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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: esme on January 05, 2011, 05:29:57 PM

Title: Hi everyone
Post by: esme on January 05, 2011, 05:29:57 PM
Well I've been reading though alot of posts here and have found a sense of peace knowing I'm not alone.

I have never been good setting boundries between my 3 sons and myself, we have always had issues, after my divorce. They were all grown but I still went though hell with them it was all my fault yada..on and on. Them not talking to me for months or years depending what it was I said or did this time to offend either them or their girlfriends.

Last year around this same time I contacted my son's long lost girlfriend..well they reconnected and married last Aug. I have always loved this girl and always stuck up for her. So to try to make this story short they invited my husband and my other 2 boys to their home for the holidays,,,about a 15 hr drive for all of us. When we were first invited, we were told we would get the spare room. (When we attended their wedding my husband and I stayed in a b&b a few blocks away it was wonderful, with that quiet time for us.) Anyway we agreed to stay at the house,,then the issue of getting a sitter for our 3 smal dogs came up. DIlbeing the sweetest person on earth (IMO) said bring them along.

We drove in late,,the first thing we were told is we were to sleep on the pull out sofa in the middle of the living room. Springs in my back all night,,we have a huge temprapetic. Next morning my other sons showed with their children. The next night my husband and I decided to go into the downstairs where there is a loveseat that pulled out and a sofa. That gave us some privicy but not confort.

Then next day everything was good except for around three oclock I was told by dil "your are making dinner tonight" as my mouth hit the floor because this dinner should have been started hours ago, she stated "your son said so" Well this did not go well as I had no sleep and coming down with and awful cold,, I sort of lost it when things got out of hand over boiling water. (She wanted me to make dinner while she supervised)

Then the next thing was, I was walking around downstairs, she came down and there was a toy there,,one of my grandsons, she pick it up a flung it across the room and hit me in the foot...no apology just "I told him to pick these up!" So I picked them up. Not to mention before going to bed every night my husband and I had to pick up the mess the children made (they played downstairs)

The next instant all the adults went outside to slay ride, all expect for my husband in the garage working (he works out of our home but could not get vacation so he packed his office up and brought work with him, to work in a little heated workshop) I went out to say something to him and we heard a loud bang,,she had let our dogs in the garage with the garage door open, if we hadn't looked out..they would have been gone! So when we returned to the house we decided the dogs were bugging her and left them in the room. Of course we said nothing to my son about all this. Then he was upset we were leaving dogs in the room.
When we returned all of a sudden she found a gift she forgot to give me.

Next day taking kids to the zoo, I decided not to go,,stayed there. Before he left, I was so sick and very cold I asked my son to light a fire to warm it up..his answer "no I better wait mom". Well I was cleaning up a room and dil and I had a whole conversation about what one of my grandsons was waring. She said goodbye to me I said good luck to her. I cleaned everything that day, took out the gagbage, did dishes, did laundy and made a nice pot of chicken soup. When they got home no one was speaking to me. Dil and my son were taking over the soup and did not even acknowledge anything I had done NOT EVEN a hello mom!!! I went out with my husband for a while, then my son came out,,and said "oh and by the way you guys are sleeping upstairs tonight" meaning back out on the pull out sofa in the middle of the living room..meaning waiting till everyone went to bed to sleep and waking up at the crack of dawn with all the grandbabies.
When I went back in the house to move a few of our personnal things into the living room my dil then started screaming at me that I haven't spoken to her in thee days.

Well here was may reaction, I did not argue with her I just walked out, slept there that night and left the next day, I am 56 years old, and just am sooo tired of these boys just ignoring my needs,,oh I forgot my son came out after me and informed me I shoud show my dil gratefullness . cleaned her house made dinner, did laundry??? I did not say that though I just packed up and left. Now of course they are all mad at me once more. Will it be two years two months, is it wrong to be tired of these kind of anttics..I have never done anything like this in the past. But I just coouldn't "stay for the kids" anymore. Could I be growing out of it? This however feels very uncomfortable for me..as I am so used to calling and begging their forgivness??

