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*hole...not whole

Thank you for taking the time to reply!
My youngest is in grad school now, and yes, she is trying to make plans for the weekend.
After numerous discussions, my siblings and closest friends have decided to not attend the wedding. They feel they no longer know who this person is. The beautiful, kind person they once knew no longer exists. I am keeping the porch light on, just not standing at the door anymore.
I found out her dog passed away and reached out to her with words of comfort. I got a two word "thank you" response. At least she responded...
I know that each person in this world is responsible for their own happiness. I try to not perseverate about this. There is a whole in our lives that I am learning to live with; some days are more difficult than others. I do not have a choice but to move on.
I am taking joy in moving my youngest into her apartment, shopping and decorating...sad my oldest isn't there to share in the laughs and fun as we did for her grad school apartment. But, life isn't a straight line...so many curves.
Work, golf, travel, good friends keep me busy, but I'm sure as you know, I would trade it all for a loving day with my first born.
Happy Mother's Day... My youngest and I plan on breakfast at our favorite place followed by a day of fun things to do together after visiting my mom's grave. (I'm glad my mom is not around to see the change in my oldest daughter. I am embarrassed that I failed at being a mother; something I thought I was good at. I hope you have a beautiful day...your son is lucky to have a mother who is kind, and wise!

I have another dilemma I was wondering if someone could please give me advice?
My estranged daughter wants me at the wedding, but her only sister refuses to go. Her sister was originally the maid of honor then demoted to co-maid of honor, then demoted again to bridesmaid. Her sister feels it is a slap in the face and humiliated with these demotions. Their relationship is practically non-existent after being inseparable and so close for years - close that is until the oldest got engaged - from there my daughter's relationship us deteriorated to the point of estrangement. I want to go to the ceremony only and then leave the reception to be with younger sister. I am torn between both children because my oldest, the bride, has been so unkind to everyone, and my youngest will be left alone. What should I do?

Thank you for responding; your kind words have much wisdom.
Funny, I respond to questions about my daughter with "no news is good news" already, and when I hear things that are atypical about her life I usually respond, that "I am not dipping my toe back in that crazy pool." I like your "not my circus, not my monkeys" better. It is less offensive.
I just mailed a letter to my daughter yesterday. My therapist took out my self-deprecating, and self-blame statements. Sending this final letter has given me some peace of mind/closure. It is up to my daughter now...

Thank you again for reaching out. Please keep me posted about your new relationship with son; I am truly happy for you. I am indebted to you. 

I have never reached out on the Internet. I am so heartbroken that I can barely function. My daughter got married without me. She invited her in-laws, but not me or her sister to a small Covid beach wedding. The pain I feel is insurmountable. I blame myself and have apologized, even groveled to my daughter and son - in- law for forgiveness. She must have been in a lot of pain to make that decision, and I caused it.

It all started when she dropped out of a fully funded Phd program at an Ivy league school. I was against this decision begging her to give the program a year before she made a life-altering decision to drop, but she dropped out anyway, and her husband (then boyfriend) and his parents helped her move out of her apartment into their house. From there the estrangement got worse and worse.

My daughter and I were inseparable before she met her husband on the Internet. He is an only child, and engineer. My daughter has a Master's degree and an excellent job in healthcare, and a sister four years younger.

My ex-husband and I paid almost all of her student loans leaving her a nominal amount to pay so that she had some "skin in the game." She attended private high school, private college and grad school. She had the best childhood, and even she would admit that.

Unfortunately, my husband and I divorced when she was in grad school, and it was an acrimonious divorce after 30 years of marriage. I have moved on, and plan to get remarried to a wonderful man from my childhood.
All of this plays into her creating boundaries that alienate me, and her younger sister who now attends grad school locally.

My daughter is angry with me for a few reasons:
1. because I insisted she stay close with her sister. I saw her pulling away from her sister from the beginning of her new relationship. We all live within 30 minutes of each other.
2. because I was telling her to slow down with the wedding plans, she planned on a two year engagement, and I wasn't jumping to get everything done within the first month. She saw this as not being supportive. If I could only go back, I would do everything the instant she wanted. I was just finalizing my divorce, moving out of my home of 20 years, and I work full time.
3. I was upset that she bought a house in a bad neighborhood within months of getting her first job. (No real savings yet.) She included her in-laws on the decision but not me. They helped her find it.
4. because I asked to have an engagement dinner rather than lunch celebration that her fiance was planning. I didn't know that was not okay to ask. I thought the proposal was private for just the two of them, but the celebration could be discussed. I was wrong.
5. because she felt I was not supporting her decisions, and quite honestly, I wasn't. I never thought not supporting her decisions would result in estrangement. We always discussed everything in the past. She would always so,"NO, NO, NO, and then process what was said, and come back with " I guess you were right." It is the standing joke in the family. It was our dynamic... until she met her now husband. If I only knew then, I would have kept my mouth shut.

I feel used, and yes, that awful word that is so overused...I feel abused. The verbal assault she attacks me with would make a lion cower. I have been in therapy for a year, and my therapist wants me to stop reaching out to her because she feels my daughter is abusive to me. She didn't call me on my birthday, Christmas, Easter, etc. I have never stopped calling, sending cards, texts. It is so painful to have them go unanswered. At one point when she had a crisis, she called me and I helped her think it through. She thanked me but the next conversation, I didn't agree with what she said, she told me to go away, that she couldn't handle the emotional roller coaster.
I planned her bridal shower, but it was not what or where she wanted. Her sister was the host, and sent out beautiful invitations. She no longer wants a shower there. She had decided to throw her own shower. I ended up losing my deposit on the restaurant that I booked, and brought her to where she originally agreed was perfect.

There are always three sides to every story, hers, mine, and somewhere is the middle is the truth.
She is now going through with her big wedding now that Covid is lessening the restrictions, but insists on not telling anyone she is already married. I think it is manipulative...
She asked her sister to step down as maid of honor, and hasn't spoken to her in over a year. They were soooo close. She has invited me to her "wedding" as a guest, and I don't know what to do.

I don't know my beautiful daughter anymore. Please can't believe this has happened to us. I feel like I am in a nightmare that wont' go away. I miss my daughter so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!