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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Scoop on February 16, 2012, 07:24:56 AM

Title: A question about gifts.
Post by: Scoop on February 16, 2012, 07:24:56 AM
I didn't want to hijack another post.  But Pen suggested that the OP stop accepting gifts from MIL.

You all know that my IL's skipped my birthday last year.  It was not a matter of 'no more gifts for adults', DH, SIL and BIL all got gifts.  In fact, DH got several hundred dollars worth of gifts. Historically, the IL's give me something for my birthday (except for 2005 - they 'skipped' that one too).

I was thinking that if the IL's try and give me a gift this year, I should refuse it.  But that seems SO RUDE to me.  How exactly can you 'politely' refuse a gift?  And do you guys think I should do it?  And should I have said something before Christmas and then NOT accepted Christmas gifts either?  I'm thinking that if MIL offers me ANYTHING this year, I'm going to say 'no thanks' and "you really shouldn't bother buying me anything else from now on".

Thanks for your opinions!

Scoop

PS - I think one of the biggest problems between my MIL and I is that I have a LONG memory.  So yeah, no gift in 2005, or that time in 2003 when she ragged on us for where we had placed a gift she gave us, or ...... etc.
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: pam1 on February 16, 2012, 07:34:35 AM
We have our no gifts rule firmly in place but it hasn't stopped MIL.  (for those who don't remember, big strings attached to gifts etc)

I used to get angry every time she broke the rule but now I'm realizing more it's my perception of it.  I *know* she's going to break the rule, I *know* that the gifts are going to be p/a in some way or inappropriate.  If anything, talking to her upped the ante because she knew it was one of our hot buttons.

Now she gets no reaction whatsoever from us, not a thank you, not asking why or reminding her of the rule.  There is no reaction at all.

So I guess I wonder if your MIL would react similar?  Do you think she would be able to handle "no, thanks" without escalating the situation?
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: Doe on February 16, 2012, 07:54:09 AM
I wrote another post that vanished so sorry if 2 appear.

Scoop-

what are you going for?
If you want to have it out with them, I would do it now, before the holiday/birthday.
If you just want some resolution, maybe you could decide that these people don't give you gifts and be surprised if they do.

My parents never gifted the spouses of their kids.  They would write a check out to me and I would thank them as if it was from us.  DH thanked them from time to time.

I don't have a lot of attachments to gift giving/receiving but I know it's important to some people.  If you don't expect them, you won't be disappointed.
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: luise.volta on February 16, 2012, 09:29:25 AM
My take: I think gifting is symbolic. It can reflect love, obligation, intimidation, rejection...the list is endless. To complicate that further...the intention (conscious or unconscious) of the giver may not be the perception of the recipient. Because of all of that, I doubt that we can come up with what will work. It can even change from occasion to occasion...because all of us are complex and multifaceted. I doubt that we can go very far beyond what works for us. I also agree that throwing down the gauntlet about gifting won't clarify or resolve anything...it's more likely to inflame. For me, I just do my best to be honest with myself and basically courteous. "Thanks." Long ago I stopped thinking I had to explain what I did with a gift...as in wear it or use it. I just tell others I don't go there and when I give them something, it is no longer any of my business...I have let go of it. If they stop gifting me because of their expectations...I feel that's about them, not me. Rereading what I have just written sounds cold. Maybe I am, but life has other issues, for me at least, that need my full attention and I have chosen not to give others that much power. Sending love...
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: elsieshaye on February 16, 2012, 09:42:07 AM
Quote from: pam1 on February 16, 2012, 07:34:35 AM
Now she gets no reaction whatsoever from us, not a thank you, not asking why or reminding her of the rule.  There is no reaction at all.

Pam, this is how I handled a P/A gift from my X-SIL this past Christmas.  I never acknowledged it.  I'm sure she thinks I'm the rudest person alive, but it felt like the least of several potential evils, and the least likely to escalate into ugliness.

