First of all, I am hoping to find some kind of support here and maybe insight from others who may have gone through or going through what I have. So in advance thank you.
My story may be long, but it is what it is.
My daughter turned 19 in September. Since the age of 12 she would get in trouble at school. I used to get called in all of the time. There was a girl at school named Jenny who used to bully her and this made it difficult. She was doing things at home like stealing and lying. Then she stole someone's boots at school. I had to pay for them and she had to do community service. I along with her.
She started to see a mental health therapist who diagnosed her with oppositional defiance disorder. She told me that as she got older she may grow out of it but she never did. After a while we stopped seeing the therapist as she would get upset with my daughter during sessions where it became too much for her and she pretty much wished me luck.
As she got older each year things seemed to get worse. More trouble at school. Turned out she became friends with her bully and seemed to always get in trouble with her. Jenny would tell her that we didn't care about her and would encourage her to run away several times. During her senior year I found out she was smoking pot. My smoke alarms at home went off and i saw she had a towel stuffed under her door. She went to school and later that day was suspended from school from smoking pot with Jenny on the school grounds. So getting caught didn't even make her feel any kind of way. She was facing expulsion and I put her in a rehab program. She went for 6 months to a group meeting Saturdays from 2-3. I drove her there. So this was my sentence too.
In June 2015 she tested clean. She graduate HS by the skin of her teeth. Because of all of the stresses she put us through we decided not to buy her a car as we did for our son when he graduated the year prior. She needed to earn it. So that summer she worked and I enrolled her in community college. Her brother was attending the same school so he would driver her. She complained she wanted to drive and have her own car. We tested her for pot and she came up positive again. I told her as long as she smokes pot that would never happen.
She didn't argue much anymore about it but she would do other things at home to upset us. She'd come home later than we asked her to. Then one night in January of this year she lied to us saying she would be with friends in the city and she disappeared. Her friends said they weren't with her and she would not return our calls or texts. We were worried and called the police the next day when she didn't come home. She eventually came home that morning with some story that we didn't believe. Crocodile tears telling us that her friends father tried to sexually assault her. I told her if she felt like she was in danger why didn't she use her phone and call for help? this would be the beginning of more times that she would lie and just leave our home.
After the second semester ended my daughter sad she wanted to go a different route. She wanted to be an esthetician. I had no issues with this and helped her look into programs. We were considering enrolling her in September. Prior to her birthday we had planed a family trip. We allowed our kids to choose the location. They chose Cancun. They were excited. A week before we would go she left again. No reason and then suggested if she did go she would have to keep away from us and do her own thing. This upset me and I just cancelled her ticket altogether. She was staying with her friend Jenny and her family. I went over to talk to Jenny's mother but she wasn't your typical concerned parent. I felt that as long as my D could pay her a rent it was all good.
When we got back from our trip my D wanted to talk to us. She asked to come home. Said things would change. She got another cell phone as she sad she did not want us tracking her. I told her that I was ok that she wanted to be responsible for her own phone. However living here means answering your phone and letting us know where you are. She said she wanted to work her way to enrolling in school and getting a car. In November we enrolled her in school. The start date was December 5th. The weekend of Thanksgiving we bought her a car. We gave it to her with restrictions. To use only for school and work. She was supposed to test clean for pot if she wanted full possession. Then she dropped a bomb on us that she had quit her job but insisted she had interviewed and would be starting another one at a bakery.
The first day of school she was asked to see a doctor. She had ringworm on her face and the director said she couldn't come back until it cleared. My D was upset and had a note that excused her for 3 days. During the days she couldn't go to school she told us she'd be working, however I couldn't believe that they would allow her to work with a fungus on her face. When my husband went to check on her it turned out she was lying. She had taken the car and disappeared. Didn't return our call or texts. We were worrying all night. Checked her room for clues. Found out she had a pet guinea pig she never told us about. She came home at 6:00am the next day and put 270 miles on the car.
