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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: swp0710 on May 05, 2011, 02:37:30 PM

Title: Starting a Family...
Post by: swp0710 on May 05, 2011, 02:37:30 PM
My husband and I got engaged around Christmastime and were excited to be done with college, engaged and home to celebrate with our families.  On Christmas Day, we went to DH's parents house to celebrate. DH and FIL were in FIL's office looking at FIL's newest tech gadget and MIL and I were in the kitchen. She asked if I'd like to help, which made me feel special and we got busy making the food. We started talking about the wedding and our initial thoughts and eventually the conversation turned to when we planned to have children. I told her it would be at least a year, maybe two since there was planning and something physical complications I would have to deal with regarding being pregnant. Now, this is where things get tricky... I explained everything I could about what the physical limitations would entail. I concluded by explaining that our choices are to adopt or use an egg donor and go with IVF. We are happy with either option, so it's really whatever route we decide to take. I had never really opened up to MIL about this side of me, so I didn't know how she'd react. She was silent for a few seconds and then said, "Well, you're both still going to try, right?" I didn't know what to say and I'm not sure I know whether to read anything into her response or just let it go. Any insight, ladies?
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: elsieshaye on May 05, 2011, 02:52:13 PM
I personally would let it go, and just assume she was suffering from information overload, or doesn't understand your physical situation as well as you do.  (I know sometimes I try to explain things about my diabetes to someone, and because they just don't have the time invested in learning about it, including the physiology involved, I get a confused look and a question that indicates they don't get it.  I've learned to give short, oversimplified answers very light on detail.)
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: pam1 on May 05, 2011, 03:05:20 PM
Oh SWP, welcome :)  You and I are in very, very similar boats.  No matter how much I explained my infertility issues, my MIL still says cruel and insensitive things.  I personally gave up, she gets no more information.  The more information she had, the more she had weapons to hurt with. 

I even thought we were doing pretty well there for a while but no dice.

You know, people who are not infertile don't talk about their methods for planning, I'm not sure why so many people expect infertile couples to explain themselves.  Anyway, glad you made it here and welcome again.
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: luise.volta on May 05, 2011, 03:10:09 PM
Guessing is pretty useless. Especially guessing what other people are thinking. It's always OK to say, "I'm not sure what you mean?"

My "guess" is that she knows it may be a time consuming issue and she's glad you are young and have the time.
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: LaurieS on May 05, 2011, 03:23:09 PM
Quote from: swp0710 on May 05, 2011, 02:37:30 PM
She was silent for a few seconds and then said, "Well, you're both still going to try, right?"

I would have sat silent for a moment and said well we've been trying every since we started dating.. why stop now.
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 05, 2011, 03:35:03 PM
My advice. When MIL says something you find "offensive" (I would have been offended by her comment) develop a thick skin and let it go. MIL's are only human. All humans have the ability to contract "Foot in Mouth" syndrome. I'm sure she will LOVE her GK no matter how that child comes into the world.  ;)
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: LaurieS on May 05, 2011, 03:38:04 PM
it did not seem to me that she was shunning you for having limitations with conception, and while you would be looking at other alternatives of course you will probably continue trying the old fashion way.  I agree with Adil, you're going to need a little thicker skin because seldom do people say the exact thing you need to hear, when you need to hear it.
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: swp0710 on May 05, 2011, 03:43:52 PM
Thank you all for the posts.

The only reason I'm baffled lies in the reason for alternatives. I have non-producing ovaries. I was born with a genetic defect that put me through menopause by the age of 3. I can't physically make the baby, even if I wanted to. That's why I was struck by her question.

You are all right about thick skin; I just need to remember to use it :-)
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 05, 2011, 03:49:41 PM
Quote from: swp0710 on May 05, 2011, 03:43:52 PM
Thank you all for the posts.

The only reason I'm baffled lies in the reason for alternatives. I have non-producing ovaries. I was born with a genetic defect that put me through menopause by the age of 3. I can't physically make the baby, even if I wanted to. That's why I was struck by her question.