Any advice I would appreciate..sorry this is sooo long but I am still sick with a cold..hard to think straight.
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: LaurieS on January 05, 2011, 05:57:54 PM
Hi Esme

I don't know why anyone would invite you over then treat you like second rate citizens.  I would and have given my parents my room before I expected them to sleep on a pull out especially in the middle of commotion.  Since your son and dil are the worse host on earth, I don't believe I'd stay at there place again... the place down the street sounds nice. I would not even subject your dogs to their lack of consideration.

There is a nice way to ask someone to help with a meal.. they missed on that one as well.  Since you say that you've had a hard time setting any kind of boundaries with your boys... this might just be a great time.  If doing it for yourself is not a good enough reason, then do it for your husband, because he sure doesn't deserve this treatment from your sons.  But I do believe you did finally set one when you decided that enough was enough and chose to leave.  Only we can say when we don't want to stay in a situation..  you did that .. good for you.. that was step one out of many more to go.

By the way... Welcome

Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: esme on January 05, 2011, 06:06:06 PM
Thanks Laurie..you brought me to tears reading your answer,  when we went to visit my husbands son on his first night back from Iraq, he and his wife made us sleep in their bed, they slept with our granddaughters..that I truley felt bad about :)
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: LaurieS on January 05, 2011, 06:18:28 PM
Don't feel bad about someone giving you there bed, I think it's a great way to show your parents that you really do care about them and their comfort.  Besides the grand daughters probably thought it was a real treat having Mom and Dad with them for the night.

I'm not divorced and do not have a blended family.. but that had to be horribly embarrassing for you to have your own son show such disrespect towards not only you but your husband.  My mother was once quite rude to my dh, and it was based on her just being herself and nothing more.. I was more embarrassed by her rude behavior then angry.. Anger came later.

You never mentioned how your dh reacted to this visit.. was he equally upset or was he willing to continue bending and twisting at their whims and demands?
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: esme on January 05, 2011, 06:26:15 PM
Well...my wonderful hubby was willing to go with it for the week, but was sleeping in his jeans cause it was just to hard to get to his stuff. He is a very mellow guy, doesnt like to talk or get involved with these matters (hence me here)...however, when I said I wanted to go there was no objection on his part. I do believe if he thought I was wrong he would have protested. I know he would have said just deal with it. He did say from the begining he did not care for the dil, but I protected her. Yes, I felt awful about it, he makes himself very clear about the grandbabies, he love them all, but he needs his down time!
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: LaurieS on January 05, 2011, 06:40:05 PM
Sleeping in his jeans.. that's a shame.  You both did the right thing by packing up and leaving while your sanity was intact.  Maybe next holiday visit with or invite his son over.. he sounds more like my kinda guy.  You did what you needed to do.. don't beat yourself up.
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: Eva on January 05, 2011, 07:38:42 PM
hi Esme
and welcome here between us WWU
I am glad that you put your thoughts here for us to read,
we need to clear our heads, we need feed back, we need to close up..
so next time would be better

your son and DIL treat you like a camper,
like you should know what they want from you,
but you could not read their minds
cooking for so many in a different kitchen is no fun for any women,
I would probably just order pizza or KFC or
let DIL play with kids (get her out of the kitchen)
and asked my son to learn some new dish,
him cooking, me showing him what to cook,
like we used to cook together when he was little

our needs and priority are so different from younger generation priorities..
me getting older I would not sleep all night in place like you describe,
grand children need some quiet time
and your three dogs need some privacy too,
you need to walk them, pet them, they need you attention as well
b/c traveling 15 hours is not fun for a pet
so how could you go to ZOO where pets are not allowed?
just trip to the forest would be better for your pets and grandkids

