Hi
I'm new here and I've been having trouble with my Mother in Law, who has tried to take over and run our lives starting with our wedding and caused arguments in our home the day before we married as she wasn't the centre of attention. I have kept my distance since that day - always encouraging my DH to call weekly (when he is in the country) and send birthday/Christmas/mothers day cards etc. We live 4.5 hours away and we have not visited since before the wedding 7months ago when we went for her birthday weekend (which unfortunately happened to also be my daughters birthday) and it was a complete disaster.
I would like for my DH's sake to build up a better relationship with her, however she has told me to my face that its her family her way or nothing, which leaves no room for compromise. We didn't spend Christmas with them as they were not willing to make any compromise for the fact that our family includes an 11 year old who will obviously not want to wait until 6pm on Christmas Day to open her Christmas presents (this was not something she was willing to alter in any way). She has another DS an DD and both are unmarried or would seem never been in a relationship in their lives. I was DH 1st GF and he's 34, his B is 36 and S is 32 all older than my age of 30. I'm starting to wonder if there are scared of being in a relationship as she is in control. They must attend her home every celebration all birthdays etc including their own, have to do exactly what she wants on each visit.
Everything that DH doesn't do is blamed on me! I allowed him (and organised all our diaries so he could) to spend a weekend alone with his family in November as a one off (because he was due to be out of the country on Sabbatical from Jan to April and therefore no opportunity to meet up). It was planned to be his parents and B & S, the Friday before she told B & S they couldn't visit as they needed to talk to him alone!!! They now think that they should have 4 to 5 weekends alone with him a year. They don't want to make the effort to meet up with us. I also arranged a day in between Christmas and new year for us to meet up in a halfway location all together with BIL and SIL for a day out - hoping that a neutral location plus activity would make things easier for all. We have invited IL's to join us on our holiday before Easter 2 days after my husband returns from abroad (we are going as a group of Church friends) but they have booked a cruise instead (which is fine but please don't complain that you haven't had opportunity to see your son).
There is a huge extended family gathering in April which DH will attend we will travel down together and DD and I will use opportunity to visit friends whilst he's there (as its nearly 5 hrs away from our home) we are staying overnight so suggested to IL's that we meet up for lunch the next day so they have more time to chat and we would have time to get to know one another better but no they won't do that.
She can't or won't accept that things have changed, that now there are 3 of us. That before we got married DH and I discussed and had marriage preparation how we would live ours lives. That we have decided that DD and any an all future children will be treated the same and expect others to treat them as equals. DH and my DD (aged 11) get on fabulously and have a great relationship but MIL keeps trying to put herself ahead of DD. Why would you compete with an 11 year old child? I don't expect her to instantly fall head over heels over DD but to set yourself in competition is just plain wrong. DD will win hands down.
If we can afford a summer holiday then we will try and take it down near to where they live, and try and see visit them for at least one day and perhaps send DH on his own for another. We asked them if they was any time they were away or had plans that couldn't be altered and got a long list of dates they absolutely could not do in fact out of a 4 week period in July/August there were three days they could do! It doesn't seem that they want to make an effort. They are retired and have lives yes and I want them to but if their other son or daughter want to visit plans are changed instantly. We were trying to be considerate and thoughtful and inclusive but then we hear from other relatives that I won't allow them to see him, don't make any arrangements! They haven't rung once since we got married, not to wish their son a Happy Birthday or anything - even when he leave them messages to call us when they get back or have an answer to a question invitation they don't. There is no space in our home for them to stay here - as before dh used to give up his bed and sleep in study but now study is DD bedroom so they would have to stay elsewhere should they visit, and there is not space at their home for us despite having 2 spare bedrooms!!!
MIL claims she wants a relationship with myself, DD and her son but every action suggests she only want her son on his own for the same time she used to have him a week at Christmas, a week at Easter and a few long weekends.
What can I do to encourage positive interactions?
We had this we our wedding moved date from a Saturday (which they could not do) to the Monday after (which altered many peoples plans and meant others could not attend and then proceeded to arrive Friday (for Wedding on Monday) which in my eyes meant we could've married on the Saturday, and insisted on sleeping in what was to have been our bed including on our wedding night which meant we had to stay elsewhere (we had offered to pay for their accommodation in a very nice place). We'd wanted low key, small and not fussy, no gifts just a celebration with close friends and family. However, that was not what they wanted so we had more guests (some that DH had never met and couldn't even tell me names of), more fuss, and it cost us more money, and they still weren't happy - MIL wore a black hat to our wedding.
Please, please help - I don't want to keep DH away from his family but want us all to be able to get on and spend sometime together but am dreading having anymore children as I know she will be a nightmare and I just can't cope.
You need a ((((((((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
She sounds like she is making her life miserable. :( She obviously is not willing to allow her 34 year old son to be his own man. He is an adult and shouldn't be living by mommy's rules any more.
Unfortunately, it looks like the ball is in her court. You can't control her actions. You are trying to make things work. You haven't been married long,maybe she will come around. Until then, enjoy MIL "free" time. :-) She will tire of not seeing her son and will come around.
I can't believe they had YOUR bed on YOUR wedding night! OMG!
And 4-5 weekends alone with him a year?! That is extreme. Besides, when would they do it? Certainly not in July/August LOL...
Just be glad you don't live in the same city as MIL! You would probably be expected to visit every day! :-\ You were his first GF when he was 34? That should have been a red flag. I wouldn't let MIL upset me so much...easier said than done I'm sure!
Bottom line, when you get married your new family IS your family. His parents, siblings, etc., should come second. Soooo, you and he have to decide how much time you want to spend with them together. I would not expect my DD to wait until Christmas day 6:00 p.m. to open presents either, so you did good not giving in to that.
I guess I don't have much advice but just be grateful there are miles between you and hang in there! Once she sees you are your DH's priority and if he stands up to her then she will cool it hopefully. Your husband may have to sit her down and have a talk with her eventually if you feel very disrespected by her. Good luck!
Ahh, you're doing so good, misunderstood. I wish I had the backbone you had at the start of our marriage too. What is that saying, begin as you mean to go...I think that is it, and it sounds like you're doing it! And more importantly, you've got a strong husband who is willing and able to do it from the get go. A lot of men from these type of backgrounds simply can't do it or even see it without a lot of help and intervention. You got a keeper there ;)
And yep, people always have something to say. Especially in a family like that, just keep considering the source. My husband also didn't have a serious gf until me and I couldn't understand why?!?! He is such a great guy. And then I met his family LOL. It has sure been a lesson in crazy.
Oh, misunderstood, the first gf thing is also a problem of mine as well...maybe that should have been a red flag for all of us. :)
Welcome, you're in good company. : ) A lot of us have similar stories.
I was apprehensive about my MIL when we decided to try and have children (actually I was shortly after we married), and as it is turning out, I had every reason to be.
I've been debating about sending DH alone to visit his family, but if this would create the expectation that he always comes alone, I might not be willing to do that after all. Thanks for the unintentional warning.
I'm sorry they don't like to include you, while simultaneously having this expectation that your DH can just leave you behind. You're DH sounds amazing...I suppose some of us should be tapping you on the proverbial shoulder for advice.
