WiseWomenUnite.com

Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: renny97 on March 07, 2010, 11:05:19 AM

Title: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: renny97 on March 07, 2010, 11:05:19 AM
As I was walking around doing chores, I had another "slant" on relationship between son, DIL, and me.

MIL's are often accused of "interferring" or "still trying to parent." (Nothing new there). Although, we are parents, the same negative traits are not projected onto the son, DIL, or her family? Why? Because they are our adult children. They won't get the same stigma. I realize, DILs get some, but I not so much from this viewpoint.

We've heard about "role reversals." Their "interfering" and "controlling behavior" *seems* to be "okay." (Not all) They don't have the title of "MIL."

I am not one to "toot my own horn." But, I have been called, "fiercely independent," "strong," and "resourceful." I am not even aware most of the time, that when I was a single mother, I raised a son, always worked (however many jobs) or pursued work, college degree, and maintained home(s).

It was my choice to remain single. I often added, "Happily so." There were too many *red flags* when I dated for a brief time. I didn't feel pressured or compulsive about having to have a SO in my life. My drive and motivation, was my son. Anyone who could not fit into that, had to go.

I guess, that is why I get especially annoyed by "interfering" connotations. I never had the mindset or "ego" (?) to allow myself to think that DIL may fear being alone beyond belief. Maybe I represent that? (Alone)

So, because of my background, I really resent controlling people. I lived without it. I don't ask for much help from son. He has offered and I very much appreciated. It wasn't about quantity of visits, it was having a nice time. When, the time I had with son and family became tense and disrespectful, I had to finally make it known and stand alone. That is what I've known.

I do feel that being alone, I have been dealt "both barrels." (Outnumbered). Not so much sympathy as the fact.

I am watching, Dwayne Dyers, "Excuse Be Gone." It is very enlightening. I don't feel this is an excuse, but I just think it is odd, that a couple that is half my age, is now telling me how it is gonna be! (Their treatment towards me) Especially, when I learned to survive to hear this! Irony, or some weird "twist."? "Apparently" I earned name-calling! NOT!
I obviously "know nothing."  ;)

On the DD Show, a teacher once told him, "when you are given pieces; try to make them fit." I guess, that is what I sometimes do. I know I think too much. My scope says, "words and thoughts are like food" to my sign.

So, wisdom and age aren't as one, but it means there has been some life experiences that we do have to "get." Some knowledge is bestowed. And, if nothing else, speak with decency. If not, it won't be.

My current thinking or realization, is that I won't bring up any past issues in future contact. Son is emeshed. His choice. The only requirement I have now is that I am not talked to like dirt. That may require me to stay away for long periods. It is up to them, not me. But, how does that other saying go, "I'd rather stand for something, than fall for everything."


Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 07, 2010, 11:11:20 AM
Renny, you're very strong...I admire that. :)
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: luise.volta on March 07, 2010, 11:23:04 AM
I love the stand you have taken about not being verbally abused. Good for you for drawing that line.  YES!
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: cocobars on March 07, 2010, 12:12:04 PM
I absolutely agree with Chickie and Luise.  You've drawn a line in the sand, that I think is emotionally healthy for you and is a sign of bravery.  Who knows how long their verbal abuse could have gone on.

I hope everything plays out well for you.  Time is a great healer though, and I've noticed that when I have left things alone like this, most of the time it has awesome returns! :)

Keep being strong, Renny!  And believe in miracles! ;)   

Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: cremebrulee on March 07, 2010, 12:37:25 PM
Quote from: renny97 on March 07, 2010, 11:05:19 AM
As I was walking around doing chores, I had another "slant" on relationship between son, DIL, and me.

MIL's are often accused of "interferring" or "still trying to parent." (Nothing new there). Although, we are parents, the same negative traits are not projected onto the son, DIL, or her family? Why? Because they are our adult children. They won't get the same stigma. I realize, DILs get some, but I not so much from this viewpoint.

We've heard about "role reversals." Their "interfering" and "controlling behavior" *seems* to be "okay." (Not all) They don't have the title of "MIL."

