Good one!
I'm struggling right now with things that I see at the nursing home that I think are neglectful of Val and he doesn't notice them and isn't hurt by them.
My question is: "Is this anger and hurt about him...or is it about me?" (Clue: I'm crying over it and he is sleeping like a baby.) :'(
Luise, you have every right to cry (and even if you didn't have a good reason, it would still be all right). I worked or volunteered in hospitals/nursing homes for the past 20 years. Even if a hospital is non-profit, the bottom line is still money. I have watched hospitals not fully staff a unit to save money and, consequently, deaths have occurred. One of the reasons I no longer will work at any hospital or nursing home. And nursing homes are worse when it comes to patient care. And for the very elderly and for the very elderly with dementia, it's much worse. Unless we can be there 24/7 to take care of our loved one (and no one can do that), neglect is going to occur.
I would not complain to Admin because Val might get worse care or get kicked out. But if you think their care of Val is bad enough, I would make an appointment with my local congress person (and take your son with you). Be sure to have dates of bad care, the specific incident, and the names of medical personnel written down.
My heart goes out to you. I have seen first-hand what you are talking about. One of my most fervent prayers for myself is that I go from a heart attack or in an accident where no one else is hurt.
You and Val are in my thoughts and prayers.
Bella,
Thank you so much for this very enlightening piece. I have heard of bad care in nursing homes but never experienced it; my mother was in a very good one (except for the fact that attendance at religious services was required daily, and she was not of that Protestant faith) and my father died as you said, very quickly from a heart attack. I will keep your advice on mental file should I need it for my own husband some day.
I am certain that we all hope Val is not in a truly bad situation.
We can perhaps understand some of this as working in a nursing home can be such a low-paying job. My son is a school teacher and I often wonder if the people we value least in our society are those who care for our kids and our elders.
Luise, you and Val are in my prayers as well. I have so enjoyed all your posts about him, especially the wonderful story of how you met and married.
Kathleen
Quote from: luise.volta on June 29, 2010, 04:24:49 PM
Good one!
I'm struggling right now with things that I see at the nursing home that I think are neglectful of Val and he doesn't notice them and isn't hurt by them.
My question is: "Is this anger and hurt about him...or is it about me?" (Clue: I'm crying over it and he is sleeping like a baby.) :'(
I am so sorry to read this Luise....
unfortunately, Val's care is out of your hands, and they are not taking care of him, like you would...however, your emotions are normal...
I think, it's both, the hurt and anger you feel b/c all this is happening, morning his absence....and this is happening to someone you love, it's also taken away the comfort zone of your relationship....the worry of what they are doing every second, there is really no peace of mind when it comes to Val's care.
Lets face it....we all realize, as much as we tell our selves, everything is ok, but it's not, he's not with you, and your unable to control his care, not being there with him every second, is an unknown, and the unknown scares us, along with all the what if's....your probably also feeling guilt....and anger for having to face each day alone without him....it hurts lady....big time....plus a certain amount of purpose has been taken away from your daily routine....we women are care takers....and we give of ourselves and time, to our loved ones before ourselves....so when that routine is taken away, we feel lost and not so needed....yanno....I think by understanding our own emotions, helps....so, be aware of these things and when you start feeling as you do...understand, the love of your life is your priority...has been for years....and he's not with you, so, you are unable to watch over him and feel, like no one else will do it as good as you can....and that, dear one, is perfectly human and normal....so cry, let it out...while understanding those emotions....it's not one thing, but many and your overwhelmed with all this unknow uncertainty.
It happens to some of us, when our children leave home....for so so many years, we put our lives on hold and give up so many things, so many dreams, to provide for them...why, b/c it gives us joy to see they're happiness and success....and we become used to putting our dreams on hold, what we'd like to do...we actually let our husbands and children make all the decissions of where to go for vacation, etc....we allow them to watch what they want on TV....and we tell ourselves, we love what they love....
