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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Pen on February 11, 2011, 08:31:19 AM

Title: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pen on February 11, 2011, 08:31:19 AM
DH & I rarely get time with DS w/o DIL. When she's out of town on business DS will call or come by, or might even invite DH & I, together or separately, to hang out (!) We have long, drama-free conversations about various topics, current events, life stuff. If DIL knows he's with us she calls or texts constantly. She spends a lot of time alone/with DS with her FOO, though.

We cherish the four short visits (4!) we've had with DS alone since the wedding a few years ago. Not that we don't want to see DIL, but she doesn't like us which makes the visits very awkward. She dictates what we talk about (her & her FOO only), how much we talk (more than a couple of sentences and she gets huffy), what we do (she doesn't share our interests), etc.

What's an MIL to do? If we express a desire for time we might be seen as demanding and needy. If we don't ask we'reoften left alone because all is apparently well (squeaky wheel syndrome.) Perhaps if some DIL's would loosen the reins their needy MILs wouldn't feel abandoned and could lighten up.

What's up with that? Why is it considered normal for DIL to see her FOO alone but MILs/FILs are odd for wanting to see DS alone?

Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 11, 2011, 08:34:09 AM
Your dil must have thought the ring was to slip through his nose and not onto his finger.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 11, 2011, 08:35:32 AM
I wish I could give you some insight, but I find it odd as well.  I don't spend a lot of alone time with my parents without my DH.  If I do, it's never because we plan it that way- it's because my parents come into town (they live 2 hours away) for business and my DH is at work and can't join us.  I'm sorry your DIL is so difficult.  I can't imagine dealing with someone being that controlling over a dang conversation!!
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 11, 2011, 08:48:20 AM
Your DIL seems to be a bit b!tchy if you ask me.

I know that I rarely spend time with my Mom without DH (only if he is working and mom invites me over to help her with something). He occassionally drops in at his parents, but not that often (and usually to drop off/pick up something on his way home from work). My brother is married and he also only sees Mom alone if SIL is working. SIL doesn't see her family without my brother ever.

DH and I are married, we are a unit. Same with my brother and his wife. We don't go places without the other unless it can't be helped.

I think it is a bit much for your DIL to constantly text/call when you guys are together. Sounds a little insecure, but I don't think it is typical for DS to come home and spend time with his parents without his wife. It sucks that she is such a b!tch and doesn't get along with you. Maybe if she were more normal it wouldn't be an issue.

Perhaps you intimidate her?
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 11, 2011, 08:54:53 AM
I don't think she is intimidated
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 11, 2011, 08:55:38 AM
I don't either, I think it's just a power play.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 11, 2011, 08:57:49 AM
I think it is total control... she has stepped it up more then a notch above power play :)
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pen on February 11, 2011, 09:24:27 AM
I think you guys are right, there's no way she's intimidated by me. She's got it all and knows it.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 11, 2011, 09:28:47 AM
I think the only other reason may be that she's insecure with herself- however, that's not your problem to fix and it shouldn't be your problem, period.  But I don't know her.  Just trying to figure out why she would feel a need to do all these things.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 11, 2011, 09:38:06 AM
Being insecure would be one reason.. or the other is that she is a self serving person who doesn't have time for anyone else in her little world.  Eliminate the in-laws and you have no one that you will ever need to consider.. Now it's all about her, her FOO, her husband, her house, her life.. see the direction?
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 11, 2011, 09:39:27 AM
That is just one possibility.. but there is no doubt in my mind that there are people out there who would chose to eliminate out of convenience and nothing more.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 11, 2011, 09:47:09 AM
That is just depressing to think about.  What a sad way to be.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 11, 2011, 10:00:49 AM
I agree sad but very true for some... at times I feel that this is the direction my own dil is heading.. except she needs for us to get angry so she can step back and say.. "see your parents don't like me, so now I never have to have them in my life again".. So far it's not working.. we aren't biting and my ds finds us to be important in his life even if he gives into his wife constantly.  He knows it's on the horizon, we've talked about it.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 11, 2011, 10:25:17 AM
I can't remember if you said it since I've been around or not- was she like this before they got engaged?
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 11, 2011, 10:31:37 AM
Was my dil like this before they were engaged?
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 11, 2011, 10:34:16 AM
Yes- has she always been this way with you guys?
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 11, 2011, 10:53:14 AM
No, not before they were engaged.. or I should say not that I really saw.  She appeared to be very understanding that my son has a family that is equally important to him as hers is.  She was great and understanding when my son wanted no one other then his brother to be his best man, yet little brother was out of the country, so they went with the missing man formation.  When my dh ended up having to have emergency surgery on their wedding day, she was all for going to see him in her gown and my son's dressed blues so dh could feel like he didn't totally miss one of the proudest days of his life.  So, no she appeared to be a pretty balanced person when it came to family.  We did see some of the 'but it's my wedding', I think that is most brides when under pressure.. but the day of, when disaster could have struck.. she rolled with it pretty well.

We really did not see any signs of our family being strategically eliminated until the first holiday season.. and then we really  got smacked upside the head when my son was facing his first deployment and she was hell bent on making that day about her family instead of allowing us the dignity of saying our goodbyes without it being a spectator sport... since then it's become a game and she's even admitted to it when she finally told my son that in the future she just won't let us know that her parents will be involved when we  come up  to visit them.. we'll find out when we get there. 
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Scoop on February 11, 2011, 11:13:43 AM
Oh Pen!  I hate hearing the stories about your DIL!  Usually I have no problems playing devil's advocate, but with your DIL, I just don't know where she's coming from.

Alone visits - 4 in several years actually sounds about right to me.  I love my parents but I don't usually see them much without DH (my home town is about 6 hours away).  Once a year or so sounds about right.

As for DH visiting his parents alone, he doesn't do it.  I don't know why.  When we do visit them (2 or 3 times a year, they're 4 hours away) I try and give them space together without me, because I know how precious that time is.  Sadly, they probably think I'm avoiding them - you just can't win.

Now that I think about it, it seems like your DIL is possessive.  She's not peeing on him to mark him as "HERS" and that's IT!  Some people are super-possessive and jealous like that.  I have no insight because I don't *get* it, and in fact I HATE when people are like that.

The only thing I can think of is to work on your relationship with your DS, call him, text him, e-mail him and hope for the best.  I don't think you can get much out of this woman, it doesn't sound like she's very generous in the first place.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pooh on February 11, 2011, 11:23:51 AM
Pen I also thinks its all about attention.  When DIL is with her FOO, she is center stage.  When DIL is at our family things, she is not center stage normally.  She is included but everything is not about her.  When she can dictate how the conversation goes and turns it to her and her FOO, she's center stage.  When they find out DS is there with us alone, it is now not about them being center stage or maybe they are afraid it is. 
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: cremebrulee on February 11, 2011, 11:31:36 AM
Quote from: Pen on February 11, 2011, 08:31:19 AM
DH & I rarely get time with DS w/o DIL. When she's out of town on business DS will call or come by, or might even invite DH & I, together or separately, to hang out (!) We have long, drama-free conversations about various topics, current events, life stuff. If DIL knows he's with us she calls or texts constantly. She spends a lot of time alone/with DS with her FOO, though.

We cherish the four short visits (4!) we've had with DS alone since the wedding a few years ago. Not that we don't want to see DIL, but she doesn't like us which makes the visits very awkward. She dictates what we talk about (her & her FOO only), how much we talk (more than a couple of sentences and she gets huffy), what we do (she doesn't share our interests), etc.

What's an MIL to do? If we express a desire for time we might be seen as demanding and needy. If we don't ask we'reoften left alone because all is apparently well (squeaky wheel syndrome.) Perhaps if some DIL's would loosen the reins their needy MILs wouldn't feel abandoned and could lighten up.

What's up with that? Why is it considered normal for DIL to see her FOO alone but MILs/FILs are odd for wanting to see DS alone?

I'm sorry Pen, but there is something seriously wrong with your DIL....an adult child should have quality time alone with his family as well as, time with them with his wife and children...

and yanno, I bet your son cherishes those special alone times he has with you....more then you probably know.....

Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 11, 2011, 12:14:33 PM
Laurie- that is so strange.  It's like some weird switch was flipped randomly. 

Pen- what about you?  Was your DIL like this before they got engaged or anything?  I just don't understand why a guy would want to marry someone like this.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 11, 2011, 12:15:58 PM
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on February 11, 2011, 12:14:33 PM
Laurie- that is so strange.  It's like some weird switch was flipped randomly. 

Pen- what about you?  Was your DIL like this before they got engaged or anything?  I just don't understand why a guy would want to marry someone like this.

I don't thing a guy wanted to marry someone like this :)
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on February 11, 2011, 12:36:01 PM
Pen,

I don't think your DIL feels threatened at all. I think if she did feel threatened, she would eventually outgrow this behavior. Feeling threatened seems kind of natural, and to a certain extent understandable. I also think that feeling threatened waxes and wanes: sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not. I think her behavior would be more erratic if that were the case.

She seems way too consistent with the things that she does (taking into account your other posts as well), and when I read your posts, I have a sense that she would like to think you're insignificant. I think she would like you to think you're insignificant as well.

I would call my DS for time alone with him if I were you...you're entitled to it. Just ask. Plus, I remember you said he wanted to come right over for his birthday; that may be what he needs. I'm not sure, b/c I don't know all the details.

I don't say this often, but I think your no pressure approach makes it all too easy for her to do what she does. If you want to spend time with DS alone, ask. I would keep asking too. I know I always say less is more, but in your situation, I feel like the less you get, the more you pull back (I'm sorry if that's not the case, you can tell me I'm wrong). I think he may say no to spending time alone with you, but I do think it'll keep that light bulb that has already gone off in his head lit, and he can have good reason to stand up to her again.

