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Problem Solving => Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters => Topic started by: cremebrulee on January 20, 2010, 04:12:43 AM

Title: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: cremebrulee on January 20, 2010, 04:12:43 AM
Good Morning
Sometimes, when my son phones, our conversations are nice...other times, I feel so nervous...and babble, about nothing...I'm excited to hear from him, but, there is always a bee sting b/c of what happened...and most of the time, even though I love him with all my heart and soul...he seems like a stranger to me...someone I don't even know any more...I keep asking him if I may send him things over there, that he may need, and he rejects my offers, says he has everything...so every week I send him magazines and a few CD's, cross word puzzles, now and then...but, I don't even feel like his mother any longer...and it hurts so badly. 

I must admit, I am hurt and a bit jealous that he is closer to his step mom now, due to all this...and it's ok, in a lot of ways, I'm glad he has her...

I just feel sometimes, so sad...like my life will end, without knowing my son anymore, and like he doesn't like me anymore...and he calls, b/c his dad told him that it is important, no matter what to keep contact with his mother, so he does, but not because he wants to, yanno....

Such a wedge has been driven between us...and it's been 12 years, such a long time...I miss him so, he will always be my son, and I will always love him dearly...it just sometimes, hurts so badly...

Because his wife has made such a big stink about me, I suppose he is also embarrassed of me...his friends, say they love me, and are constantly doing nice things for me....should that be enough?  Should I believe them...?  They say they are so frustrated and angry that this has happened...are they saying that just to make me feel better...what did I do in my life time to cause this to happen.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm such a bad person for him to stay away...

I dont' get any school pictures of my GD unless he remembers to send them.  He sent me a nice bouquet of flowers for my birthday and a beautiful picture of my GD for Christmas...I should be thankful and praise God, b/c for years, there was nothing...when I cut them off...I think it was for 2 or 3 years, I can't remember anymore...

I sometimes wonder if I was a bad mom...and yet, all the kids came to our home?  I wonder if he's angry with me, b/c I allowed him to go to live with his father when he was 15?  I really thought, he'd come of age, where he needed his father's love and to get to know him again, after that awful time with his stepmother when he was 7.  And when he went to live with his dad, he came up every other weekend, even when he started driving...he came....???? 

But, I know now I did wrong, by leaving him go to there to live full time...I was just so upset when he told me and didn't think straight.  I didn't think his step mother's demeaner would rub off on him, like it did...and I never ever thought, he'd get angry with me, b/c I was mad that she spoke to me so cruely...that time I bumped into them...and I told my son about it, actually yelled at him.  His step mother set me up...and said "creme, when you were there, did DIL work?"  (at that time, sometimes, she'd work a few days a month)  I said no, why, and so smuggly she said and I will never forget this..."well when we were there, she worked and we had GD all to ourselves all day".  Man oh man did that cut deep.  That hurt so badly...I can't tell you...and my son refuses to see this...and excuse it, and that hurts even more, that it didn't bother him one bit that she said that to me...why?  Why, what did I do in my lifetime to deserve this. 

School was starting up in a few weeks and it never ever occured to me to ask him if he would go there for summer, and I would have him every other weekend...and then come back in the winter to go to school....I was so young, and always wanted to do what was best for him, what would make him happy...I never wanted him to feel like we were playing tug of war with him...

He himself has estranged from me...is this how my life ends?  Will I never get to know my GD?  When he is home, he makes certain she calls....I can't call her, b/c my DIL won't answer the phone, for many years, years..I phoned her and she never answered or returned my calls, unless I would mention it to him...am I wrong for not calling my GD anyway, wrong for not trying...I fear rejection...fear her not answering...hate the idea of even talking to her...asking her for permission...am I wrong? 

I fear sending my GD anything...b/c she threw stuff away....did my GD even receive half of the packages I was sending every month?  I know when my son was there and if the packages arrived, my GD got them....but what about all those other times, when he wasn't there? 

My son, gets really angry with me, if I send him an email, or when I used to call and leave messages for him....I'd ask him if he got them...reason being, is, I know in the very beginning when they got married, she used to erase the messages.  I didn't trust her anymore, to allow my son to even receive messages from me.  I don't trust sending my GD anything unless it's her birthday or Christmas....I used to send her all kinds of things...little gifts, games, money, a lot of cloth...

My son doesn't understand, once someone lies to you, or erases messages, you don't trust them any more...and yes, that was a long time ago, but she never said she  was sorry, that she wouldn't do that again...she yelled at me for not calling her, then when I do, she never answers her phone?????  What the heck am I supposed to do?

One gal at work who knows the situation was beaming from ear to ear....she had such a wonderful weekend with her little GD, and was telling me about it...and I was so happy for her...all of a sudden she got this horrified look on her face and started to cry, and said..."Oh my God, Creme, I'm so so sorry"....and I started to cry, and said..."my gosh, please don't do that, please don't feel like you can't share the joy of your family with me...please....I love to hear it....and about your children and Grand Children"....she knows I haven't seen my son and GD in over 3 years, except on web cam. 

I'm sorry, just having a bad day...I miss them so much....

Can't tell you how many times, I'd prayed for a DIL before my son was married...couldn't wait for him to have a family, to have a daughter, and grand children....I was so happy for him when he told me he had gotten her a ring...our lives were so normal then, so peaceful...

We spoke this past Sat. and he wasn't really happy, and he hung up pretty quickly...and I felt like he didn't really want to be talking to me, he just calls, b/c he feels like he must....he cut the call short...and being his mom, was I just simply a vessel to bring him into this world, and that's it?

do you know he blames this on the fact that when this started happening I was upset, going thru a divorce...so, that is his reasoning for this, that I wasn't myself, and his wife did nothing to cause this?????