E.
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: lancaster lady on February 16, 2012, 11:30:03 AM
hi Scoop ,

Do you think they deliberately missed your birthday or perhaps just forgot ?
You can get forgetful in advancing years .
Or if they did it deliberately , why ?
I can't imagine giving to my DS and not to his wife , that is for me a  deliberate snub , and would have
dire consequences .
If my DIL said ''no more presents for me , thankyou ''. I would be very hurt , but then I've never
' forgotten' her birthday . Mind you my DS does tend to remind me ...lol.
What does your DH think?
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: Scoop on February 16, 2012, 12:04:06 PM
Lancaster Lady - they texted my DH to wish me a Happy Birthday (we were in Disney at the time). 

And I had just finished clearing up the 'confusion' around my birth DATE and how old I am.  Yes, MIL argued with me over how old I am, because *I* couldn't possibly be turning 40!**  They used to know my correct birth date but for the past couple of years, they've been getting it wrong (who knows why?).  The worst part, it's all 7's, 71/7/17 - does it GET easier than that?  Nope, they were stuck on the 19th for a couple of years there.

** this one I can TOTALLY understand.  I'm sure that in her head MIL still thinks that SHE is 30, so how can her son and DIL be older than that?  We're just *kids*!  My Dad used to look at pictures of himself and the GK's and say "WHO is that *old* man holding my Grandson?"

The reason there weren't consequences is that often, they will give me a birthday gift the next time we see them.  Well, we saw them for (Canadian) Thanksgiving and there was nothing for me.  And when I brought it up to my DH, he said "Sure they got you something." but couldn't specify what it might be.  And then he stuck his head in the sand.

I get along quite well with SIL and I asked her if her and her DH get gifts from MIL and she said yes.  And SIL is (or was) the black sheep of the family!  That shows you that I am less than dirt to MIL and if she doesn't HAVE to give me something (because there's no audience like at Christmas) then she won't.

The thing is, I've been trying to be a better DIL.  I accept responsibility for 50% of how our relationship has turned out, so I've been 'working' on that 50%.  It just feels to me like MIL is actively trying to make things worse between us.

I think that I may have to go back to being 'mean' to MIL, because it worked.  It made her sit up and pay attention and she seemed to act nicer then.
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: Doe on February 16, 2012, 01:11:25 PM
Scoop-

Do you really want to be that person who gets nasty because she doesn't get gifts?  If you are trying to match your MIL one for one, you'll likely end up being your MIL one day!  If someone is driving you crazy, I think it's healthier to distance yourself, not get pulled into the vortex!

On another thread, someone was being told not to take gifts from the crazy MIL for the kids since they are toxic.  You might consider applying that to your situation.   I mean, moving off the gift exchange idea.  Let DH get his gifts and buy stuff for her - you can get out of that loop. 

What do you think?
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: pam1 on February 16, 2012, 01:41:01 PM
Quote from: elsieshaye on February 16, 2012, 09:42:07 AM
Quote from: pam1 on February 16, 2012, 07:34:35 AM
Now she gets no reaction whatsoever from us, not a thank you, not asking why or reminding her of the rule.  There is no reaction at all.

Pam, this is how I handled a P/A gift from my X-SIL this past Christmas.  I never acknowledged it.  I'm sure she thinks I'm the rudest person alive, but it felt like the least of several potential evils, and the least likely to escalate into ugliness.

E.

Elsie, I know they think I'm a rude piggie.  Sometimes I even still care but it's the only way I've found that doesn't escalate the situation.
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: luise.volta on February 16, 2012, 01:41:45 PM
D - No one on this Forum is ever told what to do. If it appears that way, please disregard. Often when we reply it is about a situation we have never had to face. Always, take what you want and leave the rest. Thanks.
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: Pooh on February 16, 2012, 01:47:58 PM
I do think it's about the person you want to be, not the person MIL is.  I buy gifts for people because I want to, and I buy for people when I don't want to.  I don't expect anyone to buy for me...at all.  If my own Mom doesn't buy me a gift, I'm ok with that.  If she buys me something, I'm ok with that.  Is it rude for someone to buy for everyone surrounding you and not you?  IMO, yes.  Is it a requirement that she buy for you?  IMO, no.   Honestly, I bought for my DIL when we had a relationship because I thought it was the right thing to do.  I bought for DS, so I thought it was right to buy for her, so I made a genuine effort to buy something I thought she would like.  Did I want to?  Nope.  That's just who I am.  I do things all the time that I don't want to, because it's the right thing to do.  That's the person I want to be.

