Well I'm now so concerned about the outlook for my DD. Now she is a new mother of a 3 week old that literally nurses all day and she plans to start pumping in another week or so to give her a break . My last visit she did want to "make a break " for it to a fast food drive through to get some " bad food " as she called it . She says her only outing of the day is to the mailbox with GS as he has been gassy and fussy. I had wanted to be there for her more than I am but due to her DH( read past posts of his attitude to us and controlling nature of things) I have only gone up for day trips ( 70 miles away). I'm seriously thinking about spending the night this week as she has asked me or I'm sure wonders why I've not as i use to all the time . I've not felt comfortable or that I'm emotionally ready for him to be rude to me again but now I'm so much better for her sake I think i can handle it . My real concern is that she is so out going now she is sitting in a recliner all day with this little one that nurses all the time except for small 10-15 "snaps" right on pillow next to her . She can't really call anyone as her minutes are not free till after 7 and weekends but that is when he is home so reading between the lines , before baby and after the big wedding reception mess , she doesn't call home unless in car and not in front of him. We use to talk everyday on her way home from work but that is when she was taking care of her phone bill so if she went over it didn't' matter but now he is doing it and her last bill was 30.00 over ( as I'm sure because she was calling me prior to her free time during the week ) and he had a fit over the 30.00. So now she text me all the time and I don't' have free text so mine is really going over but I just don't want to not hear from her at all , as it is the only time we talk to each other is when I'm there and that is so hard for both of us as she will say she misses hearing my voice and we need to set a time for calling but with the baby she has her hands full and a DH that is controlling her and especially contact with us . So I feel lost as to how to be supportive and not to lose contact with her but not talking to each other is hard on both of us . We have agreed we hate emailing and texting but I'm stuck as to what I can do . I don't' want to do anything that will make a problem between them but hate seeing my DD being taken over by a controlling DH.
I am sorry you are struggling with these issues. Your son in law sounds like a prize. Hope new babe gets better as far as being fussy and such. Does DD know for sure if she is having enough milk for baby? Perhaps she could find a way to know (pump) to see, maybe this is why the continuous nursing??? I dislike texting as well! But since you cannot speak except for after 7 etc, can you purchase unlimited texting cheaper ? I think our plan has it unlimited for like $20 a month or so. Glad your DD is communicating with you though! J
AL, I would be concerned as well. Isolation is one of the signs of abuse, I've heard. Perhaps your SIL means no harm & simply has social anxiety or whatever, but the result (your DD's unhappiness) is the same. I hope you can visit and find out what's going on; and I hope it's just a bunch of misunderstandings that can be resolved. If not, I hope your DD is safe & happy soon.
Hello ArtLady, Why don't you Skype? It's a free download and it's free anywhere in the world computer to computer. You can see each other and chat. Can't complain about free! Just a thought ...
To me, 3 weeks at home with a nursing newborn isn't really isolation - from what I remember (long ago), just getting the nursing going, changing diapers and getting enough sleep filled the day.
I don't think it's a good idea for you to go spend the night with the intense dislike you have for her husband.
Why not buy her a phone with some prepaid minutes on it? You can reload it as needed and she can call during the day. Or like Invisimom said, Skyping is free and easy.
Quote from: Pen on February 19, 2012, 10:53:38 AM
AL, I would be concerned as well. Isolation is one of the signs of abuse, I've heard. Perhaps your SIL means no harm & simply has social anxiety or whatever, but the result (your DD's unhappiness) is the same. I hope you can visit and find out what's going on; and I hope it's just a bunch of misunderstandings that can be resolved. If not, I hope your DD is safe & happy soon.
WE changed plans awhile back and I did have that but to save money we cut back on some of the plan. we still have landline that we can talk anytime anywhere but these young adults use the cell for everything. Now if she is going to be home alone she needs that also. She is a very outgoing person with lots of friends and he has only one or two that he ever does anything with when he does something which is not often. These young folks though use email and cells so much more than my generation ( will be 60 in March). I just know that if she could she would be calling just to chat as being away from folks is something she is not use to but she it being so patient and good with the baby . His plans of getting her to quit work might backfire as she is getting a real taste of how it might be not sure what will happen with that. We do enjoy our time and she loves the fact she can get out of the house with me in the back seat since he is still fussy ( colicky).
