September 22, 2023, 09:24:52 PM


"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Messages - Pooh

Welcome Rockyboo.  Glad you found this place.  I have the same situation.  I have one Son that I am Mother of the Year and the other, we haven't spoken in gosh.....five years now.  I did ultimately cut him off, after trying for a couple of years to get along and figure out the issues.  Mine was after he married a very controlling girl.  We had a great relationship until then, then it went downhill fast.  The problem I found, which sounds like yours too, is when the other party is not taking any responsibility for what they are doing or did.

It's all your fault and now he has a shrink that is agreeing with him.  Worse thing ever when they find people that will validate how right they are.  We all know we are human and as parents, mistakes get made and lessons learned on both ends.  But when one party believes in their head, they are right and you are not, you are fighting a losing battle.

I hated to ultimately say, "I can't do this any longer.  I can't sit around and stress daily on what's wrong, why are they mad, what did I do and how can I fix it."  It was consuming me and mine just finally came to a head when I found out, via someone in a grocery store, that they were expecting their first child.  That pretty much told me all I needed to know when they couldn't even bother to let me know themselves and everyone else knew.  So I let my Son know I loved him, but I couldn't do the game any longer and until he was willing to talk about it, I wasn't communicating any longer.  The ball was left in his court and I haven't heard from him since.

It is hard.  I spent several years wallowing in guilt, shame, pain and even figured I must have been a bad Mother for him to do this.  But once I got away from the situation, I was able to heal.  I had to grieve, I had to get mad, and finally...I came to a place this last year where I could let go.  I raised him.  He's alive and living his life.  I would have preferred to be in it, but it wasn't my choice any longer, it was his. 

Give yourself time.  There truly is light at the end of the tunnel, it just seems really far off at times.  I don't miss the drama.  I don't miss the stress and I dang sure don't miss dealing with DIL's attitude. 
Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
May 19, 2017, 05:21:39 AM're going to be a Big City Girl!  Maybe you can revamp a remake of "Sex and the City?"  Hee Hee.

I think that's an awesome plan to be closer.  I know no one wants to think of ourselves as a burden to our family, but I also know that I worry about my parents being away and if they were 15 minutes away, I would feel better about being able to get to them and help if they need it.  So being closer will also probably give Kirk a sense of peace just knowing he can get there faster.

We've been totally crazy bonkers.  We listed our house and it sold in 24 hours!  Ok, great problem to have but DH and I looked at each other and said, "Well, now where we going?"  We had this glorious plan of listing the house (which we worked on two months first to get ready) and then start looking in case it sold in a month or two.  What's the saying about the best laid plans?  So it was a mad scramble for a week looking.  But, we did find our dream place!  It's a small mini farm!  3 1/2 acres, small, one level house, barn, chicken coop, goat area and goat house and detached huge garage.  The acreage is fenced in all the way around.  It is flat as a pancake and beautiful out there.  It's only about 10 minutes outside the City, so my commute will not be bad.

And it has a 125 square foot building in the back yard.  One of the prefab buildings that the man was using as an at home office.  Carpeted, walled, electricity, heat and air.  We can very easily add on to it (plenty of space) if we need to turn it into a small house.  For the moment, it will be my craft cottage, so we will add a sink and water to make it easier to convert later if need be.  We are very excited, but very busy packing, getting inspections and all the buying/selling junk.

So I'll give you guys your laugh for the day.  My husband is a lunatic.  Not like Charles Manson Robin Williams lunatic.  Tons of fun and crazy.  So we decided we needed to "name" our little mini farm and have tossed around names for two weeks.  Here's our final decision and a design I made to turn into a sign. 

Well that's just hurtful.  Of course you're upset because although you've moved on, that's just a blow to the heart.

That's the truth and now the other truth, that's not so fun.  He's an adult and unfortunately, he gets to pick who he is friend's with.  Yes, it stinks, but since he was only 12, there is an outside chance that she has come back into his life in another role now.
She could be a business relationship via another friend, or a cousin of a friend he hangs out with so he's ran across her again.  The point is, you don't know.  It could have nothing to do with what happened years ago.  And then maybe it does and since his Father has passed, he was curious to know what he could about him. 

