Here is what is sitting in my draft folder and today, I am low enought to pullt he trigger and send it!
Dear XXXXX,
I put you first from the day u were born until the day you left, over 20 years from the time I learned of your pregnancy and later felt u move inside me. It was the very best thing that EVER happened in my life and I so enjoyed being your mom and dad. It was like breathing to me. So automatic, natural and expected. Many, many fond memories<3
I was too young and should have probably waited, chose a better father for sure but you found your time to be born and fate chose your heritage. I have no regrets because out of it all came you, my son. I put my life on hold for you for 20 years, all of my early adulthood was yours and yours alone.
My generation has raised a group of self absorbed emotionally very immature now 'adults'. Apparently we have loved not wisely but too well in some ways.
I evidently have NOT met your expectations either and for that I am sorry.
So now after being rejected by you, it has taken my spiritual breath away but I will get better in time. I'll just keep moving at a harried pace to out run the pain and loss this whole thing has created for me. When it does catch up with me, like today, i find it so hard just to bear the pain. the loss that was intentional on your part. Worse than death because the separations were and have been on purpose. Maybe to punish me for imperfections and pure, good intentions?
After years of mistreatment from you, I must let you go because the pain of rejection and absence is too great! Way worse than my illness and anything that came before it. I never imagined this would happen...again?!
I WILL meet you in spirit, always in my heart but your threats and actions to put me out of your life have controlled me far too long. I have to move on or die from this broken heart. Seems like I have been held hostage, waiting for a chance to really connect with you and your beautiful family. So so very sad that family does not include me anymore.
No matter what you do or have done in the past I will NEVER change my love for you. I loved u from the very start and that will remain forever.
Kiss my grandsons for me and hold them a long time, as long as you can. I miss them dearly! I will hold onto my fond memories of them and you forever. I already know I will be excluded from xxxxx's birth announcements and seeing her sweet little face that will be here soon.
So now can stop punishing me as I am gone but know I am there, inside you forever.
----------
Time to pull the trigger?!
Beloved Footloose, My take is that when our AC arrive, either temporarily or permanently, at not caring how we feel or what we think, a letter is of no interest. The pain remains with the writer and is often not even read, much less processed, by the recipient. Put it in a folder, Dear one, and add others whenever it is necessary. How you feel and what you think matters a great deal to you, if not to your AC. And bring your letters to us, as you just did, because they and you matter here. Sending love...
Footloose, as Luise has said, keep the letter in your drafts file. It will only leave you feeling emptier and will only widen the gap between you and DS, when you don't get any response back at all. Maybe in your case, as in mine, its still a waiting game. My empathetic thoughts are with you today.
Dear Footloose.. What a wonderful and poignant letter. It has so eloquently put into words the feelings so many of us have here. You write incredibley beautifully. You should perhaps consider a blogg or a book of short essays. That's how good I think you are. However, I need to weigh in on the side of the others. File that letter away and do not send it. It will not be met with the intense feeling you hope for. Unfortunately so many of our ACs and spouses already view us as manipulators looking for sympathy or martyrdom. It will do nothing to soften him...only annoy and harden him. You don't want that. Let it be.
That was beautiful Footloose. I can feel your sorrow in your writing of how this relationship has turned out. It jumps off the pages because we all here know that pain, regret and sorrow, so we get it.
He's not going to get it. I can't even fathom what type of person it takes to throw away a parent that has done nothing grieviously wrong to them. I can't fathom it, because I couldn't do it. I read your letter with my emotions because I do understand everything you were saying. If he even reads it, he's not going to read it with those same emotions as those of us here, because if he could, he wouldn't be doing what he is doing to you. Are you prepared for him to only pick out those things in that letter that he more than likely will? You put your life on hold, you raised a self-absorbed son, he does nothing but mistreats you. I'm afraid that is what is going to happen. We can all take the letter as a whole and the intent you put behind it. Someone that isn't ready to deal with everything will pick out what suits their purpose.
I am with the others in saying don't send it.
Still very blurry from tears so pardon my poor typing!
Dear Pooh, i know, right? Thanks for your words and love!
Louise, always the wisest of the wise:)
LillyA, you are too kind and I can feel your love and thank you for it.
Ruth, my dear new friend, you are a ray of light into my soul.
i have a difficult mom and sisters. I swear I was the mailman's kid! LOL! I have been rudely insulted by my in laws at times out of their own ignorance as well but NEVER considered a shut out or time out. (I was preggers, she said, "Good Lord, my real name, your getting fat as a pig!" I only replied with, "thanks for noticing! like I can't tell that on my own!" then i let it go out of respect for her and my exhub but it was a knife shot.