So, we actually loose our own identities for all those years....we compromise those things we were and wanted....so now, your facing a whole new life....with time alone....and youself starts to surface again....you start getting to know you all over again....and let me tell you, it's such a good thing, if you allow it to be.....life isn't always fair, and sometimes it's down right crappy Luise....but with the bad, always comes good, we just have to look for it....identify it....life has a way, of making us realize the joy in it, the preciousness in every second...if we look for it....there are more sad moments then happy ones, however, if we can learn to identify the happy moments...we start to realize how very paramount they are, which takes over our whole being...that is why, as we grow older, stuff that really bothered us when we were young is so unimportant now....we realize, life is getting shorter and learn to identify the peace and harmony that is there for us, and how to find it...what to do with it....
We can rejoice when we read so many testimony's on this forum, b/c the people these ladies are taking about are so unhappy, to the point that they make everyone else around them unhappy....it is essential, that we realize, how we effect the lives of others....our husbands, parents, children, friends, co-workers....and then all else doesn't seem so important....that, to me, is the great picture...if we're unhappy and obsessive, everyone around us is tense....learning to allow, is a great challenge....allow things to be and simply take they're own course, instead of trying to control it...cuz the more we try to control destiny, the more difficult we make our own lives...plus everyone else around us....not that you are....these are just thoughts which are coming to my mind, through my own experiences, plus learning from you and the other ladies here....
In everything that happens to us, there is always, a very important lesson for us to learn along the way...when I was having problems with my DIL, I used to constantly say, there has got to be something in this for me to learn...and when I stopped blaming her, and took a long hard look at myself....and realized, this ugly thing that is happening to us, is not worth winning....not at all, b/c life is to short...I started to realize, even though I didn't mean to hurt her, I did....and when we're young, some of us can surely hold a grudge and chalk it up remembering. Women don't forget...they count the bad things that happened and can't let them go and move forward....that is why it's so hard to forgive...however, when we start to learn, that forgiveness is essential in providing peace to our own lives, and not the lives of others, things start to change. I realized, how small some of these incidents were, and said to myself...sheeesh, it's just not that big of a deal, and it wasn't, but I made it a big deal....and made myself so unhappy...I learned, to feed the soul with goodness, instead of anger....look for the good, which most everyone has and ignore the other stuff....I learned that I am no picnic either, with faults of my own that I need to work on....and to stop being so critical of others and myself, which helped change the insecurities...it all ties in together....what we think, is how we feel....in other words, it's who WE are...
I agree with Kathleen's post, as my cousin worked in a nursing home, and it is unwise to complain to much....very sad, but true....
I know you know all this Luise, due to your spiritual background....however, I also know, when we're going thru something so devestating, it shocks our own systems, and it's difficult to rationalize and understand things....let go, and let things be....life loves us and everything has a purpose for us to recognize, experience and know....
We have a gift, which is life....and the heart of memories....and if we remember those good times....that's what gets us through and lets us know, change, once again is occuring and we must acclimate, and utilize life in a different way now....we can't control it or others....we must learn to sail with the waves...
Sorry for the rant....
Maybe something I've written may help you, maybe not, I just know I wish I could do something to make it all better for you....and all the other ladies here....your all so special and indeed, significant in the whole of things....I've learned so much from you all and am so thankful for you all...
Hugs and love
Creme
My love and thoughts are with you Luise
Creme what you have posted is wonderful
Luise, I think it is probably about both. No different than when our kids were little and we found out some bully was picking on them. We were angry and wanted to go whip the snot out of some 8 year old (even though we knew we couldn't). It is about US because we want to protect the people we love, and about THEM because we know they deserve better.
I think it is totally normal and understandable what you are feeling. Is the neglect you are witnessing dangerous to Val? I think there is going to be a difference between neglectful abuse and not doing things in a timely manner. Every nursing home I have been in, even good ones, there seems to be a delay in providing things they need in a timely manner. I think that is the nature of the beast (understaffing, underpaid, etc.).
I am sorry you are hurting but you are entitled to a good cry.
Bless your hearts, one and all. I sometimes feel so alone with this and get overwhelmed. :'(
This nursing home is on our campus and highly rated by the state for both nursing care and salaries. Val and I are well known here because we have lived (and volunteered) on campus for ten years. I went to our social
worker and she is checking to see who had Val Sunday morning and has taken it to the DNS. Things look better this week.
