Hi everyone!
I'm a lurker and very recent joiner - I see you have a collection of MILs, DILs and even FILs so I felt more comfortable asking my question on this forum! :)
I hope you don't mind me posting this in here as it's actually about my FMIL and there didn't seem to be a section on MILs but I'm really hoping you can help me understand her better as other than this issue we seem to get along really well!!
It's about my FMIL and cards (birthday/Christmas/mother's day/etc). I'll start at the beginning and sorry if it gets long!
I've been with my DF for nearly 2 years now. After dating about 5 months or so I was filling in my new work diary and asked him about family birthdays on his side. He gave me the dates and it turned out that FMILs birthday was only a month away. I asked him what he was getting her and he looked at me puzzled and said he hadn't sent her a card since he was 18 (he's in his 30's now!). I told him I thought that we should buy her a card this year.
After 3 weeks of mentioning buying a card whenever we went into the supermarket and being told "yeah I'll get one later", MILs birthday was 1 week away and I decided to buy one myself. I picked a lovely card with Mom on it that had a lovely verse. I gave it to DF and he really liked it but didn't write on it. So again I gave him a pen several times and asked him to write it....he got distracted with other things and didn't.
So 2 days before her birthday I saw he hadn't signed it so I wrote it myself 'with lots of love from DF and Laila'...and posted it.
MIL called on her birthday and said she'd thrown the card straight in the bin as "my son didn't write it so I don't want it". I was a bit hurt. :(
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So roll on Xmas and I again ask him about sending her a card while I'm buying one for my parents. He says he never does usually but if I feel like it then we can. So I bought a second card...exactly the same as for my parents.
I even got DF to sign his name this time!! I wrote the message but he wrote his name *rollseyes*.
When she received it she called to say it had gone in the bin again because "it didn't say mom on it". There were none left!!! But it was a nice card and my parents had the same one!! It was a 'To someone really special' card. I was a bit hurt again. :(
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Roll on Mothers Day...same hassle with him for a card...she binned it again "because it was too small...I deserve a bigger card oh and my son didn't write the whole message"
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So what do I do??
Have I done something really wrong here by sending her the cards?
Would you be offended to get a card from your son and DIL that she wrote on?
If you would, could you please explain why? As I'm stuck feeling very hurt by it, that I put in the effort to buy it/write it/post it to have it binned everytime because DF couldn't be bothered to write it himself.
Also would you still feel offended to get one if (after over a decade of no card from your son) you get remembered on your special occassions because your DIL thinks of you and cares enough that she doesn't want you to feel forgotten?
Should I just stop sending cards from now on?
Or carry on as we are?
There's no chance of DF buying one as he just doesn't see it as important....although he has NEVER forgotten one of our occasions (my birthday/anniversary/etc) and he can't explain why its different to send me a card but not his mom.
Please help!
Laila
Laila,
I am the MIL and have a MIL. My MIL would not mind at all if I sent it and signed our name but she is very considerate about cards herself. Now if my DIL signed one and sent it to me? I would be so thankful that she liked me enough to send one I would not ever throw it away. Matter of fact, I would probably frame it. But she hates me so that is probably never going to happen.
If I were in your shoes though, I would just probably not send another one, only because it seems to be a waste of time and money.
But don't beat yourself up over it because you are the better person. Some people just don't do the card thing. She is probably angry at her son and is jealous because you are trying to mend something that they are comfortable not mending right now.
You really seem like a sweetheart and I wish my DIL had a third of what you have.
HUGS to you and try to not dwell on it. You are the better person for being so considerate.
SAD
I think there is a good reason your DF doesn't send his mom cards and you are now seeing what he's been up against. His relationship with your FMIL is about them and is long-standing. I'd be very careful not to get in the middle. He's made it perfectly clear by giving cards to you that that's not the issue...so don't go there. And don't look for logic in her criticism. My guess is that it's not about you or the cards
Hi Laila,
I am another FDIL who was driven to this website by my FMIL - the women here are really supportive so you've found yourself a great place.