She had no remorse. She was more upset because we told her she couldn't use the car. She even suggested being grounded. She asked about school and my H said he'd drive her. which i thought wouldn't work as he works evenings and he'd be too tired. She was not happy about that idea but he took her to school that day. That afternoon she face timed me saying she had someone who take the guinea pig. I told her to have the person come get it but she said she'd need to take it. I told her I'd take her since she is not allowed to go anywhere because of what she did. But she said she had to take care of business and was not doing that. Long story short she left and has not come back home.
She has broken me emotionally and financially. I don't know what else to say or do. She went to her friend Jenny's house again but I found out her family didn't care for the in and out behavior. I have since withdrawn her from school, packed her room up and have most of her belongings in my basement, and have the car I bought sitting on my driveway. I gave her till the end of February to get her things or they get donated. She came by for Christmas to collect gifts and was even disappointed that I didn't get her what she wanted, meanwhile I saw she had new clothes, hair done, nails done and didn't bring me anything.
I haven't spoken to her since Christmas eve. I have found out she spends her time with friends drinking and smoking in hotels around the state. I am beyond disappointed. I have been through so much with her. The disrespect, lack of remorse and insight is unbelievable. She has crossed every boundary imaginable. I am trying to stay sane. I really don't want to speak to her and at the same time am trying to keep healthy boundaries. I refuse to do anything else for her. I cant believe she is this way or that I gave birth to someone like this. I remember telling her once how my mom had nothing and I would always do anything and everything to make her proud. I would never speak to her the way she does me. Her answer was "I'm not you".
Just a sad situation. Any feedback and support is welcome. I really need virtual hugs right now.
Honestly, the description of your daughter reminds me of a relative of ours. She, too had trouble - similar to your daughter. We found out she was into heavy drugs (and probably prostitution to some extent). Her father was lucky to get her into an adolescent residential centre for drug and alcohol addiction for six months. We were lucky - she is doing fine today (almost three years later). While there, she had a lot of counselling - diagnosed with an anxiety disorder as well as a possible personality disorder. Her life, I expect, will always be rather difficult.
I know this is not what you want to hear - I so feel for you. And, I hope, your daughter is not into as dangerous a lifestyle as was our relative. Are there any groups you could attend to help you? Could your local mental health centre have any help or advice? Unfortunately, this "way of living - constant partytime" is not uncommon. Perhaps someone else on this board might have more insight.
Welcome, J. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me first, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website. I hope you get some useful feedback and support here.
I did not have the same kind of issues you describe when my two sons were growing up. Lots of issues, just nothing similar. What I had to learn was that I had done my best and the rest was up to them. Young adulthood was about their choices and the consequences. My job was to let go and get on with my own life.
I found that incredibly hard but I made it and so did they. Hugs...
Thanks,
I know that I have done my best. I just find it amazing and heartbreaking that my own child cannot see what is in front of her face. I am convinced that she may have a personality disorder however when she was treated last the therapist did not confirm that. He only mentioned her immaturity.
She is out there and has never had to pay real bills. She did want me to give her the car I am making payments on so that she may continue. But when I bought it, I bought it for the person living under my roof for school and work. I have no idea how she makes her money or what the intention is for the car but my name is on it. I put a heft deposit on it and its not going anywhere.
I still have not heard from her. I don't think I should reach out and say anything. I did nothing wrong. I honestly cannot see myself having any relationship with her after all that she has put us through. The fighting at home, the disrespect the lack of caring. Its surreal to me. I wanted her to have a better path. Why cant our kids trust us. why listen to their jerky friends who have nothing to show?
For me, the 'whys' were connected with my very 'garden Variety' expectations. Eventually, I got to a place where I no longer tried to make sense of the senseless. The price was too high and my self worth finally won out. Hugs to you as you traverse this minefield.
Thanks.
When I think about how I could have lost my job because of the many times I had to go to her school and how my marriage suffered as well. My H and I always fighting about how to handle her and this situation. Eventually we wound up in MC as well.
We are trying to heal our marriage. My H has been beside me making sure I don't get sick or fall into a deeper sadness than needed. I am being distant as my heart cannot feel the kind of happiness or love it should.
Does it get to a point where I just stop caring? Not sure how to let go like a lot of people have told me thus far.
