March 28, 2024, 03:14:57 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - dedicatedmom

1
I sincerely thank all of you for your words of wisdom. Those who were caring enough to offer help I truly am grateful. I was overwhelmed at my son's e mail to me. He has never spoken to me in that manner. I included it because it was mine to share and I felt I could never explain the intensity in my own words. I am the kind of person who could not imagine ostracizing or participating in the ostracism of someone much less my own mother, but that does not mean my son or my daughters for that matter, have no problem with it. I don't think that my problems are any bigger, more complicated or beyond help here. I agree that I am living in grief and being aware is the first step. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I will be alone while they celebrate in the traditions I started for them as children. That is unexplainable pain. I have lived with a very stressful financial situation since the divorce, and have finally reached out to family who have so wonderfully agreed to help me. Finally getting a step up in that area, I believe, will help me cope better with everything. I agree that finally my children have my former husband's attention and are enjoying it. Thank you that enlightenment, I really hadn't thought about that. Thank you all
2
Dear Friends:

I need your help. I have received a great deal of support and direction from this site for about 3 years but lately haven't posted, though I read just about everyday your posts. I have a hard time talking about being shunned by my 3 AD's resulting from finally ending my 29 year marriage to their alcoholic father. I had a bit of a breakdown in March and was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and I have had thoughts of suicide. I realized I have been agonizing over this for 8 years now and I need to try to find another way. About a year ago someone recommended a book "Abandoned Parents, the Devil's Dilemma" (Wildey) and I finally bought it and it has really, really helped. It's amazing, I thought I was alone. I was a completely hands on mom, dedicated, no drinking on my part, no drugs, meals on the table every night, room mother, coach, everything I could give them that I didn't have. But once I finally couldn't take my DH daily drinking  anymore (he was up all night drinking and it finally affected his job) when he fell on his face at relatives' house at Thanksgiving in 2007 he met with my AC behind my back almost immediately and told them I was mentally ill, asking for a divorce, I mean he sold them. I kept private from them my years in Alanon to cope with his drinking. In retrospect I think the more I complained about his drinking the more he was talking to them  behind my back. Our YD was 19 at the time and away at college. She was an extremely challenging and disrespectful teenager and put us through hell but he didn't support me and didn't want to get his hands dirty. The fact that she graduated HS and went to college is a miracle because I hung in there with her. In summary, none of my DD's talk to me. My oldest DD made it so hard for me to see my GK's I gave up since June. My second DD got married in September. I didn't go because she didn't even tell me when she got engaged, I was not invited to her shower my other DD's gave her. None of my family went they live out of state and know my situation. My DS while he was at that meeting with my Ex he never really ostracized me like the others, he and I were always close. I've tried over the years to talk about it with him and he ends up jumping down my throat not wanting to talk about it. Well, he contacted me this week. He lives in Los Angeles, about 3 hours away and said he was coming to town for the family Thanksgiving get together this Saturday. I responded that I was doing pretty well being excluded but the holidays are really hard and seeing him and having to act like nothing is wrong is really hard. He reacted by email. I need your help. I contacted him and told him I didn't want him to give up on me and we should get together for a meal before he goes back home. They're all together today at my oldest DD's. I'm here alone feeling bad. Have I alienated my son too? Do I have what it takes to be cheerful and act like my life is ruined?

