March 28, 2024, 06:08:23 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - Stilllearning

436
Grab Bag / Re: TPBM Game
September 23, 2013, 05:53:54 PM
I hated history and loved science and math.  Unusual for a girl I think.

Question:

What was your most embarrassing moment?  Remeber, you can be honest since we will not reveal your secret!  LOL
437
Herbal, you should take comfort in the fact that when they reach our age they will be complaining about the manners of the younger generation too.  Once upon a time the sight of a woman's ankle was enough to whisper about for weeks.  Chances are that at some point in time your grandparents thought you were uppity, sassy or ill mannered....all code words for a loss of etiquette.  I am just glad I won't have to deal with their children (as parents).  Next generation does not have much more skin they can expose LOL!  I really worry about them deciding that all of their tats and piercings should be exposed!   
438
Why stop at the fountain pen?  For hundreds of years we have advanced in technology and for every older generation there has been a lament about the loss of some very worthwhile skill.  I think it is important to try to teach our children the old ways (I still sew on a treadle sewing machine and keep a hurricane lamp around for emergencies) but requiring them to use the old tools would be like someone requiring that you use a chalkboard for your grocery list.  Let's face it, snail mail is going away.  I just appreciate it if they let me know that they got whatever I sent them.  They can call, text or email me and I am happy!  Besides, once you adjust your expectations you will be happier.  I like happier!

439
I just have to wonder Tree.....did your ex abuse you before you were married?  The true colors of a person are often concealed until after the wedding.  Your children may be right.  We do tend to make the same mistake over and over again in picking partners until we get ourselves straightened out.  Sinking your entire life into your children was a wonderful thing to do.  You did everything for them and now that they are gone you went looking for a replacement.  I think you found one.

My hope for you is that you can start looking in your mirror and seeing a wonderful person.  A woman who has done great things for her children.  A woman who does not need anyone to make her feel complete.  A woman who is happy on her own, self sufficient and fun to be around.  You really have a lot to be proud of.  Focus on that for a while and see what happens.
440
What a wonderful thing to have a website where I can say this anonymously!  I hate housework and I have never been very good at keeping up with it!  There are two unfolded baskets of clothes in my den now :)  My MIL has always been nice enough to give me enough time to clean up before she shows up, Thank goodness!!  I am not, however, lazy.  I garden, help with yard work, trim bushes, hike, camp and love to cook and put up vegetables.  My kitchen varies between looking like a battle zone and being fairly clean but never immaculate.  Sometimes the dust bunnies get out of hand (they do multiply!) and I do allow my cat to sleep on the beds.  Sometimes he is dirty and some of it does transfer.  My house is currently overstuffed but I know that the week after I throw something out I will need it LOL!  I kept thinking that my son would want some of this furniture when he moved out.....wrong!  Now I have all of these family heirlooms, some expensive antiques, and I don't know what to do with them!  Selling them seems wrong but keeping them in the hopes that someone will want them?  Ugh! 

Anyway, if I were you I would back out of the situation entirely!  Tell your son that you will help your DIL if she requests it.  Do not do anything unless your DIL asks you to and do not offer to do anything extra.  Make her ask.  She will probably clean it up on his urging and if she does not the he needs to fix things, not you! 
441
Bethe we all understand where you are coming from!  We expect our adult children to want to keep in touch and it hurts so badly when they don't want to.  We spent years taking care of them and they just turn their backs on us!  So now you are faced with two possibilities.  You can either sit at home and wish for something you are not going to get ....or not!  You are free!!  Go enjoy life!  You did a wonderful job raising your kids....so good that they don't need you now.  Perfect!  Spend today making a list of things you want to do for you and start thinking of ways to make that list happen!  Try to embrace the "No news is good news" attitude.  Change your focus from them to you.  You really deserve it! 
442
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Dear daughte
September 02, 2013, 07:48:13 PM
Greetings willow!  I am sorry you had to find us but glad you did.  Try to remember that the only power that someone else has over your happiness is the power you give them.  It may be time to take back the power that you have entrusted to your DD.  Focus on the things in your life that make you happy. 
443
Have you thought about agreeing with your sister?  Tell her that you are having a difficult time and that you need a break.  See if she can come to town and take over for a week so that you can get away and recharge your batteries.  You definitely need a break, and your sister might get a dose of reality.  Even if your mother treats her nice for the whole time you and your DH get a well deserved vacation and your Dad gets some company and maybe your Mom will start feeling better.  Sometimes when we stop being defensive we win.  Just a thought.....
444
It sounds to me like you were bound to have some sort of issue with your DIL.  For anyone to go to such extremes over something so simple and easily corrected says tons about your DIL and her control issues and possibly her fears.  I take it that the GD is their first child and is fairly young?  When we have children (especially first ones) we tend to believe that we can do everything right.  You know, be a perfect parent (because our parents messed up so bad, LOL), raise a perfect child and life will be just rosy.  That first child usually shatters that little bubble.  Some time, sooner or later your GD will display some horrible trait (normal of course but horrible for the 'perfect child' to display) like biting or bullying or something.  Trust me, the sooner this happens the better for both the child and the parents.  Hopefully when this happens your DIL and DS will cut both themselves and you a break by facing the fact that you can never do everything right.

