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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: luise.volta on June 22, 2009, 03:24:01 PM

Title: Bridges
Post by: luise.volta on June 22, 2009, 03:24:01 PM
Hi All,

I am starting to feel that DILs are (or can be) the bridge between mothers and their adult sons. Does that make any sense to anyone? The wife becomes his priority, as well she should, and then she cements his connection to his roots by honoring them.

If she doesn't, or can't, or if we think we are still number one...disaster strikes.

How the heck do we anticipate that and cope with the ones who don't tie us in? And how do they deal with the clinging MILs who won't let go?

There is something so beautiful about an expanded family. Why should it have to be a pipe-dream for so many of us on both sides of the fence? Sad...

Blessings,

Luise

Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: Prissy on June 22, 2009, 05:55:25 PM
Oh Luise!
You're so right on this!  I've thought this same thing....if the DIL doesn't want a relationship with us, it's not going to happen, no matter what we do or don't do.

The DIL is the cement....she is.

Personal story: I have one DIL (Thank you, God!) who seems to want us in her life.  So, in their lives we are.  This means that we are free to be with them, talk to her on the phone, hear about the Grandchildren and just be friends.

Through her, I have a relationship with our son...not a personal one like it once was but one that is channeled through her.  It's okay with me because it's something at least.

I feel so sorry for our other son!  Our family will always have an empty space in it because he can't be what I know he wanted to be.  He never knows what she might do.

He loves her and she is a good Mother and I think, a good wife. Personally, I don't know how he could put up with her antics but I comfort myself with the idea that she is what he needs? ???

We marry the one that fits what we need in another.  I remember all the girls he dated and what great people they were. No antics, really fun and the kind you couldn't help but love.

He didn't go for them. 

Southern Belle, I should have told you that I agreed with what you said about BridetoBe's MIL.  I do understand her plight.  But, at the same time, being left by the curbside is too hard to bear, even if we're needy and clingy.

Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: Bride2Be on June 23, 2009, 07:54:37 AM
I would have to disagree Luise.  I think that's putting too much responsibility on us for your relationship with your son.  If a son has a distant relationship with his mother after he gets married that's between him and his mother.  There is no way one person can come in and do anything unless it's allowed, no woman can do that unless you have a weak son who isn't really a man.  Just from my experience, my relationship has endured too much because of my fiance's clinginess to his mother.  I didn't get into my relationship with hopes of having someone elses mother annoy me with 'mother' stuff that they should do with their own daughter.  I am just really fed up with everything right now so excuse me if I seem to be ranting or coming off as a jerk but I'm truly tired of having this woman around.
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: Prissy on June 23, 2009, 05:33:22 PM
I agree with you, BridetoBe...it has to be allowed.  A son doesn't automatically distance himself from his own Mother without allowing it.

If it was demanded of you to distance yourself from your Mother and you were close to her, it would be hard to do.

She must be a real pain in the neck, she must be for you to be thinking of ending the relationship.  I'm sorry about that.

Something I learned a long time ago when I thought after many years that my father deserted us, his own children, because of one of his new wives, it was brought to my attention that no person can make a father or mother not love his/her own children.  People aren't that powerful.  He did it on his own. My bubble was burst. 

I guess in all the progress we've made, the gap between men and women still exists.  It is okay for a woman to tell her Mother anything but not okay for a man.  He is considered a wuss. 

I hope everything turns out okay for you and him. 

Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: luise.volta on June 23, 2009, 07:33:19 PM
Well, I like my cement theory...yup, I think the DIL is the glue and I'm going to stick to it!  :D I don't think she has to carry the whole weight but I think she points the way. Guys are often besotted and want to please their wives...don't you think?  ???
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: Prissy on June 23, 2009, 08:21:50 PM
Yes, they are besotted, totally-- but so are we.  We wouldn't chase our own Mothers away because of him, though.
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: luise.volta on June 23, 2009, 09:25:20 PM
I do agree that no one "makes" another person do something that is totally against his/her value system. It's just sometimes hard to see that value exposed. My youngest son still dislikes the woman who "broke up" my marriage and I have told him countless times that no one can break up a marriage that is solid.

So where does that put us? No one can turn a son against his family of origin unless he is what....disloyal, weak, disinterested, fearful, distracted? What? Not willing or able to deal with conflict?
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: lostone on June 24, 2009, 06:33:28 AM
I agree with both sides.  The son has to be man enough to stand up to his mother and his wife.  Unfortunately, if he chooses one over the other, blame on the other is going to occur.  I don't mean a man should ever choose his mother over his wife, but if the wife loves her husband she should never make him cut his mother out of "his" life.  I agree some DIL's and MIL's that can't get along should not be forced to be together.  But why does that mean the son has to give up the mother as well?