You start a new family unit...you make the rules. (Hopefully they are fair and make sense.) Those who want to play...fine...those who don't, oh, well. Sending love...
You sweet lady! You've really been treated poorly by your New MIL.
And I agree that your DD should always win! I do not understand how "any" woman wouldn't know that?
I'm sad for your MIL! She should be beyond happy that her Son found someone he loves and she loves him back. And he now has this wonderful little girl.
If she can't or won't be happy for him? Its her loss. And it's a HUGE loss too!
So it is my opinion that you and your family should leave her be until she sees the light.
I'm new here too. I've only posted a few times and I don't want anyone to think I'm being mean because that is not how I mean what I'm going to say.
But really I think your husband shouldn't go without you and his daughter. Your MIL should have to accept the whole package or none at all. By him going without you its giving her just what she wants. And what she wants in my opinion is just wrong.
Wishing you lot's of happiness!
Good post Kennedy
And I believe you are right, do not let her dictate or divide your family.. it's hard enough to begin to blend a family without the mil driving a wedge at the same time....
Also IMHO.. Christmas is for the kids.. nothing like starting the day with the excitement of gift opening.
Yup, count me in! Present a united front! Sending love...
Thanks Guys for all your advice.
Its just such a shame that there doesn't seem to be hope for a positive relationship, its hard work feeling tense all the time. My DH feels torn and I know that when he's home they will up the pressure again. He often says yes then has to call back and change his mind, he just doesn't seem to know he is allowed to have an opinion. At Christmas, it took a close friends husband explaining how Children come first and that his mother was welcome to join them but if she wanted to be present at stocking opening, then she had to get up with kids - they were not going to wait! He'd initially just said that's what he'd had to do.
Its not even like MIL has to worry about my family, I see my sister and my granma about once a month as they both live within an hour and speak as and when sometimes frequently and sometimes less so, but no one is offended, phones work 2 ways, but have nothing to do with my mother due to abuse so there isn't competition from the other side. That being said DD does have her own df and extended family and although he has a disability which means he only sees her for 4 hours at a time - that relationship must be nourished and allowed to flourish so if its his Saturday then we're busy that weekend.
Has anyone any ideas for how to make MIL feel wanted without giving in to her every demand? Can any Mils (though I'm sure you're not anything like my MIL) have any thoughts on what would be a reasonable frequency of visit and the small things that DIL/Son could do that would make you feel included (perhaps there are some I haven't thought of)
Misunderstood,
I think calling once in awhile helps. I used to call MIL, but she doesn't answer and I know that DH contacts her when he's stuck in traffic (which around here, is quite often), so I think that does work.
You could try calling yourself, but frankly, she doesn't sound like she really wants to hear from you...just her son, so that might not work. I'm not saying you shouldn't try though.
I had Blackberry Messenger for awhile and would send MIL photos of what we were doing that day (even if it was nothing). That might help...but again...she might not like that either. Wow, you're in a difficult position.
I think the biggest thing you can do is just hope she comes around and be patient. She has to warm up to you somehow, and the only real way I see that happening is time, mainly b/c the problem is hers, not yours. I'm sorry, that sounds like a tough situation.
No, I don't know of anything that satisfies a person like that unless they get exactly what they want.
The only thing I can think of is to pull back severely and give her a dose of what it could be like....nothing at all and perhaps she will come to her senses and appreciate what she does get.
Now, really what is it with these people? I don't get it, I feel so lucky every day for the most part. I live in the greatest country in worlds history, I have so many things available to me to pursue, I can virtually reach out and do anything I want whenever I want. Most of us are so, so, so lucky and well, wealthy considering the rest of the world and history. They are so determined to be miserable and be a victim, ugh. There's nothing you can do with that.
Misunderstood,
You have gotten some very good advice. I agree that you should always go with your DH to visit your ILs. If you feel up to it maybe you could try calling your MIL every couple of weeks (I would love it if my DIL would take that iniciative), I tried calling her but she doesn't want anything to do with me and don't lose hope even if things don't look like they will ever get better.
The fact that she behaves the way she does, treats you the way she does, always expects things to be her way or the highway and you're STILL willing to plan holidays to visit with her, do things to (try) to make her happy, and foster good communication with her and also between her and her son just shows what an understanding person you are. You are being BEYOND fair, you are going above and beyond and you deserve a medal IMO! Just make sure you keep your sanity in the process! :-)
Quote from: NotChattyCathy on March 30, 2011, 08:04:31 AM
The fact that she behaves the way she does, treats you the way she does, always expects things to be her way or the highway and you're STILL willing to plan holidays to visit with her, do things to (try) to make her happy, and foster good communication with her and also between her and her son just shows what an understanding person you are. You are being BEYOND fair, you are going above and beyond and you deserve a medal IMO! Just make sure you keep your sanity in the process! :-)
I agree! You should be nominated as "DIL of the Year" :-)
Good Morning Ladies,
Misunderstood I am a MIL now in life and it is a role I had to learn. I had a horrible example of what a good MIL acts like. Sometimes it felt like I was feeling my way around in the dark.
I made horrible mistakes and so did my DILs at times. But because staying close to my Son's and Grandchildren were important to me I did the work needed. We are now pretty close I think. I know on my end I admire and love them very much!
So seeing how you're this woman's 1st DIL she too may be trying to find her way?
Here is what I would suggest you try if you can?
1st- You and your husband need to talk and get on the same page on how you are going to handle things. Neither of you need to say or do anything without first talking to each other. In other words DO NOT let her divide and conqer. Ok?
2nd- If your MIL sees one of you she sees all of you. Do not let her divide your familiy. Y'all are a unit now and you come as a package deal or not at all.
3rd-Kill her with kindness! Try to tune out every little dig she throws at you and turn it around on her by saying how sweet she is to notice or something like that.
4th- NEVER be alone without your husband around her. If she is going to act horrible with a smile on her face then he needs to see it too. Not just hear it from you.
5th- To me this is most important! DO NOT let her turn you into some ugly person with anger in your heart all the time. You be you and she can be her. Your husband chose you to marry and share his life with. He didn't chose her.
And give it a little time.
I'm sorry about all the typos above. I'll use spell check next time. Promise :-\
Kennedy:
There are also DIL from hell too ....do you have a list for us MIL's too ?
Is the togetherness thing also important when DIL visits her FOO? Or is it just DS's FOO?
Sometimes I enjoy seeing DS w/o DIL, just as her FOO enjoys seeing her w/o DS. We've seen DS alone 4 times in as many years, whereas DIL's FOO sees her alone at least once every two weeks.
It isn't always about dividing and conquering, I'd just love to have a little time with DS w/o the stress of having to abide by DIL's rules regarding what we discuss (never her, usually sports, local/foreign politics or food, LOL) or what activities we do (city vs country stuff.) Do they always have to be together in our presence?
Ooops, I meant that we don't discuss DIL when she's not around. When she's there she's the center of attention.
I think this difference here is that the DS/DH in question was seen alone and now the MIL thinks that this is how it is supposed to be, and that if she doesn't want to get to know/deal/establish a relationship with DIL, that's okay and she doesn't have to. In which case, yes, I'd say DS/DH going alone would be a problem, but not in all cases. The MIL in question appears to be doing something to cutoff the OP and her DD.