What is true for most of us here, is that each one of us has had to find her own path through these issues. We offer our experience to each other...share, listen and care...and we are still pretty much on our own. I know of no one that has moved through it rapidly. For most of us...it was a roller coaster for a long period of time before we came out the other side.
What I found with my eldest son was there was no logic involved and no mutual effort to resolve it. I couldn't change his perceptions and his attachment to them. What I could change was how I felt and how I responded. At first, I thought I was helpless and at the effect of it but what was actually going on was I was unwilling to accept it and for a long time, I got stuck in self pity. I think it's a natural reaction and probably healthy at first but I created it being a new art form. Nothing hurt me as much as I hurt myself. I was into blame and suffering because life didn't turn out the way I thought I deserved to have it turn out. That's just my story but it's the only one I have to tell. Nothing changed except me and my life is full of joy. I didn't sweep anything under the rug or do Pollyanna...I just turned in other directions by shifting my focus.
Thanks Luise,
I do agree that i need to change my response, my focus and how I am feeling. I am off this week from work, but I think as I have more to do and focus on it may hurt a little less.
I have ready many stories and I know none are the same. But it does help me to know that I am not the only one. You are right about that self pity feeling. I wanted her life to go the way we planned and she pulled the plug on it. I am looking for a therapist to help me to cope. Being too much into these thoughts isn't healthy for me.
Good for you...you're going great! Inch by inch...
Hi jnel,
When I read your story about your daughter, I thought of my own. Mine did not get into all the trouble that your daughter did, but she left home at the beginning of her senior year of HS, which brought forth in me every possible emotion. Grief, disbelief, anger, betrayal, worry, and even some relief (life was very tense at that time with her making bad decisions by being involved with an abusive, deadbeat older BF) were my constant companions for that entire year and even beyond. During that year I tried, with mixed results, to keep a relationship going with her, mostly to get her through HS, but also with the hope that she would end the relationship with the abuser or at least go into counseling. She DID graduate, but probably is still with the BF (don't ask, don't tell is our policy, and while ignorance is not necessarily "bliss", at least I can't worry about what I don't know:). And she has not been to counseling. She was pretty rude at times, and I learned, with help from these wise women here, how to deal with that. Surprisingly she has been kinder as I've set my boundaries, but it has definitely taken a while, as she left the house over 3 years ago! And has never moved back home. I don't think we would let her, either, partially because of the hard-earned peace I've finally arrived at and my unwillingness to go back to the abyss, which I'm sure is where I'd be if she moved back in with us. I believe I would even tell her that if she asked! My mental health has become more and more valuable to me as time goes by, and I am not going to sacrifice it again.
This was a long-winded response to basically tell you that this all takes time. There is a grieving period that there is no way around. Give yourself permission to do that, but also take good care of your health, eat and sleep, and intentionally schedule in some things that will make you laugh and feel good every day. As for your daughter, she is over 18, technically an adult, no matter how immature. Leaving home is the first step in trying to become an adult. She may trip and fall; that is all part of the journey. It's not pretty. Your job is just to be there when she needs you for emotional support if she is treating you with kindness. You do not owe her any financial gifts. I would tell her that if she gets uppity about what you owe her. Good for you for not caving in on the car! Cars are for responsible adults who earn them. We made our daughter pay for her car (it was used) as well as insurance and gas. She has learned some very painful financial lessons on her own and living with a deadbeat BF that she never would have learned any other way.
Letting go doesn't mean we stop caring. For me, it means acknowledging that I don't have control over her life or her choices. All I have control of are my own thoughts and behaviors. I can't stop her from messing up, at least as I see it. I worried for the longest time that she would get pregnant by this BF, but there is nothing I can do, so I just choose to not think about that. It may happen, but I will cross that bridge if it happens. I also try (not always successfully) to shut up when she tells me something she did or plans to do that I disagree with.
What helped me get through the tumultuous times were being busy, having a supportive husband and family members, seeing a therapist, having a few key people who were there for me at crucial times, and this marvelous group here at WWU. I also journaled and wrote down some key lessons that I picked up here on this forum. Reading some of these stories was life-affirming and made me feel like part of a community.