I agree with the other ladies - I think you should just stop sending cards to her. I think you may find yourself in a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" kind of situation.
I remember going through the same thing early on in my relationship with FH - for Mother's day I asked him if he got a card and the blank kind of response I got back made me feel kind of dumb for asking. The few times I visited them, I made sure to send a short thank you note but I have never been as nice as you in going out of my way to send a card from the both of us. Based on my prior experiences with FMIL, as well as your tale, I don't think I will plan on doing that in the future either!
I wouldn't send anymore cards...it is obvious she does not appreciate them...but, something is wrong with mother and sons relationship...I agree with Luise.
This may sound like the voice of doom, but I don't think there is one MIL on this site who would ever do such a thing. She sounds like the kind of MIL who gives us all a bad name. Your act was loving and your intention was sincere. Hard to miss any of that unless you are looking for trouble.
Dear Laila,
This is just plain crazy on your FMIL's part. First of all, here's what we (most of us) would do if we got a card from you: "Oh, look at this!! I'm so excited...she sent me a card!!"
To return those cards was horrible, just horrible. What a slap in the face to you! Along with the others, I wouldn't send anymore. It's not working.
There is something wrong with her....."it's too small, I deserve a bigger one?" PLEASE!!
I'm sure she'd like to have a relationship with her son but this is not the way to do it. You sound like such a wonderful person.........too bad for her, she's missing out!
Laila - that is so sad. Most MIL's would love to have a DIL be so thoughtful. But the first thing that came to mind was that there is a reason why your DF does not send cards to his mom. I'm sure this behavior is only the tip of the ice berg with this lady. Behavior like this can kill any feelings you have for a person whether you're related or not.
I realize that you're trying to reach out to her but I think I'd back off and save yourself the heartache. What helped me realize that I shouldn't be putting up with this abuse from my IL's was when I asked myself, "would I let someone that I worked with treat me like this??" You've tried and were so sweet about it. You don't owe her anything but common courtesy and decency. I realized that there is no law saying that I have to have a relationship with my IL's. Once I realized that I've been much happier as of late. Good Luck.
Laila,I totally agree with every one else.Don't send any more cards.And don't even try to figure her out.What ever her issues are,they are hers!!! take nothing personal.
I would be thrilled to get a card from my DIL or son,either one would tickle me pink.
I don't think you should get your hopes up about a good relationship with her either!!!
Lay low,don't get in the middle of any thing............"you" will only be next on the list for attacks.
Good luck,stay strong
Me, too. Birthday remembrances mean so much to me. I would never critique one. Never! And I also agree with the caution to watch your back down the road. She's out for blood!
The last mothers day my eldest son was alive, (the one that had issues with me) he sent me a ceramic mug full of cut flowers. A teddy bear was attached to the handle and it said..."Big Hug Mug" on the side. I get it out on my birthday every year and put flowers in it.
And my youngest son, who lives in Hawaii, comes over for a MONTH to celebrate my birthday. The first time he did that, he surprised me. I thought his was in Hawaii and he had conspired with my friend to turn up at my birthday lunch. I nearly had a heart attack and cried like a baby. ;D ;D
I, too, think your MIL is rude and mean. She reminds me of my dad's mom, who made my mom's life miserable. I don't think any of us here would treat you that way :) I would love to be honored by DIL/DS.
Here's what hurts me as a MIL: DS handing DIL the task of shopping for me without qny input from him; she doesn't know/care about me, so my gifts don't have any special meaning or value. It's nice that they gave me something, but honestly they should have saved the little they spent. I'd never ever throw it away or say anything negative, though!
Neither of them ever plan anything or make any effort for my birthday or Mother's Day, although I know DIL's mom is feted on those days. My DH needs to step up and let DS know what's what, but he's afraid to ruin the progress we've recently made. I won't speak up because it will get turned around to me being a demanding b-word.