I have been divorced for over 25 years and still am in contact with my ex's parents/ family. These people helped me with my son by being intermittent grandparents but it was help non the less. They loved him and took the place of his very absent/ troubled father who to this day is still under their financial support. He is 56 and they are in their 80s!
I was at their daughter's funeral this week with my current DH and they intro me to their people, still to this day, as their daughter. Yup, I divorced that manchild but kept his family!
I take the good and bad in all people and as long as the person has pure and good intentions, i forgive trespasses in bad judgement or behavior in the majority of cases. I see good in just about everyone except those who purposely impose pain or harm.
So sorry that my son did not pick up this loyalty from me:(
Footloose, when I reached that point, I sent a text that simply said: With the lying that has been going back and forth the last couple of weeks, it's become painfully obvious to me that you want nothing to do with your family. So I will honor that and just know I will always love you. You know where I live if you ever want to talk.
We had been texting back and forth over DIL's latest drama she had caused in my family on FB. I never could figure out if he was lying with the stories he was telling, or if she was telling him the lies and he was believing it. I finally decided that it didn't really matter which one of them was lying. They were now a unit and I was tired of trying to figure out what they were doing. If it was her, then he should have been angry about the mistreatment of his family, so in my head, he was still guilty either way and I was tired of trying to figure out what was going on with them.
When I did it, it was because I truly was done with the drama and stress. I did it with no expectation whatsoever of a response and knowing that I had probably sealed the deal. I did it for myself and my own life. I have no regrets. After this last cruel episode from the SM and DIL, I know I did the right thing.
I hear you Footloose. I tolerated 20 years of a critical, harsh, overbearing MIL that deserved more than once to be cut-off, but I didn't.
Footloose dear one
Think hard before sending that letter, I agree it could make things worse, even as that may not seem possible. The ladies here live up to the name of this website and you have a loving supportive team here to listen and understand and encourage however possible. The active process of letting go Louise talked about somewhere is a necessary one sometimes and it sounds like you are dealing with how to do that now. There is a poem posted by Ruth in the poems and stories section of this website titled 'Kindness'. You have found a region of kindness here, you are not alone on that bus anymore. Persevere. Come here, it is too much to handle alone. I honor the spirit in you - namaste.
Dear Footloose. I understand your feeling that you have to "Do something". We as parents always feel compelled to "Do something" anything.. Unfortunately that is not always the best thing. There comes a time when we simply need to "do nothing". We need to focus on ourselves and our own well being and let the chips fall where they may. It's not easy. We have felt responsible for our children since before they were born. They are OURS.. yet the reality is that they are no longer ours. We cannot force them to feel what they don't feel. AND we cannot base all our self worth on them. It's easy to say... I know. I struggle with this daily. Sometimes I feel OK with this.. even a sense of relief that I am not responsible for DS in any way. It sometimes feels like a weight off my shoulders. Our children know where we are. They know the door is open. That's all we can do.
Footloose, please, please don't send it for many reasons.
I'm certain it won't help your situation but will definitely make it worse, and don't forget it will be circulated globally on that all kinds of social networds in an effort to get sympathy.
Actions speak louder than words and I expect that your words will become another weapon.
Save the letter in your draft folder and come back in 6 months or a year, or print it out and burn it in a fireplace somewhere.
KG
:( I'm in the camp who wouldn't send it either. I sent an email that got completely turned around on me and my words used as weapons. Just a thought.
Journaling is a good idea.
Well, not much more needs to be said since everyone said it so well. Hold on to that letter for now. Once sent, it cannot be retrieved.
My heart aches with yours, Footloose. People's feelings can change like night and day and just as fast. Sometimes the release of writing that letter is helpful enough. You want to pull that trigger by sending, but I think I would hold off. "Sleep on it" if you will. Sometimes a new morning will bring with it a new perspective.
When you feel the urge to "pull the trigger", pull it right here with us and consider it dumped. A journal helps. I am surprised with my own journal (that I'm not 100% faithful in keeping at all times) is quite helpful. To go back and read through it will reveal that emotions/feelings do change like the wind. We're just going through the seasons of our lives. Try to live it with no regrets the best you can.
We're here for you, we feel your pain and know exactly what you're talking about.
Much love and warmest thoughts to you, dear sister.
Footloose-
I agree that this is material for a journal or a blog or a new topic category on WWU ("Letters We Want To Send"?) but not for him.