I raised all my son's to respect all women, to marry for life, and to be loyal, faithful, and honerable.  All of which I am sure played into my DIL falling in love with him.  Unfortunately my DIL saw me as a threat.  I honestly don't know why - maybe I should know, but I don't.  I have tried to talk to them, tried to apologize for any and everything I can think of and even offered to go to counseling to find out what I can do to show them I am willing to look at myself from their point of view in order to see what it is I need to change if I can.  They have not been receptive to any attempt by me to reconcile.  It is like once she came into his life, she was set on a path of destroying our relationship.  I have always gotten along with all of my son's friends, and was close to my son.  But any attempt by him in the beginning to try and work things out would send her into a rage.  He finally choose to do what he had to do to keep the peace, and his marriage in tack.  All the things I brought him up to do.  Shame on her for not respecting that and Shame on me for raising a son that believes he needs to be those things to her!
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: Prissy on June 24, 2009, 07:41:51 AM
AMEN!! and AMEN!!!!!!!

My regret is raising real gentlemen, but Lostone, how could I not?  These women prey on them; I didn't know that then.

  It breaks my heart and some days I can cope but not on most.  Shame on me.  I feel sorry for me.  Kind of pathetic, isn't it?  I look at myself and feel sorry for the child in me who only wanted a family.  This mutation must have seen that and boy, did she have a field day.
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: lostone on June 24, 2009, 10:47:49 AM
Prissy, I truly understand where you are coming from.  How long has it been?  I do know it gets better.  There is a great article that you may find helpful
http://www.support4change.com/relationships/letgo/book-intro.html

It talks about letting go of our dreams and how we need to greive this loss in order to move on.  I agree, it has felt like a death to me, and yet since he is not dead (thank God) I still have that ever present tiny bit of hope that I often find myself clinging too and continually dissapointed and hurt over.  Allowing myself to grieve the loss of the future I thought I had earned and deserved was very important.  Only by letting go of what could have been allowed me to be open to what may lie ahead.  It is a day to day decision to live my life to the fullest that I try to concentrate on now.  I hope you find that you have a life worth living and deserve to be happy in spite of your son's decision.  It doesn't come naturally for a mother but it is possible.
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: Prissy on June 24, 2009, 12:00:02 PM
Thank you, Lostone!  I will look at this when I can bring myself to do it.  I know it would help me.

We saw them about 2 months ago. He was fine but the DIL was so awful in her manner that it's just not worth it.  She has him convinced that we didn't love him and neither did his brother.

His brother makes things worse because they can't stand her either. That doubles the problem.

I feel so sorry for myself that it just shakes me. I am so sad to bury my son while he's still alive. 

I never wished for anything in the world but a family.  Not money, not anything but a family that I never had.  In walks this mutation and ruined my life.  I've never met anyone like her before.

I've never had anyone dislike me before that I knew of.  Maybe they did but they sure never let me know.  I hate her.  I hate her. God forgive me but I do.  Please God, let this leave me!  This only hurts me.

She refuses to come here and that means we can't see our son.  We can't tolerate going there with all the stomping around and order barking so we're left with only memories. It's like a morgue there.  NOT FAIR!  Not right.

This mutated freakoid was like sugary sweet candy when we met her.  Right after the wedding she did a 360 turnaround and that was the end of the sugar plum. She got him, we were out and her fruitcake, idiot parents who no one can stand gets the goodies, including the grandkids.

I'm mad at our other son for acting like he does in her presence. He should tolerate her just for being his brother's wife.  But we can hardly stand her either.  I'm sick of this!  I'm sick of the bitterness in me.

If anyone can get through this without a breakdown, let me know.  I don't see how you can if you never had a family and this thing, this freak of nature walks in and ruins your life.

I'll read the article and thank you, Lostone. You don't know how much it means to me to have you reach out. 
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: luise.volta on June 24, 2009, 01:11:12 PM
And so again I weep. (This non-weeper.) We are finding understanding and tenderness and empathy here. Not resolution. We can't change things but I think this may be the way to some level of peace. The aloneness, for me, is fading. My elder son hated me and saw me as evil with a great deal of help from his wife and he is also truly dead. Nine years ago June 20th. A stroke caused by sleep apnea.
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 01, 2009, 08:24:02 AM
Hello everyone! 
  I am just going thru some of the posts and the pain families are dealing with is unreal. 

  It was a shock for me as well when my son decided to ask a woman he dated a few years to marry him, to find she, her mother and her sisters were all quite evil. 
  I felt I tried to reach out to her, to them as a couple.  There was no reason not to. 

But to bring you all up to present day I haven't seen or spoken to those two (or the new child) since the wedding.  It's been a few years.  There is some sadness for they will not speak to my husband or other child as well, which I cannot understand why.
   But, in looking back to the pain, the mean she and her family dished out, walking away from that toxic relationship was good for me.  I wish you all a place of happiness soon. 
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: Prissy on August 01, 2009, 09:04:54 AM
I know what you mean, SunnyDays...so glad you've found peace.  Acting like nothing she does bothers you is so very difficult.