Quote from: InvisiMom on February 19, 2012, 02:25:34 PM
Hello ArtLady, Why don't you Skype? It's a free download and it's free anywhere in the world computer to computer. You can see each other and chat. Can't complain about free! Just a thought ...
I can certainly check on that to see for me how to do it and if that is a way she can talk also, if she can use the laptop or will she have to go in the office to sit at the desk with the baby to do it . Thanks for the idea then she can talk to both DH and myself at the same time.
Quote from: JaneF on February 19, 2012, 10:03:45 AM
I am sorry you are struggling with these issues. Your son in law sounds like a prize. Hope new babe gets better as far as being fussy and such. Does DD know for sure if she is having enough milk for baby? Perhaps she could find a way to know (pump) to see, maybe this is why the continuous nursing??? I dislike texting as well! But since you cannot speak except for after 7 etc, can you purchase unlimited texting cheaper ? I think our plan has it unlimited for like $20 a month or so. Glad your DD is communicating with you though! J
Oh I think she is giving him plenty of milk as it is running down his face and the fact that he is a good nurser as he is pretty steady at it and she plans to pump as soon as she finds the time he is not nursing . The other day in joking she said she guess she would get up in the middle of the night but she was kidding. She nursed a lot so I understand but I do think he is doing more than her. LOL Her ped told her that she would feel like a big boob the first month but that would change so I'm hoping for her but too I think he soothes himself by nursing which is understandable for this gassy coloick maybe.Son in law is a prize but he use to be so different before wedding and so we are still hoping the old one returns but so far haven't seen him
Quote from: Doe on February 19, 2012, 05:15:27 PM
To me, 3 weeks at home with a nursing newborn isn't really isolation - from what I remember (long ago), just getting the nursing going, changing diapers and getting enough sleep filled the day.
I don't think it's a good idea for you to go spend the night with the intense dislike you have for her husband.
Why not buy her a phone with some prepaid minutes on it? You can reload it as needed and she can call during the day. Or like Invisimom said, Skyping is free and easy.
I can do either the Skype or the prepaid phone , whichever suits her the best I will more than gladly do . This is a special time between mother's and daughters as most of the time the mother is there to listen, help or do whatever for the daughter to ease any hard times or help make it easier. I well know the nursing part as she was a all day nurser and slept all night from the first day home ( 11_7a.m.) so I'm well aware but I could lay her down for a few hour naps that she can't do with him. He will fall asleep on the nursing pillow but if she moves him to swing or bassinet he will cry in about 5-10 minutes. So he loves sleeping in her arms or on the pillow which is fine at this age but she wants to be able to do things besides sit in the recliner from 7:30a.m til 10 or so pm , she would like to go to grocery or out but she can't as he fusses off and on during the whole ride so she doesn't want to do it alone ( that is why i ride in the back now that she has been released to drive ) The sleep is want bothers me she is not getting sleep during the day and I pray for her that soon he gets more naps during the day for her own sake and health .Oh I've been spending the night before with no problem but not since the baby as he wanted two weeks with no visitors , then he went back to work 4 days after baby got home and she was not able to drive. So since the baby I'm treading lightly on the spending the night although she has asked me to do so. Oh we are as nice to him as we were before the wedding and have never changed how we treat him, so i don't' think he has any idea how we feel , he is the one that acts like a jack leg. For her sake we would never be ugly or rude to him we Love her too much.
