March 28, 2024, 10:29:29 PM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - Keys Girl

31
I'm guessing everyone bothers because hope springs eternal.

You are so right.  We all deserve better, but if we aren't given what we deserve, then we have no choice but to take what we need from the world elsewhere.  You can't force anyone to do anything for you or you can fall into the pit of trying to manipulate the circumstances and people so that you get what you thought you would.

You can languish waiting for what you deserve to arrive or you can slowly and steadily add people, activities and places to your life that nourish your soul.

Bite the bullet of unmet expectations. 

It's so easy to take for granted that there are people who thought they would be able to see or hear or walk for the rest of their lives and many times through no fault of their own that was snatched away from them.  They persevere and endure like the Hoyt father and son team who complete Triathons and IRONMANS.

My advice is to make a list.  Get a new top 10.  The top ten things you always wanted to do, and all of these things have to be completely and separately apart from any AC, or anyone else.  Make another list of each step you need to take to complete each one.  Start knocking those items off the lists.  Take up a new sport.  Get those endorphins jumping......and you'll feel better.  Take action and Papa's advice, below.

"Never confuse movement with action"
Ernest Hemingway

KG
32
Absolutely wonderful!!! Good on ya!

I read some years ago that because of the receptors in the brain, it is more difficult to quit smoking that to quit any other substance (including heroin, no personal experience here) just what I remember from the article.

Hang in there, keep counting those days down.

KG
33
Grab Bag / Re: Today's Positive Thought
July 16, 2013, 07:29:09 PM
"The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot." ~ Michael Althsuler
34
Grab Bag / Re: Having A Bad Day
July 16, 2013, 07:27:03 PM
Glad to hear you've good some good news, Pooh, you've had more than your share of bad news for a while.

KG
35
Elijaysee, I'm starting to think that it's wrong to apologize to our adult children for any "mistakes" we made while bringing them up.  If we apologize for the mistakes do we not get "Brownie Points for everything we did right? the 24-7 caring for them?" 

There is no Playbook for Parenting, and I can't help but think that you make mistakes when you are doing arithmetic.  You get the wrong number and do it again for the right one.  I think that this particular generation has expectations that were brought into the stratosphere by the media that their parents match up to the "perfect" parents on the TV screen.  Those are fantasy parents and if we are held to a perfect standard of judgment that seems ridiculous, despite the fact that it's happening.  I hope that I come back in the spirit world to see how their own children will treat them in the future.

My grandmother would have gone for the rolling pin if her children expected her to apologize, for her "mistakes" and she wasn't gonna use it to make an apple pie. 

I don't like the word "mistake" when it comes to parenting.  Yes, there are a few things I would have done differently, but I did a world of good incredibly well, and I wouldn't change that for anything and even though I'm not in touch with my son any longer, that doesn't change all the good I did for him, as best I could, sometimes with few resources, but I defy anyone to have taken the circumstances I was in and to have done better.

It's hard to be left out and to be the parent who is taken for granted, when the other parent is seemingly favoured.

I don't think you can change them or the circumstances.  My advice is to "suck it up, buttercup", but go take care of yourself as well as you can, as much as you can afford.  No one bothers to celebrate your birthday? go on a cruise, and tell them to bring the cake and champagne to your table.  You won't be sitting alone for long! can't afford a cruise, find a local diner and organize a dinner for yourself with donations to a local children's charity.  Get hats from the Dollar Store and balloons, etc.  I realize that you organized all the birthday parties for the "rugs rats" for many years, but sometimes things don't work out the way you expected or planned.  My aunt sold me "That's life".

Sometimes the friends we meet along the way become just as or even more precious that the biological ones.

Give yourself a 15 minute "sad" time per day, and the rest of the put on your party pants, get out and get the show on the road.  This is like the choice of ripping off a bandaid quickly or pulling it off slowly, with the continuing agony of sadness lingering for a long time.

I recently heard of a close friend of a friend who died suddenly of breast cancer at the age of 25, after being diagnosed 4 weeks earlier.

What would you do with your 4 weeks if you had been in her shoes?  Don't let this happen to you, don't wait around for anyone who isn't interested in spending time with you, making the effort to see you, or treating your with fairly basic courtesy.  They might be kin but they can be distant kin (pun intended) and left to their own devices.  Maybe one day they'll come to appreciate you, maybe they will continue to take you for granted.  No-Ba-dee knows, so don't count on anything and count on making it happen yourself.

Here's what you know, you have time and your own life, so get those party shoes, pants and anything else in the cupboard on and get the show on the road.

