part is, when my self-esteem is really low, I don't have to share any of this. I can keep it all to myself until I'm ready to share. So you don't need to worry about anyone judging you--nobody will.
Quote from: Victim on December 06, 2009, 08:54:01 AM
I have been told that I need counselling before, but aren't they saying that due to jealousy?
I highly doubt it. If one person said it, maybe; eventually, if enough different people all say the same thing about you, you have to look at what they all have in common: you.
Quote from: Victim on December 06, 2009, 09:03:08 AMI was embarrassed, so I took away what I said.....also, for a moment I didn't believe it. But after what you read I realized that you are being kind to me. I don't know that I deserve your kindness :'(
I have re-read what I wrote, should I bring these in to counselling when I find one? I will admit some more.
I spend ALL DAY obsessing about how much I hate my DIL, and the wrongs that I feel have been done to me. I am tired of living this way. There has to be more to life then this.
Would my life be better if I get help? would I re-gain contact with my grandkids?
I think there's no shortage of kindness to be had in the world, and everyone's entitled to a shot or two at mine. ;)
Spending all day obsessing about hatred? That sounds like a horrible, sad way to live. I feel sad just thinking about it. There absolutely
is more to life. Life is a good and wonderful thing, if you know how to look at it.
Your life would absolutely get better if you go to therapy and are willing to work and change. I won't lie, it's going to be hard. At times, it's going to hurt. And it probably won't be quick. But it
will be worthwhile.
I can't promise it will get you back in anybody's good graces, but I can promise you this: you've got a chance if you can change. You haven't got much chance at all the way things are right now.
Quote from: Victim on December 06, 2009, 09:18:06 AM
I don't know what to say, no one has ever been this kind to me before.
Maybe it was due to my behavior. I will be very relieved to give this obsessing up, it is so painful.
My DIL and my son do not bother with me anymore and I have lost access to my grandchildren. I do nothing all day but obsess and knitting use to be fun but I don't have anyone to knit for anymore. :'(
I will do anything to be the healthy person I once was. What happened to me? Is it old age? I am 74 and I didn't think I was that old for things like this to happen. It has been like this for the last 5 years. Am I ill?
Most of the hospitals around here are happy to accept baby blankets from avid knitters and crocheters. There's lots of people who need nice warm things for their babies. I bet if you asked around where you life, you could find a few places to donate items.
I'm not a doctor, and I can't diagnose you with anything. But it's possible that you're ill, yes. It could be a chemical imbalance in your brain, it could be due to changing hormones, it could be the beginnings of Alzheimer's or dementia; it could be a lot of things. I don't want to scare you. It's probably nothing serious. It might mean you get to take a(nother) colorful pill every day. But going to your doctor and telling him what's been happening--and yes, absolutely print out and bring your posts here so he can see for himself how you've been feeling--is the first step to getting better.
And then you'll know, and will be able to get better.
Unfortunately, nobody's really "too young" to have some of these problems. My younger sister has a chemical imbalance in her brain, and has since she was born, because her pituitary gland doesn't work right. She went through absolute Heck at school before she was properly diagnosed. Knowing what's wrong and being able to treat it with a simple medication has been a life-saver for her. Before they knew, she was almost unmanageable. She'd get violently angry, and she had almost no scholastic talents. Afterward, her grades shot up, her temper leveled off, and she's usually a pleasant and personable young lady these days. I never used to think she'd survive this long, nevermind become someone I kinda like. ;)
So I really, truly hope you call your doctor tomorrow and get the ball rolling on this. You'll feel so much better.
Maybe it was due to my behavior. I will be very relieved to give this obsessing up, it is so painful.
Victim,
It is hurtful for all of us but we have to find a way to deal with it and if counseling would help you then I say ' go for it " that's wonderful.
We have to move on with life. Anger and stress are killers !
I know you want to be a part of your son and grand childrens lives but if that doesn't happen it is not the end of the world.. change to make yourself a better person and when that happens then you can cope with anything.!! Best of luck and keep us posted.
yes, Victim, anger and stress are killers.
Just out of curiosity Victim, was has your daughter in law done to make you upset?