You can get through this!
(((Hugs)))
As I thought more about your posts, I wondered if Al Anon was something you had considered. Just a thought. I have a friend who has been going for many years; her son struggled with substance abuse as a teen/young adult. She has taught me a lot and directed me to great resources, like "The Courage to Change," a series of daily reflections written in Al Anon style. Loving detachment, a philosophy I have struggled to understand and put into practice, is one tool I have gained through my interactions with her and the readings she has guided me to.
Thanks Bamboo2,
When I first found this site I did read your posts about your daughter. I guess that is what made me sign up. Yes my daughter has substance and alcohol issues. She is defiant and has lied and done so many things over the years to cause us much pain.
I recently learned that she is hanging out with and traveling with a guy who walks around with stacks of money. I am not sure what he does to make his money but I suspect drug trafficking as January 13th.
My exH her dad just recently found out about her behavior and her taking off. He had a bunch of instagram photos that were sent to him by people who are concerned about what she is doing. He was upset with me for not talking to him about it, but honestly he does not make it a point to connect with her and never has. He did take that opportunity to say he would stop my child support.
I sent my daughter the pics and told her if she doesn't change her life then leave me out of it. I know this sounds harsh but I have been put through it and back. I can't see how playing nice will ease any of my feelings about her behavior.
If it was the case of just her being with someone then it may be different . In relationship a as you grow older you grow apart especially when you are young. My daughter may outgrow this relationship but it is not without putting herself in danger and doing things that have damaged our relationship.
I want the believe that my daughter will get it one day and my life will be calm again but I don't. I am going to see a therapist soon to help me cope.
I hope to continue to get some guidance here or well wishes. You are right, I am going through something. I will try and take my life back. Do something everyday for me. My daughter leaving brought me the same mixed emotions including relief. So I understand not wanting to go back to that.
I don't want to talk to her right now. I don't know if that is wrong. I just don't. I feel so ashamed, embarrassed and disappointed that I can't have a normal conversation.
I just need this year to be better. My son leaves for the Army in 6 weeks and I am trying to enjoy him. I am truly proud of him. I wish I could say the same for my daughter.
We are with you. Here's hoping that brings some comfort. I found it very hard to get when I was hit with abuse, that it was about my son, not me. He was not my 'report card' regarding my value as apparent or a person. Our kids are a composite of many things...genetics, role models at school and when they grow older, groups of all kinds, society at large, you name it. A mother is one of those things. I had to learn that it was about how my son sorted all of those things...his choices were his as were the consequences.
You speak of shame, embarrassment and disappointment. That is about you. That is where healing can take place and you can move past your expectations and on to your own fulfillment. Hugs...
J,
You are going through a tough time, and my heart goes out to you. It is hard to deal with an onslaught of high stress as you have been dealing with and it becomes overwhelming. Hopefully, as you detach from your daughter for the time being, your mind and emotions will calm down a bit. Be kind and gentle with yourself, you have gone through a lot.
I just want to mention that if you suspect a personality disorder in your daughter, it may be difficult to find an appropriate therapist who understands the day-to-day issues. I found that to be so. I was dealing with probable borderline/narcissistic personality disorder (called Cluster B personality disorders) in a family member and found a lot of useful information online. It gave me insight and tools to manage the situation, as well as questions to ask in screening a therapist who really understands personality disorders.
Here's giving you a virtual hug-- (((HUG)))
I think people who are now being diagnosed with personality disorders, were in the past just labeled as abusive, bullies, and toxic--i.e., people that you generally want to stay away from. Adding alcohol/substance abuse to this situation makes it even more crazy-making.
Sorry to keep adding like this, but I think I was mincing words instead of being direct. What I have read, and found true for myself, is that you don't really get clarity until you remove/disengage yourself from the toxic person, which usually means no contact (or very minimal contact, if absolutely necessary). It takes time, but slowly you get a better perspective and a healthier mindset. Your emotional and physical health are important!
