WiseWomenUnite.com

Problem Solving => Grandchildren => Topic started by: Invisible on December 21, 2009, 08:18:24 AM

Title: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: Invisible on December 21, 2009, 08:18:24 AM
Since my son died 27 months ago, my DIL has been formally charged twice with child abuse. They have told her one more time and she will go to jail. She drinks consumes illegal drugs and is extremely self centered. She has covered her self with tattoos. My granddaughter spends more time in a tattoo shop than any where else. The mouth on this women would make a sailor blush.

I know she will get caught again is a matter of time. Several months ago, I had my granddaughter over and asked her how she bruised her arms. My granddaughter told me her mom picked her up by her arms and threw her on the sofa. I should have called but I didn't.....

I know the abuse will happen again .. not if just a matter of when. I am just waiting......
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 21, 2009, 08:23:26 AM
OH!!!! NO!!!  I am sick about this~~!   :'(
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: Invisible on December 21, 2009, 12:07:42 PM
This waiting game is difficult. Everytime my granddaughter is over I reaffirm my love, telling her she always is wanted and can stay with me. She gets a big smile on her face. She was always her daddy's girl. Since he died she is having behavior issues in and out of school. All I can do is tell her I am here if she needs me.
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: cremebrulee on December 21, 2009, 12:38:56 PM
Quote from: Invisible on December 21, 2009, 08:18:24 AM
Since my son died 27 months ago, my DIL has been formally charged twice with child abuse. They have told her one more time and she will go to jail. She drinks consumes illegal drugs and is extremely self centered. She has covered her self with tattoos. My granddaughter spends more time in a tattoo shop than any where else. The mouth on this women would make a sailor blush.

I know she will get caught again is a matter of time. Several months ago, I had my granddaughter over and asked her how she bruised her arms. My granddaughter told me her mom picked her up by her arms and threw her on the sofa. I should have called but I didn't.....

I know the abuse will happen again .. not if just a matter of when. I am just waiting......

Lord, I'm so so sorry you've experienced this...stay strong and as you say, keep reassuring her...this same thing happened to a friend of mine, it was a long road...but she obtained custody...she said, she felt as if that was her purpose, to be here for her grand daughter. 

Thank God she has you....please know your in my thoughts and prayers...
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: Invisible on December 21, 2009, 01:51:41 PM
My DIL would not give up custody easily. There is money involved. I think she receives about 3,000. dollars per month in social security death benefits. DIL would definitely fight to keep custody. Like you said ...I am just waiting.  I told her I would raise my granddaughter the answer was no.

I taught my granddaughter how to ride a bike and how to roller skate. We do arts and crafts together. Recently, I took her to see the circus for the first time. Her mother takes her to tattoo shops and to the mall. DIL is spending my sons inheritance and the money from his insurance policy. A fool and (her) money is soon parted. I predict it will take her about 5 years to spend the money. The situation makes me so angry.... All I can do is wait for the cards to fall. In life ...All we can be assured of is change.
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: cremebrulee on December 21, 2009, 02:19:24 PM
Quote from: Invisible on December 21, 2009, 01:51:41 PM
My DIL would not give up custody easily. There is money involved. I think she receives about 3,000. dollars per month in social security death benefits. DIL would definitely fight to keep custody. Like you said ...I am just waiting.  I told her I would raise my granddaughter the answer was no.

I taught my granddaughter how to ride a bike and how to roller skate. We do arts and crafts together. Recently, I took her to see the circus for the first time. Her mother takes her to tattoo shops and to the mall. DIL is spending my sons inheritance and the money from his insurance policy. A fool and (her) money is soon parted. I predict it will take her about 5 years to spend the money. The situation makes me so angry.... All I can do is wait for the cards to fall. In life ...All we can be assured of is change.

My son's step mother used to beat him and verbally abuse him...it was a long long long road...so I do know what your going thru...yes, the money will be gone and I fear she will come to you for money, play upon your love for your GD and use her as the need for that money...maybe that is when you should hire a lawyer...perhaps when she's really down and out, she will sign your GD over to you...God bless you dearheart...no child should ever have to go through something like that...

I still remember Jesus saying..."Woe to those who harm one hair on this child's head"
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 21, 2009, 02:21:49 PM
Invisible....this just breaks my heart!  For you and for your Granddaughter.  I want you to know that a Grandmother is the most wonderful influence on earth!!  My Mother died when I was young so I lived with her.  If it had not been for her, I don't know what would have happened to me.

My father was just a bad man.  I think that's why my Mother had to die....she had no way to get away from him.