I wouldn't refuse a gift if she gave it and just say "Thanks.  You don't have to hug her, make a big ado about it or anything.  A simple thank you is polite. 

You said you thought you might need to go back to being mean to MIL.  Did you like having to be mean to her?  Did it make you feel good to be mean to her?  How did it make you feel?  Not how did it make her feel or act.....
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: Scoop on February 16, 2012, 06:52:04 PM
Pooh - how did it make me feel?  It made me feel powerful.  Whereas now, I feel weak.  Now, I feel like she's "winning".  That she gets to do whatever she wants and hand me any digs, and we still go visit her and she never gets called on the carpet.

But I understand, I've even given the same advice to be nice because YOU're NICE, not because anyone else deserves it.

Ugh - I hate the taste of CROW!

DH and I always say "Let's play it by ear" and it always works for us, so I'll work with that and let it be.  I've got a long time until my birthday and even then, I'll play it by ear.

I was TRYING to keep this drama out of my life.  I didn't come to this site for 2 weeks or so at the beginning of the year.  I just can't quit you guys!
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: luise.volta on February 16, 2012, 08:27:30 PM
S - That's wonderful news (about WWU!)  :D
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: Pen on February 16, 2012, 09:58:59 PM
If a woman were to accept expensive jewelry from a nasty, awful man for whom she had no affection, what would you think? Might you suggest that if she had no intention of having a relationship with him the honorable thing would be to refuse it? Otherwise it keeps him on the string, it validates his nasty behavior, and it looks as if she's using him to get stuff.

IMO, a DIL's accepting gifts from a MIL she doesn't like is sending the same message (even if the gifts aren't expensive jewelry) plus she's modeling to her kids the concept that it's OK to use people you dislike.

IDK, we all come at these issues from our own perspective and situations. I found my DIL a bit hypocritical when she accepted our gifts after having told DS she hated us. But that's just my POV.
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: constantmargaret on February 16, 2012, 10:24:17 PM
You are all so much bigger than I am.

I would accept whatever the gift is, in whatever spirit it was given and write a thank you note. (Dear MIL, Thank you for the unusual scented exotic bath salts from walmart and handmade dryer lint fire starters. I will cherish them always. Love DDIL)

Then I would look at the gift, (not the giver, or the giver's intent), and decide if I wanted the thing or not. If not, I would put it on craigslist and sell it and spend the money on myself. I am ruthless like that. Once it's mine, I can do whatever I want with it. Keep it, Give it away, Sell it, Put it down the garbage disposer,...too much drama for me.

Make lemonade out of lemons.

ps. I really did receive fire starters made from dryer lint from my MIL long ago.

Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: lancaster lady on February 17, 2012, 12:47:57 AM
I never ever received anything from my MIL ! Nor did my kids. Yet because she was my husbands mother I continued to send her gifts . Eventually I got.fed up and stopped . As she never mentioned getting the gifts , she didn't say anything when after twenty years I stopped . I think my DH finally saw through all her lack of interest in his family for the nasty woman she really was . Her loss !
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: Pooh on February 17, 2012, 05:19:35 AM
My yucky first MIL used to buy me gifts all the time and to this day, I will stay lay down a $100 bill on the bet that she did it in a malicious way.  I was a size 6 when I got married and she would buy me these hideous jogging suits in colors like zebra with pink feathers in size 16.  She would buy me flannel pajama shirts in plus sizes, jewelry (costume) in the shapes of whales, etc.  My Ex even told her one time at Christmas after I opened something that was 6-8 sizes bigger than me, "Mom, you do realize she's a little skinny thing right?"  She would just smile and nod.  Her daughters and my DH got very nice, expensive things they wanted.

I still always would smile and say thank you, then when I got home, they went to the donation center or in the garbage.  The first few years, it did make me mad, so just because I was polite, don't think I wasn't steaming on the inside.  I then changed my dreading attitude to one of humor and it got to be funny to me to see what hideous, ugly thing she had for me this time.

