March 28, 2024, 03:16:32 PM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Footloose

31
I would stop the contact until she can treat you better.  The probs between her and her sis are between them and i would not be part of any discussion around it other than...."I can hear how upsetting this is for you dear but I'm sure things will work out in time if you both want it....cancer and surgery is hard for everyone and we all cope in our own ways."  Then change the subject and keep it closed. 

The whole, "you always loved her best" really makes me throw up a little in my mouth when it comes from adults who are also over 30......

If you must send a bday card, do it but keep it short and to the point of her and her birthday.  Maybe write a quick blurb about your willingness for the two of you to sort out current differences but that you cannot go back in time and change anything.  Always focus on, the "where do we go from here" concept.  Acknowledge her pain or disappointment and then let it go where it belongs, under the bridge along with a sea of other past moments.....

Serious illnesses are so hard on everyone and even tho the patient has it so much worse. YD may be seeing it as her own hereditary prophecy.  I lost a few friends when i got so gravely ill and lost my feet.  They just couldn't see me that way because it reminded them of their own vulnerability. Losing body parts is an awful thing to face for all.....

Hugs to you dear sister in struggle!  My hopes are with you and your family for a speedy and complete recovery.
32
Dearest Monroe,  How lucky your mom is to have you in her corner in spite of her personality issues!  I do the same for my mom who has been like yours her whole life.  I still love her and respect her but must limit my exposure to her toxicity because it can make me physically ill and she can push all the right buttons...if  I let her...  I so get what you are saying but you do have some ownership regarding your own happiness and in setting limits to enable your own peaceful existence.  Love or not, what you are facing with your mom is not healthy for you. 

I started ending my conversations and visits if after one correction of. "oh mom, I know you are hurt by the others or may be upset about some issue not involving me, so please talk to THEM about it and leave me out? Guess what?  She has started abiding by my boundaries and it took me over 48 yrs to figure it out!  .....

I will say something like, "Wow it sounds like you are having a bad day and having a great pity party to boot but I cannot help here and your complaining and bad mouthing others is something that gives me a headache.  I chose not to be part of the problem.  I'm leaving, hanging up for today but I'll call you tomorrow in hopes you're feeling better so we can have a nice chat.

You still call on her, still visit, still bring her treats but no longer take her negativity, trash talk, complaining, whining or cussing like my 80 YO mom....sheesh!   I do love my mom and wil for the rest of my life but I do not like her most of the time because of her own attitude and bad behavior. 

Even tho she's your mom, you can leave her to her own misery if she chooses to make life hard on you.  You can take Pop for a car ride or go on the roof or in the basement too so the time out can work in any setting.

Wishing you peace, dear sister!
33
Confused,  I totally agree w/ open and honest feedback in a nice way of course!  As a MIL, that's what I wish for because I really can be clueless at times....
34
Raindrops, Sorry to hear of your disappointment.  I spent the day with other big and little people and heard from my DS and his wife a good bit lately.  I let the expectations go a while back and noticed much more contact now that I allow them to make the move.  I dropped the rope and the tugs stopped.  It was very quiet for a long time but out of the blue, he decided he wanted me to continue being his mom. 

Please take TODAY and do something special?  Those yummy Cadbury Eggs and chocolate bunnies are on clearance!  and that's why I never celebrate Valentines day until Feb 15th!  LOL!!!
35
Wow! Artlady!  Sounds like she really has her hands full with 2 littles and prob no help from her hubby or anyone else!   My heart goes out to you in your struggle and the loss of your daughter to her grown life. 

All you can do now is focus on your husband and keep yourself strong for him.  Maybe in time, you will find that she has given you a gift of time and attention to be spent on someone with greater need, your life partner and YOU!

She must walk her own path after watching you take your own.  While we model good behavior and try and teach our children to be wise, they can only learn by doing and learning from their own mistakes.

We can show someone how to ride a bicycle and have them watch and hear instruction for years but until they ride themselves, they will never learn. Wish we could keep the helmet, knee/elbow pads and training wheels on longer but life gets in the way and has its own lessons to teach.

