I posted a couple months ago about my 17 year old son. We have not been in contact since his hate filled FB letter in December enumerating my maternal sins.
This is his senior year in High School, and he is my last child of 6. The final spring band concert is tomorrow night, and I have decided to go. I'm not going to try to talk to him or even say hello. I just want to make an appearance, and let him see that I still care about him and want to see him. I want him to see that despite that letter, I still love him.
I am going with no expectations, but I would be a liar if I said I'm going with no hope. I do have hope. I hope it will make a difference. He is young, and I haven't given up hope yet. But you know what? I'm scared.
Scared of my own kid. Scared of further rejection. Scared of the looks from teachers and parents who know I have had no contact with my son since December. (I don't even know that anyone knows this...)
Scared of my own hope.
I will be thinking of you. You have your self respect and your knowledge that you did your best...tuck them into a pocket over your heart and take them with you. Others' perceptions and options and reactions are of their making, not yours. They reflect their limitations, not yours. Sending love...
I have been saying this for years. Fb ruins lives. My dd just loves
To post all her rants and raves about me on their too. Its embarassing
And untrue. But we just have to remember we did our best
Raising them and hope some day they realize that
Good luck be strong and i hope it goes well for you
Dear CM, Boy I think there is something really messed up with the world when a mother has to be afraid to watch her own child at school at a band concert! First thing I thought of was dumb kids! Sorry but that seems to be soooo very true here. God bless you, and I respect your strength and courage. I hope he will see what a mother is truly made of. Nothing that he is made of that is for sure.
CM, we will all be there with you. You're doing the right thing.
Attend the event with grace, dignity, and kindness. Keep your head up. Be cool, keep emotions in check. I like to wear a piece of jewelry or some other accessory that will remind me that I'm a confident woman with every right to be there & to stay calm and collected. Make sure you feel confident by having time to dress/prepare and not be in a big rush.
Best wishes!
Dear CM, You wont like this but ........why set yourself up for a fall ? At the moment I know you're hurting but imagine how you'll feel if your worst scenario happens and there is a scene ? I hope this doesn't happen and things go well , I just worry.for you . Wear your best armour CM , good luck .
I'll be thnking of you and hope for the best at the concert . Letting him know you still care is a very postive no matter how hard it is going to be ,in the end it will be to your benefit. Good luck
I'm sure you know I've walked in your shoes, Constantmargaret. This isn't a black/white call, all of us are different and one decision may work for one of us and not another. All the responses were good I thought, and I loved Pen's response about going with dignity, your head held high. I tend to lean this way, CM. I went to a lot of events whilst under my own DS's unloving attitude of me. I went 42 hrs one way on a g/h bus to attend his military graduation, still dealing with a very serious injury that had nearly completely blinded me in one of my eyes. I went to high school grad, stood in the background. All those things hurt, but I don't have any regrets. I fully plan to attend college grad this fall, and all things that I know are important milestones for my DS, the only disqualifier being that if he should point blank tell me not to come.
I also think its a very sad place we have come to, where we not only have to fear the personal private agonizing accusations and rejections of our a/c, but they can now be published free of charge to the free world. It hurts very much. Personally, I would go if I were you. Your DS is very young, Margaret. They can be so brain dead at 18 and slow to mature and think abstractly. I've been doing some research in this area lately, and am shocked at just how naive and uninformed I've been about this subject. Go with confidence, and with patience that this is a waiting game, and each stone you lay is only going into the foundation, which you will have to wait to see the structure come to a whole. I would not try and approach him, but leave immediately after it is over. Don't give him any sense of power or gratification in seeing you weak. We are strong women, we can take a lot. I often think of Eleanor Roosevelt and how she lived with such dignity and strength, refusing to go down to the level of her critics. I am confident in your loving and sweet heart, Margaret, and that in time this will all be changed. Have faith.
I so know how you feel. My DS's last two years of HS were awful and he was not a nice person. He didn't get into any serious trouble, but he was the kind of person that went out of his way to be a jerk. He didn't graduate from this HS, because he simply blew off a couple of classes. I didn't even know about one of them and the school never informed me. I will be honest and say that I had kind of given up by that point. There was no way I could force him to do his homework, so I just let it ride and let him deal with the consequences.
My FOO had a lot to do with his issues. My M had decided to compete with me for his affection. She taught him to lie to her about what was actually going on, spoiled him, went behind my back to help him get around punishment, talked badly about me and DH with him and in front of him and many other things. The rest of the FOO went along with it.
We live in a small town, our two DDs did very well in school, and DH and I both work at the college in town, so we are well known. It is impossible to go to the grocery store without several people we don't know saying "hi" to us. Going anywhere was hard, because I just knew that people were looking at me and thinking, "Oh, that is So and So's Mom." You can't help but feel like a failure when your kid is choosing to fail.
