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I spent most the day white knuckling it. I did a lot of reading here...a lot! Thank heaven you women know how to post a plenty. It kept me from responding to nasty e-mails from my daughter. So I guess I should say white fingertipping it!  Thank you Thank you Thank you all! I made it with your help. I was an awful mother/grandmother yesterday. It was my grandsons 5th birthday. He has been used as a pawn for the past five or so months. His mother is really angry at me for things I have lost track of. I know it is not me. She is going through a crazy time as many young folks do. So I decided to drive to her apartment unannounced and drop off my grandsons gift. Well that stirred up a hornets nest. She was cold but did let me see her son and deliver a gift. She was snippy, rude, and very upset she could not control it all. We stayed 10 minutes just enough time to get a hug, give a hug and stoop down to my grandsons level, look into his eyes and say "I think about you everyday". Then we left as swift as we came. My husband said "Oh she is really mad". It was not thirty minutes before the text and e-mail rants began making it all about her and how I did it to upset her. Not one minute or thought was about her when I made the decision to deliver the gift.. The reason I did not call was history. I get no call backs, I am told my grandson is busy, has other plans. or I am ignored. I did not trust that I would be able to see him. I have never done that before. I did not want him to think I forgot him or his birthday. I have sent cards/gifts before she withholds. So of course I "ruined her memories of her sons birthday".
Now keep in mind had I ignored his birthday all together I would have been a bad grandmother. I suppose I opted yesterday for the bad mom badge. Thanks again for this site. It was my therapy today. And I especially like the fee.

Quote from: luise.volta on May 04, 2011, 10:07:58 AM
We have an indoor swimming pool here in this retirement center and water exercise classes. Let me tell you, it isn't pretty. 

Been reading posts off and on today. I do love humor. I've used it since I was young as a way to cope. I am glad I found humor. This made me really laugh. I am picturing the same scenario only fast forward say 40-50 years....same picture in my mind but adding all the tattooed seniors!

Quote from: luise.volta on June 03, 2011, 08:31:28 PM
OK, here goes; It's easy to be a mom. There's nothing to worry about. Kids just grow up and turn out great and you wonder why you didn't have a dozen. They are easy to teach and supervise and are just naturally polite and considerate. They will always respect you and listen to you and give a hand when they can. They want to make parenting as wonderful as possible for you.

Want me to pass the pipe?

reading through posts today trying to absorb as much as I can! rotflmao! and yes please pass the pipe!

A book I recommend highly talks about starting a mothers group. I am looking into that in my area. I am thinking of starting one. The book is "For Mothers of Difficult Daughters"  the book has been like a bible to me. The author talks about how especially hard our culture is on mothers. I couldn't agree more. I used a line from the book on my daughter..."I am sorry you did not have Mary Poppins for a mother"...worked great! I learned how to stand up for me. The book has wonderful insight. It was written by a mother that had her own mother issues.

welcome but sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. i am new too! I am not an expert but i do know when you are up against a brick wall it is a good idea to turn around. this will stop the head banging so you can gain clarity and begin to take care of yourself. i found the desperation route brought more rejection and pain. I am glad your here.

what all the initials mean?  like DD??? some I think I have figured out. I am sure there is a decoder somewhere but I can't find it or did not invest enough time in looking.

you know Ruth I think you are right about the guilt. The weekend before the silent treatment my daughter, her husband and grandson were all here for dinner. We had a great evening. Her and her husband were "honey this and honey that". Within 1 1/2 weeks she moved into her own apartment. Later we found out it was with a guy that moved here from out of state. She refused to talk to me even when I still did not know about the other guy. She respond to an email I sent trying to understand what happened. She accused me of the most crazy things. Things that made me concerned for her mental well being. She said I never taught her how to wear makeup or use tampons! I mean silly things. Things that most teenage girls won't even take advice on let alone ask. It was as if she was grabbing at straws for things to be mad at me about. She told me I had used the drug "meth" when I was a teenager. I am 54 and I don't even think it was around. I would not even be able to recognize it. I don''t even drink and never used any drugs for the last 30 years. I smoked some pot in my younger days which would be none of her business. I don't owe her any explanation of any wreckage I may have had in my youth. It was all so very strange. I never responded to her e-mail. We both have our hair done by the same gal. She told me that my daughters stories were becoming more bizarre each visit.  The only email I responded to was the one asking for her things. I said yes and set a date and time with her. I also have a son age 24. He was just married last month. We have a wonderful relationship. I appreciate and admire his wife. His sister has also cut communication with him. I am at a loss but realizing more and more each day. More shall be revealed. What a weird time in my life. Never could have predictable this but then life is never predictable. I am thinking ahead to the time my daughter wants re-entry. I am thinking about my boundaries. I will really need them.

