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Ladybreck -  I so feel for you.  You more or less described our former DIL.  Luckily, she finally left our son and abandoned her children.  I, too, felt our ex-DIL was mentally ill (probably BPD).  I know - you are accused of things you never did, never said, never even thought.  But, this too came to pass.

Like Luise, I had to learn that I could not "fix" it.  Boy, I sure wish that I had learned that lesson sooner - the only persons I hurt were ME and my loving husband.   We did move away from our family and that has been a blessing.  A favourite aunt of mine who carried many many burdens said that "if I dwelled on my burdens, I would have no life, so I focus only on the good things".   We all love her and her life is still "heavy with burdens" (she is over 90) but she is always upbeat.  I think it surprised our son that we could actually survive and thrive without them!

Buy a good mystery book, join a gym, take a college course - whatever - life does go on.  And, sometimes when one least expects it, the wandering ones return.  Enjoy the new year ....

I have myself in pickle.  About a decade ago, the husband of one of my dear friends passed away.  My friend became very very depressed.  To help her get back into world, we started meeting once a week - without fail.  I love her, but honestly, this schedule is too much and the luncheon that used to be fun is not any more.  There could be an easy exit (my husband was ill last year and prefers to spend more time with me) except my friend is very insecure  and has few other friends (she says that she can always count on me - I try to explain that I cannot always be there but...).  Honestly, it appears our outing is her only "fun" time of the week and she constantly reminds me of this.

I don't answer the phone every time she calls, I have been making our luncheons shorter, I am careful what life events I share with her, I have booked appointments on "our day", I have expressed that I haven't been feeling that well (this is true), and I have mentioned that my husband is more demanding since he has been ill (a bit of an exaggeration but not untrue).  I just do not want to hurt her; but I suppose that I already have.   She is not getting  any of my hints (she claims she has ESP). 

Any brainwaves - please don't suggest a heart-to-heart.  Or, just continue as I am - I do want to keep her as a dear friend; but one I see only from time to time.  Frankly, it is getting easier to "not" answer the phone and easier to return only "some" of her calls.  I just wish she had another friend.  Oh - thanks  for letting me vent ...

QuoteI asked them not to see it as disinterest or apathy on my part because it was neither.

Love love love this reply.  Thanks so much wisewoman Luise.

Wisewomen - any ideas?  We have a DIL whom we love very much.  Since we have moved to a retirement location (about 30 minutes away), we do not see our grandchildren as often as we would like.  To further complicate the situation, sadly, the maternal grandmother passed away a couple of years ago (I feel I am supposed to do "double duty").  Whenever we see our son/DIL, our DIL always says that our grandchildren miss us (especially me).  She says to "drop in - you will always be welcome" and that is very true.  However, whenever I try to "drop in" unplanned, no one is home or there is a "strange car or two" in the driveway.  We always "drop in" with a gift when it is someone's birthday (although never have all been there simultaneously even when they knew we were coming).  Our grandson is in international sports, so being home on the weekend and most holidays is rare. 

I did see my family yesterday for Mother's Day where I was reminded that I do not spend enough time with our grandchildren.  Our son drops in from time to time but it is early in the morning or when the kids are at elementary school.  Honestly, I just don't have the energy to pick the kids up and take them to a movie or somewhere and then drive them back home. We try to go to the local sports events involving our grandson, but that is only one or two per year (and even that could be a two-hour drive)  We attend every party and/or invitation that is extended to us (and we reciprocate at most major holidays).  We have a limited amount of energy with some health issues (and, of course, the younger generation does not "get this" - especially our DIL).  Frankly, I am "wore out" (I really do look better than I feel - I guess that is a blessing as well as a curse - LOL).

My husband says we are going to continue "doing what we do".  Any suggestions?

Just a quick update - Forgot that I wrote this posting - everything is going so well with our granddaughter that I hesitate to write (do not want to jinx my "good fortune").  She is back at school doing wonderfully, working part-time and has "found" a couple of really good friends as well as reconnecting with her parents.  She still struggles from time to time; but all in all, her progress is beyond our expectations.  So, sometimes the "sun does shine". 

This year I will reach a significant birthday.  Yet, all I see ahead is "loss".  My parents are now gone (as well as many family members) and tonight I find out a close friend is dying from cancer.  My husband is doing well although he suffered from a major health issue late last year.  Every time I read the paper or talk to someone or even shop for groceries, it seems all I hear about is illness or sadness or death.  Honestly, life seems so overwhelming - isn't retirement supposed to be "the best time of one's life"?  Not really looking for advice - just venting ....  But at times, life seems so bleak and frankly, dark.  Sometimes, it is so hard to continue on ....

Your situation reminds me of my sister-in-law.  When her father passed away, she informed my husband (her brother) that her Dad said that "her brother was now the head of the family".  Family included her mother, her sister, herself, her two sons, and of course, her brother.  It did not include me although I was considered an "outsider who could be present" (by this time we had been married over 40 years).  My husband did not "take over" the family reins and there was a lot of anger and resentment, especially toward me.  She expected us to include her in every part of our lives and once, when we did not, well - I became the estranged family member of a smear campaign.  Like you, my husband did not cater to her whims.  Frankly, she seemed to be unable to get on with her own life without someone to "lead" her.  By the way, she divorced two husbands and both of her sons did very little to accommodate her.  She died a couple of years ago (unnecessarily, I might add) due to stubbornness, entitlement and self-centeredness.  In spite of her actions toward me, I really did like her.