Even though he didn't graduate, they let him participate in the graduation ceremony. We didn't do anything for him, because he didn't actually graduate, but I did attend the ceremony. My FOO all went to the ceremony, threw him a big party and gave him lots of gifts for not graduating. Going to that ceremony alone was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but I am glad I did it and he appreciated it even if he couldn't tell me at the time.
So, go, let him see you, don't approach him or speak to him. Respect his boundaries. Let him come to you, but don't be surprised if he doesn't. It will be worth the effort in the long run.
My DS just visited us, he is now 23 and the visit went great. He apologized for how awful he was and thanked us for putting up with him. He isn't speaking to most of my FOO and is avoiding the rest. After graduation, he got out of Dodge as quickly as he could, causing as much damage as he could. Along the way, he learned that there was value in what DH and I were trying to teach him and that my M had used him badly to get to me. He pulled his life together despite all of us and is in school now to be an engineer. I am very proud of him.
Wow!
I am so touched by every response here. Thank you one and all.
I think I'm still hopeful because my son is young. He is just repeating the garbage he hears about me from his father. My kids were all subject to that. This isn't my first rodeo. I've had other kids cut me out of their lives only to return later like nothing ever happened.
LL, I appreciate your concern, and believe me, I have imagined the worst. My son grabs the mic from the band leader, flips me off from stage and gives me his best shot, "You are a lousy mother and a gold digger and a lazy mooch who expects my father to support you and you won't let me smoke in your house and there was no food in the house when I was hungry!" (I know I don't have to defend myself from those ridiculous accusations to you wise women, but there was always plenty of food on his bedroom floor.)
I just wouldn't feel right not going. Anything he can do to me short of physical harm has already been done. He's played all his trump cards.
I will go and make all you ladies proud of me. I will be holding onto my husband and daughter for support, but my son will not see my fear. He will see the strong, beautiful, caring, loving, smiling and forgiving person who has loved him his entire life. What he does with that is up to him.
I can't tell you all how much I appreciate that you took time to respond to my post when I know that many of you have worse problems than an immature and clueless teenager. Big group hug. I will let you know how it turns out, and I will wear my biggest pendant as a shield over my heart. You will all be there with me.
Sending you lots of support, CM. Let us know how things go.
What an angel you are, I'm almost wiping tears, Margaret, you have inspired me today and given me a lot to think about! I loved the 'bedroom floor' comment that was a real classic, Margaret. Go on to that concert and give 'em heck because you have paid your dues.
You go Girl!!...We're all in your corner. Amen
Ok, I'm back alive, sort of.
The concert was bittersweet. My son looked great. Thinned out, matured. Played the drums amazingly well. Had all the most challenging parts. Had a speaking part introducing the band leader. I just feasted my eyes on his face all night. Pushed back the tears. Squeezed my poor husband's hand off. I don't know if he ever saw that we were there. I'm going to send a little card saying we enjoyed the concert, that he did a wonderful job, and that I'm proud of him. If he chucks it in the trash, I won't know, but I want him to know I was there.
The one thing that did happen that I could never have planned for and that I totally didn't see coming wrecked me before I ever got out the front door. I mentioned that my daughter was attending the concert with me and my husband. I asked her last night if she would go with me to support me and she agreed.
Background....this DD is 25, has graduated from our state University, then decided to do a 2 year certificate program in dental hygiene. She's broke, like me, and to support her, I have allowed her to live here with my husband and me, room and board free. I can't really contribute financially to her education, but she can live here. I don't ask much (anything) of her. She is a happy go lucky girl with a charming personality. I love her, but how can I say this? She is kind of a user. She does nothing here to help out, unless I specifically ask. People love her, take her out for drinks, her father makes her car payments and insurance and gives her a gas card. Her friend pays for a gym membership that she can take her to. I usually get along fine with her, because I don't require much (anything) from her.
So she agrees to come to her brother's concert with me tonight for support. She comes home to get ready, and informs me that she will be giving her father a ride to the concert, then meet us in the auditorium. Well, being wound tight as a three day clock all day, I lost it. I specifically asked her to come WITH me to support me. She knows her father is my mortal enemy. She knows what her father has done over the years to denigrate me in my children's eyes. She knows we despise one another.He is the reason my son hates me. We got into an argument before the concert. She claimed she couldn't say no to her dad because he pays for her car. I said, you don't have a problem saying no to me, after you already said you would go with me, and you live here in my house. We yelled at each other, she called me immature and retarded and said she felt like she was 14 again getting caught in the middle. I said you could have said, "I'm sorry Dad, I can't give you a ride as I already told mom I would ride with her." Blah blah blah
30 minutes before the concert we were both red eyed from crying. I told her I didn't even want her to come with me anymore. Later she apologized, but curiously, I didn't feel inclined to forgive her and I haven't really yet. She called her older brother and asked him to give his father a ride so we did end up going together and sitting together, but the essence was lost.