You are all right about thick skin; I just need to remember to use it :-)

Is MIL religious? Because, well, miracles CAN happen.... At least that's MHO.
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: holliberri on May 05, 2011, 03:54:21 PM
Hi Swp. Welcome to the board! I hope you will read our Forum Agreement when you get the chance. I see the course have already welcomed you. I think I can relate....so I will chime in later!
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: swp0710 on May 05, 2011, 03:56:06 PM
Thank you, Holly!

She is not religious at all, but DH and I are. Unfortunately, I've had two OB's tell me that I no longer have functioning ovaries in any capacity. Given my circumstance and my faith, I find it sort of promising/slightly ironic that my mother named me after Sarah from Genesis (without even knowing I would be born with my condition).
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 05, 2011, 03:59:07 PM
Quote from: swp0710 on May 05, 2011, 03:56:06 PM
Thank you, Holly!

She is not religious at all, but DH and I are. Unfortunately, I've had two OB's tell me that I no longer have functioning ovaries in any capacity. Given my circumstance and my faith, I find it sort of promising/slightly ironic that my mother named me after Sarah from Genesis (without even knowing I would be born with my condition).

God knows everything  ;) I'll pray for you that when the time comes, He blesses you. (But I see nothing wrong with adoption or any other method, DH and I plan to adopt.)
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: Pen on May 05, 2011, 05:15:35 PM
Welcome, SWP! Your attitude regarding your condition is really great. You'll be a wonderful mom to a very lucky child one of these days, and I hope your MIL is able very soon to understand and support you. In the meantime, let the occasional insensitive comment go.
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: SassyDI on May 05, 2011, 05:25:08 PM
I don't know how I would take silence but she asked if you were still going to try.  Thats good sign to me at least.

With DH SCI(Spinal cord injury) we had to do IVF or adopt.  Dumb me told GMIL all about while helping her babysit DH's little cousin was was in town.  DH and ran to get subway and I told her how we were starting to look into it.  She told me that IVF was wrong in the eyes of the Catholic church that it went against my DH religous beliefs.  And that she knew a woman who couldn't have children so she made baby clothes and that I should use my daycare job as a way to have children.  I was floored and hurt. 

When we finally got pregnant with DD he called his Grandma and told her and she told him he needed to go to confession because what he did was a sin.  I told DH if he even thought about it I was walking out the door.  And I told him I would tell her off if she said it to me.  She never agian spoke of it.  SHe loves DD but it still boths me a little how she reacted. 

This same woman freaked out over my ultrasound picture but thats a whole different subjuect lol.
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: holliberri on May 05, 2011, 06:00:04 PM
SWP,

After 4 years of trying, DH and I began doing some investigating. He was diagnosed with male factor infertility. We went through IVF, but didn't get very far in the process (the meds didn't work). I then had 2 miscarriages (I conceived on my own). After more digging, the doctors said I had a folic acid deficiency. DD is finally here (my fourth pregnancy), and the whole time going through this...adopting was in the back of my mind. I am one letter reference away from a home study to adopt as well.

That's the short version. MIL still refuses to believe DH has a problem at all, and is quite comfortable with the fact that my uterus was just an "inhospitable environment" for eggs. She said I wasn't romantic enough in the bedroom. She said it was b/c we have cell phones. She also thought we were wasting money with IVF OR adoption. "Just do it the cheap way."

The doctors I worked with work with couples all the time who don't learn about fertility problems until AFTER they've had their first child, and they aren't totally convinced that I will have a second successful pregnancy. Time will tell. In the meantime....since we are adopting, MIL is not onto, "Just have your own." Also, those anecdotal stories about couples having kids miraculously after being diagnosed with infertility/subertility OR after having adopted are just that: miracles. They are rare...that is why they are talked about so much. Those stories are mentioned so often that people have begun to think that is the norm, and it's not.

