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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Pooh on May 17, 2010, 10:57:21 AM

Title: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: Pooh on May 17, 2010, 10:57:21 AM
I wanted to say thank you for this site.  I too have a DIL that I can't get along with.  Unfortunately, we are two totally different people with different personalities.  I am more down to earth, believe in working for everything you get, responsible and most of the time, listen to both sides of a story.  She is very high maintenance, wants everything her way, clingy and whiny.

I am not going to sit here and say that I have done everything right, but I really tried hard in the beginning to accept her for who she was.  But after multiple instances of her being disrespectful (stomping her foot at me, rolling her eyes, leaving her dirty dishes all over my house for me to clean up, etc.) I finally said something to my son about how he was allowing her to treat me so disrespectful and that I was equally upset with him for allowing it.  That was the beginning of the wedge between me and my son. When he said something to her, she told her Mother what I said, there was a confrontation between her Mother and I, and it went downhill from there.  Now he just goes along with her and avoids me to keep the conflict down.

Now, two years later, I never hear from him.  He only answers me in one word answers when I do text him to see if everything is OK.  I have tried to not be intrusive, but it is easy to see there is a big gap between us now.  We were always close before the DIL and him started dating.  I would have loved to have had a DIL that I could have been close with.

I always said my job as a parent was to teach them right from wrong, give them feathers of wisdom and then wings to fly.  I just didn't know it was going to feel so awful when they did......
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: luise.volta on May 17, 2010, 11:41:51 AM
My heart goes out to you, Pooh. So many of us have had the experience of thinking that how we felt mattered, when voicing it actually turned out to be the beginning of the end.

I have just ordered a book a friend recommended: When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along  by Joshua Coleman. I'm a slow reader but hope to do a review here.

Creating independent sons and then watching dependent or insecure DILs walk away with them is heartbreaking. Well, they actually walk away with all kinds of DILs...even independent ones, never to be seen again as the friend they once were. It's a a lot to accept and cope with and that's one reason for this Website. We help each other to heal and move on. Sending love...
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: Nana on May 17, 2010, 01:18:52 PM
Pooh

My heart is with you.  Your son decided to avoid trouble and took side with your dil.   It is just how some men are.  My son for instance when I told him (after keeping quiet for a long time) I couldnt take it any longer and that I didnt want to deal with dil because of bla bla bla.....he listended and accepted that he knew and had observed the bad attitude of dil with me.  I told him that I did not want him to have problems with her and thatI now his wife and baby was his family and that he did not have to see me anymore.  That the love we both had for each other was unchangeable regardless of seeing each other.  He said that he would by all means come to visit me with the baby and that he loved me.  He also told me something I didnt know.......he said he wasnt visiting his mil either and when he did he also had a bad attitude towards her to get even with wife for treating us like dirt.   So it resulted that I was the one who wanted out with dil.    It is when change took place...... She was upset and did come to visit me with a different attitude.    Your son will eventually see this.  You just live your life to the fullest and expect nothing of him.....  God works in mysterious ways.

Love
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: Pooh on May 17, 2010, 01:49:20 PM
Thank you Luise.  I guess one of the hardest things for me to swallow is this.  My son's father left me after 21 years of marriage for a much younger model.  This was during my son's Senior year of school and while him and DIL were dating.  His father had never liked DIL either and had bad mouthed her a lot.  Plus my son could not stand DIL's mother and constantly complained about how she treated him.

I have recently remarried a wonderful man so I am not bitter any longer about the divorce and circumstances.  I actually should thank him for doing me a favor.  My son was very angry at his dad over the situation and didn't want anything to do with him.  I actually continuously encouraged him to have a relationship with his dad and kept pointing out that his father loved him and didn't do anything to him.  It was between his father and I.