I just want you to know that you can be the best thing that ever happened to your Granddaughter, living with you or not.  Be her teacher and guide, whenever you get to be with her;  it will stick, it will forever and ever.  It did in me. 

A Grandmother is usually one of the few people, other than a child's parents who really love that child unconditionally, with real vested interest in that child. 

Many blessings, Invisible...you are not invisible here.   :)
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: cremebrulee on December 21, 2009, 03:08:55 PM
Children who have many role models in they're lives, such as GP, Aunts, uncles, etc...and spend time with them, seem to be more socialble kids and adults...they get to choose who they would like to be like...they learn they're are different rules in different households...they learn the diversity of love, and know they are loved....they are more secure and confident...
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: Invisible on December 22, 2009, 07:49:59 AM
I try to tell my GD how much her Daddy and I love her. Even if he is not here he still loves her. MY DIL speaks badly about her dad and of course me. I think DIL wants to be the center of her daughter's world. She wants all of her daughter's love. DIL is very controlling, domineering....she is a bully. It is a very sick situation.  I am afraid my GD will be swayed by her mother's views. GD repeats all her mother's negative comments.
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: cremebrulee on December 23, 2009, 10:10:16 AM
Quote from: Invisible on December 22, 2009, 07:49:59 AM
I try to tell my GD how much her Daddy and I love her. Even if he is not here he still loves her. MY DIL speaks badly about her dad and of course me. I think DIL wants to be the center of her daughter's world. She wants all of her daughter's love. DIL is very controlling, domineering....she is a bully. It is a very sick situation.  I am afraid my GD will be swayed by her mother's views. GD repeats all her mother's negative comments.

Invisible...you said in one of your posts, that your DIL would not give up her child easily...yanno, she may not have a choice...I was watching a program this morning...and they said, when the mother is no longer available to the child, the grandparents if they're able, are granted custody....so don't give up hope....

Hugs Creme
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: Invisible on December 24, 2009, 04:00:16 PM
Cream...Hope is all I have. Yes, she has been charged twice with child abuse. The 3rd time will be very serious for my DIL.  She has been assigned a social worker. Everyone is aware of the situation.

I am here watching and waiting.

Quote from: cremebrulee on December 23, 2009, 10:10:16 AM
Quote from: Invisible on December 22, 2009, 07:49:59 AM
I try to tell my GD how much her Daddy and I love her. Even if he is not here he still loves her. MY DIL speaks badly about her dad and of course me. I think DIL wants to be the center of her daughter's world. She wants all of her daughter's love. DIL is very controlling, domineering....she is a bully. It is a very sick situation.  I am afraid my GD will be swayed by her mother's views. GD repeats all her mother's negative comments.

Invisible...you said in one of your posts, that your DIL would not give up her child easily...yanno, she may not have a choice...I was watching a program this morning...and they said, when the mother is no longer available to the child, the grandparents if they're able, are granted custody....so don't give up hope....

Hugs Creme
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: cremebrulee on December 28, 2009, 04:54:22 AM
Just know you and your GD are in my thoughts and prayers...please keep us posted....
love ya
Creme
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: Invisible on January 04, 2010, 04:44:20 PM
I had my GD over the weekend. Twice she cowered in fear when I moved quickly. I told her I just moving my arm. Once I was getting the remote for the television. She thought I was going to hit her. She is reacting like an abused child. Yes, I know she is abused but knowing it and seeing how it is affecting her is heart breaking.
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 04, 2010, 04:53:27 PM
I can't tell you how much that hurts me for her!  No child should have to endure this.  Your love for her is most likely all she has!!  I wish something could be done, Invisible~! 
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: RedRose on January 04, 2010, 06:59:09 PM
Try to have your Grandaughter with you as much as possible and away from her mother. This is so heartbreaking.
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: Invisible on January 05, 2010, 05:52:11 PM
2 Chickiebaby,
I was keeping a photo journal of our visits. Now I have started written documentation. If presented with the opportunity I will show the courts proof of an established relationship. For good reason, child protective services try to keep mother and child together. This situation is not good but at least my GD knows she is wanted. I remind her over and over again.

Redrose,
That is the plan.
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 05, 2010, 05:59:55 PM
You are her hope.  God bless you! :)
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: cocobars on January 08, 2010, 01:50:18 PM
I think that's a wonderful plan too!  She needs to know you love her and WANT her!  This has to be heartwrenching for you, but especially her.  You lost your son, but she has lost her whole world.  Dad is gone, and mom has turned into this totally uncaring and unloving person.  You are all she has in this world invisible, and I'm happy you remind her of how much you love her and care about her!  You are doing something for her heart that can't be measured, ever! 
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 08, 2010, 02:05:14 PM
You are so right, Coco...I know what a Grandmother's love can do. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't had mine.  This is extremely hard for Invisible and on her Gdaughter.  I know she will be a cherished angel to her.  God bless her!
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: Invisible on January 09, 2010, 06:46:03 PM
Cocobars,
The The last few times my GD has been over she starts fussing about not wanting to go home. I think in time this behavior will continue to escalate. I joke with her an tell her she can hide in the closet or under the bed. But she breaks into a big smile.