Truth is, adoption grew into something different for me, and DH and I made the decision quite selfishly to adopt. It has nothing to do with giving someone a home. It has to do with another person bring added joy to our life because we get to take care of, love and watch them grow. That's all. I honestly feel that giving a child a home is insignificant compared to the experience I'll  get  raising another child. I think I'll get way more out of the adoption than just giving someone a home.

Anyhow, the lack of support is infuriating, but I don't think it's intentional. I really think that while MIL would never admit it, she'd love a child we conceive through IVF OR one that we adopt just as if I carried the baby myself. It won't matter in the end, it's just getting to the finish line where people are going to add to the difficulty. I'm just trying to tell myself that.

Also, I think the lack of support is par for the course for someone who never had to deal with fertility issues/miscarriage/the pins and needles of adoption. They just can't understand it. Period. So...they say insensitive things, throw out armchair diagnoses, and begin asking the most intrusive questions. The worst part about it is that they take YOUR problem, and instead of empathaizing with you...they make it THEIR problem b/c of their discomfort with it. 

I don't think you can change her...unless she's had trouble herself, she's not going to say, "I'm sorry, I understand. That sounds like a great plan."

Just do what is right for you...and try to ignore the comments...she really has NO idea what she is saying.
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 05:20:47 AM
Quote from: SassyDI on May 05, 2011, 05:25:08 PM
I don't know how I would take silence but she asked if you were still going to try.  Thats good sign to me at least.

With DH SCI(Spinal cord injury) we had to do IVF or adopt.  Dumb me told GMIL all about while helping her babysit DH's little cousin was was in town.  DH and ran to get subway and I told her how we were starting to look into it.  She told me that IVF was wrong in the eyes of the Catholic church that it went against my DH religous beliefs.  And that she knew a woman who couldn't have children so she made baby clothes and that I should use my daycare job as a way to have children.  I was floored and hurt. 

When we finally got pregnant with DD he called his Grandma and told her and she told him he needed to go to confession because what he did was a sin.  I told DH if he even thought about it I was walking out the door.  And I told him I would tell her off if she said it to me.  She never agian spoke of it.  SHe loves DD but it still boths me a little how she reacted. 

This same woman freaked out over my ultrasound picture but thats a whole different subjuect lol.

I'm so sorry she took this attitude with you. She is a very "classic" Catholic. It is true that the Catholic church does view any "unnatural" (Don't know that is the right term) pregnancy as "wrong." They also view any form of contraception (BC Pills, Condoms, could list a few more lol) as a sin as well.

But, God loves ALL children no matter how they came into this world. I'm sure this hurts you very deeply, but try to let it go. She is only human.  :-\
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 07:27:12 AM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 05:20:47 AM
Quote from: SassyDI on May 05, 2011, 05:25:08 PM
I don't know how I would take silence but she asked if you were still going to try.  Thats good sign to me at least.

With DH SCI(Spinal cord injury) we had to do IVF or adopt.  Dumb me told GMIL all about while helping her babysit DH's little cousin was was in town.  DH and ran to get subway and I told her how we were starting to look into it.  She told me that IVF was wrong in the eyes of the Catholic church that it went against my DH religous beliefs.  And that she knew a woman who couldn't have children so she made baby clothes and that I should use my daycare job as a way to have children.  I was floored and hurt. 

When we finally got pregnant with DD he called his Grandma and told her and she told him he needed to go to confession because what he did was a sin.  I told DH if he even thought about it I was walking out the door.  And I told him I would tell her off if she said it to me.  She never agian spoke of it.  SHe loves DD but it still boths me a little how she reacted. 

This same woman freaked out over my ultrasound picture but thats a whole different subjuect lol.

I'm so sorry she took this attitude with you. She is a very "classic" Catholic. It is true that the Catholic church does view any "unnatural" (Don't know that is the right term) pregnancy as "wrong." They also view any form of contraception (BC Pills, Condoms, could list a few more lol) as a sin as well.