Now, him and DIL hang out constantly with his father and her Mother.  After the divorce, I am assuming his Dad wanted to try and make things up to him out of guilt, so he became a huge DIL fan.  So now they hang out with the people they supposedly can not stand. I just don't get it. 
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: Pooh on May 17, 2010, 01:51:58 PM
Thank you Nana.  I am doing the same thing and I hope my outcome is the same as yours.  I know that his place is with his wife.  I really do and you know, I raised him with those values so it's kind of ironic.  That is my hope.  That someday, as he matures and hopefully she does too, that he will come back around and that she and I can have a relationship. 
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: luise.volta on May 17, 2010, 06:17:01 PM
The reason we can't "get it" is because we clutter everything up with logic! Sending love...
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: Hope on May 17, 2010, 06:32:02 PM
Pooh,
Welcome!  I'm happy you found us.  It's a good place to share a mutual understanding with others facing the same hardship.  It helps us to learn coping mechanisms and, hopefully, how to understand our dils better and improve our relationships.
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: Pen on May 17, 2010, 07:21:10 PM
Pooh, welcome to this wonderful site. I'm sorry you are going through this. A lot of us here have been hurt and are trying to regain a sense of ourselves and our self worth after being treated poorly by people who matter to us. Luise is right (and oh so wise) regarding logic - so much of what we beat our heads against the wall about is completely illogical!

For those of us who are mothers of sons, it is hard to suddenly stop being a mom. My DIL's mom talks to her daughter every day, etc. etc., but I'm supposed to fade away without any feelings of longing or jealousy or sadness. I never expected to be in this position, but here I am and life goes on. With the help of all the wonderful wise women here I'm learning how to embrace my new life. I wish you well, Pooh!

Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: Pooh on May 18, 2010, 12:35:47 PM
Thank you so much to everyone for the welcomes, hugs and sympathy.  I have been reading various topics and it is great to see how others have dealt with or coped with the situation.  I knew I wasn't a Lone Ranger, but it is amazing to see how similar some of our stories are.

Luise, you crack me up.  But you are very right. 
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: Pooh on June 18, 2010, 06:25:31 AM
Well Ladies, I had a breakthrough last night.  Out of the blue, my oldest Son calls me to share some great news he had.  He has had several wonderful things happen to him over the last few weeks, and called to tell me.  We spent an hour on the phone talking about what was going on in his life.  I was grinning so hard, my jaws hurt. 

Now, during the conversation he tells me my DIL has been in Florida all week with her parents on a vacation. (He couldn't get off work to go).   Then he starts telling me that his MIL is driving him bonkers.  They bought a new house 3 weeks ago just a few miles from his MIL and she has been coming over every day.  He said they had been fighting like crazy because she kept doing things he didn't want.  For instance, he was landscaping last week and wanted to put pea gravel in the beds because he said it would match the house better and he hated having to replace mulch every year.  He said he came home the next day and the MIL had put mulch in all the beds!  He said he went out and backed his truck up and started shoveling all the mulch into the truck bed.  Once he got it all, he took it to her house, backed up and shoveled it all out in a big pile in her yard.  Left a note on her door that said, "Thanks for the mulch, but we can't use it so I thought you might want it back."   He said, "I would have been grateful and not done anything if I had never had that conversation with her that the last thing I wanted was mulch.  I would have sucked it up and just left it, thankful for her gift.  But since she knew I didn't want it and went and did it anyway, I knew she did it on purpose just to make me mad, so I couldn't be grateful Mom."

He said his MIL came over that evening and started yelling at him.  They had a huge fight and he is refusing to talk to her.  I asked what my DIL said about the situation.  He said she agreed with him and told her Mother that she was wrong.

Ok, now I have to say the bad things I was thinking.  1)  I am terribly grateful for the phone call and I never said anything on the phone about our relationship, my DIL or his MIL.  I am learning to keep my mouth shut.  I listened and we had a good conversation, but in the back of my brain I couldn't help but think that the timing of the call with her being out of town reinforces my beliefs that she is playing a major part in our not talking.  2) I felt a huge sense of relief that he wasn't getting along with his MIL and smiled about it......I know....I know....I shouldn't feel glad about that.  3)  I have a hard time believing my DIL sided with him and went against her Mother, but left for Florida with her 2 days later.  Her Mother never apologized to my son and is still mad at him.  Does that not tell her Mother that her behavior is ok? 4) I will admit, I laughed hysterically after getting off the phone of the visual of his MIL coming home to a huge pile of mulch in her front yard.  I know....I know.....

