WiseWomenUnite.com

Problem Solving => Daughter in Law's or Son in Law's Parents => Topic started by: nonamehere on November 21, 2010, 12:15:02 AM

Title: Christmas
Post by: nonamehere on November 21, 2010, 12:15:02 AM
DD married in June and moved to distant state where I have extended family.  I just found out that her MIL has bought airline tickets for DD and SIL to visit at Christmas.  Visit will be from Dec 22 til Jan 2.  DD has informed me that even though her in laws live in the same state as us and within a two hour drive, we will not be seeing her during this time.  Her MIL has indicated that the time is to be devoted to them.  My DD is young (26) but not that young.  I am disappointed that she has agreed to this plan.  I am disappointed that her husband has asked this of her.  I am sure part of the justification is that we have seen DD in her new location as I have been there off and on to visit with and care for my father who is dying of cancer.  And, I have in fact seen my daughter but none of these visits have been relaxing or enjoyable.  It is a very stressful time.  I am very sad that the travel dates guarantee that we will not see DD whether we happen to be at our home or visiting our extended family.  I shared my deep sadness with DD but the decision is made.  I will see my SIL on Thanksgiving day and I must say I am struggling with seeing him for the first time since learning of these plans.  I know I should keep my mouth shut, but I am so angry over this decision.  And, as I have already said, my daughter is obviously going along though she tells me (and I do believe) that she would much rather spend the time visiting home.  She says they are afraid to make his mother mad, that there was much friction over the fact that they spent Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day at our house last year but this was because of plans made with my daughter prior to the engagement.  I thought at the time he should have spent the time with his family but it was none of my business.  However, since his mommy was so pissed over last year, our family is being shut out for a full 10 days.  I want to handle this in the best possible way, but I am very hurt, sad and jealous.  I can't remember the last time I had 10 uninterrupted days with my daughter. 
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Nana on November 21, 2010, 02:14:31 AM
Dear Nonamehere

I am sorry that you feel hurt with this situation.  I understand your pain.  But at least you know that your daughter cares about you, but do not want to cause any trouble.  Your dil's mother was very greedy and selfish of course.  She put your daughter and sil in a very difficult position because she is paying for the airfare.  If I were you...I would just stay calm for my daughter's sake.  Please dont stress your daughter.... she feels just the same as you do.  You love your daughter and now show it, making life easier for her.  You had her last year and will have her many more times.  There will be another time that she will be able to come and see you exclusively. 

This is just my opinion.   

Some other wise ladies will give you great advice.

Love
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Pen on November 21, 2010, 05:44:56 AM
Why do people have to be so selfish? My DIL & her FOO do the same thing. DS has stood up to them somewhat, but I imagine it's more difficult for your daughter to say anything. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this heartbreaking situation.

10 uninterrupted days? I can't remember the last time I had 10 uninterrupted minutes with DS! I surely miss him. I'd love to be able to spend some time with him that wasn't also filled with attention grabbing theatrics, eye rolls, snide comments or, in the event DIL isn't present, constant texting or calls to DS.
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Pen on November 21, 2010, 08:16:03 AM
Oh, and welcome, Nonamehere! Glad you're here, but sorry you have to be here if that makes sense.
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: nonamehere on November 21, 2010, 08:23:02 AM
Nana, if my daughter felt the same as I do, why would she agree to such a plan.  I'm tired of trying to make things easy on my daughter.  I'm very sorry that I have such bitterness in my heart about this, but I do.  And you know what, there aren't always more Christmases etc.....I am in great despair, my daughter knows and doesn't seem to care. 

Pen, I'm sure I won't even talk to my daughter during this extended visit.  I don't call her when she's visiting them and I doubt she will call me.....maybe the mandatory Christmas day call......frankly......I don't think I will even want to talk with her as I am so aggravated.
And it does make sense, I'm sorry I have to be here and sorry that I foresee a very long life of future disappointments given the players and their personalities.  I liked by SIL very much and didn't see this coming.
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Tara on November 21, 2010, 08:36:52 AM
Nonamehere

Hello and welcome.  I'm sorry for your disappointment.
I would encourage you to take time to grieve and then figure out how to
have a nice holiday yourself. 

Is it possible to visit your DD and SIL where they will be staying at SIL's FOO?
Maybe drive there and take them to lunch?  dinner?  just a thought.

Our dear forum leader often says here that we 'trip over our expectations' which is true for me.

