I think the best thing about this place is realizing for the first time I am absolutely not alone in this. That there are many of us out there whose hearts break constantly because of an adult daughter who treat us horrible and for no reason that we can identify. I have also learned that we do not deserve to be treated any way except with respect. If they can not, then the relationship needs to be severed for the time being.....Even though it is the most painful experience ever. But walking on eggshells, and crying after each cruel phone call is also painful.....at least this way there are no expectations...........It does feel better than the other........... Thank you
We're definitely not alone! Isn't it comforting?
Adult "children" can be an enigma. DSs and DDs can and do make choices and take paths in life that we know are going to hurt them (and others.) Standing by while they go through it is something none of us should have to face alone. What works for one of us doesn't necessarily work for another but we have created mutual strength and endurance through understanding and support.
Well put, Luise! Throughout our children's lives I would say my favorite age was whatever age they happened to be at the time. Now that I have adult children, I can honestly say the hardest stage is when your children are adults b/c you have to idly stand by as you see them sometimes make life altering choices that you know are mistakes - and you can't do anything about it. You know what's going to happen, but your hands are tied and they don't want your advice. :P
Hugs, Hope
Yes. Now we know how the mother bird feels when she pushes the baby bird out of the nest (I bet she put's her wings over her ears.) :(
Hi Hope.... our children dont want our advice --they think they dont need it. But I will tell you this....Experience (life) is the most brutal teacher. We try to stop our children from falling because we dont want them to suffer.....we know what will happen....but sure cant stop them. Terrible feeling....like watching our kids fall in slow motion. But such is life....we need to fall in order to learn /
Love
Oh, I get such satisfaction in sharing with you ladies knowing that you understand - and you teach me to be strong. You give me a sense of confidence when I need it most.
Thank you!
Hugs, Hope
Hi Renet,
My situation is identical to yours. My older dd has cut me out of her life. As someone else mentioned in another post it is like the death of a child who is still alive. This is the worst thing I have ever faced, and never dreamt would happen to me. I don't miss the fighting and screaming and walking on eggshells, but I miss my precious granddaughter, she is my only granddaughter, and I want her to know how much I love her. I have always been proud of my children and felt they have always good choices, except for this, I am sure my dd will regret it someday.
I think it will take a long time to accept it, if ever, but it is comforting to come to this site, and listen to the words of all the wise women here. I don't confide in my good friends because they have close happy families, so it is good to come here where people understand.
Jill, I am the one who said it is like the death of a child still alive...... There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about her or miss her.... I love her little daughter so much and I know the few times she has been around me she loves me too.
There are times I just get in my car and drive and sob.....and sob...... I too can't talk to friends because I do not think anyone could ever understand this..... There is nothing I have done to cause this.....My husband always tells me I have 3 other children who love me...And I tell him if a child dies you cannot replace that child with another....nor does the love of my other children fill the emptiness the one has caused......
Of all the pain in my life.........this has been far the greatest.....
Please know that I am there for you Jill......and I am so sorry that your heart hurts like none can....... I am sorry your child does not realize how much you love them.....how much we love them..... I often wonder what my daughter would think if she saw my writings on here....I think it would only make her mad...........................
Hugs, Jill from someone who shares your sorrow.....
Quote from: Renet on November 07, 2010, 06:37:37 PM
Jill, I am the one who said it is like the death of a child still alive...... There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about her or miss her.... I love her little daughter so much and I know the few times she has been around me she loves me too.
There are times I just get in my car and drive and sob.....and sob...... I too can't talk to friends because I do not think anyone could ever understand this..... There is nothing I have done to cause this.....My husband always tells me I have 3 other children who love me...And I tell him if a child dies you cannot replace that child with another....nor does the love of my other children fill the emptiness the one has caused......
Of all the pain in my life.........this has been far the greatest.....
Please know that I am there for you Jill......and I am so sorry that your heart hurts like none can....... I am sorry your child does not realize how much you love them.....how much we love them..... I often wonder what my daughter would think if she saw my writings on here....I think it would only make her mad...........................
Hugs, Jill from someone who shares your sorrow.....
