Thank you for all the advice from all the wonderful ladies on this site.
I have never posted before, just a long time lurker but I have learned so much from you all!! I am a DIL with a wonderful DH, 1 DS and 1 DD. Adjusting to my inlaws has been difficult for me at times and being able to come here and see the wise wisdom of the ladies here as helped me to understand my MIL and her point of view. My DH's family and mine are so different that it is a struggle for me sometimes to understand she means well. We actually see my DH's family more than mine, I know it is not as much as they would like but I believe in spending time with just my immediate family (DH, DS, and DD) so we see them every 2 to 3 weeks for a couple hours. Does that not seem like enough? They also get alone time (which I never understood but allow) with them during the weekend day time only except for DS. He is 10 so old enough but DD is 2 and does not like to be away from me. That is difficult for her to understand when I would say no and she kept asking. I finally followed some advise I read on her and laid it on the table (respectfully of course) that DD is just to young right now, I do not feel comfortable and neither does she. Whenever I pick her up she rushes me and will not let go for hours, she will not even go to DH. To be it seems normal for a 2 year old to be clingy to their parents but not to my MIL. :( However talking to her seemed to work, she understood and stopped asking.
Again I really just wanted to post and say thank you.
Allthatmatters, welcome to the site! I hope you will continue to read and post. You have wisdom to share as well. It's so helpful to get a current, young, DIL's point of view. We tend to be "older" DILs, lol. I hope your MIL appreciates the effort you've made. I'd be overwhelmed if my DS & DIL saw me every 2-3 weeks! I'm lucky to see them once every 2-3 months, if that.
If you haven't already done so, please take a moment to read the pink-highlighted items under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all newbies to make sure the site is a good fit and everyone has a grasp of our policies, history, vision, etc. Thanks!
Thanks Pen I hope I can help someone someday like you ladies have. I do have to admit you are one of my favorites your advise is always so helpful.
I did read what you mentioned.
Welcome, A. It is so rewarding to know that we are there sometimes for old friends we have yet to meet. What a journey you are on! And good for you for tiptoeing thought the mine field! Sending hugs...
Thanks Luise, I am trying my best to tiptoe will ensuring we are respected as well. I have read such horror stories on here about DILs not allowing the inlaws to see the grand kids. It seems to me if both sides can be respectful and not cross boundaries both sides can be happy. While what people expect most likely will not happen, ie being around the grand kids all the time, and adjust accordingly then everyone can be happy.
My take is that you are right on target. The sticky-wicket is that many of us don't know how to set and maintain boundaries, don't you think? Much less communicate when in conflict. They are skills we aren't taught, we're wired to expectations. At least my generation. (I'm a dinosaur, born in the 1920s! ;D )
Haha Luise I don't see you as a dinosaur rather someone wise with wisdom. I totally agree with you people cannot seem to discuss the boundaries instead they just punish people when they are crossed which is so unfair. I established boundaries with my family back when I was 20 (I'm 34 now) and once they realized there was consequences if crossed we found a happy medium. It was a bit harder for me to lay them out for the inlaws but we got thru it and for the most part everyone is happy.
That is so awesome. My generation can't even spell bounderyes! :D
Boundaries are important... however, more important is communication. SO many of us have not been told we were crossing boundaries until so much resentment had built up the entire relationship was unsalvageable. You hit the nail on the head. Each FOO is very different. What is a boundary not to be crossed in one family, may be of no importance in another. Keeping communication open rather than harboring resentment is so important. It would have certainly helped in my case with my DIL. It's not good to store up things to be released in one enormous explosion. Figuring out how to have open dialog without anyone being insulted or hurt is difficult for sure.. but it can be done. You have shown that ATM..
Thanks Lily, how right you are about communication if a DIL just communicated with her laws so many issues would be nipped in the bud. Now with me I realized after reading many posts in here that I was not being as fair with my inlaws as I was with my family so now all boundaries are the same across the board. True I am going to prefer time with my own family but how is that fair to DHs family? It's not and I finally saw that. I was doing what a lot of DILs were doing pushing my MIl away if she crossed boundaries that she didn't know were there causing anger and hurt feelings cutting her out of updates and being around the kids. She wasn't trying to be their mom she just wanted to see them. They both love spending time with her and they love her as she does them. Shame on the DILs who put their own selfishness before their children's happiness. Now granted there are overbearing MILs out there that need to realize that their are not in charge anymore and the grandchildren are not a right but I'm sure as seen on here most are not that bad and just want to be a part the their grand kids life's.
Welcome and thank you for sharing your experience. I would give my eye teeth to have a DIL like you. Every 2-3 weeks for a couple of hours? I find that more than reasonable and I think you're awesome for taking the time to include them. I'm glad you were able to communicate with your MIL. That speaks highly of you both.
Welcome allthatmatters! You are wise already! Setting clear limits on your DD and her need to be w/mommy?! Absolutely perfect! You told MIL what and even why and in a nice way! We can be a bit pushy at times and it helps for you to be honest and direct and help us understand reality. Noone knows these kids better than the day to day parent. You are def giving more time than I'd expect! Just keep it to the frequency that fits your family first.
I have seen so many times where ppl complain and vent with others and never bring it back to the perceived offender. We offenders may not know that we have that name or anything is wrong until a big bang, leading to hut feelings and cut offs.
For me, i just want to know what the rules are so I can follow and not get into grudges....I respect my DIL and DS's decisions even when i may not agree. I trust that they love their kids and are finding their own best way to raise them and my way is mine alone. Who really cares about that when the focus is providing the very best for our young and small friends and family.