I know when my OS added the woman that my husband left me for, I was very hurt.  But, in the end, he has a relationship with her because of his Father (who did end up marrying her eventually).  His adult relationships are not my business any longer. 

I would just leave it alone.  Unless you start seeing posts from her on his page, or comments where they are chummy, I wouldn't say anything.  If that starts happening, then I personally would say something next I spoke with him.  Something along the lines
of noticing all the comments and that it took your breath when you saw who it was.   Give him a chance to explain.
Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
April 26, 2017, 05:10:37 AM
Mine is just beginning Luise.  My Step Father (who is my Daddy and been there since I was two) was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis a couple of years ago.  It is asbestos related from his years in the Navy.  The last year, he has gone downhill quickly.  My Mother was healthy until a year ago, and now she is going from one thing the next.  Nothing major, but the years are starting to show.

I expect in the next year or so, we will be dealing with their final years.  They built their dream retirement home 10 years ago, in the country.  It is about an hour and a half from us.  We are in the process of selling our home and looking for our retirement home for the future.  I've caught myself looking at houses with 'extra room".  I have a very independent Mother who would not want to live with anyone unless she can have her own space.  She cared for her parents for years, living with her Father for several of those, and like you, said she never wants to do that to her children.

I jokingly told her I would buy her a "she shed" and put it in the back yard.  She'll never be able to manage their home by herself. It's big and has acres that she can not keep up, so I expect she will sell it and move closer to us.  Or at least that's my hope.  My hubs Mother is 83 and still lives by herself and is spunky as ever.  So hubs and I both keep looking at houses with extra room in case we need to do something in the coming years. 
I always told my kiddos, when they did something bad, the first time was a mistake and you learn from it.  The second time is a choice and you live with it.  If you have concrete proof, then I would probably ask to talk to her and just simply tell her that you have found out and that you can not go through all of it again.  But because she's an adult, she gets to make her choices, not you, so you just want to distance yourself instead of getting involved again.
Here's one of my favorites Marina.  "Don't let someone rent space in your head that's not paying rent."  :)
Grab Bag / Re: Pooh, where are you?
April 19, 2017, 11:16:30 AM
Aww thanks guys.  Ya'll can't get rid of my sarcastic self that easy.  I'll be around.  Thank you for all of the kind words.

And hang in there guys!  I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel if that's where you want to be.
Grab Bag / Re: Pooh, where are you?
April 17, 2017, 05:29:42 AM
I'm alive and kicking! 

I've been checking off and on, but I've seriously just been extremely busy.  We have found our current house is not going to be "aging friendly".  Stairs and
other things got us both thinking that we probably need to think of the future years.  So we've spent the last 2 months, repairing, painting, etc. to get it ready for the market.
My realtor is sending a stager in tonight, and then a photographer Wednesday, so hopefully it will be up by next week.

In the meantime, as things go, we started looking in case it sold quickly, which they seem to think it will sell very quickly.  And of course, Murphy's Law, we found a house we love!
So have been trying to talk the seller into taking a contract based on our house selling. 

Had a couple of surgeries on my bum arm, but that's doing much better.

As far as kids/grandkids good ones moved back to Texas right before Christmas.  Just BAM!  Gone.  So I miss my GC, but I still get to Skype.  My bad situation with oldest DS has had
no changed in 5 years.  So I guess I have finally reached a place in my life where I have accepted everything.  It is what it is and I'm at peace with it finally.  I can honestly say I just wish them the
best in life and have moved on.

This place was my saving grace when all was going on.  My sanity was seriously in question some days and I didn't think I would survive other days.  The pain and grief were overwhelming.  But,
once I realized that I hadn't done anything, got through the anger, the days/weeks got better.  And now I finally feel completely at peace with the situation.  I decided I was going to forgive them.
Just myself one day...told myself that I wasn't hurting as bad and that I needed to forgive them for myself.  It was my final thing that allowed me to move on for good.