I think, though, it's the only way to deal with DIL's.  They are the most leathal weapons on earth.  (I know all of them aren't, Luise)  I just don't know any who aren't. 
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: luise.volta on August 01, 2009, 01:31:26 PM
We have to find a way to go on. We have to call it as it is and not put our heads in the sand. And we need each other when it gets too hard and we feel alone and overwhelmed. Thank you for your empathy and kindness and I'm so sorry you had all of that to cope with.
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: just2baccepted on August 03, 2009, 09:58:32 AM
This is my first post, but I'm so glad to have found this page because it helps me to see the other side of the problem.  I'm 34 years old and have been married for 12 years and realized that my MIL and FIL did not accept me.  It took awhile but now I know the truth and I'm crushed by it, or at least I was. Now I'm in battle mode to be honest.  Do what I need to protect my marriage and the one person who means the most to me even more than my mom.
But Luise reading your post breaks my heart so much. 

I ran into the same problem with my family of origin.  My uncle who I considered like a second father growing up began coming on to me in a sexual way.  I put up with for five years and tried to get him to stop but he wouldn't so I had to make a choice dealing with his perversion and seeing an aunt that I love or not seeing her anymore and walking away with some self-respect.  I now have not seen her in almost two years(she's confined to their home from a stroke) and he's retire and always home. 

Then the other heartbreak I had to deal with was being very close to my niece and nephew and even help raising them.  I loved them so much.  But my sister has Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder and a raging drug problem and is married to a meth addict who breaks into people homes to support his drug habit.  After dealing with this for over ten years I had to make a hard decision.  I don't go around this crazy sister anymore and I rarely get to see my niece and nephew.  I also can't see my mom unless its at her office since my sister lives with her and my mom won't visit my house because she doesn't want to hurt my sister.  I cried for a year but now I'm in acceptance mode. I still live my life an enjoy it. I have a sweet husband i have have a job I like and we travel.  Just got back from Hawaii two weeks ago and had a great time! I've come to realize that I have no control over crazy sister's and perverted uncles.  The once close knit family that I had is now gone.  It was hard but I knew I had to accept it.  It was either that or put up with tremendous abuse and manipulation.  I seem to have become good at cutting people out of my life.

My point is that sometimes we have to accept things the way they are and not spend the rest of our lives pining over something we can't have.  Make a new family!  Volunteer and get involved in your church.  Volunteer with meals on wheels and visit with the lonely elderly who maybe don't have any family.  I listen to Joel Osteen quite a bit on my MP3 player and he helped me realize that helping others helps us not think so much about the losses in our lives.  What a blessing it is to make someone else's day.  I also have a neighbor who is probably in her seventies and is widowed and never could have children.  She's made the most of it though.  She has a friend and they go one road trips together frequently! How cool is that I thought.  Here I was feeling sorry for myself about my messed up family and this woman has gone out and made a life for herself!  One thing you have to realize is that you can't count on your adult children to keep you company, they'll disappoint you everytime.  I can promise the last thing on my mind is visiting my mom.  Adult children have to think about careers, children, marriage, little league, friendships and a little r&r for themselves.  That's why its important to let them live their lives.  They're at different stages in life than you are and they need and want to be around people too that are in the same stage as life as they are. My mom uses little guilt trips on me too to get me to visit.  I want to tell her so bad that makes me want to visit her less.  She's been getting bad about it lately because she's lost my aunt to a stroke and my aunt was her only and best friend.  I hope I don't sound harsh.  You seem like a wonderful woman and I just wanted to share my thoughts with you.  I want you to be happy!
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 03, 2009, 06:00:31 PM
  First off let me welcome you just2beaccepted.  And to say I am so sorry for the pain your young life has seen.  I too am one that removed the toxic people/situations from my life for my health sake!  Just like you I have become good at the painful experience of cutting people from my life.
   My family was once very close as well.  Even some of my sisters I have chosen not to deal with anymore due to unhappiness they caused.
  And good for you that you are seeing the good in life and not dwelling on the things you cant change. 


QuoteOne thing you have to realize is that you can't count on your adult children to keep you company, they'll disappoint you everytime.  I can promise the last thing on my mind is visiting my mom.  Adult children have to think about careers, children, marriage, little league, friendships and a little r&r for themselves.  That's why its important to let them live their lives.