Thanks for all the ideas and I'll certainly look into them. I think the little fella is on a growth spurt as he weighed 6lbs 9 oz , lost to 6 lbs and now is back to 6lbs 11 oz last week so he is catching up. I"m so proud of her as she is so easy and patient with him so as the doc said in a month she will be able to see the fruits of her labor and feel good about it . She is almost there and the pumping will start this week or next ( by doc suggestions) . Now days they don't go back for another 2 months after all the check ups the first week or so . Things are sooooooooo different than before . Once she pumps then she can give baby and bottle to Sil to help as she is trying since she has several things she has committed to go to for a friends wedding coming up very soon. Everyone says go be with her regardless be there for her and continue to treat him the same as always because we don't want to ever close the door for her as she might need us in the future more than ever. I think our worst fear is that she quits her job as he wants her to do, she has a excellent job with great pay , benefits and retirement ( state job) He works for a private company based from overseas. He wants her to stay home because his mother stayed home( wanted to stay home ) until his dad quit his job then went from job to job,so she could no longer do things with her boys and he still resents his dad for his mother working . Everything from all the tributes at the wedding to his mom, using moms first name for middle name of baby, missing her and daughter feels so sorry for him, we all miss our love ones and I miss my mom who died at 65 and I was 32 but i know she is in a better place and pain free. Something is unanswered here and the closure after 11 almost 12 years is not there . We have been very supportive , I"ve told him before they got married that I could never take the place of his mom and would never try to but that I hoped I could be the best MIL and be there for him as mother would be anytime he needed me to be . WE have reached out so far our arms r like strings from extensions . WE just hope she keeps her job with the economy and the fact she will be totally dependent on him , as he relives his mother's wishes through our DD. Nothing against stay at home moms ( she wants to do it once they have a second one as then it will be expensive) and there are lots of great moms that work also . She has found several sitting solutions so I know she is leaning toward going back to work but since he is the big salary person who knows who will win this one . I'll see her this week but I'm not going to discuss any of my thoughts she has too much on her plate right now and I want her to enjoy this special time as they grow up to darn fast. I can just vent and worry with you gals. Thanks
I'm with Doe artlady. I know you want what's best for her, but I had a fussy baby that only slept in 5 minute incraments and ate constantly. This went on for months! I was miserable, lonely, frustrated and tried to give him to the garbage man one day I was so out of it. Lack of sleep, isolation, anxiety....drove me to it. Seriously, the garbage man looked at me and said, "Mam', we can't take that." I truly did and I wouldn't have really did it, but I was going over the edge. I would call my Mom crying, venting, mad at my DH because he wasn't helping....etc. She was my only contact with the outside world because I didn't have time to talk to friends on the phone or visit....I was busy and I knew Mom would be supportive. It was isolation, but it was self-imposed isolation because I was at my wit's end. It eventually straightened out, but boy was that a rough time for me. I was always outgoing and became a hermit during that time, luckily for everyone else, because I was not fit company and probably would have bit everyone's head off for nothing.
Just keep that in mind. She probably sees you as her safe haven to talk to right now, with no reprecussions. The best thing my Mom did for me was to listen, but not help much in the beginning. She would have in a heartbeat if I would have asked, but she knew I needed to learn too. She would come by and drop off a casserole, stay for just a bit and leave. When she could tell I was about to lose it, she would come over and let me sleep for a couple of hours. She had that perfect combination of helping but not doing.
Quote from: Pooh on February 21, 2012, 07:53:49 AM
I'm with Doe artlady. I know you want what's best for her, but I had a fussy baby that only slept in 5 minute incraments and ate constantly. This went on for months! I was miserable, lonely, frustrated and tried to give him to the garbage man one day I was so out of it. Lack of sleep, isolation, anxiety....drove me to it. Seriously, the garbage man looked at me and said, "Mam', we can't take that." I truly did and I wouldn't have really did it, but I was going over the edge. I would call my Mom crying, venting, mad at my DH because he wasn't helping....etc. She was my only contact with the outside world because I didn't have time to talk to friends on the phone or visit....I was busy and I knew Mom would be supportive. It was isolation, but it was self-imposed isolation because I was at my wit's end. It eventually straightened out, but boy was that a rough time for me. I was always outgoing and became a hermit during that time, luckily for everyone else, because I was not fit company and probably would have bit everyone's head off for nothing.
Just keep that in mind. She probably sees you as her safe haven to talk to right now, with no reprecussions. The best thing my Mom did for me was to listen, but not help much in the beginning. She would have in a heartbeat if I would have asked, but she knew I needed to learn too. She would come by and drop off a casserole, stay for just a bit and leave. When she could tell I was about to lose it, she would come over and let me sleep for a couple of hours. She had that perfect combination of helping but not doing.