Victim,
Your posts make me feel very sad because I feel like my FMIL could be posting these things about me. I have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt all year long and be kind to her despite the fact that she has said mean things about me from the start and tried to break up my relationship with her son. I have given up but I"m sure in her mind, I am the terrible one coming in between her and her son. I never wanted that to happen. I came to this webpage trying to understand her point of view and found reassurance from many of the women on this page that 1) not all MIL's are crazy and some DO have insight into their behaviors 2) sometimes it IS the DIL's fault, and 3) I am not that type of DIL and it's NOT me..
Since you removed some of your posts, I didn't see everything your read but you sound exactly like my FMIL - I want her to be happy - for her son's sake, for the rest of her family's sake and also for HER sake. I dont' know if I will be able to convince anyone that she should go to counselling but I"m glad you are thinking of it. At the end of the day, it's up to us to make ourselves happy. The happier you are, maybe the more your son and DIL will want to spend time with you? Who wants to spend time with someone who is so unhappy that they spend all their time making the people around them miserable?
I hope you are able to find some help and that this help is able to bring you back closer to your family. And if you have any advice for what I can do to make my own FMIL try to be a happier person, I would appreciate that too. Someone on the webpage once said that there are a lot of surrogate MIL's and DIL's here and I certainly think that is true!
I'm very sorry your going thru this...
what worries me, is this...
Has your FMIL agreed to go to counseling? If not, I think that you both should go together...maybe not at first, but it should be your goal...and here are my reasons....
usually, a person as your FMIL, will not agree to go Period, they will state, they don't have any problems, that it's all everyone else's fault.
But, if you can get her to go, boy would that be a foot in the right direction....for both of you....reason being....it's real easy to fool a counselor when the other person involved isn't there.
My DIL did it...when she and my son went when they were first married. And believe me, these people who are like your FMIL and my DIL can be very destructive and manipulative to the lives of others, without batting an eyelash.
Also, please remember, I've been going thru this for 12 years....I've lost my son to a degree...my DIL actually sees to it, she does as much damage to our relationship as she can. These people are very sick and dysfunctional....therefore, you must realize, if you marry her son, you and he are in for a whole lot of problems....so, you've got to set the ground rules way before your married...and that doesn't always hold water....
I was talking to a friend the other night, and she told me her DIL doesn't care for her...then she proceeded to say, she simply stops by their house, unannounced....now that may have worked when our children were single....but honestly, it's a big no no....
There is no way anyone should stop by anyone's house without calling first....it's rude...and they might not be up for company...but most of all, MIL's must remember....it's not just your son's house, but there is another person in his life now, so it is her home to.
I dread what may be in the future for you...and hope and pray, you don't have to experience life with a very deluded MIL...
Good luck and Bless you
you sound like a very nice young lady.
Creme
thanks cremebrulee,
I don't know if my FMIL would agree to go to counselling EVER - you're right, she'll never see that the problem is her - it's that it is everyone else.
Her problem is not with me but that she is very unhappy. I had a short conversation with my BF the other day when he said she hated something... I asked if she liked ANYTHING and he said "no, she hates everything." That made me very sad for her - esp. when he then said that he has started distancing himself for her and will continue to do so. I tried to diplomatically suggest that it was unhealthy for his mom to be like this and I didn't want to see her so unhappy and has his family ever though of trying to get her some help? But at the end of the day, it's NOT my place to suggest his mother needs to see a doctor. I actually really think she needs a psychiatric evaluation but as an outsider, it's not really for me to say that - but I think it's actually abusive to not get your family members the help they may need if something is really wrong. This family just prefers to gloss over the problem and now they are being torn apart... My parents were psychiatrists and my father diagnosed my aunt's (my mom's brother's wife..) with schziophrenia 30 years ago - things are still rough but it got her the medication she needed and now we KNOW what the problem is...
I don't think it would ever be an option for ME and FMIL to go to counselling together. This woman now refuses to even speak to me on the phone although she tells the rest of the family that she "really wants to talk to me". My hope is that she is able to get counselling for HERSELF so she can learn to be a happy person and her son will want to involve her in our life more. Maybe it will take meds? I don't know... but I'm not optimistic on this front and can only try to love my BF as much as I can and try to accept his family for who they are. But it sounds like "victim" is trying to get herself some help and to that I say bravo. Self-awareness is the first step towards recovery sometimes but I don't think my FMIL is capable of that. I have tried giving her the benefit of the doubt again and again but now I realize that her family has buried their heads in the sand about her for 40 years and as the newcomer, there's not much I can do. :-\
Victim, how're you doing today? I hope you're feeling better. I also hope you called your doctor and got an appointment to see him and/or her soon. I'm looking forward to the day nobody calls you a victim anymore, and I bet you are too.