Hugs for your dear sister!
36
Grab Bag / Re: He's here!
April 18, 2014, 07:26:37 AM
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blessings abound for our wonderful family!  Congrats, granny Pooh!!!!!!
37
Welcome allthatmatters!  You are wise already!  Setting clear limits on your DD and her need to be w/mommy?!  Absolutely perfect!  You told MIL what and even why and in a nice way!  We can be a bit pushy at times and it helps for you to be honest and direct and help us understand reality.  Noone knows these kids better than the day to day parent.  You are def giving more time than I'd expect!  Just keep it to the frequency that fits your family first. 

I have seen so many times where ppl complain and vent with others and never bring it back to the perceived offender.  We offenders may not know that we have that name or anything is wrong until a big bang, leading to hut feelings and cut offs.

For me, i just want to know what the rules are so I can follow and not get into grudges....I respect my DIL and DS's decisions even when i may not agree.  I trust that they love their kids and are finding their own best way to raise them and my way is mine alone.  Who really cares about that when the focus is providing the very best for our young and small friends and family.

It may take a village to raise a child but the parents are the CEOs and we must follow their direction and not ours in the raising of THEIR children;)

Please jump in and give your impression on any thread as it will help us to know a DIL's point of view because some of our DILs may not feel comfy nor have time and energy to be direct.....
38
Lilly,  I understand so well!  I suffered so much until I finally gave myself permission to let the past regrets, suffering, anger and disappointment go.  I tried to find an innetwork shrink w/ insurance but after trying several, i gave up.  At a later visit to my medical doc, she took my hands in hers and with a tear in her eye, she said, "Please get help?!  You do not deserve to suffer so,  I know of a PHD that works with women like you and the family issues you must deal with."  I do love my doc!!!

After completing weekly psychotherapy sessions at the tune of $160/hr, for almost a full year, I was still having trouble.  I could not focus on a single task and when I really needed to be nimble and able to perform my chaotic job.  I was very close to a hospital stay to overcome my anxiety and depression.  My heart palpitations started again and sweats that I blamed years ago on early menopause.  So I may seem a bit naggy here, dear Lilly but I know I needed a little nagging to give me the push to change myself.  I extend that love to you my dear sister!

I took a 2 month leave of absence from work at the beginning of this year and I made myself pay attention to just me and oh it was so hard!  After my beginning of researching to determine just what exactly was wrong with other people.  Focus on me.  Breathe and focus on only my breath.  Thoughts come in and I let them pass.  Focus on my breathing, focus on me.  What is my body feeling?  Turn off the voice in your head!  It does not tell u the full truth when it stirs up trouble from the past.  It nags at you and keeps u preoccupied on stuff that cannot change, ever!   You can use the past to learn and use the knowledge today and to plan for tomorrow.  Expect that tomorrow to be very different from expectations but that is the beauty of life.

Intuition and alarms that go off often get ignored as our minds are elsewhere.  Those gut feelings are important and signal a need for attention to your body and feelings in the moment.  Pay attention!  These intuitions are real because they are happening now.     

I found out there is NOTHING wrong with others, whether I thought their behavior was right or wrong, who the heck am I to judge? Who put ME in charge?" I really do not know what is happening in their heads nor do I have their perspective.  I was wrong in expecting them to be like me.  I am the only me in the universe. 

Self focus sounds selfish to me but I had to change my take on that because it was clear to me that I became selfless and unhealthy.  I was untrue to the person inside me who needs the same love and nurture as the others on the outside of my eyeballs! I made mistakes I kno and that is part of our human failings.  Perfection is impossible by our hand. 

Lilly, Just by your posts here, it is clear to me that you gave all you had and did your best.   

It was the hardest thing I ever went through and my life before now has never been easy.  By studying me and how i fit in to all of my interactions, both good and hard enough that at times my eyes want to pop from my head.  I am learning to let the anger come and go and know that I am only human.

I wish you a peaceful day and hope this info and the other threads here will lend you comfort.