So far Pooh I'm trying to do as your MOM, as they wanted the first two weeks with no visitors ( but she said that wasn't for me ) . I wish we could talk more as I feel she is going to be where you were , but he has sleep a few days lately during the day ( she let him sleep too long one of those days and he work up every 2-3 hours that night) and afternoon long enough for her to 'snap" and also get things done. Oh last time I went I took homemade soup( frozen) cooked dinner and made enough for leftovers for lunch the next day for her . This time I"ll make a breakfast casserole and pre=cut into squares so they can pop them out anytime. I'm letting her learn , if she needs me to do anything all she has to do is ask. I"m trying to keep a balance and that is why I feel it is very important for her to have a way to contact me during the day as most of her friends are at work, the others have kids at home they r taking care of so she is really cut off and I know she needs to talk to someone just for her own sanity from time to time . Lordy I hope she doesn't try to give him to the trash man. That is too funny ( now ) but I'm sure back then it was not a laughing matter . He does the 5 -10 minute incraments but is showing signs of breaks for naps. Thanks Pooh
It is funny now when I think about it, but I was desperate at the time and cried a bucket of tears that I even did it! Bless the poor trash man's heart. I'm sure he didn't know what to do with a crying, frazzeled 20 year old looking at him going, "Will you take him with you?" I had just walked outside with him trying to get him to quit crying when they pulled up. I blurted it out before thinking and regretted it afterwards. Which made me feel worse and I called my Mom crying and telling her what I did. She just laughed and laughed and said, "Honey, I promise...there will be many more times over the years you will want to give them away!" God love her....
Quote from: Pooh on February 21, 2012, 09:59:56 AM
It is funny now when I think about it, but I was desperate at the time and cried a bucket of tears that I even did it! Bless the poor trash man's heart. I'm sure he didn't know what to do with a crying, frazzeled 20 year old looking at him going, "Will you take him with you?" I had just walked outside with him trying to get him to quit crying when they pulled up. I blurted it out before thinking and regretted it afterwards. Which made me feel worse and I called my Mom crying and telling her what I did. She just laughed and laughed and said, "Honey, I promise...there will be many more times over the years you will want to give them away!" God love her....
Yoour mom sounds like what I'd tell my DD if she called and told me that, I can just visualize that scene and not even know you or what you look like but I bet you r not the only one in that situation that asked a complete stranger out of being so close to the "can you take this baby". Hey I think we all had moments that our babies almost drove us over the brink , I remember one 24 hours of crying as a new born that between me , my mom and dh all thought we were going to committ hary cary. It was bad formula as she was jaundice and i couldn't breast feed her when she first got home . Being a new mother I had no clue nor did any of the other two but you can bet your rear end we were at the doctors office when the doors opened
I remember going to a LLL meeting with my first newborn. A mother was there with 2 toddlers and an infant and I asked her about how she managed it. I remember saying that I was going to wait till he was older to get out to grocery stores, etc since it would be easier.
She stopped me right there and said it only gets easier the more you do it. Don't put if off! I got it that there was no 'making it easier' now that I was responsible 24/7 for another person - no one but my husband and myself were going to do it (our parents lived across the country). We got more skilled and more in control of the chaos that comes with babies. I totally agree with that mom's advice.
Babies don't come with directions and I'm sure we can all look back with horror at some of the things we did
as first Moms .
We know it gets better , but those first few weeks are scary .
I only wish I could have helped my DIL with my GD , I could see the baby wasn't getting any milk through
breast feeding and was getting more jaundiced as the days went on . I asked how often was she
feeding ....the gates of fury crashed around me and I spoke no more .
My GD spent three weeks without gaining an ounce , and I cried each day .
I eventually sent my DS pages of emailed information about jaundiced babies and not letting them
sleep too long as jaundice makes them unresponsive .
What the visiting nurse was thinking letting this go on I have no idea ....not my place to question !
They eventually fed my GD formula , thank God .
Worst three weeks of my life .
Just a taste of what was to come .
So some new Moms do need help , some welcome it some don't .
LL, I hear you. As a new mom way back in the day I appreciated any and all advice, taking the best and graciously leaving the rest. I figured the more love for my kids the better! But I know not all new moms/dads feel the same. And I made some goofy errors all on my own, lol.
It now seems funny but I think most of us mom have been at our wit ends at some time when we were raising our babies. I remember when I had my third child....she was so fussy and I just couldnt sleep or rest. I asked God to have some kind of a disease (without pain of course) and be driven to the Hospital....so that I could stay there 2 or 3 days sleeping and sleeping. All I wanted was to sleep. Once in a while my husband would take all the kids to McDonalds so that I could sleep some, but it was never enough.... they came back too soon lol.