Survivor, I was also wondering how you are doing. I see you've changed your screen name so I'm really hoping that's a positive sign? Have you made an appointment with your doctor? I hope you are ok.
Wow survivor. It sounds like you've taken a HUGE step and I'm really impressed! I hope you are able to figure out how to be happy again soon and I hope your son and DIL can recognize the change and be closer to you!
I think not thinking of yourself as a victim is one of the best things you can do for yourself - glad you changed the name!
This site is such a good place for support, and I'm glad you found it. You're not alone, Survivor! Thanks for reminding us to take care with how we view ourselves; I know there are times when I fall into 'victim' mode, too, but now I'll immediately think "I'm a survivor!" instead. I hope you find peace and relief through your counseling sessions. If I can find the right practitioner I'll be there, too :)
the pain your feeling, is unbearable at times...and it never goes away, there are simply some days that it's not as bad. You have a right to feel hurt and angry, frustrated and violated...but to hate is wrong...hate only begats hate. Understandibly, you hate her behavior and what she has done to your relationship, to your life...but try if you can, to fill up the void by healing yourself void of hate. That is what I do and how I handle it.
Your child will always be your child, no matter what...but you must always remember....we don't own our children...they were gifted us for a short time...and during that time we did the best we could to raise them, support, love, guidence, teaching them morals and how to be polite. But...there comes a time, when we must let them go, to live their own lives....with or without us.
Sadly, I've been going thru this for 12 - 13 years....it's awful...hurtful and life changing, but you must, let it go...and learn somehow to live with it...life is not always fair...unfortunately, and the women he married is causing so many people so much hurt and pain....she is making him choose, and....to boot, he only wants to make her happy, therefore, he goes where she wants to go, and agrees with her to keep peace...men are peace keeps and scientifically, they can't stand much stress.....so, they do what they can to sleep at night...even if it means, siding with someone who is wrong. I know plenty of men who are unhappy, but fear they're wives getting angry...so, they appease them in every way they can. Even our sons....I've read a lot of testimonys by MIL's who have gone thru this...and basically, they're sons were really polite, caring nice people growing up. These women look for this...not only someone to take care of them, but also, someone who will put up with them. It's very sad...
I don't have any advice for you and if I were there, I'd hug you and we'd probably both burst into tears...but there is nothing you can do, but be quiet and happy for your son....and don't fall into her traps...b/c what she is trying to do, is make you out to be a bad person...in front of your son. So, keep your cool, and pretend if you can, that she is simply an aquaintance you can walk away from who is dysfunctional and needs help. Know that in your heart, b/c a sane person would encourage their husband's to spend quality time with they're mothers and fathers....that's what love is and will always be.
Hugs and luv
Creme
Quote from: cremebrulee on December 10, 2009, 10:07:03 AM
the pain your feeling, is unbearable at times...and it never goes away, there are simply some days that it's not as bad. You have a right to feel hurt and angry, frustrated and violated...but to hate is wrong...hate only begats hate. Understandibly, you hate her behavior and what she has done to your relationship, to your life...but try if you can, to fill up the void by healing yourself void of hate. That is what I do and how I handle it.
Your child will always be your child, no matter what...but you must always remember....we don't own our children...they were gifted us for a short time...and during that time we did the best we could to raise them, support, love, guidence, teaching them morals and how to be polite. But...there comes a time, when we must let them go, to live their own lives....with or without us.
Sadly, I've been going thru this for 12 - 13 years....it's awful...hurtful and life changing, but you must, let it go...and learn somehow to live with it...life is not always fair...unfortunately, and the women he married is causing so many people so much hurt and pain....she is making him choose, and....to boot, he only wants to make her happy, therefore, he goes where she wants to go, and agrees with her to keep peace...men are peace keeps and scientifically, they can't stand much stress.....so, they do what they can to sleep at night...even if it means, siding with someone who is wrong. I know plenty of men who are unhappy, but fear they're wives getting angry...so, they appease them in every way they can. Even our sons....I've read a lot of testimonys by MIL's who have gone thru this...and basically, they're sons were really polite, caring nice people growing up. These women look for this...not only someone to take care of them, but also, someone who will put up with them. It's very sad...
