WiseWomenUnite.com

Quote from: BlueLotus on July 08, 2015, 11:38:12 AM
   I feel as though she only wants a relationship with her ds only.  She wants me around so he's around. I'd be okay with that if she wasn't bad-mouthing me to other family members. An example- I cook and clean, but sometimes dfh likes to bbq. That translates to him having to do all the cooking in her mind. She has told other family members things like this,  and it is awkward having to explain myself to them. When I mention anything to my dfh, he says she doesn't mean any harm.

Guess I'm not really clear on what sort of advise you are looking for.     Sometimes there is no solution and two people don't mix.    My DIL and I have not seen one another for 5 years.   My son comes to see us regularly and brings the kids.  We see them for Thanksgiving while she goes to her FOO... and they are by us Christmas Eve and by her FOO Christmas Day..   It's a solution that works in our case... it makes both of us happy..  It makes my son happy too as he no longer feels he is in the middle.  We are all relaxed when we are together and no one feels they have to watch every word or monitor for insults or innuendos, and can enjoy the visit.   It may not be the solution for everyone, but in our case, after many years of discomfort.. it works just fine.   

Quoteshe puts up roadblocks on most visits and contacts.  at this point, when we do get to visit or talk, i just act the best i can, never make negative comments or ask for more contact.  can't say i miss you - it's been so long - nothing.  anything sets her and my ds off.
just happy, happy mom and enjoy what i get and move along.  trying not to think of how long until we see them again.

So is this fun?  Are you enjoying it?..   I think we have to come to a point that the hurt and the stress of walking on eggshells far outweighs any benefits we are getting.   There comes a time when we need to think of ourselves.  No matter how much we wish things were different, we have no control over that.   Getting to the point of bowing out and worrying about our own lives is difficult.. but it can be done. 

I agree... and 10 years is a long time to be playing a game that the other person has no idea they are in that game... that is until they lose..

I tend to stay out of threads written by DILs complaining about MILs...  But I have to say this..   My DIL decided that I was the MIL from hell..   However.. I have to say that I didn't realize anything was wrong until about 10 years into the situation.  Silly me... I thought everything was fine and that we actually had a good relationship...  That is until I realized that everything I had done and said for 10 years was wrong.. and critiqued by DIL and her family and assigned the most malicious of motives.  Motives that I certainly didn't have..   SO  Louise is right.. when we try to get into someone's head and figure out their thoughts and feelings... most times we are wrong.   I think many times it is projection.  We do tend to look at our own feelings and project them onto another person.     

I freely admit that I put less credence on the advise of someone not having walked in my shoes, or experienced what I have.   It's not that I dismiss it completely.  It has value in illustrating a different mindset and clarifying the differences.. but does not soothe... does not comfort.. and  will do little to solve the situation.  It will only highlight the problem.   Women who come here already know the problem, and they are in pain because of it.  I believe they come here to find people with the same experiences and are looking to know that there is a way out of the pain.  They want to talk to women who have overcome the situation and have gone on to find peace and happiness in spite of it.   

I think we paternal GMs need to come to grips with this reality.  However, once we do, we are often accused of being distant, uncaring and unloving.  It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.  Want to be involved and accepted we are considered intrusive and interfering... Once we STOP wanting to, we are cold and self-centered as I am now accused of.   It comes down to doing what causes us the most pain and makes us the happiest.   I know I am happier now that  I have distanced myself from that emotional roller coaster.  So it's not important to me any longer what my DIL thinks or says.   

I was very close to my Grandmother... BUT she was my mother's mother.. I really only saw my father's mother a few times a year.   My maternal grandmother didn't like my paternal grandmother.  Sadly, I didn't put two and two together, or think it was such a universal problem for paternal grandparents, that I had big expectations when my son and DIL has children.   I was SOOOOO going to have the same wonderful relationship with my grandchildren as I did with my grandmother.

Of course that was not to be.   The fact remains  (I realize this is generalizing, but it seems to be true more than not) that when your daughter has children, they are like YOUR children.  Your daughter will trust you more, and pay more attention to your opinions.   When your SON has children... we must keep in mind that these kids belong to another woman.  Period.   They are another woman's kids and even though we claim the same genetic link to them, we are not afforded the same importance as the maternal GM.    It's only OUR expectation and our DILs are under no obligation to meet them..   I know this is a bitter pill for many who come here... however, it must be accepted and accepted gracefully.   

Not yet...  at least that I know of..   

