March 29, 2024, 03:50:58 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Smilesback@u

16
PS  Can I ignore my dad's emails and phone calls to avoid a blow-up?  I think that's what I want to do. 
17
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Patience & trust
November 05, 2012, 05:31:24 PM
Your love for dh really shines here.  He brings something to your relationship that matters a lot to you and seems to overflow to the rest of your family.  His behavior speaks volumes as to how much he respects what you are going through.  Sounds like you love having him in your corner.  Being so close to dh means they feel what we feel, and it is stressful.  They also have some objectivity and helps alot.  I am finding that by re-focusing on my relationship with dh, I am a lot happier.  sending you kudos for appreciating your dh.
18
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: I finally blew!
November 05, 2012, 05:26:20 PM
Proud of you Pooh!  You drew appropriate boundaries, and let it lay where it belongs on your shoulders as the hostess.  Proud of you for defending your son/FDIL's rights too!  They know you have their back.  They also will develop their own appropriate boundaries.  It is crazy making, but you sound very reasonable to me.  Again, proud of YOU! 
19
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Pressure from my dad
November 05, 2012, 05:18:53 PM
I have a middle son (ms) who does not want to get a job.  He does yardwork for a living but is not making it.  He used to complain it was the economy for why he could not find a job.  But the last time I talked with him, he says that's not it, he can get a job if he wants.  He is living out of his car.  My dad wants his address to mail him a bday card.  So I told my dad to give it to me and we will get it to him as he is living with friends, but that the last time I talked with him he said he was looking for an apartment, and considering doing seasonal work with Amazon shipping.  (I will believe that when I see it)  Of course, I keep hoping, but I feel so much pressure from my dad.  He said that dh and I should be able to do something for ms.  I know my dad.  If he knew that it was my ms's choice to not work, he would write him off as a deadbeat, a bum.  I know my dad and he is unforgiving, holds grudges and is a control-freak.  I believe my ms will come to his senses (at 34) soon as the weather is getting colder.  My ms won't take my 3x calls recently so I leave a message each time, that I think is encouraging.  I know this is his decision to make as to how he wants to live.  I asked his 2 brothers if they would talk to him please, and let him know we support him.  Unfortunately, he got mad at them too and it didn't go well.  It looks obvious that he must be smoking pot and not motivated to change his life.  It is so sad that it has become my problem too.  I am working towards detachment, and not giving him money anymore.  But now this pressure from my dad, which is not the first time, about ms.  I think ms has to solve this himself.  We give him help to move, store his things, and ask him to pay us for any bills that we pay for him.  So far, he paid us back for Sept bills, and owes Oct.  I believe he will get it together.  He is just so mad to get pushed and my dad now is pushing me.  I don't like it either!  I just don't want my dad blowing up and disowning me too because I wouldn't "do" anything.  Right now, I think doing *nothing* is doing something.  Does that make sense?   
20
Yes, I just am on my journey and will see where it takes me and get back to you.  Thanks for asking ;)
21
thanks I agree that enabling my son by fixing everything for him does not make him stronger.  I am resisting the urge to fix it.  I have confidence he will pull himself together in his own time...or not, and deal with that if and when it happens.  The anxiety I have about changing the way I think that I have to help him, is hard on me.  I am grateful as always to you all to keep steering me back to the center of things.  I need to focus on my health and release my son to be who he wants to be, and become who he sets his mind to be.  Arg, I know that's where it is at.  I just want it to happen now!   ???
22
Thanks Pen, it is difficult, it just is.  I am trying to not run away from how I feel by overeating today, which helps me feel even more challenged.  I am focusing on exercising and putting that nervous energy into something I can control that is for my own good.  Thanks for the help here. 
23
I know you all mean well...like I am not alone, I can get through this.  There is a strong part of me saying Bah!  Humbug!  I have to worry, who else is going to care?  I try not to think about him freezing to death.  Today I am asking myself Is he smart enough to go to a Mission or a friend's to sleep if it is that cold?  Hope so...cuz I do think how I must be a rotten mom in my book to not offer that he stay with us for the winter.  I don't want him in the house, as I am afraid I will have a big scene trying to get him out again!  We would have to move away from him I am afraid  :-[ 

Tatoos:  My first born got a tatoo in the 90s and nipple rings -- and he showed me, blechheee,  :o  I didn't need to see that.  He was a lifeguard and they made him wear bandaids over his nipple rings.  Good for them!!!  This year my conservative niece got tatooed covering her whole midback, didn't go halfway there, and posted her photo to FB no less - and friends said* Wow, she is so inspiring.*  Huh?  Because she demonstrated her passion for exercise with this big circle of swimmers.  DOUBLE Huh?  I would never have thought this of her -- I can't keep up.   Tatooing is wrong, it is permanent, and it fades.  And doesn't it hurt to get tatted?  Not for me, thanks.