Thanks all for the kind words and virtual hugs. My best friend is a therapist and told me that she could have a personality disorder as well. She lives all the way in FL we are in NY so she only knows what I tell her.
I want to get my life back. My H has been home due to knee surgery and he goes back Thursday. He works nights. He is a police officer. I thought my D would have the common sense to do real gut especially knowing this. But t she simply doesn't care.
I will take some deep needed breathes tonight. This might be a good start.
I am starting to get some negative feedback from friends who don't agree that I should take some time and keep away from my daughter. They say love on her as much as I can. But I believe this is where she got me and took advantage. What do you think given the situation?
I think there are different ways to show love. I don't think we ever stop loving our kids, even if we don't like them very much (like their behavior, I mean). They don't seem to live by the values we raised them to uphold. There is nothing we can do about that. I think that your top job now is taking care of yourself, as you said earlier. Nurture your own mental health. You are not abandoning your daughter, just giving her the space she needs to make her own life choices. You cannot be a doormat. Love her from a distance right now. Remember that there are as many ways to deal with our AC as there are people with opinions, but I would stop worrying about how others feel about your decisions regarding your daughter. They don't understand the situation. You do. I say trust your gut on this.
One of the things that was the hardest for me to get and put into practice was that my son didn't 'get me into' the place I found myself in. Using your words. My reactions, my solutions, my take on all of it got me there. It took what seemed like forever before I got it but after I did...I had my power back which was basically my self respect. The truth was if I got myself there...I had to power to get myself past it.
For me, it was a shock to see that in the name of love I was underwriting abuse...mine. Not only did my son have to make his own choices and face the consequences, so did I. Eventually, in my heart I gave him his adulthood. I had done my best to bring him to that point and my best was all I had. Now it was his job to take it from there and his privilege. What an eye opener and how much harder it was to do it than to say it. How much harder I found it to let go of my very garden variety expectations and the opinions of others and turn to rebuilding my own life. The hardest was to let go of being right...I wanted to prove that I was to everyone I knew, including my son.
But...oh, the peace and joy on the other side. Oh, my...
Since you feel so torn emotionally, is it possible to allow yourself a time out from your daughter so you can re-group emotionally, at least until you have had a chance to work with the therapist you plan to see? In the meantime, focus on things you enjoy, like time spent with your son and husband. Exercise is great for clearing your head and improving mood; it uses up nervous energy and stimulates endorphins.
To keep on the right track, I regularly spend time reading on this website where I find support from ladies who understand. I had to cut contact with my DS/DIL/GC because the relationship was damaging to me and I could do nothing to change them or the situation. I love them from afar and pray for them. None of my friends understands because they have not faced the same problems--which is okay because I can focus on other aspects of my life with them.
Thanks Bamboo, Luise and Marina,
I know I have allowed the love I have for my daughter to make things worse I believe. Tough love my H and exH have pushed for me to enforce.
Today I got a call from Walmart. Turns out the CEC program was looking for my daughter as they had her sign up after she was caught Shoplifting today wherever she is. I was really upset. I also don't know why she gave them her old number as opposed to her new number. So I did what I said I wouldn't do. I sent her the message I recused and a co corned text. I even called and left a voice message. No reply.
I have an appointment on Monday with our family therapist. I hope he can help us handle this all better. My girlfriend seems to think that finding out these bits and pieces are a blessing. It lets me know what's going on, however it makes me more anxious and worried.
Luise I know you spoke of letting go, but I find it really hard to do right now. My D has nothing and she is traveling with low life's and now this. Every month she seems to top the month prior with her behavior.
I am going to try and take that deep breath again.
None of us let go quickly. All I can add is that your daughter is out on a limb and alone and with low life as a result of poor choices. What's happening are the consequences that are part of her learning...or not. Some put off learning. That brings more lessons, if no one enables them. It's really hard. I remember...
I want to second what Luise has said. Our daughters have made choices of their own free will. They've hit forks in the road and continued taking the low road, or the road that has led them to where they are now. We have done our best to point (guide, push, bargain, beg...) them in a different direction, but it hasn't helped. So now when we say or do something that we think is "helpful", it usually has the opposite effect and gives them another reason to lie, blame, ignore or resent us, and might make them dig in even deeper. By letting go, we give them no reason to lie, blame or resent us further. The responsibility for what their life has become falls squarely on them and their own choices.