I'm glad you are on this forum, there is a lot of wisdom and support here.



Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: nonamehere on November 21, 2010, 10:29:01 AM
Tara,
My husband I would have been happy to do that, but have been told that DD's MIL "expects the time to be devoted" to her.  I think that's pretty clear don't you, we're not welcome.  This is all after footing the entire bill for a wedding at which half of the guests were their family and friends.  I understand about tripping over expectations, but twelve days.....come on.  I didn't expect Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve or New Years.  I also didn't expect that my daughter would be asked or agree to a complete shut out of her family.  Believe me, I am just as angry with her as I am with anyone.  I hope that she goes there and is completely and totally miserable.  I hate to say that, but if I told you otherwise I would be lying.
Nonamehere (because in some respects I am very ashamed of myself)
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: seasage on November 21, 2010, 11:11:11 AM
Quote from: nonamehere on November 21, 2010, 10:29:01 AM
Tara,
My husband I would have been happy to do that, but have been told that DD's MIL "expects the time to be devoted" to her.  I think that's pretty clear don't you, we're not welcome.
...
I also didn't expect that my daughter would be asked or agree to a complete shut out of her family.  Believe me, I am just as angry with her as I am with anyone.  I hope that she goes there and is completely and totally miserable.  I hate to say that, but if I told you otherwise I would be lying.

So what would be your preferred way of handling this?  Make dd's MIL feel guilty?  Make dd and sil feel guilty?  Create a climate where you and sil's FOO could share the wealth in the future?
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: LaurieS on November 21, 2010, 11:23:28 AM
If this were happening to me, I would speak directly with your daughter and tell her what you said here.. you are hurt, angry, and feel left out.  I feel that you are correct to have expectations of seeing your daughter and sil for at least a day as they are only 2 hours from you.  Yes, why shouldn't you EXPECT to be treated with a little respect.  I  would not go along with the, but my husband.. or but my mil... She is 26 and not that is not young, she's been standing on her own two feet for awhile, so why fall back on others as an excuse now.  Your dd is also the only one who can say, hey wait a minute mil, I do want to see my family as well.  She has the right and ability to not accept a gift that has these types of attachments. If she chooses to accept a strings attached gift and accept these demands then you have your answer, she's a big girl and should be able to flat out say that this is her decision if that's the case.

You as well as the other family are both going to have to come to terms with the fact that your kids are people and it's unacceptable to pull at them like rag dolls.  Your dd  and sil need to find some balance between families if this marriage is going to make it through the holidays and to look forward to having both families a part of their future.
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: luise.volta on November 21, 2010, 11:49:54 AM
What a learning curve for your DD as well as for you. Her moment of truth was when the gift of a trip was offered with strings attached. There's the rub. We pay...you dance to our tune. Not easy for a youngish adult to discern that she is being bought and has her own self-respect and integrity to consider. Threats of tantrums when bowed down to just bring more of the same...because they obviously work. Sending love...
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: nonamehere on November 21, 2010, 01:13:13 PM
Laurie,
I agree that they are not rag dolls......but we're talking twelve days.  People have to realize that decisions like this have consequences and by people, I mean my daughter.  People become hard hearted to protect themselves.  I never thought her MIL would come between us but I believe her mission has been accomplished.  And yes, I realize that she's only successful if I allow her to be, but the last thing I am interested in is an ongoing battle for affection that can so easily be bought.  Self-preservation become the order of the day.
Nonamehere
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: nonamehere on November 21, 2010, 02:19:24 PM
I don't think she is in my corner and that's what hurts the most.
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: 1Glitterati on November 21, 2010, 02:25:20 PM
What on earth will they do for 10 days?  I can't think of anyone outside of my dh and kids that I want to spend 10 consecutive days with.

I really don't see why, if your daughter wants to see you, she can't just man up and tell her mil "Hey, my mom is coming up on such and such a day and we are going out shopping and to lunch."  or even "Yes,  I plan to drive over to mom and dad's and visit for a couple of days."