I know that's not your M.O., it's not mine either. But I think if you stop fighting for him, he might think there's no reason to fight for you anymore. I just worry that you're just going to go down without having said a word, and if something can be changed...why not say something?
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 11, 2011, 12:58:11 PM
Quote from: holliberri on February 11, 2011, 12:36:01 PM

She seems way too consistent with the things that she does (taking into account your other posts as well), and when I read your posts, I have a sense that she would like to think you're insignificant. I think she would like you to think you're insignificant as well.
Holliberri.. this is exactly how I feel we are being viewed ... this is how dil and her parents could walk into our home and basically refuse to speak with any of us.. yet they are there for dinner. We have definitely been made to feel as if our existence in our son's life is very insignificant, and so many of their actions are showing it. 

I always thought that dil's parents were innocent bystanders who did not see what was taking place.. but when I made it perfectly clear that I wanted us to say our goodbyes to our son without them in the picture they backed off, but were right back at center stage for this deployment.

My ys's Christmas present from ds/dil was 'accidently' left at her parents house, so the story goes... yet he was so unimportant to them that they could not mail the gift (gift card) or send it to my dil.. or take it to her since they had to go for a visit since Christmas to see her pregnant.  Let me not forget that the same thing was done last year, when she told my ds that the gifts were mailed, but ut oh come March she said oh I thought I mailed them.  I know that is silly stuff but it does add up and it adds up to the fact that we are not viewed as having any viable purpose for breathing their air.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: kathleen on February 11, 2011, 01:10:00 PM
Pen,

I fear that if you push the envelope on this one in any way, you might be cut off completely.

Your DIL is a bully. I have one, too.

About five or so years ago, I read an article about Meredith Vierra (TODAY show) and her husband.  Each year they spent one holiday with her parents and the other holiday with his; in other words, Christmas with her family one year, Christmas with his the next.  So it was totally equal.
When it began to play out that we were supposed to spend every single holiday with her entire extended family or have no relationship with our son at all, I proposed this equal split.  She became furious and said it was ridiculous that one family should be "excluded" from a major holiday when we could all spend it together; of course, that meant only at their house with her entourage always present.  My son said, "I agree.  If you lived far enough so we all had to fly to get together, it would be different."  At that time we lived four hours north through hard, hard winter to get to them.  It definitely could not be done in a day, and of course, they didn't want us staying overnight in the house we helped them buy. 

I was warned not to give them any money for the house or anything else, by a MIL further advanced into MIL hell than I was, who had spent a fortune flying to Italy for a wedding and paying for it (she worked in adult education and had to save a long time for that money.)  Her DIL then cut her off.  It was years and years re-building any communication.  I don't want that to happen to you. 

I'm afraid this is fight-flight: stick with the bully and battle out your feelings by stuffing them down, or face possible extinction.  Bullies only understand getting their own way or brute force to stop them and of course you have no standing to use any force, which will only make it worse.

Meredith Vierra's mother and father-in-law are truly lucky people, as are her husband's, to have children who see things as equal for both families and work hard to set that example for their children.  No wonder people love this TV star so much (not to mention she gives away a ton of money on her other, Millionaire, show.)

The whole thing about much time with DIL's family and no equal time for you, and their intrusions on your relationship with your son, is outrageous.

Good luck and tell us what happens,

Kathleen
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on February 11, 2011, 01:12:22 PM
Laurie,

I agree with everything your saying...but somehow, I think you'll find a way to make sure that you're heard. I think Pen needs to be heard. I know no one wants to be the bad IL that butts into a marriage, but I think Pen's DS sees it her way, not his DW's. He's spoken up in the past, and I think he may need a little nudging. Maybe he needs some help fighting for his FOO.

Plus, I think you know a lot of the reasons why your DIL acts the way she does; I don't think Pen has hardly any answers at all, and she deserves some.

I also think you and your DS know exactly how the other feels about your DIL (thinking Skype session here), it seems like Pen has been left only to guess, and hasn't given her opinion.



Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: seasage on February 11, 2011, 01:46:50 PM
Quote from: kathleen on February 11, 2011, 01:10:00 PM
Pen,

I fear that if you push the envelope on this one in any way, you might be cut off completely.

Your DIL is a bully. I have one, too.


As do I. 

Pen, from my point of view, pushing the envelope is not a good idea.  That's the way I am operating anyway.  I really don't think my DIL feels threatened.  I actually think she feels embarrassed about many of the things she said to us four years ago, the last time we were face to face. 

The things she said that hurt me the most were the accusations we loved our other children more than her DH, our DS.  She based this on money; she thought we were giving our other children more money than we ever gave our son.  Now this is totally untrue.  We love our children equally and treat them equally.  But she comes from a family where money rules.  Her mother has millions, and she herself came into the marriage with a nest egg about 10 times the size of my own.  My DS is smart enough to know that all that money is hers, not theirs.  He wouldn't touch it with a 10-foot pole.  He borrowed money for a down payment on their house, because it is an unspoken agreement between them that her money is her money!  This tells me what matters to her.  I think she hates us because we are poor as church mice.  Her family didn't want her to marry DS because his family had no money and no status.

Anyway, I don't intend to confront DS about any of this.  I think he is terribly embarrassed about her actions also. 
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 11, 2011, 01:49:13 PM
Seasage .. I think my son is embarrassed by his wifes actions as well.. and now that he can not turn a blind eye to the fact that she has lied to him as well to get her way at times has added a terrible burden.  Simply no need for any of this.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on February 11, 2011, 02:02:29 PM
Quote from: kathleen on February 11, 2011, 01:10:00 PM
Meredith Vierra's mother and father-in-law are truly lucky people, as are her husband's, to have children who see things as equal for both families and work hard to set that example for their children.  No wonder people love this TV star so much (not to mention she gives away a ton of money on her other, Millionaire, show.)

Meredith happens to be a millionaire, who can afford to fly whoever she wants around, and fly to whereever she wants. I don't know the details of her story, but at least for DH and I, 50/50 split has proven near impossible, even though thats what both of our families wanted, and what we wanted:

Year 1: DH was in Italy. I didn't see him. He spent it alone. I spent it alone.
Year 2: DH's family had Christmas.
Year 3: DH and I could not justify spending $3,000 dollars on airline tickets. No one spent Christmas with us.
Year 4: We were en route to the West Coast...exhuasted. No one spent Christmas with us.
Year 5: Deployment. I didn't see him. Spent that one alone. All alone.
Year 6: Closed on a house in the biggest snowstorm on record for PA (Dec. 18), 3 months pregnant, possible miscarriage, unpacked an entire house by myself and got it decorated so I could entertain my ILs and have them comfortable in our new home. Mom was nice enough to cook dinner for them so I didn't have to.
Year 7: Christmas with my Dad, Mom (who lives a half hour away) spent it at her house.
Year 8: I have absolutely no idea what is to come.

I think that for awhile DH and I wanted to make our families happy. We quickly learned that wasn't what was best for us. I think if we had our way, and I think if our families think about it, they would've preferred to spend it with the dreaded ILs if it meant seeing their kids. This 50/50 agreement everyone worked out has only exacerbated hurt feelings and has resulting in a total contest when we can't meet the predetermined standard. We've since broken the agreement (yes, gone back on our word) and said whatever works for us at the time. The pressure is still there, but DH and I have learned not to commit ourselves to anything like that.



Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 11, 2011, 02:04:59 PM
Don't you think life is a bit more interesting when you can fly by the seat of your pants?
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on February 11, 2011, 02:15:15 PM
Yes, way more interesting. And, b/c we are so noncommital, both of our parents have learned to enjoy the element of surprise.

In October:

MIL invited us down to see them in VA. We weren't sure how we'd feel. I got up that morning (it was beautiful out) and I said "Let's go." DH was like, "Where?" I said, "We're going to see your parents. We'll call them on the way down."

We called an hour from our destination, and I don't think they could've been happier. I think they appreciated that so much more than having it planned a month in advance.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 11, 2011, 06:24:37 PM
I love when something feels right at that moment... to wake up and say, yep this is how I feel today and go with it, I think says a lot about self confidence.  Like you said your in-law were thrilled by the spontaneous show of caring.. so much better then feeling like you're locked in, contract signed.. there's no turning back.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pen on February 11, 2011, 06:34:03 PM
Yes, & who really wants to be the recipient of the duty-call anyway?
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: cd1029 on February 11, 2011, 07:40:55 PM
Son does not have to interrupt his visit with you to read her texts.  That is a choice.  He is responsible for it, not her.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pen on February 11, 2011, 07:43:26 PM
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on February 11, 2011, 12:14:33 PM
Laurie- that is so strange.  It's like some weird switch was flipped randomly. 

Pen- what about you?  Was your DIL like this before they got engaged or anything?  I just don't understand why a guy would want to marry someone like this.

OW, that's exactly what it was like! Sweet as could be, very accepting and respectful during the engagement. Suddenly after the wedding we found out she hated us and didn't want anything to do with us. She and her FOO actually shunned us at an event. To say we were hurt, stunned & confused doesn't even begin to cover it.

My theory is that it was all an act; she had an agenda and did what she had to do to make it happen. Once she had what she wanted she didn't have to pretend to like us anymore. I think it happens more often than people realize. We're still caught up with the "evil MIL" stereotypes so we don't see what's going on in some parts of DIL land.

Who knew DS was such a catch that someone would go through so much to land him? LOL

Quote from: cd1029 on February 11, 2011, 07:40:55 PM
Son does not have to interrupt his visit with you to read her texts.  That is a choice.  He is responsible for it, not her.