Oh.
Well, maybe they could through the MIL a bone now and again...it might help keep her satisfied and lessen the demands.
My DS wouldn't want to come and visit without his family .
I've never asked him to come on his own , my F/DIL told me they were a unit anyway .
Your DS life changes completely when he takes a partner , it just takes us DM a wee while to adjust .
I think when this is suggested to us in a nice way , we do accept it , it's the presentation every time which will win
this argument .
IMHO.... :)
That's just my read anyway.
It's so funny some MILs here are bothered that their DIL won't come for a visit, while others here would like a visit with DS alone once in awhile, and apparently, there are some MILS that don't want their DIL around at all (from my impression in reading this thread).
I absolutely think time with DS alone once in awhile would be fair to ask; I would hope misunderstood's ILs know how to be fair, though.
Personally, DH gets very upset when I try to give him alone time with his family; and his parents take offense too. I suppose they get credit for accepting me in that respect. But, I've noticed that he and his dad go off and do something, while I spend time with MIL. Our time with them is spent divided from one another.
You are hoping for a relationship that will never exist. Your MIL is not interested in a relationship with you or your DD, she only wants her own family.
The effort you put into trying to accommodate her, in trying to meet her half way, in doing anything at all will not work.
It would be nice if she were normal but she is not.
Leave her to your DH and let him decide when he sees and talks to her, you do not have to go ... MILs like this do not give up and she will continue to tug at your family until she pulls you into her way of doing things.
Just give up on her. it will save you years of grief.
Just MHO here, I don't think MIL/FIL/DM/DF should EXPECT to spend alone time with their son/daughter after they are married. They've taken a spouse and are a unit, but that doesn't mean it won't happen. My DH spends "alone" time with FIL (maybe MIL?) when he needs to stop by and pick something up after work. I see my mom alone if DH has to work. BUT if it is a weekend, there is no way either side is seeing one of us without the other. We just don't fly that way.
If my IL's lived hours away. Well, DH wouldn't be seeing them without me, not because they'll talk about me or something, just becuase I couldn't bear to be away from him for the whole weekend. But I AM a bit clingy lol
And I don't do alone time with my MIL EVER. She scares me. lol
"she has told me to my face that its her family her way or nothing, which leaves no room for compromise"
She has told you who she is in this statement. Believe her. We so often believe we can change people, but we cannot.
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on March 30, 2011, 09:01:09 AM
BUT if it is a weekend, there is no way either side is seeing one of us without the other. We just don't fly that way.
And I don't do alone time with my MIL EVER. She scares me. lol
It just occurred to me, DH and I do everything together on the weekends, including visits. It's the visits with the ILs that we happen to be apart. Hm...
And, mine scares me too, for different reasons. She's not mean, but I can handle mean; if she was mean, I'd probably laugh.
I encouraged DH from the get go to go over by himself without me. He won't. He doesn't like it and doesn't think it's a good idea. Neither does the therapist, I still can't figure out why. They both say she will just think she is getting what she wants and driving me out of the picture. i don't see it that way, she might think that but it's not really happening, so who cares? I don't, lol. I just don't want to be bothered.
And we actually did try that for awhile and she got worked up thinking I didn't like her. That's not it, I just need space. I know it may not seem like it here, but I can like her with an adequate amount of space, I find her funny at times and interesting. Just not every day or even every week. She did want to spend time alone with me but i couldn't take it for very long b/c it was a lot of gossip and negative stuff.
My point is is that nothing is really going to satisfy her so I gave up really caring about that. I give what I can and do what I feel like I can do with a good heart. That's all anyone can ask of another.
If the MIL wants to see her DS and GK she has to accept that there is a mom involved in this family .
If she can't accept that , it's her loss .
A family , is a family , is a family !!
Mom , Dad , and kids ...end of !!
Quote from: pam1 on March 30, 2011, 09:10:21 AM
I know it may not seem like it here, but I can like her with an adequate amount of space.
I know what you mean about space. I told my GPs a few weeks ago, "I want to miss you once in awhile." So not nice, but I need some time to myself.
Yeah, but your family no matter who is in attendance. I don't mean to play devils advocate but I really don't get this way of thinking lol. I spend time alone with my family at times. It's not really planned and it's not like it's a scheduled thing but if my SM wants to go shopping while she's here or Dad and I go to the store or something. Heck, DH even spends time alone with my Dad cause they both play bball and raquetball. It's just not that big of a deal.
I mean, I know if someone is purposely trying to get you apart...like say on holidays or special days, that's different. But any old time?
Quote from: holliberri on March 30, 2011, 09:20:06 AM
Quote from: pam1 on March 30, 2011, 09:10:21 AM
I know it may not seem like it here, but I can like her with an adequate amount of space.
I know what you mean about space. I told my GPs a few weeks ago, "I want to miss you once in awhile." So not nice, but I need some time to myself.
lol, at least you can say it to them.
LL,
I think it's wonderful you're so accepting of your DIL; you expect her to be there b/c she has a spot in the family, and I would think that she has a right to be there anytime she wants; and I think it's wonderful you wouldn't question that.
If she didn't come one time, would you take offense? If DS came alone would you enjoy the time with him?
Quote from: lancaster lady on March 30, 2011, 08:32:43 AM
Kennedy:
There are also DIL from hell too ....do you have a list for us MIL's too ?
No sorry LL , I have very few lists actually. I agree with you that their are horrible family members on all sides. I hope I didn't offend you? That wasn't my intention.
I was only giving a point of view the OP could think about and use if she wanted too?
And those are only views and ideas that has helped me in the past.
If you find a list of rules for either side let me know. I can always be better. :)
I've made horrible mistakes in my role as a MIL in the past. I've owned them and I'm grateful that my DIL's gave me other chances.
I have a HORRIBLE MIL. All I knew for certain when this time came in my life was I didn't want to be anything like I had.
The kind of person we are is the formula for being the kind of DIL and eventaully MIL we become.
Holli
I wouldnt take offence if my Ds came alone , I'm grateful for any visits from any of them at any time .
since this heart scare she has text me daily to ask about my health , so yes we get along very well .( now )
I also never ask personal questions , .I find the less I invade their time and space , the more
they want to involve me . So being a silent GM has worked in my case .
I am glad that now they want to visit ,especially involving me with my GD , who is the apple of my eye , and we have such fun
together .
Kennedy :
No offence taken of course !!
Since being on this forum , I am now the perfect MIL , don't you know ...lol
I practise all the do's and dont's and it's working very well .
My DIL and I have had some scraps in the past , we have worked our way through them and come out the other side.
The main thing we have to take on board is that the GK's mom is number one !
To be involved with their life in any way , you have to get along .
these MIL's with the attitude of their way or no way are on a hiding to nothing .(old saying )
They will never win .
Told you I was a perfect MIL ......lol
Just re read last post ...Don't mean to sound pompous .....just trying to be the best that I can .....oh no ...
does that sound pompous too ?? lol
anyway , it;s not easy being either MIL or DIL ...as we all know ... :)
I think you are getting different views on the alone visits, from different MILs/DILS based on different situations. In my perfect world, I would love to be able to get along with my DIL and have both of them for visits. I totally expected after my Sons got married, that was what would happen. I wouldn't expect alone time with my DS. Now, if he dropped by after work to borrow something, so be it. But by that same token, DIL could drop by after work and borrow something, so be it. I wouldn't think of it as alone time.