It was like a sniper attack. I was so focused on my son and xh and any possible thing they could do to hurt me, but I didn't expect friendly fire. I know I was sensitive and under ordinary circumstances this wouldn't have ruffled me. But tonight I had had enough. She is old enough to see how things are, and old enough to know I was asking for her support for a reason. I told her I was asking her to come with me because I was nervous. She was too weak to stand up for what's right. And I am sick of her selfishness. I rarely ask for anything. The one time I do, she picks the one person to favor over me I hate more than I can describe, and then calls me retarded for getting upset.
I hate kids.
Dear CM, I am so very sorry that happened. Somehow it seems that Mom's feelings are always on the bottom of the list. I have felt that same pain many times with 6 children. I guess the one good thing is that you stayed true to your heart and stood up for the way you feel. Everyone else gets to do that. The older I get the more your statement "I hate kids" has crossed my mind also. I wish sometimes they would just get that Mom is not superwoman; she is just a woman with a heart that breaks just like everyone else's. I guess your DD knows a little more about the depth of your feelings now, and she eventually did do what she should have from the beginning. You stood tall and did not falter despite it all. I just want you to know I think you are doing all the right things.
CM, it sounds as if DD got the message though. Sorry to hear your enjoyment of the concert was marred by the argument, but it's good that DD finally honored her commitment to you. Moms seem to take the brunt of it all sometimes; and they used to call us "the weaker sex." Ha!
Margaret, this puts me in mind of old Apollyon straddling the path of poor Christian's pilgrimage to the celestial City. We never win any of these important battles without bloodshed. We're naive to think that we can take the land back without a bloody battle. Nevertheless, you won this one, albeit you were wounded in the process. The wound will heal, it is only superficial and you will proceed to the next big one. Keep your eyes on the goal, Margaret. Ignore these skirmishes. I have a similar one of these (DD) as you. I've already walked that annoying path as many of us here have. You're always on clean up duty and its a thankless job. As I say often, its just a waiting game, but I'm so proud of you Margaret. You did the right thing and you should be proud of yourself.
Thanks everyone.
I swear you care about my feelings more than my own self centered daughter.
I have received more empathy from virtual strangers than my family. How sad is that?
Sad and yet miraculous.
Well, I have dd's dental graduation, ds's high school graduation, FDIL's wedding shower and DS's wedding to get through, I'll probably be back with more stomach churning drama.
Sometimes I can't believe this is my life. On a brighter note, our touring bikes are being shipped as we speak. I really cannot wait to sell this house and leave this town in the rearview mirror. California here I come. Thanks again WW.
CM, how wonderful that you have a prize at the end of all the stressful events. Touring bikes sound like a great way to forget all the other stuff. Good for you!
I would send your DD to live with her father. A "sort of a user" pulls a stunt that she knows will upset you at the last minute and then starts yelling at you.......I would let her go use someone else and never ever ask her for moral support again. She didn't just drop the ball, she threw a grenade at you.....and then inferred that you didn't react well to the grenade.
I would get her packing and ship her somewhere, anywhere, and get the grenades out of my house.
KG
KG, No argument from me.
She hasn't shown her face here since that episode. Just texts. She must be off using her brother for room and board. >:(I have not cooled off, which I thought I might. I said something to my husband this morning that was almost word for word what you posted.
It also unfortunately has the "straw that broke the camel's back" effect. Now I'm remembering all the times she used me in the past and I'm seething and ready to pack up her belongings and set them out on the front lawn.
You don't have to worry about me ever asking her for moral support again. I'd rather have root canals on all my teeth in the same day.
Quote from: Keys Girl on April 15, 2012, 08:04:27 AM
I would send your DD to live with her father. A "sort of a user" pulls a stunt that she knows will upset you at the last minute and then starts yelling at you.......I would let her go use someone else and never ever ask her for moral support again. She didn't just drop the ball, she threw a grenade at you.....and then inferred that you didn't react well to the grenade.
I would get her packing and ship her somewhere, anywhere, and get the grenades out of my house.
KG
I find this kind of attack the most insidious of all. Not only does it serve to deflect the blame from its own guilty self, it takes the nastiness a step further by reducing the target to self doubt and if at all possible, a guilty conscience, hence putting itself back into the drivers seat. I know we can't always oust these individuals from our lives, we often have to live with them, work for them, etc., but the less fragile we are the more we are able to throw the ball back into their court. The hard thing is to respond without rage, because then 'they' have hit their target.