just reading about your trip
I would say that all organization in your son's house was badly organized
no privacy, no respect, bad communication
so it is very hard to show gratefullness
when your comfort and privacy was in question
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: esme on January 05, 2011, 08:15:52 PM
Thank you both for your feedback :) I am so glad I found this place. I just have been obsessing over this since we returned, and I know my husband doesn't deserve that! (He had it hard enough). I have just always felt if my boys aren't talking to me it is my fault. I don't have alot of girlfriends, I left my hometown when I married again, and now begining retired, well it just feels good to get other adult women"s perspective! It was the strangest thing it was like alcaholics say I hit my rock bottom w/my kids. However the guilt of standing up for myself was very hard to deal with until I came here!!! So thanks again, and btw I'm not calling them,,,,so I'm sure this is very different for them too!
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: luise.volta on January 05, 2011, 08:27:15 PM
I see you as on your way to healing. Hang in there and post often. Sending love...
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: cremebrulee on January 06, 2011, 04:45:42 AM
Hi there and welcome....I don't understand, why your son and DIL would treat you like this?  however, it is over with and today is a new day...
try and forgive and forget, and the sooner you can do that, the better your relationship will be...it will take a while...

I'm not condoning they're actions, not in the least, it was not only rude but very wrong of them to do...

When they told you to come and bring the dogs, I don't believed they realized the whole of it...

Now here are some pointers...

Never, ever stay at someone else's home, get yourself and room, and never ever take your 3 dogs to someone else's home, dogs do get nervous and will have accidents...plus if your DIL wasn't used to dogs, even though she told you to bring them, they may have done something that completely unraveled her...you don't know? 

Board the dogs next time...or make sure you have a sitter before you go away....

it never usually works with 2 women in the same home...and  DIL could have been either unraveled by all these people in her home, or showing her true self or a combination of both it's no excuse, ...however, I know having company can be overwhelming, and I wouldn't expect anyone to sleep in anything else but a bed, if I did have company....or what I've done for my GD is purchased one of those inflatable beds...not b/c I don't have a bed for her, actually purchased it for an extra bed, incase on Christmas Day we get snow and my sister and her husband need to stay over....however, my GD loves the bed, and my Cousin takes one with her where ever she goes, she says, it's very comfortable....

I'm going to tell you, when I do have company, except for my son, DIL and my GD, I cannot wait until they leave to have my privacy back, and I absolutely hate it when someone brings they're dogs to my home...b/c I have a dog, there are always accidents, and the noise and commotion really gets on my nerves...I wasn't like that when I was young, however, I am now...and I won't go visit anyone, not anyone, unless they allow me to get a room close to where they live, b/c I want my privacy and while I appreciate them extending to me they're home, I will not do that...and I have several girlfriends who feel the same.

I am just not comfortable in someone else's home....and I can't explain that...

I know there are people who constantly go on vacation and contact a relative in the area where they are going on vacation and ask permission to stay with them, I could never ever do that...I'm not saying it's wrong to do, I just couldn't do it. 

So, even though I don't mind one bit, my kids coming to stay with me, I do mind friends and other relatives...doing so....however, you must know, I have MS, and as I said, when I was younger I didn't mind at all, but to have house guests for more then 2 or 3 days is so totally overwhelming to me and for me....

I would say, try your best to forget what happened and see what tomorrow brings....one thing that is very hard for us MIL's to understand it, when our son's take a wife, a lot of times, life as we knew it, changes forever....your DIL is a whole different person, raised by different people and they own they're own personal cultures, thoughts and beliefs...which are different from your own.  You have different ideas about cooking, cleaning, and child rearing, and you just don't know each other well enough yet, to conclude what gets on her nerves and what does not...

Give it time, and it may just iron itself out....

Good Luck
Creme

Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: Pooh on January 06, 2011, 05:44:39 AM
Welcome esme and I am very sorry you were treated so badly.  And yes, that is what it was.  From your post, you sound very much like a gracious house guest and they took advantage of you and your DH's good nature.  I think you did the totally right thing by leaving.  I think that did set a boundary with them.  They may be mad and their perception of everything is probably totally different than what happened, but there is nothing you can do about that.  All you can do is protect yourself and you did in the end.  What a wonderful, understanding DH you have to go along with all of that. 

