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Thanks, Pooh.  That's a big help.  I don't know if the police can make a report but I'm going to talk to them today.  I'm certain they were taken, I've turned this little place upside down in the last 3 days.  They are big and heavy and stick out like a sore thumb, but they aren't sticking out cause they aren't here.

I catalogued the boxes when I moved, with the contents in each.  My catalogue shoes the box holding the binders was emptied.  I emptied all the boxes, sent them to recycling, locked the door and then went on a well deserved holiday.  Came back to find this. 

I'm not unpacking anything else and am actually re-packing some stuff that I don't use day to day.  It's obvious that I'll have to move, I'm just going to deal with the paperwork first and then determine my options.

KG

Oh blazes.......wouldn't you know it.......I've been sorting through my stuff now that I'm in my new apt.  I cannot find the binders that held all the data about my bank statements, credit cards, contracts, legal stuff, every important document from the last 10 years was in those binders.  I could tolerate but not like someone stealing the small items that I'm missing but now we are into the realm of possible identify theft.

I'll go talk to the Banks, etc. tomorrow, not keen to get the Police involved if the perp is living in the building with the keys to my unit.  I've come across this before and I'm not concerned that anyone would come in while I'm in the unit, I think the aim is to intimidate and show me who owns the turf.

Since the grease monkey who is the maintenance guy lives in my building, I'll have to go talk to the Police, I assume.  I got this new apartment as a Mother's Day present to myself and it's starting to resemble being a parent...........more headaches than you expected along with the good stuff.

If this is a sign of things to come, next Mother's Day I might just have to give myself a new apartment!

KG

Keep up the smoke free days, you are already over the 3 week mark!!

Alanon has a special pamphlet for the parents of alcoholics.  Check their website, they now have electronic meetings and they have some really good resources. 

Your daughter has made choices that have given her consequences that she doesn't like.  Sounds like she's in the grip of the disease.

Of course you did the best you could.  Don't doubt that for an instant.  Ever.

Hang in there,
KG

Jane, have you checked up on the background of the people that you are dealing with in those agencies?  If you can find a "skeleton" in someone's closet perhaps you can have to case transferred to someone who might get some steam on.  There's lots of info online.  Herb Cohen's book, "You can negotiate anything" might give you some ideas of how to deal with people who might be stonewalling you.  (Not sure if I can mention this book here but if not please remove the reference)

Hang in there,

KG

I agree with Pooh about the sun, and I would throw in the moon and the stars for Luise.

I also agree with everything LC says.  Talk is just talk wherever it is.  People who are used to pushing you around dial the volume up and down with promises or apologies until they find the right level that seems to motivate you to stay with them. 

Have you considered getting some professional marriage counselling? sometimes you go without the partner and that's a good place to start. 

Don't forget to tell them you were responsible for WWII the next time should someone put you down again.  Have some fun with it.  Stick out your arms and say "Yup, I have big shoulders, I am all powerful, I am woman, I am responsible for every major war in the last 500 years, every scrap of misery ever endured and throw in the Bubonic Plague just for fun".  I've tried this before and it's so absurd that everyone will probably start laughing.  Anyone ever blame you for anything again, you can say "Oh that's so wussy compared to WWII", don't waste my time with that nonsense.

KG

Short update - I've moved to my new apartment, had a lot or problems getting the internet set up, had someone break in and steal a few items while I was away for a few days.  Not a great welcome to the neighbourhood.  "It's always something" as Gilda Radner used to say.

It's been just over a month since I saw the "wet behind the ears" kidney specialist who said she would make arrangements for the tests to be done that the GP didn't.  Of course, no follow up, no tests were done.  I was counting on getting the data from the ultrasound of the kidneys to give me a definite answer on whether or not the blood test that put me up into Stage 3B was accurate, but they weren't done.

I eventually remembered this is the first year in the last 10 that I haven't had an EKG, despite the fact that I am at high risk for cardiac problems.  Guess the GP forgot to order that too.   

When I get everything unpacked, I'll be on the hunt for a new GP, and will widen the net and drive a couple of hours to a larger city if necessary. 

Thanks for letting me vent here,

KG

Welcome to Connie and Mscrief,

It's important to remember not to worry about these adults when you don't hear from them.  They are not lying in a ditch somewhere with a truck stuck on them otherwise it would be on TV.  My male friends taught me that when you don't hear from a man, he's fine.  If you hear from him, he usually wants something from you.  You would be surprised at how well your AC can manage when standing on their own two feet.  You taught them common sense and everything else, Texas heat or Atlantic hurricanes are something they can tolerate and deal with otherwise they would change that.  They are adults who can take care of themselves.

