I am having trouble dealing with this situation and I bite my tongue since DIL took off. She and my son married 6 years, both having great careers, they have a child who is 3 yrs old. last year she decides she wants to go away to medical school, she could have gone back to school in the same area where they lived but her grades were no high enough and was not excepted so she takes off to a college 5 hours from her since the school excepted her. My son encouraging her to go (how stupid) I sat down and told them I had concerns about their marriage and their little baby at the time...all i got was we will be fine...LOL...So they sell their house, my son and my grandson move in with me until son can find a job where she is. This was last July now. She comes back everyother weekend and son drives down there everyother weekend with child. When she is here she is always in her pc doing homework or busy with her family and ignores the baby. I can see things are getting worse between her and my son. My son is very jealous, and while she is down there she is studying with groups, going out with them, probably even her classmates staying overnight, I am just guessing on that..usually I am pretty right on the button. I see my son pacing at night, he cannot sleep, meanwhile I raise and take care of child who is showing signs of being nervous and cannot sleep through the night he gets up wanting to sleep with his daddy. What a mess....Now last weekend she came home, and we went to the store together, (we used to be very close but when she made that decision to leave her baby for her own needs I ended that closeness by telling her how selfish she is being by not raising this child until he is older, that was over a year ago, I tolerate her for my grandson only now) She went on raving how unhappy she was married and she cannot wait to get back to her apt, she loves being alone so much that it scares her. So i asked her a few questions, Would you be happier single? She looked at me funny and then said yes I would and it scares me. then i asked her another question, Why did you have a child 3 years ago, she started crying and said because I thought it was expected of me and the thing I needed to do, she told me how much she hated being pregnant the whole time..still crying...I said why did you try to have another child then the summer before you were leaving, she just said I don't know why I thought I had to..(meanwhile I am thinking...is she nuts) lucky she didn't get pregnant again or i would be raising another baby for them. Then she said to me do you think I have changed since I knew her...I just said I am sorry only you can answer that question. I will tell you before you have my son move down there and your baby you need to get some advice because moving the child to a situation you cannot be with him is not good for him. I will keep him and make sure he is stable and help as long as I can. Then yesterday my son came to me and told me him and his wife are having problems...I told him I knew because I have seen things now for years. She went to counseling down there and son is going to counseling here and then they are going to go together down where she is. I hope whoever they are going to makes both of them see the light either split up now or she needs to stop the school and move back with her baby. I don't think she wants or would be happy not being alone and single. I see trouble, meanwhile my son is very depressed now, he is so in love with this girl....not sure why, she comes from trailor trash upbringing...her mother is bipolar, father drinking problems, sister divorced (nasty situation) and brother drug addicted tried to kill himself...and youngest brother has stomach problems and learning disabilities, but he joined the military to get away from his house. My grandson is the one who has suffered since he has been born...In the beginning she put him in a daycare home situation that was very bad for him. I went there several time and the woman left those kids in a closed door room in playpens, cribs, and they would be screaming, then i went there several times she left her mother in her 70s in charge and she cannot hear anything, i went there and i had to walk in the door to get my grandson because she couldn't hear anything, the kids were all screaming. I told my DIL and son, and all i got is what am I supposed to do I have to work...So i told him I will take him now. The child was a mess for a while until I could get him in a calming enviroment. I fear for this child because that mother does not care where she puts him as long as she has her freedom. I am hoping if they separate or divorce my son would get custoday of the baby. (The child would be better off) The mother is nothing but a loose cannon. Ever since that baby was born she has been a very angry girl, I mentioned way back go get some help or advice why you feel like this...I think down deep she is angry at the child because he ties her down and he is too much work and she cannot be free to run around like she did..My son deserves better, but he is not listening...I am very carefure what I say or do...I just told him don't move the child away until things are settled... Help....any advice.....
Oh boy, so much going on here....I'm so sorry this is happening...how are you holding up?
I agree with you all the way through, however, the child is your son's...and hers so, your just going to have to do the best you can and be patient, and hope she leaves the child with you...I fear, her being bi-polar, she will have some very bad influence on the child...How do you feel about raising the child, your GS? Have you thought about that yet?
I'm glad your son is going to counseling....and here are some suggestions
right now, do not tell your son he deserves better, it is way to soon...but, encourage him to continue going to counseling, and by all means, if the marriage disolves....make certain he keeps going, doesn't get involved in another relationship, until he figures out why he chose someone he doesn't deserve....but do not demean her to him.
It is very important, for him to understand, we fall in love with lust, we get married b/c society dictates to us that we must be a couple to be successful....and we have children, b/c we feel it is expected of us....your DIL is right....society dictates this comfy little premade package of what a couple should be...it's sad but true...I honestly thought I had to be married to be successful, and got married b/c I did think it was expected of me....and to have a child...so, we do what we've been conditioned to believe we should do.
