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General Category => Grab Bag => Topic started by: Pooh on June 17, 2010, 08:16:41 AM

Title: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Pooh on June 17, 2010, 08:16:41 AM
There wasn't really a category to put this in because she is just 16 (not an adult daughter).  I just wanted to share this as it amazes me how sometimes men grasp things quicker than we do.

I have a stepdaughter who is 16.  My hubby has been having a really rough time out of her the last 6 or so months.  She lives with her Mom, and we have her every other weekend.  Although she is acting somewhat like a normal teenager, she has been extremely disrespectful to him for the last 6 months to a year.  She smarts off, will not tell you anything going on until the last minute and then go, oh, I need to be at so-and-so in thirty minutes.  She started wearing all black (Yes, we started researching EMO culture, Goth, etc.) to try to keep in tune with what might be going on.  She started out listening to music from bands that were linked to the EMO culture, but shows no other signs of that personality.  Now, she has been hanging out with some Korean girls at school (she is in the marching band and they are too) and all she does is watch videos and listen to music of Korean bands now.

Ok, that's a little background.  My hubby has tried to remain on top of things with her.  He refuses to buy her anything black, any of that music, disciplines her when she smarts off, refused to take her to events unless she started giving us some notice, etc.  I have been very proud of him even though I see the hurt it causes him because she will refuse to answer his texts, or calls when she is mad at him because he put his foot down.  The Mother offers no support at all and lets her do as she pleases.  So its very hard on him to undo in a weekend what her Mother lets her get away with in two weeks.

Anyway, I wanted to share what he did this weekend.  I went out of town to take my son to his military base, so he called her Friday night thinking he would invite her to a movie and dinner, just the two of them.  When she answered the phone, she answered it with this.  "IS THIS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY?"  She screamed it not even knowing why he was calling.  He could have been having a heart attack for all she knew.  So what does he do?  Hangs up the phone on her!  Doesn't say a word, just hangs up.  She tried to call him back 3 times within a couple of hours and he kept hitting ignore.  Then she has tried a few more times throughout the last week and he just keeps hitting ignore.  His words were, "I refuse to let her treat me disrespectfully any longer.  I hate not talking to her, but it is better than ending up in a yelling match every time because of her smart aleck mouth.  When she learns to be respectful, I will talk to her again."

Ok, now I know he is hurting, but how quickly he grasped the concept of "I don't deserve this."  I sure can learn alot from him!
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: cremebrulee on June 17, 2010, 09:13:58 AM
sheeesh, what a good man you have, smart to.....God bless him, you should be very proud of him...

tough love is hard....and words cannot express how amazing he is....he's not doing what's easy for him to do....not by any means....so, I certainly hope his daughter comes to her senses and realizes what a good dad she has...

and good luck to your son...it's always nice to read you...
thank you for sharing....

Creme
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Pooh on June 17, 2010, 10:07:04 AM
Thank you Creme.  I always enjoy reading your posts as well.  I have found a good man.  After having a not-so-good one for 21 years, it was wonderful to find such a caring person.  He had to break down alot of walls with me, one brick at a time, to get me to trust again.  But he was patient, kind, considerate and has a great sense of humor.  I know how lucky I am to have found a really good person and I am grateful for him every day.  I will tell you something that is totally girly about how good he is.  In the 2 1/2 years we have been together, there has not been one day...not one...that he hasn't told me how beautiful he thinks I am and how blessed he feels to have me in his life.  Yep...he's a keeper.  And since the day we got married, he has only missed 1 morning (he was sick) that he has not brought me coffee in the morning.  Don't know what I did to deserve him, but he is incredible.

And yes, he is a great father.   She is his only child and he loves her with all his heart.  He has been getting up every day, since he divorced five years ago, and drives 40 minutes to take her to school.  He doesn't have to, he wants to. He told me he hated only seeing her every other weekend, so this was his way of getting to see her all the time.  Even if it was only for a 10 minute drive to school.  That was one of the things that made me fall in love with him.  So this is very hard on him.  She got her own car two weeks ago so now he knows the school driving thing is over.

But I am still amazed that he caught on so quickly to not allow her to treat him terribly, no matter how much he loves her. 
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: cremebrulee on June 17, 2010, 10:37:46 AM
Quote from: Pooh on June 17, 2010, 10:07:04 AM
Thank you Creme.  I always enjoy reading your posts as well.  I have found a good man.  After having a not-so-good one for 21 years, it was wonderful to find such a caring person.  He had to break down alot of walls with me, one brick at a time, to get me to trust again.  But he was patient, kind, considerate and has a great sense of humor.  I know how lucky I am to have found a really good person and I am grateful for him every day.  I will tell you something that is totally girly about how good he is.  In the 2 1/2 years we have been together, there has not been one day...not one...that he hasn't told me how beautiful he thinks I am and how blessed he feels to have me in his life.  Yep...he's a keeper.  And since the day we got married, he has only missed 1 morning (he was sick) that he has not brought me coffee in the morning.  Don't know what I did to deserve him, but he is incredible.

And yes, he is a great father.   She is his only child and he loves her with all his heart.  He has been getting up every day, since he divorced five years ago, and drives 40 minutes to take her to school.  He doesn't have to, he wants to. He told me he hated only seeing her every other weekend, so this was his way of getting to see her all the time.  Even if it was only for a 10 minute drive to school.  That was one of the things that made me fall in love with him.  So this is very hard on him.  She got her own car two weeks ago so now he knows the school driving thing is over.

But I am still amazed that he caught on so quickly to not allow her to treat him terribly, no matter how much he loves her.

some men are really amazing....aren't they...and you've got yourself a keeper....
in that, I am happy for you and envy you both at the same time....I was never lucky at love, and fear ever hurting like that again, so I choose not to date and be alone....hehe, I remember oh, bout 10 years ago, getting ready for a date and I broke out in a complete sweat...and thought, "What am I doing, I have no desire to go"....and that was that...LOL....like everything else, there are good things and bad things about every situation....and sometimes, (not much) when I am lonely, I think about it, and snap right out of it....LOL

So, in that, Girl, be very happy you have him...and please know, I'm wishing you the best with not only  your step daughter, but in life as well.....

Creme
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Pooh on June 17, 2010, 11:02:41 AM
Lol.  Thanks Creme and I can sympathize.  I never get sick.....and I had talked to my hubby for five months on the phone before I would even meet him.  The night I was finally going to go out on a date with him, I was so scared and nervous, I was in the bathroom sick as a dog for an hour before he got there with my two sons sitting outside the bathroom door going, "Mom, maybe you should reconsider going..." and then bursting out laughing as they tried to be supportive.....yeah right!  I figured that I really shouldn't be going because obviously, I wasn't ready.  But I felt bad because he was driving an hour to get me so I toughed it out thinking it would be the only date.  Boy am I glad I was wrong.