I am not one to "toot my own horn." But, I have been called, "fiercely independent," "strong," and "resourceful." I am not even aware most of the time, that when I was a single mother, I raised a son, always worked (however many jobs) or pursued work, college degree, and maintained home(s).

It was my choice to remain single. I often added, "Happily so." There were too many *red flags* when I dated for a brief time. I didn't feel pressured or compulsive about having to have a SO in my life. My drive and motivation, was my son. Anyone who could not fit into that, had to go.

I guess, that is why I get especially annoyed by "interfering" connotations. I never had the mindset or "ego" (?) to allow myself to think that DIL may fear being alone beyond belief. Maybe I represent that? (Alone)

So, because of my background, I really resent controlling people. I lived without it. I don't ask for much help from son. He has offered and I very much appreciated. It wasn't about quantity of visits, it was having a nice time. When, the time I had with son and family became tense and disrespectful, I had to finally make it known and stand alone. That is what I've known.

I do feel that being alone, I have been dealt "both barrels." (Outnumbered). Not so much sympathy as the fact.

I am watching, Dwayne Dyers, "Excuse Be Gone." It is very enlightening. I don't feel this is an excuse, but I just think it is odd, that a couple that is half my age, is now telling me how it is gonna be! (Their treatment towards me) Especially, when I learned to survive to hear this! Irony, or some weird "twist."? "Apparently" I earned name-calling! NOT!
I obviously "know nothing."  ;)

On the DD Show, a teacher once told him, "when you are given pieces; try to make them fit." I guess, that is what I sometimes do. I know I think too much. My scope says, "words and thoughts are like food" to my sign.

So, wisdom and age aren't as one, but it means there has been some life experiences that we do have to "get." Some knowledge is bestowed. And, if nothing else, speak with decency. If not, it won't be.

My current thinking or realization, is that I won't bring up any past issues in future contact. Son is emeshed. His choice. The only requirement I have now is that I am not talked to like dirt. That may require me to stay away for long periods. It is up to them, not me. But, how does that other saying go, "I'd rather stand for something, than fall for everything."

Renny, I feel the exact same way as you do, and we are much alike, I never needed people or wanted to depend on anyone else for my happiness...and yes, it is our son's choices...

I was a DIL myself...and vowed, I would never ever interfer or be overwhelming...and I can honestly say, I wasn't...I have made suggestions several times to my son, but I am not offended if he chooses not to listen to me...it's his choice his life....

I hope it plays out well for you to...no matter how strong you are...this is painful and it follows you around like a dark cloud....

Was I wrong, yes, probably so...in a lot of things I did...however...I don't believe I deserve so little...we all make mistakes, we can't all think and feel alike...

I commend you for your steadfastness...and will read this post of yours many times...

Thank you for sharing....

Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: renny97 on March 07, 2010, 04:01:49 PM
Thanks, All. I realize I am not invincible. I guess, I have been breaking it down into "soft mama" or "tough mama." And, I was caught off guard, never thinking my tough mama skills had to come back into play and ever thinking it would be son-related. It is like; "Okay, life, it is gonna get all weird now." I see now, I ignored the "red flags" I used to SEE so easily with OTHER people.

I've made my decision to cope, based on whether DIL (or hopefully limited contact with her family and I mean, hello and goodbye) can talk to me normally? If not, we all start over again. I have deep conviction about that.

I am sure I messed up somewhere, but still think I need to keep weaknesses away from someone who I think may be hurtful. And, since I will try to keep their past transgressions alone, I expect the same. If someone is vindictive, I am not gonna help em. It doesn't "excuse" intentional bashing. I was also told by others, that I don't have "malice" and I am TOO honest. I think it is important to look at our good traits, instead of what the "bullies" want to focus on to "prove" their point(s). Although, as I've written, being TOO honest, can be a bad trait if you don't have the RIGHT people listening. I am muddling through the hypocriscy.

This is my POWER SURGE. That is my name for these "moments." (not hormones anymore..lol) But, I need to stick up for myself, if none will.