I've experienced the silent treatment and it's hard to deal with, especially at first. 

Being the person waiting for the phone to ring is never fun.  I think there is only one remedy, which is "Get Busy".  Join some new clubs, take up a sport or hobby.  Do as many things that bring you joy and remove as many people and circumstances (including AC) that bring you grief.

The "silent treatment" can be used as punishment, but you can render it useless, by turning it inside out.

Use the energy that you might have spent worrying or feeling left to "twist in the wind" on other things that bring you joy. 

The punishment doesn't work if the person "receiving" it doesn't suffer, it's like punishing you by giving you a truckload of chocolate.

KG

Quote from: freespirit on July 24, 2013, 06:27:15 AM
I do believe if the family acts up against me again, and I get up and walk away with a suitcase under  my  arm,...that may be all they need to change. I know it would give them all a shock for life. Heh heh.....So, I would want to first give that a try before I take a more drastic step..jpg[/img]

What's more drastic that walking away with a suitcase?  If you are going to do that to give anyone a shock, you are using that as a tactic.  It won't work, but it will give a new change of scenery for anyone tired of bad mouthing you in front of others and a new opportunity to push you around.

You can't change anyone except yourself.  Why should they change? They are having fun at your expense, why should they give up the game?

I doubt that your family would be shocked to see you pick up a suitcase and leave.  Many people told my ex that I would leave him if he didn't stop treating bed badly.  He bragged........"Naw.......she'll never leave me".  He was surprised when I left but he put the pedal to the metal to promise me the moon, the stars and Venus on a plate if I returned.  I got some good advice from a wise women who told me that abused women, (financially, verbally, emotionally and every other type) typically have to leave NINE times before they stay away for good.  They are always wooed back and the cycle starts again.  Their favourite tactic is "I"ll change, oh, yes, I can change"........sure, the usual nonsense that lasts for a few days or even a couple of weeks.

Family patterns and dynamics are profoundly difficult to change, so if you want your situation to change, you'll have to start with changing yourself and the way you interact with those people and get ready to battle them for a better life for yourself.  Read up on the term "enabler". 

If you want to live a life away from people who treat you like their personal dart board, it won't be easy or amusing.  You'll have to decide what you want and take whatever steps you have to if necessary. 

KG

Freespirit, Of course, it's not all bad......but the good times are like a hook that keep you hoping that they will "change".  They won't.  You want change? to go the grocery store with a $20 bill.......now THAT'S change.  Living with a nasty husband is like trying to be one of those lumberjack guys who run on the logs in the water.  Sometimes you run forward, real fast, and then you reverse direction, real fast, otherwise you are in the drink.  Either way, you are always running.

I too had a nasty husband and put my shoes on and said "Bah Bye" after one year of marriage when his behaviour was right out of "The OJ Simpson Guide to Making a Woman's Life A Living Hell While Telling Her How Lucky She Is To Have You".  He played the "Boo Hoo, I'll be better" crocodile tears card and I stayed that night and for almost a dozen years........how I wished so many times I had kept my shoes on and kept on walking.  I learned the hard way that patterns repeat and abuse of any kind is repeated, with short spaces in between, the "honeymoon" so that you'll hang in there.

The next time a man is crying because you are thinking of leaving him, tell him you are on a low salt diet.  No tears.  Grit your teeth because if you are with a man who is crying because he's treated you badly and you are calling him on it......he's underestimated your respect for yourself and he's back-pedalling 'cause he's used to manipulating everyone and anyone to get his way.  That "you are over reacting, etc." is the blame shift........tails I win, heads you lose.

If you are ever in a spot where a man is crying because of HIS bad behaviour..........watch for the "blame shift" followed by the tears.........tears are the last resort.........when the garbage coming out of their mouths doesn't get them their way, the garbage comes out of their tear ducts. 

The English have a term.  "Bolt Hole".......a place to run to when you want to.

It's hard to start over when you are over 60, and financial issues are a big part of it, it's very scary.  I walked out without a penny, no job, no education, no supportive family, and a lot younger, with just the knowledge that I came to one day that I couldn't continue to live like that for another hour more and deserved better.  I put my shoes on and kept on going..........he cried........and I kept walking.  I fell for it the first time, but not the second.

If you are going to make some big changes in your life, I suggest you wait for the day when you gut tells you to "GO".  You'll know when the right time comes, but it's not like waiting for a bus, because abuse escalates........always.........it only goes in one direction.......that's the pattern. 

Go buy yourself a dress with some frogs on it, get some frog type things for the house.  Chuckle every time you look at one.  You might just want to go on a combined bird/frog watching nature trail hike.

