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Hi everyone! First, I would like to say that this board has already been a big help to me. I have been dealing with guilt from my middle son recently and have nobody to talk to about him (or get advice from). I'm 42, he is 22. Long story short, I was a single parent for most of his life. He has an older sister and younger brother. He was ADHD when younger and constantly in "trouble". I did the best I could with the ADHD and did my best to be a good provider (they never complained or went without), even coached his baseball team. Well, he never had any complaints toward me until he got kicked out of my house when he was 18-19 (after his first couple of semesters of college).
He was smoking pot in my house, eating all the food we bought, while spending his paycheck on pot. This went on for a few months till I finally put my foot down and told him he has to get out. He went to his sisters apartment and disrespected her and her place till SHE kicked him out. He had a couple of issues with the law (unpaid tickets, with a guy that had broke in a car...he cleared that up after community service). He finally left the area and went to where my family is from. "We" all worked together and got him a very good job, which he got fired from for smoking pot ON THE JOB and telling them off when they confronted him on it. He "thinks it should be legal" and very "in your face" about it. He decided to fly back to the state we live in and was living in his car for awhile.
Well, he got a DUI within about a month of coming back and got put on probation. I did use HIS money to get him out after a week (only because it was his money...actually my husband/his sf did the bail out). He couldn't/wouldn't get a job and his unemployment ran out so he quit going to probation officer. At the same time, he got in BIG trouble for neglecting (abusing) a dog that he was pet sitting. I guess he was not feeding it and bragged to someone that he hit the dog. He got charged on that and the probation violation and is now in jail.
Now, he knows I am no nonsense and am not going to bail him out. I feel like he NEEDS to be in jail for what he did and that he really has to learn a lesson about being held accountable for his actions. I have not heard from him by mail but he was trying to call my phone collect during the first week.
Before going in, he was verbally abusing me and sending hateful emails telling me to "leave him the (blank) alone" and that I am the worst and most hateful person he ever knew (I had sent him an email saying the police had come here looking for him and he needs to turn himself in).
That is most of the main points of the back story. I'm wondering if I should be writing him or helping him in any way (he ONLY has me in life). His dad has never been involved and he has few friends. He has always had a HUGE chip on his shoulders (about being small for his age...was always picked on/made fun of). I tried my best to be his best friend and always doing stuff with him because I knew how he felt and how others (even adults) made him feel. I don't know if I should be taking this time to write him and work things out or if I should leave him alone (as he asked). Half of me is fine to leave him alone but the other half says now is the time that a parent SHOULD be there for the child. My parents were never, ever, there for me so I know how it feels to be "abandoned" but at the same time, I do not want to enable him in any way, especially after the dog thing (which I am infuriated about).
He never had any anger issues toward me at all till I gave him tough love about my house rules (after he turned 18) and would not back down. My daughter acted the same way after she got the tough love at 18 (super hateful toward me) but I didn't back down and now she is 24 and we get along (she has a family now and all).
I'm hoping he is just lashing out because he is getting a reality check but I'm not sure if I should even be writing him letters of support while he is in jail. My intuition is telling me "no" but I don't want him feeling hopeless in jail. I wonder if I should have another person contact him, instead of me? Any advice would be great. Like I said, I have NO friends that I can talk to and have already lost about 10 lbs since he was arrested a month ago.
He was smoking pot in my house, eating all the food we bought, while spending his paycheck on pot. This went on for a few months till I finally put my foot down and told him he has to get out. He went to his sisters apartment and disrespected her and her place till SHE kicked him out. He had a couple of issues with the law (unpaid tickets, with a guy that had broke in a car...he cleared that up after community service). He finally left the area and went to where my family is from. "We" all worked together and got him a very good job, which he got fired from for smoking pot ON THE JOB and telling them off when they confronted him on it. He "thinks it should be legal" and very "in your face" about it. He decided to fly back to the state we live in and was living in his car for awhile.
Well, he got a DUI within about a month of coming back and got put on probation. I did use HIS money to get him out after a week (only because it was his money...actually my husband/his sf did the bail out). He couldn't/wouldn't get a job and his unemployment ran out so he quit going to probation officer. At the same time, he got in BIG trouble for neglecting (abusing) a dog that he was pet sitting. I guess he was not feeding it and bragged to someone that he hit the dog. He got charged on that and the probation violation and is now in jail.
Now, he knows I am no nonsense and am not going to bail him out. I feel like he NEEDS to be in jail for what he did and that he really has to learn a lesson about being held accountable for his actions. I have not heard from him by mail but he was trying to call my phone collect during the first week.
Before going in, he was verbally abusing me and sending hateful emails telling me to "leave him the (blank) alone" and that I am the worst and most hateful person he ever knew (I had sent him an email saying the police had come here looking for him and he needs to turn himself in).
That is most of the main points of the back story. I'm wondering if I should be writing him or helping him in any way (he ONLY has me in life). His dad has never been involved and he has few friends. He has always had a HUGE chip on his shoulders (about being small for his age...was always picked on/made fun of). I tried my best to be his best friend and always doing stuff with him because I knew how he felt and how others (even adults) made him feel. I don't know if I should be taking this time to write him and work things out or if I should leave him alone (as he asked). Half of me is fine to leave him alone but the other half says now is the time that a parent SHOULD be there for the child. My parents were never, ever, there for me so I know how it feels to be "abandoned" but at the same time, I do not want to enable him in any way, especially after the dog thing (which I am infuriated about).
He never had any anger issues toward me at all till I gave him tough love about my house rules (after he turned 18) and would not back down. My daughter acted the same way after she got the tough love at 18 (super hateful toward me) but I didn't back down and now she is 24 and we get along (she has a family now and all).
I'm hoping he is just lashing out because he is getting a reality check but I'm not sure if I should even be writing him letters of support while he is in jail. My intuition is telling me "no" but I don't want him feeling hopeless in jail. I wonder if I should have another person contact him, instead of me? Any advice would be great. Like I said, I have NO friends that I can talk to and have already lost about 10 lbs since he was arrested a month ago.