   I understand totally.  I was a newly married with a new family going every which way!  But I always found time for parents.  Mine, his and extended family as much as possible.  It seems to be that, in my particular case, the dil didn't want to have anything to do with his family. 
   It began immediately after the engagement.  The contacts became fewer and farther inbetween.  The looks they gave each other when we try to include them.   Then to find out the time is being spent with HER mom, or HER dad, or HER sisters and their families.  HER schedule.  HER decision.  It was always her.
    I was surprised we were invited to the wedding!
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: just2baccepted on August 03, 2009, 06:50:30 PM
To Happydays09 - I understand that specific quote may seem painful from your point-of-view, it was just coming from my own experiences.  And it's completely believable that you DIL might do these things to you.  As a woman I hate to say this about my own gender but woman can be impossible to deal with at times.  I bet your DIL is struggling with her own insecurities and maybe see you as a threat.

When I first got married I felt a little jealous of his family because I thought, here I am a newbie and they've loved him for years.  But I tell you what I was totally open to close relationship with them and just assumed we'd all be close.  Come to find out she's been talking bad about me behind my back for years and even trying to turn my husband against me.  What she does is she finds out something about me that she doesn't like and assumes my hubby doesn't like and then slams "people" that do that same thing.  I would assume she's trying to turn him against me?  I wish I knew why she's doing this.  My hubby says not to take it personal because MIL and DIL both are critical and don't like others.  She's also so sweet to my face.  I felt so betrayed to think she would do this.
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: Prissy on August 03, 2009, 06:55:38 PM
I'm so sorry!  I wonder what she'd think if she knew your heart?? (my question mark is working again)

Your heart is precious. She's missing out on so much!  I wish I could talk to her and tell her that. I can't but I do want you to know it.
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: luise.volta on August 04, 2009, 01:01:54 PM
It doesn't sound to me like any of us gave up easily. Self-preservation was a last resort. Most of us tried everything else first and only closed the door when we knew there was nothing on the other side of it except pain and suffering.

Self-respect...self-love...most of us have work to do.

The whole thing about the uncle and the "sister/mom thing" is so awful. And yet you picked up the pieces and went on. That's where dignity lies. And it brings healing. It does.
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 04, 2009, 01:18:20 PM
Each family's dynamic is so different.  I am not sure how my dil felt about our family - but our hearts and arms were open to her.  I once rescheduled Thanksgiving dinner to be the next evening - FRIDAY - for she worked on Thanksgiving Day and I wanted her to have a fresh dinner together with our family!!!   
   We included her in my dd's graduations plans and even made arrangements to get a suite for her and my son to stay in so they could share in the ceremony.
   She was always included.  She seemed very pleasant and they dated for over three years.  Then they became engaged and we saw them less and less and less--and the negativity began rushing in.

Talking bad about anyone is not conducive to a loving family environment at all.  I cannot tolerate that!  But I do understand it happens.  What I don't understand is the practice of sabotage in someone's relationship with their spouse.  I couldn't wait for my son to embrace someone he loved and to find that "forever" mate.  Perhaps I didn't call them three times a day?  Drop over unexpectedly?  Make demands, argue, etc.  And she felt I didn't care about them?  Who knows.  Like you said--"...woman can be impossible..."  I bent backward.  I jumped thru hoops.  I was so pleased, so happy they found each other.  I would have given them my kidneys.
   Just to know they were happy, in love and together was all the payment I wanted.  I never asked a thing from them but inclusion that matched her parents once they were married.  Even my son's attitude toward us changed immediately - bordering on crass and rude.  I no longer recognized him.
   It was too painful to be around them.  I chose to let them go. 
   And other than feeling the void, the whole where he once fit in our lives, things are great.  The sun rises, the birds sing and I still have my dh and my wonderful dd.  I am blessed!!   :)

 
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: Prissy on August 04, 2009, 01:45:34 PM
Of course, I have to one up you, HappyD.....I had Thanksgiving breakfast to suit her.  Bacon and eggs anyone? 

As far as her being nice when they met?  They are always nice at first. That's what I tell everybody. 

Me: "how do you like her? (the DIL to be)

Them: "oh, I just love her. She is wonderful

Me: "they are always wonderful at first"
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: luise.volta on August 04, 2009, 01:58:50 PM
Not all of them, No, not all of them! Some are lovely. Precious. Respectful and fun. Yes!

Others temporarily say and do what they think will "sell." Then, when they have what they want, they lower the boom.

It feels like a lottery. Who has a winning ticket? We never know...

Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: just2baccepted on August 04, 2009, 04:46:20 PM
Thank you all for the kind and helpful words.  And to Happydays  I have to say if my in-laws reached out to me the way you have to your DIL I would probably melt and cry and most likely forget all the cruel things they have done.  I wish I knew why some people have such a hard time being open and caring like this.  I just see my in-laws as very selfish and only see "what's in it for me" kind of mentality.
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: luise.volta on August 04, 2009, 05:36:20 PM
There's a lot of that going around..."what-in-it-for me." If you get a chance, under the Stories heading, read my story about my mother-in-law. It was the 1940s and I was dumber than a post.
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 05, 2009, 12:45:20 PM
Quote from: Prissy on August 04, 2009, 01:45:34 PM
Of course, I have to one up you, HappyD.....I had Thanksgiving breakfast to suit her.  Bacon and eggs anyone? 