If your daughter wants to see you, and isn't---don't blame her husband.  Blame her.  She isn't standing up for herself.  Your daughter has the choice to see you.  She can't be made to not see you.  Yes...she can have to deal with pouting and whining and likely passive aggressiveness from her mil and likely her dh when her mil whines to him about it...but she has the choice to see you if she really wants it.
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: nonamehere on November 21, 2010, 03:14:15 PM
1Glitterati,
I agree with you.  My daughter is the one who could stand up and she isn't.  That is the bottom line for me. 
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: luise.volta on November 21, 2010, 03:57:59 PM
Well, the subject line in this thread got me going and I have my lighted wreath on my door and my lighted "sbow man" on my porch! Right behind you, Anna!
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Barbie on November 21, 2010, 05:14:31 PM
And I too already put up all my decorations but DH says no lights until after Thanksgiving.
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Scoop on November 21, 2010, 05:43:11 PM
I think the expression that fits here is "If you don't like something, change it.  If you can't change it, change the way you think about it."

I agree that you should offer to go visit them for lunch or something.  You know, you can put your own pressure on her, without stamping your feet or anything.  I can see that if they're flying in they won't have access to their own car to come down to visit you.  I think if they borrowed SIL's parents car, it would just be ONE more thing that they are OWED.

On the 'change the way you think about it" side, well, I have some questions.  You said that DD & SIL had Christmas with you last year, did they go visit his family?  When they come for Thanksgiving, will they go visit his family?  It could be that as a couple they've decided that, they will have Thanksgiving with one family (only) and Christmas with the other (only). 

I always felt bad for couples who had both sides of their family in the same town/area.  It always seemd that my cousins had to split themselves in half 10 times to see everyone they "had" to see.  We alternate Christmas between the IL's and my FOO and when we're with one side, we focus on them.  I like it that way.

So what I'm saying is that it doesn't have to be a fight.  You can tell her that you really want to see her, and you completely understand her position, but surely she can 'sneak out' for a couple of hours and would she like to go out for lunch & a pedicure, or supper & a movie?

Or you can ask her what their intentions are for future Christmases (as in "is this a new policy for alternating? or does the family who buys the plane ticket get to decide? ").

I don't know, there seems to be some information missing here.   
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: nonamehere on November 21, 2010, 06:09:57 PM
Yes Scoop, they did go visit his family last year.  They left our house Thanksgiving evening to spend the rest of the weekend with his family and the day after Christmas to spend the remainder of the time through New Year's with his family and they weren't even married.  I fully understood and expected that he/they would want to visit his fam.....I would have thought less of him if he didn't.  The only reason we had the actual holidays with DD was that the plans to be together at those time were already established before they were engaged in August.  However, that is when the trouble started as FMIL was pissed that we expected DD to keep prior commitment and her son chose to be with us her rather than them.  She's been bitching about it for a solid year in one way or another.  Again, that is my frustration, you would think in 12 days, DD would find a way to accommodate her family as they did his last year.....in spite of the fact that it cut each of our visits shorter than planned. 

As for this Thanksgiving, my Dad is dying of cancer and mother just got out of hospital following colon cancer surgery herself.  I am staying at their house to care for them and Thanksgiving will be here as both are too sick to go anywhere else.  DD and SIL will come here for Thanksgiving as they are about 40 minutes away.  If I wasn't here, we wouldn't be seeing them as travel time would be prohibitive.  So, a couple of hours on Thanksgiving with very stressful circumstances has become part of the justification for spending the totality of their Christmas break with SIL FOO.  Again, I didn't know I had raised such an insensitive DD, but I am finding that I have. 

I tried the subtle approach that maybe we could meet for lunch or something and I was told that this would upset MIL and that again, the time was to be devoted to them since they bought tickets.  I feel my daughter has sold her soul to the devil.  I'm trying to change my attitude, trying to keep from having a heart as hard as a rock.  DD has really let me down and I think I am less able to handle it because of everything going on with my parents.  It feels like my heart is breaking on so many levels.  Sick parents, DD who is setting us aside, husband out of work, no income, a home that won't sell and what seems like much more.  I'm tired. 
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Barbie on November 21, 2010, 06:39:02 PM
Nonamehere,

You're going through a very difficult time right now, you can only spread yourself so thin. I don't really know what i can say to make you feel better. I was taking care of my father and at the same time I thought I was losing my son, I know it's heartbreaking. I think for now you need to concentrate on yourself so that you can take care of your parents who need you, no one knows how much longer they'll be around and when it's all set and done you'll find great satisfaction knowing you did everything you could for them and have no regrets.

I'm sorry for what your DD is putting you through but I don't think you should be worrying about her right now with everything else you have going on.