I had not texted, called or left my son a facebook message in a month.  I took the stand (with your ladies good advice) that the ball was in his court and that I would just go about my business.  I have learned from all of you that I can't control him, her or the situation and to just let it go. 
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: cremebrulee on June 18, 2010, 07:04:31 AM
Pooh, that is great news, you've made milestones....there are a few things happening here in your favor...

1.  by not saying anything, your not hurting your son....if you try and discuss a problem your having with DIL with your son, he's immediately going to take it as if y ou are demaing her...and not trying to fix it...he won't see it that way, so you get a great big hug while saying, "You my lady, did good!"

2.  He is now seeing how utterly horrible it can be living near an inlaw....he is getting a taste of how it feels....not against you...but, the problems that existed between you and DIL, well, this might make him understand a little more...

3.  Son was venting, not looking to fix anything, he fixed the problem himself, and kudos to him for doing so, and to your DIL for not siding with her mother, she was indeed wrong. 

4.  This is a milestone, your making progress in your own persona...which really feels great, doesn't it.  The fact that you didn't say a word, says volumns.....your starting to understand, and being right doesn't matter more then getting along....

Hugs and I'm very proud of you and happy for you at the same time....

Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: cremebrulee on June 18, 2010, 07:06:36 AM
Oh, and I'm laughing to....your son did the right thing, she may choose to listen to him next time....she had it in her mind what she thought it should be and probably never heard him say, that he didn't want it....we humans tend to not listen when others are speaking...we are so eager to help that we don't hear people say no thank you....

and even if she did, believe me, she will think twice about it next time.....
shame on her....and kudos to your son.....

Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: Postscript on June 18, 2010, 07:18:48 AM
Don't want to hijack or anything but I feel compelled to ask;

Mulch was a gift, even though Mil knew that he didn't want mulch.  Much like the waterwings in the waterwings post were an unwanted gift.  By the reactions to gift giving in the waterwings post, I would have thought the reaction to mulch dumping would be different.  How are the two situations so different?
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: cremebrulee on June 18, 2010, 07:22:35 AM
Quote from: Postscript on June 18, 2010, 07:18:48 AM
Don't want to hijack or anything but I feel compelled to ask;

Mulch was a gift, even though Mil knew that he didn't want mulch.  Much like the waterwings in the waterwings post were an unwanted gift.  By the reactions to gift giving in the waterwings post, I would have thought the reaction to mulch dumping would be different.  How are the two situations so different?

because the SIL told the MIL before she got the mulch that he didn't want it, it was the last thing he wanted....

In regards to the water wings it's my understanding, that the father had already gotten the gift...and then the daughter told him that they probably wouldn't use them....plus if the father had known his son in law didn't approve of water wings, he probably would have not purchased them....but I'm just guessing...



Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: Pooh on June 18, 2010, 07:36:01 AM
Yes, what Creme said.  I believe since he nicely explained to her ahead of time that he didn't want the mulch and what his plans were, plus this is a trend she has always done with them, that it was different.  I think the big difference too is that she doesn't do things for them because she wants to be nice, she tends to do them because that is how SHE wants it to be with total disregard for their wishes.  This is not the first time she has done something like this and normally he justs sits back and doesn't say anything. 
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: Pooh on June 18, 2010, 07:38:03 AM
And also agree with Creme, I don't remember in the WW story that the subject had been broached with her Dad.  I may be wrong too, and PS, never be afraid to hijack one of my threads....I always appreciate the insights and other opinions.