Now I have 2 girlfriends who are the same as you.  They love their single and alone life and wouldn't trade it for anything.  One of them said on that rare occasion she feels the slightest bit lonely, she walks in the bathroom, lifts up the toilet seat, stares at it for about 10 seconds then....POOF....snaps right out of it!
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Pooh on June 29, 2010, 07:12:48 AM
Had to give you an update on the irresponsible, smart aleck, teenage step-daughter.  I have been staying out of it because my hubby handles her very well.  I support him, but I just sit back and let him deal with her.  Well, things have changed a bit.  After the whole thing I posted earlier, she didn't call or text him on Father's Day!  I was so angry watching him hurt that evening.  He was trying not to let it show that it bothered him, but he was so hurt.  It was one of those things he knew she probably was going to do, but when it actually happened, he was so upset.

So, she calls him the next night.  When the phone rings, he smiles and thinks, "Ah, she is calling because she forgot to call me yesterday and just remembered."  He answers it, and what does she say?  No..."Hey, how's it going Dad.  What have you been doing?"   When he answers she says, "Are my tennis rackets still in your garage?" That's it.  He says, "Yes" and she says, "Put them in Pooh's car and I will come by and get them at her work tomorrow."  He says, "Fine" and she hangs up!

That was it!  I saw red then.  I looked at him and said, "Ok, now I have had it with her rudeness and orders.  She just involved me without asking, so now I am stepping in."  He just kind of smiled and nodded.  Well, I tend to have a sense of humor when dealing with difficult people so I had an idea.  She borrowed her Dad's bicycle pump about 4 months ago and he had been asking her to bring it back.  She still had not done this, so I figured this would be my angle.  I text her and said, "Hey, your Dad told me your wishes that I bring your rackets to work with me tomorrow, and even though you didn't ask me, I am going to do that for you.  But.....you need to bring his bicycle pump.  No pump....no rackets....I am officially holding them hostage."  Lol.

She sent back only one word. "Ok."  Low and behold, she never showed up the next day, no text, no call.  I just let it ride and kept the rackets in the trunk of my car.  I thought, no way, You have a key to the house and I know you.  You will come to the house while we are at work.   (After raising 2 sons I learned to try and stay a step ahead).  Finally, 3 days later, she text me and I was in a meeting at work.   So it was 30 minutes before I could answer her.  Her text read, "You still have my rackets?"  I sent back, "Yes, I still have them."  She sent back, "Well, too late now.  I asked 30 minutes ago."  I sent back, "I am at work and was in a meeting."   No answer!  Lol.

Ok, so now here we are a week later, I still have the rackets in the trunk of my car and haven't heard from her.  Found out yesterday, from her Mom, that stepdaughter has been frantically looking for the bicycle pump and can't locate it.  She's thinking she let a friend borrow it but can't remember.

We have her this weekend....going to get interesting!
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Pooh on July 04, 2010, 12:19:21 PM
Well, weekend didn't go as planned...go figure.  Daughter sends my DH a text Friday afternoon that reads, "I have made plans with friends tonight and then will be over, and I have plans with friends tomorrow too."  Yep, that was it.  TOLD him what she was doing, didn't ask if she could or if we already had plans (We did).  So DH calls his Ex and says, "Ok, 1st question.  Are you allowing our daughter to tell you what she is doing instead of asking?"  Her Mom does her normal and starts making excuses for the behavior.  My DH goes on to tell her that the daughter's behavior is unacceptable and her disrespect has become intolerable.  He told her, "I am not asking you to fix it, I just simply wanted to know what boundaries you guys are setting and let you know that I am done tolerating her disrespect and hurtful ways and am going to talk to her this weekend.  I just wanted you to be prepared for what she says to you about it, and get the truth from me on how she is treating me."

Mom proceeds to tell him that DD is just spreading her wings and is growing up and that there is nothing wrong with her behavior.  Geesh....thanks for the support.  So he gets off the phone and says to me, "Well, I should have known I would get no support from her on this."  So he texts his DD back and says, "You have an 8 o'clock curfew tonight to be at the house and we are going to sit down and talk."  She texts back, "I forgot to pack before work, so I will just stay at home this weekend.  Another time maybe."


Poor DH.  He was so hurt but of course her Mother went along with it instead of telling her that it was her weekend to come here and she was going.  All it boiled down to was DD was not getting her way with her Dad, and took the easy way out.  So DH calls Ex back and tells her what DD said and she says, "Well I guess you should have laid off."  Oh...I could choke her sometimes.  DH tells her, "You are right.  I will start laying off.  That means I am no longer a money pit to you and her.  If that is all you guys think of me, then I am done with all that.  I will pay my child support and medical part, but that's it! "  (She plays in a band that cost us about $1000 year and also chose to attend a different school than what is in her district, that he has been paying $700.00 tution so she could go.  It's a public school, not private.  He also spends probably $200 on our weekends with her buying her clothes necessities like bras, socks, panties and things her mother never gets her and paying for field trips and such her mother will not do.    He has done all of this because he wanted to do it.)  He says, "all the extras stop now until she learns to be appreciative."  They get in a huge fight and he ends up hanging up on her.  And you should know, it has nothing to do with money.  He would never deny her anything that was truly a necessity.

So we haven't seen DD all weekend.  I have never understood why people think if you make excuses for someones irresponsible and disrespecful  behavior, that you don't understand you are giving them permission to act that way.
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Nana on July 05, 2010, 01:26:17 AM
Pooh:

I loved the way your dh handled this situation with step-daughter.  It is what he has to do.  He is her father, the provider and have to put limits to her actions.  She should abide by the rules.  I am sure she will think it over and after some time of not having all that extra-money she will weigh the loss and benefits of her selfishness. 

I agree that she is in a growing stage...but that is why it is very important to make her know that she cannot have what she doesn"t deserve>   Her mother should realize that she is harming her girl backing up her disrespect and selfishness.   

I feel sorry for your husband who is hurting with her attitude.   She is not showing any love or appreciation for Dad .  He sounds a very kind, caring dad. 

Things will be better after this.  It is great that your husband has you to support him.
He is very lucky to have you---and you are very lucky to have him.

Good night and may God
Bless you
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Pooh on July 06, 2010, 11:16:39 AM
Thanks Nana.  He is a wonderful father and person.  Sad thing is, he has told her since she started driving that he understands that she is growing up and wants to spend time with her friends.  He just simply told her that if it was our weekend, to ask him to see if we had made plans first, and if we had not, he had no problem with her spending some time with them.  But he also pointed out she was to ask, not tell and that she would still have a curfew.  Since her mother isn't giving her the same rules at home, she is simply taking the easy way out and not coming over.  Who could blame her?  I blame her Mother for not making her come on over and face the music over her behavior.  She gave her a way out instead of making her take responsiblity for her actions.