Don't feel badly about what you did.  You took a step for yourself and your DH and it was the right one.  Hang in there and keep setting those boundaries.
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: MrsKitty on January 06, 2011, 10:31:08 AM
Hi E.
I agree with the others who said that next visit--stay at the B&B! You'll be comfortable and you can excuse yourself as needed if people are rude to you. My MIL taught me a good line to use when someone oversteps or is rude or presumptuous: "I'm afraid that won't work for me." Leave it at that and remove yourself from the situation. Good luck and chin up!
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: holliberri on January 06, 2011, 10:50:51 AM
In  my experiences, hotel stays avoid a lot of boundary crossing. I know that might not be ideal, but it has worked out for me. Also, I think our generation has different ideas about hospitality. Probably kind of sad, but what you describe is not unusual. I think I've seen myself do it, and quite a few other people my age.
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: esme on January 06, 2011, 11:09:50 AM
Thank you everyone for all your support and all your commets. I know what everyone is saying about staying some where else and I so agree with you all. I guess that's where I have to take some of this blame, because when we were invited, I did ask that very question..where will sleep? Should we stay at the b&b and we were assured we would have the spare room, and some privicy. So I walked into this VERY blind, and I have since apoligied to my dh. I DO love all of your comments and advice..that truley comes from the heart :)
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: luise.volta on January 06, 2011, 12:39:13 PM
People often tell us what they think we want to hear or what they think makes them look good or they don't think at all.. And then they have no ability to follow through. Bummer!  :o
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: LaurieS on January 06, 2011, 07:06:40 PM
Esme.. you didn't walk in blind.. you were blindsided.  I hope your dog left a puddle somewhere.  The best thing is, your dh will probably put himself out there again in the future if you were to ask...I don't have to tell you.. good guys are hard to come by
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: Pen on January 06, 2011, 11:54:23 PM
Esme, it's too bad you had to go through this after trying to protect everyone by specifically asking about the sleeping arrangements. I don't know why people can't just be honest instead of promising something they cannot deliver. At least you know now and will insist on staying at the B & B next time! My SM (definitely not of the younger generation) does similar shenanigans when we go to visit. I know now to have hotel and car reservations in place before I leave home. She can be very pushy, promising the use of a car or other amenities and then leaving us high and dry. We would rather not count on her, even though it costs us a lot more $$$. Of course when she invites herself to our house we are much more hospitable. Funny, huh?

Holliberri, your comment about generational differences made me wonder why my DS & DIL have never invited DH & me to their house. They aren't shy about asking for help moving, but other than that we've only been to their place briefly a couple of times to pick up or drop off something for them (always at their request - we don't drop in.) It's so odd....I don't even feel comfortable asking to use the restroom after driving for two hours, let alone for a cup of coffee or a water bottle. DIL has never offered any refreshment, even after we've worked all day helping them move. DS at least offers occasionally. As you might have guessed, we no longer accept their kind invitations to help them move.

If it is generational, how did it come to be the norm? And do they expect us to help ourselves or just sit there uncomfortably? (Perhaps we're seen as the messenger service - in that case, where's my tip?) I'm so confused.

Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: cremebrulee on January 07, 2011, 05:57:45 AM
Pen, it is difficult to fathom that your DIL cannot be more accomodating...it must be awful uncomfortable going to visit...
I had an idea while reading your post...and I don't know if this would work, however, when you go there, could you perhaps plan an outing near where they live, perhaps a show, or historical tour of somekind, call them, and tell them your going to be there for this or that, and invite them to dinner with you?  Tell them you would pick them up...then afterwards retire to a motel/B&B and make a weekend out of it, for you and hubby, a getaway...? 
Would that work? 

I don't know where they live, however, maybe there are some very interesting events going on there, and you could look into experiencing some of them?