So, for now I would back off.  Your DS and DIL have lessons to learn and your GD is well equipped to teach them.  My first GC arrived a week ago and to be honest, I am looking forward to some attitude changes from their parents too.  Good luck to both of us!
445
Grab Bag / Re: Tough Day......Looking For Some Support
August 19, 2013, 03:58:41 PM
Louise, even though your friend's "rots" are sweet there are few burglars who would count on it.  If they hear a big dog they avoid it.  Actually if they hear a dog at all most of the time they will choose another place!  Even small dogs are loud, arouse suspicion and provide an annoyance that most thieves would prefer not to encounter.  I would get a dog that is not aggressive but sounds an alarm and maybe  tell my neighbors that he/she is mean.  Word will get around but you do not have to worry about possible injuries to people you like.   
446
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: brokenhearted
August 19, 2013, 06:04:10 AM
Oh LS, you sound just like my SIL except she is happily married , no abuse and her DS was never abused or shuffled from home to home.  He always got everything he needed.  When time came for college he just did not feel like going.  Unfortunately he did not feel like getting a job either.  After about a year of housing him for free and putting up with him blaming his parents for everything wrong in his life my SIL first gave him the ultimatum and when he did not get a job she showed him the door.  Multiple dramas later, some including the police, he is in jail.  When he gets out he will be on probation and his parents have a restraining order out on him.  There is a substance abuse problem involved here too.

My heart just aches for my SIL and her DH! I want to grab my nephew and shake some sense into him.  Unfortunately when our children get to a certain age there is little we are allowed to do to help.  Advice is unwanted and monetary contributions are accepted as if the adult child is entitled to it.  If you try to help it is enabling, if you don't try to help it is abandonment.  What everyone needs is for the adult child to grow up. 

So, what is it that signifies the crossing of the bridge between childhood and maturity?  In my opinion you have crossed that bridge when you no longer blame anyone else for the problems in your life.  When you firmly take the reigns along with the responsibility for which way your life goes.  When you stop feeling sorry for yourself because of the way you were raised and decide that the rest of your life does not have to be a certain way because of your youth.  Each of us is a miracle.  There were hundreds of ova and thousands of sperm that had no chance of becoming what we are lucky enough to be.  There are chemical reactions going on in our bodies that even the most learned people are still trying to understand.  How could anyone not be amazed by the bodies we are all provided?  How could we blame our parents, the very people who are responsible for the ova/sperm combination that we are, for making our lives miserable?  This is, in and of itself, a sign that we are immature.  It is up to us to make our lives happy.

Happy, what a wonderful thought.  So, what makes us happy?   In my opinion happiness has three parts.

1) Acceptance of our current condition no matter what it is
2) Setting a goal to change our current condition and working toward that goal
3) Attaining that goal

All of this explains why lottery winners are so unhappy, in fact the ultra rich tend to be unhappy because happiness does not reside in what we have but in what we do.

OK, now for your son.  Just the fact that you blame yourself for his current condition and you blame your adoptive parents for your condition says a lot.  Your first job is to be happy!  When you work on getting yourself happy you will be showing your son how to work on getting himself happy.  You can only change yourself or as the saying I have posted on my mirror says "For things to change, first I must change". 

I am not telling you to let him stay at your house, that decision is yours alone to make.  I am telling you that if you can make yourself happy things will change and assuming that you are responsible for your son's happiness will hamper his maturity. 

Good luck!
447
A change in personality like you describe is reason for medical alarm.  I would find time to talk to my DF alone, even if I had to enlist my siblings and make someone visit to take Mom shopping.  See if he has noticed the changes in her and ask if her memory is holding up.  There can be any number of reasons for a personality change in an elderly parent.  Your DM may be really scared by the first stages of dementia or Alzhiemers, diseases that no one faces easily.  Often the first stages include changes in behavior and sometimes dependence on alcohol.  DF will not want to face it either but if you can get her in for a diagnosis then there are meds to slow the progression and deal with the hostility.   

Whatever the reason my heart goes out to you and your father and yes, even your mother.  Getting old is no fun.  Being the care giver of adult parents is often a thankless job full of self recriminations and doubt.  You certainly do not need to have your DM criticizing your every move on top of all that!  Go and visit when you can but do not let the visits and the bad feelings bleed into the rest of your life.  Try to section it off and only think about it when you must.  A situation like this has a tendency to suck all of the fun out of your life and your children do not deserve that.  Take some time for you!

It also might be time for you to tag your siblings about helping out.  At the very least you need to have some time off.  Plan a vacation or go visit distant relatives.  Enjoy!!
448
Well. I would kiss Kirk!!  I will trust you to kiss him for me!  Thank you both!!!! ;D
449
Well I put on my clown suit and pasted a smile on and visited again yesterday.  Fortunately her FOO was not there while we visited.  It made me feel less on edge.  Her mother is really quite nice but....well, it does not extend any further into the family tree.  We took an artificial flower arrangement because it needs no attention and they will both have their hands full.  It actually went very well and I am starting to be hopeful that we might have some sort of a relationship.  Time will tell and trust me.....those chickens have definitely not hatched.  I still may end up with rotten eggs.....

Thanks for all the input and well wishes!  You wonderful ladies have been my life savers and my DH would kiss each one of you if he could!  He has noticed the change in me and his relief is palpable.  I would not have been able to do this six months ago......Thank you again!
450
Yes!  That is it!!  The question is ....Am I laying another paving stone or not???