It's so hard not to covet wanting a family, when all my friends speak of they're son's, DIL's and Grand Children...it's just so darn hard sometimes girls...

Thanks so much for you and this website....sometimes, it's ok...I'm great, and I'm ok with it, and other times, not....

Sorry, guess I just shouldn't think about this so much...I just can't help but think that I was a terrible mom, for my son to have allowed all this to happen?  I mean, if anyone would have tried to hurt my mom, like that, step mom or not, I would have gone to her and told her, "Don't you EVER talk to my mom like that again....EVER....!  But, my son wants a family, and they are his family now...and he does have step brothers and a sister, he's an uncle...I couldn't give him any of that....

He doesn't know what his step mother did when we were going thru that custody battle, he was only 7 years old at the time...he has no idea what his father's attorney called me and said to me when we were both coming out of the bathroom, after the hearing...I couldn't write those words here....it was awful...and I cried and cried for weeks thereafter....he doesn't know that his father refused to give me any kind of decent support....we agreed mutually to 25.00 per week...which was something, I didn't care, I just wanted his father to give something....and he doesn't know that his father refused to help with his braces...and other medical bills...

When I told them I wanted some financial help, his step mother yelled in front of the attorneys, "See, I knew she was going to do that!"  I didn't want money as much as I tried to set something up that his father would help with half the medical bills...but they refused....so, I settled out of court, for $25.00 a week...it wasn't much, but I wanted his father to be responsible for something...and I couldn't mentally go thru another court battle, the custody suit took all I had, both mentally and physically...it was frightening and it went on for 2 years...awful...scary...

I don't even know that he knows that his father sided with his step mom...and even the court appointed psycologist told them both that no child should be talked to like she talked to him, and no child should be hit and slapped across the face...they never admitted to me, that they were both sorry, but at least she talked with my son and told him she was very sorry and she would never do that again, if he came back there to live.  Well, he didn't go for many years...but then his father told him he would buy him a car...and he could have a horse....I couldn't give him those things...and maybe that is why he went back to their town to live with them?  I don't know? 

How much atonement must one endure?  Most of the time, I'm strong, but that dark cloud is always there...always there...

I'm sorry, I don't mean to depress anyone...you guys are all like family and if anyone would understand, I feel like you all would.

Thank you for being here, and for this website...it is a God sent...and I do feel like your all family....thank you

Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 20, 2010, 06:00:06 AM
Dear Creme,
It's not a matter of assigning blame....you're no more to blame than the rest of us.  We did our best and that's all anyone can do.

The thing is...your DIL came into your life and acted like a B****.  You could not go into her life and act like that!  It's a matter of being done wrong and now, in spite of everything we're/you're paying the price of a selfish little brat who has decided to whisper little tid bits into your son's ear about how bad you are.

If anyone can get past that and come out okay, they are stronger than I am.  Please don't tell me that the DILs could not do that, they can and do.  It's WHAT they do....it's like a job to them.

If you get a DIL who is insecure and a brat, you're out.  That's the bottom line.  It's almost like taking a gun and shooting us.  I just wish they had.  It would have been kinder.

According to the hate sites, and yes, I know I should read them, there is virtually nothing we can do that's right....nothing. 
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: cremebrulee on January 20, 2010, 06:14:10 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 20, 2010, 06:00:06 AM
Dear Creme,
It's not a matter of assigning blame....you're no more to blame than the rest of us.  We did our best and that's all anyone can do.

The thing is...your DIL came into your life and acted like a B****.  You could not go into her life and act like that!  It's a matter of being done wrong and now, in spite of everything we're/you're paying the price of a selfish little brat who has decided to whisper little tid bits into your son's ear about how bad you are.

If anyone can get past that and come out okay, they are stronger than I am.  Please don't tell me that the DILs could not do that, they can and do.  It's WHAT they do....it's like a job to them.

If you get a DIL who is insecure and a brat, you're out.  That's the bottom line.  It's almost like taking a gun and shooting us.  I just wish they had.  It would have been kinder.

According to the hate sites, and yes, I know I should read them, there is virtually nothing we can do that's right....nothing.

Thnaks Chickie, for not only reading, but  for replying as well...
I know your right, and it's so easy for me to see the problems of others in a different light...but, it's just so hard sometimes...
so very hard...

again, many many thanks for the comfort of your post...and the support...

Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 20, 2010, 06:18:52 AM
You're welcome, Creme......it's so hard!!!  Mean DILs, whether they work outside the home or not, have a job.  That one is extricating their husband from his Mother.

It's what they do for a living.
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: cremebrulee on January 20, 2010, 06:25:52 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 20, 2010, 06:18:52 AM
You're welcome, Creme......it's so hard!!!  Mean DILs, whether they work outside the home or not, have a job.  That one is extricating their husband from his Mother.

It's what they do for a living.

LOL, yanno, your right....I never thought of it like that...but yeah, you are right....

Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 20, 2010, 06:30:25 AM
I wish Luise would tell us about her DIL...that would help a lot for us to learn.  Luise?
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: cremebrulee on January 20, 2010, 08:41:46 AM
Quote from: Anna on January 20, 2010, 08:38:57 AM
It's so hard when our dils main focus in life is to get rid of sons family.  and really, how can we make sure it doesn't happen?  Creme, going thro divorce, & a two year custody battle, I don't think I could do it . You are a very strong person & I admire that strenght in you !!

Thanks Anna, but I'm not really that strong actually...I put on this facade, acting like a bull...but inside, I could a lot of times, just cry and cry...but I don't...I won't...although, this past Christmas I did, not much...but b/c he's over in Afghanistan, I guess it hit home....

Do you cry much?

Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: luise.volta on January 20, 2010, 08:53:21 AM
Well, what I can tell you is that I'm glad you can come here, Creme, on a day when the monsters come out from under the bed to get you, so we can help you sweep them away into the trash and hopefully, dump them. We all know how dark it gets when they fill the room and shut out the light. To be able to speak of the experience right in the middle of it, and to be heard and comforted, isn't resolution but it can let the light back in. That's what you are constantly doing for others on this site. Aloneness backs off, yet again. And sometimes the past recedes and then the present can contain something more than pain. The pain doesn't stop...but it gets diluted...and we turn toward the Light.

My eldest son is dead. And he was making "duty" calls right up until sleep apnea took him at age 52, ten years ago. He/we didn't even know it was serious, much less deadly. There were duty visits and duty gifts...and I took the crumbs and wondered how something so right, so precious, so solid-appearing for so many years..could turn into something so pitiful and so false. So empty.

My DIL didn't turn my son against me. He did that all by himself, in his teens. Shooting a mother down is like shooting fish in a barrel. There's nothing to it. We're so vulnerable, so trusting and so naive. We think our best can't help but be seen in the right light. We think our love can't help but be seen as pure. We think our mistakes are human and can't help but be forgiven.

Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

My DIL loved every minute of it. She hated her mother and was way into the "Somebody Done Me Wrong Song..." before they were drawn to each other like two magnets. She was heavily into "duty" stuff, too. Insincere smiles, meaningless gestures; back-stabbing that I didn't understand and wasn't capable of returning. And when he died, ONE WEEK after he died, she sent me a hate letter blaming me for even problem he ever had and painting me as the most evil, neglectful, vicious mother on earth.

What I have learned may not be what others need to learn. I have learned that it doesn't do me any good to go back over it...all of it...looking for clues as to why our relationship disintegrated the way it did and ended as it did. I have learned not to play it over and over because it never makes sense and it never comes out any differently. I know I made mistakes due to my youth and my own insecurity all those years ago. Show me the perfect mother. I know that I didn't deserve what I got. I can explain but only to myself. I can justify but it doesn't change a thing. I can see, in retrospect, where I could have done better, but that's who I was then...and that's what I did.

The dad who tortured him, psychologically, turned out to be the good guy. The Holy Father. I did everything I could to protect my son from his contempt and neglect and he ended up the "winner."

What I have learned is that we can't go back. We need to feel it and face it, though. We can't sweep it under the rug. There's no rug big enough. We need to share it and nearly die of it, to let it go. And when we pick it up again...we have to go through letting it go, again. We need others who will listen and care. No one can fix it. We can't fix it. We had hopes and dreams. We fought the good fight and lost and we don't even know how that happened. We're not naive any longer, we're beaten. Why is pain called self-pity? I have learned that it doesn't matter what it's called.

No two stories are the same. How could they be? But it looks to me, at times, like the same solution works for most of us. There is life after parenting...but only if we create it. It may not be grand-parenting. It may not look like we thought it would. It may not even appeal, but we are still alive and well and and "it ain't over, 'til it's over." There is life after documentation that we have been treated unfairly and cruelty. There is life after others get away with committing horrendous wrongs and we get trashed because our best wasn't good enough.

And as long as there is life...there's hope...
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 20, 2010, 09:03:02 AM
Thank you for recounting it, Luise.  Painful as it is/was, it is a lesson for all of us.  Just getting through days is often crippling. 

Shooting a Mother is amazingly easy. 
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: cremebrulee on January 20, 2010, 09:20:57 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on January 20, 2010, 08:53:21 AM
Well, what I can tell you is that I'm glad you can come here, Creme, on a day when the monsters come out from under the bed to get you, so we can help you sweep them away into the trash and hopefully, dump them. We all know how dark it gets when they fill the room and shut out the light. To be able to speak of the experience right in the middle of it, and to be heard and comforted, isn't resolution but it can let the light back in. That's what you are constantly doing for others on this site. Aloneness backs off, yet again. And sometimes the past recedes and then the present can contain something more than pain. The pain doesn't stop...but it gets diluted...and we turn toward the Light.

My eldest son is dead. And he was making "duty" calls right up until sleep apnea took him at age 52, ten years ago. He/we didn't even know it was serious, much less deadly. There were duty visits and duty gifts...and I took the crumbs and wondered how something so right, so precious, so solid-appearing for so many years..could turn into something so pitiful and so false. So empty.

My DIL didn't turn my son against me. He did that all by himself, in his teens. Shooting a mother down is like shooting fish in a barrel. There's nothing to it. We're so vulnerable, so trusting and so naive. We think our best can't help but be seen in the right light. We think our love can't help but be seen as pure. We think our mistakes are human and can't help but be forgiven.

Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

My DIL loved every minute of it. She hated her mother and was way into the "Somebody Done Me Wrong Song..." before they were drawn to each other like two magnets. She was heavily into "duty" stuff, too. Insincere smiles, meaningless gestures; back-stabbing that I didn't understand and wasn't capable of returning. And when he died, ONE WEEK after he died, she sent me a hate letter blaming me for even problem he ever had and painting me as the most evil, neglectful, vicious mother on earth.

What I have learned may not be what others need to learn. I have learned that it doesn't do me any good to go back over it...all of it...looking for clues as to why our relationship disintegrated the way it did and ended as it did. I have learned not to play it over and over because it never makes sense and it never comes out any differently. I know I made mistakes due to my youth and my own insecurity all those years ago. Show me the perfect mother. I know that I didn't deserve what I got. I can explain but only to myself. I can justify but it doesn't change a thing. I can see, in retrospect, where I could have done better, but that's who I was then...and that's what I did.

The dad who tortured him, psychologically, turned out to be the good guy. The Holy Father. I did everything I could to protect my son from his contempt and neglect and he ended up the "winner."