As far as her being nice when they met?  They are always nice at first. That's what I tell everybody. 

Me: "how do you like her? (the DIL to be)

Them: "oh, I just love her. She is wonderful

Me: "they are always wonderful at first"

wait one second there missyprissy...after the BIG turkey day you also had thanksgiving breakfast???!!!!   Wish there was a "bow down to the Queen" smilie for it would be here!! ROFL!! 
  You da woman for sure. 

   I'll admit I got some eye rolling when I suggested the big Turkey dinner be held the next day for her, I just was trying to be nice.  It had been a couple years with school and new job that she even got Turkey Day off! 

  Oh well.  I know.  Shut up about it already.  (she didn't even help with dishes!!!   :o  )
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 05, 2009, 12:46:39 PM
Quote from: just2baccepted on August 04, 2009, 04:46:20 PM
Thank you all for the kind and helpful words.  And to Happydays  I have to say if my in-laws reached out to me the way you have to your DIL I would probably melt and cry and most likely forget all the cruel things they have done.  I wish I knew why some people have such a hard time being open and caring like this.  I just see my in-laws as very selfish and only see "what's in it for me" kind of mentality.

  I love.  That's all. Even if you are at your worst.  When no one CAN STAND you.  I'll be there - for IVE BEEN THERE.  Unless you pull a gun on me or something then I will run away.  :)
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: Prissy on August 05, 2009, 04:54:47 PM
There was nowhere to fit us in on or near Thanksgiving...it was breakfast or nothing.  I chose breakfast so I could say, "we had a Thanksgiving with the family"

The Hate MIL board calls them Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaamly Craptactulars.  They hate their Mils.
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 06, 2009, 08:21:32 AM
Quote from: Prissy on August 05, 2009, 04:54:47 PM
There was nowhere to fit us in on or near Thanksgiving...it was breakfast or nothing.  I chose breakfast so I could say, "we had a Thanksgiving with the family"

The Hate MIL board calls them Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaamly Craptactulars.  They hate their Mils.
yes well I hear that what goes around....deee deee la la la.  So maybe they will get theirs in the form of a HUGE foaming at the mouth, nasty DIL!!  I hope not, of course.  I am just saying....  lol
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: Prissy on August 06, 2009, 10:18:23 AM
yes, and guess who has sons?  Uh huh, she does.   :P
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 06, 2009, 12:30:46 PM
Quote from: Prissy on August 06, 2009, 10:18:23 AM
yes, and guess who has sons?  Uh huh, she does.   :P

STOP!!  ROFL!!! you're killing me. 

   Really I don't wish any evil DILS on any young dils that are raising sons.   I feel if they just don't buy into the stereotype, the negative vibe, maybe just MAYBE they will learn some great things from someone who just happens to know their husbands pretty well. 
  It doesn't have to be antagonistic.  In some instances, it is the DIL that causes many of the problems but refuse to share even a minute percentage of the responsibility.  Is it the lack of a role model bringing these young women up?  To value material and superficiality more than family values?

  I don't know.  I do know in my case appearances and cash was what drove her.  She had the cash.  He was willing to go thru the ceremony.  (He needed cash).  They don't need me.  I don't need them in the way THEY decided I was to receive them. 
  I believe at one point the dil to be, claimed I was going to be grammy nanny.  She had me already pegged where I was to fit in.  Not as a shopping buddy of which I have a black belt.  Confidante.  Whatever.  No.  My purpose in their little set up was to watch their brood for free.
 
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: Prissy on August 06, 2009, 12:40:11 PM
I do not know what is wrong with them. I really don't. These are unique individuals who want what they want when they want it.

I hope I live to see her with her DILs.  Should be a treat and soooo interesting.
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 07, 2009, 12:37:34 PM
  Oh, you wouldn't believe!  And my son?  Put on the poker face and played.dumb.all.day.long.  Didn't know.  Huh? What?  Who?  Right.
   Conveniently misplaced memory so she could do and say anything.
  I was so eager to have it all workout for them/us etc.  They
could have just told me the truth.  What worked.  What didn't.
   I came to realize DIL was not quite right.  A possible disorder or syndrome?
   Something was wrong.  To the point of assault on the wedding day, covertly disguised as a ooopsie or mistake that caused severe burns to me and to my daughter at her hair thing the morning of. 
   My daughter and I were the only two women to get the one stylist that repeatedly burned us with appliances until we jumped out of the chair crying.  The stylist threw down the appliances claiming not to be able to work on "these women" and left in a huff?  My daughter had skin hanging off her scalp.  We were both traumatized.  Crying. Sobbing. 
The entire bridal entourage-- HER sisters -- HER mother -- Her bff -- ignored us.  Never asked why we were crying.  It was as if they knew?  Never asked why the mother of her soon to be husband and his sister were leaving in tears.  They never even said goodbye.  ??? 
   Should have called the police.  Should have made out a report.  I truly feel bride wanted me and sister out of the wedding all together.  That she and/or her mother would go to this length. 
  I have been to salons for a long time - not once burned by appliances.  They were turned down Immediately!!  Not this day.  It continued until I removed myself from the chair and said "that's alright, I'll do my own hair"