DH and I are careful to find out from DS what DIL wants/needs for her birthday or Christmas. We spend as much on her as we do our other kids. I don't think our efforts are appreciated, because she just doesn't like us.
Remember junior high school and how you were embarrassed to be seen with the geeky loser kids? If they gave you something or spoke to you, you would hate it because it made you look like you tolerated them? You couldn't walk with them or be polite to them in any way? That's how I feel - like the geeky loser kid.
It makes me sick inside to read about DILs complaining that we want our baby's attention and that we'll get it any way we can, even by buying something that we don't know how to use and asking him to help us work it. Deliberately setting him up to come over so we can get our baby's lovin.
They were our child but they are not our babies anymore. We don't need to resort to measures like that to get his attention. I don't think there's a lower blow than to read things like that said by a DIL just because she's mad at her MIL.
Some DILs think they know what they're talking about but they don't. Just because they think the MIL doesn't like them, they make sure there's some kind of semi-cut off from us to show us she's the boss. God help them if they ever have kids.
None of us appreciate being called an "Old Bag" either! >:(
Who said that? Who on our forum spoke of DH being seen as a baby by his mother?
No one on here currently but she has been. It was said on the dreaded site I shouldn't visit. I will PM you.
And if she comes back on here and tells me that if I don't like what she says there that she suggests I don't read it. Well quit saying disgusting things on it!!
Be kind to yourself and don't read it. And if it wasn't mentioned on this thread, be kind to yourself and let it go. We do our best work when we are being kind to ourselves. Bitterness erodes our well-being.
Take a look at my counseling website: www.MomResponds.com and read about the DF who is "one with is mother." That's the other side of the coin. Yuck!
Laila,
Want to be my DIL? I agree with everyone else but I will ask have you ever asked another family member about her actions? Her son may not really know the answer if he hasn't given her cards regularly. I had an aunt that hated getting flowers because it reminded her of her Mother's funeral and she felt flowers were for funerals. She use to say to people who gave her flowers that they wanted her dead and it made her cry. No one could understand why she would say that until one of the relatives explained.
Maybe there is a story behind receiving a card for her. Just a thought.
Quote from: blau10 on February 11, 2010, 08:23:09 PM
Laila,
Want to be my DIL? I agree with everyone else but I will ask have you ever asked another family member about her actions? Her son may not really know the answer if he hasn't given her cards regularly. I had an aunt that hated getting flowers because it reminded her of her Mother's funeral and she felt flowers were for funerals. She use to say to people who gave her flowers that they wanted her dead and it made her cry. No one could understand why she would say that until one of the relatives explained.
Maybe there is a story behind receiving a card for her. Just a thought.
See that's the thing I don't understand - she quite happily receives cards from SIL (her daughter) which is understandable but also from Step BIL (her husbands son) except Step BILs cards are always written by his girlfriend whom MIL hates but she never says anything to her!
Yet everytime I send a card she calls DF tells him shes binned it and demands a replacement that meets her criteria - a large card, written entirely by her son, with the word Mom on the front. I've managed to meet 2 and a half of those criteria but theres no way I could get DF to write a whole message - he says its because his handwriting looks like a 4 year old run amok with a crayon (he's not too far wrong hehe ;D)
We have seen the cards from StepBIL and gf and they are usually small ones without the word mom/stepmom and all in her handwriting - but no complaint.
I did speak to DF about it last night and he said he doesn't want to send any more cards in future as she obviously doesn't want/appreciate them from us and that if she calls and complains about the lack of card this year then he will speak to her about it and explain why HE has stopped sending them again - he says its best to make it his decision and leave me out of it as she could turn around and blame me for it stopping.
PS: oo yes please I'll be any of your DILs!! You are all so lovely and helpful!! :D
Hello Laila
Welcome and thank you for posting...
