March 29, 2024, 07:51:21 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Smilesback@u

31
I have middle sweet son :) for mss.  I made it up  ::)  I got inspired by something luise just posted: 
You can only be your best self not someone else's. And however to the contrary it may seem, therein lies your happiness, being your best self while letting others find theirs.

I got what I needed right there!!!  Just needed some relief from this idea that I am expected to make it all better -- I can't, I keep trying and nothing changes.  He knows I care, he knows I love him, he knows I worry about him...he says he is living his own life and for me to stop trying to control his life.   ???  It is what it is...yukky  :'(

Well back to focusing on my own needs and what I can do in my life to make it a wonderful world...or at least try.   :-\
32
I have a mss who is hardly working by choice and living out of his van by choice.  He gets irate with me because I harp on he should be getting a job, making something of himself, paying his parking tickets anything that has to do with living responsibly.  And he is sick of it!  Well so am I!  But 10 years from now if he is doing the same crapo, I would feel guilty if I didn't give it my best shot now.  If he has depression, which I suspect, I do not want to give up on him either.  That's why I am in conflict with him -- I don't want to be in this role of trying to rescue him, or being negative that he is not doing what he should be doing.  So after spending this weekend with him at oss' house celebrating dh birthday, I am so d.o.n.e. with feeling sorry for him and trying to figure out what he needs to do.  I will be here, light in the window, try to keep him from going down the tubes, but not going to save him from working for a living at all.  Feels right to me -- what do you think?
33
Yes E, recently I have made an attempt this past week to glance and not post, check photos and get off of FB fast.  Seems that I am happier doing that.  Hope you find the support you need here at WWU.  Sending you hugs :) 
34
Grab Bag / :D If real life could be this funny
October 03, 2012, 04:23:01 PM
My dh ex-mil sent me this funny story and I laughed.  Hope you see the humor.   :D

HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS WITCH  Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.   Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress,
And I'm wearing it", she replied.  Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'' A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.  When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another  Occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''  We are flexible like that.
35
Pen, not wimpy and insecure - smart, considerate, thoughtful, caring, resourceful, communicative, respectful sounds more like it to me.  I believe that most people who want to help plan a get together need to consider what everyone else might want to see happen.  Such a cop-out to not help with the planning and then get to sit back and judge whether it is worth doing or not?  I would call FOUL on this one and not plan a stitch without input.  Not a stitch!  Hang in there!  sending you another point of view, hugs too  :)   
36
Good for you Elise that things are improving in your communication with DS.  It might be a bit too soon to take big risks like suggesting a different high chair.  It is important though understandably.  I think your heart is in the right place obviously for the baby's safety.  There are a lot of +++ for the high chair you pointed out and some real concerns.  I wonder why DIL is going ahead with this one?  Just curious as I would bet she researched it if she is like most new mothers.  So what's the worse that could happen?  I thought the collapsing high chair, or rocky one that tips over is a big issue.  Once the new parents put their precious baby at 6 months old or so in that high chair and see it is not that good, they could go out and buy another one.  Everyone seems to learn on their first baby how to investigate and view baby items for safety reasons not just looks.  So normal to worry and want to protect babies from harm's way.  Always scary too when we hear about baby item *recalls* cuz something bad could happen if we use them.  I would protect your improving relationships and hold off a bit longer, testing the waters, to see if they can handle more input from you.   The high chair won't be used for a good while until baby can be at least propped up in it.  You have all the time you need to be reassured that your relationship is on sturdy ground, imho.   
37
Pooh, I am so grateful that you share openly that the holidays are not smooth sailing.  I have anxiety about Thg and it is something that has not even happened yet.  This might be true for you too?  The anticipation I feel might be worse than the real deal.  Who knows until the moment when I actually there?  We can imagine the most positive outcomes for everything since it hasn't happened yet, so why not imagine the best possible scenario?  Play it out in a different way in your head for a moment.  You are stronger than you think, and isn't that what everybody tells us?  There are not that many Thg on this earth for any of us so why waste this one.  Spend it the way your heart tells you to do.  It is an opportunity for growth whenever we face down our perceived adversity and can do it with dignity and grace.  I cannot avoid visiting my DS/DIL, I just won't let myself let it go and I certainly would rather not be seen by them to bleed all over their floor with my emotionality about not being involved, feeling eliminated or dismissed (those are my words for dealing with my Thg coming up and not necessarily what you feel).  How long do you stay for Thg?  Just the day?  Whenever I feel I might get overwhelmed but kinda want to go ahead with a family visit, I use the analogy of an *open door* that I can go in and also I can go out at any time I choose if it gets to be too much for me.  Try it out in your mind and see if telling yourself that you can always leave makes it possible to endure your feelings.  You can leave the room as well as you can leave the house and better yet, you can leave the story behind at home of how it has been and go through your open door bringing the possibility that it could all go down differently in an easier way than you think now.  You also have the option of going to the source of your fears and break the ice by talking to DS not necessarily about Thg, could be anything mundane -- how would that feel?  You'd be very brave to do that.  I use my DH as the tag team for me so that when I need to make my *exit*, he is there keeping the homefront ready to receive me when I return.  Hope you don't feel alone in this and know that you are doing great to even consider going anyway.  You are a strong lady! 
38
Hey FL, you are Stepping It UP for you and your DH!  Love that!!! Way to go!   :D
39
Thanks Pen, being aware now of my boundaries, and sticking to them, is the ticket to my happiness, simple to say, harder to do.  Thanks for your support everyone.  I call it good on this issue for me, and I am done.  Thanks one and all. 
40
Oh my, thanks everyone for sharing.  I simply do not want to babysit when the GD are sleeping.  Monroe got me.  Thanks everybody, I call it all good with this issue and believe I am done -- I appreciate your ideas, each and every one esp food for thought. 
41
WOW Scoop, thanks for your sharing.  You actually triggered some memories of vacations with my sons, ILs, and DS/DIL.  We solved those issues of when will everybody get up and get going, who wants to go out til late at night, and seemed to work them out okay as everybody was pretty much on the same page.  That was before GC.  We have enjoyed family holidays together, we have gone to Hawaii once, to the Pacific coast several times, and everybody got along really.  We loved that they all enjoyed time together at night after we went to bed...it was a vacation after all.  Seems that I am expected to babysit at night and I don't want to.  That's the problem.  Thanks again Scoop - We have had fun family vacations together in the past -- I forgot.   
42
Thanks DivaGirl - I appreciate your perspective on having your own family traditions or way of doing things.  It is your family after all.  I think I am getting the idea better that as a GP I am to honor the family unit of parent and child more.  Thanks for that!
43
Thanks luise  -- I needed that...I will accept that this is their choice, their decision how to relate to me when I visit.  I will politely enjoy myself with them, and take my leave.  I will continue to defend my boundaries when needed, but basically I can leave when I want to, whether I disappoint them or not.  Ok, a deep breath, and a little more letting go today.  Little by little, it will get easier I think.  hugs to you  :(
44
I love having your help FL  :D  and others here on WWU.  I too am in the fighting and screaming mode today but it is within my control.  I can turn it off, after acknowledging my feelings to some degree, by thinking about something else, exercising, dieting, housecleaning, fixing myself up to look better, etc.  Basically focusing on myself works, and saying to myself that I matter, and taking a deep breath of the life I have left to live.  So first thank you for flushing out all the emotions here with your post, FL.  I sorely felt your pain with the *step it up* attitude/remark.  I have received that attitude since becoming a GP and though I have danced around it -- now I am getting that it is not going to help them get what they want.  And it is absurd, to always be trying to get their approval.  I don't know how I got here.  My story, your story are all based on your perceptions, and you have a right to keep the story intact, change it the way you would like, let it go or what have you.  I think you have a right to resent someone bashing your story!!  If in your perception, you worked hard as a mother doing your best, so be it!  Let's see how they do as parents -- I wish mine good luck!  I smile whenever they recall the trouble they got in, and say I don't really remember that.  All children eventually let go of their parents, some have to be pushed to do it.  It is just that there is so much gall to the saying You need to step it up, to your parent!  I mean really!  It makes no sense, is ignorant to say the least, and is full of so much nonsense, and crazy-making stuff - you have to just throw it away with the trash because that is where it belongs, in the trash.  And you know what?  Saying you really don't care, and that all this reminds you of a *coworker* getting mad and saying they will hold their breath until they turn blue if they don't get their way - well, sounds like the best approach to take -- we don't have to live with *coworkers*.   Thank you again one and all, I really appreciate the work you all did with this issue here and the opportunity to rant a bit.  I am working my way to my own journey, slow and steady.  Thanks for the guidance. 
45
Wait, to serve the family is the only role I can have with my sons?  No, now that we are all adults, we can spend time together enjoying life as adults?  Then really there is no ME beyond the role of *mother* to them?  Really?  So where's that leave me if Mother says that she doesn't babysit, cook, clean, buy groceries when she visits -- she enjoys her time with everyone and then leaves before her bedtime.  That's it?  What if I say I am going to go home and go to bed, and instead DH and I sneak out to a movie or entertainment?  I think that's fine...if they are going to hang out at home, because they are not going to get a babysitter, and they obviously resent that I don't babysit so that THEY can go out, some quandry I find myself in.  Die to self, in order to make someone else happy?  Doesn't seem healthy to me.  Did I miss something?  Maybe I am the one who is not growing up here.  I need a bit more help to find my way.