I don't have any advice for you and if I were there, I'd hug you and we'd probably both burst into tears...but there is nothing you can do, but be quiet and happy for your son....and don't fall into her traps...b/c what she is trying to do, is make you out to be a bad person...in front of your son. So, keep your cool, and pretend if you can, that she is simply an aquaintance you can walk away from who is dysfunctional and needs help. Know that in your heart, b/c a sane person would encourage their husband's to spend quality time with they're mothers and fathers....that's what love is and will always be.
Hugs and luv
Creme
Creme you must be a therapist or something in that field! If not your still a wise woman! I'm glad you're hear. AnnieB was like this too but she left, I miss her. It's hard to keep a level head when your in so pain. I know, I want to look at this differently. I want to forgive my MIL and give her a big hug if only I knew she would just accept me and quit trying to tear me down. I just want to know why?? Why is she is doing this? Why can't she just accept me? Why can't she accept her own daughter? What makes her think she's so great and we're all beneath her??
I'm getting more nerve wracked b/c I will be forced to see this woman on Christmas Eve. I don't know how to act or what to say. I don't know anymore what's appropriate. Apart of me doesn't care. I ough to show up with no make-up and not shower for a week, don't brush my hair, in sweats, no brushed teeth and maybe even burp or fart really loud at the dinner table!! I don't think they'd loath me any more than they do now. Maybe I'll do that. I better start eating beans and cabbage today!! (I was crying today about this now I'm laughing, great!)
You made me laugh too, Just2be....we're all afraid here ;D
Quotejust2baccepted
Creme you must be a therapist or something in that field! If not your still a wise woman! I'm glad you're hear. AnnieB was like this too but she left, I miss her. It's hard to keep a level head when your in so pain. I know, I want to look at this differently. I want to forgive my MIL and give her a big hug if only I knew she would just accept me and quit trying to tear me down. I just want to know why?? Why is she is doing this? Why can't she just accept me? Why can't she accept her own daughter? What makes her think she's so great and we're all beneath her??
Wull thank you so much, but I'm not wise, or a theropist...Just have had a lot of life experiences, some great, some really frumpy, coupled with counseling...yes, it is difficult because your emotionally involved and it's hard to see things clearly. I don't believe your MIL thinks she is better then you...personally, my take is, she is a woman with very little confidence and has very little security in her life. She probably clung to her son...way to much...depended on him for her happiness...believe it or not...a lot of women deem they're children they're whole and only purpose in life...then when it's time for them to get out there and experience life, they loose their purpose. Your MIL is jealous of you...of the attention you get from her son...she knows her life will have to adjust and this is forcing her to be more independent...the older someone grows, the less they like change....and you, my dear, are that change which is sending off a signal to her system saying...her life as she knew it will never be the same, therefore, she rejects you.
However, there is something else...if she is like my DIL...(and believe me, I don't know how much of her is an act, and/or if she truly owns human compassion, b/c at a very young age, she learned to turn her feelings off, a protective mechanism, so she wouldn't hurt when someone left her) therefore, your MIL, may be so insecure...and dislike herself so much, that she anticipated way in the beginning that you wouldn't like her...therefore, she rejected you, before you rejected her. Please note, that people do not do things for one reason, but many. Also, some people are just down right bullies and love controversy b/c that is all they've known all their lives...they don't know how to be happy, and are jealous when others are happy...I know my DIL is...b/c if I make the mistake of looking at my son, while he's talking to me about a subject, she feels left out????? so she starts to pout...and looks like someone slapped her across the face...then boom, she gets up and storms out...I feel very sorry for her.
The questions you have asked yourself over and over, may never be answered...but someday, you will become so sick and tired of trying that you won't care any longer...and you shouldn't, b/c I promise you, the harder you try, the more she will reject you...these people look upon our patience and endurance as a weakness and the more we try, the more they hate us.
Actually, she deep down in her soul of souls wishes she could be you...think about that.
There is no magic wand that will someday make this all go away...but the most important thing you must remember is...never say anything to her out of anger...and...walk away before she pushes you into an argument. That is the one thing I never did, is allowed her to push me into a confrontation...
