You all have not heard from me in a while, I actully thought things were getting better until last night and today. But I have to admit I lost it and have adivsed my S and DIL to get out. I absolutely will not take another nasty insulting message. I need your guidance and your unbiased thoughts. Knowing there are two sides to a story, but honestly I am trying. This just has to stop. I am not perfect, and I am sure I am to blame for some of it, but I can say I am doing more than most people would. I feel bad for my son he is in the middle, but he made his choice and I respect that. I don't yell at her, I don't raise my voice, (well except for today) I don't scream and shout, I buy, buy, buy trying to help, but it is just never enough.
Guys I need your support now more than ever, I am scared as to what she might do. When she gets mad she looses it and throws things (twice at me) and one my son had to step between us. I absolutely cannot take this anylonger. Maybe it is the pain, but her anger was there long before the pain was.
I lost it folks, and I told her don't you ever threaten me in my own home, told the S find somewhere else to live and get out.
So much for getting up at 3am to make Easter Egg baskets, or buying food, or formula. I took us out yesterday (it was take) so that no one had to cook. I also bought new new bed sets, and rugs for them as they needed them. You know what I think I am being taken advantage of. And that is not just the DIL it is the S as well.
I pretty much lost it folks, I texted back message that told her I am willing to work with you, but you will not treat me this way or threaten me this way in my own home I don't care if you hurt or not. If you don't like it here leave. I left the door open to talk but if not then find another place. And regardless of all this my S should not let anyone disrespect me in my own home. But the purse is closed, from now own buy your own food, cook it yourself, and screw the rest. I am DONE!
I have been way to nice, let them take advantage and it has to stop now. I want them out, regardless.
I will loose my job if this keeps up or worse yet I will have a heart attack. And so much for my being upset, they are down stair laughing and all, so apparently I don't matter at all. How stupid can I be?
Am I wrong for thinking that my son should be sticking up for me considering he is living here?
LS - I removed the quoted messages. Reprinting them may be an invasion of privacy. My take is that "shoulds" have no reality. They are about your expectations and no one has to meet them. They are yours. Your DS and DIL are how they are. They have that choice, as adults, and will learn from the consequences of their actions...or not. What you do about that is about your own self respect and well being. Sending love...
LS, your expectations that your DS should stick up for you are just that, your expectations. Don't we all like to think that someone that loves us will not allow someone else to treat us badly? Absolutely, that's a reasonable expectation. The reality is that he is sticking by his wife. That's a choice he has made and one he is entitled to make. The good side is that you get to make choices for yourself and like Luise said, now you have to decide what's best for you.
It is still great to be able to come here and unload and receive advice.
Anyway, you are absolutely right, he has made his choice and it is his right, as well as the results of that choice. I have alwasy told him his family comes first. Not saying that both sides do not have some valid points.
But I also do not think it is unreasonable for me to require that I be treated respectfully in my own home. What I need to do is break the cycle, I keep giving which is only enforcing the bad behavior. So no more giving, no more nothing.
So bottom line is they can live here, but only until you find something else. And if I don't see them again it is sad but life weill go on. I just don't want the tension any longer, I would like to enjoy what I have left of life.
Good for you! I would add boundaries. For instance..."if you want to continue to live here until you find a place you will need comply with the following requirements...(conduct and respect, as you define it) and your time limit is as follows..." To make it work, it will need structure and enforcement.
Thank you Luise. What would I do without you all?????? Keep the suggestions and advice coming. Odd we can tell other people what to do but doing it ourselves is really hard.
Do you think it a good idea to do an email letter, as I can never get my S to sit an talk he gets very defensive, as he thinks it is an attack.
I thought I would give it a few days and then hit him with the ground rules and the fact that I made up my mind to sell and move out. I have already been told that he expects the house, actually given to him, and what am I supposed to do for financial support. Right now becuase I was stupid and tired to help them I have huge debts, I can barely make it payday to payday. I am starting to say no, and that is not going over well, but I little by little I am able to say NO. Any yet at work no one would ever push me this way, I am considered a tough cookie. Sigh, why not in this case.