It may take a village to raise a child but the parents are the CEOs and we must follow their direction and not ours in the raising of THEIR children;)
Please jump in and give your impression on any thread as it will help us to know a DIL's point of view because some of our DILs may not feel comfy nor have time and energy to be direct.....
Thanks footloose and pooh I plan on posting more as well as asking for advise. Believe me when I say I have followed a lot of the advise on here even though it was not directed at me. To get the MILs perspective has done wonders for me :)
Quote from: allthatmatters on April 07, 2014, 03:26:01 PM
Thanks footloose and pooh I plan on posting more as well as asking for advise. Believe me when I say I have followed a lot of the advise on here even though it was not directed at me. To get the MILs perspective has done wonders for me :)
Thank YOU.. I will be the first to admit that I am biased when many DILs post. It's due to my own personal experience and I am aware of that and try not to respond negatively. Yes.. we are all different. MILs are from a different generations as well as a different family structure. We are just mothers of sons who have grown up. We feel no differently about our sons as DILs feel about theirs. We want what WE think is best for them, and we want to help. We want to feel included in our grandchildren's lives. Perhaps we become to wrapped up in that mindset to notice if we are crossing boundaries. Most of us never even heard the word boundaries as it pertains to our sons, DILs and GKs. Then again.. some DILs seem to make it a game of "let's give the old bat enough rope so she can hang herself".. How fair is that? The vast majority of us don't even know we are being graded.. and even if we did, we are not told the rules. One cannot be expected to follow them if we are not even told what they are until we have racked up so many infractions it's too late. You offer a refreshing insight. I will echo the sentiment as others have.... Please keep posting.
Dear allthatmatters,
Wow what I wouldn't give for a dil like you. Yes grandparents, like me, are important in a child's life but its a parent/family life now. They passed the torch so to speak. I would die for the time you describe. And yes two year olds are clinging, it's the nature of the beast. Lol
One thing only, although I completely understand that its a family, to me family isn't one generation only and discarding the rest. I completely understand you wanting your family time, but to me, and I know subsequent posts disagree, maybe his mother doesn't want to be in control, maybe she does want her own life now, but also wants a family.
I sadly don't have a dil like you that gives me anytime at all, but I have to be honest and say it really does sound like you begrudge her being in your life.
Ditty, I am so very sorry for what your son and daughter in law are putting you, unless someone is toxic they should never be cut off.
While I can see your point of view and respect it I will have to disagree to a point. I would like to give her more time but it is time I do not have. I am gone along with my DH 12 hours a day Mon thru Fri so immediate family time is precious. My 10 ur old DS gets alots of weekends with her and spends a entire month camping with her and his cousins, but my 2 ur old DD? Why would I want to seperate her from me causing her emotional stress? That time will come, she can still bond with her while we are present. For some life revolves around all their family but for most younger couples now a days that is not the way. We have friends that are like family that I want to spend time with, we have a huge house to take care of and we love 45 mins away.
Adjusting ones expecting of how they think things will be makes life a lot easier for both sides. Just because someone was raised that family is number one doesn't mean once they are grown they will agree with it and follow it. Again everyone is different and this is just how we choose to do things. Thank you for your opinion and I hope your son realizes soon what a wonderful mother he has.
Dear allthatmatters,
Yes if true your poor 2 yo should be considered. Being seperated from from mommy at that age is hugely traumatic. Of course I certainly don't know your mil, but that part did stand out as odd. This post tells me more.
I'm sorry that you and your dh spend 12hours away from your children. I'm sure you're financially giving them a better life, believe me I understand, but maybe, just maybe, you're taking it out on your mil.
You said that friends are more important to you than family. While I agree that you chose your friends and not your family, you choose them because you want them to be your family.
So allthatmatters, to me, you really do seem like a lovely person. And someone that I would want to just hold, maybe, just maybe, you aren't all that and you could be wrong.
We always take what we want here and leave the rest. No one is right or wrong. When I was struggling with the aftershock of my elder son's death at 52, no one seemed to get it but everyone cared. My expectation was that my son and I would have more time to work things through. I had no place to put the fact that he had a great day and died in his sleep that night of a sleep apnea induced stroke.
We all handle things differently and learn different lessons. The great peace starting WWU has brought me is that I am not alone.
Sending hugs...
Ditty, I re-read what I wrote and I never said my friend were more important what I said was I have friends that are like family to me like like my best friend whom I have known my entire life and I would like time with her too. Family is very important but I am suppose to focus everything on my MILs needs or wants all the time? No sorry not even my DH will do that our immediate family's needs come first.
It can be very hard being gone those many hours but we do it for the children's futures. The school where we live is terrible so we transport my son to a school that requires a longer communite but is worth it for the education plus we can spend that time in the car together talking.
Now the part about I am all that?! Where did that come from? I admitted in my first post I came here to learn a MILs point of view and learned that I was in fact wrong where I saw controlling was in fact being wanting to be a part of our lives and I changed my point of view and adjusted.
Wow, I was not nasty to you, having a discussion based on what you said. Sorry but I'm not a bobble head, you say something I'm going to reply. Back and forth. Discussions.
I was nice to you and understood, only asked maybe you could see.
I don't believe I was nasty to you and I never said you were nasty to me. If my reply came across as nasty my apologizes that was not my intention. I was merely giving my feedback back on what you said and explaining myself.
I cleaned up the 'Oops!' Does it say above your published post, 'Modify? If not I will ask my YS/Webmaster if he can fix that.
I think we just have to be careful with our posts, that's all. Beyond that...each one of us own our interpretations. Many of us are pretty raw...if life was a 'bed of roses', we wouldn't be here.