As I was reading your story, I was wondering what was wrong, that your BF was negecting sending his mother a card...but when she contacted you, and by the way, that was a henious thing to do...it really hurts feelings, which to me is they'er purpose for doing so...why else would you write someone who made a lovely gesture of remberance?
Sorry to say, there is something wrong with your MIL to be...and no matter how hard you try, she will always reject you, it isn't you, it's her...she rejects kindness....
I also feel, you need to get to the bottom of this with your hubby to be...meaning, he needs to open up and tell you the whole story, as there may be a lot of damage done to him, by this woman....which may not surface until after your married...which may cause you years of pain...
I suggest if he cannot speak to you about it, you not marry him until he can, and then get into counseling, as there may be a whole lot of mental damage done there...
I'm a MIL and quite candidly, this woman sounds very angry and disturbed.
Most Mil's would be warmed inside, to received a lovely card from they're DIL's. Especially if it was written by her....I used to send my MIL cards all the time...and do things for her...take her places, to lunch, stop to visit alone, without my husband, etc.
Please hang in there...take your time, and find out what the whole story is....
Hugs
Creme
Laila,I agree with Creme.By her calling her son and making thoses remarks,her "intent "was to hurt and reject.Not a good sign,a red flag to me.You really need to find out what is going on,with out getting in the middle.
Since she accepts cards from others,maybe he feels like he never doe's any thing right to please her,made to feel not good enough.
I don't want this to scare you,just to make you aware,there could be some issues you need to be aware of,to save your self a lot of grief later on.It caused you enough distress to seek out help thru this site,and so glad you did!!!Very smart on your part!!!
Hind sight is 20/20 i seen some red flags with my DIL before they were married,that should of made me speak up,and get cleared up.I just thought she was stressed,and having a bay day.My son actually said something to her,so i let it be.Then she showered me with cards ,gifts,praise,i loved her.Then after they married,she changed so much.I realize now,it was a front,to win my son over.
It might not be any thing to awfully bad either,but you should try to get to the bottom of it.
Hang in there,good luck
yes, mominwaitig, your absolutely right....
it would certain raise a lot of flags....
I find it pretty darn bad mannored and offensive, that someone would send back cards, or do something like throw them away, throw gifts away, etc....people who do such things are focused on anger/resentment and only want to hurt others and to deliberately want to hurt the feelings of others is not only thought provoking which speaks volumns about who they are, but also, an act to intentionally inflict harm against someone else...is a bit intense and scary....it is irregular behavior, one that is truly from someone very disturbed....not to mention....to literally want to inflict harm on someone else or intentionally hurt they're feelings, is not happiness....
When I read this thread all the way through, to date, it is clear that we all see the situation as being about her, not you. She's "whacko," so looking for logic is wasted effort. She has a vicious streak where her son is concerned and I'm so glad your DF has taken the stand he has. Solidarity will see you through this. It won't cure it, but it will lift you above it and carry you past it. You are about to create a new family unit and you can use what you're going through to strengthen it.
We seem to often adopt mistreated DILs and FDILs on our site at times. We need you and your kindness while you need those of us who listen and care. It feels wonderful. :D
Yes, Luise it does feel wonderful. From a DIL, Thank You!
Quote from: cremebrulee on February 12, 2010, 05:23:54 AM
yes, mominwaitig, your absolutely right....
it would certain raise a lot of flags....
I find it pretty darn bad mannored and offensive, that someone would send back cards, or do something like throw them away, throw gifts away, etc....people who do such things are focused on anger/resentment and only want to hurt others and to deliberately want to hurt the feelings of others is not only thought provoking which speaks volumns about who they are, but also, an act to intentionally inflict harm against someone else...is a bit intense and scary....it is irregular behavior, one that is truly from someone very disturbed....not to mention....to literally want to inflict harm on someone else or intentionally hurt they're feelings, is not happiness....