And Creme, thanks for everything.  Learning to keep my mouth shut, when I really like to talk, is very hard.  Lol.  I didn't get the nickname Motor Mouth for nothing in school!
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: cremebrulee on June 18, 2010, 08:05:35 AM
LOL

hugs
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: luise.volta on June 18, 2010, 09:16:47 AM
Oh, too cool!  8) Mulch..the gift that keeps giving (and returning!)  :o

;D  ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: Pooh on June 18, 2010, 10:18:05 AM
Hee hee Luise.... :P
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: cremebrulee on June 18, 2010, 10:21:16 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on June 18, 2010, 09:16:47 AM
Oh, too cool!  8) Mulch..the gift that keeps giving (and returning!)  :o

;D  ;D  ;D  ;D

too funny!!!
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: Alicev on July 20, 2010, 01:02:01 PM
You can accept people for who they are, but you don't have to accept disrespectfulness. 
You have the right and the power to say so when something does not feel good to you to the person that violates your boundaries.

My good friend once  told me that his mum and his wife occasionally had disagreements and issues. How did you deal with it, I asked him. He smiled at me told me he never allowed himself to be dragged in the middle, because he had full trust in the abilities of his mother and his wife to work it out on their own.  Trusting the abilities of our loved ones is important. It kept him from being accused of taking sides and being blamed for things that were not his responsibilities to begin with. What a smart guy!

I believe that you can still have a close relationship with your DIL provided you both want it in your hearts. Despite the differences in your personalities. People are outwardly different and have different likes and dislikes. But the most important thing that unites all people and is common for everyone is the desire for acceptance and love. Perhaps both of you need time to heal for the time being. Whatever happens - not all is lost forever. Not discussing DIL with your son is a good policy. It takes the anxiety off of his shoulders and he will most likely be more inclined to confide in you.

Looks like he is dealing with a challenging MIL himself. It is not easy and I am sure he doesn't always do it perfectly, but challenges in relationships are also opportunities to learn more about oneself and polish the skills of dealing with problems.

QuoteI felt a huge sense of relief that he wasn't getting along with his MIL and smiled about it......I know....I know....I shouldn't feel glad about that.


I think your reaction is completely normal under the circumstances. We are all human after all. However, if your son does in time happen to have a good relationship with his MIL  does not in any way mean you are any worse or a bad person. When you son feels love towards other people does not mean he loves you any less.
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: neecee on July 24, 2010, 03:13:02 PM
To Pooh

You are a kind person, as most of the women who wrote after you.  I wish I had read more carefully.  You wrote what I could not...  I am glad to know that sometimes, it works out. 

It took such a long time to realize that my son was also accountable in the case of DIL.  It was easier to blame the DIL.  Looking back, I see that I do not know this man I helped to raise.  We imagined he had all sorts of qualities and gifts and we find, that he is simply over his head.

God Bless and hang in there. 
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: elsieshaye on July 24, 2010, 08:23:01 PM
Neecee, we have such high hopes for our children that it's really hard sometimes to realize they are imperfect people who struggle with things and sometimes choose badly.  And also that we can't fix that for them.  I'm going through that with my son right now, although on a relatively small scale.  My tongue is sore from being bitten so often, lol!  :)
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: Pooh on July 25, 2010, 12:47:07 PM
Neecee, thank you for the kind words.  I think the breaking point with me was when I went, "You know what?  He chose this person.  He actually sees all her bad qualities because he has made comments about them, but yet he chose to still be with this person.  So the bottom line is, is was his choice.  It is no reflection on his upbringing or how I raised him.  It is a simple matter of free will and independance.  I gave him the tools to deal with life and now he has to build his own toolbox.  I will always love him, and I will always be here for him, when he chooses to ask for help, but my playbook and rulebook have expired and he is writing his own."