Please take care of yourself, stay strong. You're in my prayers.

                                           Hugs.
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Pen on November 21, 2010, 10:05:33 PM
Nonamehere, it's hard enough to deal with rejection under the best of circumstances. I've been thinking of you and your situation all day, fantasizing about how your DD's MIL would react to a phone call from you where you lay it all out in your best Kathy Bates style - IOW, "This is  how it is and here's how it's going down, lady...I don't care whether or not you approve, this is what's happening. Now hand over my daughter, get out of the way, or get run over."

I wonder what would happen?

Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Pen on November 21, 2010, 10:39:37 PM
Quote from: 1Glitterati on November 21, 2010, 02:25:20 PM
...If your daughter wants to see you, and isn't---don't blame her husband.  Blame her.  She isn't standing up for herself.  Your daughter has the choice to see you.  She can't be made to not see you.  Yes...she can have to deal with pouting and whining and likely passive aggressiveness from her mil and likely her dh when her mil whines to him about it...but she has the choice to see you if she really wants it.

When I went to visit my DF & his wife, I asked beforehand if they would mind me spending a day with a dear old friend who had moved across the country to their area. DF & SM knew I hadn't seen in person in years and how much it meant to me to squeeze in a quick visit. SM said she'd be happy to drive me to a car rental agency nearby (they're really rural.) I made travel plans and my friend cleared her work schedule as well as made reservations for us with a guide for some touristy-type fun. At the very last minute, literally, SM informed me that the only car rental was 2 hours away (I later found that was untrue) & that she and DF refused to drive me that far. There were no other modes of transportation available to me. It was impossible for me to visit my friend.

Big time sabotage!! I had to call and cancel which hurt my friend's feelings and created a big hassle with the tour company.

My point is that some people are so crafty in their manipulations that they will actually make it impossible for us to see those we love. I'm pretty smart; I thought I had it planned and sewn up, but I forgot who I was dealing with. Nonamehere, your daughter may be dealing with a master manipulator like my SM. Since your DD is young and in a subordinate position, she may feel she can't fight it.

I also agree that your DD is being bought. My DS is in a similar situation and it breaks my heart. I feel for you all!

Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: RedRose on November 22, 2010, 04:47:38 AM
Well,  maybe next year their time will be equally spent between both families...then nobody gets hurt or feels cheated.
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: seasage on November 22, 2010, 06:51:06 AM
Quote from: nonamehere on November 21, 2010, 06:09:57 PM
As for this Thanksgiving, my Dad is dying of cancer and mother just got out of hospital following colon cancer surgery herself.  I am staying at their house to care for them and Thanksgiving will be here as both are too sick to go anywhere else.  DD and SIL will come here for Thanksgiving as they are about 40 minutes away. 