Creme, I had a thought. Do you think she has returned those things and your son doesn't know about them? I wonder if he knows?
Laila, your MIL is missing out on a relationship with both you and your DH. I know her actions hurt, but they are the actions of what sounds like a bitter woman. Maybe just bitter about life in general, and you can't let her make you believe you are the reason for all her shortcomings - AND THIS IS ONE OF THEM.
I'm sorry there are people out there like this, but at least there is a site called MILU that is a great "think tank," with many MIL's and DIL's, and even a FIL putting all their efforts out there.
Your effort to extend your love to her as the mother of the man whom you love and respect enough to spend the rest of your life with, doesn't have to be stomped out by her. Hold on to yourselves! You may be in for an exciting ride without her! ;D
I don't know coco, but refuse to talk to him about it anymore?
I'm not going to put him in a position any longer where he has to choose sides...it upsets me, when he excuses her behavior....he literally looks for excuses of why she did what she did, and that makes me feel like I'm wrong, or I'm lying...plus, as upsetting as it is for me, it's got to be gnawing away at him as well...he knows things are way different, since he's married her...
Coco, sad, but it is what it is...that's life and nothing can be done....I believe that is why I was so upset and un-nerved when it first started happening...I knew what the results would be....
thanks and big hugs
Creme
Laila
I agree with Coco, however, I would want to make certain, there are no surprises after your married...get him to talk about it...if not with you, with a counselor, so that you both walk into a brand new life together uncontaminated....
isitme, did that and I believe she is very happy with the results....
hugs
and wishing you both the best
Creme
I hope you don't mind me adding to Creme about your counselling. It would also help you and your new husband understand that situation better between yourselves, possibly nipping "future" battles with her in the bud. If you both start out in a healthy place, maybe she will want in on some of your happiness (happiness is contagious). If she doesn't then that's ok too. But you will both be starting from a better foundation in that process. My wording is not as good, but I hope you understand what I'm saying here...
Hi Laila,
Just wanted to chime in with the others about counselling. I definitely found it helpful for many things and I think my FH found it REALLY helpful for him. It's hard for people who have grown up with an emotionally unhealthy parent to realize that such behavior isn't okay. It actually sounds like your guy might realize that in fact - which is perhaps why he doesn't send cards to his mother himself...
If this is the case, then I think you should follow his lead and allow him to determine the type of relationship you both will have with his family. That being said, there are probably a few things to watch out for - does he try to use you as a buffer (ex. expect you bear the brunt of his mother's unhappiness, thereby shielding him) or throw you under the bus (ex. allow you to take the blame for a decision HE has made regarding his family)? if so then there might be some issues that need to be worked out.
It sounds like this is something that really bothers you - and it's great that you've found this webpage so that the ladies here can reassure you and give you some advice. As someone dealing with a difficult FMIL myself, I can say the women here have helped me IMMENSELY in terms of learning how to deal with my anger but most importantly.. learning how to forgive myself for not having a great relationship with my FMIL. That helps with the guilt you may sometimes feel but remember - relationships are a two way street and you can only ever meet someone half way. They are responsible for the other half and if your MIL or my FMIL don't want to do that, you should not have to accept the blame.
Back to the idea of counselling - even if you don't feel you and your DH need to go together (if he has the situation in order and the two of you can agree on things), it might not be a bad idea for you to try out a session or two yourself - if you feel you are having a difficult time dealing with this. I would never let my FMIL know this - but it really can be hurtful and traumatic to be rejected by a family. Sometimes it destroys your ideas/expectations for how your family life is going to be and that can be a difficult thing to overcome. Here you are in this great relationship, ready to start out your life with someone and make them your family... and all of a sudden you learn that your inlaws don't approve of you or they blame you for ruining their family or any number of petty little things that they may pick on to show that they don't approve of you (when often it is actually that they don't "approve" of their son growing up). It takes a long time to get over the initial shock of this - and to pinpoint the exact problem... we're all in different situations here but one of the things I realized after really thinking about things, is that I"m not the one with the problem... if these people were interested in having a genuine relationship, we would have one because I was more than willing to meet then halfway for a long time. From your efforts, it sounds like you have really tried with this woman. Way more then I would have even.... but at the end of the day, you can't change who she is. I suggest reading through the posts on this website and also on some of the others about DILs for some insight. And if you feel like you're really emotionally struggling with these issues, counseling might be an option... Good luck!