But in my not-so-perfect-didn't-work-out-like-my-perfect-world, I don't get along with DIL. It's not even about who did what, or who is to blame any more. We are just different people that don't get along. When they did visit, she sat and sulked and didn't even try to participate in a conversation, or anything. So it made the visits very strained for everyone, and no one enjoyed them. So if DIL chose not to visit and DS wanted to, by all means. It would be a more fun, relaxed visit for everyone. Now, I am not asking for that, nor expecting it, and DIL would not ever agree to it anyway. But if that happened, I would definitely take the alone visits.
I think that's why so many different views here. I for one, know my DIL/DS is a package deal. But she chooses not to want to visit, so alone visits would be nice. Some MILs don't recognize the package deal, and have very nice DILs and no excuse. In those scenarios, then I wouldn't visit her alone either.
Now, my list of what you could do differently.....ummm.....ummm.....yeah I got nothing because you have done so much to try and compromise. I don't see what you can do any better. You've asked, you've tried to meet, you've tried to get dates that work, you changed your wedding day and you let DH go see them when he wants. You are doing more than your fair share of trying to meet half way.
I agree, Pooh, which is exactly why I think in misunderstood's position, I'd be at every family gathering DH was invited to, just to make sure MIL understands we're together and a package deal (for the most part). Then, if we had progress, I'd have no problem letting DH go away for awhile with his family alone or whatever; but for some reason, I think this MIL needs to get it in her head that her DH is married with a family now.
I agree. In her case, it's all of them, or none of them.
I also wasn't ignoring the fact they have a daughter, I left that out of the "package" because my DS/DIL don't have any. And I wasn't even going to get started on ignoring a child......
I'm soooo sick of reading Pooh's posts.... Why? Because every time I do I think "Dang! Why isn't Pooh MY MIL?" LOL Pooh, you are awesome. So sorry you got an icky DIL. :-\
Aww...thank you ADIL. I would take you as a DIL any day of the week! It's a shame that we can't have a MIL/DIL swap meet somewhere.
ADil, you are so right! Pooh seems so no pressure and light hearted about things, and despite the cutoff, she still seems happy besides (by that I think I mean she's innately happy), that I think I'd be an annoying DIL that stops by to pick up things and then stays for hours harassing her and gabbing and all this other stuff. She'd have to kick me out. I don't know how her demeanor (that's not exactly the right word) isn't contagious to everyone around her (DILs included!). I need a good healthy dose of happy and no stress, that's for sure; and a lot of time that comes in the form of a person. I imagine Pooh to be that person for a lot of people.
Group Hug
That's true, it's all different for everyone. The thing is a lot of the time DILs act as buffers for their DHs. Just from reading around and my own personal experience, if you need stuff to change the best thing to do is let DH experience and handle it without a buffer. (again, for problematic MILs, we aren't talking about our sweet ones here ;) )
Is it that he really wants to go to every holiday? Or is it just what he is used to and would rather roll over? Let him go a few times alone...lol.
Thanks Holli. I wouldn't kick you out. It would actually be the other way around probably. I'd be all "No...wait...wait...you have to hear what happened next....no, wait...wait....then she did this...." until you were running off screaming in the night!
I do love to laugh and like people to have a good time. We only get one shot at this life and I want to grow old and be the person in the nursing home that has the scooter, with the tassles and a basket, terrorizing people in the hallway with my horn.
Not to mention that your love of non-stuff sitting around would never go with my "tacky game". We get tired of buying things for each other, my friends and I. So we started 5 years ago trying to find the "tackiest/cheapest" thing we could find for birthdays and Christmas. It comes with a rule that you must display the item for a minimum of 3 months before giving it to goodwill. It's fun to watch people walk in your house and look at a shelf and gasp at my taste. ;)
We did that for a while but we rotated...tackiest, cheapest, most disgusting, sexiest, stupidest. It was great!
Yes...group hug for Pooh. Love you Pooh.
I agree with her Post. In a perfect world, couples should visit together as a family unit. Kennedy's point is correct also.....when you have a conflictive mil, you should always try to have your husband near...just in case mil could twist words.
I liked Kennedy's post a lot. Great advice. You didnt offend anyone. You were there once, so you know what might work.
Love
I
re alone visits, I wouldn't have a problem with alone visits some of the time, if we lived closer and could be visited in one day unfortunately it takes a whole weekend from fri afternoon to sunday evening and dh comes back exhausted from travelling so we lose family time the next couple of evenings too. Either because he's tired or has work to catch up on.
If we were planning a holiday near I would be happy to spend sometime visiting with them together and sometime for dd and I to go out for a walk or to park etc and dh could spend sometime with just them. The big one for me is that dd and any and all future children be treated the same, she cannot expect to pretend we don't exist then expect ds to visit and take along any of "his" children. We are a family now, we may not be perfect but I have absolutely no intention of allowing them to see any new offspring if they can't make effort with myself and dd.
I think it is great you are trying to figure this out before more kids come along.
Thank you L.L., I'm so very relieved to read that I didn't upset you.
Like you all I've tried to do is become the very best MIL I can. I read in places like this and use what I can of it. I've always tried to learn better ways of living. So I'm not trying just to be a great MIL. I'm trying to be a Great Mother of Grown Children, a Wonderful Grandmother. Just a better,bigger ME. Well maybe not "bigger" :o
When they put me 6 feet under I'll relax and rest. ???
I think most women that have spent years teaching,loving and guiding someone into a great man/woman want only to have happiness and love in their families and life. We aren't old horses to be done away with. So it pays us to try.
Reading forums like I have the last year or so it has made me sad to learn how many Women throw the baby out with the bath water so to speak. That told off on my age didn't it? LOL
We don't get to pick our DIL/SIL no more than they get to pick a MIL. We have to pray we get someone in our life that wants to love us and we them. I work on the relationship everyday. It's important beyond words to me! Have a great evening all!
I still want to know why it's OK for DIL to spend so much time with her FOO, with or without DS, and not OK for DS to spend time with his FOO. It's my recurring conundrum. I've learned many things here, but this still baffles me.
Actually, Kennedy, IMHO DILs have more of a chance to pick their MILs than MILs do picking a DIL. I'm still shocked that my DIL seemed to accept us until the ring was on her finger, then everything changed. She knew who we were and still said "I do." She had a choice. We had none (not that I wanted a say in who DS married, LOL.)
Dear Pen
I am with you on this. It is not ok..... What we have read is that it is only natural/normal that dil spents more time with her FOO. And some other excuses....but I dont get it either. We dont get it because this is discriminating huh?
My dil was also precious when she was dating my son. She often came to me to complain about her mother. Immediately after the wedding (one day after lol) she was another person and in love with her mom. I had some problems with her mom on the wedding party because she ask our relatives to leave the table they were in because it was reserved for their family. I was shocked when I heard this and I went ahead and told dil's mom that she had been rude. I thought that maybe that had been the reason. Now I know it wasnt.