I think that was my hardest lesson to learn, because MY playbook had us remaining close (DIL included).
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: miss_priss on July 26, 2010, 07:42:45 AM
QuoteNeecee, thank you for the kind words.  I think the breaking point with me was when I went, "You know what?  He chose this person.  He actually sees all her bad qualities because he has made comments about them, but yet he chose to still be with this person.  So the bottom line is, is was his choice.  It is no reflection on his upbringing or how I raised him.  It is a simple matter of free will and independance.  I gave him the tools to deal with life and now he has to build his own toolbox.  I will always love him, and I will always be here for him, when he chooses to ask for help, but my playbook and rulebook have expired and he is writing his own."

Pooh - I wish more peeple could adopt that reasoning.  But keep in mind that he also sees the GOOD in her, more than you will ever see.  Of course she has flaws (doesn't your spouse?), and of course he will complain of them from time to time (don't you?).  Don't we all?  But there must be a world of good there also that he sees in her.  You'll never see what he sees in her, and you're not supposed to, thus he married her and you didn't.  :) But would he really hold on to her if there were more bad qualities than good ones?  Be honest with yourself when you answer that.   

It's so easy for any of us to point out bad bad bad, we all do it.  There's no one on here writing about how absolutely wonderful their DILs or MILs are, but I bet there's some good qualities there somewhere!  Wouldn't THAT be a good exercise!  Let's start a thread posting three positive qualities of the person we're here to get advice about.   ;D  If someone will do it I'll be the first to bite that bullet.     
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: Pooh on July 26, 2010, 07:49:36 AM
Oh geesh Priss, now you asking for alot!  Lol.  Ok, I have not been privy to see much of a good side of her, but I will give it a try. 

I have seen her with the children at her church and around the family, and she is very good with them, so I think she will make a good mother.

(Ok, I about choked getting that out!)
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: luise.volta on July 26, 2010, 08:17:43 AM
Someone here actually did write about how wonderful her MIL was. It is about mine and I reprint it here, copied form Success Stories.:


This is the story of my role model where mother in laws are concerned. She is gone now but she lived to be 104 and we remained friends my entire life.

I don't know when I met her because she spent her summers at the same place my mother did. They took their little 3 and 4 year-olds, (my future husband and me), down to the beach and visited with each other while we played there.

Fast forward...long story, we married in 1947 and she became my mother in law. She was a kindergarten teacher and she had the patience of a saint. I am absolutely sure that many of her students were more skilled and more mature than I was at the time we became related through my marriage to her son.

I had firmly withstood every attempt my own mother made to teach me to cook and clean... and be responsible. I had no concept of money management and I didn't know anything about kids. As I look back all those years, I know I had to be every mother in law's nightmare.

She was a friend. We shopped together, decorated our homes together, and even joined the same social club together in the little mid-west town where we lived.

She was never bossy or disapproving. She taught by example, and as I have mentioned, with infinite patience. Where she got her patience, I have no idea... but it was never ending. And I learned. My only skill to start out with was that I was a nurse. I didn't work outside the home but I knew how to take care of my kids when they were sick. Chalk 1 up for me and a 1000 up for her.

I learned the way most of us do, intermittently and sporadically. You know... one step forward followed by three steps backwards. A lot of what I was expected to do didn't interest me... which didn't help the process much. Yet she didn't push me or hold me back. She honored my eventual progress calmly, as through it had been a given. Ha! What were the odds?

After eighteen years of marriage, I divorced her son. End of my relationship with her, right? Wrong! She and I stayed in touch and remained friends for another 40 years.

The moral of this story is that I knew what to do and what not to do when my sons married and I became the mother in law. I had daughter in laws that related to me like I did to her and I had daughter in laws that didn't. You have to have the raw material to work with and when you are labeled as "the enemy" even before you are introduced, it can all be downhill from there. However, I also have a daughter in law who divorced one of my sons and you know what we did? We decided to not get divorced! As a result, we have been inseparable for over 25 years and only death will part us.