I too worked in a nursing home before I went into nurse's training and it's not a fun place to be, work or visit. Going twice a day is my commitment and sometimes it is so hard. Even though I previously volunteered on our nursing reception desk for three years, it is so different when you are the spouse of a resident. So heart-rending and devastating.
I see neglect and oversights in things that are not really important to his overall well-being if they happen rarely but they are still important to me. Most of my anguish is about not wanting his life to end and what have we all learned abut having it be how it is? He's almost 99. I know it is time and I try to be accepting. But...it's Val.
Just because you know it's his time, doesn't make it any easier on you. You may have learned a lot about life, but you are still allowed to grieve and feel loss. Sending great big hugs your way Luise.
Yup, it's a package deal, Pooh. Some days are better than others...it's a roller-coaster. And it's also wonderful to have an e-family that cares at hand. :)
I tried to split the topic and add this thread to an existing one and now I think I have two identical topics. I think I'd better quit before I make a bigger mess. I had messed with the existing topic and was trying to fix it. :(
You are sooooo worth two identical topics!
How wonderful to be cut some slack! ;D
(I think I did it!)
I was pirating the "detached and resentful" topic.
Luise...my thoughts and prayers are with you and Val. I can't imagine how hard the transitions are to go through (caretaker to visitor, living together to living apart, etc), but I hope that you know you've got a group of gals who are willing to hear your sobs or vents or laughs and support you through it. In a way, I think this is a testament to how you've lived your life...you've set up these websites to help others and drawn people to you. And now it's our turn to help you a bit, if you'll let us.
There was once a counselor touting the idea of a love bank. That by doing for others, you deposit into the bank and if you need something, you make a withdrawal. It should tell you how many good deeds you've done that your "love bank" is overflowing with people who want to wish you well.
Well, Clover, I can't see to type...so I will be back later. I feel such gratitude. That's what the tears are about. You are all so wonderful. Thank you so much. (I'm sure glad I have my withdrawal slips. :)
Luise,
My heart is with you. Your pain and tears are inevitable during this difficult time - with the tears being a good outlet. I spent a couple hours almost daily in a nursing home for 2.5 years when my Dad was there and I could write a book. I was so upset about some of the things that went on that I finally began sending letters to the health department. Every action I took was warranted and the health department did respond. I think I would do it again if faced with the same situation. I always say that if you have someone in a nursing home or hospital, they need an advocate. With your experience, I'm sure you know your rights and what's best. Someone mentioned non-profit. To me, it's a joke - someone is making money. When you charge extremely high living costs, the money has to be going somewhere. I believe that money is the bottom line as someone wrote. I know the nurses and nurse-aides aren't the ones gaining the money, but someone is benefiting. Anyways, you are a dear soul and one of the most loving wives I know. That's why it hurts so bad, your love is so real and so intense. Just keep writing to us - there is a healing power in it. We care about you so.
Love you, sweet Luise.
Hugs, Hope
Luise, please try to get some sleep tonight. Love, hugs, & prayers,
Bella
Luise does not appear to be around today. Does anyone know how she and/or Val is? Thanks.
Luise we're thinking of you today.
Lots of love to you and Val.
Bella - I think her son Kirk is in town?
Thanks, Sassy -- I'm just a little concerned right now, that's all. Even with Val not doing well, she's always been here. I sure hope that her absence has to do with her son arriving.
Bless you
Bella
Luise, just sending you warm thoughts and love.
Thank you for your concern. I will open a new thread about my experience of being a burned out care giver. I have written about it here and there but those recently new may not have followed this path I have been on. Sending love...
Take your time, Luise. Take all the time you need. (We'll still be here. ;D)
Luise I think it's very hard on you, nobody, no matter how well rated the nursing home, is going to take care of Val with the same care and attention as you did. It's not because they are bad or uncaring, it's because they are not you. At least that is how I see it. It's a similar situation to nobody else can take care of your child like you can, at my stage in life it's the only experience I can liken it to.
I think you are right. I look at my "list" and none of the things on it that drive me nuts are anything Val is aware of or hurt by. Thanks for the insight.
Today he started showing signs of a cold. That's how I lost my dad. He was in his late 90s and in a nursing home, and like Val, my dad had a directive for no antibiotics. It went into pneumonia and he was gone.