Another possiblity for dil's sudden change was that my son did not like her mother and didnt visit....so dil came after me for revenge??? I know this because my son told me he did not like her mil and never visited. So I dont know if son and dil were playing games with each other. I dont like your mother...I dont like yours either LOL. As I always say...now things are quite different. Dil changed and now we all get along pretty good.
And also it is interesting to know why sons tolerate this ---other explanation than because they want to avoid conflict with wife.... it is still the same thing -- why do dils dont care about having a conflict with husband because she is rejecting his FOO.
Only God knows.
Love you Pen
It is complicated huh?
Love you Pen
Pen :
In my case my DS probably wouldn't come anyway now without his partner and baby .
My F/DIL has never visited me on her own ever , but is with her own FOO at least three times a week .
I have just learnt to accept that this is how it's going to be . If I don't complain about their visits now
they show up a couple of times a month . I never go to their home unless invited .
I don't want to be seen as a grumpy old grandma , and try to make their visits fun so they actually want to come back .
My own MIL , always complained and moaned , you never phone , visit etc , resulting in the fact that my DH
never wanted to go and see her . This has obviously been tucked away in my subconscious , as I try never to do that .
It might be crumbs Pen , but it's better than an empty plate ..
Talking about before and after marriage ...I suppose your DIL had to be sweetness and light until she got the ring on her finger , after she got it , she didn't need to try any more .She had your DS and to hell with everyone else .
My DS is just a wuss and barely speaks , never mind raises his voice . I know he's stressed at the moment planning the
wedding , they know where I am if needed .I prefer to butt out , as my opinion has never been asked for so far .
Don't get me wrong I am no pushover , but don't want to make any waves when the water is calm !
Just throwing this out there about the drastic change when that engagement ring goes on the finger.....
I'm sure my MIL thought I changed drastically and here is why. I planned my wedding since I was 13. I knew EXACTLY what I wanted for everything.... Well guess what ladies, my pushy overbearing MIL changed every single one of my plans except the dress which she took the opportunity to call me fat in. Yes, it made me BITTER! It made me HATE and LOATHE this woman. I want nothing to do with her (it is too soon for me to get all chummy lol). A wedding is extremely important to a woman and she most likely had it planned all along. She does not want any suggestions from her MIL. Just sayin' this could be the reason for "the change."
Your MIL was a big ole' jerko from the beginning ADIL, and should never had tried to change things that you wanted. Now, as to suggestions...there's a huge difference in suggestions and demands. She wasn't suggesting, she was demanding.
I had a different mindset when I planned this last wedding. I wanted to make everyone feel special. My family, his family, our friends, the Officers.....everybody. It was our day, but all these people were our lives and I got some great suggestions from everyone. In making it about everyone, it ended up being about us...kind of ironic.
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on March 31, 2011, 05:41:00 AM
Well guess what ladies, my pushy overbearing MIL changed every single one of my plans except the dress which she took the opportunity to call me fat in.
I saw with my own dil a young lady who was anxiously looking for the 'perfect' wedding.. of course she was.. and she should have been.. a lot of time and effort had gone into the planning. Life isn't perfect, and neither was her wedding and I'm glad she was able to roll with it especially since it was our family kinda screwing things up (never intentional).. Unfortunately weddings create a lot of stress which is sad because it's only suppose to be about happiness.
Adil, I'm not defending your mil.. but are you sure that you did not set her up for a fall.. sometimes I felt like that is what was happening in my son's wedding.. Could you have possibly asked.. does this make me look fat.. and she saying ahhh yep :) Even saying yep would have been wrong... lol.. honest.
I don't know if I can fully agree with your statement that brides do not want any suggestions from their Fmil's.. I hope my daughter will.. because this isn't a see-me I'm the princess for the day.. it's a union of two people and one of them came from the heart and soul of your mil.
Quote from: Pen on March 30, 2011, 11:36:07 PM
I still want to know why it's OK for DIL to spend so much time with her FOO, with or without DS, and not OK for DS to spend time with his FOO. It's my recurring conundrum. I've learned many things here, but this still baffles me.
Actually, Kennedy, IMHO DILs have more of a chance to pick their MILs than MILs do picking a DIL. I'm still shocked that my DIL seemed to accept us until the ring was on her finger, then everything changed. She knew who we were and still said "I do." She had a choice. We had none (not that I wanted a say in who DS married, LOL.)
While we may not be tackling this as a mathematical equation (like Scoop does :) ) it's still hurtful when you see how unnecessarily lopsided relationships sometimes become. As with us.. we've been 'allowed' to see our son 2 times in past year, each as he was walking out the door for a deployment. And both those times came with hurt feelings when I had put my foot down and said that I would not have her parents there for those 2 events and still they weaved their way into one of them. My dil is not buffering anything for my son, he has told us as much and now because of her inability to step away from her FOO for even a normal visit with her husband's family, we had to send ds plane tickets to come home for a visit, without his wife. It is lopsided and it does hurt, but now it's beginning to hurt them as well... we've pulled back, we've gone on with our plans and our lives. All of a sudden I'm receiving phone calls asking why they did not know about trips we were planning, or family gatherings etc.. and it's not like we are keeping secrets we have all accepted that our relationship with them will forever be distant.
I always said that if my dil gave an ounce of consideration towards our family, all hurt feelings could have been avoided. Instead her own parents have picked up on her indifference to our son's relationship with his family, and they have taken the same attitude as well... I don't see where anyone benefits.
********I always said that if my dil gave an ounce of consideration towards our family, all hurt feelings could have been avoided.********
This is true for us too, Laurie, but she's definetely not interested, she does whatever she wants with him and he doesn't pick up on it. She told me herself at the beginning of their relationship that he was such a nice guy (and gave me full credit for his upbringing) that if she wanted to, she could make him do whatever she wanted and he wouldn't suspect a thing, and that's exactly what she's doing. I don't know how far she's willing to go with this game of hers, probably at least until she finishes with us.
and sometimes it's just that Barbie.. a game.
Quote from: Pen on March 30, 2011, 11:36:07 PM
I still want to know why it's OK for DIL to spend so much time with her FOO, with or without DS, and not OK for DS to spend time with his FOO. It's my recurring conundrum. I've learned many things here, but this still baffles me.
Actually, Kennedy, IMHO DILs have more of a chance to pick their MILs than MILs do picking a DIL. I'm still shocked that my DIL seemed to accept us until the ring was on her finger, then everything changed. She knew who we were and still said "I do." She had a choice. We had none (not that I wanted a say in who DS married, LOL.)
It is not okay, Pen. It's not okay any way you look at it. It baffles me, too, actually. I tried so hard to make sure we spent a certain amount of time with each family- in the beginning- when I thought it would be appreciated and not taken advantage of. I just cannot imagine having such a one-sided point of view. How self-involved my generation is.. :(
I think the sad part is, that if either Pen or Laurie saw their son (with or without DIL) in more reasonable lengths/quality/number of times, the comparison probably wouldn't arise at all, even if the DIL family did have more time.
And...for every couple out there spending more time with the DIL's family, I can count one couple spending more time with the FIL's family.
