Sorry I was MIA. One of my furbabies is ill and I didn't even get on the computer yesterday. I just re-read the responses I got prior to going to visit. It just really amazes and saddens me that so many of us can relate to these issues.
I also re-read my post and I saw that I wrote we did mention the money. Acutally, we didn't mention the money. We could have countered her "you didn't say hello" with a "you didn't even utter a word of thanks for paying your rent", but we didn't. I purposely didn't for two reasons. #1 I didn't want to throw it up in DS's face that we gave him money. I don't like when people do something for you and then constantly tell you about it. I think saying something would have discouraged DS from every asking for help again. #2, everyone present already knew, even FDIL. I think it made us seem more mature and resonable.
Doe, I'm glad I went. You wrote be polite and respectful, and perhaps we weren't respectful by not saying hello. Although if I had known she would use that as an excuse to blow up, I would have said something. It sounds like we entered rudely, but it really did not go that way. She just wanted a reason and I'm actually glad it turned out that way because we all talked later.
Pam1, my FDIL scares me too. She also scares my mother. My mom actually thinks she's dangerous. You've no idea how much I don't want to be around her. But the funniest thing is that she kept saying that we were never going to be close, never going to be friends. I have no idea why she seems to think I'm so desperate to be her friend. I know that when we were on pleasant terms I told her that I always imagined I would be close to my son's wives and that they would become the daughters I never had. At one time I had that hope for her, but it's long gone now. When I told her I didn't want to be her friend, she was shocked! And I don't want to be her friend, but I do want to know my GD. So I will be as respectful and cordial to FDIL as I have to be. It's like taking Buckley's cough syrup. It's awful going down, but the end result is worth it.
Tryingmybest, Spot on!!! What you wrote was exactly what I was thinking, and exactly what happened!
LL- I feel a bit of guilt when I read the post that contain respectful. It was not respectful not to speak to her. Although it wasn't as rude as it sounds, and FDIL didn't need to react as badly as she did. It is true that we should have uttered a greeting. However, I still think she would have found something else to blow up about. I believe that she understood when both hubby and I tried to explain why we didn't go out of our way to say hello. It's not like we walked right past her, or looked in her face and ignored her. We just instantly doted on the baby.
Lillycache, I do believe that DS will be allowed to bring GD over in the future since our talk. FDIL had said she couldn't come because of a picture I had of DS and his prom date from HS. When FDIL moved in for a year I put it away. After the big blow up and when they moved out, I put it back. The picture is beautiful and one of my favorites of DS. FDIL rarely visits and she treats me badly, so I didn't see any reason not to display my picture in my home. It was in my guestroom. FDIL apparently had an issue that I knew nothing about because GD being allowed to visit me at my home is contingent to my agreeing to getting rid of the picture. I agreed. We'll see what happens.
So sorry you didn't get to see your YGS until he was 16 months. That's so sad that you missed so much. It is a crying shame that we have to go into combat to remain parents and grandparents. If it were up to FDIL not only wouldn't I see GD but I wouldn't see DS either. She resents our relationship. I don't understand why because although it's better, it still nothing to be jealous of. DS and I keep in touch but we aren't buddies.
I love that Maya Angelou guote. It's true that FDIL has shown me who she is. But a part of me understands how she got that way. When we were pleasant and used to talk she told me some very sad stories about the adults in her life, including both parents. I think she just has a dislike for adutls and thinks that most are terrible people who just hurt and let you down. Those who don't, those who are nice...Well, they're phoney.
I don't know what's going to happen with FDIL and DS. As much as I dislike her I don't want them to split. I don't want them to stay in a unhappy relationship either. I just hope they can truly resolve their issues, be happy and remain a family. I know that that may not happen.
Pooh, Isn't it something to think of your child's home as hostile territory? We were a bit uncomfortable but we were not prepared for the attack. Never in my life have I been thrown out of anywhere! DH said that he wanted to tell her to get out and the the place was ours for the rest of the month, LOL.
Luise, I'm so thankful that I have three DS. When DS and I had our issues it had me scratching my head wondering if I may have forgotten how terrible I must have been to make him treat me like that. I thought I was pretty darn good! Thankfully the other two validated my feelings and told that I was pretty darn good and that they believed the issues were simply DS's issues. I'm grateful you have youngest DS, our webmaster , to make you feel like the greatest mom we all know you are!
Pooh...Ouch...I know that hurts Although, I was allowed to know about the pregnancy saw sonogram picutures, and have pretty much been kept in the loop, I still doubt that I'll have a true grandma relationship with this baby. YS and FDIL told me first! They already live with us with my soon to be 1 year old grand daughter. I know I will be involved with everything, even present at delivery. One baby cannot replace another, but how blessed are we that we will still get to be grandmas!
So, I haven't called or texted DS since that night. I dont want to smother him. DH said that we will not be going over for another visit. I think that's the right thing for right now. Or course, if we're invited we would be go, but we certainly won't be asking. I don't think we have any worries because I don't feel like we'll be getting an invitation any time soon. And you know what??? I'm okay with that.
I checked DS facebook page Tuesday and saw that FDIL was completely removed.
Oh well, better get to work.
Hugs