QuoteOf course your husband is right about the baby having been teething.  He may have just been making conversation, but most of us MILs here have learned to not make any suggestions whatsoever.   I am just glad it was your DH making the teething comment, not you, because if a MIL makes such a comment, many DILs are greatly offended and take it as an insult that the MIL thinks the DIL isn't a good mother, etc. etc.  So most of us don't go there - and would not even suggest a raincoat if it was raining cats and dogs.

Just a funny story.. and it underlines how TRUE your statement is.  Right before my final break with DIL, when the youngest grandson was a newborn, I made the horrific mistake to commenting that I was pretty sure his eyes were going to be brown.. not blue like the other kids'...  Holy Moly...  you would have thought I was predicting he was going to grow up to be an ax murderer.  She told me that there wasn't any way I could see that and the look on her face and tone of her voice were pretty scary.    HAHAHAHA... guess what.. He's 5 years old.. and has the prettiest BROWN eyes you have ever seen!

This just shows you how true Monroe's statement is..   Some of us cannot even open our mouths or give an opinion.  Who wants to be around people like that anyway? 

Welcome... and know that you certainly are not alone.  Most of us in someway or another have had our expectations dashed when it comes to our involvement in our sons' lives.   It is not anything you did..  it is not anything you can fix... but it is something you can accept.   I know that sounds defeatist, but acceptance of the situation is part of healing from it.   It is difficult, but eventually we all come to the realization that our expectations are just that... OURS... and our sons and DILs have no obligation to meet them.  Forcing the issue is not going to help and will make things much worse.

It would be wonderful to be included and to feel wanted, but for many of us, that's just not the cards we were dealt.  Moving on and building happy lives for ourselves is what we must concentrate on.  We cannot and should not rely on them to make and keep us happy.    It's getting to that point that is the hardest, and it's usually two steps forward and one step back.. but it's a journey worth making..  Feel free to vent here anytime..  There are lots of listening ears.

Quote from: gettingoldandcranky on June 08, 2015, 07:01:30 AM
lilly - r u not invited or are u choosing not to go?   i know how hard it is to attend a group get together and most of the group ignores you, gives you eye rolls, or just baits you with loaded conversation.  sorry you are going through this and if it wasn't so important it wouldn't continue to hurt

No.. I have not been invited to anything for over 5 years..  and no, at this point I would not go even if I were.  So both I guess.

No matter how much time passes.. and no matter how much we accept the situation, the unfairness of it sometimes jumps up to bite you..   My son came over today with the grandkids.   The little one will be 5 next week.  He is counting how many "get ups" he has left until his birthday party.   I had a cake for him today.. and I gave him a present.. but he asked me if I was coming to his REAL party... next week.   What answer can you give a 5 year old.   Of course he is having a party with my DILs FOO...  Of course I am not going, and it's really better that way... and I would not want to go either.. but the unfairness of what has lead up to this hurts sometimes..... even after all this time. 

Sad indeed..   And this seems to be a "women thing"..    There are absolutely no websites completely devoted to the hatred of FILs..   Nor are there any sites where sad confused FILs come to seek support.   Right?   

In my case, it was different in the beginning.  Before my son and DIL were married, she did reach out to me to have a relationship.  We had lunch once... we went shopping once.. and I thought we had a great time.. I know I did.. so I really believed everything was roses and unicorns.. and I was so happy to have her for a DIL..   Apparently I failed the initial interview.. I don't know why or how... but I guess I was reprehensible in some way, as all that stopped and the hatred began.  What was the grievous sin I had committed....  I really still don't know.   She told me that I should know.. and believe me, I racked my brain trying to remember anything that may have happened, or could have been misconstrued.. but to no avail..  So.. I just gave up..  and NOW I certainly don't care.   I don't have time of the energy for those senseless mind games.   And that's all that they were.. and very cruel at that.   My stance now is that if I did something I certainly hope it was really horrible..   lol!!

Quote from: Green Thumb on May 28, 2015, 06:54:38 AM
New, your MIL does this to control everyone. It is not about you or your kids. Her words are about herself and what is broken inside her. She manipulates and controls. When you get angry at her, she controls you. She sounds like a royal pain and terrible to be around. But don't take it personally, she'd say the same to me!! Sometimes I tell people thank you for telling me, said with a smile. Often shuts them up cause they want you to get mad. The other thing is to meekly answer "oh, this is how hubby wants it" no matter what. When she says son was perfect and your kids are terrible, you could respond "thank you, this is how son wants it" and don't get mad. You can say the same phrase over and over, always with a smile. It won't change her, you don't have the power, but you can change your attitude. She isn't attacking you as you, she manipulates and controls cause she is messed up. When you stop taking it personally, you take back your power and you win. It's hard, my boss is like your MIL and she is a pain!

WOW  GT...   You sound like you know New's MIL personally..