Again, patience is the key dear one...right now, that will be your best friend....enduring this is and will be very difficult....we all want good things for our children...however, please remember, your son is an adult now, it's his choice, he made a mistake and now must deal with what comes next. And if you continue to tell him he deserves better, right now that translates to him that he made a mistake, and he's not ready to admit that yet...in his own time he will....
I would suggest you be as upbeat and positive as you can....be there for him but for now just listen, otherwise, any suggestions might move him away from you and you do want to be his confident....if he asks you your advice...I would suggest be brief and say little, as he won't be able to process to much right now.
Very important...when the time comes, his first thought will be to find another mate and mother for his child....that is where you come in....you need to get it thru to him, that jumping in and out of relationships is not healthy....and you can't choose a mate for all the wrong reasons....your going to have to get it thru to him, that he must live alone for awhile, get to know who he is, to understand his needs...and when he does that, he'll be able to choose a woman he not only deserves but is almos mentally compatible, meaning, she needs to possess the same morals, she needs to come from a family that is not dysfunctional, otherwise, that contaminates the relationship right off the bat. I bet you any money, his wife married him to get out...it was her only solution at the time....
He needs to go to the right counselor who will make him see the importance of knowing oneself, having confidence in oneself, and how to choose a mate....and why he chose the one he did...
Now backing up...whatever happens from this point on, I would give him space and try to stay out of it.
Personally I believe this woman wanted the marriage to disolve, otherwise she wouldn't have gone away to college...to me it's an excuse...let this whole thing play out the way it's supposed to, between the two of them. It is very difficult for a woman to tell a man, she's not in love with him and wants out of the marriage...therefore, she might be setting the stage....I could be wrong, but time will tell.
And for now, that is all I have to tell you....I know how painful all this must be for you, and it's so so difficult to keep it zipped when your child is involved, but your going to have to try very hard to stay out of it...otherwise, you will put more pressure on him, and remember, right now he loves this woman, she is the mother of his child...so anything you say, is going to hurt him extremely...
You really find out who your married to, when you go thru divorce...and if it goes that far...let him find out on his own....don't you tell him...or ever demean her to him...if you do, it's going to hurt everyone all the way around...
Think of this as a true test, something your going to learn from to....and there will be lots to learn for you...in the end, down the road, your going to look back and say to yourself...well, that one wasn't so bad, we got thru it...however, get thru this together with him...be there for him when he needs you, but don't smother him, like we mothers want to do...it is so so hard for us mother's to see our son's as adults...I remember, whenever I thought of my son, I would vision who he was as a child...hear his soft voice saying...."mommie"....well, that vision is still there, however, when I think of him now, I see his adult form....remember, this is your son's life, his choice, his time...your job is over, all you can do is offer help when he needs it, but do not overdue or get involved that you become confused and angry....keep your distance....the greatest gift you can give someone you love sometimes, is to let them go...in the end, he will respect you and your relationship will eventually be close again....
You've got a long road to go lady...so, please know, this is the best place to come and vent and get advice always....it's helped me extremely and the ladies here are wonderful....
In the meantime, hang in there, keep faith by your side...and listen more then you talk...when it comes to your son that is...and I know, it's going to be very hard and very painful...but you will prevail...you can do this....I promise....
there isn't anything we woman can't do, if we put our minds down to it...
Hugs and love
Creme
So sorry to hear about all this - I agree with Creme, it's too soon to put in your judgement. All you can do is encourage the counseling and let DS come to his own decision. He will own it, and DIL won't be able to blame you for interfering which might limit your access to GKs. Best wishes.
Oh Paris, I'm sorry. This sounds like a horrible thing to be watching. Unfortunately they are adults and all the decisions are theirs to make. Your son has enough honor and comittment in his upbringing, thanks to you, that he is a dedicated and supportive husband. He supported her in her decision to go back to school, and it seems it's backfiring in his face, but I also believe when things like this happen, as a MIL all you can really do is wait it all out quietly. It's their marriage and they may still work things out. They are both going through counselling and I see that as a healthy sign that your DIL does love him, although she has some problems (they have some problems) that may not have been thought about before they took vows, or decided to start a family.
I believe you're doing the right thing by taking care of that GS. I have a family member who actually adopted a GC because of a very similar situation. If I were the caretaker of my GS in a situation like this, I would talk to my son about his intentions, should she decide this GC was not someone she wanted to care for. Maybe if you and your son put your heads together, you will be able to come up with some ideas to provide this baby the loving and caring environment he deserved when he was born.