I was willing to learn and my mother in law was willing to teach me. The bottom line, I think, was willingness... openness... forgiveness and our constant acknowledgment of our mutual humanness. Bless her heart!
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: miss_priss on July 26, 2010, 08:27:03 AM
Ok - my turn to bite it! 

My MIL is an excellent provider and she always made sure her family had every material thing they ever needed.  She can also sniff out a sale miles away. 

You're right, that was really hard!     
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: elsieshaye on July 26, 2010, 09:56:37 AM
Arrgh.  Let's see if I can choke this out.  XH (who is my "MIL/DIL", since my actual MIL was very nice and I am not a MIL myself yet) is very sociable and loves to do things like camping and going to fairs, etc.  He always seems to be able to find good deals on things, and is very resourceful about finding things he needs.

It was very hard not to caveat any of that.  Guess I need to work on that some more.
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: cadagi101 on July 26, 2010, 05:49:04 PM
I did get a giggle out of the replies from you all.   It probably isn't that hard if we reaalllly put some thought into it.

Other people like my 20 yr old son.  That is a big plus i spose.
I thought that was all I was going to write but.. OK he's umm  works hard umm he's obsessive when it comes to cleanliness some would say that is fantastic , I should scrub that one I don't think it is a good trait  He does have good values if you dig really hard.
He loves his ute (more than his mother)
He is gentle when holding baby.
He can drive a tractor
he is a good shot. (wild pigs),
I'm a bit sad now my own flesh and blood. hmmm and I cant think of anything else.  I have set myself a task, today I will think of a few more and I will post a success story.  I won't hold my breath.
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: cadagi101 on July 26, 2010, 05:52:03 PM
almost forgot,  when he was a child he could make yummy  chocolate cakes.
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: luise.volta on July 26, 2010, 06:02:02 PM
Oh, Julia... ;D
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: Pen on July 26, 2010, 09:42:47 PM
My DIL is smart, focused, ambitious, well-organized, passionately loyal to her FOO, adoring of DS, and beautiful.
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: neecee on July 27, 2010, 10:42:37 AM
I am praying for guidance in how to live without this part of our lives.  I know we can and we are fine; but the bitterness was still choking me.

I spoke to my other DIL, who is a lovely soul and she thought I should spiritualy send all the love I would have given them and their children, who are about 18 mos old. I do this in meditation/prayer.

I imagine a quiet lake with a small open boat.  I see the children on the other side of the lake and put all the kisses and love into the boat and send it across the water.  Even if the children do not know where the love comes from, they will receive it.  It gives me great joy to send the love to them. I even imagine kissing their little ears and feet and it is a great relief of all this energy.

I ask their guardian angels to protect them, and help them and give them peace.  I no longer imagine what I would say to them, if i were to have a chance.

Thanks for listening.
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: luise.volta on July 27, 2010, 10:44:49 AM
Beautiful visualization! Sending love...
Title: Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
Post by: Hope on July 30, 2010, 06:54:05 AM
Quote from: neecee on July 27, 2010, 10:42:37 AM
I am praying for guidance in how to live without this part of our lives.  I know we can and we are fine; but the bitterness was still choking me.

I spoke to my other DIL, who is a lovely soul and she thought I should spiritualy send all the love I would have given them and their children, who are about 18 mos old. I do this in meditation/prayer.

I imagine a quiet lake with a small open boat.  I see the children on the other side of the lake and put all the kisses and love into the boat and send it across the water.  Even if the children do not know where the love comes from, they will receive it.  It gives me great joy to send the love to them. I even imagine kissing their little ears and feet and it is a great relief of all this energy.

I ask their guardian angels to protect them, and help them and give them peace.  I no longer imagine what I would say to them, if i were to have a chance.

Thanks for listening.
Neecee,
Welcome!  I'm happy for you that you have found a way to release all the bottled up love you store away for your gc.  It seems so cruel to keep good gp from their gc - and what good does it do anyone?  I will NEVER understand it.  You sound like such a loving gp and I certainly hope that one day soon you will be reunited.
Hugs, Hope