I know Val wants to leave. It's just hard no matter how you look at it. At the same time, it's normal. He's had a long, full and wonderful life.
I have to admit, a cold is what got my grandfather too, although he was considerably younger, he had a heart condition :( I don't know what to say without sounding trite. We are never ready for anyone to leave us, even if we have a diagnosis and think we've had time to prepare. I guess what I am saying is, it's going to hurt, when it happens. But you know that.
I guess the main thing is that Val is happy now, happy being in your company every day you are together. I'm sure he is too :)
Thank you. I wonder why anything we can say about death sounds trite? And if we don't say any, that is worse. ???
I don't know, but I do know I catch myself and think, that sounds like a platitude, a trite, silly, platitude. I guess when it comes to death, there are only so many ways to say it?
I do know that what you are going through, to put it baldly, sucks and while I know that nothing I say can make it easier, I do hope that knowing we are all here and that we do care, helps :)
Experiencing that caring makes all the difference. It really does.
Ms. Luise, I'm new to your board and I'd like to say I love it already with all I've read. I just want to express to you how sorry I am for this hard time you are having in your life right now with Val. I worked in a Nursing Home for a few years and as much as I hate to admit it things aren't always as they seem. For instance. I would notice that the patients who had family that would show up anytime (We didn't know when to expect them?) Would always get took care of first so that if family did show up they would look good and be took care of. My advice to anyone in a nursing home, is to always show up at different times when you visit and go as often as you can. Then the staff knows you are going to be there but they aren't sure when so they will make sure he is took care of first. I hope things get better soon. God Bless you and your family. You seem like a wonderful and strong woman!
Welcome Smiles! I'm sure you're right. We have a saying here that every nursing home resident needs an advocate.
Since this is a large retirement center with the nursing facility as part of it...people are coming a going a lot and I'm sure that helps. Also many independent residents volunteer to visit those in nursing. You see everyone you know there.
I am trying to sort out what is a problem and what is not. We have a care giver's support group here, too, where we can talk about that and we get a response back from staff. It's probably the best possible as nursing facilities go but home is so much better!
Thank you for your kind words about our Website. We do love it here and we plainly love each other. :D
I am thinking of you Luise, I hope you have a nice day today.
my love and thoughts are with you
Val continues to sleep more and talk less. I started going once a day instead of twice about a week ago and I feel a lot better. It was just too hard. My strength is coming back slowly. Thanks for asking.
Luise, been thinking about you and praying for you and Val everyday. How are you doing..........
Love,
Bella
Oh, thank you for asking! :) Val is refusing to take walks with me in the halls or drink the water he used to drink for me or watch his slide show...and he is sleeping even more. He knows me and holds and pets his little dog but doesn't converse.
I started going over once day instead of twice because I wasn't recovering from the exhaustion of care giving. He doesn't know the difference but it was hard to do at first and I am starting to feel better.
Glad you are feeling better Luise.
Please let us know if you need anything. Fran
Thank you. You guys are so great! ;D
You know, Luise, one of these days I'm going to have to come to Wisconsin to see you. ::) Fran
I'm in Washington and I have turned down many offers...even someone living close by. One is a lady lived in Virginia! I just can't open up the door to socializing and still stay on top of this work. Some contribute and I really appreciate that. There's a place to donate on www.MomResponds.com. The lady in Virginia figured out what the trip would cost and sent that. :D
If I was younger, I would rent accommodations someplace like Ghost Ranch in New Mexico and have a yearly meeting of the tribe for all of us! Wouldn't that be fun?!! (I went there to a seminar years ago and it was great!)
Don't get nervous, Luise! ;D I ain't comin'! LOL I do not fly anymore, and I may absolutely have to within the next year or two -- just the thought of it makes my stomach sick.
And I don't know why I thought you were in WI. Well, I feel much better. WI weather can be terrible.
I did tell you that a group of us from a Yahoo board met in Beaver Dam, WI, for 5 days one summer, didn't I? 13 out of 20-21 of us. From all over The US and Canada. All we all got along! LOL And none of us drank. LOL And we all stayed at the HUGE house of the hostess. Right on the lake. Her and her husband even had a boat (motor boat that sat 6) and their own dock. Ah, only once in a lifetime.