I definitely spent a lot more time with my FIL's family until I moved home. They visited for 2 weeks every 3 months or so while overseas and in Cali. Now that the role has reversed and I am in close proximity to my family, they've started pulling the "fairness" card. It's amazing how happy they were with the situation when my parents didn't figure into the picture at all. And, if they were rational about it, they'd realize I see each of my parents every few weeks for about 2 hours. I'll bet it all works out in the wash.
I'll never forget the look on FIL's face when I said I wasn't inviting my parents to dinner and he said, "What, has it been 10 minutes that they haven't seen you?" I said, "No, actually, neither of them have seen me since last August." (It was March at that time...man, that felt good).
HB...my jaw dropped when I read what your FIL said to you. I just...can't even imagine what would have flown out of my mouth had my ILs said that to me. Oh man...the nerve! Passive aggressive much?
The difference between my FIL and MIL: he knows how to catch himself. It's written all over his face.
MIL would rationalize it in some other way like I chit chat more on the phone with my mom than she does with DH...and it woudl just go on and on.
FIL is GREAT about NEVER EVER doing anything like that again. He finally stopped cutting up on women around me; and I didn't have to say a word. He saw the look on my face, and his eyes just went into apology mode. So, he kind of gets a pass; plus, when I put him in check, he doesn't cry. :P
I do not count days or visits.. I just know when any of our time is being blocked or taken advantage of.. Our late Christmas dinner was a great example.. I had house full of people waiting for them to get off the ship from the cruise and be here for dinner... my dil and her mother decided to instead invite 10 or so of their family to a special surprise lunch get together after the cruise (a surprise only for my ds.. this had been planned since before the cruise as it turns out)... so now instead of them showing up at the prescheduled 1:00 - 3:00 (a time they set) they did not show until after 7.. of course they were not hungry, and it's a good thing because we went on with our plans without them.. we wanted to include them, they were not the stars of the show..no body had whipped out the "You Are Special" plate that day.. what a big let down that was for them to comprehend.
Purposely ruining your plans...ugh. That is so immature. I swear your DIL and her mom are stuck in junior high.
That's why I understood DH's anger with me when I said we shouldn't go visit his parents due to pink eye. I know how it can be perceived, even if I would never say that without good reason. I just have really bad luck with on visits with his parents: friends die, DH needs an ER visit and DD gets sick. I just wish they'd be a little more understanding about it.
Quote from: Laurie on March 31, 2011, 07:23:25 AM
I do not count days or visits.. I just know when any of our time is being blocked or taken advantage of.. Our late Christmas dinner was a great example.. I had house full of people waiting for them to get off the ship from the cruise and be here for dinner... my dil and her mother decided to instead invite 10 or so of their family to a special surprise lunch get together after the cruise (a surprise only for my ds.. this had been planned since before the cruise as it turns out)... so now instead of them showing up at the prescheduled 1:00 - 3:00 (a time they set) they did not show until after 7.. of course they were not hungry, and it's a good thing because we went on with our plans without them.. we wanted to include them, they were not the stars of the show..no body had whipped out the "You Are Special" plate that day.. what a big let down that was for them to comprehend.
So, does DS communicated with DIL about these things or was he just lied to about what was going on after the cruise? DH and I are pretty good about being on the same *honest* page about schedules. It helps b/c we can arrange other things AND it doesn't make me look like I'm sabotaging anything. If I kept plans like that from him until the last minute, I think he'd be going on his merry way doing what he intended originally.
I just wanted to comment about the dress. I KNOW I didn't ask if it made me look fat. I actually bought the dress YEARS before I had even met my DH because I saw it, it was just what I always wanted and it was only $75 and happened to be in my size.... talk about lucky! :)
As far as the rest, well, IMO the wedding day (while it IS a joining of 2 people) is primarily about the bride. Most of the time, grooms couldn't really care less about the day. So then it falls on the bride to plan it. Why shouldn't she be the princess for the day? If she doesn't ask for suggestions, why does everyone (only MIL in my case) feel the need to give them?
Anywho, I must move on to a different subject, thinking about my wedding only depresses me. MIL really has been a LOT better recently. Yay! :)
Alone time - I spend MUCH more alone time with my Mom than DH does with his parents. And even then, he spends more alone time with his Dad than with his Mom. Maybe it's a gender thing? I know that I never spent THAT much alone time with my Dad.
We live in a different city from each of our FOO's. DD & I will sometimes stay on for a week after we visit my Mom (as a family). Then Mom will drive us back home (or we'll meet halfway). My Mom visits us often, so we get a fair bit of alone time together.
When we visit the IL's, I try and give DH time with his parents. But I bet you a dollar they think I'm being stand-off-ish. I don't know why my DH doesn't want to visit his parents alone. I certainly wouldn't stop him, but I wouldn't let him take DD. They have shown themselves to disregard her feelings too many times to be trusted with her.
The thing that surprised me was when my cousin came to visit. Her DH had disdain for people who contact their parents too much (i.e. every day). And I know his parents, they seem nice to me. I do know that their XSnIL hates them with a red hot passion. I just think they're lucky their son is married to my VERY easy-going cousin. They stay at her house for extended periods and they drive her crazy, but she just says "what are you going to do?". If their DIL hated them, I'm sure they would hardly ever see their son too. I don't know why he doesn't have a "pull" to spend time with them.
Wow, Laurie. I'm glad you didn't let their abscence ruin your plans completely. That's downright nasty! Maybe DS forgot to communicate it to DIL? (You're right, he probably did and she was just being a passive agressive you-know-what)....
Yeah that is too much of a coincidence to NOT be a sabotage.
ADil,
I do see your point. I planned an entire wedding alone, not even with the help of my mom. I actually measured DH myself before he left for Italy, and e-mailed his brother for tux measurements. I did the legwork, all of it. I hand dyed the bows for the favors, handwrote invitations, and handwrote the table places. The day of the dress rehearsal, I scrubbed the floor of the mansion on my hands and knees AND I set up the chairs myself.
MIL could wear whatever she wanted, she wanted to sing at the wedding (a Barbra Streisand song no less...not my style), and I said she could of course, she karaoked at my wedding, and I didn't care. They rearranged who was escorting who so I had to make some last minute arrangements to make sure my SIL and cousin weren't walking alone (I pulled a best friend from the crowd and he escorted both of them!). She got to arrange her guests however she liked and invited whoever she wanted.
In the end, she still likes to tell me how excluded she felt, despite my e-mailing her the program I chose for her review AND sending her the list of menu choices. Not sure what more I could have done for her.
I don't think that one family should have preference over another, although there are situations for example one family living closer which makes visiting often more easy, in my situation there is no competition with his and my family as I see my stepdad whenever he is in town for about 1 hr a month, my sister when our schedules allow with children and work commitments around once a month and dh family don't live close so when we do see them its normally at least a full day if not more.
However, if MIL lived close in some ways would be easier as short visits would be easier and more frequent, not weekly but probably monthly. If DIL or MIL are not made to feel welcome then visits are likely to happen less often - why would you spend lots of time with people who don't like or want you. My granma makes people welcome so would end up with more visits though not many more because everyone enjoys being with her - she is similar in age to DH parents but much more friendly and accommodating, and has fewer expectations. If we can only stay for an afternoon - great, if we can stay all day even better.