Renet and Jill,
There is no hurt like the death of a child, grown or not while they are still living. It is the most painful thing ever. My heart goes out to anyone who has to go through this. :'(
and Jill, I do not think you are suppose to ever accept it....................to do so is to give up all hope...........we have to have a little hope no matter how small.... My daughter sends cards to me on special occasions as if they are from her 4 year old daughter June....but never ever anything from her.... However, she now signs them with "I love you grandma, love June." I hold on to the hope that it is her way of telling me she loves me without doing so.....And the last time I saw her...this summer...she hugged me goodbye and was crying. It is the first time she hugged me in 5 years....but she quickly covered it up with telling me thank you for being so good to her children.....
I have heard from her twice since then...then last time was to yell at me because I only tried to call her daughter 4 times the day of her birthday, but never got through....although I did send a thoughtful present for her birthday and something to her little brother.... This last time I told her no more as she started to yell at me, and then I told her good bye and hung up. Everyday for the past 3 weeks I have wanted to pick up the phone and call her and tell her I am sorry that I hung up on her. But I did not nothing wrong...... No Jill, I can't accept it either....but I am trying really hard to accept her decision that she does not want me in her life or that of her children.... That's it Jill......there are no answers other than that.....
Quote from: Renet on November 07, 2010, 06:49:26 PM
and Jill, I do not think you are suppose to ever accept it....................to do so is to give up all hope...........we have to have a little hope no matter how small.... My daughter sends cards to me on special occasions as if they are from her 4 year old daughter June....but never ever anything from her.... However, she now signs them with "I love you grandma, love June." I hold on to the hope that it is her way of telling me she loves me without doing so.....And the last time I saw her...this summer...she hugged me goodbye and was crying. It is the first time she hugged me in 5 years....but she quickly covered it up with telling me thank you for being so good to her children.....
I have heard from her twice since then...then last time was to yell at me because I only tried to call her daughter 4 times the day of her birthday, but never got through....although I did send a thoughtful present for her birthday and something to her little brother.... This last time I told her no more as she started to yell at me, and then I told her good bye and hung up. Everyday for the past 3 weeks I have wanted to pick up the phone and call her and tell her I am sorry that I hung up on her. But I did not nothing wrong...... No Jill, I can't accept it either....but I am trying really hard to accept her decision that she does not want me in her life or that of her children.... That's it Jill......there are no answers other than that.....
Yes, the little cards are her way of keeping you in her life even at a distance.
Barley there........
Have you gone through this..............
Quote from: Renet on November 07, 2010, 06:55:40 PM
Barley there........
Have you gone through this..............
Yes, but not with a daughter, a son. My son disappeared in spirit at the altar. I am making it through, though...it has been years. I am much better and most days I can live with it. We still see him so that's kind of a help but he isn't the same person. I don't mean that he should not have grown up but he is now a robot.
Oh Barelythere, I just read some of your postings and see were it was your son... My youngest son is the child of my heart.....I could not imagine that kind of pain.....I am so sorry....... My D and I always had a tuff time..... But never my son......It would truly be unbearable if it were him...although when he got married almost 3 years ago he made the mistake of telling his wife I was his best friend...He told me she did not like that....I guess I can understand.... He is a mama's boy and I could care less. I have had to step back a little because she is his life and now they have a baby..and have moved 1000 miles away to go to school...But he still calls probably 3-4 times a week.... I am so sorry again.....I think my heart is so broken because of my D. and yet your kind of pain would do me in...... I do believe my D has turned against me ever since she married....like you said, It's as if he has convinced her how bad her childhood was... His mother is a counselor and she went to her about her childhood.... gads...is that a conflict of interest or what.....
Anyway....I am sorry for your loss.............I am very, very sorry.................hugs for you...hugs.......
Renet,
It sounds like you do have some contact with the birthday cards etc. even if they are from your granddaughter. I actually have not had birthday cards from either of my daughters for a long time, they phone, and have given me gifts in the past. Usually my gd will make me a card. I have emailed my gd a few times in the last month but have had no reply, I also sent her a Halloween card with a gift certificate, but she has not thanked me. I am assuming her mother is not letting her see the emails or the card. It's true, I have to have a small amount of hope. ...............Jill
Quote from: Renet on November 07, 2010, 07:13:05 PM
Oh Barelythere, I just read some of your postings and see were it was your son... My youngest son is the child of my heart.....I could not imagine that kind of pain.....I am so sorry....... My D and I always had a tuff time..... But never my son......It would truly be unbearable if it were him...although when he got married almost 3 years ago he made the mistake of telling his wife I was his best friend...He told me she did not like that....I guess I can understand.... He is a mama's boy and I could care less. I have had to step back a little because she is his life and now they have a baby..and have moved 1000 miles away to go to school...But he still calls probably 3-4 times a week.... I am so sorry again.....I think my heart is so broken because of my D. and yet your kind of pain would do me in...... I do believe my D has turned against me ever since she married....like you said, It's as if he has convinced her how bad her childhood was... His mother is a counselor and she went to her about her childhood.... gads...is that a conflict of interest or what.....