Ok, something upsetting just happened, which has nothing to do with this board. So I'll say goodnight, and I'll be checking in every so often to see how you (and Val) are doing.
Love you,
Fran
It sounds like you had a lot of fun! Those of us that met at Ghost Ranch were from a Website, too. And the next year (1997) we all went on a canoe trip into the Minnesota Boundary Waters. ;D ;D
"Those were the days my friend...we thought they'd never end..." 8)
Ok.. so if there is ever a WWU sleep over think of me in Australia!!!!
You're wonderful!!!!! 8) :o ;D
Hi, Sweet Luise! I'm thinking of you and wondering how your day is going.
Love and hugs, Hope
Hi Hope, Wonderful to have you back! ;D
I am starting to feel a little better since I cut my nursing home visits from twice a day down to once a day. Val hasn't seemed to notice. I was pouring all of what little energy I had into it and had nothing left for healing. It's a very slow process but I am starting to take walks and have cleaned up my diet appreciably. I came dangerously close to the edge of the point of no return...care-giver-wise. Denial is a deadly thing...
So true, we need to look after number one. I wish I could practice what I preach. I am however making small steps in a positive way. Reading these posts is empowering
cheers
You're right...we empower each other! ;D
Quote from: luise.volta on July 30, 2010, 06:05:24 PM
Hi Hope, Wonderful to have you back! ;D
I am starting to feel a little better since I cut my nursing home visits from twice a day down to once a day. Val hasn't seemed to notice. I was pouring all of what little energy I had into it and had nothing left for healing. It's a very slow process but I am starting to take walks and have cleaned up my diet appreciably. I came dangerously close to the edge of the point of no return...care-giver-wise. Denial is a deadly thing...
Luise, yes you do sound better - any progress at all is in the right direction. I think you are going to be fine in time - and I am so happy for you (and us). The positive change in your diet alone will make you feel better. I'm very thankful that you were able to catch yourself before it was too late. You are an amazing woman and I look up to you so much!
Hugs, Hope
Glad to hear you are caring for yourself, Luise. You ARE Number One---but also will be better with Val if you are energized.
Thinking of you,
Kathleen
Thank you. It's a slow process for both of us. I will recover to a great degree, Val won't. He is still aware of my daily visits and peaceful. I could be a lot worse.
You've taught me a lot about acceptance, Luise. It's been difficult for me because I have a great need for justice, and life is frequently not fair >:(
But I've learned so much from everyone here, and I do feel deeply changed, finally, after all these months!
I'm glad Val is at peace and well cared for; you, too. Happy healing!
Thanks, Pen. It sounds so easy, having things be the way they are...how else could they be, right? It's not easy, of course. Yet, I can feel the peace in your post. Peace is priceless. Sending love...
Peace is what I want for all of us. I understand Pen's desire for justice. I think when you do what you know is right, it's normal to want things to be fair. I'm happy you are feeling better, Pen. Being here with everyone's support and wisdom has also helped me, but I'm still a work in progress for sure.
Hugs, Hope
Hope, it's good to hear from you. My progress is herky-jerky these days, but I keep moving on. Thanks for your thoughts.
That's all we can expect. Keep moving on and hopefully making progress - even if it's in baby steps.
Luise, I hope this day has brought you some smiles.
Hugs, Hope
Thanks for asking. My daily trips to nursing to see Val are hard but that's how it is. He is OK. Just incredibly tired.
My heart is with you, Luise. I can imagine how much energy you are expending with your daily visits to the nursing home and hope you are remembering to treat yourself to some luxuries. What are some things you love to do in your leisure time?