There is no magic pill.  There is no one-size-fits-all solution.  It's an individual journey for each person and one that you must travel.  You can not get where you are going without putting a foot on each
leg of the trip.  Look around, take in the sights and move to the next trail.  Each trail is full of peril, danger, pain, laughs, tears and anger.  Be prepared to fight demons blocking the path. 
The only thing you can not do is hide from the demon, or sit down on the trail and give up.  Finish each segment and proceed forward.  Oh there were times I lingered on certain paths and turned them
into a rest stop, but I had to force myself to continue on after spending a few weeks at the vending machine.

I can not thank Luise, Pen and others here that have come and gone for all the help, guidance and love that has been shown to me on this trip.  Luise has always given a safe place to land, or some extra
quarters for the vending machine.  And let's not forget the behind-the-scenes guru Kirk.  You have an amazing Son Luise to share his time with all of us.

I will check in from time to time to see how everyone is doing, but where once I lived here, I feel like I need to become an occasional visitor now. 

I love you all and please don't give up on yourselves.  My wish is for everyone here to find peace in their situation.  Life is too short to waste our years in torment.  Life is meant to be lived.
Quote from: Pen on November 29, 2016, 08:57:52 AM
So how did the naked hot chocolate drinking and caroling go, Pooh?  ;)

My DF married a jealous, controlling doctor, too. I can't even talk to him on the phone w/o her being on the other line. DS also married a controlling professional woman. I am the opposite of a control freak. Perhaps I should become one?

***Note:  Make sure the hot chocolate has cooled some before running around naked..... :)
I have two SIL's that are hubby's Sisters, and I will tell you, we get along fine but there is no closeness.  Nothing wrong...we are just totally different.  We will never be close simply because of our differences.  And that is perfectly ok.  We do talk, and have a fine time at family events but that's it.  And I do understand your feelings.  I have no Sisters and was hopeful that I could be close with the SIL's.  But the differences are vast between us and I figured out quick, that was not going to happen.  And really, it's not them, it's me.
Welcome.  I would do exactly as you were thinking.  Enjoy your time with her, and do your best when he's around.  It is truly her issue to work out with him.
Welcome.  The other ladies have nailed it, but you have to come to the conclusions in your own time.  Your expectation is that you will see DS on holidays.  Their expectation is that as long as they are coming "around" the holidays, that should be good.  So as Luise said, I had to learn that my expectations were not in line with theirs and also had to remember those years I spent running like crazy on the holidays to appease everyone.  It wasn't that I didn't want to see them, it just took all the fun out of the holiday to be running, running and more running. 

So I had to learn to make plans for me and DH, and if it worked out for the kids, it did.  If it didn't, we figured out something else.  Not my ideal situation as it's normal to want your family around on the holiday, but it still works out.  I think having them the week before is excellent.  Now you and DH can make your own plans for Christmas Day.  You can run around naked, sipping hot chocolate and singing Christmas songs at the top of your lungs! :)
I am spending Thanksgiving with my Mom and Dad.  My brother, can't be bothered to come, like always.  My Father is not doing well.  He has pulmonary fibrosis and I've watched him deteriorate tremendously this year, so the fact my brother isn't taking this opportunity, infuriates me to no end!  So me and hubby told them we would be there with bells on.  It will just be the four of us and that's perfectly ok.

It's kind of ironic.  For years I worried about myself and my own Son, and didn't pay much attention to the fact that my own brother does it to our parents.  So I now concentrate my efforts on those that want us around and I find that I enjoy the holidays now even more that I know I'm making it special for them.  It truly makes a huge difference to know that the people you are spending time with, want you there and enjoy having you.

So my advise is to surround yourself with people that enjoy you.  It doesn't have to be family.  By not dreading going, or worry about it, I now enjoy it again.
Welcome.  Glad you found us but sorry you had to.  The lovely Ladies here have given you very wise advice.  Protecting our own sanity ends up being the end game for many of us here.  I made a conscious decision 3 years ago, to eliminate the drama my relationship with my Son was causing (it was DIL but Son sat back and did nothing, so both of them).  Since then, yes...I still wish it could be different but nothing has changed except I was able to move on in my own life and realize that I matter too.
OH bless you girl.  Caught between being nice because you see her situation and trying to slack off.

I would continue as you are doing since you are trying to maintain the friendship and not write her off.  Only return phone calls when you have time or want to and only make plans when you are up to it.  Maybe she will eventually get the hint?