Consentrate on what you do have, not what you don't...yes, I so wish, I had a wonderful DIL, and we got along. It's the holidays, and my son's friends have been contacting me and stopping by. I received the most beautiful letter from one of my son's male friends this morning...thanking me for being me...I sat there and cried...wishing so much my DIL and son could read that letter....wishing they felt the same way...but they never will again...therefore, you take what you can get, and drop every last expectation you have for that relationship ever working out, and try to get thru each day by keeping busy and being productive, and no matter what she says or does to hurt you...remember, she cannot help herself, and she was not as fortunate as you were and grew up in a family where she was loved...Remember if you can...you can't give what you've never known...she probably wants to, but doesn't know how. Think about it this way...all the energy she is expelling to make you miserable and constantly rejecting you with...can you imagine what it's doing to her system? I mean, her whole entire being must be off kilter? It's so easy to hate, and so much harder to know compassion and love...people without knowing so, reject love b/c they are afraid of rejection...in my DIL's case, I think that is one of her biggest fears...therefore, reject me first.
QuoteI'm getting more nerve wracked b/c I will be forced to see this woman on Christmas Eve. I don't know how to act or what to say. I don't know anymore what's appropriate. Apart of me doesn't care. I ough to show up with no make-up and not shower for a week, don't brush my hair, in sweats, no brushed teeth and maybe even burp or fart really loud at the dinner table!! I don't think they'd loath me any more than they do now. Maybe I'll do that. I better start eating beans and cabbage today!! (I was crying today about this now I'm laughing, great!)
Where is it written that you have to go...if it legitimately makes you feel that bad...why don't you and your husband create a new tradition and do what you want to do on Christmas? I mean parents can be so selfish...not even aware that maybe, just maybe they're children would like to stay home for the day, watch they're kids open they're presents and do they're own thing?
I refuse to ever, ever, go to my DIL's home again...my door is never closed to her, but I will never step one foot in her house again...she talks to me, like I'm some scum on her shoe...and then in front of my son, she is so sweet???? That scares me, big time.
anyway...if you do decide to go, then you and your husband plan something special together either before or after Christmas...start your own tradition...a girl at work is so excited, b/c they are going on a cruise for Christmas....I used to go away to the Bahamas...it was tremendous, and I didn't have to live up to anyone else's expectations of what I should do for Christmas...I read, no clocks, no TV's, no computers....it was fantabulous... ;D
Quote from: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 05:52:17 AM
...personally, my take is, she is a woman with very little confidence and has very little security in her life. She probably clung to her son...way to much...depended on him for her happiness...believe it or not...a lot of women deem they're children they're whole and only purpose in life...then when it's time for them to get out there and experience life, they loose their purpose. Your MIL is jealous of you...of the attention you get from her son...she knows her life will have to adjust and this is forcing her to be more independent...the older someone grows, the less they like change....and you, my dear, are that change which is sending off a signal to her system saying...her life as she knew it will never be the same, therefore, she rejects you.
Please note, that people do not do things for one reason, but many. Also, some people are just down right bullies and love controversy b/c that is all they've known all their lives...they don't know how to be happy, and are jealous when others are happy...I feel very sorry for her.
...these people look upon our patience and endurance as a weakness and the more we try, the more they hate us.
Actually, she deep down in her soul of souls wishes she could be you...think about that.
Consentrate on what you do have, not what you don't...therefore, you take what you can get, and drop every last expectation you have for that relationship ever working out, and try to get thru each day by keeping busy and being productive, and no matter what she says or does to hurt you...remember, she cannot help herself, and she was not as fortunate as you were and grew up in a family where she was loved...Remember if you can...you can't give what you've never known...she probably wants to, but doesn't know how. Think about it this way...all the energy she is expelling to make you miserable and constantly rejecting you with...can you imagine what it's doing to her system? I mean, her whole entire being must be off kilter? It's so easy to hate, and so much harder to know compassion and love...people without knowing so, reject love b/c they are afraid of rejection...in my DIL's case, I think that is one of her biggest fears...therefore, reject me first.
Again with the killer insight Creme Brulee! I think this is so helpful for learning how to deal with someone who is unhealthy - whether a DIL or MIL. I feel kind of sorry for your DILs too - the way I've started to feel sorry for my FMIL. It must be terrible to live all day hating everyone and feeling insecure and not being able to have a healthy relationship with anyone. Everyone's right when they say the best thing to do when someone like this flips out is to remain calm and non-confrontational. The people around you might admire you for that - but does't this just feed into the jealousy cycle? In my experience, the calmer I am in the face of some kind of attack or tantrum or unreasonable behavior, the better it is for me and for whatever relationship exisits. But the unhealthy person can't stand to see that you are not upset by their behavior. And this feeds into the cycle of jealousy and dislike. Is there any way to win? I'm becoming more and more convinced that people like this can only get better if they seek professional help. But as an outsider, it's hard to be the one to say that and often you just can't. :-X
Quote from: Anna on December 11, 2009, 05:58:41 AM
Such good advice. I am still trying to learn not to let dil make me angry. The last time SHE flipped out, I somehow managed to stay totally calm. Wow, what a difference that makes. I felt great about not letting her goad me into an angry state, & my son looked at me with total awe. So I know first hand that it is always best to remain calm.