In her own way my DIL loves her daughter. However, my DIL is a "party girl" who is very interested in "celebrating her life." That is a quote.  However, evidence supports the theory my DIL lacks certain skills that most mothers find to be innate. My DIL believes her daughter needs to "tough it out." She does not have the instinct to care for and protect. Perhaps it is a mother daughter bonding issue. My GD was always with her Dad.

Most mothers will go to the end of the world to protect their children from harm. I never knew what love was until I looked in to my son's eyes.

Quote from: cocobars on January 08, 2010, 01:50:18 PM
I think that's a wonderful plan too!  She needs to know you love her and WANT her!  This has to be heartwrenching for you, but especially her.  You lost your son, but she has lost her whole world.  Dad is gone, and mom has turned into this totally uncaring and unloving person.  You are all she has in this world invisible, and I'm happy you remind her of how much you love her and care about her!  You are doing something for her heart that can't be measured, ever!
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 09, 2010, 06:53:18 PM
Dear Invisible,
I know this is addressed to others but I was just wondering if there is any way the DIL would let you have your Granddaughter?  I mean she's celebrating her life, like she said and obviously, the Daughter is getting in her way.

Do you think she would ever consider it?  Or, is she just hanging on for some kind of control?  Oh, this is so sad!
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: Invisible on January 09, 2010, 07:41:28 PM
2chickiebaby,

You are very insightful. Yes, I have asked my DIL to raise my GD. Even my DIL's mother tried to talk her daughter on my behalf to allow me to raise my granddaughter. Yes, my DIL is celebrating her life and her daughter is in her way. Her motive is control and MONEY.

In time something will happen, perhaps my GD will become very independent/rebellious and my DIL will lose her control. I worry not only about my GD's immediate future but the long term emotional damage and how it will manefest in dysfunctional behaviors.  The relationship between DIL and GD will erode and/or the courts will intervene.

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 09, 2010, 06:53:18 PM
Dear Invisible,
I know this is addressed to others but I was just wondering if there is any way the DIL would let you have your Granddaughter?  I mean she's celebrating her life, like she said and obviously, the Daughter is getting in her way.

Do you think she would ever consider it?  Or, is she just hanging on for some kind of control?  Oh, this is so sad!
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 09, 2010, 08:02:39 PM
I hope the courts intervene soon!!  I am praying for you!  You are such an angel to that child! 
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: cremebrulee on January 10, 2010, 04:11:00 AM
when this was happening to my son, he was 5 when it started, I went to an attorney...it was his step mother doing the abusing...and it all worked out...but, I will tell you, it was 2 years of hell, worry, fear, and anxiety, wondering the same things as you are...I was furious...furious...and to this day, his stp mother has had one terrible influence over him....he married someone just like her...but, it was my fault...I allowed him to go live full time with his father...when he was 15...he was much much taller then her, plus, he wanted to see what it would be like living with his father, and I couldn't at the time, think...I was so upset, but knowing what I know now, I would have only allowed him to spend summers there, and had him come home for the school year, until he graduated...he spent years, his most formative years...watching his father take so much in verbal putdowns from his step mother....she is very inscure and is high maintenance in the attention department....very  controlling...therefore, he married a woman just like her....so, yes, it certainly did have an impact in his case...he now deems that behavior normal...and it's my fault....I didn't think ahead, or consider what verybal abuse can do...she never hit him again...but, the verbal abuse can be just as bad, not to mention, watching his father put up with it...and deeming it as he should be.

I'm telling you this b/c yes, it can have an impact, if the child is around the woman to long....but she's young enough, that if you get full custody, she will parrot who you are, and realize, her mother was a dysfunctional mother....
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 10, 2010, 06:23:00 AM
Dear Creme,
Do the sons go for women who are like their Moms (or the women in their formative years?)

I would be so devastated if I thought I was like your sons stepmother.  I have heard that they do go for women like their Mothers because that's what feels comfortable to them. 

I know I was not abusive in any manner but what if I was in some way and I didn't  know it??  OH!!!!
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: cocobars on January 10, 2010, 06:24:40 AM
HA!  Chickie you are so funny! 
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: Invisible on January 10, 2010, 09:22:53 AM
Cremebrulee,

I read somewhere..verbal abuse leaves more of a negative impact than physical. We all remember hurtful words.
My DIL uses vulgarity to describe my GD. She calls her vulgar names to her face. My DIL thinks its funny. I told the investigator for children and family services. OH well.... not important to the state. They are looking for concrete physical abuse...

