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haha Pooh, I think we might be the same person.

Look at it this way, you hoped for the best and planned for the worst. At least you were prepared.
Plus, spring break is a ways off. Just don't let down your guard.

Cuz when you least expect it , she'll start again. Pound...pound...pound...

Hi Pooh,

Your SD is giving you and your DH what I like to call the Pound Job. This is a term I coined after the granite smashing trucks that install artesian wells in New Hampshire. Because that's what it feels like when they just...won't...stop...pounding...   

Knowing what words to say to this girl is impossible, because I don't know her and also don't know your style. However, if you make it clear that "we believe this is best decision we can make for you as parents" it leaves no doubt that you and DH are presenting a united front.

If she starts up with her mouth about her "stupid" father, I would say, "Tread lightly, that's my husband you're bashing. I'm done with this discussion." And then I would go do laundry and have a cigarette, although I don't smoke.

That's me though. I hope you find the strength to withstand the pounding. And I hope things don't get out of hand. Be strong.

You must have done something right if you have a child who can suck up his pride and actually apologize. 

I am so pleased for you!

Could you please find out the address of this apartment? I'll rent it. I kind of want to get out of here anyway and that sounds like a steal!

wow Pooh, good thing it wasn't me on that deck. Restraint isn't my forte. LOOKOUT BELOW!!!!

You are right about them figuring things out eventually. My husband's daughter didn't speak to him at all for 3 whole years after he split up with his wife. She finally saw the light about her mother. My husband, although he suffered 3 years of silence, never had to say one negative word about his x to his 3 children. DD figured it out all by her lonesome.

Here's to hoping our DS's wise up someday too. I've seen stranger things happen.

You all have helped so much to lift my spirits, thanks.

keys girl,

I can't explain it but reading what you just posted makes me want to do a cartwheel!

We really do have the power to be happy. Just not when we put that power in our children's hands. Think about it. They can't even keep track of their car keys. And we're going to trust our hearts to them?

Thank you for your kind replies, everyone. And for reading that tome. It's remarkable how healing it is to speak and be heard and validated. For the first time since receiving my son's poison pen letter, I didn't wake up thinking about him and hurting. 

Muffin, I am lucky in so many other ways, you are right. My 5 adult kids just got a surprise party together for my 50th, with 2 flying from AZ to NH to attend. I have 3 sweet GC. I have a husband who is the love of my life, and I must say a pretty brave man, marrying someone with 6 kids and no money. I have amazing friends, and one who purchased one of my daughter's flight home for the party because she couldn't have come otherwise. I still have my own sweet mother, and since coming here I appreciate her more than ever.

I almost feel guilty for coming here and complaining about my one dumb kid when I have so much joy in every other area of my life. I guess it would be a slap in my family's face to be depressed about one mixed up angry teenager when I have all of them. I know many others here have much more difficult situations than this.

I will go to his concert and to his graduation. (In my worst nightmares he will flip me off from stage and announce to the world how much he hates me and what a rotten mother I am.)  I am not planning to approach him, but I have the right to go see him play one last time and graduate. Don't I? Even if he would rather I not go? And who knows how he truly feels? Maybe by this time he regrets that letter?

And here I go again. Somebody slap me.

Jane, may I ask how it went when you spoke with your son after all this time?

And yes I'm sure my ex at least started out loving this.  I honestly believe that this was all a strategy to get his support reduced but because he didn't completely get his way in court,(he no longer has to pay support, since DS lives with him full time, but he is still on the hook for arrears) he decided to punish me. He is never even home with him because he has to work sooooooooo hard, so our son is home alone doing what he does with no supervision. Now I suspect he sees that having DS around all the time isn't a walk in the park. In order for him to keep the status quo, he  has to allow DS to call the shots, meaning using, having no rules, being a slob, not contributing, etc. If he tries to lay down the law he knows DS would do to him what he did to me. I think you're right, that they deserve each other right now.

Ok, I'm almost ready to hide my son's news feed. Really. Thanks ladies

I'm glad to hear other mothers admitting they don't miss the relationship with their young adult drugging scary angry sons. I posted my story tonight, and I think it did me some good. Sometimes I miss my son and then I remember what it was really like to have him here, playing his games, holed up in his sty of a room, smoking god knows what, swearing at cyber gamers, coming out only to inhale dinner and return to his cave.

Then I don't miss him and I'm grateful that he's staying with his dad. This is punishing me how? I read his news feed on FB, and that's enough for now. I honestly dread the possibility of him wanting to return here, because I won't be able to trust him for quite a long time. I like the peace, quite frankly.

I would be happy to receive a respectful email, though. My husband has guaranteed that when my DS does contact me, it will be because he needs something from me, and it ain't my love. He's probably right, but of course I hope he's wrong. Ha ha I'm hopeless.