But, she is old enough to know that disrespect and purposeful hurt is not acceptable.  It's very hard when both households don't agree on rules.
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Nana on July 06, 2010, 12:58:09 PM
DearPooh

I agree with you.  Your step-daughter should understand that part of life is to learn to follow rules.  Her mother doesnt teach her that.  It seems to me that step-mom is acting more like a friend with her and she does not need a friend (she has many) ---she needs a mother.   These forming years of your step-daughter will determine the adult she will become. 

Another thing we as parents should teach our children is empathy.  She does not show any empathy at all---- not even towards her dad that loves her and supports her all the way.  I was thinking Pooh, imagine the kind of dil she will become lol. 

Now, as your step-daughter is doing just as she pleases, your hubby has all the right to stop supporting her as he always does.  The problem is that we love our children and it is very hard for us to take away from them our support (either financial or emotional) .  This in turn make our children believe that they deserve it all and they dont have to do nothing in return. 

I wish you the best of luck to you and hubby.
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Pooh on July 19, 2010, 10:21:36 AM
Well the drama continues.  It's been two weeks and we were supposed to have stepdaughter this weekend.  Had not seen or heard from her by 9:00 pm Friday, so hubby sends a text to ex and says, "FYI, XXXX has not shown up yet."  About thirty minutes later, gets a text back from ex that says, "My Mother broke her arm and needed help this weekend, so XXXX has gone to stay with her."

OK. So now I am torn.  1) If this is the total truth, then Ex should have called and asked if hubby minded if XXXX went to GM to help her this weekend instead of coming over.  No notification that she wasn't coming until hubby asked is unacceptable to me.   2) I have serious doubts to the truth of this and think Ex is just helping daughter still make excuses to not come over.

DH didn't respond and was very upset.  Both hurt and angry.  After he calmed down he told me that his first thought was he really wanted to drive to the GM house to see if she was there and if so, make her get in the car and come home with us.  If she wasn't there, he wanted to drive to Ex's house and drag her out.  Then he said his second thought was that if the Ex had made XXXX go to Grandma's to help, then he didn't want to catch XXXX in the middle.  Third, if she was helping her make an excuse, he said he didn't want to force her to our house if she didn't want to come over.  Poor fellow, he went back and forth for several hours trying to decide what to do.  In the end, he decided to send XXXX an email and poured his heart out to her.  No accusations, just simply told her that he was sorry if she felt like she couldn't come over any more and that he would really like to talk to her about what her reasons were.  He told her he loved her and always would but that the ball was in her court now to contact him.

I feel so bad for him.  He is trying so hard to do the right thing but is now worried which way to go.  He said he didn't want to force her to come over, but at the same time, didn't want her to think he didn't care by just waiting to see what happens.  He was in tears when he wrote her, and it was killing me to watch him hurt so badly over this.

So, now my question to you guys?  What would you do?  He has every legal right to make her come during his scheduled visitation but he says he wants to do what's best for her.  We know she doesn't like it because she has rules at our house (curfew, no smarting off, no disrespect, etc.) and that she doesn't want to come over because she gets away with those at her house.  His fear is if he drags her to the house, against her will she will become more rebellious.  But the flip side, he doesn't want her to feel like we don't want her there.  Oh what a quandary.

And my stance has been to just tell him all weekend, "Whatever you decide, I will support you and be beside you."  My only advice to him was that I thought, no matter what, he should schedule a face-to-face with the Ex and discuss that it was not acceptable to not notify him that she was not coming over.
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Pooh on July 19, 2010, 10:26:38 AM
Oh and by the way, I am no saint..........I want to go kick Ex's butt all the way down the highway and back.  ;D
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Nana on July 19, 2010, 11:24:55 PM
You are funny Pooh.....go get her  lol. 

You just support your wonderful husband.  He is a loving caring father and daughter does not appreciate this at this time in her life.      He should talk to ex about what is in the best interest of daughter and let her know that covering her up is not making daughter a real responsible and mature women. 

Hugs
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Pooh on July 20, 2010, 05:57:27 AM
Thanks Nana.  Been there, done that...multiple times.  He has tried and tried to talk to Ex about how DD has been treating us and has asked her for her help in helping him try to teach her that her behavior is unacceptable.  Gets the same response every time.  She sees no problem with her behavior and says that DD is just being a normal teenager.  Her behavior is above and beyond the "normal" teenage disrespect.  Problem is, she comes by it honestly.  Just as Mom didn't feel the need to contact hubby Friday to let him know she had sent her to GM instead of to our house, DD sees her Mom not acting responsibly and is following in her footsteps.  So, no help from Mom.
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Nana on July 20, 2010, 02:12:21 PM
As mother as daughter.....Your husband should have the piece of mind of trying to make her teenage daughter a responsible person.  He cant do no more if he does not have his ex-support.
Incredible how we say we love our children and still do not take the the bull by its horns.   Being a mom to a teenage daughter is not an easy job.  It takes hard work and perseverance to accomplish our job.  My husband always says that it is easier to be good to our children then to do what we have to for their own good.  Well...... poor girl....she will eventually suffer from the lack of empathy she has and of her unruly life. 

You both just hold on.......you cant do much if she isnt with you. 
May God bless you all!
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Alicev on July 20, 2010, 02:58:53 PM
Good for him! It is so hard sometimes to put down your foot and draw the line but it is ultimately the kindest thing you can ever do in these kinds of situations. Firstly, being kind to yourself for not allowing anyone treat you like that and being kind to the other person to let them face the consequences of their actions and giving them the opportunity to grow as people.
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Pooh on July 25, 2010, 01:52:41 PM
It has taken me a few days to write about this because I wanted to have a clear head, and let my anger subside.  Still had not heard from SD so DH called ex and asked her if the daughter had told her anything about not coming over.  Ex told him daughter said she was afraid she would get yelled at if she came over.  Now, my hubby is a normal Dad.  Not abusive but can raise his voice when warranted.  That told us that she was indeed avoiding us to avoid facing the music.  So Wednesday, he got daughter to agree to meet us somewhere for dinner.  Figured the neutral environment would calm her worries.  Met her, she walked in and the entire time we ate, you could tell, it was the last place she wanted to be.  Just kept looking around and avoiding eye contact.  After we finished, we asked her to go outside to the patio area (no one was out there) to sit and talk.  She agreed and my DH was soooo sweet.  He said all the right things.  He told her he loved her and that he was trying to figure out how to fix their relationship.  He started covering each thing we had an issue with and told her that he would allow her to have her say as well.  I will not go into each thing, but her excuses were since she was a straight A student and didn't get in trouble, that she was old enough to do whatever else she wanted to do.  She also said, "You two are not allowed to attend any of my football games or band competitions, because it is embarrassing."  She plays in the high school band, and we have always attended all her functions the last two years she has been in the band.  When we asked what we were doing that was embarrassing to her (because we just go watch) she said that it was just embarrassing to have us there, sitting near the band, in our High School Team sweatshirts, period.  That the entire band was embarrassed to have their parents there!  So although stupid, I am always willing to compromise.  So I told her that we would sit on the other end from now on and she wouldn't even see us but that we loved watching her perform.  And that 90% of the stands had on a team shirt, that was just football.  She said, "NO!  You two can not go at all!"