Hugs, Hope
I talk every night with an old boyfriend from when I was 15 who lives in Michigan. (We are now 83 and 85.) His wife went into nursing the day after Val did and then passed away two months later. The four of us got together when Val and I went back there in 1995 for my 50th high school reunion. ;D
My son, Kirk, and his wife are here for the summer because they don't like the weather where they live...Kauai. So they come by and that's great. I power-walk 10 minutes a day trying to get my strength back after 12 years of care giving and burning out. And I have my two wonderful Websites!! 8)
Oh my luise,
I just read this thread, and wow, your strength and diligence is amazing. ;D
Quoteluise.volta
I talk every night with an old boyfriend from when I was 15 who lives in Michigan. (We are now 83 and 85.) His wife went into nursing the day after Val did and then passed away two months later. The four of us got together when Val and I went back there in 1995 for my 50th high school reunion. ;D
It must be very comforting to have this man to relate to...it sure must help....I'm so glad you have him there for you and you for him. It helps to know someone is going thru the same thing. Two of my friends lost they're husbands...we were scheduled to go out to dinner togehter shortly after the one of them lost her companion...I was to tired and felt, maybe they needed some alone time together to relate....guess what, the next day, the one told me, that they talked for hours comparing feelings and other things relating to they're losses. I was so glad I didn't go...as they may not have expressed they're feelings and gotten as much out...soo, Louise, this is very good for both of you...God bless you all....it's very hard to go thru this...God bless you..
QuoteMy son, Kirk, and his wife are here for the summer because they don't like the weather where they live...Kauai. So they come by and that's great. I power-walk 10 minutes a day trying to get my strength back after 12 years of care giving and burning out. And I have my two wonderful Websites!!
Its nice to have family around for a while, and when they leave it's nice to... ;D
I kinda find that refreshing and it seems we appreciate each other more and tend to respect boundaries more...? But that is just me, it is nice, the visits are more important and paramount....and the time they are there goes so fast...these are great things in our lives, aren't they....? Do you feel the same way about the visits? I dunno, I just think its healthier for all concerned...but that is just me...
I think it is wonderful you keep so active and walk, it is so necessary...one of my friend is 82 and she works, walks and keeps very active...and finds the time to read...we are planning a vacation together....she's a wonderful gal....and very sharp...Luise....good happens to good people...and I suspect, you have been a blessing to many all your life....thank you so much for helping us.
Hugs
Creme
Thanks everyone. I so appreciate your votes of confidence and understanding. It's a long, sad and lonely road.
Kirk and Sandy have their own place just seven miles down the road where they spend the summer months. I only have 660Sq. ft in my little retirement cottage. I love it when they are here and their lives continue as usual as their work is all computer-based. They just pick up the "office" and board the plane! ;D Kirk comes again for the month of March for my birthday but it's too cold here for Sandy in the winter...even though she grew up here. They're great!
Quote from: luise.volta on August 20, 2010, 09:47:40 AM
Thanks everyone. I so appreciate your votes of confidence and understanding. It's a long, sad and lonely road.
Kirk and Sandy have their own place just seven miles down the road where they spend the summer months. I only have 660Sq. ft in my little retirement cottage. I love it when they are here and their lives continue as usual as their work is all computer-based. They just pick up the "office" and board the plane! ;D Kirk comes again for the month of March for my birthday but it's too cold here for Sandy in the winter...even though she grew up here. They're great!
Luise, why is it they don't like the summer months in Hawaii? What is it about the weather they don't appreciate?
They were both raised here in Washington state (very mild) and find the intense tropical heat in the summer coupled with the high humidity to be disabling. (I am So glad! ;D)
Quote from: luise.volta on August 20, 2010, 11:45:43 AM
They were both raised here in Washington state (very mild) and find the intense tropical heat in the summer coupled with the high humidity to be disabling. (I am So glad! ;D)
LOL, yes, it sure works out kinda neat doesn't it....? ;D
reason I asked a friend wants to go there and I told her, to wait to schedule a trip until I find out more about the weather so you go when it's comfortable and you can enjoy it more...
So when in your opinion is the best time to go?
and by the way, how have you been doing lately?
thanks
Creme
December through March. I love it there. If you make it November through April you are living dangerously...(if you have webbed feet!)
Quote from: luise.volta on August 20, 2010, 11:57:11 AM
December through March. I love it there. If you make it November through April you are living dangerously...(if you have webbed feet!)
LOL
I'll tell them...thank you....
Luise,
Sounds like you've been doing a good job caring for yourself - mentally and physically. It's reassuring to know you have Kirk, Sandy, and friends to help you through. Do you see any visits to Hawaii in your future?
Sending hugs, Hope
Hope, you are such a dear. No trips in sight as long as Val lingers. Kirk and Sandy built a home in Kapaa and they have a guest room ;)