Anyway, that's my feelings for what they're worth. Since this is their marriage, I woundn't get involved in that part of the decision, but would stay in the background. I my son's marriage is breaking up as we speak, and he has moved in with me. I stayed out of his marriage and decisions until and unless asked for advice. At that time I realized that I just gave him my opinion, but he wouldn't necessarily take that advice - and alot of the time he didn't. But should things between them work out, he may offer her your opinions, and you may end up on the outside looking in, because of that.
This is such a hard situation to be in. I know you will get lots of advice, and that's one of the good things here. We have many different opinions and views of the same situation, and keep that in mind when you are reading these replies. In the end, only you will have your own decisions to make about how you will handle this, but we offer you a sounding board here and add to love and understanding! Keep posting. I'm happy to see you here, and part of the circle.
Hugging you!
Thank you, I didn't know where to turn I cannot talk to any of my family about this, this is sorta very private from any of his brothers. I also do not have any friends since I have become very busy with my grandson. It really hurts me to see some of the younger ladies loves their family and children like I did when they grew up. I hope my son will eventually see that he can trust me and confide in me.
For some reason the DIL is telling me things too, not sure she wants me to tell my son, but she did say you cannot tell anyone this is between you and me only. I really don't like being in this position. I am right in the middle....
QuoteParis
Thank you, I didn't know where to turn I cannot talk to any of my family about this, this is sorta very private from any of his brothers. I also do not have any friends since I have become very busy with my grandson. It really hurts me to see some of the younger ladies loves their family and children like I did when they grew up. I hope my son will eventually see that he can trust me and confide in me.
well, you have friends here...and in time, I promise you, everything will work out...but, in the meantime, you have a long hard road ahead...and yes, it is heartbreaking...if you are able to disapline yourself to allow him to be...your son will eventually confide in you, and he will also confide in tohers he trusts...
QuoteFor some reason the DIL is telling me things too, not sure she wants me to tell my son, but she did say you cannot tell anyone this is between you and me only. I really don't like being in this position. I am right in the middle....
It would be in good faith always, to never repeat stories you hear from anyone, no matter who they are....if you would say to him, "She said", she could turn around and deny it, and who do you think he is going to believe out of desperation....right now, he doesn't need to hear anything unless it's from her...let your home, be his safe haven, a place he knows he can come to and feel safe, that he is not going to be drilled, or have to explain anything....
also, if anyone knows about this, let him be the one to tell them....not you...he needs to know that he can trust you, and it may take some time...but you can do this...
Quote from: Paris1950 on March 18, 2010, 08:22:56 AM
Thank you, I didn't know where to turn I cannot talk to any of my family about this, this is sorta very private from any of his brothers. I also do not have any friends since I have become very busy with my grandson. It really hurts me to see some of the younger ladies loves their family and children like I did when they grew up. I hope my son will eventually see that he can trust me and confide in me.
For some reason the DIL is telling me things too, not sure she wants me to tell my son, but she did say you cannot tell anyone this is between you and me only. I really don't like being in this position. I am right in the middle....
Paris, I'm happy you found this site. Now you have us to talk to, and hopefully this site will be a place for you to come for support and understanding. Keep posting and post as often as you feel you want. I know this is a hard situation to be in.
I'm not sure that I would want my DIL confiding in me either. I think if it were me, I would have to tell her how uncomfortable I was hearing things that my upset my son. After all I am his mother, and believe things between them should be kept in their conversations privately, or shared with their counsellor. I am too uncomfortable knowing things that I shouldn't be involved in. If I am not part of their marriage, then I should be spared those details. That's just how I feel.
The saga continues. My son comes home from work today, bringing all his family pictures home and I ask are you cleaning your office or changing pictures. He says you never know when they are going to boot me out the door. They walked out my friend last week. I asked what will you do if they lay you off, he said i have head hunters out there looking for a job. I asked where he told me where his wife was going to school. I just said nothing, bit my tongue again, and thought is he nuts. Meanwhile I know the DIL does not want him there, and she is sick of him calling her all the time, I know this because of last weekend conversations. I looked on her facebook and she already changed her picture with my son to her picture with her sister now. The sister is also single and I am sure she is getting bad advice from the sister since her marriage ended in divorce (nightmare divorce) All of this really hurts me to see my son being used and he is just not seeing it. If he moves down there with her it will make things worse. I tend to think she probably has her eye on some rich med student down there since materialistic things are more important. I am so hoping they ask me to keep the baby with me at least until everything is worked out. I know I have to be very patient and keep my mouth closed and not side because I could ruin things for my grandson. I would love him to stay with me. He is so happy with me. I tend to think this will become a bargaining tool for the DIL and my son. I have documented everything from the time I started seeing trouble and the way she is when she is around the child. She has a very cold heart toward the baby. Her mother has never liked my son since he and my DIL got together. She controlled her until she moved in with my son. DIL mother has only seen the grandson a few times and has not seen him now in over 2 years. I still cannot see how a personality like my DIL can be a medical professional and help people? I guess the medical schools will take anyone as long as they are paying and pass the book theories. ..Why don't professional universities do mental testing on these people. Perhaps that is why we have some unfit medical professionals out there practicing. This really eats me up since I am also a retired medical professional. I loved all my patients, always sensitive to their feeling. No room for a cold heart...