True, but can you imagine the heck he'd have to deal with when he got home?
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 11, 2011, 08:36:48 PM
Quote from: cd1029 on February 11, 2011, 07:40:55 PM
Son does not have to interrupt his visit with you to read her texts.  That is a choice.  He is responsible for it, not her.
I agree wholeheartedly... this is his responsibility and choice.  He is allowing her to dictate to him that he be rude to his parents while visiting.. wow rather fubared.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pen on February 11, 2011, 10:43:08 PM
My point wasn't that DIL was interrupting our time together, my point was that she couldn't let him be away from her without constantly reminding him that she was the main event. I honestly don't know how DS handled the texts, just that she was incessantly texting him. Bzzz Bzzzz Bzzzz. Sometimes he'd look and put the phone down, sometimes he'd text back briefly. Sometimes he ignored it completely.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: JaneF on February 12, 2011, 12:26:52 AM
Gee whiz, I am SURE I have said this before on one post or another, but I think Pen and I have the same DIL!!! Everything you say matches what has happened to us too. Sad that this happens more often than some folks know huh? Just a month ago I was at the salon getting my monthly "hairdo", and DIL's relatives showed up since they go to same salon and actually have same hairdresser. Now mind you my DS has been with my DIL for over a dozen years, so her FOO KNOWS US by sight, but as I stood right in front of them talking (less than 2 feet away), they refused to acknowledge me at all or say hello even! I was shocked, so I just said my goodbye and quietly left. I don't understand that FOO at all. The relatives that snubbed me were pastor and wife...how nice. My DIL's parents divorced a year ago, in part due to her MOTHERS infidelity (was told this by their own family). More than one occurence over a 27 year span. When DIL's mom was at same event as DIL's dad, and he had his new girlfriend with him they got into a spat. I might add that this event was about DIL's DADS family, nothing to do with DIL's moms family at all, they should not have been there! Anyway, DIL's mom started the fuss by saying something nasty to the new girlfriend (called her a name basically "tramp"). The new girlfriend said "I am not the one that was unfaithful in my marriage, you were", so it isn't my fault you are not together. The pastors wife (who happens to be my DIL's grandmother) jumped right in to rescue her daughter (DIL's mother) and said this to new girlfriend...Are you ready??? "SHE DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER!!!". Are you serious? I am pretty sure the pastor in many years of sermons probably mentioned adultery at SOME POINT, or at least mentioned right and wrong! If you do not know that being unfaithful in your marriage is wrong by the time you are 30 and 40 years old, there might be a problem somewhere! IMHO of course!!! These same people are the ones that get 100 percent of all holidays and other family stuff, we get zero. Pen, I totally understand and could tell you stories about my DIL and her FOO that would curl your hair! I would need an entire week to write it all down. They never fail to shock me. And DS allows all of it, can't or won't stand up to any of it...no spine at all. Last time he did, they separated and DIL got him for large child support order and he was not allowed to see thye child at all. He re-married her to make his life "EASIER"??? Now her control is 100 times worse than it was before knowing he will just follow like a whipped pup, makes me sad.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Nana on February 12, 2011, 03:22:49 AM
Pen I am so sorry that you have to be dealing with this issue. 
What is the matter with your dil?  Why call or text his son when he is spending time with you.  Obviously she does feel insecure when he is with you.  Or she might think you will put things in your son's head.  She needs to control overything.  Well How annoying anyway.  And Pen....nothing you can do.  Just count to 10 everytime she does this...

Love
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Mariatobe on February 12, 2011, 04:43:27 AM
Or for that matter, what's wrong with your son that he can't leave his phone in the car for an hour.  He feels the need to be in constant touch with her too.  She can only be in control if he lets her.  And he is.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 12, 2011, 05:41:57 AM
How long have they been married?
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pen on February 12, 2011, 07:18:42 AM
Honestly, if your DH was spending the day with his parents and did not acknowledge your calls or texts wouldn't you be livid when he got home? Give the poor guy a break - he was trying to be a responsible husband. She may have had car trouble or something.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Mariatobe on February 12, 2011, 07:27:55 AM
Yes, you're right.  It's all her fault.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on February 12, 2011, 07:45:16 AM
Quote from: Pen on February 11, 2011, 07:43:26 PM
True, but can you imagine the heck he'd have to deal with when he got home?

Pen,

Maybe he needs to deal with it. Maybe a confrontation with her would put him on better footing to respect his boundaries (even spouses have them!). She would understand why her texts aren't getting answered, and wouldn't have a reason to text or call.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 12, 2011, 07:47:37 AM
Good Morning Pen.... I know you've had so few chances to see your son that you are trying not to rock the boat.. but have you ever had the chance to ask him about all this? Has the fact that it almost appears (at least on the surface) that he is at her beck and call, ever come into conversation?  I'm sure he doesn't fear her, and I would hope that she doesn't retaliate in any manner after he arrives home. 

Of course Ican not speak for your son, but when your new dil announced that, as you put it, she hates you.. did you son ever say what those feelings and statement were based on? Is there anything that you can see that could lead to a more positive outcome?  Most importantly, has he ever said how he views his relationship with his wife and her family?

The phone game when he is visiting you is a control issue ... once he verified that she was not in any trouble, it would have been nice to see him not acknowledge the incoming messages... I know with my own dd, that she almost goes crazy if she can not at least look at a incoming message even if she doesn't reply.  I know it's not the incoming buzz that gets to you.. it's the fact that she can basically control his time with you even from afar.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on February 12, 2011, 07:53:08 AM
Quote from: Pen on February 12, 2011, 07:18:42 AM
Honestly, if your DH was spending the day with his parents and did not acknowledge your calls or texts wouldn't you be livid when he got home? Give the poor guy a break - he was trying to be a responsible husband. She may have had car trouble or something.

I do think you're right about this, but then again, I don't text/call incessantly when DH is with his parents. I text once, and I call if its an emergency. Texts aren't important, and I won't keep texting if I don't get a response; infact, a lot of times I text DH a tidbit of info to make him laugh--I ever expect a response.  If she's calling/texting over and over again for no reason, she should stop, or be more pleasant when she happens to be on a visit with you. It's just an assumption, but it sounds like she's trying to have it both ways. 

I do think you can ask him about this stuff. It is just a question; and I don't think you're putting her down by a simple question (especially if she's not there to hear it).
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Mariatobe on February 12, 2011, 08:00:03 AM
Sorry, but I'm not buying that its all bad DIL's fault.  If there's an emergency, I'm sure she can call Pen's home number.  He is allowing her to text.  In essence, he's the one who's being rude to his parents by not putting his cell phone away for a while.  Really, what did we used to do without them? 
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: seasage on February 12, 2011, 08:14:00 AM
Quote from: Pen on February 12, 2011, 07:18:42 AM
Honestly, if your DH was spending the day with his parents and did not acknowledge your calls or texts wouldn't you be livid when he got home? Give the poor guy a break - he was trying to be a responsible husband. She may have had car trouble or something.

AHA!  You gave me an idea.  For DIL's birthday or Christmas, I now have a gift in mind.  And as DIL is opening it, I am going to look DS squarely in the eye and say, "I noticed that you were always looking at DIL's text messages when you spent the day here, and I imagined you were worried if maybe she were having car trouble or something.  And then I thought - well, probably you are worried about her no matter where you are, and no matter whom you are with.  So I thought that if I gave her a membership to AAA, you wouldn't have to worry about her car, and she would be able to call someone right away to get help, and maybe that would free you up from all that constant checking of your messages."   

Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Rejected on February 12, 2011, 08:14:58 AM
Pen...I find this odd as well. Hmmm. The only thing I can possibly think of is that DIL feels that her DH gives too much info about their lives to you so her texts or calls is a way of stopping that...lol, I really don't know. When they were first married did you often verbally disagree/disapprove about decisions they made together? Did you ever talk to your DS and ask him not to tell his wife things that you talked about? Did you ever speak ill of your DIL's FOO to your son?  If you've done none of these then I think your DIL has control issues. I feel so sorry for you and your DS. It's a VERY tough situation you and your DS are in. He, on his own, needs to start putting his foot down to his wife but you can't tell him to do this because it would make the situation worse(DIL would say your interfering in their lives and get a tighter grip on DS). He needs to figure it out on his own and that will just take time. So sorry!
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Mariatobe on February 12, 2011, 08:19:19 AM
Seasage - I think that gift will go over like a ton of bricks. 
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: seasage on February 12, 2011, 08:52:58 AM
Mariatobe,

Of course it will!  Else what's the point?

But perhaps you can help me with a more serious texting problem.  What do I say to DIL when she is sitting across the table from me in a restaurant and texting?  Nothing?  Anything?   I consider it extremely rude, but have never had the guts to say anything to her about it.

seasage
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Mariatobe on February 12, 2011, 09:03:50 AM
I would look her straight in the eye and say "honey, do you mind putting the phone away until after dinner?"  Then don't say anything else.  Let it be on her.  But you said it in a nice way that's direct. 
I don't like cell phones at dinner.  This bothers me about my own husband.  When we visit people (including his own parents) and has a cell phone there.  I mean, who's supposed to call on Sunday night?  I've said it to him too.  Are others more important when you're visiting? Its not like your there for two weeks.  You can turn your cell off for  a few hours and disconnect to the world briefly while you visit.  I mean, how many emergencies in life really happen?
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on February 12, 2011, 11:21:00 AM
Seasage,

What would you say to a friend? Just pretend it's a friend texting, and say what you would say. The funny thing about texting, is that isn't it meant for when you can't have a conversation? So, to continue texting back and forth, seems the equivalent of a conversation to me. I do read my texts, but I have to remember to go back later when I'm focused and answer them. I can't concentrate on two things at once.