:( I don't know either, Holli.
My MIL told DH after the wedding that she wanted to make sure I didn't miss out on any special "experiences" with the wedding. You know, the "experiences" the bride shares with her Mom. I didn't want to share them with MIL. She can have those experiences with HER daughter someday.
MIL thought that my mom was completely out of the picture. Um, no she wasn't, she just knew I had things under control. She helped me get dressed that day which was the really important one for me. MIL used to make wedding cakes and offered to do ours. I am soooo thankful that there was an issue with the cake (the bride and groom tried to commit suicide lol and had to be superglued back together) or someone may have had to escort MIL out of the dressing room.
lol, I married a very interested in the wedding process Groom. He wanted to know everything and he would say oh you pick and then want to know and would point out what he wanted, it was pretty funny. My first way would have been elopement, second I planned a carnival/circus and that was a huge no no...ugh, I still think that would have been awesome. It turned out ok in the end, very beautiful but I'm still mad about it. It's time to let goooo
omg, that's funny ADIL. I forgot about MIL wanting to help me get dressed and my parents getting into a tiff about it b/c she wouldn't stop talking about it and how disappointed she was.
Quote from: pam1 on March 31, 2011, 08:04:10 AM
lol, I married a very interested in the wedding process Groom. He wanted to know everything and he would say oh you pick and then want to know and would point out what he wanted, it was pretty funny. My first way would have been elopement, second I planned a carnival/circus and that was a huge no no...ugh, I still think that would have been awesome. It turned out ok in the end, very beautiful but I'm still mad about it. It's time to let goooo
HaHa! Circus would be soooo cool! We wanted a Hawaiian Luau with a potluck pig roast. Everyone would bring a dish in leui of gifts with the recipe to start me out with lots of recipes. I also wanted a sandcastle wedding cake. Well, MIL said "The food will spoil during the wedding!" She harangued us soooo much we changed the whole thing. Really? They don't make crockpots or coolers? lol
MUST LET GOOOOOOO......... lol Maybe in a few years it won't bother me???
I had the Groom too (this time) Pam that wanted to be involved. He helped with everything and even helped me make all the flowers....Lol. I will say, that made me enjoy the entire wedding more because he was involved. And a circus/carnival? Oh how fun! We did the playground and party atmosphere and it was so much more fun. I remember everything about that day and enjoyed it all. My first wedding (the princess wedding with 250 people). I don't remember anything about it because I was so worried about everything falling into place and was a nervous wreck. I'm serious. I don't remember anything!
My son's wedding is in August , this year !
The date and place I discovered on Facebook , and not a lot since . So this MIL has no involvement whatsoever !
That is so messed up, LL. The least they could do is inform you before the rest of the world what day they are getting married!
My future DIL said that's how she does things , and she's sorry if I don't approve ..!!
I asked to be involved and kept in the loop , if I could help in any way .
Now and again I get told little snippets .
As the wedding is being held quite a distance from anyone , my family and I booked accommodation to make sure
we had somewhere to stay . They still haven't received invitations ......so I hope they are invited ....lol
If I don't complain ....she can't complain about me .
Okay, so that's how she does things, but what about your son? Is that how he does things? What's his excuse for not calling you to tell you the day he's joining his life with someone else? It is unreal to me that people are like this...
Yes, I don't understand that at all. I might have planned everything alone but I always called MIL to tell her what I decided. She was in the loop all the way, even if she didn't have direct input on everything.
Unless LL's DIL thinks being kept in the loop = Facebook notifications. That might work for friend #334, but not a parent of the bride or groom.
And, even if you absolutely had to type it out on Facebook first, why not call right after? Facebook notifications get outdated and some of the "oomf" of the news is lost when someone reads it a few days later and 600 people have already offered their congrats.
That stinks, LL.... but for the invitation bit, it is VERY early for you to expect the invitations for a wedding in August. They probably won't go out until late May/early June. I do hope DS/FDIL didn't do anything silly like not invite family over friends. When my brother got married HE (not SIL) wasn't going to invite any of our family except for Mom, Me (I was a BM) and our dad's mom. Not any Aunts or Uncles and not our mom's mom. Glad he came to his senses.
Quote from: holliberri on March 31, 2011, 10:34:43 AM
Yes, I don't understand that at all. I might have planned everything alone but I always called MIL to tell her what I decided. She was in the loop all the way, even if she didn't have direct input on everything.
Shoot! That's were I went wrong, Holli. Somehow MIL misunderstood me. I told her what we decided but she moaned and groaned and to shut her up we caved. If only we could do it all over again...... lol
HB- friend #334...LOL. That really does put things in perspective about facebook.
LL- ADIL is right, it is early for invitations to an August wedding. Don't worry...yet.
I know about the invitation bit , but a few relatives were booking holidays in August .
My niece was going to NY for a week and New England for the other week , coming from the UK , it takes
some organising . Also my brother was planning two weeks in Mexico also from the UK .
After hearing all these plans being made perhaps early invites might not be a bad idea , otherwise our family
might be a bit on the thin side .... :)
Oh, well maybe not early invites, but "Save the Dates?"
Those are simple, and often done by e-mail. It gives you the date way in advance, before invites go out.
Quote from: holliberri on March 31, 2011, 10:34:43 AM
Yes, I don't understand that at all. I might have planned everything alone but I always called MIL to tell her what I decided. She was in the loop all the way, even if she didn't have direct input on everything.
I love this. I think that is the proper way to do things, even if you don't want help. "Hey MIL, just wanted to tell you about the fabulous cake I ordered."
Of course, I know this only works with understanding MILs, but I would have loved that. I didn't have to make any decisions, or be involved directly, but it would have been lovely to get just those kind of calls. It would have made me feel like I was thought of.
LL, Hmmmm..... Are DS/FDIL paying for the wedding themselves? DH and I paid every last cent ourselves. So, maybe it is "mean" of me, but I would have been THRILLED if some of our extended family members would have had vacations booked in August. lol Not family members that I am close to, but those that you are obligated to invite to the wedding, but you only see at weddings and funerals. We have a LOT of those in my family. Now, had I been "allowed" lol to have the potluck reception that I wanted, it wouldn't have bothered me at all. lol
Quote from: holliberri on March 31, 2011, 07:41:04 AM
Quote from: Laurie on March 31, 2011, 07:23:25 AM
I do not count days or visits.. I just know when any of our time is being blocked or taken advantage of.. Our late Christmas dinner was a great example.. I had house full of people waiting for them to get off the ship from the cruise and be here for dinner... my dil and her mother decided to instead invite 10 or so of their family to a special surprise lunch get together after the cruise (a surprise only for my ds.. this had been planned since before the cruise as it turns out)... so now instead of them showing up at the prescheduled 1:00 - 3:00 (a time they set) they did not show until after 7.. of course they were not hungry, and it's a good thing because we went on with our plans without them.. we wanted to include them, they were not the stars of the show..no body had whipped out the "You Are Special" plate that day.. what a big let down that was for them to comprehend.
So, does DS communicated with DIL about these things or was he just lied to about what was going on after the cruise? DH and I are pretty good about being on the same *honest* page about schedules. It helps b/c we can arrange other things AND it doesn't make me look like I'm sabotaging anything. If I kept plans like that from him until the last minute, I think he'd be going on his merry way doing what he intended originally.