and Pen, I'm not excusing your DIL's actions, regarding offering you coffee or something, however, I bet she wasn't raised to do so, otherwise she would...the more I read some stories in here, I'm surprised at how some DIL's don't seem to know how to be hospitable and a good hostess....? 
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: esme on January 07, 2011, 06:35:29 AM
Pen,
I am confused on this too..my youngest son's wife has many times invited us to there home. These two kids go out of their way to make us comfortable. Last time I went alone and I walked in to a huge air mattress in the living room with tons of blankets and pillows!! I slept there the first night w/ my GS. In the am I insisted she take it down, and I would gladly sleep on the sofa. All went very well..but I didn't want it in her way! I have cooked in their home and never a problem they love it. Now there have been times when we were there that I knew she was being push to her limit...and I have said to my dh..enough we should go, she's had enough and we graciously leave:) She has never been rude or mean..I just knew she is tired. Also my dh's son and his wife are soooo hospitable. So generational I am confused too!
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: LaurieS on January 07, 2011, 06:50:06 AM
Hey there Esme... at any point did you ask why you did not have the room that you were promised?  Who was in that room while you were not sleeping your night away on the fold out? See this is where my husband probably would have escalated the issue and continued to sleep naked.. yep that probably would have changed things
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: esme on January 07, 2011, 07:19:43 AM
LOL Laurie...your too funny. My younger son and his wife took that room with their two boys. My older son did give up his room for one night so I could sleep in there,,,but I slept in a youth bed with two other gc...all fo us were exhasted the next day!! That night though my dh was still stuck. Oh and did I mention they kept saying there was blankets in the ottomen. A crochet blanket with hugh holes a little girls comforter..and the dog blanket??? Yes u heard me right my dh slept with the dog blanket!! lol
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: LaurieS on January 07, 2011, 07:29:53 AM
Keep that man he is a saint. 
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: Pooh on January 07, 2011, 07:31:35 AM
And she didn't mean Saint Bernard   ;D
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: luise.volta on January 07, 2011, 08:02:39 AM
;D ;D Oh, Pooh! ;D ;D
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: esme on January 07, 2011, 08:39:50 AM
I know he is....and someone metion that he would do it again if I asked. I'm sure he would but he would make sure we had sleeping arragements made B&B! I just don't think we will ever be invited back, I know in my sons eyes we acted badly :-[
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: cd1029 on January 07, 2011, 08:43:27 AM
I would also suggest that you write yourself a letter about this visit and the next time you are invited read the letter.  it is easy to forget how things were last time, expecting that 'this' time they will be wonderful.

Awful situation.  Rude, ungracious, thoughtless ... they are young, entitled, and I wonder if they were putting you in your place for some reason or other ...

but regardless, you deserve better.
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: esme on January 07, 2011, 08:48:37 AM
cd...that's just the way I felt!!!! You hit the nail right on the head!!! Like they were the parents trying to teach me something I was missing, and I just decide NO I am NOT taking this :-\
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: Pen on January 07, 2011, 09:26:29 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on January 07, 2011, 05:57:45 AM
Pen, it is difficult to fathom that your DIL cannot be more accomodating...it must be awful uncomfortable going to visit...
I had an idea while reading your post...and I don't know if this would work, however, when you go there, could you perhaps plan an outing near where they live, perhaps a show, or historical tour of somekind, call them, and tell them your going to be there for this or that, and invite them to dinner with you?  Tell them you would pick them up...then afterwards retire to a motel/B&B and make a weekend out of it, for you and hubby, a getaway...? 
Would that work? 

I don't know where they live, however, maybe there are some very interesting events going on there, and you could look into experiencing some of them?

and Pen, I'm not excusing your DIL's actions, regarding offering you coffee or something, however, I bet she wasn't raised to do so, otherwise she would...the more I read some stories in here, I'm surprised at how some DIL's don't seem to know how to be hospitable and a good hostess....?

Creme, we do that sometimes; they are keen to go out with us 'cos DH always picks up the bill for dinner or whatever :) But we don't get invited in for coffee after. Once I said, "We need to use the rr before we head back" & DS said OK, come in. DIL couldn't wait to get us out of there.

