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You mean there are people who change their draperies with the seasons?  I don't think I've ever known anyone who did? 
The worst thing my MIL said to me was this:  "Do you still know how to read, or do you just listen to books on tape?"  and then she actually said "oops"  This came about because my MIL was always passing on these stupid novels to me (not my husband) and I rarely read any of them.  I do read but not as much as my husband or MIL.  My husband probably reads 3 books a week.  MIL was a teacher and reading was very important to her.  At the time that she made that comment I was working and still raising kids and had very little time to read.  I had to travel to a nearby town about an hour away regularly so I started listening to books on tape while I drove.  MIL was always asking me what I was reading (even though often it wasn't anything) and I would feel like the bad pupil because I hadn't read any of the books she gave me.  I just stood there with my mouth open when she said that though.  I think it might be the meanest thing anyone ever said to me.  ( I know I am not very thick-skinned)
I did confront her about that comment later along with talking to her about the passing on books to me and quizzing me about my reading habits.  She laughed and said "Did I say that?"  She never apologized or even admitted to saying it.  That was probably about 15 years ago and I did talk to both of my inlaws about all of the issues I was having at the time.  I was proud that I was able to assert myself at that time with them without losing my temper and they appeared to listen and didn't get mad.  However nothing seemed to sink in... no acknowledgement or understanding or apology... just oh we love you, we never meant anything by it. 
We went on for another 15 years before I tried to address the same issues again and I regret that I even tried because this last time they were completely defensive and turned everything I said back on me and then I completely lost it with them.  All it did was hurt their feelings and cause me to behave in a way I'm not proud of.  I wish I would have realized it was them and not me years ago and learned to just ignore them while protecting myself and saying a firm no to anything I didn't want to say yes to.  But at this point since I have no obligation to my grown children or my husband to have a relationship with them, I don't see the point of traveling across country to have that kind of relationship. 
It sounds like your MIL was more blatant.  Mine tried very hard to be nice, but she blurted out these very insulting things at times and then other times she would gush with compliments.  I think she tried very hard to say nice things to me, but it never seemed heartfelt to me.  So it was hard to recognize that it was her and not me and hard to confront someone who was trying to be so nice.  But her true feelings came out in subtle little sugar-coated ways that to tell you the truth I still haven't figured out.  She is very confusing to me.  She can be kind and other people in the family like her.  I didn't take my FIL as personally even though he was worse than MIL in many ways but it was easy to see his behavior for what it was.

Thanks for understanding Pooh,  Your MIL sounds like a doozie!  And you even spoke up directly and she continued to ignore you! Wow!  It did seem like much of the time I spent with my husband's family, it would become a battle of wills and the strongest will (theirs) would win.  I know I was a big part of the problem too, but they just wanted what they wanted more than other people.    repeatedly took the path of least resistance and caused my own suffering in that way.  I I feel like they wanted to have my family and they didn't like the way I was doing it.  That might not have been how they felt but that's how it seemed to me.  It's clear that they loved my husband and our kids and they felt it so that's why all of them love my inlaws.  I feel bad for my husband because he is caught in the middle.  I trying hard just to bow out and not put him in the middle but he still feels that way understandably.  I feel like he does have some responsibility in this too though because he knew how I felt for many years and he didn't speak up to his parents either. 
It sounds like you are doing great as a MIL.  I am also happy to offer help and step aside for my kids and their families because of my experience with my inlaws and I agree that's how it should be.  And my daughter and DIL also like to do their own thing and don't want someone else taking over.  If I offer something and they say no, I take them at their word that they want to do it themselves and I don't feel insulted by it.  In fact, I kind of like it. 