What I have learned is that we can't go back. We need to feel it and face it, though. We can't sweep it under the rug. There's no rug big enough. We need to share it and nearly die of it, to let it go. And when we pick it up again...we have to go through letting it go, again. We need others who will listen and care. No one can fix it. We can't fix it. We had hopes and dreams. We fought the good fight and lost and we don't even know how that happened. We're not naive any longer, we're beaten. Why is pain called self-pity? I have learned that it doesn't matter what it's called.

No two stories are the same. How could they be? But it looks to me, at times, like the same solution works for most of us. There is life after parenting...but only if we create it. It may not be grand-parenting. It may not look like we thought it would. It may not even appeal, but we are still alive and well and and "it ain't over, 'til it's over." There is life after documentation that we have been treated unfairly and cruelty. There is life after others get away with committing horrendous wrongs and we get trashed because our best wasn't good enough.

And as long as there is life...there's hope...

Ohhhh Luise, my eyes are so tear filled....I wish that no one, would know what you have gone thru....and I'm hugging you...not just b/c you have helped me in this post...but b/c of what you've experienced and to know that you know....I've often said, I hate who I've become b/c of this...and you understand...yes, the innocence and belief is gone...never to return...although, maybe in a different way, a stronger way...sometimes I feel it....do you?

I'm so sorry you and yours have had to live this...and I thank you for taking the time to read and post....your words are comforting and caring...

thank you
Creme
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: RedRose on January 20, 2010, 02:41:29 PM
Creme,

Nothing you did caused this to happen...you raised your son the best you
could...with love and support. You are his Mother and nothing his stepmother or your dil can say or do will change that.

The fact your son calls you...shows he still cares. You know that. He will make sure you know your GD.

Even though, I hope they wake up sooner...your dil will one day be a mil and your son a fil...then, they will understand that how they treated you was so wrong...so hurtful.
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: cremebrulee on January 21, 2010, 07:34:06 AM
Quote from: RedRose on January 20, 2010, 02:41:29 PM
Creme,

Nothing you did caused this to happen...you raised your son the best you
could...with love and support. You are his Mother and nothing his stepmother or your dil can say or do will change that.

The fact your son calls you...shows he still cares. You know that. He will make sure you know your GD.

Even though, I hope they wake up sooner...your dil will one day be a mil and your son a fil...then, they will understand that how they treated you was so wrong...so hurtful.

Thank you hun....
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: Sassy on January 21, 2010, 07:55:46 AM
Creme your son does love you.  Your son loves you. 

The relationship he has with his step-mother sounds not unlike the relationship he has with his wife.  With the same inability to acknowledge how their cruelties hurt you.   Especially with his step-mother, it appears to be hard for him to acknowledge how their cruelities have hurt him.

Your son cannot protect you from the women in his life who hurt you.   But yet I know he does not want you to be hurt, by them or anyone!    They hurt him, too, sometimes.    It hurts him too much to acknowledge it, so if he pretends it's not happening, he doesn't have to feel that pain.  For you or for himself.  He has limits, as we all do, and does what he can to make it through.

He loves you, creme.   The calls may feel like duty calls, but he makes them because he wants to.  He needs to feel that connection to you.  It may be awkward.  It may be strained.  It may feel stiff.   But he loves you.  And he feels your love.

For whatever reason, he had to be attracted to his step-mil-like wife in order to create your granddaughter.  There are parts of you in your granddaughter that carry on, carry through.  I'm sorry you don't get to see her!  But you are influencing and a part of that little girl, whether you're there or not.

My maternal grandmother died when my own mother was barely a teenager; obviously, I never met her.  Her sisters (my great aunts) were always taken aback after spending time with me.  How I looked like her, acted like her, moved like her, spoke like her.  One of the great aunts even accidentally called me her nickname sometimes, without thinking.  It felt like a tremendous honor.  Yet it is remarkable how traits can and do carry through generations.

I don't have children, but as I read your words I still know your feelings of second-guessing and what ifs.  Sometimes at work I get so overwhelmed.  I almost always second-guess the work I did.  I wonder what my bosses and superiors think of me, and my work.  I want them to see talent in me.  I want job security in this economy.  And when a project is completed, is precisely when I think of 10 different things I could have done "better."   So after practicing, I have learned to let go and relax.  And accept.  I did what I could do when I did it, it's done, and that's all there is to the story.  There is no "could have done this" because it doesn't exist.  I have to say to myself "You did the best you could do.  You worked overtime, you did the research, you covered the bases, and there was nothing more you knew or had to give at that time." 

You loved your son raising him, and you loved him growing up.  You did your best.  There's no way a woman like you - with your love, your caring, your thought process, your everything - didn't do your best.  You gave 100%.  There is no 101%. You didn't share with the child him how his father and step-mother hurt you, because you are mature and that's the right thing to do.  You may feel like it cost you now, but it may well have cost you more if you had.  You did the best you could with what you had, and that's all anyone can do.  You did it with love.  And you did do a good job, Creme.  I think your son goes to bed at night feeling he's doing what he should be doing.

It may not feel like it.  And your feelings are yours and they are real.  But Creme I promise you, your son loves you.  More than you'll ever know.
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 21, 2010, 08:05:08 AM
Creme, Sassy's words are the sweetest things!!!  Treasure them.. :'(
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: Pen on January 21, 2010, 08:07:48 AM
Thank you, Sassy - I think your post will help many of us.
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: cremebrulee on January 21, 2010, 09:30:19 AM
Quote from: Sassy on January 21, 2010, 07:55:46 AM
Creme your son does love you.  Your son loves you. 

The relationship he has with his step-mother sounds not unlike the relationship he has with his wife.  With the same inability to acknowledge how their cruelties hurt you.   Especially with his step-mother, it appears to be hard for him to acknowledge how their cruelities have hurt him.