DIL's FOO loves to entertain & they're very hospitable to those they like. I think that's the point :(

On the positive side, DIL is behaving better towards me in my home. Perhaps one day she won't feel the need to be rude in hers.
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: luise.volta on January 07, 2011, 09:46:56 AM
Yes, upbringing is something that can stay with us. I love it when someone offers me a "cuppa" but when they drop in on me, I don't even think of it.  :-[
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: Swiftly on January 08, 2011, 11:27:20 PM
I think I have a different take on this situation - it looks like there were several children visiting, plus 3 dogs, and 6 adults.  That would be very stressful to have that much company for several days- and I think the children's activity, toys, noise level, and everything else would be a hard thing to take care of as a hostess.  The DIL and son put the 2 families in the rooms, since the kids needed to be accommodated also.  So maybe esme didn't get the most comfortable bed - maybe her needs weren't the most important?  I actually feel sorry for DIL - she probably was hoping the kids would pick up their toys too, and threw the toy out of her own frustration.  Maybe - just maybe - we should look at the whole situation from the poor DIL's (and son's) eyes.  They probably don't want to have that much company for a long time - especially when MIL left in anger!
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: stilltryen on January 09, 2011, 01:09:16 AM
Angel, you make a couple of good points, but they are the ones who did the inviting.  Did they not get through rudimentary math back in elementary school?  Kids are far more resilient, their bones are much younger!  When we would all descend on my grandparents in the summer, there were times we had 6-8 children sleeping on the living room floor.  You couldn't step in there without stepping on one of us!  We loved it, it was fun.  So, perhaps it's my generation, but, in a way, I think the parents' needs WERE the most important.  When people are older (and I don't mean 70's or 80's necessarily), they do need a comfortable bed and some extra accomodations.  We were lucky enough in our first home to have a bedroom with a private bath in our basement for my parents.  When they came to visit, they had total privacy.  But once I had my parents come, my brother and his wife and their two children.  I scrambled, but we made it!

DIL did probably throw the toy in frustration, but then she should have been enough of an adult to realize that the kids not picking up the toys weren't her MIL's fault, so she should have stopped - and then gone around and picked up the toys herself.  She must have realized that stuff was getting done and she wasn't doing it, didn't it occur to her how that was happening?  Why did she not think, "Oh, wow, if I'm tired, she's older, she must REALLY be exhausted."  As for the dinner, and having MIL do it at the last minute, again, why not think, "Hey, why don't we just order pizza in for the night?"  I think that you're right, they made a mistake in asking that many people there.  I also think they made another mistake by reverting to acting like children and expecting "the parents" to clean, cook and make sure everything worked.  When the parents didn't, they got upset.

And Esme, if you didn't set boundaries before, I don't know how it'll work trying to set them up now, but better late than never.
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: luise.volta on January 09, 2011, 08:26:55 AM
Part of maturing is doing it wrong, right? We invite others and have this expectation that it will all be lov-er-ly.
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: esme on January 09, 2011, 09:17:42 AM
Angel,
First I would like to say I did not leave in Anger. I was hurt by dil lying telling my ds I did not talk to her for 3 days. I was hurt because I spent all day cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry..and not being thanked. I left because the only defense I had was to plead with my ds to believe me over his new wife. Yes....myself and my dh were willing to put up with the sleeping arrangements until the end of the visit. However, when the lying started, and when they wouldn't talk to me after cleaning all day...on top of that I was sick....well I just felt I was in a no win situation. Hopefully leaving as I did....we can all just chalk it up to the bad situation. If I had stayed and argued an pleaded with my ds's to believe me...which would have been worst?
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: esme on January 09, 2011, 10:12:18 AM
and another thing ..is I feel VERY bad about bring the dogs. I also feel very bad for my dil for what she put up with having all of us there. I think we all made mistakes hopefully though someday we can put this all behind and have a nice visit, but I just refuse to take all the blame in this time. The only way I could have stayed, is apologizing for sleeping on pull outs, for cleaning, for bringing food, (her complaint there was there was no room to store it) for cleaning, ...well I hope you get it.
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: Pen on January 09, 2011, 10:25:14 AM
Esme, you didn't do anything wrong. You were invited, and you did exactly what your DIL requested and left when you saw it could get more out of control. You contributed food, cooked and cleaned - the model houseguest. I'll put you up in the nice guestroom anytime! The dogs will have to stay out in the run since we have allergies :)

My SM actually invited herself and my DF to stay here and then demanded separate bedrooms and bath knowing that all the kids would be home as well. Although we resented being blindsided by their demands, I tried to treat them as my honored, invited guests. We even purchased furniture that would help them be more comfortable as well as accomodated their dietary restrictions. How many more visits will I have with my DF? Did they "earn" the better accomodations? Probably not, but they are older and have more needs. I hope when I'm their age my needs will be taken into consideration.

