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Problem Solving => Grandchildren => Topic started by: Invisible on January 04, 2010, 06:33:39 AM

Title: Loss of Innocence
Post by: Invisible on January 04, 2010, 06:33:39 AM
I picked up my GD on New Year's eve. Kept her until Sunday evening at 5 pm. Her mother was expecting her home at 5 pm. When I drove up there was a strange vehicle parked near her house. My GD ran in side to her mother. Within minutes my GD ran back outside with a strange look on her face. She said to me, "My mommy is doing something nasty." The look on my GD face broke my heart.

My DIL expected her daughter to be home at 5 pm. I do not understand why she couldn't have controlled her behavior. She had Thursday....Thursday evening, Friday, Friday evening, Saturday, Saturday evening, all day Sunday before 5 pm. I am so disappointed. Now I wonder how many times this has happened before. My son died 27 months ago, my DIL has had many boyfriends. It is a shame she is unable to be discreet. My GD is growing up exposed to drugs, alcohol, promiscuous sexual behavior. Yes, I am so disappointed.
Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: RedRose on January 04, 2010, 06:45:08 PM
Ohh.....I don't know what to say.....this must be so hard for you.
I know you will be there for your grandaughter. She will need all your love and support.
Maybe you can look into Grandparent's rights too?


Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: cocobars on January 05, 2010, 08:13:47 AM
That's awful.  I wouldn't know what to say here!  How did you handle this? 
Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: Invisible on January 05, 2010, 05:35:39 PM
Redrose,
I live in a state that does not recognize Grandparent rights.....I let my GD know I love her and want her to live with me. I hope when things fall apart at home she won't feel so alone or compelled to run away into the streets. I want to show her there is a better way to live.

Cocobars,
I just waited outside with my GD until my DIL came out in her bathrobe. My GD went inside and I left. Nothing more....
Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: RedRose on January 05, 2010, 05:46:07 PM
Invisible...I know your GD will run to you because she feels your love
Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: Invisible on January 06, 2010, 07:11:14 AM
Redrose,

What's the expression? Prepare for the worst but hope for the best. My GD is just a little girl who adores her mother. Unfortunately, her mother is a party girl who is not focused on her daughter. What the future holds is just a guess.

I try to imagine several scenarios. I can only hope for the best. 
Quote from: RedRose on January 05, 2010, 05:46:07 PM
Invisible...I know your GD will run to you because she feels your love
Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: cocobars on January 06, 2010, 07:41:10 AM
I am just speechless, and without your son around that is what you have to put up with.  Sad...
Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: cremebrulee on January 06, 2010, 07:42:45 AM
Invisable, I'm so sorry this is happening...it is tragic and you must feel so helpless...

I would log all these events...b/c down the road, you may wish you had....date them, put the time on them and also, write a short summery of what happened...

Hugs
Creme
Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: Invisible on January 08, 2010, 07:19:49 AM
Creme,
Thanks to all the wonderful advise I receive here. I have started writing down the following: dates, activities we do, and observed evidence of abuse. It might be for nothing .....then again, one never knows.

Quote from: cremebrulee on January 06, 2010, 07:42:45 AM
Invisable, I'm so sorry this is happening...it is tragic and you must feel so helpless...

I would log all these events...b/c down the road, you may wish you had....date them, put the time on them and also, write a short summery of what happened...

Hugs
Creme
Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: Pen on January 08, 2010, 07:29:47 AM
It's not for nothing! Even if it doesn't change anything immediately, and I do hope and pray it does, you will feel empowered when you look at the list of things you've done for your GD. And later, if it's appropriate, you can show her the "good" list (she may not be able to handle the "bad" list) and maybe it'll help her see how much she is loved. You are being proactive and not just a passive observer, which will help you feel like you're doing something. Good for you!
Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: cremebrulee on January 08, 2010, 08:14:23 AM
QuoteCreme,
Thanks to all the wonderful advise I receive here. I have started writing down the following: dates, activities we do, and observed evidence of abuse. It might be for nothing .....then again, one never knows.


Invisable, if you see evidence of abuse, take her to the hospital right away, they will take pictures and document,, and call social services....tell them of your fears....a police officer would tell you to do that, all this stuff must be documented....God, I hope there is no physical abuse....I really do...but if you see ANYTHING, take her to the hospital right away!