Every one of her answers boiled down to she only wants us in her life, on her terms.  After 2 hours of talking, we got no where.  Everthing was about her and how she feels she is old enough to do what she wants.  I can not even tell you how self-centered everything was about her.  She also said that since her Dad was not paying for her band any longer, he had no right to attend.  My poor DH was so hurt and at a loss for words because he said he didn't even recognize this person in front of him.  It ended with him telling her that we would attend whatever we wanted to involving her and that she had no say-so.  He said, we have been willing to compromise with you, but some thing are not going to happen. 

I have never seen anything like it in my life.  A 16 year old that was telling an adult what they would do and thought that nothing was wrong with that.  She used the most selfish words I had ever heard and it was obvious, she truly has no thoughts to anyone but herself.  We did find out her Mother has been providing her with only half-truths.  For example: the band money was taken away because since she has been around the people in the band, she has changed dramatically and my DH told his Ex that he was not contributing any longer to her extra things until she learned to be respectful.  Ex apparently only told her that DH was not paying for it any longer because he wanted her out of the band.  She didn't tell her the reasons why.  We did straighten out those things, but she could of cared less.

It ended with her just saying that she had to leave and she stomped off.  My poor DH is at a loss.
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: cadagi101 on July 25, 2010, 04:18:46 PM
Dear Pooh,
what is it with these young people.   My husband and i are absolutely gob smacked at how selfish our dd is.  We just wonder what planet she's from, I sometimes think it isn't the world we live in.  If they just looked around them and could see people less fortunate and show some compassion, but oh no liffe revolves around me dd.  My blood boils just thinking about it.    Do you know what?? and this doesn't help your situation but one day it will, I am so looking forward to her leaving home (whether that is with you or ex. ) and having to face the world on her own.  We wll tell her we are here for her if she needs our help or advice.    Maybe if you did say to dd if you don't want us there at your concert we just won't go.   ex might use that though by saying to dd you don't care about her.   Damned if you do and damned if you don't  No doubt you are between a rock and a hard place with this.   My dh drove 500k's to attend a father daughter function (that she didn't want him at anyway.)   She didn't just ignore him she was nasty to dh and it was obvious to everyone how nasty she was to dh.   Every girl had their dad except one sitting with them, she had an uncle with her, her fatherwas killed  in a car accident a week before.    Wouldn't dd think how lucky she is to have a dd willing to be with her.   dh is a lovely dad and does all he can for her.  When they were driving home she said things like "why did you have to say that"  do you know what he said that was such a crime "hi, how are you I'm  such and such pleased to meet you.  dh really did shrink that night he just wanted to go.  I apologise I don't have advice for you that would be useful except hang in there, you and dh have each other's support.   By the way dh won't put himself in that position with her again if she doesn't want him with her at functions then he just won't go.    She said we will embarrass her at her end of year formal so she's not going.  I said to her , please and all the reasons she should, but now we are not saying another word and see if she comes around, to be honest I am thinking  we could be doing something else anyway.  The way dd is we think she will ask us in the end.  Might be tough luck young lady we can't!!
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: cadagi101 on July 25, 2010, 05:39:35 PM
I was thinking about your post again.   I could never imagined our daughter who really has a good life and is provided for well could be such a b..     I don't mean she has every fandangled  new gadget on the market but has what she needs.  So I sometimes cry at how discustingly self centred and ungrateful she is.   hang on a sec....  dd just rang and my immediate thought to myself  was  "what is the drama now??"  well she topped her class in an assignment and was very happy with herself, it seems like one step forward and ten back but we hang onto those small steps forward.  We would go completely around the twist if we didn't.     dh spent hours on this assignment with her.  Did he get a thanks dad for helping!!!   Of course not.   At the time he was helping her I just wanted her to thank him maybe one day she will thank him for something he does for her.  It does hurt us when we see dh feelings hurt.   I could be reading into your  post wrongly as I am new so don't know all your other posts but but I have a question - do you and dh feel decisions you make with dd would be different if ex wasn't around?  Does it concern you ex will then continue to only tell dd half truths and turn dd against you?    In my post Interfering grandfather (yesterday) I said how unempowered (is that a word?) I feel when dh and I make decision regarding our Son.   We feel we can't do what we know is best eg.  "consequences for your actions" because my df undermines us I'm sure our ds hasn't learnt real life lessons because of it. 
I am thinking of you and wishing for happy days ahead.
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: cremebrulee on July 26, 2010, 04:12:54 AM
I'm going to give you my two cents...however, please know, what I say here may be difficult for you to process...it may hurt a little, it may not...but please know, I write these things with great concern and sincerity, not to hurt you, but to help if I can...and please know, I also may be way off base and wrong...only you know the answers to that...and you know what you have to do...but here's my input...I don't know your family or how you've parented...so, I could be wrong.

I think we try to give our kids way to much....our parents couldn't afford to give us all the material things kids have today, and I believe that is the difference...we tried or try to give them more then we had and it's wrong and here's why.

When children get everything they want, they don't know how to deal with disappointments, and life situations that are unpleasant...plus, they get very boared easily with "things". 

I worked since I was 13 years old and had to turn over any money I made to my mother...I didn't mind, it helped put food on the table...honestly, it never bothered me...what bothered me was working weekends, while all my friends were driving around town...however, as much as it did hurt, it didn't kill me, and I was in a safe place instad of some kids car...and by the way, when we were kids...most of us worked and saved for our own cars and helped out with the expenses.

I learned that working was not only helping out at home, but learning good social skills with people.  I think every child should have to work when they are 16...get a job, learn how to save money, learn how to budget....also learned, to do without if I didn't have the money to pay for it...today, kids get cell phones that they're parents pay for, cars...computers, they've got it all, and not once do they learn, how to pay for things they have...so they take it for granted, that when they want something, it's going to simply be there...someone will get it for them.