okay the laughter reading the last few posts has been refreshing....update..after all that preparing and emotional upheavel for me they were a no show! unreal but so like them. I will probably get a nasty e-mail that it was somehow my fault. well more to follow. thanks to all i hope i gain some valuable insight to share with others in the future

Thank each and every one of you wise women! i spent the day putting the things she wants together. Emotional day indeed. On a  positive...I received much reinforcing that I was a good mom! The kind in fact I wished I had. Not perfect but pretty darn good. I was reminded of the many wonderful things I did. The love and support I gave my daughter.
The point here about the adult child re-writing their history is very true. My daughter claimed she was failing in school and I did nothing. I read through every progress report from all her school years. There it was in black and white...the truth! She was a very good student. Just as I remembered. I miss my grandson a lot. He is four and was at our home at least three days a week since the time he was born. My heart aches. I think about all the changes he has been through in the past six months and then to not be allowed to come here. We could have offered some great peace and solace as his folks navigated their rough waters. When my son in law brought him here the last time he wanted to go straight to his room to make sure nothing had changed and it was all the same. He has his own room here because we had a monthly sleep over weekend. He counted the days until he could come again. Now the last time he was here he asked us to stop being mean to his mommy so he could come back. I was so hurt that he had to even be told such a story. To use him as a pawn has been horrid. I told him I love his mommy very much and never desire to mean to his mommy. The idea that she has poisoned our once special relationship with him is too painful some days. I could go on and on as these stories I am sure can do. But it's been enough for the day. Take care each one on your journey. I look forward to reading and posting here more. Better days are ahead for us all.

Thanks for the replies. Yes ever victim needs an oppressor and I have been chosen by my daughter to be hers. About 6 months ago she quit speaking to me. I racked my brain why. Her husband came by with our grandson about 3 months ago. He told us my daughter had a boyfriend and was moving out an in with the new guy. A guy she met on the internet from another state. So she moved out from her and her husband's home into an apartment with the new fellow. They are now having a baby while she is still married to her husband. We knew nothing of this. Looking back I do recall how she was testing someone all the time. One day I asked who she was texting because it seemed obsessive. She replied a friend. I let it go...not my business only brought it up because whenever we were together she was distracted by this non stop texting. It felt very distant and distracting. This explained why she quit talking to us. She did not want us to know what she was up to. I am sure she worried we would not approve. She is 26 but behaving much younger. She let us find out via other people. My son in law is suffering, my grandson is suffering. It is all a messy. And from the sounds of her nasty emails I am all to blame. Which I know I am not. I can see around corners she can not. I am concerned for the corner she has painted herself in. If she wanted to leave her husband and be with the new guy that is her life choice. I just assume she des not want to hear a thing from me about it all. I am just guessing about the why of it all since I don't know and she wont talk. Her husband is still taking orders from her so he wont talk or bring our grandson by anymore because she won't let him. Maybe he is hoping if he does want she wants she will come back.

Long story short...my adult daughter has stopped talking to me for about 6 months. I am not allowed to see my grandson as well. I received a horrible hurtful e-mail at the onset of the alienation telling me what a horrible mother I was. A week ago I received an e-mail entitled "childhood" things. She was requesting all the things I have stored from her childhood. The same horrible childhood she claims to be a product of.  Her words "pick up all my childhood toys and books you have in storage in the shop. Particularly my doll house, tea set, books, etc.....I think I'm having a girl and it would really be nice to have all the things I used to play with when I was little. Also any thing else like childhood photos, drawings, whatever you can find. My few baby outfits you held onto would be great also as those can be reused!"
I have been really torn over this. How can a horrible mother have provided such wonderful treasures? Hold on to, keep and store all these treasured childhood belongings?  The ugly e-mail and the request for childhood belongings just doesn't jive.
I have been vacillating between anger and sadness. Sometimes I want to give it so she can see all the love, and then I think she doesn't respect or appreciate me so how can she appreciate and cherish the "things". Thoughts please.

Hi Melissa

I have read and re-read the book "Mothers of Difficult Daughters". At the end the chapter "Moving on Together or Alone" calls volunteering the fountain of youth! Helping others gives life beyond our problems with our daughter/son. I find it feels wonderful to help others that appreciate my time and attention. It is so healing for me as well as those I take the time to serve. Even the simplest action to uplift others helps me to feel value when I feel low as a result of the rejection of my daughter. I recommend this principle to all mothers suffering the distancing of an adult child.