God bless you both
Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: cocobars on January 08, 2010, 01:45:30 PM
I totally agree with creme!  I would burn up those social services lines.  They would have to come talk to me just to keep their phone lines working...
Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: Invisible on January 09, 2010, 06:05:26 AM
Cremebrulee,

My DIL has been charged with child abuse...twice. I have spoke to the children services case worker assigned to her case and I spoke with my GD's school. Although, I am on the no contact list. I am not allowed on school property. But they have told me I the most positive influence on my GD. They are watching and waiting. I am not pushing but we know it will happen again. Yes, when she had the bruises on both arms I should have at least taken photos...but I didn't. I am not going to beat myself up for the mistake. I just won't do that again. I must remain vigilant. Thank you for your continued emotional support. These are difficult times for my GD and I.

Quote from: cremebrulee on January 08, 2010, 08:14:23 AM
QuoteCreme,
Thanks to all the wonderful advise I receive here. I have started writing down the following: dates, activities we do, and observed evidence of abuse. It might be for nothing .....then again, one never knows.


Invisable, if you see evidence of abuse, take her to the hospital right away, they will take pictures and document,, and call social services....tell them of your fears....a police officer would tell you to do that, all this stuff must be documented....God, I hope there is no physical abuse....I really do...but if you see ANYTHING, take her to the hospital right away!

God bless you both
Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 09, 2010, 06:09:11 AM
oH!! Invisible!!  This just breaks my heart!!  I want you to know that you in in my prayers and on my heart!!  I don't want you to have to go thru this alone.  You have such a load on you; what a wonderful person you are.  God bless you!!
Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: Pen on January 09, 2010, 09:00:58 AM
This is so difficult. You are an amazing person to take it on - make sure you take care of yourself as well as GD during this time; stay healthy and strong. Best wishes.
Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: Invisible on January 09, 2010, 06:12:58 PM
Penstamen,

Yes, this situation is so difficult sometimes I melt down. But I HAVE to do everything I can...for my GD. My son would expect me to do everything I could to help. Today, I took my GD roller skating and to the library. My GD was wearing damp blue jeans her mom put on my GD. The outside temperature was freezing. To me that's just neglect. I HAVE to be there for her.

Quote from: penstamen on January 09, 2010, 09:00:58 AM
This is so difficult. You are an amazing person to take it on - make sure you take care of yourself as well as GD during this time; stay healthy and strong. Best wishes.
Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: cocobars on January 09, 2010, 08:48:07 PM
You may have already thought of this but, find out her size and keep some dry clothes packed for your visits (just in case).  What do you think about giving her a "secret" cell phone.  It doesn't have to ring, it can be put on vibrate, but it might make her feel safe knowing you are just a phone call away.  You can call it an "emergency" phone. You don't have to spend alot each month.  You can get one of those phones for her where you pay in advance for the minutes.  They aren't much.
Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: Orly on January 09, 2010, 10:11:52 PM
Invisible,
If you are talking to the case worker...call her and ask her opinion on what you should do when you pick you GD up on a freezing day in damp jeans, or you try to drop off you GD and mommy is  'entertaining"?   Five minutes of her time may give you clarity on procedures they need to follow, or just how dedicated they are on keeping follow-up reports on your GD's welfare.  Asking questions for YOUR education or enlightenment doesn't have to involve making a report...you are asking for what legal guidelines YOU have to follow.  Of course I maybe going over things you have already discussed with her.

Keep a digital camera in your purse with a SD card for just those photos you need to keep track of.  Get one with a date/ time feature so your photos have that information on them as they are taken (makes it easier and less confusing trying to remember the exact date). 
Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: cremebrulee on January 10, 2010, 04:00:41 AM
QuoteInvisible
Cremebrulee,

My DIL has been charged with child abuse...twice. I have spoke to the children services case worker assigned to her case and I spoke with my GD's school. Although, I am on the no contact list. I am not allowed on school property. But they have told me I the most positive influence on my GD. They are watching and waiting. I am not pushing but we know it will happen again. Yes, when she had the bruises on both arms I should have at least taken photos...but I didn't. I am not going to beat myself up for the mistake. I just won't do that again. I must remain vigilant. Thank you for your continued emotional support. These are difficult times for my GD and I.



no no, don't beat yourself up....never, you are doing what your supposed to be doing, but, if she has bruises again, take her to the hospital emergency room, they will phone child services and your case worker and take photographs..my son is a police officer, and they would tell you to do that...as well as keeping a record of everything that happens...stay vigulant...and strong...you must...