Ruth it sounds like you know my children.
Today my self doubt turned to full blown paranoia. It's a conspiracy! They are all on their father's payroll, trying to make me crack!
I'm lucky I have a husband to pull me back from the edge, and women like y'all here who remind me I'm not crazy, it just seems that way sometimes.
I don't know what I dread more, a confrontation, or her breezing in here acting like nothing happened.
I know that pain. Some days are really really hard. Some days you just have to hold on and wait for the next one. In my experience, it requires stamina. The problem isn't going away today and many days I just have to be able to tolerate pain and live some quality of life along side of it. I try to just cherish the victories, and be a realist in knowing that I'm living in a world that more often than not isn't kind, isn't fair, isn't unselfish. Even the Lord said, 'these kind go out only by prayer and fasting'. Stay strong, Margaret.
Lol Ruth, wasn't that verse referring to demons?
Sometimes I wonder about that, given their father....
Yes!!
You are right, Ruth, these kinds of attacks are like torpedos coming at you beneath a calm sea, sadly one of my dearest friends married one of these passive aggressive types and he has spread around more hostility towards her children, family and friends that I've felt like taking a baseball bat to him and taking out his knees. It's a good think the Hitler Youth wasn't around when he was growing up, he would have been a leading candidate for SS school. I worked with an individual who was unspeakably cruel (I worried the other person might commit suicide) but always covered it up so everyone else thought he was a "good guy". I did a lot of reading on passive aggressive individuals and (my son is one) one conclusion from a number of sources was "get away from them", that you can never "win" when dealing with them, that they will twist everything and anything to insist that you are the "bad guy". I've found that if you shut them out of your life, they contact people who can convey their "Can't we still be friends again" message. These people don't like to be ignored, you have the power to say "No" to them and they like having the power to shower everyone with their hostility, get everyone upset, and then look for sympathy when people react to their provocation. You are right, you can't shut all these people out of your life, but you can ignore them as much as possible, put up huge barriers to make it more difficult for them to reach you (don't return phone messages, texts, emails, etc.) I think the only possibility is to try to make those people jump through a hoop to speak to you, and not jump through theirs when they treat you with all the courtesy of a boa constrictor. I'm moving the few people like this in my life from Facebook to Google + so I can put them in a circle and shut them out. I'm using the phrase "I'm migrating a few special people from Facebook to Google +, would you like to be one of those people?"no matter what they say.......I'll delete them from Facebook, ignore them on Google + and not have to delete them totally because then they would then go ballistic.
So my motto is: "Dump the drek, and dump the doubt" with the simple response "Nonsense" when anyone starts throwing their blame-shifting around. I also recommend using technology......get a hearing aid, even if you don't need one and take it out and "forget it" on the coffee table. It's not your fault if you can't hear them, the batteries aren't working, my mother-in-law used to do that when she got older and didn't like the conversation.
They are a nasty bunch, no doubt about it and it's incredibly hard to deal with the fact that one of your children might be one of these saboteurs and yes, it's incredibly difficult to prevent the rage but that's what they want, the ability to provoke a negative response from you (more than well deserved, of course) that will allow them to plead for sympathy and play the "Poor Me" role.
PS. ConstantMargaret, yup they are on their father's payroll, forget about cracking, you aren't, just get a few eggs and make an omelette.
Quote from: Ruth on April 16, 2012, 06:58:20 AM
Quote from: Keys Girl on April 15, 2012, 08:04:27 AM
I would send your DD to live with her father. A "sort of a user" pulls a stunt that she knows will upset you at the last minute and then starts yelling at you.......I would let her go use someone else and never ever ask her for moral support again. She didn't just drop the ball, she threw a grenade at you.....and then inferred that you didn't react well to the grenade.
I would get her packing and ship her somewhere, anywhere, and get the grenades out of my house.
KG
I find this kind of attack the most insidious of all. Not only does it serve to deflect the blame from its own guilty self, it takes the nastiness a step further by reducing the target to self doubt and if at all possible, a guilty conscience, hence putting itself back into the drivers seat. I know we can't always oust these individuals from our lives, we often have to live with them, work for them, etc., but the less fragile we are the more we are able to throw the ball back into their court. The hard thing is to respond without rage, because then 'they' have hit their target.
Quote from: Ruth on April 16, 2012, 11:19:10 AM
The problem isn't going away today and many days I just have to be able to tolerate pain and live some quality of life along side of it. I try to just cherish the victories, and be a realist in knowing that I'm living in a world that more often than not isn't kind, isn't fair, isn't unselfish.
I agree one hundred percent.