Your son cannot protect you from the women in his life who hurt you.   But yet I know he does not want you to be hurt, by them or anyone!    They hurt him, too, sometimes.    It hurts him too much to acknowledge it, so if he pretends it's not happening, he doesn't have to feel that pain.  For you or for himself.  He has limits, as we all do, and does what he can to make it through.

He loves you, creme.   The calls may feel like duty calls, but he makes them because he wants to.  He needs to feel that connection to you.  It may be awkward.  It may be strained.  It may feel stiff.   But he loves you.  And he feels your love.

For whatever reason, he had to be attracted to his step-mil-like wife in order to create your granddaughter.  There are parts of you in your granddaughter that carry on, carry through.  I'm sorry you don't get to see her!  But you are influencing and a part of that little girl, whether you're there or not.

My maternal grandmother died when my own mother was barely a teenager; obviously, I never met her.  Her sisters (my great aunts) were always taken aback after spending time with me.  How I looked like her, acted like her, moved like her, spoke like her.  One of the great aunts even accidentally called me her nickname sometimes, without thinking.  It felt like a tremendous honor.  Yet it is remarkable how traits can and do carry through generations.

I don't have children, but as I read your words I still know your feelings of second-guessing and what ifs.  Sometimes at work I get so overwhelmed.  I almost always second-guess the work I did.  I wonder what my bosses and superiors think of me, and my work.  I want them to see talent in me.  I want job security in this economy.  And when a project is completed, is precisely when I think of 10 different things I could have done "better."   So after practicing, I have learned to let go and relax.  And accept.  I did what I could do when I did it, it's done, and that's all there is to the story.  There is no "could have done this" because it doesn't exist.  I have to say to myself "You did the best you could do.  You worked overtime, you did the research, you covered the bases, and there was nothing more you knew or had to give at that time." 

You loved your son raising him, and you loved him growing up.  You did your best.  There's no way a woman like you - with your love, your caring, your thought process, your everything - didn't do your best.  You gave 100%.  There is no 101%. You didn't share with the child him how his father and step-mother hurt you, because you are mature and that's the right thing to do.  You may feel like it cost you now, but it may well have cost you more if you had.  You did the best you could with what you had, and that's all anyone can do.  You did it with love.  And you did do a good job, Creme.  I think your son goes to bed at night feeling he's doing what he should be doing.

It may not feel like it.  And your feelings are yours and they are real.  But Creme I promise you, your son loves you.  More than you'll ever know.

Hi Sassy
I read this earlier, but had to compose myself, before repsonding...

words cannot express my sincere gratitude for you and all these women here....it's comforting to know, that you and all the ladies here understand and make so much sense....

I know, that since my son married my DIL, well, she makes me fear showing him any attention, even hugging him made me feel uncomfortable....so I can imagine how he feels....he's already said things, which made me feel like he was embarrassed of me...in front of her....I even tried to divert my attention from him to her, whenever I was around them...resulting in the feelings of uneasyness....which is un natural and makes one feel like they're constantly afraid to be themselves....

Thank you Sassy, for your kind words....

Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: cremebrulee on January 21, 2010, 09:31:21 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 21, 2010, 08:05:08 AM
Creme, Sassy's words are the sweetest things!!!  Treasure them.. :'(

I will, thank you...it's such a miracle to have found this website...
and all you wonderful women....
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: cremebrulee on January 21, 2010, 09:32:15 AM
Quote from: penstamen on January 21, 2010, 08:07:48 AM
Thank you, Sassy - I think your post will help many of us.

yes, penstamen, I agree....big hugs to you....

Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: RedRose on January 21, 2010, 09:36:09 AM
Sassy,

OMG...you are so caring, so understanding. Your words went straight to my heart. So overwhelmingly true.

Thank-you so much !
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: Sassy on January 21, 2010, 01:45:05 PM
Thank you for your positive feedback.    I'm glad it is well received because I wrote it not so much to be kind, I sincerely wrote it because it I think it is the honest truth. 


Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: luise.volta on January 21, 2010, 02:40:10 PM
To me, Sassy's response is why MILU is not limited to MILS. We need perspective and multi-generational wisdom. Thank you, Sassy, for being you!
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: cremebrulee on January 21, 2010, 04:13:27 PM
Quote from: Sassy on January 21, 2010, 01:45:05 PM
Thank you for your positive feedback.    I'm glad it is well received because I wrote it not so much to be kind, I sincerely wrote it because it I think it is the honest truth.

And your honesty showed through completely, can't tell you how much I appreciate you...thank you  I don't believe I'll ever forget your words, and much more, remind myself of them when those dark times rear they're ugly heads...
LOL

Hugs
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: cremebrulee on February 04, 2010, 11:58:16 AM
Sassy, you said there are parts of me in my GD...you would not believe how many people at work swear she looks like me...I don't see it and perhaps they are saying that to be nice...however, when I was down there the last time, I was so overjoyed to see her running in the pasture, playing with the goats, pony, etc...and said outloud.."She's a little tomboy"....
OH MY GOD...was that the wrong thing to say...he actually yelled at me and said, I was so afraid you were going to say that, wife does everything she can to make GD a lady...

So, my DIL gets in the back seat with my GD, she wouldn't allow me to sit back there with her...and says over and over again, (and by the way, at this point in time, I wasn't aware that she was upset about me saying TOMBOY...my goodness, some of the most beautiful women in the world are tomboys) so she is sitting back there and says...Oh DD, your so beautiful, you put your make up on just right, the clothes you picked out match so well, your such a girly girl....your so beautiful...I mean I was horrified?

So my son later, says to me, You really hurt my wife, I think you probably want to see some part of you in GD...and that is why you said that???????? God did that hurt?
I mean, they actually took that as if I were trying to undo what she's doing, I had no idea??????  none!  and I would have never said it outloud if I thought that was going to happen, no matter what I say, or do, she takes it wrong...and then, to my son, plays the victim...playacts..but let me tell you, she's a spitfire and can take care of herself....