I can't imagine the worry and pain you are going thru....it must cause many sleepless nights....

know, your in my thoughts and prayers for a much better outcome for your GD....big hugs...
Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: Invisible on January 10, 2010, 09:06:05 AM
Orly,
The State assigned  Social Worker and the investigator from children social services are two different people. I have spoken to the investigator from children social services. Rightfully so, they are clearly committed to keeping families together. She spoke to me outlining what the state recognizes as abuse and what is not considered abuse. However, I have noticed from speaking with different attorneys the lines do become blurred. For example smoking in a vehicle with the windows up is considered abuse. (My DIL smokes)

However, this is not recognized a abuse by the state agencies. If a mother is an exotic dancer or a lady of the evening, is not considered abuse unless my DIL physically involves her daughter in the activity. Such as posting nude photographs of my GD or selling her for sex. I mentioned my DIL takes nude photos of herself and posts them on line. The investigator was only interested in whether or not the child was involved. I mentioned her teeth are never brushed. The investigator did not think that was an issue. Only a formal complaint will be follow up on by the department of children and family services. But I need to be able to prove what I see...ie photographs. I need to be extremely careful. If my DIL thought I was informing on her she has the right to prevent me from seeing my GD. 

Thank God, both of the formal complaints came through the school. Because of parental rights I am not allow to contact school administrators in regard to my GD's well being.

All the laws in my state are written to keep families together. Grandparents are not recognized as family. In fact, if the courts intervene and take my GD away it is very possible they would not give temporary custody to me. Instead they would as my DIL's mother, if she declines the child would be placed in foster care. That is why I contacted the investigator just to inform them that I do exist and would prefer custody. However, that does not mean I will EVER be informed if it does occur. Certainly, my DIL nor her mother would NOT tell me.

Yes, I think it is a good idea to keep a visual journal of my visits. All my photos have the date stamp activated on the lower right corner. In fact, until recently this was the only journal I was keeping except a few notes here and there. Now, I am a little more thorough. I expect this process to take a long time to be resolved...if ever. As previously mentioned the purpose of children and family services is to keep families together.

If they need to educate my DIL by providing parental classes and counselling that is what they will do . They will exhaust all means to keep them together and rightfull so. I hope my DIL wakes up and recognizes her immature behavior is affecting her daughter in a negative way.


Quote from: Orly on January 09, 2010, 10:11:52 PM
Invisible,
If you are talking to the case worker...call her and ask her opinion on what you should do when you pick you GD up on a freezing day in damp jeans, or you try to drop off you GD and mommy is  'entertaining"?   Five minutes of her time may give you clarity on procedures they need to follow, or just how dedicated they are on keeping follow-up reports on your GD's welfare.  Asking questions for YOUR education or enlightenment doesn't have to involve making a report...you are asking for what legal guidelines YOU have to follow.  Of course I maybe going over things you have already discussed with her.

Keep a digital camera in your purse with a SD card for just those photos you need to keep track of.  Get one with a date/ time feature so your photos have that information on them as they are taken (makes it easier and less confusing trying to remember the exact date).
Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: peggyrice@triad.rr.com on January 27, 2010, 06:24:47 AM
Stay with your grandaughter.  It may mean taking a beating, however these small ones need grandparents more than we sometimes realize.  Report the situation to everyone you can find.

God Bless you!!!
Title: Re: Loss of Innocence
Post by: Invisible on January 29, 2010, 02:28:13 PM
Thank you Carolina Gal,

I hope there is some validity to Elvis's quote. I will stay devoted to my GD and hope the truth will set us free.

Quote from: Carolina Gal on January 27, 2010, 06:24:47 AM
Stay with your grandaughter.  It may mean taking a beating, however these small ones need grandparents more than we sometimes realize.  Report the situation to everyone you can find.

God Bless you!!!