My mother did not come to my high school graduation...she couldn't she had to work....and when your daughter says she doesn't want her dad to come, then tough love her and don't' go.  She knows you well, and she also knew he would come....and if she treats him nasty, then he ought to leave....period. 
What your doing is feeding into her manipulation, making yourselves a victim. 

You've heard the old saying, respect has to be earned...well, your not earning it in your daughters eyes...you give her way to much...you love her way to much...and that's ok, however, in doing so, in giving children...and to me a child is a child until they are 18...and then they are still very immature to the ways of the world. 

Life is very difficult...challenging, filled with disappointments and hurts...and if we don't teach our children that....they will have a very hard time of it. 

If daughters are taken care of...then, they will look for someone to take care of them in the way of a husband, and might not be as selective as they should be....why, b/c they feel it's time to get married and they want someone to take care of them as you have...they are used to being provided for....

Girls need to be taught responsibility...need to know what it's like to work, be independent and provide for themselves...not have someone else provide for them....they need to know how to cook, clean, take care of they're own cars...how it is maintained...oil change every 3,000 miles, transmission fluid changed every 50,000 miles, and how to change a tire, etc.  They need to know household duties...like how important it is to change the filters on the heating and air conditioning units every 3 - 6 months...how to shut off the water, how to save on electric...how to buy wisely...purchasing energy efficient items...how to shop around before hiring a contractor to come in and do work, and what items cost, so that when they do hire a contractor, they know they're being robbed.  They need to be taught , yes, they are pretty, however, you can't get by on just looks...there has got to be more way more inside...and they need to learn to be self sufficient, self providing and how to take care of themselves, not marry, just to have someone take over your job...that isn't they're life's purpose. 

These are life preventative maintenance issues, that need to be taught to our girl children...as well as learning to work to maintain they're cars...to help pay for the insurance, the car payments...it won't kill them, it will help them....we spoil our kids today so much so, that when they get out in the world, they don't know how to survive.

They also need to understand, it isn't about the clothes, the hair, the nails or pedicures...that isn't what makes a person.   When I was a child, I never had near all these things...and today, girl children are given the best clothes, and it's wrong...you don't want your child to go to school undressed, however, over dressing them hurts them....and parents need to realize, by giving them the best of everything, spoils them and they don't know how to do without.  They must learn how to do without, it is essential...we raise our children to be very high maintenance and create monsters for they're future husbands with no concept of how much things cost....

And please understand, please, I'm not saying you've done all these things...but putting them out there from what I see happening now...not with you, but with my own friends grand daughters...not saying you have done this...however, you have got to be honest with yourself es and ask yourselves, have we loved our daughter to much? 

Your daughter is acting like this, b/c she can....b/c she knows she can get away with it....so what do you do...? In order to obtain back some control, you have to change your attitudes and stop loving her so much...let her make her own mistakes...stop trying to prevent her from making them...and stop giving her everything....and if you went to a good counselor, I bet he'd tell you the same thing...and I think you should go to counseling to learn how to say no to your daughter....

If a parent is having a problem like this with they're child...changes are it's all behavioral and they are the way they are b/c the parents couldn't deal with discipline, and/or gave them everything they wanted...when we become parents, we are young ourselves, and we never think about the implementation, our parenting skills have on our children....I believe all of us, every parent, wants to make life easier on they're own kids.

My foster mom and dad, explained to us the importance of why we needed to get jobs...now, my foster sisters and brother, didn't have to turn they're money over to they're parents...however, they were taught to sit down and budget they're money made, they were taught it's not the amount you save, it's that you put something away every week.  Today, kids are taught, it's ok to buy stuff on credit...when you don't have the money and that is sooooo wrong.

Please understand...I'm not scolding you, I'm just being honest....I know, some people come into this forum and only want to vent, they really don't want honest answers...we recently witnessed that in another woman's post.  So, what you've got to ask yourself, is...do I want to solve this problem, the best way I can, or do I simply want to complain about it, and hope for the best, that she see's the light and changes...she is not going to change on her own...you have to guide her with tough love and changing your attitudes.  And it isn't easy...but, you must keep remembering, it's b/c you love her...you're not being mean, your parenting, and parenting is sometimes very difficult...heartbreaking and painful.  I can't tell you how many times I said to myself....God, if I only knew then, what I know now...and my son isn't a bad person by far...however, I could have done better....I was a child myself when I had him....so immature...so unknowing to the ways of the world...so naive...I thought life was a storybook...?  Sheeesh....while my foster mom was such a good person...she was so naive to the ways of the world...which really implemented us...she never got out there and worked, and learned how to deal with people....and we didn't go much anywhere...so, travel was not an experience....all these things and much more, prepare our children for life....and that is our responsibility...so, my suggestion would be, if you want to change things...then find a good counselor, one that is going to teach you, how to teach your child, that she is being disrespectful, annoying, belligerent and cruel....that you just don't treat people like this....if you don't get this across to her somehow, she will really have a difficult time in life...she actually thinks it's ok to be like this...and you have to change that, if you can.

Please know, my heart goes out to you...
I'm not the kind of person who is going to tell you what you'd like to hear...but rather, my own view points, from my own life experiences...and some people don't like that...if you want to vent, I understand, but if you really want answers on how to change this situation around, it's going to take some very hard changes on  your part...determination, diligence and tough love....but I believe it can be done...there isn't anything we can't do if we put our minds down to it....the whole jest of it is...you...do you want to change things?  Because if you do...your going to have to stop what your doing and learn a whole new way of dealing with her....try and look at this like a whole new lesson of life, your going to have to learn....and we will learn until the day we die...we never stop learning....there is much opportunity here for you and your husband, and much peace at the end of the road....change isn't easy...however, change is a very necessary part of life....

I wish you much success with this...I know that it can be done, with much perseverance and commitment....

Love and hugs
Creme
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Nana on July 26, 2010, 05:04:34 AM
Dear Pooh:

I do agree with Creme.  You have to make big changes in order to gain respect from sd.   It is not speaking to her that will change her stubborn ways.  Your hubby tells her that he loves her.....she knows that perfectly well and that is why she is doing what she is doing.  She has measured you and know that she will get what she wants. 

It is easier to be good than just.  It will take a lot of determination and character to change things with her and it will probably be very painful because you love her.   You both (hubby and you) are real sweet, caring and loving persons but she is not (at least lately).    I wish you the best of luck with this.  Just dont let a l6 years old win.....

Remember...everytime she wins, she loses ---- and I say that she loses.....because she gets farther to being the person you want her to be. 

I read something like this.....dont know the author  "If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got".