  This was the nail in the coffin that sealed any future form of trusting relationship with this couple.  And son has made NO attempt either - not even to find out about the burning incident except for saying that I walked in not wanting to be there. So I guess I got what I deserved??
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: luise.volta on August 07, 2009, 12:42:20 PM
How horrible! How contrived! How untenable! :( :o :'(
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: Prissy on August 07, 2009, 08:15:40 PM
This is totally intollerable. No one should have to go through this, no one!

Total abuse. Pure and simple.
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 09, 2009, 09:05:22 AM
First and foremost - Thank you.  I ♥ you!  (hope that heart comes out)

lemme tell ya - that was just one incident.  there were others - not quite so aggressive in nature nor did they leave physical scars! but they were quite painful all the same.  and plenty!!
  even to the point the dil posted, on her myspace, seeing me at a nearby store and I didn't say anything to her/the child.  what?  I didn't even pay attention to the people in the parking lot!!  Didn't notice her.
  But part of the posting back and forth on her very open and public myspace page was all about her mil that was bipolar, and a mom "if that's what you can call her" and how could I do that to an innocent child?
   So it sounds like I am a woman with bipolar disease that beat the crap or something out of the kid.  When in actuality I never said hi to them. ( I was supposed to say hi?  But, since I didn't notice her, why didn't she say anything to me? The jig was up years before, I was never going to have any contact with either of them.  I thought she knew?)
  The damage was done.  Her mil is bipolar and did something bad to an innocent child.  Nice.  Right there on myspace.  Her friend referred to me as "the crazy".  Never met this friend, nor has she ever met me.  I leave them all alone.  I don't do childish things like this. 
  (I won't even mention the anonymous letter in the mail telling me how despicable I am for not making up with my son.  Oh, there's just too many!!  lol! )  and it sounds like I am whining. 
   
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: Prissy on August 09, 2009, 09:44:00 AM
This situation, HappyDays is beyond awful but still, there is a measure of caring in the fact that she would be posting on MySpace or anywhere else about you.

I hope this makes sense but the opposite of love is apathy and if there was no measure of caring, she would not be posting anywhere.

Not that this means she is a nice person, just the opposite.  She's not. But, what I am thinking is that she is wasting a lot of time on someone she supposedly hates. 

What do you think? 

If I had apathy towards someone, I'd not give them a second of thought, much less write on a website about them.  This woman is so deeply disturbed that it's not funny.....having someone burn your head is not just crazy, it's scary CRAZY. 
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: just2baccepted on August 09, 2009, 02:05:34 PM
Happydays09 - I noticed that you said DIL mom has bipolar.  My sister has bipolar and borderline personality disorder according to her doctor  and my goodness the drama that chick stirs up is a nightmare.  I'm wondering if you're suffering from the effects of the mom and maybe even the DIL because bipolar can be genetic. I'd read up on that, not that it'll do any good but its nice to know what you're going up against.

Also I think when families blend sometimes there's just feelings of competition especially in people who are insecure, personality disordered, or have any type of mental health issues. 

You know sometimes I think I shouldn't even comment on certain things because I don't understand the love of my own child.  My husband and I have been married for 12 years and tried to have a baby for five years and had no luck because I have PCOS, so I'm just speaking with my own limited life experience.  But I am so glad you have a daughter to have as a shopping buddy etc... I know that must not heal the pain in your heart about your son though.  I just think at least you have that positive light in your life.  I hope you have a good relationship with your daughter.  But I see that disrespect thing going on in both my family and my husbands family.  Where adult children use the older relatives for babysitting etc.. but then ignore their other needs.  This site has really helped me open my eyes to the plight certain family members.  Its makes me want to be a better daughter to my mom!!
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: Prissy on August 11, 2009, 03:14:41 PM
Ditto
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: luise.volta on August 12, 2009, 07:48:54 AM
HappyDays...how did you make that heart with your keyboard?
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: luise.volta on August 12, 2009, 08:10:37 AM
When my eldest son was still alive and I was struggling with his anger and rejection and his wife's delight in making it worse, the hardest thing for me was accepting that there was nothing I could do.