3
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Bad Mothers??
September 03, 2015, 10:09:02 PM
I completely agree with you. My daughters had friends with some of the worst moms, usually more into themselves than their kids. Many of my kids friends spent their time at our house, including my son in law whose mother brought home his 6th grade teacher and married him. He was not a nice step father and yet my daughter spends all her time with them and I am out.
4
Oh you poor dear. I am in the same mess. My daughter is getting married in September and I'm not going because I too am odd man out since I finally left their a alcoholic father after 29 years. I have 3 daughters who have snubbed me. My son is still in my life but feels in the middle. My story has been shared here often but just know it's not you. It kills your soul if you let it. I too made myself sick over it but I'm trying to be happy despite them. I too did everything for them.This is a good place. Hang with us. It helps
5
Thank you Stilllearning, I hadn't thought about that - their Dad was pretty emotionally absent, more involved with his drinking and constant computer use. He was addicted to games. I had spoken to him so many times that he should show our girls more affection, of course he never listened to me. It makes sense that now hey have his attention. I just feel that by now they should see through him. His health is failing because of his bad habits and now they feel sorry for him. I really am glad that I can come to a place that understands my situation; it's such a dark place and it's always with me. :'(
6
Gosh we have similar stories and the pain so tough to deal with at times. I would like to blame substance abuse but only the Ex was the alcohol abuser. I know the youngest one that experimented with huffing as a teen likes to drink and that worries me. It's all out of our hands. When something comes up like my daughter e mailing me this weekend it is hard to get back to feeling ok again; somehow I end up beating myself up. Luckily I do like my therapist and he mentioned recently that as drinkers are self centered they don't particularly care about others around them and that perhaps my daughters absorbed from him my unimportance in the family, that as he drank more and I became less tolerant he distanced himself from me. I don't know, I feel like this is something that I will have to live with forever and if I think that it is overwhelming so I am really trying to live in the present. Thank you so much for your kind words of support. This is a wonderful forum. ;)
7
Thank you Louise for your words of support and wisdom. I spent 6 years in Al Anon before I finally left my husband. I think it might help but kind of dread drudging up old feelings. It's like being in a dark hole. I want out. I'll try anything. I have rescue dogs, 3 of them, they give me a reason to go on. Sounds silly I know but we get comfort where we can I guess.
8
I have not posted on this site for some time because I've just been too heartsick and sickened by myself that I am stuck in the same pain after 7 years. When I finally told my DH I'd had enough of his drinking my 3 DD's were 26, 23, 19, away at college, and my DS was 25. It was complicated years of confusion in my head about whether I should not like his drinking and hiding it from the kids as best I could. I really, really was a good mom. I did everything I was supposed to do and more. I came last and that was ok with me. I found out that he met with my kids behind my back (I read his e mails) and told them I was mentally ill, talking about divorce and my oldest daughter actually responded like she believed him. I moved out and e mailed all of my children the truth about everything, let them know how disappointed I was that they stabbed me in the back with their father. They have kept me at a distance and ostracized me every since. I have cried, begged, moved away to family for comfort, came back and still they treat me so cold. The oldest has my 3 GK's lives in our own and I have to contact her and ask to see them and she'll give me an appointment sometimes weeks away. I bring dinner and she barely talks to me, treats me like I'm beneath her. The YD was a very tough teenager and I got her through many of her antics when she was trying to derail her life, having sex with a dropout, finding out she was huffing, she refused to share her grades with us, one thing after the other. Of course DH let me take all the falls. She is about to be 27 and she has not talked to me for years and last Mother's Day was my birthday also and I tried to contact her and somewhat harshly told her it hurt and that I saw her through everything and she just replied that I was an incompetent unloving mother. Just means words to make me feel bad and it worked. DD # 2 got engaged last September and I found out from my sister in another state because she saw it on Facebook. I waited a few days and finally called her and congratulated her and it was like I was calling an acquaintance. I got one e mail link from her explaining her wedding plans in October. Nothing after that and at Christmas they all got together and excluded me. For the first time in my life I spent Christmas alone. A friend invited me to her house and it made me feel worse. I was in shell shock. My DS did nothing. He wanted to come see me before he left town but I was in too much pain and he didn't understand it. By January I e mailed me DD #2 asking about her dress, offered to contribute to it. Asked if she sent Save The Dates. Did I need to make my own hotel arrangements. She just responded nothing about what I asked but lodging was up to me. By February I contacted her and said why was I not good enough, were we not rich enough? Ignored.  By March 18 of this year after trying to call all 3 of my daughters and try to reach out, they ignored me. I got so upset I just showed up at my health provider mental health and they took me in and arranged for me to see someone that day and I left with antidepressants and a therapist. I've been seeing a therapist since about every 2 weeks and it has helped. Out of the blue this weekend I get an e mail from the DD #2 telling me that it seems that I e mail her to hurt her, that there are people coming from out of town for her wedding and she needed to be present and that I need to show her over the next few months that I can be a guest without causing her hurt. I couldn't believe it; I responded as best I could asking how does she expect me to feel when they treat me like I don't exist. No response so now I've HURT her again. It's so painful. She ruined my weekend and I feel like dying again. I'm alone struggling financially because our divorce happened during the bad economy and I had quit my job from depression and left for Chicago to see my FOO for a while because my DM was dying from Alzheimer's. After she died I came back here and have really tried to fit in with them but they do not love me. My ex has criticized me about everything and like him they blame me for everything. I too have sent cards and money and gifts unacknowledged and after Christmas this year I have not. I did not get a call from any of my daughters on Mother's Day nor my birthday the next day. My DS came to visit but it is an elephant in the room with him and he doesn't want to hear from me about it. I am 64 how long can I grieve this. I've tried to seek relationships but I can't explain this to anyone. I have friends who help but they don't understand, they saw me as a parent and know I was a good mom. I feel worthless and yet they don't even care. This site has helped me, even though I haven't felt up to posting I get so much from yours.
9
LP thanks for your words. You express exactly how i feel and was with my parents. Pooh i do dwell on it and is why i must get into therapy. I recognize i need to sort it all out. Waking in the middle wondering what i did wrong is no way to live.  >:(
10
LP thanks for your words. You express exactly how i feel and was with my parents. Pooh i do dwell on it and is why i must get into therapy. I recognize i need to sort it all out. Waking in the middle wondering what i did wrong is no way to live.  >:(
11
Thanks for your suggestion. There was never any abuse, perhaps emotional from his drinking. My daughter certainly knew how to be emotionally abusive to her parents. I spent 6 years in Alanon while I was going through all that but now I've started seeing a therapist and that is helping me at this time. Thanks again.
12
Thank you so much. I'm coming to the realization that my expectations of them leads me to such disappointment. You are so right.  ;D
13
Expecting common respect isnt not turning their lives over to them is it?
14
Thank you Kate123, thank you for relating to the cold responses from these AC's. I've been isolating myself and feel much better talking about this today. I go to this place of why me? I mean I had a tough childhood and I wanted theirs to be wonderful and compared to mine it was. I try to catch myself before I get a pity party on. I think Louise has mentioned here about the injustice of it all and that's what I get caught up in sometimes. I agree, I may have to wait til my death bed so I better find a way to be happy despite them.  :D
15
I've spoken often on this site about my 3 dd's rejection since divorcing their alcoholic dad in 2009. 2 weeks ago my sister called me from Chicago to inform me my 3rd dd got engaged that weekend; she saw it on facebook. DD never called me so I called her and congratulated her and it was like talking to an acquaintance - she thanks me for calling. How does this happen when you've devoted your life to these people. All I can say is I must be a horrible person even thought I know I did everything for them and was honorable and never drank, went out with friends even, just worked and took care of them, 4 kids laundry, cooking, dishes, cleaning, fixing up their rooms, taking them to all of their events. They must think I'm ugly and disgusting and at 63 useless to them