Hugs

Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Pooh on July 26, 2010, 06:04:13 AM
I totally agree with you Creme and Nana.  That is how I was raised too, and my DH.  My DH worked from the time he was 14 and I at 16.  My parents told me if I wanted a car, get a job and buy one.  I had chore lists a mile long every day and was taught how to cook, clean, laundry, etc.  So was DH.  We were both raised to accept responsibilities for our actions and every day life was about choices.  I also played sports and my parents very rarely attended because of work and I remember how much I wanted them there.  I understood, but I also wished it was different.  And Nana, you are right.  That has been our thought process with the game attendance.  We want her to look back and say, "They cared about me.  They were there."  And we want to be there too.  We are also feeling if we don't go to teach her a lesson about gratitude....she wins, because that is what she is demanding right now.  Total catch 22.

The problem with this situation is that we only have her every other weekend.  We don't overindulge her at our house.  My DH pays child support and the standard medical, 50% of extra medical costs, etc. that is the norm by law.  Other than that, he was paying for half of her band tuition.  Her High School band does alot of competitions, takes a big trip every year and they charge $1200 worth of fees to pay for all of it.  They use the money for the big trip, all their food for every competition, etc.  So DH agreed to help ex with it and pay half.  Plus, her freshman year she was living in the City and started high school at the City school.  Halfway thru the year, Ex decided to move to the County which means she was not slated for a County High School.  She wanted to remain in her school, so DH agreed to pay half the tuition so she could remain there.  It is about $1000 total.  The school also charges class-fees, and other fees (parking, locker, etc.) and DH has always paid half of that. Also, every school year, on the weekends we have her she will let us know her Mom has not bought her anything for school.  We end up taking her and getting the things she needs.  Like bras, panties, socks, uniform shirts (they wear uniforms), notebooks, etc.  Nothing frivolous, just necessities.  Yes, that is what his child support is for but we will not let her do without panties just because Ex is an idiot.  She gets Christmas presents, birthday, the normal.  We do try to take her to do things on our weekends because her Mother and Stepfather do not spend time with her.

And that's the problem.  We are trying to teach her respect and responsibility on our 4 days out of the month.  Her Mom and Stepdad don't do it the other 26 days.  They let her do what she wants, be disrespectful, they never attend any of her functions and chalk everything up to "she's a teenager."  DH has talked to Ex until he is blue in the face about how she is not teaching her anything and all he gets is excuses.  After our months of problems with her, that is the things DH took away.  He is refusing to pay her band and school tuition this year, and buy her anything for school as a way to try to get her to see there is punishment for disrespect and misbehavior.  Ex just ended up telling stepdaughter that he is refusing to pay and is covering it all now (she makes good money).  So stepdaughter didn't learn anything....just simply sees it as another way to be disrespectful to us by saying "You don't contribute, so you can't go."  And it's her whole attitude in general, not just to us.  She makes comments about other kids, other bands and everything showing she has no empathy for people as a whole.  I was reading an article about "narcissistic teenagers" and it fits her perfectly.

Julia, BIG YES.  If we had her all the time, I truly believe things would be different.  She is her Mother's daughter and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  Her Mother has all the same selfish qualities and is irresponsible with everything.  So, she comes by it honestly.  We get no support from the Ex at all.  We have taken her cell phone, laptop, ipod, etc. from her on the weekends because of her behavior, and as soon as Ex picks her up, she gives it right back.  There is absolutely no consistency in the two households.  And that is the stance we have taken with her always.  It doesn't matter if your rules at home are different, you will abide by ours here and not treat us that way.  That is what is difficult now with this.  She is choosing not to come over because she doesn't like to have rules.  And the Ex is allowing her to not come over.

Big mess, and DH is so hurt.

Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Pooh on July 26, 2010, 06:11:06 AM
And Creme, I never take exception to anything that anyone writes.  It is hard for any of us to see an entire sitution, just by a few posts.  I also read everyone's responses and take away the things that apply, agree with the things I already do, and discard anything that doesn't cover my situations....Lol.

I was reading your post, nodding my head and going....yep, yep, that's exactly how me and DH believe and were raised.  :D
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: cadagi101 on July 26, 2010, 04:29:43 PM
Believe me when i say how empowering I find these post.    As a parent  many of us can get of track when it comes to raising our children,  which I might add we  can sometimes feel as though it is out of our control from outside influences, be it ex's, other family members, friends etc.  We know all the right things we should be doing and a lot of our values we learnt as children from our own parents.   (please understand  I know sadly it isn't a perfect world and many mums quite rightly wouldn't parent as they were).  My dh had a sad childlhood and was determined he would parent very differently to his verbally abusive father.    I had a totally opposite upbringing to my dh.    By saying that though  in my opinion, and I know first hand (me) now I have life experience under my belt it is my low self-esteem that governs the way I parent.   Many of today's kids are far more strong willed than we ever were, and " proffesional adults give them the right to divorce their own parents  and teachers can encourage children to phone doc's (social services) at the first raised voice or smacked bottom from their parents.    Of course some children need that guidance at times but many "use it" to get what they want.  I have 'allowed some of the negative behavioural traits in my own children.   Maybe it came from my own upbringing which although surrounded by care and love, I have always known and felt suffocated by parental concern as I have had severe epilepsy since I was 10.   I don't know if I wouldn't have parented differently than they did if my children had overwhelming health problems that affected many aspects of their life.   

It can be so confusing as a parent at times.  I have a question ....   I give my daughter  $15 a week  for  personal items and to go to the movies with friend etc.  (she is away at school,)  We live in an isolated area and so the choice is home schooling or boarding school.    i didn't have to think about that choice for more than a minute.     dd is 17. She has had anorexia but has been well for 12 months.    It was suggested to me by a psycologist she come home every 2nd weekend to help her get on the right track.    Which she did.  I drove  700k's  round trip to get her every two weeks.  There wasn't any other way for her to get home. (an 8 hr trip).  This weekend she can catch a bus.  She rang and asked if I could pay the $10 bus fare as she is saving for a pair of sunglasses.   If I don't pay the bus fare she'll think I don't want her home.  If i do than I can encourage her to keep saving for the sunglasses.    This is the same girl who say's we should buy her a car and help her with a unit when she leaves home.  Living out in the bush there isn't public transport, so I know we have to buy her a car..she can pay some back though when she gets a job.   Years ago we would get a job first than buy the car but it isn't practical here.     Because she say's "well you can afford it"    The bus fare is only $10.    what do you think?   Pooh this is your post, I feel as though I have hijacked it.    Maybe I should have started a new subject. I hope that is OK.
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Pooh on July 28, 2010, 06:28:06 AM
Hijack away Julia!  I swear, it doesn't bother me at all.  The whole bus fare thing....see I would pay the $10 but that would be because it would save me money to not have to go get her and take her back, plus that driving time you are putting in.  I think that $10 is more about you than her.  Of course I understand what you are saying about teaching her to make a choice between the sunglasses.