KG

Quote from: freespirit on July 23, 2013, 05:51:31 AM
My sons just continued laughing like two immature 14 year olds, thinking they were being hilarious. She who laughs last, laughs best.

Why do they do this? My take.  They do it because the don't have any respect for you and know there won't be consequences.  You let them go on because you didn't want your other guest to be uncomfortable.  Really? what about your comfort levels?? but they knew this, they did this to destroy your comfort.  They know you better likely than anyone else does. They know exactly how to hurt you.

The concept that your mother is always your ever suffering mother who will up with whatever you dish out is deeply rooted in this society.  Verbal abuse from someone with a biological connection is still verbal abuse.  If you want to accept that, it's your choice.  It will give you more and more reason to feel sorry for yourself, if that's what you want to do. 

Just the contrary, I was a devoted stay at home Mom, cooked my children two meals a day. I'm the furthest thing from lazy, in fact I built up a successful business all on my own.  Oh, built up a business and maybe the boys didn't like the fact that you might have taken a couple of minutes away from them?

I'm 64, and care for my grandchildren 3-4 days a week. For free, I'll bet!

Maybe they are jealous? Probably, and I'd throw lazy and unappreciative into the mix.

But still, isn't there any respect, any love? Sadly, no.  It's not possible to have love without respect, I was told a long time ago.

Why do they put me down, rock each up to the point of evil laughter, making a cruel game of it. They are bullying you, and bullies pick on people they know won't fight back, or who are too weak to be of a threat to them.

I couldn't sleep at all that night, thinking I just want to move away from this family. I don't need this....and I'm so very tired of it.  It's not against the law to move away from anyone, and you don't have to tell anyone. 

You can rock the boat big time or you can remember the phrase "The floggings will continue until the morale improves". 

Your grandchildren of course are the hostages.  I don't have any (that I know of) so I can't speak to that.  I can speak to the fact that it is possible to have a better life without your AC in it.  Removing any type of abuse from your life leaves room for the good stuff and good people

When I complain to my husband about him not sticking up for me as well, his pat answer is; don't take it so seriously, they were just joking around. Well,...I'm not laughing,  and nobody else thought it was funny either. You know, I wonder if I should  send each one of them a copy of this post.

Send them a copy of the post? Nope.  Go on an unexpected, unexplained holiday for an undetermined period of time......Piece of cake.  New phone number, turn the phone off.  Put a bounce back message on your email that says "my internet service is currently unreliable". 

In your back pocket remember that you can:
Send them a letter from a lawyer telling them that you are no longer providing free babysitting services, and you are providing them with an invoice for at least $10,000 for services provided in the past (attached a scale of the States's minimum wage), and tell them that if provide them with a restraining order to not allow them to come within a mile or so from you because of their verbal abuse in front of a group of people who could testify against them in court? Yup. 
Send your husband the letter that he has 24 hours to vacate the premises and find a woman who doesn't mind being trash talked by family and include the phrase "Take this seriously, I'm not joking around".  There is a word for husbands like that. GOODBYE.
Get someone to mock up a photograph of the two rug rats who have a lot of fun "joking around" and ask the local newspaper to run this ad "No deposit, no return for two adult sons who get their jollies by trash talking their mother.   Will sign adoption papers within the hour for anyone with a pulse who wants them.  No love, no respect and no waiting around, you can have them immediately, cause the "Bully Your Mother Department" is closed.   Let them know that the "Mom's No Fool and She Can Bully Her Sons If She Chooses" Department can be opened........
Send them a letter from the lawyer with the Mockup telling them that if they try to reach or bother you while you are on vacation for the immediate future, the file will be sent to the New York Times first.
Change the locks, change you phone number and take every document and item of value and put them into a large safety deposit box while your husband isn't paying attention. 
Take your passport, get in your car, drive away to some place far way where you can forget about the ingrates or get to the airport where you can get on a plane and buy everything you need once you get there.  You don't need a suitcase, I hear Paris has lovely clothes.
Take off your wedding ring and if a man who has some courtesy and respect for you wants to have a conversation, tell him your calendar is very busy, but you'll keep him in mind.  Give him a sweet smile as a reward for his attention.  Paris has some lovely Cafes, watch out for the land sharks, but you probably won't find any man in that city who will talk to you and provoke laughter and malice like the biological units, and a husband for whom the word bozo is too good.  You'll soon forget that horrible shaft of pain when your guts twist as your sons try to shame you as punishment for your devotion.