Hi Paris. We are in similar situations so I hope we can support and learn from each other. It amazes me that a mother could chose to be absent from their child. If the relationship does deteriorate further that will (IMO) prove beneficial if custody becomes an issue. I agree with the others about letting your son make up his own mind regarding his feelings towards his wife. He may not be emotionally ready to accept the possibility their relationship may end. When my son and DIL split it was obvious to everyone, except him that she would never take him back. It was impossible to convince him to make any plans or decisions based on the possibility that the relationship was over. I think it was too traumatic for him to even consider. I feel very sorry for your son. He must feel like his life is in limbo and totally out of his control. I wish him strength and courage.
Paris,
The "saga" with our children always seems to continue, as we hurt when they are hurt.
I truly feel for you and your son.
I think your son realizes, that deep inside, DIL is attempting a new career and is excluding your son and baby. I do not know if she is doing this intentionally or unintentionally. Time will tell
I know what you mean about "cold hearts," as they exist in every profession. I too am in the medical profession and I am amazed that DIL did get into medical school. Did she start this past fall?
There are thousands of applicants and only a fraction that apply actually get in. This is one time when it is not "who you know but how much you know."
I actually read and re-read your post and have thought about this. Getting into medical school is difficult to say the least. There are multiple steps a perspective student must complete. It includes having high grades on their college GPA (undergrad degree), MCAT score, written essay, letters of recommendation and the personal interview.
The interview committee consists of two physicians and usually a medical student. The questions are varied from personal accomplishments to how you envision medicine in the future. During the interview process, they are considering the applicant's academic achievements, their character, their motivation for wanting to be a physician, their volunteer experience, and etc.
I can't help but wonder, is she truly enrolled?
The main thing now is to remain strong for your son and grandchild.
With faith, all of this will work out. I am here to support you always.
One other thing, DIL probably won't find any "rich" med students (unless their parents are wealthy),
as most med students live off of "school loans." When they graduate from med school, they usually have over $100,000 worth of student debt.
During med school, the classes are so fast paced that they do not have much time for socializing. It seems like all a student does is study, study, study (an additional 4 to 6 hours per day after class).
That is the main reason that personal relationships suffer, because to get thru med school, your focus has to be your classes.
The campus library becomes the "place" to go.
Your son is a gem to be so supportive of DIL. This is a hard road to pursue.
My thoughts are there with you.
hello and thank you for your reply. She is in dental school, and they took her easily because she was a dental hygenist. She can really be whoever she wants to be to impress people that she is the right candidate for this med school. The first place she tried told her grades were too low. I am really believe that she wanted away from my son, child and any restrictions. My son continues to live in denial talking about moving down there near her still with my grandson. I know down deep she doesn't want him hovering over her. My son tends to be high maintenance and seems like he cannot live without her. They lived together for over 3 years before marrying. She moved in to get away from her homelife. My son thinks he is going to be some billionaire when she becomes a dentist. I just let him brag about her and his pride about her being a dentist. She never even hardly talks to her son, and he asks for her, she has no time...too busy studying. I am wondering what next, now I hear she loves school and will go on to periodontal work....keep on going to school. Since my son is still working he has a paycheck for her. Most of the dental students have mommy and daddy's money to impress her. She grew up very poor and the thought of making more money is more important than any human being.....especially her own child...
This is so sad Paris! Take care of you and your GC. You are loved and needed so much right now in this child's life, and your strength is amazing! Have you thought of having a heartfelt talk with your son? I know he loves his wife, but maybe he will think about his own.
Sending you love and hugs, and lots of prayers!
Right now I don't dare even bring up the subject to my son of his wife. I am taking advice I have gotten on this site, to let it play out and stay out of the middle. I would certainly like to talk with him. I know he is not ready to listen to anything I have to say. All I know and see he is a fool and being used. He is happy one day, depressed another, and delusional. He is love sick still with this girl. I doubt he will come to me right now. His wife is coming home next weekend and staying at my house the weekend, they are going to counseling together, and then she will leave the next day.
Please forgive me, but I'm going to say something you're probably going to hate hearing and play the devil's advocate. Is it possible that she seems distant to her son, because she is living 5 hours away trying to better herself so he has a better life than what she had? I, too, grew up poor, and I have put in 5 years of schooling to make sure that I have a better life than what my parents did, and I still have 4 years left to go. It is entirely possible that she's pre-occupied with trying to get everything done with school, and so she has a tendency to be short with her family. My best friend is a med-student, and even when he's around, he really isn't there..