This is my approach. It is all about respect. If others don't have it for me, there isn't any outcome.
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: luise.volta on March 07, 2010, 04:07:28 PM
I love that Declaration of Independence...Stand Up and Be Counted posture! ;D
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: renny97 on March 07, 2010, 05:49:32 PM
Aaaye, Luise! Exactly. Freedom from oppression. Probably why I love the 4th of July so much--Independence Day!
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: cocobars on March 08, 2010, 05:27:04 PM
Words of a truly strong woman!  Oh!  And wise.

Without a doubt! ;D

Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: Barbie on March 08, 2010, 05:43:58 PM
Renny, I love it!
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: cremebrulee on March 09, 2010, 04:55:07 AM
I love the song, "I AM WOMAN!"

hehehe
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: cocobars on March 09, 2010, 04:56:12 AM
Just remember not to roar!  HAHAHA!
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: renny97 on March 09, 2010, 06:59:50 AM
I am woman; hear me MEOOOOOW! LOL!

(I love that song called, "Independence Day", I believe, by,
Martina McBride. She's my fav country singer, too.)

Let freeeedom riiiiiing!
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: Marilyn on March 09, 2010, 10:20:08 AM
Renny,your getting stronger,and stronger........you have taken your power back.

We both joined in here at WWU,about the same time.You were fearful of your DIL then.She had threatened to push you down the stairs.

Now look at you!!!Great attitude,keep moving forward!!! :) :) :)
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: cremebrulee on March 09, 2010, 10:41:53 AM
Quote from: cocobars on March 09, 2010, 04:56:12 AM
Just remember not to roar!  HAHAHA!

no no, I'll purrrrr loudly....LOL
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: cremebrulee on March 09, 2010, 10:43:08 AM
Quote from: Anna on March 09, 2010, 05:08:47 AM
Funny, several friends & I sang I Am Woman at a community get together years ago, karaoke style !! ;D

Get out!!!!  I would have loved to hear you sing!!!! 

Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: renny97 on March 09, 2010, 12:15:54 PM
Thanks, MIW. WIP coming right along.....

It came down to my OGD (my lowest moment when she began getting mouthy, too) She is NOT going to see a wimpy grandma! And, mommy is not going to talk mean to grandma anymore!!!!! Grandma, is NOT scraps.

That was my "wake up." If son is fooled, that is HIS problem. If he wants to disown his mother, I will not go cowering. I look back, even now, and wondered "what was I thinking"?

I think once the fear was gone and estranged relations anyway, what more could they do to me?
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 09, 2010, 12:46:23 PM
I envy you, Renny.  I am thrilled that you came to this.

Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: cocobars on March 10, 2010, 04:25:47 PM
Quote from: renny97 on March 07, 2010, 04:01:49 PM
This is my POWER SURGE. That is my name for these "moments." (not hormones anymore..lol) But, I need to stick up for myself, if none will.

Oh!  Is that what you call them?   HAHAHA!! 

It's ok.  As long as no light bulbs get blown!  Renny, you are too funny and I'm going to keep reading your posts!
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: jkm426 on March 11, 2010, 04:53:52 AM
I am a strong woman too.  If my son wants to cowtow to his DF, go ahead.  For me, I am not marrying her and I have no intention of cowering some corner to keep her happy.  Either my son can be a big boy and stand up for himself or not.  Not my problem.
As for for future grandkids....well I already have three and I will not be held hostage on the whim of this girl.  You cut me off from the grandkids, don't ask me for ANYTHING( including babysitting)when it suits you.
My FDIL is already making these noises and they are not even contemplating children for several years.  Comments like "I hope you know you will see/indulge/treat my children like you do your others."  My response "Well, your kids will miss out on a great Nonna.  It will be sad for them."
I don't HAVE to take mess from anyone.  Yeah, just a few weeks short of 50, I am woman hear me roar......
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: renny97 on March 11, 2010, 07:53:04 AM
I agree, JK.

You chose a good word for all this-----"held hostage." That is exactly what it is!!! Good point!~!

Time to break freeeeee!