Scoop, I know what you mean.  I'm dealing with SD who seems to get everything she wants and gets rewarded, by her Mom although we are dealing with her antics daily.  It angers me to sit back and watch her get to go to Disney after treating my DH like crap.  I've had to sit the last few days and just bite my tongue until it feels like it's bleeding as she's been gushing about her trip coming up.  She took her M to dinner last night for Valentine's day.  We bought her some things for the day and got a "Thanks".  Her M buys her a few things and gets taken to dinner.  I have her number though.  She's not doing it because she loves her M.  She's now all being nice to M simply because M is taking her on this extravagant trip.  She went from "(Groan) I don't want to go with M tonight but she's upset because I said no and started crying, so I'm going for a bit" to now M is the most wonderful M in the world.  It's totally about the trip and once it's over, you can bet your bottom dollar she'll go right back to dogging her M.  That's her MO. 

It stinks, it's unfair (our fav word) and it makes you feel like a peon to watch people get their way, when it's wrong.  It's hurtful and hard to be treated like nothing and watch someone else get whatever they want.  But you know what?  I also know, she's miserable.  Someone that will treat people so callously and doesn't care who they hurt, must be some of the most unhappy people in the world.  Don't let her make you feel weak.  In my eyes, it makes you the opposite.  I see you as being the stronger one because you can get to the place where what she says or does, doesn't matter.   That makes you very strong and her very weak.
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: Doe on February 17, 2012, 07:08:16 AM
My concern for you Scoop, is that your MIL is training you to be her replacement.    She has you so engaged in this evil game of hers. She treats you badly and she has trained you to want to treat her badly in return. What a waste of your time and attention.

It's like you're in one of those fairyland prisons and she's playing this music that makes you dance, even if you don't want to dance and it goes on for 200 years....

(I got that last from a book I read.)
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: Liz on February 20, 2012, 08:04:03 AM
If a woman were to accept expensive jewelry from a nasty, awful man for whom she had no affection, what would you think? Might you suggest that if she had no intention of having a relationship with him the honorable thing would be to refuse it? Otherwise it keeps him on the string, it validates his nasty behavior, and it looks as if she's using him to get stuff.

IMO, a DIL's accepting gifts from a MIL she doesn't like is sending the same message (even if the gifts aren't expensive jewelry) plus she's modeling to her kids the concept that it's OK to use people you dislike.

IDK, we all come at these issues from our own perspective and situations. I found my DIL a bit hypocritical when she accepted our gifts after having told DS she hated us. But that's just my POV.
[/quote]

I have been a longterm lurker and have gained much insight from the posts.  I had to officially register when I read this post.   And I could not agree more with Pen's comments.  I married a wonderful man 20 years ago... with not so wonderful parents.  Their only involvement with us was visiting every three years and sending the most random, thoughtless gifts.  In the beginning, it was amusing and I was gracious.  After my dad died, the began sending "grief" gifts for my birthday and Christmas.  For example, a Kleenex  box holder for "my grief tissues".  And spiritual Native American items used in grief ceremonies.  (DH and I do not have a passion for anything Native American).  I greatly grieved my dad and my loss was compounded when I opened these gifts... especially at Christmas and my birthday.  Come on, what about a nice box of chocolates?  My husband said "no more gifts" and they have thankfully complied.

If I would have accepted these gifts, I would have felt like a hyporcrite.  I also think if my ILs supported my husband and I along the way... the the normal ups and downs of marriage (hospitalized children, surgeries, job loss, etc) I could have remained gracious.  But the fact that it took 2 months to express condolences after my dad died, reinforced my negative feelings.
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: Liz on February 20, 2012, 08:08:58 AM
Quote from: Liz on February 20, 2012, 08:04:03 AM
If a woman were to accept expensive jewelry from a nasty, awful man for whom she had no affection, what would you think? Might you suggest that if she had no intention of having a relationship with him the honorable thing would be to refuse it? Otherwise it keeps him on the string, it validates his nasty behavior, and it looks as if she's using him to get stuff.

IMO, a DIL's accepting gifts from a MIL she doesn't like is sending the same message (even if the gifts aren't expensive jewelry) plus she's modeling to her kids the concept that it's OK to use people you dislike.

IDK, we all come at these issues from our own perspective and situations. I found my DIL a bit hypocritical when she accepted our gifts after having told DS she hated us. But that's just my POV.

