March 28, 2024, 08:39:50 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - mom58

1
To answer your first question........Yes, I would be upset if my only daughter decided that she didn't want to have children.  My ds and dil have a little one that I love to pieces, but as a mil, alot of us have to take a back seat when it comes to dil's that become new moms.  With a daughter, atleast with my daughter, I know my help would be welcome anytime, and she's already told me, if she decides to have children, she will need me to help out so her and her husband can take vacations.  (she said this in a funloving way).  However, if her and her dh decided that they didn't want children, I would respect their decision.

As far as your mother wanting to have a relationship with you even though she was awful to you in your younger days, it's probably her way of admitting she was wrong.  It sounds like she has very oldfashioned views when it comes to male/female roles, and, she was probably raised the same way.  Perhaps she has evolved, or sees the relationships other women have with their dd's and wishes the same.  Sometimes when people know better, they do better.  I hope you eloped because you wanted to and not just to get away from her.  Did you want a small wedding maybe but you eloped because you knew she would make it impossible?  Some of your resentment toward her may stem from this.  Just be certain that not wanting children, has nothing to do with her.  It should be about your preferences as a married couple,  that's all.

I know there are parents out there that are not the greatest, and that's an understatement.  If it's possible for your health,and happiness,  try to keep the door slightly open.  We never know what the future holds and you don't want to have any regrets later in life.  You sound very close to your Dad, and atleast if the door is a little bit open, he won't be in the middle feeling terrible that his wife can't make it right with his daughter, and his daughter wants out of his wife's life.  Ultimately, you matter, so do your best to take care of you.  Hope I helped a little bit.
2
Hi fop,

Misspriss had some good advice.  I wish some mil's new how lucky they were.  Letting this mess put a damper on your special day will only mean she succeeded.  You and your fiance sound like a nice couple and you deserve your special day surrounded by the love of family and friends who support you and want to share in your happiness.

  My dil didn't involve me in any of the wedding plans.  I felt hurt and left out, but she had my son tell me that "I have my own daughter and I could plan her wedding when the time came, this is something she wanted to do with her mom".  I graciously stepped back, but I did write them a nice cheque to help pay for the wedding and also paid for half the cost of the bridal shower. but............that's another story.

Like your fiance said,"you're my mother and I love you, we'll work it out".  He is hurting.  Just continue to support him, love him, and don't speak against his mom.  Believe it or not, even if she is evil, it's hurtful for him to hear it from someone else.  How wonderful that your parents embrace him.  This may be a jealousy thing for his mom too.  She sounds like a woman with alot of pain/issues.  Unfortunately, it sounds like she may have rubbed off on her daughter too

As you start your new life together, remember to enjoy your wedding day.  You won't get to "redo" it.  Enjoy each other and all the firsts that you will experience as husband and wife.  You have a wonderful family, and you, bless your heart, have tried to include his family.  Now let it go.  If it's meant to work out, it will  We can't control other people's action.

Wishing you love and happiness!
3
Thanks everyone for your views and your support.  It's true, it's difficult when there's no compromise, but after this time , I've decided that as long as I see my grandbaby and my ds, then that is the best I can hope for.  And that will make me happy.  I really hoped that dil and I could atleast be friends, not that I wanted to crowd in on her and her mom, I just wanted to be part of her life .  My dh says she will need me someday.  I don't think so.  She seems to have everything she needs in her family.  We do split holidays up, like they are with her family on christmas eve, so we have christmas day, but again, they have to leave by a certain time because they are going to her family again.  So you see, we never really have a holiday where it's just them spending the time with us.  I suppose there are people worse off than we are and if we do get to spend some time together then it's better than no time at all, and I am grateful for that.  I also decided after this "drama episode", that I will not be trampled on.  I matter.  I was a very good mother and I gave my heart and soul to my children.  Their father was absent for their early childhood because he worked alot of hours, and had a gambling problem.  After the divorce it was just us for 8 years, before I married my current dh.  My life wasn't easy, but I was always grateful that I had my children.  I think that some moms get a bad rap, and that mil's definitely get one.  Their is already the "stigma" and the bad reputation that a mil has.  I thought that if I was kind, and minded my own business, didn't interfere, asked to visit instead of just showing up, helped when asked, etc., that I would be ok.  So you can imagine how this has shaken me and I'm left thinking , "what the heck is going on?"  I suppose it will remain a mystery, this "thing" that I did or said.  I have a life, and I'm going to do my best to enjoy and be grateful for what I do have.  That's that!
4
I was so happy that my ds came over on mother's day with the little grandbaby.  My dd was already here visiting from out of town and she told me he was coming so we could all have dinner together.  But honestly,  I kind of mentally prepared myself for a phone call citing some excuse that he wouldn't be able to make it, or come but not bring the baby, or stop in but not be able to stay long.  All these things went thru my head, and I thought to myself, whatever happens , I can't control it so I may as well just go with whatever it is.  My dh had  left early in the morning to visit my mil who lives 2 hrs. from us.  I decided to go out and spend the first part of the day doing relaxing things that I like to do.  I visited my mom at the cemetary, missing her wisdom and thought about what advice she would offer, went to some nurseries to look at the plants and flowers , did a bit of shopping, then came home and relaxed a bit.