Also, I think that you might be being a bit too harsh on her marriage with your son. You really cannot know what is going on, because you're not there 24/7. Anyone can get upset and say things that they really don't mean, and the fact that she has agreed to go to counseling at all speaks volumes as to her character.
Also, and I'm really, really sorry if this sounds harsh, but I thought it was really hurtful that you basically said she wasn't smart enough to get into the school close to your home. Do you have any idea how much work it takes to get into med school? That she got in at all is a huge accomplishment. I've just been waitlisted for the second year in a row at ALL of the schools I applied to. I'm still taking extra undergrad classes just to keep up to date with all of the new information while I wait (and cross my fingers) to get into med school. I have to admit, that if I got into a school a few hours away I would be there in a heartbeat.
It just seems to me that you're being a bit critical of her. Assuming that she is in school to try to find a rich mate is actually quite self serving and hurtful of you, and I think that if it were me in that situation I'd be really hurt and offended. There are two sides to every coin, you know, and until you've been in her position on this issue, you really have no place to judge.
I know that my opinion probably is not going to be a popular one, but to assume that this girl is a horrible person because she's attending school and under stress does not seem fair to me. Maybe she is doubting her marriage because of all of the added stress of school, maybe she realized she made a mistake, heck, maybe she decided that she wants to move to Switzerland when she graduates school, and start yodeling in the Alps. There are so many different possibilities that you shouldn't jump to conclusions.
I could be way off base here, and I admit that. However, I just thought that somebody should point out that it is entirely possible that this girl is a nice person, and that she's going through a tough time. We owe everybody the benefit of doubt.
Although, I feel it is commendable to want to further your education so you are able make better career choices...but...when you have a husband (or Wife) and a baby I feel your priorities should be your family first. There are many people that have families and go to school and work. If the family is suffering because of her choices she needs to adjust to make everybody happy...or...maybe she just doesn't care.
I think Laststraw has made some valid comments. The decision to move away for school was probably done with the best of intentions. However, if the marriage cannot survive the separation, the sacrifice for her son's future will be mute.
Paris, you should not lose sight of the fact this was a decision made by both your son and DIL. The fact that it is not working out for his family is something he needs to address and find a way to fix. It seems to me he has been dragging his feet and allowing a problem to morph into a possible crisis that is threatening the future of his family. Moping around, depressed, declaring his love for her will not change a darn thing. He has to insist that the two of them sit down and decide what is best for everyone - him, her and most of all their child. If living apart is harming the relationship they need a new plan. Either she comes home or he moves there. There will be benefits and drawbacks in either case but at least they will have each other. I think your son needs to step up here, be the leader not the victim. Having said that, I do empathize with your son and can understand how depressing it must be separated from your wife, selling your home, moving back home and having your mother raising your child. I'd be depressed too.
Son and DIL seem to love and trust you very much. You are a partner, and a godsend, in raising their child.
Each has told you their innermost fears. IMHO, DIL's don't go for a walk and share their deepest and potentially devastating concerns of their marriage with their MIL, unless they're hoping for a gentle hand of trusted and loving support to help weather the marriage through these rocky times.
Each hasn't told the other, as far as we know. That may be a good thing. Its a good sign that DS is looking for a job near his DW. The sooner he gets down there, the better. Their original plan was postponed too long and the absence did a number on them. Despite everything, these married parents of that terrific little boy are still a couple. IMHO, they need to be living together as a couple, and a family, to make it.
They lived togther for 3 years before marrying, I think in someone else's home? Have DIL and DS ever lived alone as a couple? Or ever alone with their child, as a family?
Your DIL may enjoy living alone so much, mainly because she's only comparing it to living with or very close to someone's (hers or his) parents. She may never had privacy before.
What DIL doesn't know, and what I wish I could tell her, is there's also a privacy between married couples, and easy freedom together if they're compatible, that she may never have experienced. DIL may enjoy her newly parent-free life, like it is normal to do, but not knowng living with your own family in your own private household together, is the best of privacy and independence, and the thrill of love, and the comfort of a soft place to land, and the joy of easy friendship and companionship. DIL would be pleased to discover a woman can be a fun, busy, independent woman enjoying running her very own household, when she has a husband as in love with her as you say DS is, and sweet child as well.
This marriage needs a chance to be a real marriage. Or at least be in the same town. It's not your responsibility, by any means. Just showing support to DS in his decision to try and save his marriage and family, can help guide that little grandson's almost broken-home to a chance at staying together.
Actually, I have to admit that laststraw and DDM are both making sense here. I do believe that they may be going through some things in counselling that probably shouldn't be interferred in. By the same token, I wouldn't place myself in the middle of a situation with my DIL telling me intimate things about her marriage to my son. It's not my marriage and I shouldn't be included, not would I want it. It's just not my place, and I do realize that is simply my own opinion.