I, too, have had well-meaning people tell me I should want to know details about my daughter's life regarding the lowlife boyfriend. How do they know what I want? One day this past summer, when a well-intentioned friend of the family asked DD about her BF in front of me, I told them both that I don't want to know about their relationship and that the two of them could have that conversation somewhere else. Later that day, when DD was pouting because of what I'd said, I told her that my peace of mind was important and I was not going to sacrifice my mental health anymore by hearing about the BF. Mean? Maybe, but that is my line in the sand, and DD knows not to cross it.
Although I used to be obsessive about wanting to know every detail of her life and wanted to help her through the pain of the abusive treatment, I lost sleep and spent hours on the phone with her, only to have her tell me the next day that everything was fine and it was all just a big "misunderstanding", or she had simply "overreacted". I'd be rich if I had a nickel for every time I heard one of those words out of her mouth or HIS mouth. I rode that roller coaster for far too long! There is SUCH freedom in not knowing.
Thanks Bamboo2,
What you said makes sense. My D is back and called me last night. She had gotten the message that the wanted to speak to her. So she will call me later today when her phone is fixed. Originally I wanted to have the conversation you mentioned where I know all that she will do is back away.
I guess he can only tell her that I hope she considers what she is doing going forward and not to route her issues in my direction. I can mention what I saw but how I feel about it is my own issue.
I am not sure what else to say but I do want her to remember that she has a family who loves her.
Do you think this is ok?
We are all unique and when it comes to deciding what was OK for us may or may not be OK for you. We share and we care but we don't 'know'. Does that make sense? Ask your heart...your heart is healing and your heart knows. Sending hugs...
Louise,
I didn't get a call just yet today. So not sure if it's cause her phone is really toast or that she saw my text and heard my voice message me was deterred. Maybe later tonight when she knows I will be home.
My girlfriend whose D is 18 said something similar, except she said she gets a lot of advice but at the end of the day I don't listen. I do what I feel.
I feel kinda numb.
We're with you. We all know what that feel like. Hugs...
I hope your appointment with the therapist is helpful. Hang in there!
Hi All,
I spoke to my best friend who is also a Therapist. She told me to keep my conversation positive even though I still didn't get a call. She says to tell her thanks for calling...let her know that I love her, that we all do and that now that she has made the choice to be out on her own and make certain choices that all I wanted to do was forward some information that i received and that she needs to be responsible for handling this. She also said I should let her know that going forward she should provide her actual cell phone and address that she is residing. Ultimately she is responsible for herself.
All good advice I think. She also told me that if her first words are what are you doing, always say something positive and fun, like planning my next vacation, getting ready to try a new restaurant, etc. This way she senses that I am not concerned with her or her nonsense.
I hope I can do all of this without breaking down and doing all of the things I shouldn't.
I'm glad you feel you got some good direction. You can always write your statements down in preparation to talking with your daughter, so you can keep on track. Also, you don't need to explain your decisions, which could just give her points to argue with you. You can always be a broken record if you are challenged, which means you repeat the same statement over again (and over again and over again, if necessary). That lets you take a stand without being manipulated to say more than you want. No need to feel defensive in your decisions and boundaries. I hope it goes well for you. It seems you are trying to handle this situation in a different way, instead of repeating what you were doing in the past without getting good results--good for you!
And just remember that old habits die hard, so if you find yourself straying from your new approach, give yourself a break and keep trying ;). My daughter used to tell me, during that first year after she moved out, that I always looked like I was either mad or crying. While that was an exaggeration, it was her perception. The truth is, when I really started doing things I enjoyed and let go of some of the worry about her, it was easier to handle my conversations with her. My daughter also felt better when I seemed relaxed and happy with my own life.