I have been a longterm lurker and have gained much insight from the posts.  I had to officially register when I read this post.   And I could not agree more with Pen's comments.  I married a wonderful man 20 years ago... with not so wonderful parents.  Their only involvement with us was visiting every three years and sending the most random, thoughtless gifts.  In the beginning, it was amusing and I was gracious.  After my dad died, the began sending "grief" gifts for my birthday and Christmas.  For example, a Kleenex  box holder for "my grief tissues".  And spiritual Native American items used in grief ceremonies.  (DH and I do not have a passion for anything Native American).  I greatly grieved my dad and my loss was compounded when I opened these gifts... especially at Christmas and my birthday.  Come on, what about a nice box of chocolates?  My husband said "no more gifts" and they have thankfully complied.

If I would have accepted these gifts, I would have felt like a hyporcrite.  I also think if my ILs supported my husband and I along the way... the the normal ups and downs of marriage (hospitalized children, surgeries, job loss, etc) I could have remained gracious.  But the fact that it took 2 months to express condolences after my dad died, reinforced my negative feelings.
[/quote]

ok... you can tell I am a newbie.  I didn't format Pen's quote correctly.  I've italized my response (if I did it right) ; )
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: Pen on February 20, 2012, 09:49:44 AM
No worries, Liz. When you want to quote someone there are a couple of different ways to do it. I usually hit "insert quote" and then erase the parts I'm not referring to, if any, making sure I keep the html code at the beginning and end of the quote intact so it shows up as a quote in my post. Any comments I need to make go outside of the html code. Hope that helps!

Welcome, BTW. I hope I'm not repeating what another moderator might have already told you by giving you the official welcome speech, but here goes JIC: Please take a moment to read the posts highlighted in pink under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit.

Glad you're here!
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: Pen on February 20, 2012, 10:20:12 AM
Just for the record, I have been chastised by a couple of my friends for continuing to spend on DIL approximately what I spend on my DS & DD (a generous amount for us) for birthdays and Christmases, sometimes a smidge under, sometimes a smidge over. I shop at stores she likes and never give gifts that could be construed as a barb or dig about her (such as a gym membership or fancy new floor cleaning device.) She accepts my gifts graciously, but still doesn't seem too interested in a relationship. At least she's fairly polite to us now, that's a nice change.

I just wish DS would buy the gifts they give us...I know they spend a lot more on her FOO & buy gifts they actually want; we tend to get thoughtless, cheap gifts when DIL is doing the shopping. DS buys great gifts for us, but I think DIL likes to have control and takes over. I'd rather get nothing than something that feels like a slap in the face.
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: Scoop on February 20, 2012, 07:28:24 PM
I can see the point of accepting the gifts being hypocritical and I would dearly love to tell my MIL to not bother buying me anything, ever again.  But I can guess what her reaction will be.  She would be insulted, and hurt and CRY over it.  It would cause a big rift.

DH and I had a quiet time together and I asked him what he thought about it.  I told him that I would like for the IL's to not bother buying me gifts.  That I feel that they only buy me gifts when there will be witnesses to me opening them (i.e. Christmas when we're there, versus my birthday).  He said he would think about it and see what kind of solution we can come up with.  I hope he didn't give me the "yeah, yeah, whatever" approach that he's famous for.  I even called him out on it and told him that he'd better not be giving me the "yeah, yeah, whatever".

Wish me luck.
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: Pooh on February 21, 2012, 06:33:11 AM
Quote from: Liz on February 20, 2012, 08:04:03 AM
If a woman were to accept expensive jewelry from a nasty, awful man for whom she had no affection, what would you think?

My take is that is a totally different situation.  Dating/male-female relationships are a totally different ballgame IMO.  There are many things that many women would not tolerate in a dating situation that they will tolerate in a family situation.  The dynamics are different and family are people you will maybe see the rest of your life and you have no say-so in who your parents/siblings/DIL/MIL/Etc. are, most of the time.

I am under the impression, in my personal life, that anything someone buys me, if not done with malicious intent, is why they call it "a gift".  I have received things from people that love me whom I have a wonderful relationship with that make no sense to me.  In their world, it made sense to them when they purchased it.  So if I can get things from people that like me that are not my cup of tea, I will give the same courtesy to someone that doesn't like me, if it's not obviously malicious.