Now I help my dil with the baby which a high maintenance baby whenever I have the time or when they ask. I know son and dil appreciate it. When I have the two older gcs sleeping over (3 and 5) in my house, dil and son joke saying that the baby want to stay with their siblings. It is hard staying with the three children because the older ones are very demanding of my time making it very hard for me to have the baby too. I just stay with the three when they asked me to.
Artlady... you are a good Mom and your daughter needs you.
Love you all
I think it's a little early to say your DD is being isolated. You should stay alert, but don't assume the worst. I think 95% of new moms who stay home with the infant are isolated. You're tired, probably worried about money, exhausted from lack of sleep and nursing, etc. Not a lot of opportunity to go out and about like you used to.
A lot of men are threatened/upset/bewildered by how much information women share - whether with their mom, sisters, friends. It might have been ok with SIL for his GF to discuss her finances with her parents or get their input on the car she wanted to buy or whatever. But it's no longer her finances or her car. It is theirs and he may not want his ILs having a say in their decisions. It may not be that he's doing a Jeckyll and Hyde transformation since the wedding. He may just be trying to establish firm boundaries.
I know the birth of a child can be a special time between mothers and daughters - it used to be that way exclusively since DHs were out hunting the mastadon or whatever - but in the past decades the focus has shifted to the specialness between the new mom and dad and baby. This may be another area that has your SIL uptight. He may sense how much you want to bond with your daughter and baby at this time, and feels he's getting pushed aside. And it doesn't matter how much actual time he is on sight versus you - it's the perception, not the reality that is important.
Of course, you could be 100% on target. Only time will tell.
Even with a baby doing the non-stop nursing thing (I had two of those), there are a lot of baby carriers that help you nurse in public with lots of privacy. I used a baby sling and often had people try to peek in to see the baby, not realizing what the baby was doing. With a little practice, she can take the baby out and nurse and not be embarrassed. It seems intimidating at first, but like another poster pointed out, it only gets easier if you practice.
You say your DD has lots of friends. Have they talked to her or come over? If so, I would be less inclined to view your SIL as trying to isolate your DD. If they haven't, try to find out why and maybe suggest your DD get some girl time with her friends.
Good Luck.
Quote from: herbalescapes on February 22, 2012, 05:13:43 AM
I think it's a little early to say your DD is being isolated. You should stay alert, but don't assume the worst. I think 95% of new moms who stay home with the infant are isolated. You're tired, probably worried about money, exhausted from lack of sleep and nursing, etc. Not a lot of opportunity to go out and about like you used to.
A lot of men are threatened/upset/bewildered by how much information women share - whether with their mom, sisters, friends. It might have been ok with SIL for his GF to discuss her finances with her parents or get their input on the car she wanted to buy or whatever. But it's no longer her finances or her car. It is theirs and he may not want his ILs having a say in their decisions. It may not be that he's doing a Jeckyll and Hyde transformation since the wedding. He may just be trying to establish firm boundaries.
I know the birth of a child can be a special time between mothers and daughters - it used to be that way exclusively since DHs were out hunting the mastadon or whatever - but in the past decades the focus has shifted to the specialness between the new mom and dad and baby. This may be another area that has your SIL uptight. He may sense how much you want to bond with your daughter and baby at this time, and feels he's getting pushed aside. And it doesn't matter how much actual time he is on sight versus you - it's the perception, not the reality that is important.
Of course, you could be 100% on target. Only time will tell.
Even with a baby doing the non-stop nursing thing (I had two of those), there are a lot of baby carriers that help you nurse in public with lots of privacy. I used a baby sling and often had people try to peek in to see the baby, not realizing what the baby was doing. With a little practice, she can take the baby out and nurse and not be embarrassed. It seems intimidating at first, but like another poster pointed out, it only gets easier if you practice.
You say your DD has lots of friends. Have they talked to her or come over? If so, I would be less inclined to view your SIL as trying to isolate your DD. If they haven't, try to find out why and maybe suggest your DD get some girl time with her friends.
Good Luck.