I would probably do it because of saving me time and money. 
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Pooh on August 25, 2010, 12:14:12 PM
Well it's been a month and still no change in stepdaughter.  She still has not come over for her weekends with us and we have not even heard from her.   We found out that her Mother's father passed away last Friday, so my DH tried to call and check on her, and when she didn't answer, sent her a text asking how she was and to call him.  No answer.  DH calls her stepfather ans says, "Just checking to see if XXX has her phone, because she hasn't called me back."  Stepfather tells him that yes, her phone is on and working.  End of conversation.  I waited, then on Saturday afternoon sent her a text that said, "I know you don't like us much right now, but wanted you to know I was sorry to hear about your Grandfather and that I am thinking of you."  No answer.

So my DH tells me today, he is changing tactics.  This coming weekend would be ours, and it is the first High School Football game Friday night.   He says he sent her a text and copied her Mother that said, "Looking forward to seeing you this weekend.  You coming over before or after the game?"

So far, no response.
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: cremebrulee on August 26, 2010, 05:31:36 AM
Quote from: Pooh on July 19, 2010, 10:26:38 AM
Oh and by the way, I am no saint..........I want to go kick Ex's butt all the way down the highway and back.  ;D

Good Morning Pooh
I am behind you and your husband 100%, give him a hug for all of us and tell him we support his decissions to....(if he knows your writing in here)

And don't feel bad about wanting to tell her mother off...believe me, I know the feeling...everytime I get around my son's step mother anymore, my fists clench.

When things were not going well with my DIL and I, I had cut them off for oh, 2 or 3 years, I don't remember....his father and step mother knew this, and by the way, they were telling me things they saw and they didn't like...now I wonder if they were fueling the situation on purpose...?  Anyway, I bumped into them right after my last visit down there....both our mothers were in nursing homes....in rooms right aside of each other.  I still love his mother....and his sister....they are good people.  Anyway....we walk out and they come over and ask me how my visit was.....guess what she says....tell me she's not a mean spirited person....she goes...."hey creme, when you were visitig did DIL work?"  I said no....why?  She replies, "OHHHHHH, Well, when we were there, she went to work and we got to have grand daughter all by ourselves"......OMG....so yeah, I know what your going thru....it's perfectly normal...and someday, they will get theres....

Hang in there, boy I'll tell you, I was so glad I didn't have a daughter....I'd heard so many horror stories of how bad they can be and things can get when in they're teens to early 20's.  They rebell all rules...and I don't know how I would deal with it, other then tough love....

Now, let me add....if your husband has legal grounds that she must come over on her weekends, then I would most certainly enforce them....b/c if an excuse comes up again....no matter what, she needs to call your hubby and ask his permission...i.e., grandma broke her arm, is it ok if I don't come over this weekend, I'd like to stay and help her".  And in that way, he still has control.

Also, I would stop texting her and asking her if she is coming over?  That gives her control....what I would do, it get it cleared with the courts...go to your lawyer and ask him what you can do, but they are in breach of complying with the court terms that were set up.  My goodness, if he didn't send support, they'd sure do the same....wouldn't they?

Ask him not to do anything to empower his daughter, she is not old enough yet, to make a decission that she is not coming over....she must be 18 right?  It sure is very difficult to tough love....it really is....

Good luck and know my prayers are with you.

Hugs
Creme
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Pooh on August 26, 2010, 06:30:32 AM
Thanks for the support Creme.  What is wrong with these Women?  I can not fathom as a Mother, how she thinks letting a 16 year old rule the roost, will help her become a good adult.  Excuse me for saying this, but she is just stupid.

We do have legal papers and he spoke with his attorney.  The attorney said we could go back to court and enforce it, but the person that would be found in contempt is her Mother.  The worst they could do is tell Mom if she doesn't enforce it, she could go to jail.  SD will be 17 in 2 months and the lawyer said by the time they got us in to court, would probably take 5-6 months because the Mom could stall it based on her age and say daughter is the one choosing not to go.  Said they could stall for a long time on the basis of changing the papers to reflect the daughter's requests.   So by the time all was said and done, after all the expense and stress, it might only affect 3-4 months before she turns 18 if at all, because if Mom still doesn't enforce it after that, could take months to get back in court and she probably would already be 18 and it would be null.  I hate courts!!!!

And you are right.  He has been playing nice and asking.  This last text, no asking....just saying you coming over before or after the game?  He says if he doesn't hear from her by today, he is calling Ex and telling her that he expects SD at the house Friday, no excuses.  Also, we are attending the Football game Friday.  If you see from my earlier post, SD said we couldn't.  We have decided not to change our routine, and we are going.  I know some of the advice was to tough love and not go, but we have talked about it and with her demanding we were not to go, we feel like if we don't.....she wins.  We have gone to every game the last 2 years, and will continue no matter what her "demands" are.  Tough tookie!



Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Pooh on August 27, 2010, 07:23:02 AM
Hold on, I'm practicing my shocked face.... :o

No surprise.  Didn't get a response so DH sent his ex a text last night that said, "Please make sure SD is at the house Friday."

She sends back this long text that says basically, "That DH and I need to stop dictating to SD how to live her life and to stop putting our needs above hers and that if DH wants to have a relationship with his daughter, he needs to stop telling her what to do and leave her alone and treat her like an adult."  She also eluded that to heal his relationship, he needed to meet with daughter "Alone".  Oh lol.  That was code for I need to stay out of it.

So DH is furious, because once again, Ex is making excuses for daughter's behavior.  Normally it is teenage hormones raging that is at fault.  Now, apparently it is us and me.  So DH texts her back and says, "Ok, it is obvious that SD is not telling you the truth about what has been transpiring.  The only thing we have been dictating is that she treat us respectfully and follow the house rules on curfew.  How about you, I and her have dinner and discuss this, so that she can't tell lies with both of us sitting there?"  (I told DH a long time ago that he and his Ex were her parents and that if he ever felt like it needed to be the 3 of them discussing issues, I was just fine with that.)

Ex never responds.  He sends two more texts and tries to call her, and she never answers.   It is obvious that Ex has no intention of helping with the situation.  It is also obvious that SD is telling her Mother lies, but her Mother is not interested in finding out the truth.  She is part of the problem, but doesn't want to be part of the solution.  So he tells me last night that although it is the most painful thing he has ever had to do, he will be sending his daughter one last text today that will say, "I will always love you and have offered every way I know how to try and mend our relationship.  It is obvious that you have no desire to do that.  So for now, I am done.  You know where I live and if you ever decide you want to have a relationship, the door is always open."