S says he is looking, I told him he needed to as this was not going to work anylonger. I know he is in over his head, and he and I have always been close, in fact it is my fault that he relies on me so much as I have always been here to bail him out. Again hind site.
The DIL had a horrible childhood, has never had any sucurity in her life, a mother who went from relationsnip to relationship, she said to me one day that leaving things behind is no big deal she has had to give up everything that was important anyway. I wonder if inside it hurts her to see how close S and I were. Maybe she feels as if she is in compitition.
How sad is that, but it does not excuse bad behavior.
LS,
my suggestions are:
A. Stop worrying about everyone else's problems, the DIL's childhood, your son's choices
B. Document everything, don't do anything verbally, think about proving each and every piece of info to a third party like a lawyer down the line if necessary. I would send an email but tell him in advance that it was coming.
C. You are a tough cookie at work, but your son has known you a long time and knows where your vulnerabilities lie.
D. Of course it's not unreasonable for you to want to be treated respectfully in your own home, or to have the peace and quiet of an empty house.
E. You are assuming that your buying is helping, but that might not be the answer, if you have any expectations because you are trying to help but it isn't working out, it's time to change the recipe
F. If you are feeing taken advantage of, then you could put the credit card away, if they need things, they won't be motivated to act like two adults who can stand on their own two feet.
G. I would talk to the local police force, make a report. If she has thrown things at you and you are afraid of her, get that on record and have the police come to "talk" to her and let her know that isn't acceptable.
H. Set timelines for them and for you so they can leave. You son can "look" but some people "look" for a long time and never find anything.
I. Don't spend any time worrying about anyone else's problems, responsibilities, bills or bad behaviour because of a crummy childhood (half the world had a bad childhood but doesn't use that as an excuse for throwing things).
J. Get your 30-60-90 day goals ready. Stick to them. Decide where you want your life to be a year from now and exactly what you will have to do to get there.
Good luck, and don't forget to watch Judge Judy for some inspiration.
KG
I'm sorry, but if they are living in my house, eating my food, using my electricity, my water, etc., they or he would talk to me even if I had to strap him to a chair. I know you've got friends that could help with that. They have gone way past to even expect common courtesy from you. Change the locks, make them knock on the door to enter. If you're not home, then they have to go elsewhere until you get there. It is definitely time to have a come to Jesus meeting. Call the po po if you need reinforcements, just to get their attention. You are a much woman than I. I would probably be in jail wearing orange, which does nothing for me, in I were in this situation. You do realize that some of this is tongue in cheek, but I hope you will think about implementing some kind of plan here.
Thank you for all the advice and I am actively listening and taking it to heart. Coming here gives me strength, and yes I am afraid of her, as she is totally unpredictable you never know when or what.
But one thing has finally sunk in, it is NOT my problem, it is THEIR problem. These are not kids they are grown adults, and they need to step up.
SOrry if you don't feel well, or if you hurt, but so do I. I am in a wheelchair, I can hardly walk, but I get up everyday an work, take care of myself, look after my mothers interests, cook, clean, etc.
It is so hard, somedays I am absolutely furious I let this go on, other days I am depressed becuase I feel trapped,
BUT know this folks, all your messages are making it better, why because I have somewhere to go to vent, to get advice, and to know I am not alone in this and that others have similiar issues.
LS - We are walking the walk with you. I know there is a saying, "You only have one enemy and she's wearing your shoes"...but I would like to add..."Hey, your best friend forever is wearing your shoes!" Sending love...
Good luck in all of this. From my experience, things like this only work when you follow through and don't back down. However, advice that I have been given is that you always give someone an alternative. If you do end up giving DS and DIL a move out date, perhaps you could also give them a card for a social worker and a shelter. But, remember, it isn't your problem! I wish you the best. xo
Last night I purchased a safe, never thought I would have to do that to protect my self from family, but probably should have had one ages ago. And NO I am not sharing that information, or the keys or the combination, it is no ones business. I will figure out who gets that info and at this time.
