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QuoteIf you want to see your grandkids, you are going to have to make peace with her directly, not just your son.  I don't know what it is that you may have done to upset her and I get the impression that you don't even know.  So, you might want to find out what it is that you did that ticked her off so bad.

Sometimes, DIL, it is the result of a mental health illness.  Those with personality disorders "perceive" they have been wronged when; in fact, their perception is totally bazaar.  I know - been there.  But, it is up to  the son to "rectify" the situation and often, they are too scared to do so.  This is not to let the son "off the hook"; but it is a fact.  And, those of us caught in this "web" struggle to survive.  Oh - by the way, I do know why my ex DIL shunned and abused and smeared my name - I caught her physically abusing her children (threw the little girl against the wall and then repetitively bashed her on the head) and I told her father.  Unfortunately, our son did not believe me (although he did state "Mom never lies") - then again, maybe he did as the "abuse" did lessen.  Sometimes, we can't win ....

QuoteI really don't know what to say except to try and let this "dream" go - because that is what it is.

This is my quote to "justanoldgrandma".  What some of you don't know is that Father's Day is supposed to be "our" holiday.  Our son is divorced from his wife and is raising his children alone.  The kids see their mother once every three weeks or so.  Well, guess what - she wants them this weekend and our spineless son has agreed.  I rarely see them any more (especially the older girl); in fact, I'm not sure I would even recognize her in a crowd.  And yes, it hurts and I shed a tear; but I did not cry.   So - justanoldgrandma - I know how hard it is - but after being kicked and tossed to the curb again and again and again, it does get better. 

One thing I do that I know causes some "problems" and frankly, I don't care, is that I write to the children and wish them a "happy whatever" and then describe what we are doing.  I want them to know that they have always been included and that they are missed.  Some day, they will remember these e-mails and some day they will realize how "unfair" their mother and their father was.  You see, the mother used to tell the children that we did not celebrate holidays - it made it easier for her (and I suppose for our son).  Whatever - it still hurts ...

QuoteDid anyone have any luck in trying to persuade son to buck the system?

I think this is the "real" reason you wrote - and no, I did not have any luck trying to "buck the system".  We are lucky in that our younger son lives nearby and our DIL always, always makes sure there is time for us.  Our elder son - well, you know the drift - too busy, no choice as we must go, etc. etc. etc.  Now, whenever I plan a holiday function, I always consult with our younger son and his wife, we set plans and then inform the elder son of the details.  Funny, he has come more times without being consulted than being consulted; nonetheless, we don't expect him and his family to "show"; when they do (rarely), it is a bonus.  I think he has realized that "life goes on without him" and so have we.

I really don't know what to say except to try and let this "dream" go - because that is what it is.  The others have given many excellent suggestions; the best way to survive I think is to "do something new and different" - however simple or extravagant that is.  Forget about tradition - "we always did it this way".  It still hurts; my goal is to find a way to "hurt less".  All the best ...

QuoteDo you think your SIL might be struggling with a mental illness?

I have an ex-DIL whom I suspect suffers from BPD (as well as other mental health issues).  My SIL reminds me of her but the behaviours are less severe.  I have thought that, maybe - there is a history of mental health issues on my husband's side of the family - but I really believe we are dealing with extreme jealousy and entitlement.   Of course, having few friends, activities or interests, creates too much time to ruminate and imagine and gossip.  I also feel loneliness is a large part of this story; however, she created her situation.  But, I have definitely considered some type of mental health issue ...

QuoteIt sounds like jealousy and since her father is gone now wants brother to take his place and spoil her.

Pooh - you hit the nail on the head.  She not only wants my husband to take her father's place but she also wants his wallet to take her father's wallet's place and me out of the picture.  She really believes that a blood relative as a sister counts more than a wife (I guess two failed marriages might have something to do with that thinking).  A cousin commented on the "problems" of my husband and his two sisters - she said that in every family, there is one person who always wants the "biggest piece of the pie"  My husband's reply - "No, she wants the whole pie".

I know what to do; it's just sad that as members of families age they grow apart because of jealousy and not closer because of tragedies.  And Lancaster Lady -

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QuoteI think you are doing very well  and I think that doesn't bode well with SIL .

you are also correct - my SILs know we are doing well and that is the reason for the jealousy.  Any time either sister has asked for help (and many times when they did not), we were there - physically, emotionally and financially.  Their lives are not as good as ours - frankly, they chose poor husbands - but that has nothing to do with me. 

Why do some people enjoy seeing others in pain?  Does it make their pain seem less?  No person (when they get to be the age of a grandparent) has not suffered some burden or tragedy in life.  And, of course, this is true of us.  The saddest part is the old saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is not true.  What is true is "out of sight; out of mind".  And this holds more truth for my husband than for me. 

Thanks for the support.  I was feeling especially low yesterday - my sister-in-law "takes" what does not belong to her.  She tried to "take" my husband and sons (turn them against me for whatever reason); for sometime I have noticed that she has now "zeroed in" on one of my grandchildren.  Her own grandchildren have very little to do with her (as does her children and daughter-in-law).  She can be so charming and irresistible and I know she will try (and probably win for a few months or even years) to "turn" our granddaughter against us.  She has done this before; when I try to intercept I always lose.  I guess I don't know how to fight "unfair".  She takes a truth and twists it ever so slightly that I always end up appearing "wrong" - sometimes I even wonder if maybe my memory is incorrect.  I just try to "let it be" and continue, but it still hurts (my husband says that ignoring her is the one thing she just can't stand).  Luckily, after 40 years in this community, few give much credence to her words.  Nonetheless, I wouldn't treat her the way she treats me but "no contact" does seem to work.  The other sister-in-law appears to "gloat" in hearing the gossip of my "errors" - so to say.  She always makes sure that I'm aware of what I'm missing.  It's not what I would wish for.  Oh well ....