Dressing Up:  My youngest son wanted to wear sweats to a holiday dinner again in the 90s and I put my foot down -- he chose not to go.  That was my mistake   :(  as the hostess said at dinner it was okay if he came as he was, as HER son came straight from work in his dirty clothes.  I cannot keep up...really, things change, and I keep falling on my face. 

If it wasn't for you WWU sharing, I wouldn't get that what matters to me, does not matter to everyone, and to get off it.  Just have to get through this and learn what I am supposed to learn.   8)
24
Monroe, he really doesn't want to borrow money as that would mean he has to pay it back :P  He just wants to not pay his bills - like Bee said, a different value system.  When you are poor, you don't have enough money so you rob peter to pay paul (or something like that?).  I will discipline myself to stop thinking a long time about how to rescue him and other sons.  I can't help myself from thinking that there is something I can do to help, or feel mad that I am thinking about rescuing them, so today I am practicing the, Think.  Stop.  Go.  To refocus on my own needs and just say No, I am not going to give you money, lend you money or pay your way.  Gosh how can this be so hard? 
25
Right Bee, thanks  ;)  I will keep a print out at my desk and grab it when he calls...and he will call!  I was looking at rents where he lives and they are high.  So I looked at buying a condo in foreclosure or short sale, and somehow making it where he can rent it to own.  Just not hurrying into anything because he does not have a job.  If I was him I would be frantic.   ???
26
You made me snicker Be with camping without facilities when you need them  :-[   It really is okay for me to not turn away from him, and yet, I can still say no?  I liked your responses and so I made one, *I am putting every cent into retirement and have to say no to loaning you money.  I am sure you can figure out where you can get a job so you can pay your bills.*  How would it be if I say that after he gets a job and is working, if he still needs a loan, come talk to me?   
27
Grab Bag / Re: My Inspiration for the Day
October 25, 2012, 11:39:04 AM
exactly Pen!  I re-read the 8 ways and got reinspired!  And thanks to Pooh, have that King Tut song in my head...King Tut by Steve Martin  ;D
28
Oh yea, if he was happy I would be happy along with him!  Whenever he is mellow, I am grateful, pleased, connected again and blessed.  Maybe by getting off his case, he will be whatever he is, and I will feel detached so that it doesn't upset me.  He needs to feel his anger and solve it.  He has told me in the last year that he thinks about his life and gets mad.  I told him to use that energy for doing positive things in his life.  He came up with the plan to not have an apt so he reduces his bills.  Okkkkaaay, and he is doing more things that he likes to do, camping, gym workouts, walking the lake, trying new hobbies...okaaayyy, now what?  Still not settled as I think he wants a gf but who wants to live hand to mouth?  Who can see someone living like that as a potential mate?  He is in a dream world that you should love me for me, not for whether I have a good job.  Huh?? I told him if he is a bachelor and living this way okay, but if he wants a family someday, he has to show someone he can be depended on, cuz when times get tough you don't want to pile your kids and wife into the car and live at a campsite.  He said I don't even have a gf.  WHich is the heart of his problem I think...he is trying to meet women at the gym, at poker tournaments, hiking.  But he really should focus on the basics, a job, a place to live, a future savings.  He is a saver so that's going for him.  He is smart, and kind hearted, funny, but right now he has stress issues and irritable bowel syndrome kicks in if he doesn't watch out.  I get it, but I am sorry that he is living this way, and think he could do better.  I think he can do it for himself.  I just don't want to see him end up in jail for not paying parking tickets, having his car impounded, going to collections, and asking me to pay $$$$$.  How could I say No?  In a way I am trying to protect myself from a future misfortune with him.  I would hate to act like I don't even know him, turn him away from my door, not answer his phone calls for $$.  But that is where I am headed and it scares me.   :(
29
Be - I love your humor, love it!  I am not hopeful for my son and glad it turned out good for yours.  I do think there is more to his being able to not work because of help from his friends than I know.  But he is so, personality-wise, acting abrasive that I really do not feel good literally after spending time with him.  We usually get through it in the end with more positive feelings, but it really does not feel good.  My mind is telling my heart what to do, and I am trying to follow, but it is hard.  At this point if he were not to talk to me, I might even prefer that, being careful what I wish for here.   :-\
30
Oh, and oss is other stepson -- maybe a bit confusing even for me  :P