I think we can only keep our integrity by being ourselves even in the face of adversity. Display kindness, understanding for the plight of others etc. but at the same time keep a watchful eye on people who exploit or even undermine our positive characteristics. Then we have to shut down. I tend to turn my back on situations where I can't win but I'm not sure whether this is the right way, and I admire you for entering the 'lion's den' for the sake of your son and expose yourself to so much pain, constantmargret. You did the right thing under the circumstances. I believe in years to come your presence there will count and after all, you saw your son perform well. That's a huge bonus and a wonderful item in your memory bank. We tend to forget the bad experiences in time, and that one will shine through. :)
And yes FB ruins lives, I agree, that's why I'm not on it any more! Beware!
I agree, FS. Even though I'm not on FB I hear enough of DS/DIL & her FOO's shenanigans through well-meaning friends who are astounded that our family is never mentioned in DS/DIL's posts, as if we weren't on that vacation or out at that event w/them. DIL's FOO is mentioned constantly. Too much pain for me!
And don't forget, it would probably be in HER best interest to go ahead and make other living arrangements since you are selling the house, getting the bikes and leaving....just thinking of HER well-being.... ;D
I'm thinking Independence Day. What do you think? Time enough to graduate and get a job somewhere far far away.
She just came home, grabbed some stuff and told me she would be staying the night at her brother's house. She's probably going to give one of her award winning performances where she'll end up with new living arrangements, and my son will think it was all his idea. Plus he'll probably buy into her version of what happened and jump on the let's hate mom wagon.
Oddly enough, nobody ever seems very interested in my version. Why is that?
And can anyone give me the secret to caring less?
Quote from: constantmargaret on April 17, 2012, 01:45:12 PM
And can anyone give me the secret to caring less?
Well, as I've gotten older and taken so much battering from life, most of the peripheral stuff has lost its power to hurt me any more. But the transverse is true as far as 'caring' for them, the love in its real purest form grows and grows and sometimes I wonder if it will ever reach its limit, but I don't think so. This is the sticking point about life.
Quote from: constantmargaret on April 17, 2012, 01:45:12 PM
And can anyone give me the secret to caring less?
Maybe it's not caring less but creating more in your life otherwise so that the family situation moves into the background? For me, I liken it to watching TV - if it's a bad show and I keep watching every day, my bad. I need to get up off the couch and do something else, or at least change the channel.
Maybe let your 'mom' role recede and let your 'wife' role have a little fun?
I never got to caring less when my eldest son was alive but I learned to focus elsewhere. I think it's true the what we focus on expands. Sending love...
The things I read here do truly help me daily.
I am not going to stop caring, but I'm going to stop paying so much attention to this girl. I'm going to focus on painting my house so I can sell it. I'm going to focus on my business. And Doe, I'm going to focus on my husband. Let's see what effect that has, not only on the DD, but on me, my well being, and my marriage.
Caring less is just not possible and we wouldn't be who we are if we did.
But re-focusing is a good move. And when there is still a DH around, that's even better. I'm sure he'll love being fussed over after years of taking second place after the children.
I read somewhere that parents are only as happy as their most unhappy child, there is truth in that.
Why do youngsters 'hate mum' or MIL or in fact many adults who don't agree with what they want - I'm not sure but from my own experience I can say that I wasn't a good daughter either. My father was born in Germany in 1892. I was his first child. He was 58 when I was born. As a young child I must have been the apple of his eyes. When I was a teenager with an old father, I was inconsiderate of his needs - just a normal teenager really but under the circumstances it wasn't good for him. I just took him for granted. He died aged 76.
Now in my 60's I realise what he had gone through in his life, two World Wars, the horrible 12 years of the fascist regime, the post war years with famine and poverty etc. If I could have my time over I would be different and very very kind to him always. This is an extreme example because of the historical situation but I think some children are thoughtless when it comes to us because they don't have the experience of life and think they know it all. Later, when they are older, they will change and see the error of their ways as I have done. We can only hope that we will be around then to hear their apologies and forgive.
Have a good day everyone in the virtual family. :)
Thank you for that. I wasn't the greatest daughter either when I was younger. Certainly not the worst, but I'm sure I hurt their feelings at times. I guess the only difference is that I wouldn't have dared to say the things my kids have said to me to my parents.
I did once say to my mother I never wanted to be like her. Now I could cut my tongue out for saying that. Now I wish I were more like her. My screen name is for her.