I know it's incredibly painful when it's too late to turn back the clock and to be able to not choose to spend 9 months bringing a couple of BUs (biological Units) into the world but Mother Nature makes a mistake every once in a while, just look at those frogs with 6 legs.

When you are dealing with bullies, you CAN ONLY OUT BULLY THEM OR GET AWAY FROM THEM.  That's how they will get respect for you.  They have to connect so they can prove to you that they are #2 and anything less infuriates them.

Once you get the ball rolling, you won't be able to stop where the energy goes or how your sons will respond, maybe you'll never see your grandchildren again, they will try to "show you" who is the boss of them but maybe your stomach won't turn when you hear the sound of your sons' voices humiliating you in front of others.

When you are dealing with bullies, you CAN ONLY OUT BULLY THEM OR GET AWAY FROM THEM.  That's how they will get respect for you.  They have to connect so they can prove to you that they are #2 and anything less infuriates them.

I know this is drastic, but if you don't remove yourself as the scapegoat, the game will always be the same. 

KG

That quote was of course from Nora Ephron.

Hang in there!

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim," she said in a 1996 speech to the graduating class of Wellesley College (from which she graduated in 1962).

You're my Day 8 hero!

KG

Dear Jane, you obviously have the courage of a lion to deal with this situation and you might just call upon the spirit of Nelson Mandela in these trying times.

Here are my thoughts.  If you aren't already, document everything, on paper, on the computer, turn your phone on, tuck it into your pocked and video tape the next session with "The Powers That Be".

This is a marathon..............the finish line is when you get those boys.........don't volunteer any info because they are documenting everything that comes out of your mouth, to maybe use it against you in the future.

I have found the phrase "What else do you need from me?" say it through clenched teeth if you have to.  Send an email with that phrase once a week.  If you get a snarky reply, answer "Just checking"

Don't focus on the plans that won't come to fruition.  Summer may be over, but fall is a wonderful time to spend a month planning for Halloween........get your car decorated like a Star Wars space ship........figure out what you will use to make light sabres, record the soundtrack and test drive it while blasting those wonderful notes down the street.  If you don't get the boys then, plan for Christmas.........plan ahead, plan ahead.........always have something to look forward to ........don't let those

Whatever you do, no matter how severely you are provoked, never lose your temper, or bad mouth them.  This is just like going through customs to get on the airplane.  Your destination is in sight, but you have to be patient. 

In being patient with those "who need to be obeyed" you are paying your dues with them.  I realize that they can be as dumb as planks, as stupid as a bag of hammers but they have the "Keys" to the joy and laughter you'll have eventually with your grandchildren.

KG

Quote from: luise.volta on July 21, 2013, 08:44:13 PM
KG - Here are the shoes that saved me from having to give up my long, fast walks. Sending love...

http://www.amazon.com/Orthaheel-Womens-Walker-Shoes-White/dp/B004L6Y3IY/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1374464527&sr=8-2&keywords=Women%27s+orthaheel+shoes

Thanks so much, Luise, I now have orthotics, but those shoes look wonderful, will get a pair this week.

My only plan for the bad days is to keep busy.  I got a pedometer and started walking.  Took Dr. Oz's advice and started out with 10,000 steps a day and lost some weight.  I plan to do a 10K walk in Dec. (6.2 miles).  I was walking 2-5 miles a day in shoes that were worn out while training in the spring and got shin splints and other injuries so I've been sidelined for the last couple of months.

Walking is a way for me to clear out the cobwebs and sort though the spider web.  I'm not a spider and I don't want to be in anyone's web.

The endorphins probably kick in and my brain is clearer, I think about what I want to do for who and for me and usually have made some major decisions on very long walks or hikes.

A good friend once gave me this advice: if you are having trouble with someone ask yourself "Do I want this person in my life?" if you don't then don't waste a minute, move on to doing for the people you do want.  Sadly if the other person in the equation (AC) has decided they don't want you in their life, it's a gut wrenching realization that you must respect their choices. 

Maybe someday the circumstances will evolve as people do, both generations and you can meet in the middle with some common ground.  My personal view is that the chances of that happening diminish if you "chase" after anyone. 

The bad days are BAAAD. 

My mother used to say "Mother said there would be days like this, but she didn't say how many"

My BAAD days are few and far between now, just over 5 years since my relationship with my son went down that slippery slope into a crevasse.

I do have some days when I've never been happier.  I'm doing things I might not have done if I were still on good terms with my son and having a lot of fun doing them.

It's not a great trade, but you gotta remember that I think it was just a bunch of beads traded for the island of Manhattan, so I'm not the only person/nation to be on the bad side of a trade.

KG