He is always defending her off the wall actions....as normal...I don't get it?  I just don't get it?

Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: Marilyn on February 04, 2010, 04:00:05 PM
Creme,I don't see why that would offend her.I think a lot of little girls are tom boys.And whats wrong with that!!!.....sounds like nothing you do or say is ever right.I know when my DIL's in one of her moods,she gets like that.Is your DIL real moody?
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: cocobars on February 04, 2010, 04:05:49 PM
Thanks Mominwaiting!  I was a tomboy growing up too.  My sister was 10 year older than I and I hung out with my brothers.  Talk about climbing trees!!!  I was in gymnastics in high school!  Katy Curic - she was in my school and was in gymnastics too.  Back then it was unheard of for someone to have a personal trainer.  She did.  We all thought she was going on to win some gold medals.  Never thought she might go into "news."  HA!

Tomboys.  What's wrong with that?
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: cremebrulee on February 05, 2010, 04:52:08 AM
Quote from: Anna on February 04, 2010, 02:11:45 PM
Creme, my son does the same thing.  Always defending dils off the wall behavior.  I don't get it either???  Does he not see how off the wall she is?  Almost everyday she says or does something we just don't get.  I would think, that saying she is a tomboy, was a compliment, meaning strong, athletic type.  Sheeeeesh !!

my GD has tomboy in her...she loves the outdoors, horses, all animals and enjoys being with them, she loves to be outside running around....my son actually scolded me for saying that...it's like?????  He said, "you said that once before, and I was afraid you were going to say that in front of DIL?"  sometimes I think he is just as sick as her, living with her all these years...I mean, to actually dictate to someone what they are allowed to say and not say?  To heck with understanding, we all think differently about things...and talk about walking on egg shells, I say very little when I was around them...thank God I'm not around her anymore, b/c I wouldn't take it anymore, and surely tell her off....

Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: cremebrulee on February 05, 2010, 04:59:32 AM
Quote from: cocobars on February 04, 2010, 04:05:49 PM
Thanks Mominwaiting!  I was a tomboy growing up too.  My sister was 10 year older than I and I hung out with my brothers.  Talk about climbing trees!!!  I was in gymnastics in high school!  Katy Curic - she was in my school and was in gymnastics too.  Back then it was unheard of for someone to have a personal trainer.  She did.  We all thought she was going on to win some gold medals.  Never thought she might go into "news."  HA!

Tomboys.  What's wrong with that?

Nothing, but my DIL is trying so hard to shape my GD into the person she wants her to be, that if you say anything like that, I be4lieve she takes it as an insult against her parenting skills. 

Get this....we're standing out in the pasture, watching my son ride her horse...she is standing beside me...ok, so I haven't seen son on a horse for years and years, and it gave my heart joy to see him ride...and I made the mistake of speaking out loud saying..."Ohhh My he still rides so well and handles the horse beautifully!"  I wasn't really talking to her, I was taking pride in him and thinking out loud so to speak, and all of a sudden she starts yelling..."Wull, usually he can't ride the horse, so I have to get on him and calm him down"...and I just stood there, shocked, thinking to myself and wanting to turn away...."ohhhhh K" while rolling my eyes...she's a feakin nut case....sorry, but I get really angry...that is when I should have turned to her and said, "DIL...your a mother, can't you understand, a mother taking pride in her son"....but she blindsides me, shocks me with her snappy mouth....no one has ever talked to me like she does, they wouldn't get away with it, and yanno what, she won't ever do it again, without a verbal backlash....
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 11, 2010, 06:48:01 AM
Anna,
Your DIL has no heart, that's why she doesn't cry.  She is viewing you as weak.  I know this will be hard, the hardest thing you will ever do but try not to allow yourself to be seen as weak around her.

This only fuels her fire and she'll do more and get away with doing more till she rules all of you.  For everyone to sit there and allow this bully to do you this way, is disgusting. 

You take the reigns and act strong around her if it literally makes you drop over dead. Take the power away from her.  Stop engaging her.....put on a strong face when around her and look at her with a "drop dead" look. 

(I know you can't do that but just try it in your head)
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: Marilyn on February 11, 2010, 07:58:27 AM
Creme,what your DIL said about your son"Wull,usually he cant ride the horse,so i have to get on him to calm him down".I think....it's her wanting to feel superior,over him.Our DIL'S need to feel like they are better than ANY one.I don't think it was a jab at you,feeling proud of him.

And isn't it hard to give genuine compliments to people that think they are superior?It's like you dont want thier heads to swell even more.But maybe it's what they really need if they are so insecure.
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: Pen on February 11, 2010, 08:22:40 AM
How do we keep from 'slapping them upside the head?' It hurts me, too, when DIL puts down DS. He looks crushed and shamed, two emotions I hate to see on any young man's face let alone my DS. She needs to be the best, the most, the center of attention, the smartest and most gorgeous. She puts us down for not being those things, but I think if suddenly we were smart, gorgeous and self-centered she'd flip out. In all fairness, she does seem to be trying to be nicer to us. DS may have said something.

I compliment the you-know-what out of this gal! I'm not sure if it's effective since a compliment from someone she doesn't respect could be seen as an insult. Who knew this would be so tricky? Or hurtful?
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: Marilyn on February 11, 2010, 08:41:06 AM
Anna,i cry very easy too.And Chickie is right she sees you as weak.It's soooooooo hard,but I'm at the place,where i really,i mean this!!!don't think my DIL could say or do any thing to make me cry!!!I can cry so easy,for other people,little things i see on TV,reading sad things,hearing sad things.......but not any thing!!! my DIL can do or say.I have totally detached from her.I do not try to engage much with her,and if i do it's very superficial,nothing on a deeper meaningful level.