Hugs!
39
Lilly, So glad to hear about your meeting.  If u get the right vibes and want to try the location, your next step would be to obtain a sponsor who will act as your 24/7 go to person.  This is VERY important because this person will know how to "talk you off the ledge" when times seem unbearable.  He/She can help you keep to your commitments to transform yourself into a calmer, less reactive and happier person on your journey to peace.   

By connecting to others who share your struggle, your burden will be lessened by their example and experience.  You can also share good news and ways you have found to cope.

This site and I are not the best resources to use to battle the addiction struggle but we are here to hear ya....

Now go getcha some change, girl ;)

You Rock!
40
Dearest Lilly,
My heart breaks to hear your words and hear all the love in your heart for him.  It really is the hardest thing for us moms!  That bond is so strong and I fully understand the pain you feel.

You keep referring to him a a child and compare him to my son so long ago as a newborn.  Would I do this to a child?!  Not a chance but we are NOT speaking of children or people who lack the physical or mental ability to stand on their own as as adults.

He may find unlimited reasons for drinking and you have as many for not letting him go but yet you BOTH suffer on and on and on......

He is not responsible for your suffering and sadness or your happiness.  You are.

I am glad you are here because you are starting that healing by simply reaching out! 

I am hopeful for you because it can be better and you can be happy but something's gotta give. Give to yourself loved one?
41
I have had personal experience with Alanon and Naranon for families and loved ones of people who have addictions.

I started going to meetings and counseling at first so I could FIX HIM once and for all.  I was not broken because, after all, I was the responsible person, the good guy, always fixing always pushing, always bleeding and hurting for my first husband. I lost myself in the process and my newborn son was the one who motivated me to get his dad fixed once and for all.  Yeah, I could handle the chaos, dysfunction and abuse but there was no way I would allow my new baby to have any of it.  I was so invisible, I do not recognize that poor young woman who was my prior self.  I have just gotten (finally) to know her and she's pretty cool!

These meetings are different depending on the folks who participate.  If you do not find a fit at one, please do try another?  On line forums may also help but please start the healing for yourself now?

I learned that with every person who has an active addiction, they also have people who enable or help the behavior continue because they are trying to "help".  This help never works because it is coming from the wrong source, a person OTHER than the addicted. 

It is very popular these days to call poor behavior choices an illness and there are 12 step programs for all of these, from over eating to over sexing, over texting, infidelity, sending pics over the web of your willy, etc.....

I believe the illness is in choice making and character.  To drive change in every individual, it must be their choice.  They may not make that healthy choice if they never suffer consequences.  Many say an addict must find their rock bottom before they are willing to make the change for themselves.  We must let them find that bottom, even if it means their death. 

Please talk to his outpatient center or a counselor that specializes in family issues around addiction.

You play a part, even through your perfect love and best wishes for your son.  It way be time to let go and let him face his life warts and all if he is ever to decide to change his ways.

Hus dear sister, it's time for YOU to feel better.



42
Hi SL,
Your YS may get side tracked by his brother or any person he allows to talk him into another path.  The path is his to take and may change based on your DS and his decisions, right or wrong.  Please remember it is his goal and not your for him to become a doctor or a race car driver or a garbage man for that matter.  YS has made it this far and must have good study habits and great accomplishments that dictate his ability to obtain such an education and career goal.

It is not the destination that matters, it is the journey.  His journey so far has enabled him to find a higher calling than the average person so it will be likely he can do what he sets his mind to.  Just keep in mind that it is his mind, his path, his choices, his consequences and his life. 

I would keep the issues between his brother (OS) between you and his brother.  If YS ever asks you for your part of the OS story I would keep it to the facts on what drove you to the behavior and feelings about you.  Keep the talk about OS and his wife away from DS. 

You have done a great job in raising him up to become a man but now it is his journey and he will include others based on his own desires and not ours.....DARN IT!!! ;)
43
So how does a MIL handle it?  I don't, never did, and never will. And the result is; she is kind  but distant to me.  Hey...that's enough for me.  ;) She's not my daughter, thank God,  and I think my son has enough burdens to carry, without me adding to the problem . He knows I'm in the background, if he  should ever  need me...and that suffices.