I finally got a text yesterday. I did an audio FaceTime and told her what he said was would. I could tell she was somewhere where she didn't have any privacy and a guy who was speaking to to her was nasty. She wanted me to say hell to her friend but I said nothing. She said I wasn't being very nice. I told her you have been out of my house over a month and you don't know your friends or where you are staying. So I really don't feel like being nice.
She mentioned wanting to see me and asked her friend if she could use her car. I told her so you have to ask permission for things there too huh? Doesn't sound so different from when you were home. She said yeah I guess it's not. She never came by and whoever's ipad she used to speak to me when am guessing they took it back.
My son mentioned last night that she texted him 2 days ago asking him if he thought I would allow her back home. He told her maybe yes, but she wouldn't have the freedom to do whatever she wants and I won't hand her the car. She didn't respond to him. But at least I know something is making her feel this way. Hopefully it's not convenience.
I guess I wouldn't be surprised if it is convenience that would make her consider whether she could move back home. I think that would be true for most young adults, no matter their circumstances. Once they have had a taste of freedom, it is hard to go back to something more restrictive. I don't think it means our kids don't care about us, it's just that they want their independence. Once the original thrill of living away from home wore off, and she started having to pay bills, my daughter began to realize all the things we paid for and did for her while she had lived at home. When her BF wasn't willing to pay his share of bills, she started talking about wanting to move back home. It wasn't because she missed us. But the fact is, she would not be any happier in our house than we would be having her back. And this way, she is learning how to function as an adult. (working two jobs, paying all her own bills) She would not do that if she moved back home, and instead would probably have a license to spend freely, make noise and messes, be out as much as possible, and where is the adult responsibility in that? We surely don't want to nag, threaten, cajole, set limits, worry, know about all the questionable decisions in her life... been there, done that. So have you. I'd suggest letting her figure all these things out without making any comments or comparisons between your home and her life away from home. It's hard...heaven knows I made more than my share of comments, which just ended up making her defensive and irritated at me, instead of at herself for her own choices. It was (and still is, sometimes) hard for me to get it through my head that nothing I said or did would change my daughter's path ~ she would have to come to that realization and make those changes of her own volition. I think that she is on that journey now, but it is definitely a winding, circuitous path.
Thanks Bamboo2. We went to see the therapist last night. He was sorry to hear about our D and her choices. He did tell us that she made a choice and that we had to accept that we no longer had control. He did say that it's still very fresh and because of her personality and and immaturity there is still a chance she may want to come home.
He said if she asks that we should accept her back. I told him that my issues are what was mentioned here. Living at home, relying on us yet still wanting to go out there and do all of the things that made her leave. My home will not be a place to rest her head. I would want for her to have a plan. Show us that she can be responsible and trusted. Right now we don't know what the truth is. Or even how she really feels about anything. She has been gone over a month now and she has spoken to me a few times.
He mentioned that we should focus on our M which I believe has taken a hit behind this. So we will continue to see him. I have to admit I do have some anger towards my H over this as over the years when we have had difficulties with my D his first response was always screaming and yelling and telling her to get out of our house. Last year when there were issues she would just leave and didn't wait for my H to get that angry. When she would go he would look for her and say he wants her home but then would make threats later about her getting out again whenever he would be upset.
Last night he mentioned wanting her to be home but when he started talking about the conditions and his attitude I could foresee that not even working out. He made some kind of analogy referencing a very tight leash. It made me upset because at this point that is not the answer.
She hasn't asked to come home anyway for now, but we have to work on us and how we handle things. This is what I feel is important.
It sounds like you have a good plan to put your marriage first. After having talked with a lot of my friends with AC who have boomeranged back home, most of those parents are pulling their (own) hair out! It's especially hard when parents aren't both on the same page. So I commend you for working on your relationship with DH at this time. The rest is out of your hands for now. I wish you well with the counseling.
Hello WW,
It's been a rollercoaster over the past several days. On Wednesday my son spoke my D and came home later to tell me that she wasn't happy in her situation and wanted to come home. I asked my son is this something she wants or is this something you told her would be best for her. Because of course we think that but her actions prove otherwise. He said she would call me the next day. She gave him the impression that the living situation was a struggle. So the next day my son and H were prepared to go over and pick her and her things up and then we would talk about the conditions of her being here once again.