He told me that was the only thing he knew to do.  He had thought about his 3 options, and he felt this was the right thing.  He felt his options were 1) court (and he said it would just end up driving a bigger wedge between them to drag her mother into court) 2) Show up Friday and drag her kicking and screaming into the car (that would not fix anything) or this option he was choosing.  He is hurting so bad.
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: cremebrulee on August 27, 2010, 08:36:41 AM
Quote from: Pooh on August 27, 2010, 07:23:02 AM
Hold on, I'm practicing my shocked face.... :o

No surprise.  Didn't get a response so DH sent his ex a text last night that said, "Please make sure SD is at the house Friday."

She sends back this long text that says basically, "That DH and I need to stop dictating to SD how to live her life and to stop putting our needs above hers and that if DH wants to have a relationship with his daughter, he needs to stop telling her what to do and leave her alone and treat her like an adult."  She also eluded that to heal his relationship, he needed to meet with daughter "Alone".  Oh lol.  That was code for I need to stay out of it.

So DH is furious, because once again, Ex is making excuses for daughter's behavior.  Normally it is teenage hormones raging that is at fault.  Now, apparently it is us and me.  So DH texts her back and says, "Ok, it is obvious that SD is not telling you the truth about what has been transpiring.  The only thing we have been dictating is that she treat us respectfully and follow the house rules on curfew.  How about you, I and her have dinner and discuss this, so that she can't tell lies with both of us sitting there?"  (I told DH a long time ago that he and his Ex were her parents and that if he ever felt like it needed to be the 3 of them discussing issues, I was just fine with that.)

Ex never responds.  He sends two more texts and tries to call her, and she never answers.   It is obvious that Ex has no intention of helping with the situation.  It is also obvious that SD is telling her Mother lies, but her Mother is not interested in finding out the truth.  She is part of the problem, but doesn't want to be part of the solution.  So he tells me last night that although it is the most painful thing he has ever had to do, he will be sending his daughter one last text today that will say, "I will always love you and have offered every way I know how to try and mend our relationship.  It is obvious that you have no desire to do that.  So for now, I am done.  You know where I live and if you ever decide you want to have a relationship, the door is always open."

He told me that was the only thing he knew to do.  He had thought about his 3 options, and he felt this was the right thing.  He felt his options were 1) court (and he said it would just end up driving a bigger wedge between them to drag her mother into court) 2) Show up Friday and drag her kicking and screaming into the car (that would not fix anything) or this option he was choosing.  He is hurting so bad.

Oh boy...what a dilema....
that ex of his is using this situation to get closer to her daughter....what's going on here is she is more concerned about being friends with her daughter, then being a good mother...and sometimes, being a good mother means you gotta be the bad guy....it would be so easy for all of you, if she supported you....

One thing my son's step mother used to say to my son was...."what do you think your mother would say if she knew you did this?"  She didn't know I knew that....but they'd use me to get him to listen.  Sheesh?????

I know the hurt and frustration, and it kills you to see your husband hurting. 

Ok, so, that is the only option your hubby has, is to meet with Daughter....
then he shuld also ask her questions on that meeting like...

do you really think it's ok for you to act like this, just to get your own way?  Yanno, DD, life isn't always fair....life, is most of the time, down right hard....and no, we don't agree with you doing this or that, however, we still love you and care about you....love isn't loving someone only when it's easy to do, but loving them when it's hard...we're going to have disagreements and no, I don't approve of all that black...so, why don't you try and understand, it's b/c I love you, not because I'm trying to hurt you. 

See, your mother lets you do whatever you want to do...and that is her choice...I don't particularly think that is in your best behalf, b/c then your always going to expect life to be that way, and it's not....and when your out on your own, and things happen, I want you to be able to deal with them, rather then have them control you....that is why I'm doing this...and you'll understand this, when you have your own children....now, it' must be very hard for you to realize...all you see, is you want your way, and I'm not giving it to you....

then maybe he could explain to her...
"darlin....no matter where you go, every household has different rules....when your in your mother's home, we don't get to interfer, and when your in our home, she doesn't get to interfer....and we have our rules in our home, which are very different from yoru mothers...doesn't mean we love you any less....it's just that we're different people....maybe if he explains things on a very even voiced level....it will help, not right away, but believe me, she will walk away and think about it.

Make sure he tells her, your not always going to like our rules....your going to think they are unfair...and senseless, but behind our rules are reasons why we are doing this, and you need to understand, it's because we love you....and care...you see, whatever you learn now, will help you get along in life later....

Don't fight her, if she wants to walk away, cuz she doesn't like what he has to say, then good, let her walk away...but don't knuckle down under any circumstances to her terms...she is punishing you....when it should be the other way around.  She has learned this works with her mother....but she also has to learn, it ain't going to work with him....make certain he stands his ground no matter how much she says she hates him, or stays away.

You know your not going to get support from her mother, her mother sounds like she is very immature herself....however, what you and hubby can do, is start making a journal and write all this stuff down in it....then a year from now, two years from now, give it to her....
In that journal let it all hang out...but also reinforce the fact that this is your home and your rules....and she has to learn that no matter where she goes in life, there are always rules....and rules may not always seem fair at the time, but they are there for a reason. 
Down the road, maybe this would make a fabulous gift for her from her dad and you....it would take some work, but I will tell you true...when she comes back from her honeymoon and you give this to her, she is really going to get it...
Just a suggestion....
Love
Creme
Title: Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
Post by: Pooh on August 27, 2010, 11:30:42 AM
Good suggestions.  Together and alone, we have both tried to have a conversation with her like you are stating, and pretty much said all those things.  She has no desire to listen or try to hear, but is only interested in what she wants.

So frustrating because we know as parents, she is a train wreck waiting to happen.  When she has to face life in the real world, she is going to faced with a rude and painful awakening. 

Have you ever met someone that takes on the personality of those around her?  She was dying to see the movie Avatar when it came out.  So we had her on that weekend and took her.  She spent the entire evening talking about how great the movie was.  Then two weeks later, when we had her, I brought up the fact that we were going to have to buy the movie when it came out and she yells, "Why?  That's the most stupid, overrated movie."  My DH and I both looked at her in shock and said, "Wait, we thought you said you loved it after we took you?"  She said, "No, my friends pointed out to me how much hype surrounded it and how stupid it was and I agree."  And it is like that with everything.  She will like a song, or a TV show one weekend, and then when we would get her next, her opinion had changed because so and so said.....

After hearing this several times, we had a conversation with her about being herself.  That she needed to base her opinions on what she thought, not what her friends thought.  She was completely argumentative and got all defensive.  The same way she is acting over us attending band things and how "we" think having parents there is stupid.

I'm not blaming other people for her actions, it is her decisions but it is like she relies on what her friends think to decide what she thinks???  Does that make sense?