I do support your urge to uncouple from him so that you can move yourself out of this feeling of being victimized. I can say that to you because I have that same notion in me - victimized by my son and DIL. I just hate that feeling and persona and and feel the need to fight my way out of it and I hope that you will, too.
Maybe you should just take a long break from him - very long - for yourself. No doors slammed shut, just remove yourself from his influence on you? It takes 2 to fight and if one side just stops fighting and walks away, it changes something.
Ditto to all of the posts, don't' send , save it for a file. I write letters , reread, save and never send and many times it has been good therapy to put those thoughts in writing. For some reason is does give me some relief from the pain . Letters just like emails and texts are so easily misinterpreted from what you meant the reader to understand plus you can't see or hear their reactions which is what we want to know. Sending hugs .
I think a new catagory of "Letters we would love to send, but won't" is a WONDERFUL idea!! Louise... Is that possible? It would be a great outlet for feelings... some loving... some not so loving... and would be safe without causing WWIII in families.
Great idea, L. It's up and running under "Grab Bag!"
FL.... the title of this thread brings sadness to any mother . Where there is life there is hope and I hope one day your son will need you and look for you . So not goodbye , till we meet again ... sending hugs ......x
Footloose - please don't send this. It won't be received well.
To me, it didn't come off as sweet and nice, it came off as "you ruined my life" and "you are self-absorbed and immature" and "you're an ogre who keeps my grand-kids from me" with a little bit of "I'm going to the garden to eat worms".
The rule of thumb is to NEVER send the letter. It will be miscontrued and it will be considered as PROOF, written evidence, and used against you. Don't do it, it's not worth it.
Scoop
Even tho it's a rainy day here, i feel so much better. You wise ladies, of course are right! I will keep the letter our secret and will not send it.
Off to the lake yesterday with a good friend and her 20 yo daughter and my DH. Yes we brought the wonder dog too. Our 3 yo lab/ border collie pound pup gives us great joy. Talk about unconditional love? She is an all terrain doggie who kayaks, swims, hikes and climbs. I bet she'd let us push her on ocean beach waves with a boogie board too.
I have known my family friend for 35 years. We met in homeroom of high school on my first day at the school. (moved from another state) She and I still pay like kids together and enjoy each other so much. Her family adopted me too and are beautiful people. She was a big part of my son's life too and he always loved her too.
She and I talked about life and the wonderful ladies here and we are so saddened by this kind of hurt from our own children! She is blessed with a dutiful daughter who is very sweet and kind who just shakes her head in disgust at how this happens too much. Beautiful light in this girl's eyes, huge heart, just like her mom and grandmother! Nice<3
I will continue to surround myself with good people and avoid those who are hurtful and negative! Thanks for the help and blessings from you all. I am blessed for knowing you all!
Footloose-
What a wonderful friendship! You are blessed with a family beyond your blood kin. So happy (and jealous) that you have the lake, too!
I am crying for you as I write this. I know your pain. I am so sorry you are going through this. I think my tears are for both of us. I have lost my son and daughter and 2 grandchildren. If you've never had to walk this walk you can't know the unbearable pain.
FL I just celebrated my bff since the 2nd grade 60th birthday , kind of bittersweet as my mother died on her birthday 28 years ago. We have shared lose of first husbands , both being very young widows ( 28 and 32) , cancer, death of our dads when we were both young , second marriages we are both still in and the list goes on . The only thing I 've not shared with her is the death of her adopted son just last Nov from a drug overdose ( he was 28). We laugh , cry, have a glass of wine and hug each other through it all , so you are blessed to have that very special friend. I feel so blessed.
You put in words the many feelings I have. It seems we have all loved too much and have been kicked in the face for it> I always ask why? What did I do that was so bad and there is no answer. There is no help if we dont know what we did.
Dont send the letter. It is a cry that wont be heard. The selfishness of our children overides justice, and common sense . We have raised the give me generation. The instant gratification children. We gave and we give and we get nothing back but verbal abuse..We wander lost in thought and the same word comes up WHY. Most of us will never know. I wont.
We have to learn to let go. Not to stop loving, not to stop hoping but to build our lives anew. I hope you can try to do so..
J - For most of us, there is no 'why' because we did our best and we did was just fine. There is no sense to be found in the senseless. Searching for it is endless and demeaning...and...can become a dead end. We were whole before we had children and we can be whole again. Sending love...
dear footloose'.
I too did like you,I wrote a really long letter,15 foolscap pages.