My plan is to wait till my kids are 30 before I consider them fully baked. Till then they're still kind of doughy in the middle. My 30 and 28 year olds are great people, and also now parents themselves. They have both told me they are sorry they were so awful to me growing up, and that does help. I can focus on these 2 while the other 4 go through their ugly transformations. (just like I did, I guess)
Margaret, I fear you may have to wait past 30. My a/c are both in 30's and have not yet left childhood behind (one at least that I know of, the other is a closed book). When I was in my 30's and suffering for them, I always pictured this decade of my life as being satisfying, fulfilling, sharing my love and thoughts with my a/c as peers now and no longer as children, but that has not been the case. So I just continue to go forward, and allow them to run their own courses.
Quote from: forever spring on April 17, 2012, 10:16:23 PM
Caring less is just not possible and we wouldn't be who we are if we did.
Why do youngsters 'hate mum' or MIL or in fact many adults who don't agree with what they want - I'm not sure but from my own experience I can say that I wasn't a good daughter either. My father was born in Germany in 1892. I was his first child. He was 58 when I was born. As a young child I must have been the apple of his eyes. When I was a teenager with an old father, I was inconsiderate of his needs - just a normal teenager really but under the circumstances it wasn't good for him. I just took him for granted. He died aged 76.
Now in my 60's I realise what he had gone through in his life, two World Wars, the horrible 12 years of the fascist regime, the post war years with famine and poverty etc. If I could have my time over I would be different and very very kind to him always. This is an extreme example because of the historical situation but I think some children are thoughtless when it comes to us because they don't have the experience of life and think they know it all. Later, when they are older, they will change and see the error of their ways as I have done. We can only hope that we will be around then to hear their apologies and forgive.
Have a good day everyone in the virtual family. :)
This was a very touching letter for me. I believe you have allowed all your life experiences to enrich your capacity to love and your insight and compassion to come into its fullest flower, Forever Spring, it seems you have chosen the most appropriate name for yourself that I can imagine! This depth of insight and understanding comes at a very high price, does it not? I believe the end of the story has not been written, and there will yet come a day that you will express to your DF in just such loving terms as these, how much his life and influence has meant to you, and all it taught you, and I also expect that even now he is aware of these things. This morning I woke up thinking about something Luise said yesterday, about whatever we focus on grows. Its so easy to allow our minds to run their natural course, and just ruminate on injustices we've suffered, and relationships we want fixed right now so we can feel better, and feel like our lives are in good order. You shared something for me to reach for, in setting my sights above that today. You're a good girl!
Quote from: constantmargaret on April 17, 2012, 01:45:12 PM
And can anyone give me the secret to caring less?
Margaret, I now think of our capacity for care like a big jug. Suppose there are 100 oz., and beforehand, especially when he was young, my son's care and working to make sure we had a roof over our head and food on the table took 99 oz., there was 1 oz left for me. I still had a lot of oz. for my son as he got older, but now with the hostilities the last couple of years and especially the blood pressure problems, I'm keeping just about all the oz. for myself, the get myself into the best physical shape I can at this point and to work on ways of living my life that keep me happy and fulfilled.
Someone once told me that teenagers are predators, they suck the will to live out of the family and then in their 20's they morph into a decent human being.........that was a while back, I would move the age up to 40 for this generation.
Quote from: Keys Girl on April 18, 2012, 07:11:51 AM
Quote from: constantmargaret on April 17, 2012, 01:45:12 PM
And can anyone give me the secret to caring less?
Someone once told me that teenagers are predators, they suck the will to live out of the family and then in their 20's they morph into a decent human being.........that was a while back, I would move the age up to 40 for this generation.
Thank you Keys Girl. And it also reminds me of Pooh's spoon story.
My husband prefers the word parasite. :D
Well, if I have to wait till my kids reach the age of 40, I'm not going to grow moss in the meantime. I'm going to enjoy my freedom. Let them catch me!
I think we never stop caring but it seems some of us are just so deep into caring while i know others folks not on here that seem to be able to let it go and not let it bother them. I just wish for us here that we all had more of that but from all the posts I've read we all are so caring but I'd rather care deeply and be who I am . If I understand it right then you have 6 ac, that is great and so you can see how different they all are . I too am trying to refocus as all have said to do here and I' do get things done but this poor old brain that has the two little peas running around up there still goes back to thinking about my dd, new gs and sil more than i should i guess , so when i do that i sit at the computer , type it out to all of you so then i feel so much better . Waiting to hear all the new adventures you do to refocus you need to share . hugs
I refocus by writing and researching my family history. I'm retired now and have no access to my GKs - so lots of time on my hand. I'm using this time to write the history - if it becomes a world best seller you'll be the first to know, dear WW :D Here is hoping!
But seriously it will give my GKs something to cherish when they are older and also my DSs may benefit from it.
However, thinking about them is constantly in my mind and will not go away. It just plain hurts and I suppose we all have to go with the flow and wait for it to cease or become easier with time.