But, God loves ALL children no matter how they came into this world. I'm sure this hurts you very deeply, but try to let it go. She is only human.  :-\

One thing I didn't mention in here is if you read this you will notice she did not mention adoption.  I get most Catholics are against IVF but they are not against adoption.  This is only my thinking but I wonder if she didn't bring up adoption because of DH's SCI.
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: holliberri on May 06, 2011, 07:31:22 AM
My MIL is very religious, also against adoption. She thinks it is beter to have your own. She thinks I am wrecking my family by adding a stranger to it. So the religion has little to do with it, for whatever reason. And...so does logic, unfortunately.
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 07:36:12 AM
People act crazy and controlling over wedding.  Drives me nuts.  We had so much craziness.  We didn't do Communion because GMIL would have gotten angry that I did it because I am not Catholic.  I took it at my friends wedding and they got mad at me.  I was the maid of honor he offered and I took it not knowing what to do.(I was a young 21 now I would probably just crossed my arms but never had to deal with it back then) 
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 07:36:57 AM
Quote from: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 07:36:12 AM
People act crazy and controlling over wedding.  Drives me nuts.  We had so much craziness.  We didn't do Communion because GMIL would have gotten angry that I did it because I am not Catholic.  I took it at my friends wedding and they got mad at me.  I was the maid of honor he offered and I took it not knowing what to do.(I was a young 21 now I would probably just crossed my arms but never had to deal with it back then)

Some how got in the wrong thread opps.
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 07:39:49 AM
Quote from: Holly on May 06, 2011, 07:31:22 AM
My MIL is very religious, also against adoption. She thinks it is beter to have your own. She thinks I am wrecking my family by adding a stranger to it. So the religion has little to do with it, for whatever reason. And...so does logic, unfortunately.

I'm so sorry to hear that, Holly. It makes me sad when people can't be accepting of children. My mom was adopted and loved by every member of her family (Plus she recently met her biological family and they all love her too!). My side of the family is very accepting. We have some "adopted" family members who show up to our get togethers that have never been related to us in any way. They just liked us and latched on.  :)

It is hard for me to understand such "dislike." Especially aimed at an innocent child.  :'(
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: Sassy on May 09, 2011, 09:26:55 AM
QuoteYou know, people who are not infertile don't talk about their methods for planning, I'm not sure why so many people expect infertile couples to explain themselves.

This is very true.  Unless one is confident someone else would want to hear details about one's participation in the traditional reproductive method, it's probably safest to assume that same someone would also be challenged about how to best react when hearing details about one's participation in other family planning methods. 
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 09, 2011, 09:33:45 AM
Quote from: Sassy on May 09, 2011, 09:26:55 AM
QuoteYou know, people who are not infertile don't talk about their methods for planning, I'm not sure why so many people expect infertile couples to explain themselves.

This is very true.  Unless one is confident someone else would want to hear details about one's participation in the traditional reproductive method, it's probably safest to assume that same someone would also be challenged about how to best react when hearing details about one's participation in other family planning methods.

Maybe it is simply because they don't understand or know what all options are out there? If you think about it, most of these methods are still fairly "new." Just one generation ago, most of them weren't available.
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: Pooh on May 09, 2011, 09:36:52 AM
I think I am going with that she probably holds an opinion that doctors can be wrong.  Maybe she didn't say it right, but I truly wouldn't think what she said was her trying to be offensive.  I remember my Grandma telling me about a cousin of hers that was told by everyone that she couldn't have children, and she ended up getting pregnant.  So maybe MIL has heard those stories too and just doesn't fully comprehend your situation.  Since from your post I gathered that everything else went well, I think I would give her the benefit of the doubt for now.

Hang in there MN and welcome.
Title: Re: Starting a Family...
Post by: Sun_is_still_shining on May 10, 2011, 04:56:49 PM
Awww.. My heart goes out to you SWP. It's tough to have to deal with insensitive people but I don't think she realized how upsetting she was being. Like it was said earlier some people who have never been through such a situation, have a hard time relating. I would take it as she's not someone to keep very informed on the current ongoings of your journey to parenthood.

On a side bar.. OMG HOLLY! I can't believe you still talk to your MIL! You are such a strong person to allow her to still be part of your family after that. How uncouth.