March 28, 2024, 08:12:28 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - fantine

1
Quote from: Pooh on February 28, 2014, 10:01:17 AM
People that are that disrespectful, family or not, are not deserving of your time.  Yes, the GC issue stinks and I get so tired of hearing how the GC are used as weapons, but that speaks of her behavior, not yours.

Pooh, as always, you are on the mark. Thanks for the reminders. Seems like no matter how often I hear it, the message never gets old or loses its punch.

Thanks again and welcome to our newbie. :)
2
CP, your thoughts were like a dozen white roses delivered to my door. Thanks so much for your positivity. I truly don't know where to turn now, but your comments have helped me in my attempt to regain some sort of balance.
3
Thanks, CP.

Have you ever wondered --- "What next?" or "Why?" Both of these questions are going in and out of my head at warp speed.

And the worst of it is, I live in a part of the country that is known for medical excellence. However, I know that DS and DH would never agree for him to come here for any help he needs. Doing so would be proof (in their minds) that I can actually contribute something to DS's well-being and am actually a worthy member of society. And we sure can't let me get *that* notion in my head! --snark!--   >:(
4
Thanks, Pen. I'm truly lost inside my own head right now. We will know more next Wed after his drs appt. Till then, I'm trying to process this.  :(
5
Thank you. I"m stunned right now . .. . .  I don't even know how to begin processing this . . .. . . He hasn't lived with me since 2010, and that in itself has been difficult enough, but now with this, and realizing that it very well could impact his quality of life ---- it's just an awful lot to work through.
6
Ladies:

Looking for much needed support. Just txted and called my 19-y-o son DS last night on a whim. He was surprisingly glad to hear from me, then I discovered why. He apparently has a degenerative illness that seems to be related to Lou Gehrig's (ie, atrophy in the limbs) This will shorten his life and has already caused him to give up some physical activities he loves.

Of course, I am inconsolable and terribly confused.  :'(
Fantine
7
oh cool, Pooh! Thx!

And Maddiemoo:  "I can do nothing right, and it is getting tiring. Not sure how much longer I can reach out.  I really think she enjoys my pain." --- I hear you! I feel that way as well, especially w/TG looming next week. I haven't heard from my kid since early Sept --- a voice mail because of my birthday  --- but otherwise, silence.

I definitely think my DS enjoys my pain too. It's a power trip for him, I believe.
8
Welcome, LM . . . :) So glad to have another sister join our fold. :) Keep posting and sharing your valuable insight with us! You offer a lot of strength and comfort, and I hope that in some small way, we are able to reflect that back to you as well. :)
9
"If someone would ask me if I have an amicable relationship with my son, I guess I would say yes, just because we sometimes act   like we do..." --- oh, absolutely, Foot! And I'll be the first to admit, I lie my face off when someone asks me how my relationship is w/DS! Esp. since I have only lived in this town for 15 mos and no one here knows my history, there's no way I'm going into all the background of who/what/when/where/why . . . I work hard to keep my professional and personal lives separate.

And here's another thing --- one of the support people at my place of employment said that her DH routinely calls his mother the B word. (And this wife, my colleague, who is about 15 years younger than me, has told me in the past that her DH has a very strained relationship w/the mother.) When she repeated this fact yet again last week because she would not pay their cell phone *and* car insurance (the couple is right at 30 and have been on their own for a number of years), I told her I would have a hard time sharing a bed with a man who would talk that way about his own mother. She said it was a complex relationship, which I'm sure it is (and it *always* is!), but unless the mother is Joan Crawford, I'm going to bat for the mom. No mother deserves that.
10
"In my case, it's simply a conscious decision they have made to not include my side of the family. " Same here, pooh.

"Another theory is that our AC have to all work, normally both parents, and they have so much to do raising their kids, making their marriages work, keeping their finances in order, etc that they do not want to take the time and/or do not have the energy to involve their parents in their lives." This is an excuse. You make time for people and things in your life that are important to you, whether that's NFL, FB, shopping, travel, whatever. You'll *find* the time if it's important.

And I don't want this to come off as braggadocious, but I also feel the need to counter the argument that:  "After all many have more education than their parents and do not really fit in with their friends." I have a terminal degree --- the chances that my kid is going to best me in the education department is impossible. If my DS dislikes my friends, which he does, it's simply because he doesn't like being around thinkers. I know this is true because he's said so. Sadly, I have also seen a number of my colleagues who have been in the same situation.

Further, this line of thinking directly refutes the very notion of loyalty and love. My parents barely have three years of college between them. We don't have a lot in common, but I still love them and stay in touch with them as much as possible. Why can I do it but my kid can't? Simple. I choose to, and he chooses *not* to.

LMLMN, please know that none of this is an attack on you. I know you are just presenting theories for us to dissect and discuss, and thank you very much for that! It's just I (and probably many of us here) have heard these excuses a thousand times. They don't hold water and it's time that we call them out for what they are: garbage. :(
11
Footloose,

I had to LOL at your opening sentence! :)) What a mental image!

You made a number of important comments and I thank you for sharing your ideas and thoughts with all of us. I was intrigued by your sentence that read: "I always thought we were close but only when I was able to follow her lead and be a push over" It reminded me of a couple of friendships I have had with women (not family) who also behaved this way. Interesting.

"I still am disappointed that the future family I expected doesn't look to be a possibility but keep hope that I will reconnect on my positive terms with these people.  If it never happens, I have trust that it is in my best interest." I am currently tangling with this realization myself. It's an ongoing and painful process, but if I honestly look at where I was in 2010, when DS moved out, I'm in a much better place now. Not healed by any definition of the word, but I'm doing a lot better than I was. Progress. Still a long way to go, but my nadir is definitely in my rearview mirror.

"I would NOT chose to be friends with a good number of my dysfunctional FOO." Truer words have never been spoken. Interestingly, the whole dynamic of familial obligations is a strange one. For many, such as my DS and other AC who are represented here, it's a license to treat parents (read: mothers) like garbage. Yet with friendships, it can sometimes be easier to make the break, as there is no blood tie. Still painful, but can be done.

Foot, keep sharing with us!
Fantine
12
Footloose ---

Have you actually used this talking point with your AC? If so, what kind of reaction did you get?

Fantine
13
Wow! I have never heard that Billy Graham quote before. Fantastic!

However, I would make one amendment to it. I"m not convinced that parents allow their children to be disrespectful. No matter how much of a kerfuffle we make and do everything in the world to implore better treatment, the DC make a conscious decision about how they are going to behave towards us.
14
I don't think there is a single person here who would have chosen this hellish situation. However, I think we find ways to cope. I've been dreading the upcoming holidays for quite some time. I've decided that I am going to send DS a TG card. Then if the silence continues, I'll send him an x-mas card w/a little gift card to whatever thing --- iTunes or whatever --- and just call it done. I've made my holiday plans and they do not include him.
15
"while I will always love them, I have lost affection for them - if that makes sense. " ---- makes absolute sense to me. However, I've lost some of that love --- any person who can treat me this way does not deserve my love. I admit it, and if that makes me a bad person, then I can accept that. But it's the honest truth and I'm not going to deny it any longer.