I think most  problem  people get what they deserve,  without  having to hear it from us MILs.   It's sort of interesting  to simply sit  and  watch the show,...from the distance.  Then go home,  shrug it off  and think;  thank God I don't live there.  :D

-------
FreeSpirit,  I agree totally! Thank God, I don't live there or even near DS and his brood for now!  I fought it so much and cried and lamented and apologized and analyzed until I almost burst and ya know what?  It changed NOTHING in my relationship with my son.  It really just made it worse.   

My plans for my role in my son's family were mine alone.  So what if it has been a multi generational norm for families to be inclusive and happily grow with additions?   My son broke that tradition and many more but my life went on anyway and so did his. 

The sun still comes up each morning in spite of my unmet expectations about my gandmotherhood that all wete generated in the past. 

This "loss" was impacting my future as well.  All of the milestones I had expected to be part of are most likely never going to happen and if they do, i am sure not like anything I had expected.

My expectations have been known to exceed reality on a daily basis so I have learned to limit expectations and Know that stuff happens and the best plans may fulfill in a different result or never at all.

The best we can do is live this life we have today.  The past is gone and the future may never be so the best we can do is live right now with the people who are in our lives.

So we can waste our talents time and energy chasing the past or building expectations that have a great chance in disappointment or we can relax that perceived control and simply relax and take our time one second, on minute, one hour or day at a time.

Hugs dear sisters, it does get better.

If you cant be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with.

As wise Luise says, she has a multitude of adopted children and we are among them here.  Surprise, Loise, it's a girl!  um and she's way over the newborn size and is actually half a century old!  LOL!!!

p.s.
Some assembly required!
44
I completely agree w/ Luise on this, dear StillTrying.  You and DH must decide what is best for you and your family, living under your roof.   A much shorter timeframe, if possible would be in order.  If she is traveling from afar, maybe suggest she see the USA while here?  See if yu can trim it down to a week or less? 

While I do love the "give her her own medicine" suggestion but I have to fling that devil off my shoulder....um DAILY! 

It would feel grand at the moment but what about the long term?  Why stoop to her level?  The children are watching and can learn good communication and boundary setting from your thought out actions rather than reactions.

Maybe say, "I do not agree with (mil) grandma because I was there and saw how brave you were, honey" and give a lil hug.  "I don't think you're whiny at all...this time;)?  LOL!  Make a kind hearted joke and giv her a playful squeeze? 

Since we all have work to do in improving communication and setting boundaries, maybe make it a family project.  When mil Gmom visits, have a fun family meeting to tell everyone the rules of the game.  Start w/ group discussion on what are some ways you get your feeling hurt when people act and talk a certain way to you or other people,  Give your own example and perspective w/ one suggestion.  i.e.: Describe what happened and how you felt about it.  Then describe ways you would have rather had the words and actions coming to you.  For the next nbr of days we will be working on getting along as best we can.  Maybe come up with a funny phrase like in the kids show, Pewee Herman w/ his word of the day? Small prizes are always fun and corrective feedback can be fun too if delivered in a respectful and caring way. 

We had a bit of an issue at work, during continued education sessions, where folks were coming back from breaks and lunch later and later each day because their jobs would pull them to distraction.  The team suggested we each wad up a piece of note paper and keep it in our laps until the late person (s) sat down!  This would make everyone laugh, even the late person(s) and it really worked! 

When the turkeys get you down, take the high road so you can avoid getting stuck in their muck! 
45
Grab Bag / Re: 87th Birthday
March 10, 2014, 07:23:23 AM
Happy Birthday!  If we ever sell this home in ATl and move your way, I'd love to meet ya in person!  We had a contract, nbr 2 and it fell thru.  We r having the roof replaced on 3/17. 

Hubby and I decided that if the Atl home is not sold by July, we r going to leave it empty and move.  Just cannot tolerate another hot and humid simmer w/ code orange smog....GAG!!!!  but i so love the spring! I'm sore from yard work and it feels good:)