I had texted my dil early in the day wishing her a happy first mothers day.  To my surprise, she replied 4 hrs later with thanks, you too.  First I've heard in 3 weeks, but I was glad to hear.  It also gave me hope that I would see my ds.  I didn't question the behaviour of the past 3 weeks, or the whys/whats/ etc.,  Instead , I focused on the fact that I had my children with me on mothers day, and my grandbaby, and thanked God, and my mother for it.  I told them how happy I was to have them with me and we just enjoyed a nice dinner and some time together.  Not sure what will happen next as far as any dialogue with dil or what the future holds with being a part of their lives, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
5
It was suggested that I read what you wrote.  I don't know what mother's day will hold (tomorrow).  Thank God I have my daughter visiting from out of town.  Hope to see ds and family.  Not holding my breath.  Well, yes I am. I think he will show, we've always had a very strong bond,hopefully, that will continue.  Really miss the grandbaby:(

I found this sight because I was looking for answers/help/support.  Hope I find something here for me.  Any comments on my post, "not sure what happened", are welcome.

Thanks everyone, and I hope you all have the best mother's day possible.
6
My son and dil, have been married for almost 2 yrs. and lived together for 2 yrs before that.  She's always favoured being with her family for occasions and reading alot of stuff tells me that is common behaviour for many dil's.  Thinking back I remember that I would have rather been with my family, but my mom was always the one who pointed out that I should spend time with his family because it was the right thing to do.  My mil was awful to me, and used me alot, but I never would have treated her the way I am being treated.  I also vowed that I would be a good mil when my time came.

My dil and her mom are best friends.  I was left out of bridal shower and wedding planning, even though I contributed financially to the wedding and paid for half the shower.  I had some input into the baby shower (I'm a new grandma) but I wasn't allowed to have more than 10 people because she wanted to keep it small.  As a result, I didn't invite my cousins because I would have been over the "10", so I had a total of 5 people attend including myself( there were about 30).  I paid for half the bill.

Fast forward, the baby is born.  I take a back seat because I'm the mil.  I never dropped by unannounced, I call ahead to ask when I can visit.  Brought homecooked meals and groceries over to their home for the first month or so, helped with the housework, etc.,  I offered to go stay with the baby so she can get out of the house.  She takes the opportunity to spend the time with her mom shopping, having lunch , taking yoga classes, etc.,  I don't mind because it gives me time with that little bundle of joy.

Holidays are spent with her family, and we get a little time slotted in.  This past easter, (I host easter every year), I invited her parents, brother and his girlfriend.  It was baby's first easter so I thought it would be nice if we all had it together, and, since her family was here , she wouldn't want to rush off like she always does to be with her family.  I was wrong.  I had barely finished putting the food away after dinner, and she announced that her and the baby, as well as her parents , were leaving.  Her mother and her had been having conversations in their language here and there.  They always do this.  I think it's rude since they both speak very good english, but I let it go.  Her and her mother decided it was time to go home.  Baby had napped, was changed and happy, and fed.  She used the excuse that the baby was fussy.  My son asked her not to go.  I practically begged them to stay. I had all kinds of desserts and fruit to serve after dinner with coffee, but they declined.  I was very hurt.  I walked them to the door and thanked them for coming and reiterated that I wish they'd stayed for dessert and coffee.  After they left, I sat on the porch and cried.  I work full time and had worked so hard to make a big meal for all of us and make the holiday special.  My son said he would have a talk with her.  I asked him not to say anything because I didn't want to come between him and his wife.  Well............he must have said something because neither one of them have talked to me in almost 3 weeks.  I texted and phoned her, but she doesn't reply.  I did the same with my son.  No reply.  Just that they're "busy".  Not sure how to proceed.  Do I apologize to her for God knows what?  Go over there and ask if I can come in so we can smooth things over?    My heart feels like its breaking.  And to you dil's out there, if you're going to reply, your help or insight is appreciated, but please remember that one day you too may be a mil, and also ask yourselves, if this was your mother, would you want your husband to treat her this way?