I think I would do a little undercut manoeuvre at this point.  I would send a lovely Thanksgiving card to SIL's parents, saying that you are sorry that both families cannot be together at your house this year for Thanksgiving, telling them how your dad is doing, what you are doing on the west coast (or wherever you are right now) etc.  It might bright you and SIL's family closer together so that you and they can share DD and SIL next year. 
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: nonamehere on November 22, 2010, 05:56:25 PM
Seasage,
I appreciate you conciliatory approach.  And yes, a future where we jointly enjoyed our great kids together when possible would be my goal.  I myself had a MIL that did not want this type of approach, but my own sister and my dearest friend both have IL situations that are nurturing, mutually supportive, encouraging and friendly....FOO-FOO.  As a matter of fact, my BIL has spent countless days with my parents during their illness, single handedly spending time with my Dad while Mom had surgery, taking my Mom to the hospital when both my sister and I were unable to do so and so forth.  So yes, yes, I have seen and envy those types of great IL relationships.  That is why, when planning DD's June wedding, I made many friendly overtures to DD's FMIL.  I included FMIL and FFIL names on the wedding invitation (with MIL's approval) even though they did not (nor did we expect) them to participate financially, I contacted her no less than three times to get the list of those she wanted invited from SIL's family/friends before she saw fit to provide the information (this was most stressful when trying to plan), sent Christmas card and token Christmas gift with DD when they went for visit last year all without acknowledgement and continued to make other subtle attempts to be friendly through the process without pushing a strong relationship that she may not be interested in having.  Through the process I found that this was a woman who one evening when DD and SIL were there for a visit, went to her room and closed the door for the evening when she found that DD and SIL had a breakfast get together planned the next morning with SIL's paternal grandparents.  She threw a huge fit I guess because they had not sought prior approval and as a result they did not meet GM and GF for breakfast.  When preparing the seating chart for the wedding, DD was told that MIL did not wish to be seated with these grandparents nor did she want her own mother or sister at her table.  DD and I didn't know who in the world we could seat at her table that she would like.  Even though we thought it was a slight to SIL's grands we ended up seating SIL's pastor/wife along with FIL's hunting buddy's family at her table.  Very strange but she was totally pleased.  Anyway, wedding and reception were lovely , no problems.  All guests seemed to enjoy fully but not one word after the event from MIL.  One day about two months after the wedding, while on FB I said HI on chat and she immediately had to go fix lunch.  Also sent her a link to access all wedding pictures without charge and never heard one word from her.  The one thing I can say and that my daughter says is that outwardly, MIL has always been kind to DD.  I, however, do not find her lastest manipulation with regard to Christmas travel to be in best interest of DD at all.  Anyway, that's what this is all about.  I don't really think MIL would buy any reference to us spending Thanksgiving together in IL bliss.  That train has left the station.   
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: nonamehere on November 22, 2010, 08:55:25 PM
Pen,
Believe me, if I were the only one involved, I would have gone Kathy Bates on MIL during the wedding planning.  However, as we all know, this would only mean trouble for DD and that I do not want.  I must admit that I went KB on DD for her failure to speak up.  That conversation took place today.  I had been trying to hold it all in but today the valve blew on my pressure cooker.  Anyway, it became pretty clear today that DD was swept up in MIL's manipulation.  All plans were negotiated between SIL and MIL and DD had paid no attention to the particulars.  I think it was only when I blew my stack that she even realized it added up to twelve days and by then, the tickets were purchased and the stipulations were in place.  Having witnessed MIL's blow up over breakfast with the GPs (see post above) I'm sure she was afraid to suggest any face time with her DF and DM.  I think my own sadness and grief with everything else going on caused me to jump to harsh conclusions regarding DDs complicity and involvement in hatching the plans.  I did point out that if DD did not want the kinds of relationships that MIL had with the people in her life (again see above post), she might want to get her head in the game.  This, I believe, my DD heard.  Oh yes, another MIL relationship example I can share.  MIL asked DD not to include the SILs GMs on the list of people that DD would like invited to the bridal shower because MIL didn't want to have to be the one to bring them!  Nice.  My DD was totally not going down that road and invited both GMs.  However, since no one offered to drive them to the shower, they were not able to come.   Anyway, today I reaffirmed my deep love for DD and told her that my biggest fear was that MIL was going to come between us and that I needed to know that she wasn't going to float along on the clouds where these matters were concerned.  DD is no match for her MIL and I think her DH is just a typical man.....I'm glad I've come around to this way of thinking because I hated being so aggravated with DD and SIL.   DD said that SIL is going to tell MIL that they want to plan to spend a day with us during the visit...I told DD that if there is too much push back regarding this suggestion, she should figure out how to pay for her own ticket rather than being bought.  We'll see......hopefully MIL will cut them a little slack.       
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Pen on November 22, 2010, 11:21:23 PM
I'm glad progress is being made with your DD. You stood up for yourself and DD finally listened - I'm in awe. You've taught me a great lesson, Nonamehere. I hope your DD's MIL learns something, too.

Your DD is capable of being a thoughtful young woman; how sweet of her to go ahead and invite the GMs even though her MIL wanted them excluded. You can be proud of the child you raised.

Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: LaurieS on November 22, 2010, 11:30:54 PM
Quote from: nonamehere on November 22, 2010, 08:55:25 PMDD is no match for her MIL and I think her DH is just a typical man.....I'm glad I've come around to this way of thinking because I hated being so aggravated with DD and SIL.   DD said that SIL is going to tell MIL that they want to plan to spend a day with us during the visit...I told DD that if there is too much push back regarding this suggestion, she should figure out how to pay for her own ticket rather than being bought.  We'll see......hopefully MIL will cut them a little slack.       
I may have read more into what you are trying to say, but it sounds to me that you have been able to shift the blame/responsibility 100% onto the MIL, especially in your own eyes.  While the MIL may have presented an offer full of unnecessary requirements, the fact still remains that your dd and her husband jumped at the opportunity.  When you say that your daughter is no match for her MIL, I as an outsider feel that the boxing gloves have been donned by you and battle lines already drawn. Here they are the first holidays as a married couple and this is what they are facing?