Other than talking to my son and finding out how he felt (since this is his marriage and not mine), and asking my DIL not to involve me, but to save her information for her counsellor, my own hands would be tied. It's hard to "guess" what is going on in someone else's relationship (when I would be missing alot of facts), and I believe things always look worse from the outside looking in. I can only hope they work things out and start over. I agree with counselling and can only hope things will work out for them. That's just my opinion and I know everyone will not agree.
P.S.- Just to clarify, I wouldn't want details about their marriage from my son either. What I would want to know though, is that the welfare of my GC is being considered.
Quote from: Sassy on March 25, 2010, 10:44:20 AM
Son and DIL seem to love and trust you very much. You are a partner, and a godsend, in raising their child.
Each has told you their innermost fears. IMHO, DIL's don't go for a walk and share their deepest and potentially devastating concerns of their marriage with their MIL, unless they're hoping for a gentle hand of trusted and loving support to help weather the marriage through these rocky times.
Each hasn't told the other, as far as we know. That may be a good thing. Its a good sign that DS is looking for a job near his DW. The sooner he gets down there, the better. Their original plan was postponed too long and the absence did a number on them. Despite everything, these married parents of that terrific little boy are still a couple. IMHO, they need to be living together as a couple, and a family, to make it.
They lived togther for 3 years before marrying, I think in someone else's home? Have DIL and DS ever lived alone as a couple? Or ever alone with their child, as a family?
Your DIL may enjoy living alone so much, mainly because she's only comparing it to living with or very close to someone's (hers or his) parents. She may never had privacy before.
What DIL doesn't know, and what I wish I could tell her, is there's also a privacy between married couples, and easy freedom together if they're compatible, that she may never have experienced. DIL may enjoy her newly parent-free life, like it is normal to do, but not knowng living with your own family in your own private household together, is the best of privacy and independence, and the thrill of love, and the comfort of a soft place to land, and the joy of easy friendship and companionship. DIL would be pleased to discover a woman can be a fun, busy, independent woman enjoying running her very own household, when she has a husband as in love with her as you say DS is, and sweet child as well.
This marriage needs a chance to be a real marriage. Or at least be in the same town. It's not your responsibility, by any means. Just showing support to DS in his decision to try and save his marriage and family, can help guide that little grandson's almost broken-home to a chance at staying together.
It seems to me that this is DIL Day! Sassy, I believe your insight is clear and well thought out. I can only hope the counsellor is thinking along the same lines...
Sending you big hugs!
It's good to know the GC is being cared for by the most loving care provider possible. I don't know what to think about all the other stuff...I understand the desire to further oneself, but it breaks my heart to see a family in pain and a child missing his/her mom. Sometimes I wish I had been bolder about finishing my degree, but DDD needed me at home for therapy, special care, etc. We could certainly use the larger income I could bring in now with a better education, but we made the decision to be there for her and that's the way it went.
I agree that many wise posts have been made here!
Thank you for your opinion. I tend to think if she wanted to do all of this why did she have a child, and then the summer before her leaving she tried to get pregnant again. That is wonderful to better yourself. What about the children? Do they care at this age if their mother has money. I think the child would prefer mom's love and attention. The child of 3 years old cannot understand his mom's vacancy. I know the two parents have problems and believe me I see what my son is capable of, we had words yesterday. I see a very stubborn, controlling, jealous son. He won't even listen to me when we spoke. He has always been Mr Know it all as a teen. I guess it is still there in his 30's.
I am from the old school. I was poor also, but I didn't leave my kids to go off someplace and ignore them. I waited until they were in school and old enough to understand, then I went back to nursing school. My children always came first and foremost.
Thank you again for your reply and good luck to you.
Hi Paris. I certainly understand your thoughts and feelings. You're in a tough situation and hanging on hoping things can get better is hard. You are right about the GC not caring at this age whether they have money. My guess is that if she's a med student, then money is squeaky at best.
Hang in here and listen to all the opinions. Remember they are just opinions, and only you know what feels right for you! I feel you were given some great insights here, but those are just my feelings and I am not "walking in your shoes." Keep posting and listening, because what I've found is that sometimes you will receive an idea or a perception that just "hits you." We are not always right when we are looking at someone else's situation. The compassion may be there, but without actually being there it's hard to guess at.
I do believe that your son is trying his very best to work things out, and because your DIL is taking the time off her studies (which are guelling for a med student) to go through this counselling, I think her heart is in the right place too! I really believe things are going to work out for them if they keep working together. I also believe that when (not if) these things fall into place, you will be seeing a whole different picture of your son's life and marriage. This day and age, sometimes the woman is the breadwinner and it is becoming more and more common for men to take the role of support. It sounds to me like this may be the case, but I realize this is more of a "hope" on my part.