I "loooooove" DIL threats! Or, "jokes" as son calls em! She must've had a good laugh all these
years! Well, this "grandma" ain't gonna be blackmailed anymore". Meeeeeeeowwww!

It is horrible to say, but, "it used to be worth it." But, if I am the only one "fightin" for rights, I am
truly outnumbered. But, I won't give up rights to my dignity.

Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: Pen on March 11, 2010, 08:02:41 AM
Eleanor Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: renny97 on March 11, 2010, 08:13:00 AM
Pent,
I had to live that hard lesson. I've heard that quote before. I also, used to keep in mind, Dr.Phil's
"Ya teach people how to treat ya." (similar)

I was silly, to think that my love or efforts would "somehow" matter. It is truly no match for
DYSfunction. That is what "hung me up" for soooooooo loooooong. It is like a DIL's family has a
disease. There is no rationalizing. After so much soul-searching, it is really quite simple---to me (not easy).

(Something is going on with text "wrap-around" function? I have to use hard-return?)
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: renny97 on March 11, 2010, 08:39:38 AM
I have an idea! How about a line of T-shirts for GPs? "Dysfunctional In-laws Rule!"

We could wear em, if they ever visit? LOL!

Any other ideas! Not saying it is realistic, but it might make quite the "fashion statement" at the
next gathering! LOL.  ;)

"Invisible GP"!? Disclaimer, "If you see me, it is just an illusion." Hey, this if fun!
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: luise.volta on March 11, 2010, 08:52:23 AM
I love the word  "unite." What strength we are all finding in that!

And the comment that it's "simple but not easy" is so wise. It's simple and very clear that we need to stand and be counted...but most of us have no training in how to do that...so it's not easy. I celebrate every woman here and our commitment to move forward.

"United we stand," is a good one, too. We are giving each other what we haven't been able to find elsewhere...support and understanding. Solidarity.  ;D

Roar!  >:( Hear that? I may be 83, but I am learning how to roar! It's never too late! I don't roar at others...I just roar for the pure fun of it!!!
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 11, 2010, 08:56:07 AM
roar back at ya, Luise.....little bitty, tiny roar.  I'm not there yet but still trying.
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: luise.volta on March 11, 2010, 08:56:30 AM
T-shirts! Yes!  ;D

How about: "Grandmother for Rent: relatives need not apply!"

Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: luise.volta on March 11, 2010, 09:01:32 AM
Yes, Chickie....practice, practice, practice! I am going to look in the mirror and roar! I may just scare myself!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 11, 2010, 09:02:47 AM
"meow"...best I can do. ;D
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: luise.volta on March 11, 2010, 09:06:59 AM
Repeat after me: Meeeeeeooooo -oooooooooaaaaarrrrrrrr!! Yes!
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: renny97 on March 11, 2010, 09:26:48 AM
So wonderful!

I am grandparent, hear me SOAR! (With or without broom! lol) Can I hear a PING!

How could PING be incorporated on the T-shirt? Luise, would have copyright symbol there.
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: luise.volta on March 11, 2010, 09:45:56 AM
I'm a grandparent; watch me Ping! Do me wrong; watch me Pong!
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: Marilyn on March 11, 2010, 11:12:05 AM
Luise you are sooooooo cute!!! :)
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: luise.volta on March 11, 2010, 12:02:21 PM
That's what I call it when I remove someone from our membership because they cause trouble...I "Pong" them!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: Barbie on March 11, 2010, 01:59:13 PM
Hilarious!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: Pen on March 11, 2010, 02:36:54 PM
I'm trying to come up with the words to match the acronyms SOAR or PING. What can you guys come up with?
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: luise.volta on March 11, 2010, 02:49:38 PM
Sore and Sting! (Just kidding!)
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: cocobars on March 11, 2010, 04:39:35 PM
HAHAHA!  Geeze, Luise!
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: renny97 on March 11, 2010, 10:24:30 PM
P=Peace
I=Inside
N=Nice
G=Gals

S=Sweet
O=On
A=Air
R=Racing

LOL!