Now, as I read the lists of everything that all of you have tried, I am reminded again of the hopelessness I felt. Mothers are doers. Raising a family is an active thing. We problem solved...we sought and brought about resolution. It was part of our "job description." Then someone we welcomed into our extended family with open arms tells us in words or deeds that we are no longer of any use. To the contrary, we've been labeled as evil and fired. It's take-away time.

Helplessness is what nearly killed me. Finding there was no way to defend myself, or right the situation, or move on with the family in tact. Hopelessness followed and I honestly thought I would never get to acceptance, much less any sense of wholeness again. I have. I've learned that the choices of others are their right, no matter what the outcome may be for me...and that my job is to learn and grow and heal from the inside out.

Have I forgotten? Heck, no! Do I dwell on it? Occasionally, but not all the time anymore. It is a part of my life, not my life in it's entirety.

Where daughters might have been had I ever had any and where DILs might have filled my heart with joy had that worked out, I now have wonderful "sort of" daughters...five of them...who would take a bullet for me in a New York Minute. And visa versa.  :)
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: just2baccepted on August 12, 2009, 10:08:07 PM
To Anna and any MIL who suffering with DIL like this I will certainly pray for you. 
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: Prissy on August 13, 2009, 04:51:57 AM
Thank you so much, Just2b....your prayers would be so appreciated.  God knows my real name so He knows who Prissy is.  :)
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 13, 2009, 02:28:48 PM
Quote from: just2baccepted on August 09, 2009, 02:05:34 PM
Happydays09 - I noticed that you said DIL mom has bipolar.  My sister has bipolar and borderline personality disorder according to her doctor  and my goodness the drama that chick stirs up is a nightmare.  I'm wondering if you're suffering from the effects of the mom and maybe even the DIL because bipolar can be genetic. I'd read up on that, not that it'll do any good but its nice to know what you're going up against.

Also I think when families blend sometimes there's just feelings of competition especially in people who are insecure, personality disordered, or have any type of mental health issues. 

You know sometimes I think I shouldn't even comment on certain things because I don't understand the love of my own child.  My husband and I have been married for 12 years and tried to have a baby for five years and had no luck because I have PCOS, so I'm just speaking with my own limited life experience.  But I am so glad you have a daughter to have as a shopping buddy etc... I know that must not heal the pain in your heart about your son though.  I just think at least you have that positive light in your life.  I hope you have a good relationship with your daughter.  But I see that disrespect thing going on in both my family and my husbands family.  Where adult children use the older relatives for babysitting etc.. but then ignore their other needs.  This site has really helped me open my eyes to the plight certain family members.  Its makes me want to be a better daughter to my mom!!

No, I said her mil *that would be ME* was bipolar and did something to an innocent child.  That was what my dil put on her public myspace.  About running into me at a store and I didn't say anything to her.  So I am bipolar and how could I do that to an innocent child (by me not saying hi, I think)

  She put on her myspace that I was bipolar.  That she doesn't understand the mentally ill family members.  She was talking about me.  Her friend referred to me as "the crazy."    Nice. 
  I believe it was some tactic to get me enraged enough to call them, or something?  Her father just moved to florida with his new wife and mom was tired of being the only babysitter.  I think.  But I just hit the wine really hard and found forums!! Yes.  Forums are the best. 
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 13, 2009, 02:30:24 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on August 12, 2009, 07:48:54 AM
HappyDays...how did you make that heart with your keyboard?

  I hit the number three on the right side numeric only keyboard with right finger while simultaneously hitting alt key. ♥
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: just2baccepted on August 13, 2009, 02:39:49 PM
Happydays I'm sorry I should have read your post closer than what I did before commenting.☺
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 13, 2009, 02:54:51 PM
Quote from: just2baccepted on August 13, 2009, 02:39:49 PM
Happydays I'm sorry I should have read your post closer than what I did before commenting.☺
That's ok.  :)   

   Hey, and perhaps I do have issues, but to go and diss someone like that without a chance of them defending themselves?  She was wrong. 
   And the evil she does will come back to bite her someday. 
   I have said prayers for her - but now I just mention I forgive what they did.  I am at peace, pretty much.  Just here to help others. 
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 13, 2009, 03:16:52 PM
Quote from: Prissy on August 09, 2009, 09:44:00 AM
This situation, HappyDays is beyond awful but still, there is a measure of caring in the fact that she would be posting on MySpace or anywhere else about you.

I hope this makes sense but the opposite of love is apathy and if there was no measure of caring, she would not be posting anywhere.

Not that this means she is a nice person, just the opposite.  She's not. But, what I am thinking is that she is wasting a lot of time on someone she supposedly hates. 

What do you think? 

If I had apathy towards someone, I'd not give them a second of thought, much less write on a website about them.  This woman is so deeply disturbed that it's not funny.....having someone burn your head is not just crazy, it's scary CRAZY.