I think the thing with texting is people think they're so discreet about it, but it's really just as bad as a telephone conversation at dinner. The person is distracted from the "real" conversation at the table, and it can be disconcerting trying to have a conversation with that going on.

Texting at dinner is very commonplace among my age group,  so I imagine DIL's friends might not mind it much. Still, I think you can tell whether or not you're in a crowd that would be accepting of texting; a lot about the social situation can clue in as to whether or not it is the time or the place. Maybe she just needs to be reminded.  :)
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 13, 2011, 06:12:29 AM
[I do think you can ask him about this stuff. It is just a question; and I don't think you're putting her down by a simple question (especially if she's not there to hear it).
[/quote]


BAD MOVE!!!! Sorry for the all caps ladies. But that is only going to cause a problem. Under no circumstances should you EVER  talk to your son about his wife behind her back. If he says something like "OMG, I wish she'd quit texting me." Sure, go ahead. But otherwise it is going to come across as an attack against his wife, his lover, the other half of his soul. And well, ladies, that is just asking for trouble. Seriously, if my mom tried to say something bad about my husband, "$hit will hit the fan." as they say.

If you want to discuss this texting issue. Make it generic about Texting not about "DIL's Texting."

Additionally, I am in "the age group" with the whole texting at dinner etc. I HATE it. I think it is Horribly rude to the people that you are with. BUT, if my husband isn't with me and I am out with my mom I always text him back.

Also, how do you know that it is always his wife texting him while you guys are together. Could it be DIL mixed in with some buddies or work? Either way, this isn't an issue with DIL, this is an issue with DS. He is the one who is being rude with the texting etc. Maybe his buddies don't find it rude, but you do, So tell him "DS, I think it is really rude that during the little time we get to spend together, you can't give us your full attention. Can you put the phone away for a little?"

I mean, you don't use your phone in the movie theater or at church or while driving (PLEASE don't text and drive, it is dangerous!). Maybe put up a "Joke" sign (although dead serious lol) about "This House is a Cell Free Zone."

Just don't attack DIL, it will cause serious problems. You think it is "bad" now. It will get a whole lot worse.

My DH told his mother that I hate her. She then asked why. So I wrote a ltter with all the crap that she's put me through. Calling me fat at my dress fitting, telling me my cake was ugly and insisting that I change it, inviting herself along on our honeymoon, cutting up DH's food at our reception (that one is on tape!), and much much more. She denied everyone of them. Made me very sad. Now I barely speak to the woman. She can't take responsibility for her actions and respect my feelings. Her contact needs to be limited. :-(
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 13, 2011, 06:37:14 AM
Kinda contradicting yourself on the texting thing... your example, "So tell him "DS, I think it is really rude that during the little time we get to spend together, you can't give us your full attention. Can you put the phone away for a little?"
Yet you say, "BUT, if my husband isn't with me and I am out with my mom I always text him back".  Wouldn't it be viewed to be just as demanding if a mil took this advice and requested that you remove the phone to where you could not even look at your incoming messages?  This is one of those incidents where no matter which way you went (especially if you are a mil protesting) someone, somewhere will be sure to be offended.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: cremebrulee on February 13, 2011, 06:50:27 AM
Quote from: seasage on February 12, 2011, 08:52:58 AM
Mariatobe,

Of course it will!  Else what's the point?

But perhaps you can help me with a more serious texting problem.  What do I say to DIL when she is sitting across the table from me in a restaurant and texting?  Nothing?  Anything?   I consider it extremely rude, but have never had the guts to say anything to her about it.

seasage

That would bother me, and if I were with someone who was doing that, I'd say something like, "yanno, this is our quality time together, and it's hurting my feelings that you feel I'm of little importance, that you have to text while we're together".

Honestly, I don't believe they do it to be rude, they've been so used to texting being a part of they're lives, they just do it all the time, no matter where they are, and it's to me, enabling people to be rude...just like cell phones...but I'm way older, and all this technology is good, just feel there is a time and place for everything...and texting in front of someone is to me, very rude...unless, it is an emergency, but then, wouldn't you use a phone?
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on February 13, 2011, 06:55:56 AM
I know Pen well enough on here to know that she'd never attack anyone, not even her DIL. What is so wrong with: "What? No time for your old mom?" Is that really an attack? Make it funny, make it light, and make the point. Then see what DS says. No attack there, and no putdown to DIL or DS. Plenty of ways to address the issue without it being an attack.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 13, 2011, 07:08:11 AM
Holliberri.. I think I'd leave out the old :)
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on February 13, 2011, 07:14:19 AM
Sorry! Didn't mean that anyone here was old. Haha. Just what I would say...I try to hit myself first if I think someone might take what I say a hit. Acknowledging that texting is the new thing, and I am too old to understand it...that kind of thing.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 13, 2011, 07:16:14 AM
Accidentally knocking their cell phone into a sink full of dishwater will work too
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on February 13, 2011, 07:19:22 AM
New cell phones can be almost as expensive as new tires, though! :)
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 13, 2011, 07:58:15 AM
Quote from: holliberri on February 13, 2011, 07:19:22 AM
New cell phones can be almost as expensive as new tires, though! :)
Without a judge mandating it, I wouldn't be buying the replacement :)
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: luise.volta on February 13, 2011, 08:52:33 AM
Most of the time when we try to figure out why people do what the do...it's an exercise in futility. That's what they do. What we do to regain and maintain balance is where our power lies.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 13, 2011, 09:07:54 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on February 13, 2011, 08:52:33 AM
Most of the time when we try to figure out why people do what the do...it's an exercise in futility. That's what they do. What we do to regain and maintain balance is where our power lies.
And that folks is why the cell phone would accidentally fall into my dish water :)
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pen on February 13, 2011, 05:29:06 PM
Wow, I'm impressed - I had no idea this topic would attract so much attention, LOL.

Thanks for all the input. Just to clarify, I never said DS was texting nonstop during his visit with us. Someone asked if I'd done something to anger DIL such as talking about her or giving DS advice behind her back or whatever (sorry, I'm not energetic enough right now to find the exact post for an accurate quote.) The answer is no; by DIL's own admission we did nothing wrong.

I guess my main point got lost somewhere in the texting etiquette discussion. DIL keeps a tight rein on DS. He's uncomfortable contacting us unless she's not around. I miss my son and wish DIL would understand.

Trust me, I'm not that amazing for anyone to have to be jealous of me! I'm just a dunky old (well, kinda old) mom who wants to keep a good relationship w/DS while getting to know DIL better and hopefully having a good relationship with her as well.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 13, 2011, 06:01:01 PM
Seems simple enough doesn't it Pen.. but thinking of ways to kill her cell phone was much more fun.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Rose799 on February 13, 2011, 07:36:29 PM
Quote from: Pen on February 13, 2011, 05:29:06 PM
I'm just a dunky old (well, kinda old) mom who wants to keep a good relationship w/DS while getting to know DIL better and hopefully having a good relationship with her as well.

It doesn't seem like a lot to ask, huh?  I'm sorry you're hurting this way, Pen~
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on February 13, 2011, 07:44:42 PM
Me too.  :(
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Nana on February 13, 2011, 10:57:50 PM
Pen, of course you are amazing....and kinda old....well we all arel kind of old (well not all lol).  My God...I will be 60 on May....but I my essence, heart, and whatever I may have, are still there.  And yes we can make people jealous or envious....for whatever reason.   

You do deserve to have quality time with son.  Not too much to ask..... And observe how there are some real bad mils (witches) and some good dils with a lot of patience....giving them a lot of chances......grrrr.

Love you Pen
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 14, 2011, 09:41:27 AM
Quote from: seasage on February 12, 2011, 08:14:00 AM

AHA!  You gave me an idea.  For DIL's birthday or Christmas, I now have a gift in mind.  And as DIL is opening it, I am going to look DS squarely in the eye and say, "I noticed that you were always looking at DIL's text messages when you spent the day here, and I imagined you were worried if maybe she were having car trouble or something.  And then I thought - well, probably you are worried about her no matter where you are, and no matter whom you are with.  So I thought that if I gave her a membership to AAA, you wouldn't have to worry about her car, and she would be able to call someone right away to get help, and maybe that would free you up from all that constant checking of your messages."

Seasage- I have to ask, respectfully of course, because your posts do amuse me when you give ideas of how to handle certain situations.  But do you actually do these things?  I don't "know you" well enough to know if this is just a big joke or if you are halfway serious.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: pam1 on February 14, 2011, 09:50:13 AM
lol, my DH stares at his phone all the time and it's not me texting.  I personally think it's rude but everyone's doing it.  DH is checking the scores from all different types of games and playing games that comes on the phone.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: luise.volta on February 14, 2011, 10:02:26 AM
It's funny and I also know, since I was born in the 1920's when we picked up the speaking part of the phone in one hand, holding it it in front of us while held up the listening part of the phone to our ear and said, "Mary would you please get me, Shirley?," (that's the truth)...that I come from another era. But...I also think it's sad. Is acknowledging others, focusing one them, listening intently, responding thoughtfully...being lost?
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pooh on February 14, 2011, 10:21:56 AM
I think it is being lost Luise.  With all the technology available, it is now easy.  I can sympathize with Pen, as this was one of the things I took major issue to with my DS.  If he visited, or we went somewhere...ting..ting..ting, very five minutes and if he didn't answer, ring..ring...ring...she would call 5 times in an hour.  I have no problems with her being able to get in contact with him for problems or emergencies, but not the case.  It was a simple flex of power to say, "He may be with you, but I am making sure he is also with me."  I did blame DS for putting up with it and finally got mad one day and flat out said, "Ok, you do know there is a difference between checking in and checking up?"   He said, "She just misses me."  I responded with, "I miss you too, even when you are with me."  He didn't get it and not long after that, stopped going places with me.  He later admitted to his YS it was just to much of a hassle for him to go anywhere because she was always doing that, not just with me, but his friends.  Ummmm....Ok....so put a stop to it.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: luise.volta on February 14, 2011, 10:38:57 AM
I certainly do not take a "bah, humbug" stance regarding technology...if I did, I would never have "met" any of you. Yet my dear friend, Jim, has a cell phone that he "can't" turnoff or retrieve messages from. And I have to write him by snail mail because he's never had a computer and email. When he gets my letters...four days later they are obsolete because we talk every night. Those in my generation who don't want to play and say they "can't" miss a lot.