that is, in itself an accomplishment...glad to hear you did good....good for you!!!!!!! And keep on keepin on....
Creme thanks for the unbelievable advice. Your points did help get me to thinking. I've been contemplating writing MIL a letter and telling her how hurtful she's been to me and letting her know that I know she's talking about me behind my back. But thanks again for your wonderful insights!!
Quote from: isitme? on December 11, 2009, 07:20:54 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 05:52:17 AM
...personally, my take is, she is a woman with very little confidence and has very little security in her life. She probably clung to her son...way to much...depended on him for her happiness...believe it or not...a lot of women deem they're children they're whole and only purpose in life...then when it's time for them to get out there and experience life, they loose their purpose. Your MIL is jealous of you...of the attention you get from her son...she knows her life will have to adjust and this is forcing her to be more independent...the older someone grows, the less they like change....and you, my dear, are that change which is sending off a signal to her system saying...her life as she knew it will never be the same, therefore, she rejects you.
Please note, that people do not do things for one reason, but many. Also, some people are just down right bullies and love controversy b/c that is all they've known all their lives...they don't know how to be happy, and are jealous when others are happy...I feel very sorry for her.
...these people look upon our patience and endurance as a weakness and the more we try, the more they hate us.
Actually, she deep down in her soul of souls wishes she could be you...think about that.
Consentrate on what you do have, not what you don't...therefore, you take what you can get, and drop every last expectation you have for that relationship ever working out, and try to get thru each day by keeping busy and being productive, and no matter what she says or does to hurt you...remember, she cannot help herself, and she was not as fortunate as you were and grew up in a family where she was loved...Remember if you can...you can't give what you've never known...she probably wants to, but doesn't know how. Think about it this way...all the energy she is expelling to make you miserable and constantly rejecting you with...can you imagine what it's doing to her system? I mean, her whole entire being must be off kilter? It's so easy to hate, and so much harder to know compassion and love...people without knowing so, reject love b/c they are afraid of rejection...in my DIL's case, I think that is one of her biggest fears...therefore, reject me first.
Again with the killer insight Creme Brulee! I think this is so helpful for learning how to deal with someone who is unhealthy - whether a DIL or MIL. I feel kind of sorry for your DILs too - the way I've started to feel sorry for my FMIL. It must be terrible to live all day hating everyone and feeling insecure and not being able to have a healthy relationship with anyone. Everyone's right when they say the best thing to do when someone like this flips out is to remain calm and non-confrontational. The people around you might admire you for that - but does't this just feed into the jealousy cycle? In my experience, the calmer I am in the face of some kind of attack or tantrum or unreasonable behavior, the better it is for me and for whatever relationship exisits. But the unhealthy person can't stand to see that you are not upset by their behavior. And this feeds into the cycle of jealousy and dislike. Is there any way to win? I'm becoming more and more convinced that people like this can only get better if they seek professional help. But as an outsider, it's hard to be the one to say that and often you just can't. :-X
thanks hun....so much
think about something else...do you know that these women are probably walking around angry most of the time, and they don't even know why? Can you imagine living like that? To want to hurt others so badly, b/c you fear the love your husband has for his mother.
My entire family extended family to boot, they all got along...and yes, there are problems, everyday problems...but yanno what, what a happy time, what a delight! I guess it's harder to be nice...
Everyone was afraid of my mother's brother's wife...she was a pip, and just like what we're explaining here, but no one was cruel to her...ever...we just realized this is the way she was, she wasn't going to change, and we wouldn't allow her mood to ruin all the picnics and get together's we were having...if she was in a good mood, she was a hoot, but if she was in a bad mood, she thought everyone else had to be...so we all just ignored her...what good would it have done to call her out on it? Nothing, it would have made the problem bigger.
That's how I was raised, my mother was such a forgiving person and looked for the good in people, not the bad.