The best thing I think I would do, is be available. Stay out of the line of fire (personally I wouldn't want their input on personal issues - this is their relationship, not mine), and be there when you are needed. It never hurts to pass out hugs either! Everybody likes to know they have some warm fuzzies like that when they are going through so much!
Especially you - Sending those hugs right away! I hope you feel them!
And yes Paris, what about that GC. Those are questions I feel you have the right to ask. As a grandmother, I feel that is something I am allowed - knowing what the plans for my grandchildren are. And I always want to know they are part of the equation. I like to know they are important. They are to me!
Paris, I hear the frustration in your post and I don't blame you one bit. As adults your son and DIL have every right to make their own decisions but they also have to take the responsibility. It seems to me they have unfairly put much of their responsibility onto you. Why should you be housing a capable, working adult son? Why should you be raising their child? They have not only disrupted their own lives they have disrupted yours. The fact that their decision directly involves you, gives you every right to be involved and give your opinion. They chose to make you part of this whole mess. That gives you a say. IMO
New development and update on my situation this weekend. The DIL was home this weekend visiting, She plain and simply wants a divorce, she loves living on her own and loves being separated from marriage and child. She is very angry when she tells me. She just said I have had enough and I like myself so much better on my own. She told my son, and my son is in denial. He wants to work things out. I also found out she promised my son when she packed up and left that if their mariage was in trouble she would quit school and my son asked her about this in the couple counseling session and she just said too bad I lied. Meanwhile my son still have hope and I just mentioned I don't think she wants to work this out. I also mentioned to him please stay in his counseling to help him through all of this, and help him change some of his thinkings so he won't end up with another woman with a disfunctional family background. Granted my son is not innocent in all of this either it takes two. I am still think the DIL has someone in the wings she just has the attitude and look, and she gets made if my son even hugs or touches her. She conitinues to visit every other weekend to see her son at my home. I truly think those visits will start getting further and further apart. She will not allow my son to drive down there anymore and visit. I have to try and stay neutral until they decide this divorce is going to the attnys....what a mess//. Thank god the DIL wants me to keep the baby with me for now until my son can function alone.
I want to thank everyone who has given their opinion on my situation. I am in pain, and walk on eggshells and I have also my self made an appt to see a counselor to unload all this pent up feelings and I am not sure where i fit in on all of this.
Paris, I'm so sorry! I was hoping that this weekend was going to be a step better with the counselling session on Saturday. I do think you are doing something good for yourself by making that appointment. This whole situation is confusing and I can understand it making you feel as though you don't know where you belong. When I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, the stress feels like it's coming out of the top of my head and I can't think straight about anything.
I also believe your son is in alot of pain too, and I'm glad you talked to him about staying in individual counselling for himself. I have to admit it does sound as if DIL has something going on if she really doesn't want her husband to come visit and shrinks away from his kisses or touches. He is going to need support too. Of course he wants to work things out, you raised him to be the man he is and you did a good job!
It sounds like you are doing everything you can right now and I know this is hard for all of you! I am happy the GC is staying there with you. Do you think you should talk to your son about getting custody papers while the GC is still under your roof? I'm no attorney, but believe the fact that she is leaving your GC with you and DS (the father), it would be easier for your son to gain custody and keep it. I don't know where you live, but Virginia State leans more toward the mothers. Basically, the mother would have to not want her child at all here before the father would get custody, but the fact that your GC is already there may make a difference.
These are all things that may be mentioned in counselling too! You will have support and ideas there that will help you work through the emotions and even the details. Keep us posted here! I believe I would want all the support and understanding I could get if I were you and I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry all of you are.
Sending you hugs, Paris. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
Paris, I'm so sorry...and I do hope you do go to counseling because you're in the middle and it's not a good place to be. He , your son, will be far better off without her but it will take some time for him to get there.
Paris,
My heart aches for you and your son.
You raised a great son ans that is why he has stuck by DIL as long as he has.
DIL sounds like she has some issues to deal with, as I am not sure that she herself knows what she really wants.
Stay strong for your son and GS. They need you more than ever now.
My thoughts are there with you.
Paris,
I feel for you, your ds, and your gs. My gut was telling me that dil's heart was not in the marriage and I know you all have a long road ahead. You are smart to be going to a counselor - great move. I'm thankful that you also have this forum to vent and share. The wise women here will help you through one step at a time. You are not alone. Hugs, Hope
And how great is that, knowing we are not alone! I remember the difference it made for me when I first realized I had found a place where I could share and not be judged, but joined! I hope we can all help make that difference for you too Paris!
it's great to not be judged, Coco!!! Absolutely fabulous!!!