That said, overuse...is something else. I don't see why not answering the phone isn't appropriate. I look at the Caller ID and pass on it when I am with friends. Easy. I'm selective about technology. For instance, I don't use Call Waiting. That's because I have been told too many times, when talking with someone..."Oh, this is important...I have to take this call." I'm not referring to people who are working or have little kids...I'm talking about careless, thoughtless folk.

Mimi-rant...
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pooh on February 14, 2011, 10:48:46 AM
I agree.  Even if DH and I are in a conversation, and our phones ring, we look at the ID and ignore it if its not work, or a parent, child. (both of us on call 24/7).  That's what voice mail is for!  And if it is a parent or child and it's not important, I say, "Let me call you right back.  I am in the middle of something."  Same thing with texts.  We glance and then ignore if its not important.  I don't get why that is hard to do for some people.  Again, and I say this too much, but it is my belief, common courtesy.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: pam1 on February 14, 2011, 10:51:22 AM
Oh I know.  I don't even take my phone in with me to eat or anything.  But friends?  ugh, you can't wait 30 mins?  Rude little buggers.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: luise.volta on February 14, 2011, 10:51:27 AM
Lovely word...courtesy.  :)
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pooh on February 14, 2011, 10:55:34 AM
I even explain to friends and family that we are on call all the time, so that when I do have to glance down at the texts, they understand.  And I follow that with, "I'm so sorry."  Of course they understand, but I try very hard to make it as discreet as possible.  Oops, there's that common courtesy again...my bad.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 14, 2011, 12:16:50 PM
I am in the "technology" generation. Most of the time I leave my phone on vibrate in my purse and never hear it go off! lol I hate when DH receives texts when we are together (most of the time it is MIL). I remember one time we were having a conversation when she called. I told him, don't you dare answer that phone while we are having a conversation! lol

Sorry, but as much as your DIL texts when you are with your son. My MIL does that when I am with DH which other than the weekend is very little time at all. This week, I'll only see him 2 nights. :-(
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: luise.volta on February 14, 2011, 12:23:28 PM
Time to turn 'em off. (The cells not the relatives.)  :-X
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pooh on February 14, 2011, 01:02:53 PM
I wish I could and I would if that was possible to be more courteous.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: luise.volta on February 14, 2011, 01:24:01 PM
Well, no, not the 24/7, 911-cop-couple! Never!
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: stilltryen on February 14, 2011, 05:52:05 PM
My SIL does that with my brother.  Every time he leaves the house to go anywhere, she's constantly on the phone.  Worse yet is what she does when he's home!  When he's at home and talking to someone, she'll come in and start talking to him.  I've been on the phone several times when I'll hear her blabbing in the background, he'll go, "Hold on," and yell, "I'm on the phone!"  Because she'll ask, he always follows up with, "I'm talking to my sister."  He'll chat about 30 seconds more and I'll hear her again.  Then we go through the, "Hold on," and I'll hear him yelling, "Yes, I'm still on the phone.  I'll let you know when I'm off."  Thirty seconds later, here she is again.  Like, "Have you seen my slippers?" is so stinking important that she can't give him 5 minutes on the phone.  Everyone hates to talk to him on the phone, because she will incessantly interrupt. 
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: pam1 on February 15, 2011, 07:18:28 AM
I just remembered when DH and I first moved in together.  If we were in separate rooms DH would text me to tell me something LOL. 
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 15, 2011, 07:37:18 AM
I'll text DH to bring me up a glass of water when he comes up that way I don't have to get out of bed for it or yell down the stairs.... Boy is it disappointing when I hear his phone go off on the nightstand! LOL
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pooh on February 15, 2011, 07:44:44 AM
All of our friends get a kick out of me and DH facebooking each other in the house.  He will be upstairs in the office on the computer, and I will be downstairs on my laptop, and we will be fighting (playing) back and forth on our walls.  ;D
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on February 15, 2011, 08:04:49 AM
Quote from: Pooh on February 15, 2011, 07:44:44 AM
All of our friends get a kick out of me and DH facebooking each other in the house.  He will be upstairs in the office on the computer, and I will be downstairs on my laptop, and we will be fighting (playing) back and forth on our walls.  ;D

Oh, guilty of that too. LOL.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: pam1 on February 15, 2011, 08:27:00 AM
You guys are so funny!
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: catchingup on February 15, 2011, 12:21:40 PM

This texting someone in the next room reminds me of my son when he was home from the UK
He was on his laptop in the next room and I was on my computer when I received an email
"Hot water bottle please"
I did get the hot water bottle afterall he was a guest in my/ his home ;)
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: pam1 on February 15, 2011, 01:08:14 PM
Geeeez, at least he said please!  lol
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: stilltryen on February 18, 2011, 11:08:44 AM
My son and DIL got married in their late twenties.  They're used to doing things on their own.  DIL used to go have dinner at her parents' home once a week.  So, when they first got married, she & DS both would go once a week.  After a couple of months, DS said, "Uh, not so much."  DIL will now go over maybe once or twice a month, and DS may or may not go with.  DIL goes shopping with her mom, just the two of them, at least once a month.  So yes, DIL spends time with her folks alone.  We live close to where DS works, so once in a while I'll arrange to meet him for lunch and we catch up, or he'll stop by here on his way home and stay for a while until the traffic dies down a bit.  I don't see any problems with that.  They do so many things together as a couple and they do things each on their own.  Gratefully neither one of them are paranoid or clingy or jealous of each other.  And yes, they do come over as a couple as well, and now that they have the most beautiful baby girl in the whole wide world (my granddaughter and yes, I am, in fact, totally biased on this issue), I'm even seeing DIL alone as well.  She's figured out I'm a total patsy for babysitting, so she comes up once in a while and drops off baby, or I'll drive down to their house to watch baby.  We sit and chat for a while, so it's good.  I'm actually getting along much better with her now that they have a baby............hmmmmmm   ::)
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: jill on February 18, 2011, 11:20:21 AM
Stilltryen, 
That's lovely story, I'm so happy for you..................Jill
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pooh on February 18, 2011, 11:36:21 AM
That's wonderful stilltryen, and sound like a great balance between everyone.  So happy for you!
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 18, 2011, 12:02:50 PM
Quote from: stilltryen on February 18, 2011, 11:08:44 AM
I'm actually getting along much better with her now that they have a baby............hmmmmmm   ::)

Maybe she understands better now what it means to be a mother and can understand you a little better in the process.. glad to hear it.. this is what we are all shooting for
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on February 18, 2011, 12:05:18 PM
ST,

I'd say you're very fortunate. I'm hoping this is the case for few of the new grandmothers-to-be on here.

I just feel like I've read on here too often that things have gotten worse once the baby is born.

I'm very happy for you.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 18, 2011, 03:02:34 PM
Yes, I'm a granny in the makin and I hope that we can grow past some of the foolishness that has created such strife in our family.

My own dil has called me 3 times in the last two weeks to talk to me about her pregnancy... while I don't walk on eggshells I do watch what I'm saying.. Hopefully all will end well.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Nana on February 19, 2011, 04:59:11 PM
Laurie...yes you are a granny in the making -- still cooking.....everything will be fine I believe.  You have had your lessons (lol) in this site.  You will know exactly what to do. 

Holli...things with dil can get better or worse after the first gc is born.   I was thinking it makes sense, I really felt more love for my mom when I became one.  When I hold my baby and felt this intense feeling (love) for my child I thought "Oh God, my mo felt this way about me too".  We did have a better relationship with her after I became a mother. 

Stilltryen:  So happy for you working things out.  You can better appreciate the balance you are not having because you have been on the other side of the fense.  Congrats.

Good luck to you all.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: justus on February 21, 2011, 02:02:46 PM
I can be what appears to be jealous, but usually later on I find out my instincts were right. My xH cheated on me from the moment we were together and his friends and extra-curricular activities were much more important than me and eventually the kids. He never was committed. Believe me, I take the blame for staying with him as long as I did. I should have listened to my gut.

I was upset when he spent time with his OB, but they thought I was jealous. My gut was right. His OB was bad knews on so many levels and xH got into a lot of bad things with him. I am not blaming OB, because xH had a choice, I am now looking back and seeing that it wasn't jealousy, it was my instincts kicking in.

DH didn't have both feet in the M and didn't realize it until we were dealing with the aftermath of his emotional affair. Before that I was uncomfortable with him hanging out with a certain people (one group had at least two affairs happen within their group) and I don't think a man with kids has any business going out without his W and staying out late. Now that DH is totally committed, I am a lot more comfortable with him going out without me, not that he does very often. I am just more sure of him and his ability to honor his commitment to me. He had a huge problem with boundaries with other woman that he has dealt with and now has very firm boundaries.