Isitme? Am I safe in assuming (from all of our experiences) that we all would be having pretty good relationships with our MIL's/DIL's, if the efforts were in place from both sides?
well coco, I think so. I think if two people are both willing to put in the effort to get along and treat each other with respect, then it's more then likely there will be a good relationship. No matter what your differences.
Sadly, I think we're all here because the other half IS'NT willing. But when you think about most of the relationships you have - don't BOTH people put in some effort in maintaining it? Why should it be different between an MIL and DIL? ???
Thanks isitme! And because you are willing, we have women like you on this MIL site! Your "best" is always enough. It took me a long time to realize that I was allowed to make mistakes and not be someone else's "blame" for theirs.
Take care of you!
Me. too, C/C. When I fist heard, "What you say and think about me is none of my business," I just didn't get it.
dear laila i am a mil and would love and welcome your cards.....whatever the problem with your mil and her son i suggest you ask him..you should be made aware of any angst there might be between them. you sound kind and i would continue to send cards but solely from yourself and leave your partner to his own devices .......you must do what you feel to be right for you..and kindly tell your mil precisely that...you may just be the one who can help them both to behave toward one another with the same loving heart you show...dont give up on her yet....not until you know for sure any other course of action is appropriate... go the extra mile for your sake and hers, good luck x
I know tilly. Laila's situation is sad for us all! Did you get to read everything? I'm happy you are posting responses!
Atta-girl! :D
DH is much better than I at doing things because we feel like it rather than withholding things out of resentment or hurt. We might feel a little used sometimes, or might appear to be total saps, but invoking the golden rule is never wrong :) Tilly's right - don't give up...but try at the same time to detach yourself emotionally from the situation so you're not so hurt if she chooses to continue her hurtful behavior.
can someone give me a short lesson on what all of these abbreviations mean? I am lost!
Hi mary!
LOL! I had the same problem when I came here. Some of them I still can't figure out. DIL= Daughter in Law, SIL - Son In Law, FIL = either Father in Law, but could also mean Family In Law, DDIL = Distant Daughter in Law, CDIL = Close Daughter in Law, OS = Oldest Son, YS = Youngest Son, DS = Dear Son, DH = Dear Husband, DD = Dear Daughter, did I leave anything out?
FOO = I can't help you with this one! Foo Man Choo????? is all I think everytime I see it (or fool).
I have to go but will be back later!
Some of them are pretty creative. I have a hard time figuring them out myself, but I'm getting better. It's a whole new world in here :)
FOO is "family of origin"
GK or GC - grandkid or grandchild
I use DDD sometimes - "dear disabled daughter"
IMHO - In my humble opinion
or IMO - In my opinion
Thanks Pen!
I always looked at IMO and thought "I might offer." LOL!
I don't want to make anyone mad, but there is something I've TRULY have been wondering about the abbreviations. This is a serious question and I'm not trying to be funny or offend anyone, but I thought maybe people use the abbreviations because their typing is slow. Is that how they got started?
C/C - Would you put that data under Resources or General, too? (Please?)
Quote from: luise.volta on February 25, 2010, 04:25:28 PM
C/C - Would you put that data under Resources or General, too? (Please?)
;D DONE!
Yippee - Yea! Thank you!! Pinging that magic keyboard of yours!!! ;D ;D
My keyboard is wearing a tiara! :)
Cool! 8)