It's comforting to hear that your sil is concerned about his wife spending time with her own family regardless of the health challenges facing her grandparents.  He sounds like a reasonable and balanced person and that your dd is rightfully his prime concern.  But all that could change if he feels like he has to constantly defend his own mother when it comes to you.

Once again, as an outsider simply reading your postings, I see a resentment towards his mother that has been ongoing for about a year.  I'm not saying that you are right or wrong.. I'm saying that it's there, loud and clear and unless you want to have years and years of holiday battles, you may need to alter your attitude or approach concerning this woman. Your dd nor her husband deserve to dread every holiday for the rest of their lives, knowing that one of you will be angry.

The responsibility of their relationship with both extended families lies solely with the young couple.  The last thing this couple needs is someone who is encouraging them that it's acceptable to shift blame and responsibility when they in fact are the ones who agreed to such a ludicrous plan.

I always try to keep in mind, it's not about equal time, but quality time.  In the reading of your post something that struck me as odd was when you justified the kids spending both Thanksgiving and Christmas with you due to the fact that plans had been made previous to their August engagement.  Are you stating that you made plans as early as July and they could not be altered?  Was this how your dd wanted to approach the holidays as a newly engaged woman? 

The only thing I'm suggesting is that you don't go into battle with your sil's mother... it's not worth it, nor will you benefit in the end.  Making her the bad guy to justify what your dd is choosing isn't the answer either... at 26ish she should be able to navigate with her husband on their own.


Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: 1Glitterati on November 23, 2010, 12:44:17 PM
Quote from: Pen on November 21, 2010, 10:39:37 PM
Quote from: 1Glitterati on November 21, 2010, 02:25:20 PM
...If your daughter wants to see you, and isn't---don't blame her husband.  Blame her.  She isn't standing up for herself.  Your daughter has the choice to see you.  She can't be made to not see you.  Yes...she can have to deal with pouting and whining and likely passive aggressiveness from her mil and likely her dh when her mil whines to him about it...but she has the choice to see you if she really wants it.

When I went to visit my DF & his wife, I asked beforehand if they would mind me spending a day with a dear old friend who had moved across the country to their area. DF & SM knew I hadn't seen in person in years and how much it meant to me to squeeze in a quick visit. SM said she'd be happy to drive me to a car rental agency nearby (they're really rural.) I made travel plans and my friend cleared her work schedule as well as made reservations for us with a guide for some touristy-type fun. At the very last minute, literally, SM informed me that the only car rental was 2 hours away (I later found that was untrue) & that she and DF refused to drive me that far. There were no other modes of transportation available to me. It was impossible for me to visit my friend.

Big time sabotage!! I had to call and cancel which hurt my friend's feelings and created a big hassle with the tour company.

My point is that some people are so crafty in their manipulations that they will actually make it impossible for us to see those we love. I'm pretty smart; I thought I had it planned and sewn up, but I forgot who I was dealing with. Nonamehere, your daughter may be dealing with a master manipulator like my SM. Since your DD is young and in a subordinate position, she may feel she can't fight it.

I also agree that your DD is being bought. My DS is in a similar situation and it breaks my heart. I feel for you all!

Pen...I think that is awful.  It amazes me that people like that retain family and friends.  I guess this is where the hard and cold me comes in...that'd be enough for me to run for the hills.
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: luise.volta on November 23, 2010, 03:42:48 PM
Me, too!!!  :(
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Pen on November 23, 2010, 03:56:24 PM
Yes, unfortunately she makes all the decisions for my DF so I feel someone needs to kind of look out for him. She's done way more that's worse than that story...and she's invited herself and DF for Christmas!
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: luise.volta on November 23, 2010, 03:59:36 PM
What are you going to do about that?  :o
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Pooh on November 23, 2010, 04:51:43 PM
I want to hear that too.
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: nonamehere on November 23, 2010, 07:49:32 PM
Laurie,
Yes our holiday plans were made in the summer.  We usually travel at the holidays as it is one of the few times that we can all do this together due to work and school schedules.  The last two years, DD has had a job that would not permit the travel and not wishing to be left behind, DD expressed her sadness about the possibility that we would make the trips without her.  As a result, we all agreed early on that we would pass on annual out-of-state family visits and Christmas ski trip to spend that time together, with DD who had to stay in town.  Friends and family were disappointed that we had decided to pass the last couple of years on the the Thanksgiving/Christmas travel, but we are a close family and that was the deal. 