I'm also surrounded by happy GPs now - all my friends are so harmonious, see the GK regularly etc. It is a real test of my generosity of spirit to be happy for them. I am of course happy for them. I don't think I'm that mean, but occasionally the green eyed monster raises its head - well we talked about that on this forum before.
Still there is hope and meanwhile - a trip down memory lane and empathy with what my parents and their families had to go through helps a lot.
We can only wait till our AC lives get sorted and then be there for them - hope we'll be around when they come back on board.
Hi Ladies, Well, I did attend the concert as you know, and sent DS a simple note in the mail saying I enjoyed the concert, he looked well, played well, missed him love mom.
I got another private message via FB which was very nasty saying don't try to talk to me again you're horrible..... That's the g rated version. Oh yes, and don't come to my graduation, you don't deserve to.
So I am feeling very shaky now. Nothing has really changed, but now I'm wondering if it's time to let him know his family history or just walk away. I really don't have anything to lose and at least if he knows why his father had to pay alimony (ten year affair he doesn't know about) he can someday understand and grow a heart.
My husband is ready to take a flame thrower to my xh. He's already writing a letter, as I doubt my DS will open something from me.
Anyhow, with this and my older DD acting like a flake, I'm getting so ready to run away. Or ride away as the case may be. I can't see myself attending GS's birthday, FDIL's shower, other DS's wedding or any of those events where my XH and hostile DS will be. But feel if I don't go to protect myself, and to avoid the general awkwardness, XH wins, and everyone else in my life who Doesn't hate me and I all lose. Do we just have to suck it up and make our obligatory appearance and slip out at the earliest opportunity? How far does this mother duty thing go? I don't know if I should let my older son know how I'm feeling about attending his wedding. What should be a fun and joyful event is now hanging over me like a thunderhead.
So exhausting. I'm not at the point yet where I feel I've done everything I can, but when I am and I've sent all the letters and drawn all my boundaries, I will feel better about whatever goes down. I'm LYING!!!!! I will still be miserable and feel gutted.
My oldest DD is aware of how her baby brother is acting. She is being very supportive. My husband is amazing. You ladies are awesome. I am fortunate. My life is mostly wonderful.
Do I sound crazy? I feel it.
???
My take: Whatever you might present will be discounted and make you look worse because that's the master plan. You aren't going to be given a chance. I would enjoy what'sbeautiful in life, quit Facebook and be there for him if anything every changes. Sending love...
Thanks Luise, I actually feel better already. Could it be I'm getting stronger?
You're probably right about having whatever I say discounted. I don't know why a 17 year old kid would be so rabidly irate about how much support his father had to pay for 5 kids. It's like he's in a cult and I'm the enemy. I wonder if those online war games contribute to his murderous anger toward me.
Only in real life you can't cut your mother down with a machine gun and have her get up and start running when you want to play again.
I'm going to watch Pirates of the Carribean now and stop thinking about it for tonight.
In these kinds of situations
Plan A - You'll be the scapegoat
Plan B - You'll still be the scapegoat.
I read a book a long time ago called "Always change a losing game"..........I think there is a significant piece of Stockholm Syndrome going on with these male sons........they seem to always side with their abuse, hateful and neglectful fathers, which doesn't make sense but that's the only conclusion I can come to having done a lot of reading. I will buy champagne for everyone and anyone on the day that my ex dies. My son may mourn him or never be able to able to finish those emotional battles with him, but at least he'll be 6 feet under where he can't make anyone's life miserable anymore.
I figure if I'm going to be blamed and scorned anyway, I might as well save the money and spending it on things that I want and places that I want to go and do exactly as I please. The result will be the same, I'll be blamed anyway.
If I every see my son again, I'll we wearing a t-shirt that says, "Yes, blame me, I started WWII, the Korean Way and throw in the Black Plague for good measure, I'm all powerful and I'm responsible for all the misery on the planet in the last 500 years, so get the black crown ready, 'cause I'm wearing it! and I "deserved" it!"
Your son IS in a cult, read up on Stockholme Syndrome, underneath all that anger lies great fear (of your ex and mine), but it's probably as deep as the Titanic, quite sad to say.
How fortunate you are to have a wonderful husband, make sure the two leave the crazy making behind, delete your Facebook age and come back later with an alias and don't tell family members about it or show your city, but have some fun with your husband and focus on something positive.