From the outside, I looked jealous when really I have very good reasons to be insecure and protective.

So, I wonder how secure your DIL is in her M. I am not saying she has a reason to be jealous of you, but her way with you may be a bi-product of her not being very sure of your DS's commitment to her. Just throwing that out there as a possibility.

Also, many of our friends work in the same place we do. Before I worked here, conversation tended to be about the shop, which left me totally out of the loop. I sat there with nothing to add and bored to tears. Any attempt to change the subject was successful for only a short time. It really sucked. So, I kind of understand your DIL's perspective a little. It would have gone a long way if you had been more sensitive to her perspective and tried to keep the conversation at her level. We have to do this with SIL. All of our working vocabularies are astoundingly large and our dinner conversations are tough to keep up with for the average bear. SIL's family did not value education or reading, so he was totally lost. We didn't realize it until SD told us, so then we calibrated the conversation so that we talked about what he did and what he was interested in punctuated with our fast paced hard to keep up with conversations. He really appreciated it and they started to come over more because he felt a lot more comfortable. He is not an idiot by any means, his intelligence is just in a different area. We have come to value what he brings to the table.

I don't know what to tell you to salvage the situation, just to be more understanding of her. She is just a kid, and has a lot of growing up to do.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pooh on February 22, 2011, 06:41:55 AM
Justus, I would bet you are correct in many situations that a DIL has reasons to appear jealous if the DH is giving her reason.  And if she has suspicions that something is going on, totally understandable that she would want to limit his time away with certain people and be upset if he went.

I agree with you that when a person marries, they should expect to change their lifestyle.  You shouldn't expect to still be able to go out to bars all night with your friends.  You can't be married and still live the single life.  You had a situation where you should have been leery of him going somewhere with an OB that had bad intentions.

In my case, I look at the big picture.  If my DIL didn't want him to go out with some single friends to a bar all night, totally understandable.  But when she doesn't want him to go play golf with his YB, Dad and Grandpa without her?  Or go over to a house where 5 other guys are (no women) and play pool and video games every once in a while?  Or go to the bass pro shop with a buddy?  Or go fishing with a friend.  Yes, there is a true issue when it boils down to you can't go anywhere or do anything without me.  And if you do, I am going to call and bug you constantly so you don't enjoy it and maybe that way, you will not do it next time.  That is total control and insecurity on her part.  It's not that we don't see them that I feel this way, it's the entire picture she is painting and has painted in the past, even while dating.

And I bet this is going to get a stir out of some people on here, but I'm saying it anyway...lol.  I have heard so many times from people at work, friends, etc..."Well if I am getting accused of it....I might as well be doing it."  I don't agree with that, but I do see where they are coming from.  How can you be trustworthy if you are never given trust to begin with?  And I have seen in my lifetime, more affairs at the workplace and online, than I ever have at a bar watching a football game. 

I never fret about DH when he is away from me.  And I never feel jealous of his time with other people, because he gives me plenty of his time.  I think when you have a DH that doesn't give you time, then you should be jealous when he spends time with everyone else.  That's human nature and understandable.  It's jealousy born from hurt because he is making it obvious that you are a low priority and that other things/people are more important.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on February 22, 2011, 07:27:15 AM
I'm really not sure why a DIL would be jealous of DH's FOO.  I can't come up with very many good reasons for that.

While I don't control DH's time with his family (nor do I call when he's with them), I can see where the only thing I worried about when he was with them was what might be being said about me. I know what is said about me when I'm there, and I don't like it. But, I also believe that if I'm not around, they have less reason to think about me, and thus I might not come up in conversation (at least I hope!).

I also worried about what DH might say about me. We all have gripes (even with our  significant others) that we might mention to another person from time to time.  MIL likes to take those and blow those out of proportion (I've seen her do it with her family and my BIL's wife).

Still, it boils down to that trust issue. I have to trust that no matter what MIL is saying, that DH sees through it, or knows me well enough to keep small problems in perspective to possible, bigger ones. That means I let him have his time, and I stay off the phone. He's known her a lot longer than I have, and he's got her number and his own way of handling things. I'm trusting him not to buy into what she says too much simply because he loves me enough not to.

I have to trust that for the same reasons that I have to let him have "guy time" and that when he calls and says he's working late I believe him. No matter what has happened to me in the past, I can't control what happens in the future. I can call, check e-mail, go everywhere with him, but inevitably, if he's going to do something that would break my trust in him, he's probably going to do it. Trust is what allows us to go to bed at the end of the day with a little sanity and less tension.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pooh on February 22, 2011, 07:48:28 AM
I think you nailed it holli.  I think my DIL is afraid of what everyone will say if she's not there.  I think there are issues going on in their relationship, and she is afraid he will discuss it with family, and we will agree with him. 

And I know it is said here many times, that I as a Mother should say, "Honey, you need to be talking to her about this, not me." and stay out of it, and I would to a certain extent...but I am not going to sit her and lie.  If my DS said, "Mom, I want out of my marriage but I don't know how I am going to do it" I wouldn't say, "It's none of my business, talk to her."  I would be giving him advice to get a lawyer, offer him a place to stay until it was all over and he was back on his feet.  I would offer him support and advice, because he is my Son.  I think there is a difference in intruding into a marriage, and offering support once a decision is made.  Would I also ask questions to make sure he had thought of everything?  Yep.  I would ask if he had tried everything to make it work.  I would ask if he thought counseling might help, etc.  But the bottom line would be, I am his Mother and would offer to help.  I think there is a difference in a Mother asking things that are none of her business about a marriage, and offering advice and support if it is brought to her.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pen on February 22, 2011, 08:03:18 AM
It suddenly occurred to me while reading everyone's posts that perhaps the reason my DIL acts this way is because she assumes that since she and her FOO talk about us with DS when we're not there, we must be doing the same thing when she's not there.

We've been excruciatingly careful about not discussing DIL or her FOO with DS.

I still think it's a form of abuse to be so controlling that one's spouse is discouraged from communicating or visiting with family or friends.

Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: LaurieS on February 22, 2011, 08:16:47 AM
I know with my own DIL, she doesn't seem to want to be with us, and even effectively blocks my ds's time with us.  I do not think that she is worried about what we may say when she isn't there, I think she is more concerned with missing out on something that could be construed as being fun. 

Once when I did put  my foot down about spending our day with her FOO, dil did start with the pia texting to our son.. problem was.. ds was driving my car so he asked his sister to read the text to him. I thought it was funny but now there was no hiding her attitude.  DD replied and informed dil that it was she texting and not her db/dh... well that was one way to end it... But later when she found out that we as a family were heading out to do something that she thought she would have enjoyed, she asked that we wait while she 'ditched' her family, because now all of a sudden we were important.  DS told her no that we were not changing plans or holding up waiting for her, that it was her decision from the beginning and she had set her priorities and to live with it.   

So is that a control issue.. a issue with insecurities, or simply a person who is only capable of thinking of what she wants?
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on February 22, 2011, 08:47:09 AM
Pooh,

I think there's a marked difference between interfering in a marriage and helping someone who has decided to end their marriage. In fact, I think when the support system that was once your marriage falls apart, other support systems (family and friends) come to the forefront once more. I saw my dad go through his divorce entirely alone, and he spent it in a bar. Some family around would've helped tremendously, I think.

I also see that an insecure DIL would be worried about what is said to her DH when she's not around. I don't even think it has to be blown out of proportion; I think a DIL with a little insecurity may be worried that DH may complain about her cooking (or not cooking) to his mom. I could see someone being so worried about that they call all the time. You can't control the insecurity, but you can try to avoid the outcome you're afraid of (which isn't really a bad outcome anyway).

Pen, this is the first time I felt sorry for your DIL. I wouldn't like growing up in a family like that. She also must be very sheltered if she can't see that not all families behave like that.

Laurie, I think your DIL could be doing that b/c she's only worried about what she wants and getting her own way. I also think it is possible that she feels so obligated to her parents that she wouldn't dream of changing plans with them; she would just naturally expect that everyone else revolve around her family as well.  My MIL comes up with ridiculous schedules to do everything she wants to do (that hardly any of us can keep up with), and it's b/c she really does want to do everything. She can't bare the thought of something going on that she might miss. The reason our b-day party for DIL couldn't be the week before the one she wanted was b/c it's her nephew's birthday then. She's not willing to pick and choose.

Whether it interest in only having it her own way or a perceived obligation, it points to underlying immaturity, I think.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on February 22, 2011, 08:52:55 AM
Pen!

One more thing...I think it is a form of abuse too. We all have insecurities; we shouldn't let them get the best of us or our spouses.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Rose799 on February 22, 2011, 09:37:37 AM
Quote from: Pooh on February 22, 2011, 07:48:28 AM
I think you nailed it holli.  I think my DIL is afraid of what everyone will say if she's not there.  I think there are issues going on in their relationship, and she is afraid he will discuss it with family, and we will agree with him. 

That works both ways, I doubt DHs enjoy DWs sharing with their FOO either.   But worrying about what DH might say, to me, is not reason enough to cut off FOO.   Personally, i preferred that DH share with DM than his friends.  MIL was sometimes helpful, advising from a woman's point of view. 

It was a necessity that we interact with DH's ex-wife in regard to DC.  Though I wasn't ecstatic, I was fully aware of their existence before we married.  We don't promise to dump our entire life history as part of the wedding vows.  It would have been nice to have avoided some of the pitfalls of ex's & extended family, but we weathered through them, as we have money, illness, & DC's issues.  DH has stood the test of time for almost 35 years.  I heard a woman on Oprah's show the other day say, "Without tests, there can be no testimony."  Boy, ain't that the truth!  ;D 




Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on February 22, 2011, 09:43:42 AM
Rose,

I think it definitely works both ways. I think there are some SILs that are just as insecure as  that DIL, and I think there are also some that are so controlling that what they do is abusive.