And yes, I absolutely resent that MIL would suggest, stipulate and imply that DD be within driving distance of hearth and home for twelve days and not visit.  Believe me, I blame/d DD and SIL, but I can also see that MIL has exhibited many behaviors that would make DD think twice before taking a stand.   

 
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: LaurieS on November 23, 2010, 11:06:35 PM
Is she incapable of making a stance or is she choosing not to?  All I know is that if the war is starting now, then it will continue into the future.  I know my own son has enough pressure and stress in his life, just trying to start a new life with his wife that to much added outside pressure would probably not end in a favorable manner.

Quote from: nonamehere on November 23, 2010, 07:49:32 PM
but we are a close family and that was the deal. 
Like you, maybe this is how the mil is viewing her offer of supplying the gift of a trip. Is it possible that she is saying that this was the deal, so the end result is justified?

I would hate to see a young couples lives turn into a tugging match, and worse yet to have their mothers shooting barbs at each other especially when it's being done through their own adult children.  Your dd is aware of your feelings, maybe if you stepped back she would come to realize that her needs and desires are not being taken into account by her mil.  Working through differences with her new mil is something that only she and her husband can do and only if they choose to. Trust your daughter to make the right decisions for herself and I'm sure she will.  But this isn't your fight and I would use great caution because there could be hard feelings for years.   
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Tara on November 24, 2010, 08:00:46 AM
Good point Laurie,  If Nonamehere you 'carry all the feelings' then your DD doesn't have to.  But if you
pull back, she will have an opportunity to digest whats happened and how she feels
about it on a deeper level. 

Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Pen on November 24, 2010, 11:38:52 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on November 23, 2010, 03:59:36 PM
What are you going to do about that?  :o

They're coming; apparently the plans were set before we were informed. We'll make them as comfortable as possible w/o going bankrupt or disrupting our lives too much. SM's list of requirements will be met with some small adjustments due to logistics. I'm practicing my best smile and generic, non-committal comments. Previous WWU suggestions re: escape hatches are definitely going to be used!
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: LaurieS on November 24, 2010, 11:55:53 AM
Wine Pen.. don't forget the wine
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: luise.volta on November 24, 2010, 03:34:39 PM
Sending love...
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Pen on November 29, 2010, 08:11:09 AM
Thanks everyone. Now that Thanksgiving is over we can really concentrate on the "big" holidays, whichever they may be. Blessings of the season be upon you.

I received a cosmic smack upside my head a couple of days ago when I injured myself by walking into something in my living room that was out of place due to a project of DH's. I'm not sure I'll be able to get all the chores done on my list before critical SM & DF show up, let alone the basic things in home and at work. Perhaps the universe is trying to tell me something? Can I handle having a less-than-perfect house (and trust me, it is!) or am I so vain and self-involved that I'll ruin the season for DH & DDD by expecting them to help with a million projects that really don't matter? I mean, as long as things are clean and tidy, I've put a little effort into seasonal decor, and the food is edible and maybe even tasty, what else is there to worry about?

DH has been saying I'm futilely trying to impress DIL/SM. Since there is no way to do so unless I win a big ol' lottery, I might as well be myself and stop the insanity (anyone remember Susan Powter?) I'm sure DH & DDD will appreciate it!
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: luise.volta on November 29, 2010, 12:18:59 PM
I still have Susan Powter's "Stop the Insanity!" workout! Kirk transferred it from VHS to DVD for me! :-)) And as soon as I get my feet operated on this Wed. (OH... NO...THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW!,) I may just get back to it. Or I may rejoin Curves come January 1 because I get two-thirds off with my new medi-gap insurance.

Resolutions anyone?
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: luise.volta on November 29, 2010, 09:05:47 PM
My toenails, genetically, are curved and it gets worse with age until they grow into the flesh and are constantly infected and painful. I'm having four done at once. They remove 1/3 of the nail and then kill the roots with a powerful chemical. The recovery is pretty intense for the first two or three weeks because what you have are deep chemical burns that ooze and swell but after that is PEACE! :-)

When my surgeon said "It just gets worse with age/" I said..."Tell me what doesn't!"  ;D ;D Younger people can have it done with Novocaine if it's only one toe but four being done on someone 83 requires a general anesthetic.