KG
well, now I'm really upset Margaret. I may have given you bad advice after all. This f/b terrorist attack on you....I'm so sorry. DS is being used as fodder for his father's deplorable self gratifying revenge, and his father is making advance reservations for himself in the netherworld, imo. My g/s are also mixed up in something similar to this, except my DD had the affair and brought on the divorce. SIL could have made the choice to tell the boys this and turned them against DD. I've often wondered that he did not, it would have been stellar and highly effective ammunition. But as this didn't happen, the boys have not sided up with either parent, and I know that this isn't the norm. My DS also turned on me, and you know the history, many many years of the most insulting and painful treatment. I do agree with Keys G, I would sever myself from f/b and never leave that flank open again for a frontal attack. Next, I think I would write him a hard copy letter, and tell him how those words made you feel, and that you will honor his wishes and appear at no more of the milestones in his life, provided you think you can handle that. Each of us have differing thresholds of pain that we're able to tolerate. You are strong, and you have the truth fortunately on your side, and a very supportive DH, in addition to DD and the rest of the family. I think this may be enough support to help you take the stand you need until this DS gets enough tough love to take off his blinders, and see the DM who has always loved him and who deserved much better.
Dear CM, After reading your last posts a veil of sadness came over me as it reminded me of my daughter's harsh, nasty FB posts and emails. I was back there in that feeling and feeling for you. It is so unbelievable that a mother's child could be so very hateful to someone that dedicated their own life to someone else. I do believe that writing a letter explaining the hard truths about why the divorce happened and why his father paid child support would be the right thing to do. I would also tell him how judges across the country have Dads pay a portion of their income to Mothers that raise the children in their home. And I would go a step further and tell him maybe his Dad is griping about the payments because he did not want to support his son financially. I would also include in the letter your own personal boundaries as how much disrespect you will not take anymore. I wrote a letter like that to my daughter and then called her and read it to her. It seemed to help her see where I stand and has opened up some good communication between us. Things are still not good, but I do feel much better about the situation knowing I did what I could and laid down some boundaries. I must tell you I will never trust her ever again, which is just the way the situation is. It is now time to protect yourself and guard your precious status of being a mother even if no one else ever does. Only you were there in the middle of the night and only you know why. Honor that.
After rereading your first post here on this site, Margaret, I would like you to copy and paste it onto a letter, and mail it to your rotten son. You are a victim, outright, end of story. Enjoy the rest of your family and all the upcoming events and you may always hold your head up high. Justice will come at some point, it always does.
Thank you everyone.
Keys Girl, I needed to hear that. I will read up on Stockholm Syndrome. I have never done anything to this son to deserve this. It's just so weird and over the top. He feels he is his father's avenger for some reason. Somehow his father has become the victim and I have become Lord Voldemort. I am very surprised this kid has been so completely brainwashed, but then again, I believed my XH's lies for 10 years. I understand totally how you feel about your XH. I'll have some of that champagne.
Ruth, you didn't give bad advice. I did what I planned to do and it went sour. You are very supportive and thoughtful to one and all here. Nobody here knows how to handle their kooky family. My son is rotten. I'm trying to come to grips with that. His father is more than rotten, he's a sociopath. So I guess I shouldn't be shocked if one of my children takes after his father. Still a hard pill to swallow. My DH and I are convinced that we really came from another planet and are here by some unfortunate cosmic accident. People seem so strange here.
Somom, I do have a letter written to give him the history, but I think right now he would just either not read it and throw it away, or it would be like pouring gasoline on the fire of his rage. He is not open to it even a tiny little crack. He would never allow me to read anything to him at this point. (Part of me wants to get someone to post it on his Facebook Wall.) 8) I have given a copy of it to my eldest DD to give him someday if it seems he has stopped foaming at the mouth and can handle it, but till then I am not bullet proof and I'm frankly a little bit frightened of this huge kid's fury at me. Best to let sleeping dogs lie for now, I'm thinking.
Right now those two "men" deserve each other's company. Leave me in peace.
Great attitude"" You and DH just enjoy life.
I would say if writing it all out and sending it to him, make YOU feel better, then do it. You would have to do it with no expectation whatsoever that it is going to help. I think it will take many more years of maturity before he understands it, if ever. He may think he knows about alimony and such, but he doesn't and at 17 shouldn't understand all the details. I'm with KG, it will not matter to him at this point. I say write it, seal it and then burn it, if it helps you.
I promise, we have tried for months to get through to SD and it didn't happen, because she doesn't get it and doesn't want to get it. If she gets it, she would have to admit her errors and that is not happening because in her world, she makes no errors, it's our fault, the world's fault...anybody but her.
Pooh, you're right. I think that's why he's so fixated on never hearing from me again. He's terrified of what he'll hear. Then he'll have to maybe god forbid apologize and deal with the truth about his father.
I think the only thing that can help him now is real life growing him up.
That's my hope for SD too. At some point I reached "stop justifying" everything. I can't tell you how or when, but it finally hit me with her, the more we tried to explain or justify why we were doing, or why we did something, the more she argued how wrongly she was being treated. You owe him no explanation on what his Father did.