Reading about the MIL/DIL dance and who should lead brought about an emotional response in my.  I agree with some of the responses that in a relationship with 2 adults no one has to lead and that in itself could lead to problems.  However when it comes to the nuclear family,  the husband, wife and children, in my opinion, the husband and wife together are in the lead when it comes to the family and the inlaws need to respect that.  I wish I had realized this in my own situation.
My inlaws and I engaged in a very ugly dance.  We got into power struggles and competitions over things that in my opinion should have been ours to decide and not theirs. 
One example about a power struggle where FIL and I behaved very childish.  They came over for Easter celebration.  I had agreed to let FIL make a dish he serves over toast because my kids love it.  He made it for one of first Easters and it became a tradition because my kids then asked for it every year.  (I never liked it much, but  I love my kids) for this particular occasion, I had purchased several types of special bakery bread for the toast.  FIL brought a loaf of plain white sandwich bread and insisted on serving it instead of the breads I purchased.  I said I was happy to serve his white bread in addition to what I bought, but he wouldn't budge.  I literally pushed him out of the way to put some of my bread in the toaster.  This was my home and our gathering and I resented being told what kind of bread to serve.  I would never do that at someone else's party and never told them what to serve at their home. 
An example of the competing:  When husband had sinus surgery in his 40s.  It was outpatient and not life-threatening.  He told them I was there and they didn't need to come down to the hospital.  They came anyway and were sitting in the waiting room with me when the Dr. came out to tell us the surgery was done and went well.  The doctor addressed me and then my FIL spoke up and said we are his parents and made sure they were addressed as well.  When we were allowed to go into the recovery room, MIL was so busy doting on my husband, that there was nothing for me to do but stand there.  My husband finally became pretty irritated with her and fortunately said NO when they wanted to follow us home.
I realize now that I didn't have to take all of this personally.  My MIL's behavior was more about her wanting to nurture her son, not about thinking I wouldn't do it well enough.  My FIL's behavior was about him wanting to be in control.  I let my ego get the best of me with them.   I should have respected myself and my feelings and not worried about saying no to them or whether they liked it or not. I am not a controlling person generally, but when it came to my home, my gatherings, raising the kids etc.  I had the right not to be in the lead, and not my inlaws.  I never wanted to control them, but when it comes to my own home, I had the right to be in control.  I wish I would have realized that from the beginning.

EJGrandma,
If my inlaws had listened to me the first time I sat down and spoke with them about the problems I was having and changed their behavior, things would be different.  They basically told me I shouldn't feel that way and went on doing things the same.  I confronted them again a couple years ago and they acted like they had never heard any of it before and basically said it sounded   like I was the one with the problem. NOW since I have withdrawn from the relationship with them, they want to try to fix it, but I feel like it's too late.  I don't have good feelings toward them at all and I don't really trust them

Dear EJGrandma,  I understand you were trying to help,  but now that you know how she feels and if you want to make things better, respect how she feels and don't clean her house or speak to your son in a language she doesn't understand when she is around. 

I tend to think people suffer the consequences of their own actions.  In my case I suffered the consequences of not speaking up for myself enough.  I am not inherently assertive.  However on those rare occasions when I did speak up about things that upset me about my inlaws, it was met with things like " you shouldn't feel that way" or "we don't mean it that way."  So then I would think I was wrong to feel the way I did so I would shut down again and things would continue on as they were.  However, just because I didn't get the response I wanted doesn't mean I was wrong to feel the way I felt and to respect my own needs. If I had had enough respect for myself, I would have taken better care of myself and established clear boundaries in my own home.  They might not have liked me as much, but I would have felt better towards them. What was wrong is the way I dealt with those feelings (or didn't deal) and I suffered the consequences of that for our entire 30 year relationship.  My inlaws are experiencing the consequences of not listening to me and not supporting or respecting me when I did speak up now because apparently they still want to have a relationship with me and I don't want to right now.  I simply don't want to be with them. However they still have a relationship with my husband and adult children, so they have never had to have the consequence of not having them in their lives.  But they have always treated my husband and kids great.
I don't know if I will have trouble with my DIL in the future and if that will be my Karma, but so far things seem good.  I think knowing how I felt when my inlaws took over or expected me to adapt to their family has helped.  I have a clear understanding that my son and his partner are in charge of their home and family and I am only extended family who is allowed to be part of it.  I don't think I am as intrusive as my inlaws, but maybe I am doing something else that might cause my DIL to hate me. 

Perhaps your DIL never liked you cleaning her house or not speaking English when you were around and never said anything and now that the grandkids are old enough to stay alone, she feels like she can speak up or ask your son to speak up for her.  It's not fair to say nothing and then complain 15 years later, but I understand it because I did much the same with my inlaws.  They did many intrusive things over the years that I didn't like and I complained to my husband but never to them.  I have trouble with assertiveness and confrontation and avoided dealing with the issues with them for so many years.  When I finally spoke up, I had so much anger inside that I didn't my approach was not good and it did not go well at all and my feelings were never heard.  It's ok for a DIL not to want you to clean their house. I wouldn't like that either.  It's ok for them not to need you to stay with the kids too.  Can you call and visit with the kids or set up times to take them places?  Would that be allowed?   Perhaps they no longer need you for child care but can you still spend time with them as a family or spend and hour or two with the kids occasionally?   Perhaps you could take them to dinner or a movie on occasion. 