In my opinion,controlling people,have emotions also,but don't know how to express them in a healthy way,and they act out in inappropriate behaviour.

They want our sons to see us as weak,because thats negative.If they saw us as being just human,loving,caring Mothers,our sons would show us compassion,and that takes attention away from DIL.

When you share your feelings,you make your self vulnerable.
The less you share about your feelings,the less ammo she has to hurt you.
I never even share with my son any more,because he will tell her.
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: Marilyn on February 11, 2010, 09:16:25 AM
Anna,you don't have to change your self.Just how you react to her.

Maybe try doing some web searches on how to detach,or find some books on that, if you like to read.I did learn a lot thru reading.

But this site,has helped tremendously!!!!!

Ask,ask,ask,learn as much as you can...........knowledge is power!!!

Thats why i say not to let DIL and son know how you feel,SHE will use that knowledge for power...........to benefit her.


When you get stronger,you might feel safer sharing feelings again.
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: RedRose on February 11, 2010, 10:59:40 AM
I am also a person that crys very easily. My mother was, My sister is the same and my brothers also. We are emotional that way...and we have accepted the fact we will always be this way.
I cry when I'm sad, happy, see a sad movie, hear a sad story...see someone crying ( I don't even have to know that person)
Nothing I have read on the internet or anywhere can help me to stop. There is nothing..it's in my genes. I accept it is the way I am. My whole family accepts this is the way we are.

Some people Do see this as a sign of weakness. If they want to hurt you ...they know they can make you cry easily. This is one reason I don't like confrontation...it makes me cry. If I argue I cry...so I walk away. My way of dealing with it. They don't see the tears then.

Here's something I framed...it sits on my dresser...this is me:

                               
                                   Tears

People cry because the emotions that the human body
experiences can sometimes become so overwhelming
that the body actually weeps.

Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: cremebrulee on February 12, 2010, 05:41:22 AM
Quote from: Mominwaitingquote]link=topic=337.msg7209#msg7209 date=1265903907]
Creme,what your DIL said about your son"Wull,usually he cant ride the horse,so i have to get on him to calm him down".I think....it's her wanting to feel superior,over him.Our DIL'S need to feel like they are better than ANY one.I don't think it was a jab at you,feeling proud of him.

I think your right....and no, I didn't take it personal...but I'm always shocked by her behavior...or at the moment, I can't understand what makes her go off like that...I mean, your standing there, admiring your grand daughter or son, and you by mistake, speak out loud...and she jumps down your throat for saying something loving? 

QuoteAnd isn't it hard to give genuine compliments to people that think they are superior?It's like you dont want thier heads to swell even more.But maybe it's what they really need if they are so insecure.

I know that my DIL is very insecure....however, I also believe there is an extreme territorial animal instinct about her....I have tried many times to feed her ego so to speak, asking her for recipes, which she never complied....she used to always tell me in front of my son, that she was going to send me perfume, never did....I'd tell her how pretty she was, and how I'm so glad my son had her, b/c she always used to support his decissions....or ask her fashion questions....etc....in front of my son, she is always so nice to me, however, she talks very little, and when he is not within ear shot, wow, what a snippidy creature she is....very controlling...very unaware of the feelings of others....nor, does she care....it's all about when she wants, when she wants and how she wants....if your listening to something on TV, she will sit down and turn it...or the radio....she has never been taught manners or how you treat quests....

I know she doesn't know any better, however, there is also a part of me, that knows she is doing these things deliberately....to let me know, I'm so not welcome.  And, to be honest, this is what she had been pushing for since this all started...I do know that now...she wanted to get so ticked off at me, to push me, so I'd act out....so she could say, "That's it, she is out of my life"....

Yanno, you are a family member, you walk into someone's home, your son's and DIL's and there are no pictures of you anywhere, that is a huge sign, especially if they have pictures of everyone else all over the house....

She lied to my son about events that happened between us when he wasn't around...

She is as strong as an ox...yet plays the victim very well to get my son to feel sorry for her...and he knows this, believe me, he does....

On the positive side, I've seen a side of her that is enjoyable to be around...not very often, as she makes certain, I know, I'm not welcome...she is difficult to talk to, your afraid...

I was afraid to love my son, to show him attention, to call him honey in front of her....to just be myself....I always fear saying something that is going to set her off....or displaying affection to my son...I found myself drawing back....

And I'll never forget, this caused so much damage, between my son and myself, that when he greeted me in the Airport, one time, God, I was so hurt, I could cry now...but he didn't hug me....he was like a stranger....and I was so glad to see him...but, what I think happened was, they were probably fighting b/c I was coming down and he felt so uneasy about my visit.

I get it now, but didn't get it then...and wish I had for his sake and peace of mind...I kept thinking she would see, that I loved her...and everytime I went down, if she couldn't find something negative about me, she'd make it up....

When I cut them off and out of my life for two years, I didn't just do that for me, but for my son as well...I felt as if his life would be easier if she thought I was out of it.  I wouldn't suggest anyone do it, unless you are very very strong, as it was the most difficult and despairing thing I've ever done, besides allowing him to go live with his father when he was older...Shhhesh, it is so hard to do...so hard...

But, regardless, I want to go to my grave, knowing I tried my best and did what is best for all of us, and not just me....

and I have, there is nothing more I can do or want to do....

Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: cocobars on February 12, 2010, 05:56:19 AM
Creme, your post was too long to quote, but is heartbreaking.  There is no doubt in my mind you cry over the situation, but I just believe some day your son is going to see and understand the hurt you feel (maybe even your DIL), and will come back to talk to you about it.  I see you as waiting out a very hard place in your life, but you will still see light somewhere at the end of this tunnel someday. 