OH I well I remember the nursing all the time she was one of those . Just talked to her and she says she will start pumping as he will have to take a bottle " I can't sit in this chair nursing all day for another month" , she wants to be able to get out , let daddy feed him , be able to rest etc etc . She does have lots of friends but as I've said so many are working and so she really hasn't seen but a few , not even the neighbors are coming over to check on her . I think as we see others are taking his lead to stay away, he is not the warm and fuzzy type at times and I"m sure we are not the only ones that r treading lightly on that . His own dad and step mom have not been back and this is his dad's first grandchild. No I don't' go up like everyone thinks I'm doing , i only go for a few hours once a week , while he is at work so not to get in his way. He has no idea of anything she has told me , what she tells me is just between us when she needs to vent or is upset about things she tells me these things . Oh no heavens no it is one of those things mother's daughters talk about that the men don't ever know ,. So he is not threatened by that because he has no clue . I"m saying isolated as from things she is saying i know she feels alone all day , so that is where I'm getting that. Even their best couple friend , the wife came by for a bout an hour last week and will come again this week, the husband only saw the baby in the driveway when they were picking up ball tickets , this is the only couple friend they have and do things with. His list of friends is maybe 3 vs hers is very long . Once she can pump and take him out (she said she isn't nursing in public with or without a cover ) she will be able to meet friends during their lunch hour, for dinners ( as she does) Sat lunch and movies ( as she can leave him with daddy ). She is looking forward to some normalcy as walking to the mailbox each day is not getting it for this new mom. I've been as supportive as I can trying to tell her this is normal and just give it time . She isn't against the breast feeding it is just she says she feels like a giant boob or pacifier ( he won't take one either ) . You would have to go back and read my first post to know the issues with SIl, oh we are not the only ones that have seen the drastic change in him since the wedding . Everyone has seen it and felt it , so not our imaginations. Thanks
Quote from: Doe on February 21, 2012, 01:36:56 PM
I remember going to a LLL meeting with my first newborn. A mother was there with 2 toddlers and an infant and I asked her about how she managed it. I remember saying that I was going to wait till he was older to get out to grocery stores, etc since it would be easier.
She stopped me right there and said it only gets easier the more you do it. Don't put if off! I got it that there was no 'making it easier' now that I was responsible 24/7 for another person - no one but my husband and myself were going to do it (our parents lived across the country). We got more skilled and more in control of the chaos that comes with babies. I totally agree with that mom's advice.
She is getting ready to start pumping and she feels once she does that she will be a bit more free to do things and get out some . I asked has she driven anywhere she said no as he won't go an hour between nursing and I think she is concerned he will be fussy while she is driving and worry about what to do. Once she makes a break for it , as she says then she will find it a piece of cake but the first time is a bit scary I guess , I can't remember as it was 31 years ago lol , Now I wish I was back in her place , young again and had a nursing baby . I loved that sweet sweet time .
Quote from: lancaster lady on February 21, 2012, 02:58:16 PM
Babies don't come with directions and I'm sure we can all look back with horror at some of the things we did
as first Moms .
We know it gets better , but those first few weeks are scary .
I only wish I could have helped my DIL with my GD , I could see the baby wasn't getting any milk through
breast feeding and was getting more jaundiced as the days went on . I asked how often was she
feeding ....the gates of fury crashed around me and I spoke no more .
My GD spent three weeks without gaining an ounce , and I cried each day .
I eventually sent my DS pages of emailed information about jaundiced babies and not letting them
sleep too long as jaundice makes them unresponsive .
What the visiting nurse was thinking letting this go on I have no idea ....not my place to question !
They eventually fed my GD formula , thank God .
Worst three weeks of my life .
Just a taste of what was to come .
So some new Moms do need help , some welcome it some don't .