I agree that taking legal action or taking the child to the doctor to confirm sexual abuse and contacting law enforcement is necessary.  Here, often people contact the Dept. of Social Services to report possible abuse and they investigate to see if the allegations are founded.  But if you take her to the doctor and the doctor believes there has been abuse he will be obligated to report it too.  I would report it either way, even if the doctor isn't able to confirm abuse, based on what she has told you.  And I agree that if it has been happening the child needs therapy right away and needs to be protected. 

This is interesting article on inlaw relationships

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/domestic-intelligence/200908/in-law-conflict-and-troubled-marriages

My kids have good-heartedly told me that their kids sometimes suffer from a "Grandma hangover" after spending time with me or their other grandma.  When the kids are with their Grandmas they tend to get more undivided attention and we tend to go do the fun stuff with them and spoil them.  Then when they are back with their parents for the day to day stuff and the  world isn't revolving around them, they can be more difficult for their parents.  Us Grandmas love the kids so much and since we don't have them for the day to day stuff, it's natural for us to spoil them a bit when we are with them... and I don't think there is much harm in that.  I do know that if I had the kids full-time they would be absolutely rotten and I know their parents do a better job raising them than I ever would. 
And like freespirit said there could be some jealousy too.  My Mom helped me a lot with my oldest, because I was young and a single parent and she did spoil her.  I remember when I wouldn't allow my daughter to do something she wanted to do, or buy her something she wanted, she would say things like "Grandma lets me do that or "Grandma buys that for me" or even "I like Grandma better than you" and it really hurt.  I know my Mom meant well was good to my daughter and they had a special relationship and I never would have wanted to change that, but it did sometimes make things hard for me
I wonder what your daughter meant when she said her grandchildren were talking about you in a negative way.  If it were me, I would want to know so that I could figure out what was going wrong and change it   

Thanks all for your feedback.  I don't want to have a relationship with them any more and feeling that way, I suppose it is best to stay away.  But why do I feel so guilty and wrong about it if it's the right thing to do?

Thank you Herbalescapes.  I agree with you.  My MIL has called me fat in a roundabout way.  Her insults are often veiled in niceness.  Example:  MIL says I have this beautiful outfit I wore to my reunion and I would love for you to borrow it for your upcoming occasion.  Me:" Thank you but  it probably wouldn't fit me right.  MIL: "It has a big ole elastic waist, it'll fit."  I am only 5-10 lbs overweight and while I realize I'm not my ideal weight I don't consider myself fat and neither does my doctor.  My MIL is tall and thin and I am short but only slightly overweight and I found this very insulting.  This is only one example.  I should have asked her what she meant by that comment.    She would deny that she was insinuating that I'm fat and because she never comes right out and says what she means, it's always deniable.  When she says "oh no and argues when I express my opinion that's different than hers, she gives the message loud and clear that she doesn't respect my opinions.  But if you tell her it seems like she thinks her opinions are more valuable than mine she will deny it. 
And the sad thing is that is that I really don't think she is aware of her own behavior.  I don't think there is any changing the relationship other than me learning to not take her insults personally.  But using the analogy of being punched in the nose, it's often not personal when someone punches you in the nose.  It's probably more about their issues than yours, but I still don't want to stick around for it. 
It's hard to determine in a situation where there is conflict who is most at fault and I don't think there is any point in it.   Maybe I'm too sensitive and maybe she's too critical and probably a bit of both.  But it sure doesn't help when you object to the criticism and someone tells you  that you are being too sensitive and also denies that they were critical.  The point is after someone tells you that something is hurtful to them, if you care about them and if it's not a big sacrifice to you, why wouldn't you at least try to stop. 

Thank you all for your input.  In my MIL's case, I don't really think it is just her giving an opinion.  It's not just saying I like your hair better this way that is so insulting.  It's that she argues when I say my opinion is not the same as hers.  EVERY TIME no matter what it is, my opinion just isn't right if it's not the same as hers.  She examines me physically and comments out loud both good and bad.  It's not just giving an opinion it's scrutiny and criticism and I find it intolerable.  If one's opinion about another person specifically is critical, perhaps it's not the best thing to freely share them.   I probably am hypersensitive to my MIL, but I finally gave my opinion about her and her behavior and she didn't like it either and I realize it wasn't the best way to handle it. 
To me constantly being criticized feels like constantly being hit in the nose and why isn't ok to say I'm tired of being hit in the nose.
Pooh I understand what you are saying and I do believe if my self esteem and opinions of myself had been stronger what she does wouldn't have been so difficult for me. 