And Fangle how right you are I absolutely cannot back down. I have provided the S and DIL with numbers, I have called an gotten them paperwork (which ends up not being filled out), but they have to take some initiative. Ball is in their hands. As it is now the DIL does not speak to me now because I will not take her attitude.
When I review all that I have done, and how I have been treated I think how stupid that I let this go on and did not wake up long before now.
But coming here and knowing I am not the only one out there with this type of situation is a ray of light in what was a very dark corner for me.
Thank you all.
Also look at the little positive things LS. Since DIL is disrepectful and has attitude, look at it as a blessing that she's NOT speaking to you! :)
Good for you! When the date comes for them to move, it will be up to them to have filled in their paperwork or looked for houses. If not, they are the ones who will have to explain to each other, DILs family and their children why they have to stay in a shelter due to laziness. You have provided the information. You have provided the date. There are resources available to them. They have other family, also. Your DIL chooses not to speak to you to the detriment of her family, so be it. You will have done what you can and IMO, people need to be independent at some point in their lives! It is unfortunate that your DIL cannot seem to separate the ideas of independance and ignorance. I'm still here cheering you on! xo
LS - Just a thought: Where I live (retirement center), we had a safe in our little Thrift Store and someone broke in and took the whole thing. You may want to get a Safe Deposit Box in a bank to keep that from happening. Situations can happen like a vacation or a night in the hospital ER when you aren't home. Sending love...
Your son is an adult now and in the long run it's going to be better for him to know that he can't depend on you to take care of him and his family. It's a tough thing to do, but it really will be better for him and his family too. I was concerned about my son's failure to launch for awhlle too and he is much happier now that he isn't depending on us. It's too bad they treated you so badly, but now you can take care of you and they can take care of them. It's no longer your job.
That's good thinkin' 99! (Luise) hehehe... If it were me, I would use a bank also. xo
I'd go with a bank too, you would have more privacy there when putting things in our out.
KG
Goodness,...so much good advice here. I really liked the list Keys wrote!
It's funny, how actually we do know how to react,...but we often don't. It's like we are stuck in bad situations. I wonder why that is?
I think our inner strengths have to be shaken up and found again. You have to learn, LadyStar, to push those shoulders back, lift your chin, and be above it all. Don't allow them to pull you down to their level. No one has a right to do that.
Here is a quote I once saved:QuoteIs life an obstacle course? Sometimes it may feel like it. If you join the military you will be sent around an obstacle course of increasing degrees of difficulty. Why? To increase your strength and stamina and expand your creative capacity under strain. So it is on the course called 'life' - you can choose to perceive people, situations or events as obstacles, or you can choose to use these things to strengthen and expand your capacity to be creative and to find ways round, under, over. The choice lies in your perception. Obstacles are never ever 'out there', they are always in our own minds.
Well Safe is on the way but interesting my identity has been stolen. I found it by accident or rather a blessing. April 1st someone who knew my password into the PayPal account (and I don't ever share that and my computer is behind a firewall) some how got into to and ordered a 900 phone. They changed the address to send shipment to my name, my home address, and then added their address, city and state. The company they ordered from did not like the address and could not verify it so they cancelled the order.
I caught it in time, closed out accounts, etc. But what a mess, now I will need to address SS# etc. Believe me lesson learned about trusting anyone, and that includes family. Paper work will now be locked up going forward. Computers I keep a tight control on.
It seems a bit odd to me, all of a sudden, and yes I am probably jumping to conclusions. Police are investigating.
On a happier note, holding to my guns, S advised that I am going to sell house so they need to get ready to move out. DIL still not speaking and GC are not coming up, which have it your way. Karma does visit people.
FreeSpirit, I think it's because we let our emotions overrule our logic, many, many times. I always know what I should do or say, but in the heat of the moment....sometimes that goes to grass. :)
Amen Pooh, couldn't have said it better. Oh yes, ... "The heat of the moment"...grrrrr....That's when I sometimes need an ice bucket of water thrown over me. Hahaha... Naw, I have become quieter...I think because I'm older, and it's just too strenuous to get all riled up. 8)