My GD tells me my mommy called me......"     " and I tell her just because your mother uses bad words doesn't mean it is right. I tell her she is beautiful and smart. Additionally, I tell her bad words are called bad words because they have bad meanings. The words mean the same if they are said by a child or an adult. I tell her if you want a lot of friends don't say mean things. She seems to accept my intolerance for vulgarity.

Quote from: cremebrulee on January 10, 2010, 04:11:00 AM
when this was happening to my son, he was 5 when it started, I went to an attorney...it was his step mother doing the abusing...and it all worked out...but, I will tell you, it was 2 years of hell, worry, fear, and anxiety, wondering the same things as you are...I was furious...furious...and to this day, his stp mother has had one terrible influence over him....he married someone just like her...but, it was my fault...I allowed him to go live full time with his father...when he was 15...he was much much taller then her, plus, he wanted to see what it would be like living with his father, and I couldn't at the time, think...I was so upset, but knowing what I know now, I would have only allowed him to spend summers there, and had him come home for the school year, until he graduated...he spent years, his most formative years...watching his father take so much in verbal putdowns from his step mother....she is very inscure and is high maintenance in the attention department....very  controlling...therefore, he married a woman just like her....so, yes, it certainly did have an impact in his case...he now deems that behavior normal...and it's my fault....I didn't think ahead, or consider what verybal abuse can do...she never hit him again...but, the verbal abuse can be just as bad, not to mention, watching his father put up with it...and deeming it as he should be.

I'm telling you this b/c yes, it can have an impact, if the child is around the woman to long....but she's young enough, that if you get full custody, she will parrot who you are, and realize, her mother was a dysfunctional mother....
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: cocobars on January 10, 2010, 09:58:41 AM
I can't imagine what that must make your GD feel like.  That can crush her self esteem permanently, thinking that her own mother (who is your whole world, and your God at a young age) is referring to her with bad language.  Invisible, you hang in there for her and keep telling her how special and loved she is. 

I'm so sorry you are both going through this!
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: Invisible on January 10, 2010, 01:25:18 PM
Cocobars,
Short term I think kids are resilient. My GD loves her mother so much. I don't know how much of the abuse has affected her. OK, I saw her flinch and cower in fear when I moved quickly. I know she fears her mother. But I don't know how it has affected her self esteem. I know she is very unsure of herself. I taught her how to roller skate and to ride a bike without training wheels. It took a long time to build her confidence.  But she was so proud of herself when she did it. She proved to herself she can do things. She has a lot of behavioral issues and anger management issues. I will NOT give up on her.

Quote from: cocobars on January 10, 2010, 09:58:41 AM
I can't imagine what that must make your GD feel like.  That can crush her self esteem permanently, thinking that her own mother (who is your whole world, and your God at a young age) is referring to her with bad language.  Invisible, you hang in there for her and keep telling her how special and loved she is. 

I'm so sorry you are both going through this!
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: Invisible on January 11, 2010, 01:16:56 PM
Anna,
I remember when my GD would cry, " I want to go home." Now, she cries she doesn't want to go home. When I drop her off ....her entire demeanor changes. In the car she becomes quiet out side her home in front of her mother she stands quiet, tense, and ridged. It is not the behavior of a relaxed child. I expect things to slowly deteriorate. We shall see.

If I were you...just keep your eyes wide open. I hope your grand child is not being abused.

Quote from: Anna on January 11, 2010, 10:06:44 AM
You know my grandson did that a couple of times too, flinched when I moved to quick, & one time even cried.  I scooped him up, hugged him & asked what was wrong.  He changed the subject & said he was OK.  That hasn't happened for a lo mg time now, but it makes me wonder.
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: Invisible on January 19, 2010, 06:57:36 PM
It is so difficult to see my GD cry. I picked her up Saturday morning and returned her Tuesday night. My GD cried when it was time to go home. I suspect she will continue to have emotional issues. It just rips my heart out because there is nothing I can do. I know she loves her mom but my GD craves attention. Her mom won't even read her a bed time story. When ever I pick her up her hair is not combed nor her teeth brushed.  Yes, I know these things are not considered to be abuse by children services but to me it is neglect.
Title: Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 19, 2010, 07:01:02 PM
Oh!! I am so sorry, Invisible!  I know how hard this has to be for you.  I wish I could make things better for her and for you.  With you there for her, she has her angel... ;)