I don't think it's reason for cuttong FOO off (I haven't really been able to justify many reasons for that either), but I think that's what some DILs do. I can't justify cleaning my top shelves weekly either, but generally when I start doing it on a weekly basis, it has more to do with anxiety than the shelves themselves; and dust is something I spend a lot of time controlling. I could see an insecure DIL trying to cut off a DH's FOO for anxiety about how they feel about her.

Rose, I wish my mom would be a little like you. She has already told DH and me that if we are ever to divorce, she's never talking to him again. No matter how much I tell her I need her to talk to him (due to our DD), even if I don't want her to talk him, she doesn't listen. She sees it as disloyal, while I see it as rising above. I see the harm it can do to my children, while she only sees that talking to an ex of mine only causes harm to me. For now, I'm just thankful that DH and I are at this juncture, happily married.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pooh on February 22, 2011, 09:58:45 AM
I think it definately works both ways too.  I would rather eat dirt than talk to my Ex, but if something happened to my YS and I got a call, I would still call him to let him know what was going on.  He is their father and deserves to know.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: pam1 on February 22, 2011, 10:07:04 AM
Hmm..I think baseless worry of what FOO might say about a spouse is not a reason for cutoff.  But they might actually have a valid reason to worry.  Is it a pattern?  Has it happened before and how much has it impacted their marriage? 

I don't really care what any of DH's FOO says about me, I've gotten to the point where I know exactly where I stand and I'm under no illusion that they actually like me as a person.  Now, if they could behave civilly around me and DH, I'd still participate in some of their stuff.  They can't, so I don't.  And DH, using his own brain, decided he doesn't want to either.

To me this isn't even a strict in law or cut off issue, most people don't go around where they are not wanted or respected. 

And then there are those who will project and assume you're doing it to them b/c they do it to you. 
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on February 22, 2011, 10:12:53 AM
Quote from: pam1 on February 22, 2011, 10:07:04 AM
And then there are those who will project and assume you're doing it to them b/c they do it to you.

Oh, yes. Projection. If it weren't this very issue, I think a lot of arguments could be avoided.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Rose799 on February 22, 2011, 10:47:57 AM
Quote from: holliberri on February 22, 2011, 09:43:42 AM
Rose, I wish my mom would be a little like you. She has already told DH and me that if we are ever to divorce, she's never talking to him again. No matter how much I tell her I need her to talk to him (due to our DD), even if I don't want her to talk him, she doesn't listen. She sees it as disloyal, while I see it as rising above. I see the harm it can do to my children, while she only sees that talking to an ex of mine only causes harm to me. For now, I'm just thankful that DH and I are at this juncture, happily married.

No, no, no, in no way was I born a natural, Holli.  I've evolved over time & I'm not cooked yet!  :)  I suspect your DM will do likewise.  We all carry excess baggage.  She may be a little over-protective because she doesn't want for you what she's been through.  She sees you & GD as a package, & her loyalty is with her DC.  DH will grow on her over time & will become part of the package, too.  I'm careful who I loan my car out to & it was difficult watching my DDs drive away in it as teenagers.  I'd think about how all my eggs were in that one basket.  You don't graduate high school without being tested.  Yet, we have to hand over our DDs to marriage & trust that they know what they're doing.  As Luise would say, simple, but not easy... 
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on February 22, 2011, 10:56:04 AM
I certainly hope you're right, Rose! I hadn't looked at it like that! :)
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pooh on February 22, 2011, 11:06:03 AM
Quote from: Pen on February 22, 2011, 08:03:18 AM
I still think it's a form of abuse to be so controlling that one's spouse is discouraged from communicating or visiting with family or friends.

I agree with you Pen.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: luise.volta on February 22, 2011, 11:31:12 AM
And a form of self-absorbed stupidity! Not  that I have any strong feelings on the subject.  >:( >:(
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pooh on February 22, 2011, 11:51:23 AM
Me neither!  ;D
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Rose799 on February 22, 2011, 12:21:07 PM
Quote from: holliberri on February 22, 2011, 10:56:04 AM
I certainly hope you're right, Rose! I hadn't looked at it like that! :)

For the record, Holli, my dh was in a similar state as your dad after his divorce.  He initiated it, but was heartsick over leaving dc behind.  He drank to drown his sorrows.   He had several strikes working against him – an overbearing dm, ex-wife, dc, & alcohol.  Long story short; I got lucky!   :)
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on February 22, 2011, 12:47:33 PM
LOL. May my dad (no longer drinking his sorrows away now!) find a lady as nice (and, apparently understanding and openminded!) as you someday!
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Rose799 on February 22, 2011, 01:53:28 PM
Quote from: holliberri on February 22, 2011, 12:47:33 PM
LOL. May my dad (no longer drinking his sorrows away now!) find a lady as nice (and, apparently understanding and openminded!) as you someday!

Thanks Holli, but I wouldn't describe myself that way.  I was young & naive when I fell in to that trap!  I really did get lucky though!   ;D
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: ladyfirstdilsecond on February 26, 2011, 02:43:42 PM
Maybe she feels threatened?  I know that when my MIL and GMIL insisted that DH come over more often (and they were specific that I was NOT to come as they wanted "private" time with DH--to talk about me, because he would come home and ask me if I did XYZ when there was no way in hell I had), I never wanted him to go.  It may be that your DIL doesn't feel comfortable so she reverts to childlike behaviors.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: willingtohelp on March 01, 2011, 08:12:49 AM
It might be something a bit simpler.  My DH and I have what we term "Me" time and "We" time.  "We" time is the time we set aside to spend together.  This may be going to the park with LO or it may be cleaning out the closet and switching over from spring to winter clothes.  Regardless of what it is, "we" time is important to us.   Our typical schedule has us getting up with LO at 6:30 AM, eating breakfast, getting everyone dressed, and leaving for work at 8:00 AM.  I take LO to the daycare at my work, head up to my floor.  I leave work on a good day around 5:30, on a normal day around 6-6:15, get home, make dinner, put LO to bed, which then leaves me from 8:30-10PM to do whatever chores I need to get done and 30 minutes on the elliptical before I get ready for bed.  My DH's schedule is similar.  So we're really only left with Saturday and Sunday to have any "we" time to begin with.  Add in the fact that Saturday and Sunday are the days we do the "real chores", take LO to the park or other fun activity, go to church, and get the grocery/supplies shopping done, and alone time for either of us is at a premium. 

I imagine if I were a SAHM that I'd be able to spend more time with my friends and local family than DH because he would be looking at the Saturday and Sunday are the only days free schedule and I wouldn't.  As it stands now, neither of us spend a lot of alone time with our families or friends.  DH has a standing game once a week with some friends from college on Friday nights, and I do my long runs on the weekends with some of the other mommies and our LOs, but we both acknowledge that we're choosing to spend our "me" time this way and rarely budget other "me" time during the week. 

When my mom visits, I take off work for the time she's here or go half day.  So I am sacrificing my work time to spend time with her instead of we time.  But I have to admit, if my DH took off time, too, my mom and I would be thrilled to have him tag along.  He just doesn't because he would prefer to use some of his vacation time in other ways. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it might not be a "this person is intimidated" or "this person is jealous" as much as it is "these people are overscheduled and this time is taking away from things that need to be done".  Our first duty is to our LO, then to each other, then to everyone else.  So if a room needs painted or LO needs us to get something, that comes ahead of my run or his game or anything else.  But if one partner isn't committed to this and procrastinates, I would imagine it would be annoying and frustrating.  She might just be trying to make his "me" time annoying so that he finishes his "we" responsibilities before going out. 
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pen on March 01, 2011, 08:44:22 AM
In my situation, DIL & DS have plenty of time alone together & to hang out with her FOO, but none for us. They see them daily. We get the leftovers if anything. DIL is able to see her FOO w/o DS often, DS has only seen us w/o DIL 4 X in as many years. DH & I have refused to talk about DIL on those occasions when he was venting about her shunning of us; we told DS to work it out with his wife because she was his priority now. As I said in my OP, he calls or texts when she's away so I know he thinks about us and wishes we could be closer. Again, my involvement was over (according to DIL) when I gave birth to DS. Spawn & die. DS has been absorbed into a new, shinier family.  It hurts a lot.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Tara on March 01, 2011, 08:50:19 AM
Pen, 

Yes, it does hurt alot.  My dil has apparently now managed to shut out my ds entire extended family and myself.


Clover,  I am semi retired now and hearing your schedule sure brought back memories.    I don't know how you do it.
this is a little off topic but in recent years I have found if I'm getting sick, if I just rest and take it easy, it goes away super
fast, but realized when you work (or have young kids) you don't have that luxury.  You seem like a very reasonable person
with a tight schedule.  I love how you take a half day off to spend time with your mom. 

My step dtr also takes off from work, and works from home when we go visit. 

Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pen on March 01, 2011, 09:05:41 AM
Tara, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope things change, somehow. (Do you need your car repaired? It worked for Faithlooksup...)

Clover, we had busy schedules too - both of us taking classes, 2 kids, one disabled, all the kids activities, PT, OT, 2 jobs outside the home each equalling more than full-time, & "we" time when we could get a sitter. Somehow we managed to participate in family gatherings while we still had family to gather with. Now that our extended family has shrunk due to deaths and moves, I'm glad we took the time. My kids are, too.

BTW, does your DS take time off to see his DM? Would you have a problem with it if he did?
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 01, 2011, 09:17:04 AM
Quote from: Pen on March 01, 2011, 09:05:41 AM
BTW, does your DS take time off to see his DM? Would you have a problem with it if he did?