My tears flowed freely as I was writing,, as to why?, what happened,etc, all those same thoughts and feelings as you.
I did not post it to him.I've kept it along with my journals safely tucked away.
I did tell my son, when we did 'get to talk', that I had written a letter to him,he said don't send it, I explained to him, that I had already decided not to send it to him, but I will be keeping it.
Like everyone here who is 'estranged/lost' from their child, it is a pain some days to hard to bear.
love and light to all xxxx
Welcome Mum! I'm sorry you're going through this, but very glad you've come to the site. As you've probably seen, you're not alone.
Please take a moment if you haven't already done so to read the pink-highlighted posts under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit.
There is a lot of support here :)
Just had a chance to read through this thread and all the wonderful kindness and caring I see here. Even though we all have had that anger and want so much to throw it at our AC like a Frisbee, it is so wise, FL, that you got all that angst out by posting it here and then, that you are so open about taking the overwhelming advice not to send it. That is the quality of a Wise Woman! Bravo to you and I want to say you are an inspiration.
I keep journals. I go back and forth about tearing pages out and leaving them in. Then I realize that nobody in my whole family is going to read these journals--they don't even take time to read my emails or listen to my phone messages!! If it isn't quick like a text they are not interested. I went to a writing workshop once with Jonis Agee where people voiced their fears about family finding their journals, so they were hesitant to write anything that might be considered unflattering. Jonis laughed and said...you know you are the person most interested in your writing, nobody else is going to bother going through all that after you are gone unless they are a writer themselves, and then they will understand.
begonia - your post is so wise, wish I had thought that way 8 months ago, though better late than never in my case. I wrote one of 'those letters' at my DS and dil request and sent it last fall. Big mistake for sure. Now, I have almost finished shredding boxes of my writings, journals, documents from my earlier life, kept in the mistaken belief someday ds might want to know more about me, who I was beyond his mother, why I made some of the decisions I did in my life which affected him as well. It is liberating not to think of any of that any longer. Cathartic. Those who want to know us deeply in those ways will ask and take the time to listen, the rest - well, their experience of us is probably all they require or want. Lots more storage now in this old house - in more ways than the obvious.
I am in touch again with DS and dil so there is some improvement there - a new way of being for us all I think. Even emails sent at request of DS aren't read. I sent one 2 days ago, he had asked me to let him know when a friend of his had their new baby. Talked to him briefly last night and he said he hadn't opened it - 2 lines. Glad I put "...baby here, all fine" in subject line. I will remember to just text him in future if needed. Fewest words, best, it appears. I'm ok with that, have had a few years to ' get' it now. I'm a little slow.
In my experience. I've discovered my AC dont want to know if I'm sad ,happy,in pain , depressed , tired , sick , whatever . If they ever ask how I am , as long as I say ' fine ' they are ok . My problems are not their problems , but theirs are most definitely mine ! Hhhmmmmm. .... !
welcome, mumof2sons! You're in good company here. Keep posting.
From LL: "In my experience. I've discovered my AC dont want to know if I'm sad ,happy,in pain , depressed , tired , sick , whatever . If they ever ask how I am , as long as I say ' fine ' they are ok . My problems are not their problems , but theirs are most definitely mine ! Hhhmmmmm. .... !"
I've realized this is true as well for me. Took me a while, though now my concentration is on family of the spirit and I am finding that while I am interested in ds and dil, I am mostly not being drawn into helping them, materially or physically, as in the past. I listen to their challenges when they open up to me about pregnancy currently or job related stresses and offer kind of the same ear I would to a relative stranger. While it is sort of an empty feeling for me, strangely it is freeing as well and in time I hope to move beyond the 'empty' of that sentence.
LL, true for me too. My AC never ask how I'm doing or what I've been up to. If I try to tell them anyway I get *chirp* chirp* chirp* (crickets.) They seem to be completely uninterested. However, I've heard through third parties that DS has bragged about me to his profs, and I saw once where he tweeted about something I'd done (a good thing, lol.) We can't assume they aren't paying attention; sometimes they surprise us. But mostly it's all about them.
What's amusing is that it's the same w/my DF/SM. They aren't interested in me either, but talk about themselves or SM's AC/GC constantly. Hmmm...I guess that means I'm not very interesting to anyone, lol. Not going to let that stop me from pursuing my goals & dreams, boring as they may be!
A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do . You go girl ! To heck with them all .... ;D
i did the letter thing too, i didnt make one shred od of differance i think it can give them pleasure knowing you hurt enough to write one ..just my opinion