I cry alot too, but I've learned over the years to hold it back until I'm alone.  The only problem with that is when you do hold back like that, then when the tears turn on they don't stop and there seems to be no way of making them.  I've had to make excuses (like we need milk, etc.) and left quickly to "go get whatever that is," only to come back much later with red- golf ball eyes.  It's hard to do.

You hang in there Creme!  We seem to all be criers here...
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: cremebrulee on February 12, 2010, 06:11:36 AM
Quote from: cocobars on February 12, 2010, 05:56:19 AM
Creme, your post was too long to quote, but is heartbreaking.  There is no doubt in my mind you cry over the situation, but I just believe some day your son is going to see and understand the hurt you feel (maybe even your DIL), and will come back to talk to you about it.  I see you as waiting out a very hard place in your life, but you will still see light somewhere at the end of this tunnel someday. 

I cry alot too, but I've learned over the years to hold it back until I'm alone.  The only problem with that is when you do hold back like that, then when the tears turn on they don't stop and there seems to be no way of making them.  I've had to make excuses (like we need milk, etc.) and left quickly to "go get whatever that is," only to come back much later with red- golf ball eyes.  It's hard to do.

You hang in there Creme!  We seem to all be criers here...

Thanks coco....I don't mean to depress anyone, just writing my feelings...I'm not a crier...although you are right, I have cried...but tend to not be able to cry b/c of my past....oh, tears fall easily, but to have a good hard cry is hard....I'm embarrassed, the one time I talked to her on the phone when my son was on the other end, I cried...can you believe that...I cried....and was so embarrassed...and once while talking to my son, I had to hang up, as I was so upset....

He is constantly excusing her behavior...bringing up two or three things that I did wrong, constantly to almost convince himself that I am to blame, or that I am at fault for this to...and it makes me so angry, that he has compromised who he is, what his beliefs were, to have peace...
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: cocobars on February 12, 2010, 06:24:39 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on February 12, 2010, 06:11:36 AM

Thanks coco....I don't mean to depress anyone, just writing my feelings...I'm not a crier...although you are right, I have cried...but tend to not be able to cry b/c of my past....oh, tears fall easily, but to have a good hard cry is hard....I'm embarrassed, the one time I talked to her on the phone when my son was on the other end, I cried...can you believe that...I cried....and was so embarrassed...and once while talking to my son, I had to hang up, as I was so upset....

He is constantly excusing her behavior...bringing up two or three things that I did wrong, constantly to almost convince himself that I am to blame, or that I am at fault for this to...and it makes me so angry, that he has compromised who he is, what his beliefs were, to have peace...

I didn't see anything in your post that was depressing.  I believe you are following what's in your heart and trying to do what is in the best interests of everyone in your situation.  I can't say your DIL is doing that and if she does somday, I think you will both be in for a nice surprise!  From what you've stated, she's very insecure and in time I'm hoping that will desolve.  It's my hope that she will see that you are not a threat to her happiness.

Just a hope I have for you.  You deserve hope...
Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: cremebrulee on February 12, 2010, 07:19:32 AM
Quote from: cocobars on February 12, 2010, 06:24:39 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on February 12, 2010, 06:11:36 AM

Thanks coco....I don't mean to depress anyone, just writing my feelings...I'm not a crier...although you are right, I have cried...but tend to not be able to cry b/c of my past....oh, tears fall easily, but to have a good hard cry is hard....I'm embarrassed, the one time I talked to her on the phone when my son was on the other end, I cried...can you believe that...I cried....and was so embarrassed...and once while talking to my son, I had to hang up, as I was so upset....

He is constantly excusing her behavior...bringing up two or three things that I did wrong, constantly to almost convince himself that I am to blame, or that I am at fault for this to...and it makes me so angry, that he has compromised who he is, what his beliefs were, to have peace...

I didn't see anything in your post that was depressing.  I believe you are following what's in your heart and trying to do what is in the best interests of everyone in your situation.  I can't say your DIL is doing that and if she does somday, I think you will both be in for a nice surprise!  From what you've stated, she's very insecure and in time I'm hoping that will desolve.  It's my hope that she will see that you are not a threat to her happiness.

Just a hope I have for you.  You deserve hope...

thanks coco, and hugs
but she will never change....

my son told me once, "if your waiting for  her to apologize, don't hold your breath"....and it actually wouldn't take an apology from her, just proof that she stop this foolishness of being jealous and hurting me on purpose....like sending back the birthday card and money....it would make our son's so happy if we could all just get along....

this is abusive....yanno?

It's also so very confusing to me, I don't get what these DIL's get out of hurting us, rejecting us....don't they realize, how much this hurts they're husbands?

Once I asked her that, that time we spoke on the phone, and said to her, "Don't you realize, how much this is hurting DS?" and she yelled, it's not about him, it's about you and me??????  God, I don't get how she thinks....how she perceives things....she is so totally out of my league...I just don't get it?  What is there to gain from being cruel, hateful and jealous?  Nothing?  Nothing....

Title: Re: Wondering how you gals feel
Post by: cocobars on February 12, 2010, 09:51:06 AM
I understand your son making that comment.  It shows though, that he is aware of her flaws - even if he is "presently" making excuses for them.  However, I agree with you!  She doesn't really have to apologise.  Some people have a huge problem doing that, because I think they believe it's a sign of weakness, and maybe from her background, she actually believes if she shows those weaknesses, someone will use them (like she does with you).  I can only hope (and I'm sure you have already spent so much time doing just that), that she gets to that place where she can see "all sides," and not just to the end of her nose.  Maybe your son is hoping that too, but isn't saying anything (fear of her wrath!).

You are an "extremely" intelligent and compassionate woman.  Don't discount the fact that somewhere inside of his memory banks, he doesn't remember that about you and will someday want that relationship back.  DIL sounds very young and selfish.  Only time will break her of that.

I hope I'm right!  I know you do too!

Take care of you!