Long story short, it never happened. My H and son went over but it wasn't without some kind of drama on her end. Turns out the landlord where she was staying had no idea the renter had additional people in her apt so I am sure she got in trouble for that. My H also wanted to speak to her prior to see if her wanting to come home was genuine. Turns out she only wanted a better place to rest her head. He told her that if she didn't want to come home she didn't need to. She said she wasn't ready. That she was good where she was. I at this point was frustrated because I was at work in meetings and did not have any say as to what was going on as it was happening.
When I got home I spoke to my Son and H. My son explained that my D feels that with these people she may have some great opportunities when it comes to make up. Supposedly when she went to GA with these people she met some famous rappers and his assistant who asked her to help with make up and told her she could help her get some more gigs in the future. These guys she is living with are up and coming rappers, however the one she is taking to seems to have money funneled to him everyday. Although this is the case my D is seriously behind on all of her bills. I doubt that taking the fast track to being successful will help her, or trying to do so on his coat tails. Younger people seem to always want to skip the trainings, and degrees these days.
So my son took her back. I went later that evening when I got home from work with my son to return her things after the landlord had left the property. My D didn't look unhappy. I told her how disappointed I was that she wasn't willing to come home. She said she would but that she'd still wind up there. I told her coming home meant wanting to go to school, work and make something of yourself. This was what I was willing to help with. But at the same time I couldn't deal with the stress of her disappearing or not following through with the things we expect of her. So this may be for the best.
She mentioned how the apt she was staying at was broken into while they were away and how whoever broke in made holes in the walls and killed her guinea pig. She also mentioned that her friend that had some of her bins with her belongings threw out her things on the lawn and in the dumpster after a falling out. I told her that she needs to realize that even the people who she considers friends will do things to hurt you so you need to be careful and not so trusting. I don't like what is going on. But I cant control it and don't want this in my home. She really needs to figure things out and for now I will be an ear and I told her I would be her friend. She was surprised as she said, you always said you weren't my friend. I told her while you are living with me and I am responsible that is different. This is a different dynamic and our relationship will not be the same. Our relationship will depend on our communication and whatever you decide to talk to me about. I will be here to listen.
I met her roommate before I left. She too looks like she has issues. She mentioned how out of the group that is there my D is the only one who has a mom. She said my D would be ok and safe, she promised me that. I told her that as her Mom I needed to know that for myself. But I don't know or trust that girl, and she doesn't know how much my D threw away to be in the terrible situation with her. From my understanding they have to be out of that apt by the end of the month. The girl mentioned getting a home in another town. I am not sure how my D feels about that if she starts a new job here. So who knows where the wind will take them or what she bases her future decisions on. This is a new experience for all of them and I don't believe it will last long or work out the way they think i will. I just want her to be safe.
My own experience is as long as I was knee deep in my son's life, I didn't have one. There was too much drama. The job of maturing was his to handle as he choose...learning from the consequences. I may be a minority here but when I got that I had done my best and knew the rest was up to him, I healed.
It seems the reasons for the choices your D is making cannot be explained away by just her immaturity. It sounds like she is just continuing the actions she has done for a long time. She may enjoy the conflict and the chaos. (I've witnessed my family members thrive on conflict--they use it for manipulation and control.) If D is oppositional, as you mentioned, then she is likely to do the opposite of what you would like. She knows you well and knows how to push your buttons. D may also be enjoying all the attention she is receiving from you, your son, and your husband. And if you change your actions toward D, she may change her tactics to get your attention again.
It might do you a lot of good to step back for at least a while so that you gain some perspective. At this point, you may not be able to see the forest for the trees. Do some reading regarding manipulating people, personality disorders, drug addiction, etc. Consider what Luise and Bamboo2 have also said.
I think after reading M.'s last post that we have all given you a lot to think about. Our input feels pretty complete. For that reason, I'm suggesting you move past reporting the continuing drama to us and on into integrating. There is a lot in this thread to read over and over again and I'm closing this post to support that. Sending hugs and wishing you the best.