Anyway....I am sorry for your loss.............I am very, very sorry.................hugs for you...hugs.......
Thank you, Renet, it nearly did do me in. When you said this happened when your daughter married, I see that it happens to daughters too. I've seen some on here and I am shocked so I know the pain your in is awful. When your son said you were his best friend, I'm sure he meant that in the most sincere way but wives don't like that, which I guess you learned the hard way. I'm glad he calls you. Ours did call but doesn't anymore....but when we see him, he's fine for the most part. I'm blessed with that.
Barely there, I am new here. My son did the same......left me the day he married a very sick woman. I have been to counseling. Having this dil's motivation explained to me really helped at first. But I am always back to the same reality.......I have lost my son and my grandchildren!!
Welcome, this is the place to bring the horror of that. No fixes here, but a lot of understanding and support. Not being alone with itvcan be a blessings in itself. Sending love...
I just found this site today. My oldest son, DIL and 2 g-kids live 2 hours from me. They are always coming up to visit the theme parks but never have come to visit me, although invited often. The excuses are, 2yr old will not sleep in anything but his own bed........
This past week my father visited from out of state with the expressed purpose of seeing the kids and meeting his great grandsons. My son told me they would all come if grandpa came.
Turned out they decided to go to one more park and again lied about calling to come after that. I did not even get a call. Sometime before sunset, day over, I got a text informing me they were headed back home.
This avoiding scenario has been going on for 6 years. Last year I told my son I will no longer visit until they make the effort to come here. It hurts too much to have a one sided relationship. I am not made to feel welcome when I go visit them. My DIL stays gone the whole time stating that she wants to let me visit with my son and g-kids.
Everyone tells me to let it go. I am not stupid but I cannot help feel like my heart is breaking.
Welcome. The kind of thoughtless you describe is something many of us are familiar with. I'm sure you will get support here.
Flnnavy and Mommydearest
Welcome to these forum. We are all here to support you. Feel free to vent. You will be hearing great advice too from many wise women. Your stories are our stories......First thing is that we have to let go and live fully our lives, with our children, gc and inlaws or without them. We owe it to ourselves.
Love
Hi flnavymom, and mommydearest,
Welcome, there are many wise women here who will give lots of comfort and support. Isn't it amazing how the young moms today think they are just perfect. I am sure you wanted to take your grandson to a theme park just for fun, did it matter that his long term memory was not formed. Sounds like the sort of thing my dd would say.
I think sometimes the younger generation are too serious and don't have as much fun as we did.
Best wishes...................Jill
I have short-term memory and my kids take me places!
Luise,
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I'm starting to see alot more daughters not just sons on here.
I think we have a lot of ungrateful children today!!!
They have so much in a material way..............lack so much in emotional maturity............Am i the only one that feels like this?
This generation is alot more serious,they want to raise children with high self esteem.....very important,but it's coming across as they are better,or above us.
There are a lot of really great young adults, too. One is taking me to day-surgery on Dec. 1, waiting for me and bringing me home..."just because."
Thats awesome Luise!!!
And yes i know there are some really great young adults these days...............hmmmm,when i think of them...........what they have in common.............two sets of Grandparents......for real...........the ones I know do!!!
I will have to ask her. She's a grandmother herself...and very close to her mom, I know that.
Yes, but not with a daughter, a son. My son disappeared in spirit at the altar. I am making it through, though...it has been years. I am much better and most days I can live with it. We still see him so that's kind of a help but he isn't the same person. I don't mean that he should not have grown up but he is now a robot.
[/quote]
Oh everyone, I have tears in my eyes for I so understand. What is going on in this world. I would never think of avoiding my parents the way my sons do to me. I dont think or believe in my heart it is something we did wrong so what is it??? I do not drink, nor do I do drugs, never been arrested so what makes me such a bad person that my grown sons do not talk to me anymore? I am also grateful for this site for its something you cannot discuss with others--people look at you like you are some horrible human being. They just dont understand how lonely and how much we are hurting every second of the day. Peace and hugs to all...Faithlooksup