I know the question wasn't for me, but it made me think.... Hmmmm.... Firstly, I would never take off work to spend time with my mom. (Sorry mom, I DO love you!). My vacation is so limited and it is for DH and I to take trips together. Maybe 2-3 days with my brother and his wife if we can stand them for that long. We've learned that a whole week is TOO much time with them lol. But NEVER again with His family. The last ime was too much. I could handle a day trip with them though just nothing over 24 hours at a time. :)

Would I mind if DH took off work to visit his mom? DH gets the same vacation amount that I do. And well, that's for us. BUT he does have some accrued comp time. If he wants to use that to go see his mom, I wouldn't have a problem with it at all.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pooh on March 01, 2011, 09:24:16 AM
I'm with you Pen.  I have said before, I too had a too-hectic schedule but still managed to see both sides of the family.  I do think that it does make a big difference in the feelings about it too if you have the knowledge that the other side of the family is getting plenty of time.  Everyone has the right how to decide to spend their time, and if they were not visiting anyone, it would be easier to swallow.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: seasage on March 01, 2011, 09:31:44 AM
Quote from: Pen on March 01, 2011, 08:44:22 AM
As I said in my OP, he calls or texts when she's away so I know he thinks about us and wishes we could be closer. Again, my involvement was over (according to DIL) when I gave birth to DS. Spawn & die. DS has been absorbed into a new, shinier family.  It hurts a lot.

Exactly our situation also.  He never calls or sends an email unless he is between the bus stop and the office door, or is in an airport without DIL.  Still, we feel very lucky, because he comes home once a year --- without DIL, of course, because she will have nothing to do with us.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on March 01, 2011, 09:37:23 AM
Geez,

DH's commute is an hour and a half with traffic at times. I'm pretty sure he calls his mom during that time, just b/c I do ask him if he's talked to them.

My commute is lengthy too, so if I need to call people, that's when I do it.

When we're around each other we're off the phone. Very simple. It's not a rule, but it's how it worked out. We enjoy the company on the phone as we slug on home. He doesn't turn down a phone call if it pops in, but he isn't making them.

I hope no one is thinking that he is afraid to talk to them while I'm around, b/c I just don't think it's the case.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: seasage on March 01, 2011, 09:44:11 AM
Quote from: Pooh on March 01, 2011, 09:24:16 AM
I'm with you Pen.  I have said before, I too had a too-hectic schedule but still managed to see both sides of the family.  I do think that it does make a big difference in the feelings about it too if you have the knowledge that the other side of the family is getting plenty of time.  Everyone has the right how to decide to spend their time, and if they were not visiting anyone, it would be easier to swallow.

Pooh, I also know how hard that is to swallow.  I used to be a little bit jealous that DS and DIL invite her FOO to spend many days/weeks in their home each year.  We are not welcome there.  DS wants us to come, but for DIL it would be "over my dead body".  She has said she would leave home if we were there.  DS and DIL spend all the holidays with her FOO, plus lots of other vacations away with them.  We get nothing except a once-a-year visit from DS.  I am learning to cherish those visits and not ask for more.  I am slowly coming to accept the status quo.  I believe I can accept it because I still get a little bit of time with DS.  I can accept it because I am slowly becoming a WildWoman, with many online friends here.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pooh on March 01, 2011, 09:49:11 AM
I understand completely seasage and I too have come many, many eons in my thinking and acceptance since joining here.  I have accepted that he chooses to not make us part of his life.  Regardless if it's her, him or a combination of both, I have accepted it and just hope someday, he will change his mind.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: justus on March 01, 2011, 01:54:44 PM
Pen,
I think with your DIL there are a lot of issues that have nothing to do with you. First, that situation with her FOO is going to blow up and probably when they have kids. I hope your DIL will grow up enough to make a family with your DS that is separate from her FOO. And, I think that is the crux of the problem, she is not separate from her FOO. They sound totally enmeshed. If this is true, then I would bet it is considered disloyal for her to consort with and even like or grow fond of you.

My own M was completely jealous of my first MIL. She thought xMIL would replace her in my heart. It was a ridiculous fear, but a common one for my M. She was threatened by anyone who might take precedence over her in her children's lives. If we had not moved away immediately, I imagine I would have been very much like your DIL. I was responsible for my M's emotional well-being and if that meant I had to limit my and even H's time and relationships with his FOO so that she would feel secure in our relationship, well, I would have done that. It was what I was trained to do from infancy and I knew nothing different. Besides, by M is a master manipulator. Moving away was the best thing I could have done.  I grew up, and eventually cut her off because she expected me to put her ahead of my DH.

I know some women like this who are so enmeshed with their FOO that there isn't room for ILs and they expect their DH's to just go along. It isn't just DILs who are like this, on the DIL boards, plenty of them complain that their H's family is like this, jealous and controlling.

Whatever the issue is, it really does come down to the spouse who is not from the enmeshed family. That person has to put his/her foot down and follow through whatever the consequences.

Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: willingtohelp on March 01, 2011, 02:33:33 PM
I know I typed a reply, but for some reason it isn't here.  If it is and I'm just too tired to notice it, forgive me please.  I want to make one thing clearer, I'm not taking weekly time off to see my mom.  She'll visit for a long weekend 2-3 times a year, and when she does, I'll take a half day on the Friday before and the Monday after off. 

As far as how I'd feel if my husband took a day off to see the ILs, I'm a "unique" situation.  We put my ILs in a long time out (we did tell them why) and they recently sought counseling and have begun making changes in their life.  We are beginning to renew a relationship, so at this time it would be odd for that to happen.  But assuming we had an OK relationship (and I give a lot of wiggle room for what counts as OK.  I'm saying that if ILs haven't cursed me or DH out, been violent with either of us, etc) and all his "chores were done" then that time is his to use as he sees fit (with the reasonable exclusion of extramarital affairs, strippers, etc). 

I agree that time outs or shunning without any explanation and an expectation to "brush things under the rug" afterwards is absurd.  I don't see how that could ever fix something.  But I think that clearly saying "I don't approve of X behavior and won't be around you when you're doing it" is acceptable and sometimes necessary.  And it takes a strong person to buck the "that's just how they are" mantra and say that "I'm not OK with that and that's just how I am".   

To those who have pointed out that they found time, maybe my DH and I just aren't as "family oriented".  We live states away from our families, so we can't do the quick dinner together.  There have been a ton of events we've sent a gift to because the travel would require too much time off of work.  And it's not that we're spending this time on a great vacation because we haven't been on one of those in six years.  There are plenty of nights he has to work late or I'm stuck at work, and even some weekends where one of us has to go in.  We chose to have full schedules, and now with our daughter, it's even fuller.  And when we're asked to prioritize, our daughter will come first, followed by our work, then anything extra.  And at least among my colleagues, we not odd.  I do take time off when my mom comes to town, but I'll admit, if she came at a time when it wasn't convenient, I wouldn't take the time.  And if she visited more than a couple of times a year, I wouldn't. 

For Pen, I'm sorry you don't get to see your son alone.  The only advice I can give is to speak up and ask him for more time.  He's really the one in charge of his "me" time and how it's spent and the best person to make it happen.  Or to at least explain why he can't if he's too busy.

                                                                                                         
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Nana on March 01, 2011, 03:03:15 PM
Seasage and Pen

I am so sorry that things are not good with dil and having time with son.  In your case Pen at least you know that son is not happy about the way wife is handling the relationship with you.  You know he loves you.  And as mothers, as much as we are hurting, we care more for our sons having a good marriage, because as you said, now wife ishould be his priority.
Sad that both things cannot be accomplished when dil is not willing to include us in their lives.


Believe that things can change.  I wish to hear from you a success story just like Faith just had.  I keep you all mil's/dil's who are hurting in my prayers.  We first have to accept things we cannot change, move forward, and then...time will tell. 

Love you all ladies.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: seasage on March 01, 2011, 03:07:39 PM
Nana,

I always look forward to reading your posts because they are so comforting.  Thank you for being here.

Love to you too.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pen on March 01, 2011, 03:22:20 PM
Thank you all for your kind and supportive responses. I am very grateful that DS indicates he loves us. Not all the moms here have that and it breaks my heart.

Every day I visualize peace and harmony between WWU and the people who are causing us pain. I truly hope we can get the outcomes that are best for all parties involved.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pen on March 07, 2011, 07:36:17 AM
Update:

DS has been contacting us and DIL has been very polite and friendly. We've met up a couple of times and enjoyed each other's company. DS continues to make it clear that he appreciates all we've done for him and that we aren't as pushy as DIL's FOO. I must remember this when I start feeling sorry for myself or envious because DIL's FOO is getting the bulk of DS's time.

I'm so very grateful for the support of all of you; without this site I can think of a million ways I could have totally botched it by now.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: justus on March 07, 2011, 07:56:06 AM
I was glad to read your update.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: holliberri on March 07, 2011, 07:57:42 AM
Yay, Pen! I'm willing to bet that deep down your DIL enjoys the simplicity and no pressure style of you and your DH too. I'm glad things are better!
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: Pooh on March 07, 2011, 08:28:39 AM
Yay!!!!!!  So glad Pen.  You are such a wonderful person and deserve this.
Title: Re: DIL feeling threatened?
Post by: lancaster lady on March 07, 2011, 02:20:22 PM
Pen:
I'm so pleased for you ...it seems to work when we back off and give them no pressure for visits .
You are his Mom always and forever .
I too hate that my DS spends more time with DIL FOO , but hopefully us less pushy Moms will have our day .....woohoo!!