I really believe there was nothing I could have done to change the situation (other than divorcing her brother or dying early).  I was an intruder and would never be accepted.  Sometimes, this is just what it is.  By the way, the first person who noticed how I was treated by my husband's family was my own mother.  I felt that if I tried hard enough, was kind enough and always "available" and/or "give-in", then they would come to "like" me.  It never happened.  My only regret is that I tried so hard and wasted so much time trying to "make things right".  Maybe this is not your situation; however, it does appear to me that your husband has a "handle" on things.  So sorry ....

QuoteSince DH and I started dating MIL has done little things that make me feel excluded. Nothing so mean that I could make a big deal of it, but enough that I feel like she doesn't really think of me as part of her family.

I think Luise "hit the nail on the head".  The above statement describes my sister-in-law and father-in-law (luckily my MIL was absolutely wonderful).  After almost 50 years of marriage, I still am "excluded".  And, it has never changed (unless "servant" duties are required - which I do dutifully because I love my husband). 

There is a way of interacting with those who will never never accept us - it is called "the medium chill".  Basically it involves disengaging emotionally and giving neutral responses to what someone does or says. I wish I knew this method of interacting years ago; but it could work for you (try googling for more information if interested).  I suspect your MIL will never change; my FIL and my SIL "hated" me (and those were their words) for .... actually, I don't know why.  I feel your husband may need to be the one to do the "interacting" with his family, especially after the arrival of the new grandchild.  By the way, my FIL and SIL loved our children; it was just me that was "hated".  It is so not about you ..  so sorry ....

I am just "down" today - our beloved DIL's birthday is this week-end and we offered to drop by on any one of four days - they were busy on all of them (just like Thanksgiving, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Easter and probably Christmas).  There was a letter to an advice columnist, Amy Dickinson, in our local newspaper (a world-wide columnist) concerning the issue "older boomer parents wonder why our children ignore us" - the reply was very astute. I believe that my crediting this columnist with her words, I am able to copy and print them here (if not, Luise, then delete).

Quote
    DEAR DAD: Here's my take: People in your generation (older boomers) raised your own children to occasionally miss a tournament or a birthday party in order to climb into the station wagon and spend time with (and have their cheeks patted by) older family members.

    I'm describing a family structure that was more "top down," where the parents made choices on behalf of the family.

    But there has been a significant shift. First of all, two working parents are working long and hard. But these parents are also exhausted because they assume their children's priorities -- including dropping everything for sports tournaments that are scheduled during national or religious holiday weekends. These parents promote a family structure where everything revolves around their kids.

    I assume that when they're older your grandchildren might see their own parents the way your adult children see you -- as a "waste" of vacation time.

    My advice to you is to accept the parameters and do what you want to do -- but to do your best to love them, regardless. More than ever, young people need to spend time around older relatives.

Just thought of something "why can't I say a word?" -

because I want peace and quiet and calmness (even though it might be la-la land).  At my age, I want/need to see the world through "rose coloured glasses" - I deserve it.  And I am smiling as I write this ...

QuoteDidn't your son and DIL notice you backing away?

In my case, No.

QuoteDo they have a problem accepting blame or responsibility as a general rule?

In my case, Yes.


The ironic part of this situation is that after a decade or so, I have gotten to the point where I just don't care.  I don't want to "make things right for them"; frankly, our son and Dil (this is the newly married one) seem to be doing just fine.  After all, they have children in college - time for "us" to officially "retire" from parenting.

Last Christmas, the gift my husband and I gave to "us" was to put "us" first.  We had never done that; not even when we were first married (catering to the parents on both sides).  What a lifting of burdens!  Oh - no one else has even noticed.  Surprisingly, everyone seems to be getting along better; of course the "close" family connection is not there (it never was after our son married); but, it is good.  As Shiny said - (Just listen, smile, and zip it).  And one more thing - I sleep really well at nights now.  And as Luise said - Some things can't be explained...

Was there no will?  Legally, that is your father's wishes and must be followed. Period.  Equal or not equal.  What does your lawyer say?

QuoteMy mom said forgive as she is losing her mind.

It sounds as if you and your new husband did everything right.  By the way, congratulations!  Often, where there is dementia, the more recent the information, the sooner it "gets lost".  Frankly, I would continue on the same path on which you are taking.  Remember, "one cannot reason with someone who can not reason".  If your MIL complains, just smile and tell her how much you and your husband love her; don't go into excuses, explanations, changing of plans, etc. which will probably only confuse the situation more.  Hopefully, such reassurance of being loved is what she needs.  Good luck ...

Personally, Kjg, I think you are doing "good" - better than I did when our both of our sons' children were born.  Most of us here who are the mothers of sons have come to realize that we are not the primary grandmother.  We are the "other" grandmother (or as one person here has been designated "not the real grandmother").  Seven times in almost five months - frankly, that is good (not fair, but good).  It seems that you are on the right path even though (in your words) "crushed".  Keep inviting them to holiday functions, offer from time to time to babysit (I found having my husband contact our son worked more favourably) and sometimes (not too often) contact them through the mail (either computer or postal).  And, as Luise said, "expand your life in different directions", include new friends, reconnect with old friends - life can be good again.  By the way, I do not think this situation is anyone's fault - what is the old saying "a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life; a son is a son until he takes a wife".  Really, you are doing well - it's not fair (and it will never be fair) - but you are doing well.  And, congratulations on the birth of your first grandchild.

QuoteObviously the mil did or said something for the dil to have a problem with her.

Not necessarily.  We were accused of things we never said, never did, ere never even thought.  People with mental health issues usually misconstrue words, actions and attitudes.  Unfortunately, it took me years to figure this out and years to realize why our ex-DIL was so - shall we say - difficult.  Usually, things are not black and white.  Of course the opposite could be the situation - the MIL having mental health issues and the DIL being the "victim".