P=Pixie
I=Is
N=Near
G=Godmother (Fairy)

P=Pass
I=It (Wand)
N=Near
G=Gals
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: luise.volta on March 11, 2010, 10:37:39 PM
Wonderful!
S = Silly
O = Once
A = After
R = Reading (WWU)
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: Barbie on March 12, 2010, 06:33:53 AM
Renny and Louise, you crack me up.
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: luise.volta on March 12, 2010, 07:10:38 AM
I want to die laughing...literally!  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 12, 2010, 07:14:28 AM
That would be great, Luise.  "HA HA HA  HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Splat 8)

("what happened to her?  Where did she go?  She knew very well this was my birthday and she had the NERVE to die on my birthday!!!")

I want to go when it's more convenient for everyone.  ;D
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: cocobars on March 12, 2010, 08:31:48 AM
She got her wings.... :)
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: Hope on March 12, 2010, 10:04:17 PM
Quote from: renny97 on March 07, 2010, 11:05:19 AM
As I was walking around doing chores, I had another "slant" on relationship between son, DIL, and me.

MIL's are often accused of "interferring" or "still trying to parent." (Nothing new there). Although, we are parents, the same negative traits are not projected onto the son, DIL, or her family? Why? Because they are our adult children. They won't get the same stigma. I realize, DILs get some, but I not so much from this viewpoint.

We've heard about "role reversals." Their "interfering" and "controlling behavior" *seems* to be "okay." (Not all) They don't have the title of "MIL."

I am not one to "toot my own horn." But, I have been called, "fiercely independent," "strong," and "resourceful." I am not even aware most of the time, that when I was a single mother, I raised a son, always worked (however many jobs) or pursued work, college degree, and maintained home(s).

It was my choice to remain single. I often added, "Happily so." There were too many *red flags* when I dated for a brief time. I didn't feel pressured or compulsive about having to have a SO in my life. My drive and motivation, was my son. Anyone who could not fit into that, had to go.

I guess, that is why I get especially annoyed by "interfering" connotations. I never had the mindset or "ego" (?) to allow myself to think that DIL may fear being alone beyond belief. Maybe I represent that? (Alone)

So, because of my background, I really resent controlling people. I lived without it. I don't ask for much help from son. He has offered and I very much appreciated. It wasn't about quantity of visits, it was having a nice time. When, the time I had with son and family became tense and disrespectful, I had to finally make it known and stand alone. That is what I've known.

I do feel that being alone, I have been dealt "both barrels." (Outnumbered). Not so much sympathy as the fact.

I am watching, Dwayne Dyers, "Excuse Be Gone." It is very enlightening. I don't feel this is an excuse, but I just think it is odd, that a couple that is half my age, is now telling me how it is gonna be! (Their treatment towards me) Especially, when I learned to survive to hear this! Irony, or some weird "twist."? "Apparently" I earned name-calling! NOT!
I obviously "know nothing."  ;)

On the DD Show, a teacher once told him, "when you are given pieces; try to make them fit." I guess, that is what I sometimes do. I know I think too much. My scope says, "words and thoughts are like food" to my sign.

So, wisdom and age aren't as one, but it means there has been some life experiences that we do have to "get." Some knowledge is bestowed. And, if nothing else, speak with decency. If not, it won't be.

My current thinking or realization, is that I won't bring up any past issues in future contact. Son is emeshed. His choice. The only requirement I have now is that I am not talked to like dirt. That may require me to stay away for long periods. It is up to them, not me. But, how does that other saying go, "I'd rather stand for something, than fall for everything."

Renny, you're my hero!  I love the way you think and I admire your independence!  I want to be just like you when I grow up.
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: luise.volta on March 13, 2010, 09:13:10 AM
I just read this and your post reminded me of it:

"Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone."
Title: Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
Post by: cocobars on March 15, 2010, 01:15:31 PM
I don't really think anyone cares how you sound at Karaoke!  It's amateur night and everyone is good, just because they had the nerve to get up and go sing in font of everyone else!   HAHAHA!  Happy you had such a good time, Anna!