I think she would like help but nothing anyone can really do right now with him nursing all the time and not napping much during the day. I help by listening on the day i do , cooking and running an errands she might need. That is all I can do until she pumps, I think these new kids ( they r 31 and 35) are all so independent these days they want to do most of it themselves which is fine as long as they know if they need help we are always here to help with whatever they need. He is growing but with the new pediatricians now , they see the baby 3 days after coming home , and then 1 week and after that it is 2 months before they go back . he had lost down to 6 lbs from 6lbs9 ozs , then the week visit was 6lb 110z plus grown 1/2 inch so i hope he is getting enough milk but she said she will really know once she starts pumping and giving a bottle next week. I"m trying to just follow the leads. thanks
". I asked has she driven anywhere she said no as he won't go an hour between nursing and I think she is concerned he will be fussy while she is driving and worry about what to do. "
LOL - I imagine she'll be here in 30 years wondering why her son is so demanding. (just kidding)
Quote from: Doe on February 22, 2012, 08:07:44 AM
". I asked has she driven anywhere she said no as he won't go an hour between nursing and I think she is concerned he will be fussy while she is driving and worry about what to do. "
LOL - I imagine she'll be here in 30 years wondering why her son is so demanding. (just kidding)
hey some friends and relatives say in joking way , it sound like he is already taking after daddy, oh lord i do hope he has some of his mommy in him or we are all in for a long ride lol
you're doing a great job Artlady .
It's different when it's your own daughter , not so easy with a DIL .
Your DD sounds like a great Mom too , takes a while to get a routine going .
I too loved those baby days , it's great being a GM too , especially when you're allowed to be one .
In my case it was a year before I became interactive , but now we are like peas in a pod ! :D
Quote from: lancaster lady on February 22, 2012, 08:36:25 AM
you're doing a great job Artlady .
It's different when it's your own daughter , not so easy with a DIL .
Your DD sounds like a great Mom too , takes a while to get a routine going .
I too loved those baby days , it's great being a GM too , especially when you're allowed to be one .
In my case it was a year before I became interactive , but now we are like peas in a pod ! :D
Hey this grandma's supply has been long gone so all I can do is be there for her, give her encouragement and let her learn on her own as one day we won't be here to pick them up so they have to learn things on . I'm sure we will be able to have contact with the babyh but when it comes to the SIL being a part of that I"m sure we will run into bumps in the road as he is the "not fuzzy , prickly " personalilty type that wants his own little family without the involvement of his or her family ( he would be just fine with that ). EB
Doe, that was the same advice I was given when DD was born and I took it. The first couple weeks were hard and a blur, DD was also a preemie that got to come home on time since she was right around 5lbs. She was a bit on the higher maintenance side. But I was back at work when she was 4 weeks old and still in school full time, we made it work.
I didn't want much help but my parents and family members did do things like ordering a food service for me, which I can't think them enough for even now.
So you don't really have to physically be there to help out, there are a lot of services out there for new moms. Maybe having food delivered a couple times a week? Or you can even do grocery shopping online now and they'll deliver that too.
Quote from: pam1 on February 22, 2012, 02:19:27 PM
But I was back at work when she was 4 weeks old and still in school full time, we made it work.
OMG, I can't imagine. I think I stayed in sweat pants and tank tops for the 1st month, if I got dressed at all!
I'm impressed!
Quote from: Doe on February 22, 2012, 03:41:11 PM
Quote from: pam1 on February 22, 2012, 02:19:27 PM
But I was back at work when she was 4 weeks old and still in school full time, we made it work.
OMG, I can't imagine. I think I stayed in sweat pants and tank tops for the 1st month, if I got dressed at all!
I'm impressed! wow I know I"m just so glad most pics were of the baby and not me as I looked terrible for that first month or so , and I can totally agree with not dressing . thank goodness for those panel maternity pants as i lived in those for a bit i'm sure , maybe some sweats but those awful dresses were packed real quick lol
Quote from: Doe on February 22, 2012, 03:41:11 PM
Quote from: pam1 on February 22, 2012, 02:19:27 PM
But I was back at work when she was 4 weeks old and still in school full time, we made it work.
OMG, I can't imagine. I think I stayed in sweat pants and tank tops for the 1st month, if I got dressed at all!
I'm impressed!
Hah, I really didn't have much of a choice at that time. But I was out of it the first couple weeks, barely remember it.
I know some gals it takes a really long time to get going, I'm not saying either one is right or wrong. Just that everyone is so different.