We are a family of farmers.  If I move, it will be alone.  My husband should be retired in the new few years (I hope).  So far, I've been just staying out of sight, shopping, visiting friends, etc.  I've been doing this for several years now; today, it just seemed too overwhelming.  Probably, tomorrow will be better.  Thanks for replying - there really is no answer - I just need to be stronger ....

I've been reading for over a year now and actually responded to a few postings.  Maybe someone could help with this struggle.  I  don't think there is a solution.

I've been married to a wonderful man for over 40 years.  There are no problems between us.  The problem is with his family - his two sisters (particularly the younger one and his father (now deceased).  To put it bluntly, they hate me.  My father-in-law told me over 35 years ago that it would be best for everyone if I would leave my husband and our two-year old son.  He came in one evening (drunk) and that is what he said.  I didn't know what I did wrong - I was so stunned I didn't even reply.  I should have told my husband but decided to "ignore" it by not saying anything to anyone (which I did for many decades) and making sure that I was never "physically close" to him at family activities.  I guess we both pretended everything was fine.  My husband's mother, by the way, although shy and dominated, was always very kind and good to me.

I forgot about this (or at least, put the statement) on a back burner.  Two years ago, my father-in-law passed away.  Problems have surfaced unbelievably since then.  A few months after he passed away, I was told by my nephew and sister-in-law that "everyone in this family hates me and it would be best if I would pack and move away - leave my home and my husband" - just leave.  I was again stunned!  I discussed this with our two sons and my husband this time (they led me to believe that our sons also hated me - I knew my husband didn't). My husband confronted his sister and nephew but it only resulted in a screaming match.   Now, my husband is not speaking to his younger sister (and only marginally to his older and timid sister) and our sons have practically nothing to do with their aunts or cousins.  Everyone still is in contact with their mother or grandmother (in her 90's now - aware of the fighting but not able to or cares about mending fences).

My husband thinks the problem is pure jealousy.  Frankly, we are quite well off and both my sister-in-laws are not.  We worked hard and nothing was given to us.  Also, my younger sister-in-law is twice divorced and feels that her brother should be first in her life and vice versa (her father always put her first, even over his wife).  I was always very careful about mentioning any material acquisitions, etc., I was the one who hosted the family get-togethers (never my sisters-in-law), my husband always helped whenever asked as did I; in fact, my husband and I felt it was "us" who held the family together.  Our family is now torn apart.  I guess what bothers me is that for over 40 years I have been bad-mouthed behind my back and I wasn't even aware of it.  Always, whenever I speak to them or help them, there is/was always a little "dig" which I continue to ignore.  My husband did speak to his mother and said he was tired of his sisters mistreating his wife.  Frankly, she is or never was "strong enough" to confront her husband or daughters.  But, this is not what I want.  Even the "pretend" family was better than no family.

The worse part is that we all live within sight of each other.  We have very few other neighbours.  The pain is constant - I can't seem to get away from it.  I am so tired of this.  Please - anyone - give me some words to "fall back on" when I get down.  We are not able to move just yet - maybe in five years or so.  Thanks for reading ...

I also agree.  A plain card wishing him a "Happy Birthday" would be sufficient.  If you feel you must send a gift, include a gift card for gas or a fast-food restaurant or something similar.  Only book lovers love books and even with book lovers, one needs to be extra careful in choosing books as gifts.  Books can cause negatives when only positives were intended .  All the best ....

QuoteHe'll probably call our son now and...They'll have a mom bashing festival like they've done before.

Actually, I doubt that.  It sounds as if your son "hates" himself more than you or your ex-husband.  It appears he has cut several of his family members (if not all) out of his life.  I am beginning to think this has more to do with him than you.  All the best ....

Without going into detail, our son also treated me this way (started with a new wife).  My husband and I were treated horribly by her and our son did nothing to "change" this.  Now, our DIL is an "ex" and gradually, our son is coming back into our lives.  It's been over two years now - slowly, slowly ...

My husband always felt that our son was so humiliated and ashamed of her and his treatment of us and that is why he was so distant.  Perhaps this was so, perhaps not, but for us, things are getting better.  So, could there be some reason your son is ashamed to face you?  Maybe it is not you, but him.  Anyway, I was just wondering ....

QuoteBTW WE HAVE NO CLUE WHY SHE IS BEING THIS WAY.  SHE WAS ALSO THIS WAY BEFORE THEY EVEN HAD CHILDREN.  I JUST DON'T GET IT.

I do - you just described our soon-to-be ex-DIL.  She suffers from BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder.  There are many sites on the internet re this mental health issue with lots of help in how to best "interact".  I'm so sorry but I suspect this probably will be your burden to bear - it's a heavy one.  Wishing you peace this season ....

This will be blunt - I suspect your DIL suffers from BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder.  If I am correct, you will never win, she doesn't want you in her life, and you will be slandered and victimized.  Whether or not you continue to see your son and grandchild, that choice belongs to your son.  I'm sure he does not know this yet, but I suspect the next "plan" will be to remove your grandchild from your life; followed by your son. 

Please educate yourself on this disorder - there's lots of information on the internet in how to "interact" with those suffering from this disorder.  I know - we've been there.  The first Christmas that our DIL did not attend was 2002 and it escalated each year from there.  Luckily, the marriage broke up in 2009 but the hurt and pain does not disappear over night.  We were lucky in that she not only abandoned her husband but also her children.  Nonetheless, one of the two grandchildren has "sided" with the mother.  It's better but I don't think it ever will be "good".  I pray that my suspicions are wrong in your case (that your DIL is just insecure) but I doubt it.  May God be with you because you'll need Him ....