Move on to Chapter Two, and tell them to turn the dancing music up! 

Good luck,
KG


36
Quote from: fantine on July 07, 2013, 08:51:05 AM
I can't understand what I'm doing wrong; nothing I do is right and I'm so weary of trying.

A couple of years ago I decided to leave the "Nothing you do is Right" territory and head for calmer waters.  When someone has got you in the bull's eye of anger and resentment, anything and everything you do will be twisted in their minds to fit their agenda.

Why bother?  Why play a game that you can only lose? ("Always change a losing game is a book that I read about 20 years ago, very helpfu).  I've felt like the hockey puck that people were slapping with their sticks, so I decided to let them get another puck.

I decided to stop trying to do anything "right" for anyone else and do everything "right" for me and me alone. 

Don't shut down on yourshelf, "shut down" on the position that you are in.  You are #1 in your own life and to your own self, and put up whatever barriers you need to make it more difficult for the people giving you grief to continue to do so.

An the ex is in the mix? egging him on perhaps? analyzing phone records? does that not reach the zenith of control freaks?

Your son is still young in years compared to mine and many others in the WWU family.  He'll have to choose if he wants to continue to take the path of screaming and verbally attacking people........and see how far that gets him in life.

My advice is take the energy that you've been using to figure this out and turn down the volume on it. 

First of all, I would buy a new phone, get a new number.  If people want distance and don't want to talk you, give them what they want, only on your terms.  New phone, new number, give it to people that you trust completely.  Leave the old phone on.........never listen to it..........if your son and ex find out you have a new number they may dial up the volume on trying to reach you to continue the pattern and you never know what info they leave on the old phone might come in handy.  Get someone else to keep tabs on it if necessary.

I also recommend a therapeutic massage once a week, you can find students who will do them as part of their curriculum if cost is a problem.  Head for calmer waters and leave the hurricane chasing for the pros.

KG



37
Grab Bag / Re: It's Our Webmaster's Birthday!
July 13, 2013, 07:22:55 PM
Happy Belated Birthday, Kirk!

KG
38
Grab Bag / Re: My Ex-husband's wife has died
July 09, 2013, 08:44:26 PM
Oh........I would have had to bite my tongue........"Funny, you didn't seem to like her much when she was breathing" would have come to mind.

You handled the whole situation incredibly well.  Class act.

KG
39
Pen, last year some friends from decades ago, were supposed to get together with me for the first time in 5 years.  He was the best man at our wedding, my ex's best friend and his wife and I have been "girl pals" for decades.  They have two sons and now a grand daughter.   She loves to talk about the grand daughter (of course) and I knew that they were unaware that I was not in touch with my son and was not invited to the wedding.

I didn't want to be roasted over the coals of any well meaning questions or even just have to hash it all up again from a to z. I could have just cancelled.  I decided that protecting my emotional well being was Job #1 and didn't really want to cancel if I could avoid it.

I sent them a short email a few days before we were supposed to get together saying "My relationship with my son is not what it used to be and you likely don't know that.  There is nothing to be done so talking about it upsets me greatly.  I would be happy to get together with you but with the understanding that no conversations will be held about this.

We got together, not a word was brought up about the "situation" and we had a nice time.  Conversations about all kinds of other topics just fell into place.

I think you should tell your friend "I'm happy for you that your family is so close knit and you have such great times together, but I would prefer that you share the bulk of the detail about these times with one of your other friends who has a similar situation, who can relate to you a lot more than I can.  My situation is different and when I hear about your fun times, it's another needless reminder that things turned out the way they did, not the way I hoped or expected them to so I would prefer that we limit the feedback about your family and their activities to a smaller part of our time together".  Send her an email or tell her yourself, whatever is easier, but what you are really doing is reminding her in a gentle way that she is being just a little self absorbed and insensitive to you.  Not to mention, things can happen and happy families can find themselves in unexpected, even tragic circumstances.  Your friend may be crying on your shoulder a few weeks or months from now.  She doesn't have any guarantees that the happy times she's enjoying now will continue. 

If she's a great friend, she won't want to upset you. 

It's not a pity party, it's a goulash of all those negative, destructive emotions that will give you another five minutes of feeling that there is a hole in your heart.  It's not the recipe you used and you don't have to eat it.

Tell her, Pen.  You'll find out if she's the kind of friend who wouldn't want to bring you another minute of sadness, as I found out with my friends.

And of course, if she continues to fill your ears with the same wonderful unending chain of her family events after you've told her.........I'd cut her off like a fish on a line.