I hope you can hold your ground. You sound very strong.

 I found you all here when I typed My Son Hates Me into the Google search bar. I have been lurking here for a while, reading all your stories of heartache. I have one too.

A little background. In 1998, I discovered from a midnight phone call that my then husband had been having an affair for the past 10 years. We had 6 kids from age 3 to age 15, at least 4 of which were conceived during this period. Needless to say, I was shocked and devastated. I never had a clue. Fourteen years of marriage ended in that moment, my husband leaving the house with two Hefty bags and one black eye.

From that moment, as I struggled to work and support my children, my bitter XH has done everything imaginable to alienate my children from me and to evade his financial responsibilities for his children. At times he succeeded. Today, as things stand, my five older children and I are all on good terms, although that was not always the case. The latter parts of their teen years were tough, and most of them seemed to need some sort of major blowup in order to separate from me. Now that they have separated and become adults, they have come back to warm relations with me and my new husband. My oldest son recently said, "I was such a jerk then that if I were standing next to myself when I was 16 I would slap myself."

I am writing today because of my youngest son. He is now 17. About a year ago, he decided to go live with his father when my husband and I objected to him smoking in his bedroom. (I don't mean cigarettes either) He was mad at me and refused to speak to me for a few weeks after moving a mile down the street to his father's, but eventually got over it, although he didn't come back to live here. I suspect he gets away with more at dad's.

We recently had another falling out. Or rather, he sent a letter to my facebook mailbox that was beyond nasty, swearing, calling me names, enumerating my faults, laziness and greed. What precipitated it was a court hearing for a modification of child support my XH requested after being threatened by Child Support Services with revocation of license for being sixteen thousand dollars in arrears. At the hearing my XH asked that child support be waived retroactive to the date my son had gone to live with him 8 months prior.  Mind you, there was absolutely nothing preventing him from requesting this hearing the minute he let our son move in, but he decided to procrastinate in typical fashion while child support payments accumulated....The judge said that by law she could not order that unless I agreed to it. I said no. 

I personally I feel that this man will never even scratch the surface of being able to repay me for what he did to my life. Neither financially nor emotionally. If I think about all the things I might have chosen had I not been in that marriage having all those babies with him, I want to scream. If I went into all the things he has done over the past 14 years to try to destroy my spirit I would never stop typing. He hasn't succeeded, but he still tries. Saying no in court that day was my way of saying no to what he did to my life.

My X apparently went home and told his sob story to our son, complete with exaggerations, embellishments and outright falsehoods. My DS in his smoky distorted haze, decided to become his poor father's avenger. Hence, the letter.  His father is the hero, the victim, the taken advantage of, the overworked and downtrodden and I am now officially the gold digging whore and spawn of Satan. I was stunned by his letter, but I know that my DS is just regurgitating what he has been fed. I am not surprised at my XH's tactics.

I never responded to his venomous letter, although at times (like today) I am sorely tempted to. There has been no contact between us at all now in over a month. I see his news feed on FB, primarily using angry foul language and promoting the legalization of marijuana, that's about it. I have mixed feelings about even doing that but I can't bring myself to hide him completely. This way at least I get some news and hold onto the fact that he didn't unfriend me....I'm that pathetic.

Since our estrangement in December, his grandfather died, his grandmother turned 80, I turned 50, his siblings have visited from Arizona, his sister experienced a miscarriage, we had a family Christmas Variety Show and other family gatherings and because of his arrogance and stupidity (and I suspect his other hobby), he has missed out on all these family experiences, the happy and the sad. This year is his senior year in high school and I'm already thinking about his final Band Concert, his Graduation, (if he manages to take care of all his incompletes.....) his brother's upcoming wedding...and all that he will miss, and all that I will miss, and my heart aches. People ask me what he's doing after graduation and rather than say I don't know because he hates me, I say I don't think he's really made up his mind yet. I'm hoping that's true in more than one way.

I guess I'm not looking for answers, although if you have any I'll listen. I kind of know there's nothing I can do to reason with someone looking at the world through a distorted lens, and a teenager at that. I have seen that kids do come around eventually. My other kids all say not to worry, that he's just being stupid. I know they're right. I've been here before. Still, it smarts and there's no preparing for it. No armor, no crash helmet, no vaccination, no painkiller, no anesthesia. Hurts first time, every time. And no guarantee he'll ever reconsider. He seems to hate me with a vengeance.

Because I love him, I guess I'll go and watch his final concert, and his graduation, slipping in the back door and slipping back out like a guilty thief in the night. Then I'll wait. Maybe someday I will be able to say, you didn't see me, but I was there, you know....

If you are still reading, thank you. I know it was long. I just needed someplace to say it. I hope this is the right place for it. Reading your stories has helped me feel less like a freak and more able to keep my head up.