I can't bring myself to not buy for my DIL if I am buying for everyone else.  Even though I don't like her.  I would think that would be very hurtful to hand everyone else something and just obviously snub her.  Now, if it's no gifts for everyone, I'm good with that.  If DIL told me not to buy for her, just her, I would feel hurt and honestly, probably mad because I do try to buy her things that I think she will like.  I pay attention to what she wears, style, etc. and try to get something in her style.  Do I always hit the mark?  Probably not because I relationship is not good so we don't talk.  No talking means I don't find out what's she is into at the time.  So I do my best.  If she didn't want me to buy because she thought I bought bad gifts and I thought I was doing my best, I would take that as a snub and it's not going to help our relationship.  Just as if I didn't buy for her but everyone else, she should be hurt and angry.

This is just me.  Everyone has to make up their own minds how they feel about gift giving and receiving.  In my world, it's not about MIL/DIL, it's how I treat everyone.  I wouldn't show up at a birthday celebration for a friend without a gift unless it was specifically stated "no gifts" from everyone.  But if I walked in giftless because I was told no gifts and everyone else brought one because I was the only one they told that, I would be hurt.  Just me.
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: justus on March 05, 2012, 07:14:54 PM
Sorry I am late to this.

Scoop, I am glad you talked to your DH about this. This is an insult to him as much as it is an insult to you. You are important to him, so you should be worthy of respect and consideration to them. They don't have to like you, but they do need to at least acknowledge your importance to him, and they would if they truly cared for him. Have you ever thought you are the bat the beat him with? By being such P/A jerks about this, and FIL is just as responsible, they are disrespecting him. It is up to him to call them on this kind of behavior.

I have a lot of experience both as a recipient of awful gifts and as a parent giving gifts. I met my DS's GF of six months over the summer and bought her a Christmas gift in December. I sent it to DS's address and when he got it, he told me they were no longer together. I told him to keep the gift and give it to someone who would appreciate it. Even though I had met her just once, it was important to me to acknowledge this girl's importance to him with this gift. He had never been with someone so long. If he does have an SO and Christmas or some other gift giving occasion comes along, you bet I will buy something for her even if I have never met her. I am hit or miss with gifts. Sometimes I am spot on and other times I totally miss, but I give a gift and let it go. I make sure the recipient can exchange it and I am not offended if they do.

I am of two minds on this. You are right to be offended by their treatment of you as it is an obvious slight. Yet, by being offended, you give them power to hurt you. You are putting more effort into the relationship than they are just by being mad. So a large part of me says to let it go, make a joke of it, even say to DH, "You owe me $20." When they ask, say in an uncaring manor that you bet DH they would totally forget your birthday again this year. The other part of me would note this slight, and make sure to put in as much effort for their special days as they put into yours. I would make sure DH knew about it, and I would make the comparison with what you received as to what everyone else in the family received very concrete so he could not just ignore it.

Either way, putting as much effort into the relationship as they put into it is the way to go. Make gift giving for them DH's responsibility. If he tends to go overboard, put it into the budget how much he can spend on them. If he tends to forget, don't remind him. Let him do what he will for his Ps. Don't even arrange for your kids to do something for them. He doesn't do this sort of thing for your family, don't do it for his. His family, his responsibility. If your PILs were different, things would be different, but these are the consequences of their own choices.

The sort of thing your MIL is doing comes around eventually. Be patient, let it mature, then enjoy the show.
Title: Re: A question about gifts.
Post by: therealityis on March 05, 2012, 08:18:40 PM
No reaction is the best reaction.
In My Opinion:
When you react to whatever your MIL does whether she does or doesn't give you a gift; you are then making it your problem. When she gives you something just say thank you and move on from that, and if she doesn't give you a gift don't worry about it, because what does it matter if she doesn't.
Rise above her reasons why she chooses to treat you the way she does and accept that there is a problem between the two of you, and unless you are both willing to work through it nothing will change.
You have your choices as she has hers, be the bigger person who won't allow her to ruin or dramatize your day and remember you don't have to do or give her anything that doesn't fit into your comfort zone; such as a cuddle, a smile or even a spoken word if that is how you feel; just be true to yourself and always be polite regardless of how you feel, you will eventually be happy with not responding as you find more peace in it than any drama from a negative action.