KG





   
40
Welcome, and don't worry about the whys........the reasons........it doesn't matter........and you may never know why things happen the way they do, just that they have happened.  There may be reasons that a figment of your son's imagination or some other hostile lies that were planted by someone jealous of you.

Don't think that you are the only person who knows that your son has treated you badly and that everyone else thinks he's a great guy.  People rarely come forward with moral support in these kinds of circumstances but may be sending you some silent prayers across the room.

Take your time, take care of yourself, and focus on just getting through those wild swings of emotions.  They will settle down eventually and you'll be able to carry on and move forward.

KG
41
Jane, you ROCK!!

Your grandchildren are so lucky to have you fighting for them and taking care of them.

Hopefully this is the turning point in your daughter's journey that will lead her to a life of responsibility as well as getting the medical treatment that she needs.

Have fun getting it all organized,

KG
42
Grab Bag / Re: My Ex-husband's wife has died
July 08, 2013, 05:28:43 PM
LC, my internet connection was cut about 10 days ago when I moved so I'm sorry to be late to follow up.

What an incredible waterfall of emotions to deal with.  Good for you for going to the wake and paying back the kindness of your ex when your husband died, and what a difficult time it must have been to be around so many people with so many deep emotional connections. 

I'll second Luise, I'm in awe too.

KG
43
Good for you both, I'm sure the GC appreciated your presence.

KG
44
Forgot to mention that I am going to find myself a new GP but getting moved into my new apartment (which was my Mother's Day gift to myself) is higher on the priority list.  Another negative review showed up this week on Rate MD, she's got a real habit for misdiagnosing significant problems. 

KG
45
Ok, ladies........got a call from the kidney specialist a few days ago, cancelling my appt. for end of July and moving it to today.  That would have been fine but today I got the keys to my new apartment so cancelling an appointment and rescheduling it on with almost no notice to a day I already had plans for wasn't exactly impressing me.

After going through the results from my specialist for the last 20 years that shows a marked and steady decline in kidney function that would put me in the middle of stage 3B, by March of this year, she dismissed them because she didn't know the assay number the lab used so considers those creatinine numbers useless.

She is using the blood tests for the last few months (the ring-a-ding GP's office didn't send her the tests results from last week's stick, and never asked me to go for the ultra sound she requested).  She has now diagnosed me as having no evidence of kidney disease.

Now, it's not that I wouldn't like to accept that diagnosis but logic tells me that 20 years beats out 3 months and this kidney specialist is a newbie and my specialist has been around the block for decades and is a hugely high profile physician.  I would love to be a fly on the wall of his office when he reads that she is discarding his blood work data and recommendations.

I'm going to make sure that all her conclusions are forwarded to my specialist and if he wishes, I'll get a second opinion from another kidney specialist.  Might just shuffle off to Buffalo, and have a plate of wings at the same time.

She had better not be wrong. The ultra sound that I'm going for and another test should help the puzzle but just in case, I'm making copies of everything so I can hand them over to a lawyer I know who specializes in malpractice suits although the newbie was quick to mention that in her opinion I don't have kidney disease TODAY, but next month or so might be different.

I know that now that I'm 60, my risks for kidney disease have gone up a lot.  One of the main risks is heart disease as a result and since my father died of a heart attack at 67, and passed on those genes to me, when I turned 50 and went through menopause and my blood pressure went through the roof, after a lifetime of low blood pressure.

I've had to be hyper vigilant about doing everything possible to crack the 67 year ceiling.  My former GP used to send me for all types of heart related tests on a regular basis but the ding-a-ling? not so much.  This is the first year in the last 10 I haven't gone for an EKG.  The ding-a-ling doesn't think it's necessary She better pray I don't have a heart attack on her watch.  I'll come back to haunt her dreams, every single night

Thank you to everyone for the moral support along the way, dealing with the health problems and the ding-a-lings in the white coats is enough to turn your hair white.  Getting older sure ain't for sissies.

The main thing I would like to pass on is: ALWAYS GET A COPY OF EVERY MEDICAL TEST YOU GET, YOU ARE ENTITLED TO THEM, AND IT SEEMS THAT THE STEP A LITTLE FASTER WHEN THEY KNOW THAT YOU COULD BE BRINGING THESE RESULTS TO A LAWYER OR A REGULATOR.  ANY MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL OR OFFICE STAFF WHO DRAGS THEIR HEELS DOING THIS SHOULD BE REGARDED WITH SUSPICION.

KG