I didn't get to go up this week as I was having severe pain with my small nerve fiber neuropathy , sitting /riding is the worse so she wants me to come next week and spend a night or so. I just hope and pray the SIL will be friendly because I'll be stuck at night , won't be able to leave if I wanted to but I'll focus on her and the baby. I'm going to be there for her support , needs and to spend mother /daughter time . I plan on cooking a few things they can freeze to pull out on those rough days/nights. I took a few things last visit. So after 2 counseling and words of wisdom from all my super smart ladies on here I do feel stronger and better about the whole situation . I do feel sorry for him as he is missing so much by shutting people out of his life ( his family , us and doesn't have but one guy he does things with who is their only couple friend, DD has lots of friends) . I'm hoping that once the GS starts school they will meet other couples they can become friends with to share in child activities but there again I can't have expectations , it is their life and if they like it the way it is , then so be it. Once she starts pumping this week I think she will be able to get more done , get out and not have to sit in one place about all day. I'm proud of her patience with her breastfeeding and the time she has put into it will be well worth it down the road. GS will be a month old Monday so things will start to change and the gas etc will hopefully get better. Thanks again for all of you listening and holding my hand , love to you
Well my fears are coming true . I know that DD isn't going back to work and has convinced herself she will end up in the hole rather than making money. She makes excellent salary with the state , great benefits, free health insurance , one of the best retirement systems in the country and so many other great benefits. She has to drive about an hour each way so with the gas, wear and tear on car , plus if she is late leaving work to pick baby up would be a problem,( he works right there in town where baby will be , not sure why he can't pick him up if she is running late ), She now says she doesn't need any money ( wow that really scares me as every woman needs a little of their own for whatever reason) but the main thing is she has always said she would have one and then wait two years before trying for the next, save money up for herself ,pay the bills she had ( that he doesn't pay or not sure he even knows about , we don't' discuss that ) and once the 2nd was born then she would be able to stay home . Well today she was talking about work and that is not worth her going back if she is going to get pregnant again before this baby's first birthday. Wow where r those body snatchers that got my independent strong daughter. I have no problem with her staying home , if that was her decision and I felt it was but all I've heard since before they got married , got pregnant was him saying he wanted her to stay home and she telling me he wanted her to stay home all going back to his mother and the resentment he holds for his dad , He blames his dad quitting his good job to just bounce from job to job that his mother who was a stay at home mom had to go to work and basically be the bread winner , she had to bring work home , couldn't take him places or be there for him anymore and the dad never was involved with his boys ( sports , fishing etc) I would not be so concerned if i didn't see it linked to an emotional issue that he is trying to resolve in his own life or whatever. If it was something i thought was joint decision and not imposed as dd is so compassionate, loving and sympathetic to others that she will do whatever she has to do to make them happy at the risk of her own ( she got that inherit trait from her mother who got it from her mother , a real curse I'd hoped not to pass on ) She has learned to be way more assertive than good old mom but she still caves to others all the time . The bright light though is that maybe if he will let her she can come down and spend a few nights every once in a while with us , he might as he really could care less about her parents or his being in his life , hers or their baby ./ OK deep breath , I need all my support counselors to get me through this one . don't get me wrong i want her happiness above all and I can worry from afar but just want to know if it sounds as if she is giving into his control , that is the red flag that has me worried . thanks and love to all for putting up with all my rambling thoughts that are all over for the last 8 weeks .
You know what ?
I think you have to let this one play out , it's their life and if they make mistakes so be it .
Whatever we say will be wrong anyway , so maybe best not try .
After your DD has been home alone with baby for a few months , she may change her mind .
My DIL was the same , will never work etc ....she is now working part time , as she wanted
to see people and a change of scenery , not to mention the money .
Well I"m not saying a word , like I say I can vent here but not to her , I just see that as his control , keeping her home , barefoot , pregnant and totally dependent on him. Lord help them both with the economy we have that his company closes, he worries all the time about as from all the cuts and lack of contracts they have . So these young folks have to learn the hard way but it is like hell to watch this drama play out . I just miss the daughter i knew for 31 years , i just hope she will be happy at home as she has already been stressed on not being able to get out like she use to , get things done around the house and the sleep deprivation as this baby is still very high maintenance but living with a researcher who does it all by the book or by what he reads is a real joy i bet. Hey we can't even play family card or board games with him by doing it exactly by the rules no changes for fun lol Well i' ll hope from more little visits with her there when he is at work and her coming here lol