Actually my ds said that he was the ONLY person surprised.. so yeah it's a lie in my books.. and then she has the nerve to make a comment about not getting to choose which bed she was sleeping in here... I said well last one in~~~~
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on March 31, 2011, 07:44:19 AM
I just wanted to comment about the dress. I KNOW I didn't ask if it made me look fat.
lol ... I didn't think you really did Adil
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on March 31, 2011, 07:44:19 AM
As far as the rest, well, IMO the wedding day (while it IS a joining of 2 people) is primarily about the bride. Most of the time, grooms couldn't really care less about the day. So then it falls on the bride to plan it. Why shouldn't she be the princess for the day? If she doesn't ask for suggestions, why does everyone (only MIL in my case) feel the need to give them?
Actually my son did care and actually had a lot to do with the planning... My fsil is already telling all of us what he'd like to see.. so I see him being active in his own wedding.
And Adil, there is a difference I guess between being the bride and being a princess and I was making a reference to little diva princesses. My dil did balance her special day very well, she was elegant, considerate, loving and well the perfect bride.. nothing really threw her off balance.. I was asked for my opinion a couple of times but I could tell that she and her mother were not really interested in the answer.. I should have just said hey let's bring the pudding cups for dessert.
If they were having goat meat for dinner that would have been an excellent idea. :P
Quote from: Laurie on March 31, 2011, 01:23:24 PM
Actually my son did care and actually had a lot to do with the planning... My fsil is already telling all of us what he'd like to see.. so I see him being active in his own wedding.
I do think I would have preferred DH to be around for the wedding planning, or to have cared about the plans in the first place. But, then again, he says his wedding day was at the courthouse. So, at least I can say he knows what is important and what is not.
Dil's parents are paying for most of the wedding , I offered at the beginning but was told , no thank you .!
now I think they are changing their minds !!
I haven't been asked if I would like anyone in particular there , so I reckon it'll be a big surprise to see who is actually
at the reception .Usually the grooms parents are given places for friends etc . I was told they are not paying for people
they don't know .! And NO I'm not wearing beige !!
Well, if you aren't told anything at all, you can't be given instructions on what to wear...so you better be gorgeous.
If they do ask you to cough up the bucks, I'd say it's fair that you have a little more input.
LL, seriously, do you know if they've thought about simple e-mail Save-The-Dates? It might be worth very casually mentioning. Or paying a friend to do so. Those things take like a minute and a half to send out, and are inexpensive, and very helpful with planning ahead.
holli ...as far as I know they are about to send out the invites , as various friends and relatives have been asking
about dates etc .
I have been told they have a wedding website set up and have been passing this on , each day is a new
revelation .....lol It's gonna be a true princess wedding , dress is way over budget ...( I didn't ask the cost ).
I haven't seen the website either , think I'd rather be in the dark ....lol
Quote from: lancaster lady on March 31, 2011, 02:51:21 PM
holli ...as far as I know they are about to send out the invites , as various friends and relatives have been asking
about dates etc .
I have been told they have a wedding website set up and have been passing this on , each day is a new
revelation .....lol It's gonna be a true princess wedding , dress is way over budget ...( I didn't ask the cost ).
I haven't seen the website either , think I'd rather be in the dark ....lol
LL.. I agree, if you haven't be taken up on the offer of contributing money, then staying in the dark will prevent you from ever accidentally saying anything that could be taken the wrong way.... ahhh the wedding website, is this pretty customary now?
Well it's new to me Laurie ...but then I am ancient ....lol
just trying to go with the flow , I did offer to pay for my GD's outfit .
So my f/ DIL went out and bought a dress for her ....I am being really good ...no?
hopefully I will be awarded with my MIL of the year medal soon .... :)
It is pretty customary. They also have a wedding info app for Facebook, complete with a countdown. There is no escaping the wedding madness anymore.
If I recall, theknot.com or aweddingstory.com are popular websites. I find it a tad nauseating, lol.
Quote from: holliberri on March 31, 2011, 04:12:41 PM
It is pretty customary. They also have a wedding info app for Facebook, complete with a countdown. There is no escaping the wedding madness anymore.
If I recall, theknot.com or aweddingstory.com are popular websites. I find it a tad nauseating, lol.
Now I know why we went to a JP and invited no one.. really for us it was heaven .. I didn't have an audience for the birth of my children either.. and I requested not to have one for my funeral. I did laugh at Elizabeth Taylor being 15 minutes late to her own funeral.. I thought that was great
I laughed at that too.
Pooh was saying she doesn't remember her first wedding, and I don't remember my own either. I remember not eating the delicious food because I was stressed and my dh didn't eat either due to stress. It was just a whirlwind. So I get why dh preferred our jp ceremony.
Hello Ladies, I haven't read all the replies yet. I just wanted to say that I never meant to imply that a man couldn't or shouldn't go alone to visit his family as often as he wishes.
I personally see nothing wrong with a Man doing that at all.
Our Sons come see us alone all the time. Our DIL's come see us alone all the time . They come see us as a Couples all the time also.
My intention was to share my personal experiences and points of view based toward the questions asked by the OP. In hope's some of it would be helpful to her?
If our grown children didn't want to visit us? Or if their spouse didn't want to be around us?
I would be sad,hurt,angry,mad then all of that at once I'm sure!
This is an area which I've been blessed I know. I do hope you are able to get where you want to be OP and everyone else too.
On a slightly more personal note; OP, I would just like to give you a shout out for being a WONDERFUL MOTHER!! It is great that you aren't letting " ANYONE" side step your little girl. You're the best!
This is a lovely group! I'm happy I've found it!
I agree Kennedy.. there are times when adult children do and should visit without their spouses... UNLESS.. the FOO's are trying to divide them as a couple, then I feel that the united front would speak louder then words.
Hi misunderstood :
We kinda hijacked your post a bit , but reading all the posts I'm sure you will pick up some good ideas .
I think your DH has to stand up for his family , it's all or none .!
Be ready with the excuses when THE summons come for get togethers .
Keep in touch ...
We never intentionally hijack threads.. it's like we have A.D.D. at times and just wander off :) Eventually we'll come back around.
Quote from: lancaster lady on April 02, 2011, 09:00:17 AM
Hi misunderstood :
We kinda hijacked your post a bit , but reading all the posts I'm sure you will pick up some good ideas .
I think your DH has to stand up for his family , it's all or none .!
Be ready with the excuses when THE summons come for get togethers .
Keep in touch ...
"THE Summons" made me laugh.... The ringtone for my MIL is this classical music then a guy says "Her Majesty requests and requires that you now answer your telephone. She looks forward to speaking with you. It is a ROYAL SUMMONS!" LOL
Oh, I hope my invites are never seen as a royal summons...I'm too shy to contact DS & DIL unless it's absolutely necessary. I wish I could just be myself and not worry about how I'm perceived.
Well Pen , I think you should be yourself ...and go for it !!
when you get to a certain age , I'm afraid you tend to do as you like and to heck with the consequences .
Then they put it down to your age .....and eccentricity, and that suits me just fine ....lol