I realize that my approach has not been good and I should have addressed things differently.  But how do you tell someone you feel angry without telling them why.  And how do you tell them why without telling them what they are doing that you are angry about.  I agree that it's not fair to ask someone to change just so that they can get along with me.  I feel like I have been trying to adjust to them and their family culture my entire marriage, but I never was able to.  Funny thing about me is that I don't like being insulted and being told in a round about way that my opinions aren't as good as hers and my feelings aren't important.  That's not tolerable to me.    So if I were to be around her and she says something like "your hair is darker now.  I liked it lighter."  There is nothing wrong with giving her opinion in that way.  But I respond to her by saying " I like it this way."  She can't respect that I have my own opinion about my own appearance and she will say "Oh no.  It looks much better lighter.  This might seem like a small thing to many, but years of this on everything.   Picking me apart and commenting on it and arguing if I disagree. 
How does one adjust to that?  And wouldn't it have been right to point that out to her?  "when you say Oh no after I've expressed my opinion, you give the message that my opinion is less valuable than yours"   If she hadn't been my husband's mother I would have ended the relationship 30 years ago.
My MIL is interested in me, but I am not sure the reason or the motive and don't feel confident she will ever consider my feelings when we are together.    I agree that we are all who we are and none of us are perfect, but we don't have to put up with things from people.  Here is an example:  When my husband and I were first married he had a habit of going out and having a few beers after work and driving home.  I could have just thought "that's how he is" and adjusted to it, but it was something that I wouldn't tolerate and let him now.  He could have continued being how he was, but chose to consider my feelings,stop because I couldn't tolerate it.  He could have responded like his parents and said "what I am doing is not a problem and if you have a problem with it you can adjust. "  I think he knew he might lose me if he said that and that could have happened.  I didn't ask him and don't feel like I have asked my inlaws to change their personalities.  I was just asking for a little consideration of my feelings.... stop insulting me and telling me my opinion doesn't matter. 
So if my MIL calls or writes, I don't know how to respond.  "You are how you are and I am how I am and it's not a good mix.   It's painful for me and I'm not willing to put myself in that situation right no.  After so many years of pain, I just can't move forward.  And I completely gave up my own power when I was around them.
By the way after our big blow-up I did apologize and owned up to the fact that I should have addressed things as they came up and approached things differently.  I know I am at least half of the problem, but she didn't acknowledge her part of it

My husband came home last night and said his parents had called him and said they were concerned about "the situation" with me and wondered what could be done to fix it.  He says he just said he didn't know what to do to fix it.  They asked if he thought they should try to contact me and he said "I can't tell you what to do.  Just do what your heart tells you to do. 

A little background:  My relationship with inlaws has been difficult during the nearly 30 years of knowing them.  I was passive and didn't address things and neither did my husband until the anger and resentment built to the point that I could no longer go forward with them.  I did try to address the problems one time about 10-15 years ago by sitting down and telling them the things what were bothering me  but my words had absolutely no impact on them or their behavior but I didn't continue to confront. I tried confronting them again about two years ago with a letter and it was not well received.  They were hurt and angry and blamed the problem entirely on me and never owned up to any of the things I complained about.  After that they moved and I have dropped the ball.  I have made  no effort to call, write or visit and my husband has visited alone.  Apparently during the visits he has made, they talked much about the problem with me and it sounds like he backed me up.  Some time about a year ago they sent a letter apologizing for causing me pain and my MIL said she was working on a couple of the things I complained about in her interactions with others.   I thought there might be some hope until I asked her why she didn't respond like that the first time we talked and that was what hurt me the most  She said she was trained as a teacher that when people said she was wrong to just let it "go floating by"  Then I was mad all over again.  It just reaffirmed what I had always felt from her but never could quite nail down.  She cares very little about how I feel and she still doesn't own up to anything. She asked at that time if we could just move forward.  I told her I wasn't ready and when I was I would let her know.  I had just about concluded that it was best for me to just stay away and now they want to fix the situation.  I just wish I knew what their motives are and if the relationship has a chance of being any better. I have so little confidence in my ability to stand up to them without getting angry and even less confidence that they will behave much differently. I just don't want to set myself up for more pain.  I feel nervous and upset that they might try to contact me and I don't know what to do.   Do I ignore calls... answer the phone?  Maybe just hear what they have to say and not say anything?