My children are respectful to their GPs because I raised them to be so, and we heard not one peep from any of them regarding their less-than-ideal sleeping arrangements. They understand that my elderly DF has certain needs that they, thankfully, don't yet have.

Perhaps your DIL needed to be the martyr for some reason, and her lying took it over the line. I understand why you left, Esme...it was going nowhere. Live & learn! I hope your next visit will be much better.
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: esme on January 09, 2011, 11:13:19 AM
Hi Pen,
My in-laws used to drop in and we all made arrangements...as you have done. :)
Believe when I say if I though of something I could have walked in and said I'm sorry for,,I would have. Thanks so much for your support. Thank you to everyone who had kind words and encouragement..I do appreciate it!
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: neecee on January 09, 2011, 03:18:21 PM
Esme, you did well.  Sounds like you handled yourself with grace and kindness.  It is fine to just call it a day.  I still have neices and kids who come to our house to stay and it is exhausting. Also, they want us to come to them and stay at their house.  We are blessed!  BUT...

But, like so many others here, I have learned to take care of myself by finding a nice restful hotel and managing my time at the kids' houses.  I feel tired after a long day of people and need a place to rest myself.  Maybe those kids of yours had no idea.  Kids don't realize who we are as older adults.  We changed and they still think we are these hearty young parents that we were when they were kids.

Why not see if time can help.  No need to go over details with them.  Give everyone a graceful exit.  that cold must have been a doozy! Oh and your back!!! 

So, maybe I am just naive' but why do we have to keep talking it over with our kids???  Cannot they just accept that maybe we are crankier than we used to be? When we were kids, there were all these characters in our lives that drifted through our homes.  Uncles and Aunts and crazy grannys and No one had to talk it over.  No one had to understand anything.  We just respected those visitors, fed them and sent them home til next year.  Geez!



Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: luise.volta on January 09, 2011, 06:55:28 PM
"Those were the days, my friend...we thought they'd never end..."  :'(
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: holliberri on January 10, 2011, 09:47:00 AM
I thought of my response over the weekend, and maybe it is not generational. I think there are many different ways of doing things.  I stayed at my SIL's for the weekend a few months ago and it was every man for himself.  If you wanted something, you grabbed it yourself; if you wanted food, you cooked.  This was a bit disconcerting. I've never been in that situation before; however, I got used to it fast. It was actually nice. I certainly didn't feel like I was intruding, or that she was going out of her way.  That menat, my being there wasn't a big deal for her, and wasn't totally putting her out. 

This is not how I would do things if I had guests, but I'm not sure that it is wrong. That is how her and her family have always done things. Who am I to say it was wrong? (She and I are the same age by the way, so I think that may null my generation theory).

I adapted to her household, and it was wonderful; for different reasons than why staying at my house may be wonderful. I think flexibility may be key here; and learning not to hang on to expectations. Tough for me to do, but I think I got a lot more out of that, than being upset that she didn't wash the sheets for the bed we were in, or that the house wasn't cleaned. It was a relief to know that she didn't go to all this trouble to attain an ideal. It showed confidence on her part, and it made me actually feel like I was really fitting in to her lifestyle.
Title: Re: Hi everyone
Post by: esme on January 10, 2011, 10:38:05 AM
Holliberri,
Now I smile bc we have stayed at my Sil's home too...and she too is the same way, and is older than I and my dh. Her home is wonderful, spotless, and open. Everything went wonderful and we have been there more than once. On evenings I felt like cooking I did,,,the nights she felt like she did. On those other times, there were sandwiches, soup u had what ever was on hand. I never once felt uncomfortable or in the way. In my opinion she was a wonderful hostess. I always just loved going there, and I still do to this day. So really I have to ask myself, what the heck??? :)