It makes sense to me.  And it must infuriate her that I have done nothing in return.  Maybe she and her family have found some of my posts on forums.  That I don't care too much about.  There was once a wedding forum she belonged to. A question was posted a month before her wedding.  A post by a person with her initials and my son's (totally coincidental, probably another person with the same initials - but she told me about this forum and how much info she gets from it)  asking if it was alright to not invite the grooms mom to the bachelorette pre-party dinner but having bride's mom and aunts there? (Most of the replies, said "NO" if you ask and have one mom, you should have the other. 

  It was titled, "Is this ok?"  You see, I was not invited to the dinner on the night of the bachelorette thing.  Her mom was and so was two of her aunts.  My daughter was there - but being 19 she could NOT attend anything after and could have used a friend to drive her downtown.  It hurt my feelings.  She never even said anything.  Her mom gets to go, as well as two of her moms sisters,  are there as well.  But, ignore the groom's mom.  I could have just been a friend to go with my 19 year old daughter, it was far from home, in a bar/restaurant, in a very busy downtown area the next state over-with very expensive off street parking.  The dinner was over around 10:30pm and my unchaperoned daughter was driving by herself late at night.  In an unfamiliar area.  She called me that night and we talked until she got closer to home.  She was a little upset.  She was a little afraid of getting lost and I had no idea what area she was even in!! 
  I was a bit upset bridezilla chose to have the youngest member of her bridal party (and soon to be sil), attend a bar dinner alone late at night and not offer a ride with someone or whatev. 
  It's unreal that she posted the question a month before.  Was told No.  And I wasn't invited.  Oh well.  Crud.  I am whining again.
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: Prissy on August 13, 2009, 08:25:03 PM
♥  I DID IT!!!!  It works!!
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: just2baccepted on August 14, 2009, 09:54:13 AM
Happydays09 I also just wanted to clarify that I didn't mean I thought you have Bipolar,  I was referring to the mother and possibly daughter.  I have a sister who has borderline personality and bipolar so I'm senstive to crazy behavior.
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 14, 2009, 11:46:51 AM
Quote from: Prissy on August 13, 2009, 08:25:03 PM
♥  I DID IT!!!!  It works!!
Do I get a plussie for that??  ♥
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 14, 2009, 11:52:27 AM
Quote from: just2baccepted on August 14, 2009, 09:54:13 AM
Happydays09 I also just wanted to clarify that I didn't mean I thought you have Bipolar,  I was referring to the mother and possibly daughter.  I have a sister who has borderline personality and bipolar so I'm senstive to crazy behavior.
I am really not sure, but there is SOMETHING.  My dil seems to always be very nervous and upset around her mother.  Always trying to please, say the right things - to get constant positive attention from the woman as much as she possibly can!  It is sad to watch, when the woman -her mother completely ignores her.
   The dil's mother is quite the package.  Domineering doesn't even begin to describe this hellion.  Bossy, opinionated, snarky, always displeased and be sure to know what she wants and when she wants it type!  Who needs that?
  They seem to always have large amounts of alcohol around whenever they are together?  I truly believe people tolerate this woman to the nth degree, for fear of being on the receiving end of her meanness.  As I was.  For I didn't give her much attention.  I was polite, and courteous, but I wasn't about to let that woman run MY life.  No thanks.
   
   
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: luise.volta on August 14, 2009, 01:15:30 PM
Oh, boy...large amounts of alcohol in an already no-win situation! :(
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 17, 2009, 12:19:27 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on August 14, 2009, 01:15:30 PM
Oh, boy...large amounts of alcohol in an already no-win situation! :(
We just didn't fit in.  We sat there with water or soft drinks and it seemed the "hosts" and their family felt put off by us not drinking?!  Something.  Not quite sure.  Even at the bridal hair thing, I was constantly being told to drink my mojito.  I immediately had suspicion.  There was a blonde woman painted on it.  I was the only blonde.  I just felt as if it was spiked with ex-lax or something.  And there was hair floating in it!  eeew.  no thanks.  Not thirsty! 
Title: Re: Bridges
Post by: Prissy on August 17, 2009, 01:23:52 PM
HappyDays,
This is out and out abuse of the highest order!!  There is no doubt that you and your daughter were being turned into a Bridal Party game...

Hair in the glass? A picture of you painted on it?  Something is wrong witht these people. The beauty shop owners and operators were in on it too?  Were they friends of the Bride?  Is it in your town? 

My gosh, it's probably been too long but I think I'd write them up with the BBB or find a place online that complains about businesses, SOMETHING! 

It sounds to me like she thinks you think you are better than they are. They are drinking and partying but you're not (when your scalp is being burned, you're not in the mood anyway!!).  Some people are like that, I've seen it.