So, please think of me Wed. Dec. 1, and the following three weeks. Thanks!  :D

I have had three surgeries in this last year, put my husband into nursing and moved! I am ready for a BORING 2011!!!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Pen on November 30, 2010, 07:09:06 AM
Yah, big OUCH. We'll be thinking of you, Luise. 2011 promises to be boring as can be :)
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: luise.volta on November 30, 2010, 07:15:29 AM
You guys are so great! Thanks! The title of this hijacked thread is "Christmas." Maybe I should be singing that old song, (modified,) "All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Feet..."  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Pen on November 30, 2010, 07:26:55 AM
Or "Luise, the Red-Toed Reindeer."
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: luise.volta on November 30, 2010, 07:36:44 AM
That's hilarious! My whole family is going to die laughing over that one!!!  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Pen on November 30, 2010, 07:38:11 AM
"...had some very painful toes..."
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Marilyn on November 30, 2010, 07:53:24 AM
You all crack me up ;D

Luise,wishing you a speedy recovery and a much more pleasant,enjoyable 2011
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: luise.volta on November 30, 2010, 08:04:09 AM
Thanks...I'm such a chicken.  :-[
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: luise.volta on November 30, 2010, 01:44:02 PM
Thanks you so much. I have really been down over it today. It's one thing too many for some reason.  :(
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: jill on November 30, 2010, 01:45:59 PM
Wishing you a speedy recovery.  Will you be up and about for Christmas?
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: LaurieS on November 30, 2010, 01:54:30 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on November 30, 2010, 01:44:02 PM
Thanks you so much. I have really been down over it today. It's one thing too many for some reason.  :(
Nawww you'll be fine and back on the eggnog before you know it.. wishing you well
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: luise.volta on November 30, 2010, 01:55:31 PM
I should be up and about in a few days.  :) There's just a lot of post-op care with ice bags and soaking in Epsom Salts, changing dressings....blah, blah, blah. Pain, swelling, "oozing". Don't worry about me...I'm the kind that always imagines the worst and then sails through everything.  ;) I'm just on a poor me kick today.
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: luise.volta on November 30, 2010, 01:56:34 PM
I love that Christmas stocking image, L.!
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: seasage on November 30, 2010, 03:47:35 PM
Dear Luise,

seasage has sent you a Jacquie Lawson electronic greeting.

Please click on the following link to see your card. If your e-mail program has not displayed this as a link, then please copy the following into the Address or Location bar of your Internet browser.

http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=2495978826658&source=jl999

Alternatively, please visit http://www.jacquielawson.com and select the Pick Up Card option in the menu. Then enter your card code, which is: 2495978826658
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: luise.volta on November 30, 2010, 03:55:58 PM
Oh, that was wonderful!  :D I just love her cards! Thank you!! (I feel better already!)
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Pen on November 30, 2010, 05:17:34 PM
"Epsom salts, swelling, pain, ice bags and boozing....
Sitting 'round chilling my toes as they're oozing....
Changing my dressings while Bing Crosby sings....
These are a few of my favorite things."

You know I love you, Luise - I'll be thinking of you tomorrow :) Best wishes on a speedy recovery!
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: luise.volta on November 30, 2010, 05:59:44 PM
Oh, Pen...you're something else! ;D ;D ;D

How about this?


THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS (Senior Version)


Maalox and nose drops and needles for knittin',
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittin's,
Bundles of magazines tied up with string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,]
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the "pipes" leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
Then I remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad!

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food nor food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames
When we remember our favorite "Thangs,".

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grown dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad!!!!!
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Pen on November 30, 2010, 06:34:06 PM
Oh, that's priceless, Luise. I can definitely check off a few things from the list, and more as every season passes.
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: luise.volta on November 30, 2010, 07:47:51 PM
We learned that in our chorus here and sang it for the community at one of our programs!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: luise.volta on December 01, 2010, 07:48:55 AM
Here I go....
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: LaurieS on December 01, 2010, 07:50:03 AM
You'll do fine... and then you'll get to be waited on hand and 'foot'
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: luise.volta on December 01, 2010, 07:52:08 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Christmas
Post by: Nana on December 01, 2010, 09:53:21 PM
My best wishes for you Louise.....
Love you