Double what they said :)
Paris,
Like Hope, I felt your dil's heart was not in the marriage. I know how this is hurting you.
Our situations are not that different.
My only advise right now is to be there for your son and grandchild and I know you will be.
I'll be watching for your updates.
Recent update to saga.....DIL saw an attorney this week, now son made an appt with one on Friday. He is going for full custody of child. The DIL still comes home staying at my house for the child. This is the most bizarre situation I have ever encountered. I hear the plan is for her to continue staying at my house even after the divorce to spend time with child. I do think the visits will get less n less as time goes on. My son is talking soon about getting his own apt when divorce is final. She is really in a hurry. They still say they are staying good friends...this i cannot believe especially if one of them get involved with someone else. I hope my son doesn't get involved until he works out his mental state with his counselor after all of this. He really doesn't need another bad situation and repeat history. I continue to stay neutral and with the holiday weekend coming up all my family will be staying at my house along with DIL and son heading for divorce soon. My son still says he is not sure she will go through with it and my feelings are he will be better off if she divorces him. That is in due time...I don't think this has quite sunk in yet with my son.
Thanks for all the replies and support I appreciate very much....Happy Easter to everyone!!
Well Paris, you're right. This is truly a bizarre situation, but then I'm not sure any divorce or custody is understandable or normal. Good for you for staying neutral, even though I know it's not an easy task for a mother to do. It is possible and you're doing it! And DS is smart and loves his son. I'm so happy he is asking for full physical custody, and I agree with you concerning DIL. Her visits may get more and more scarce - it's hard to tell but with the comments she has made to you, I would believe the same thing.
I know this is a hard thing for your son, but with you there supporting him and loving him and your GC, I believe he will see the whole thing through and come out the other end of it. It's good he is staying in counselling (did you say he was?). He will get alot of good information and support there too which will help him. I guess the question I have is how are YOU feeling?
Keeping you all in my heart and prayers, and sending you hug hugs...
Paris,
I agree with you - that it would be best if they did go through with the divorce. Since your dil is in a rush for the divorce, it seems likely that she is in another relationship. Since she's in a hurry, your son may have an advantage with the custody and settlement. Sending love and big hugs, Hope
Paris
How does your son feel about DIL coming there and spending time...? Seems to me and forgive me, if I'm overstepping boundaries...I don't want to hurt your feelings...however, that is your home and your first priority is your son, not DIL? Right? I would sit down and explain to son, that now, isn't a good time to make hasty decissions...to simply work thru this...as best he can...and discuss this issue with him of DIL coming to the house? Ask him how he feels about it....then, explain to him, that the nicer you and he are to DIL right now, the easier the divorce will go...and the easier he will obtain custody. If you make things hard on her now, she may really get mean...I don't know, you know her better, but what I do know is, when divorce happens, you realize, you never really knew that person at all, b/c the ugliest of ugly comes out...
So in order to proceed smoothly, my thoughts are, to make this easy on son and her....? And I could very well be wrong...however, making it easy on one party, makes things easier all the way around...it is best to not make any decision on anger or revenge...b/c in these cases, it always seems like woman have the upper hand, and I do know that laws are different in different states...and all situations are different...
I'm so surprised at her behavior....I was hoping she was simply trying to do better by both of them...and I'm so sorry about this...
This woman now scares me a little....it seems she moves on ulterior motives...which is to her behalf, without thoughts for others, including her child.
Do you see her as a selfish person? This all seems so bizarre....and I'm wondering if she's using you? Or is son ok with her coming there? I mean, it doesn't seem to me, like she realizes any one else's feelings? And that is what scares me, b/c I'm thinking if you forbid her to come there...she may really get nasty, take the child and really go after your son financially?
I don't know Paris, this situation totally has me amiss...on the other hand, if you are nice to her, and allow her to stay there, she could come and go as she pleases, and one day take your grand child back with her?
Does she have family living where you do?
I don't know what to think or say....I really don't....
Paris, on one hand I am sorry DIL has decided to go ahead with the divorce. I hate to see families break up especially when there is a child. On the other hand it beats waiting for the shoe to drop. Your son can now start to move forward. I'm sure there will be a lot of emotional upheaval over the next little while. Your support will be very important for your son.
I am curious as well about your DIL's family. Do you have a relationship there? Are they in the same area? Have you had any feedback from them about this situation?
DDM, I hope you don't get upset with me, because I hate to disagree but I do think differently as far as her family goes. I wouldn't call them and get their take on any of this. My reasons being that they may just decide to get involved in the battle over who will have the GC, and that would fuel the already bad situation. To me getting their take is like opening a can of worms and I would sit still and stay as neutral as possible. That's just how I would feel though and I realize not everyone will agree with that.
Quote from: coco on April 02, 2010, 05:39:24 AM
DDM, I hope you don't get upset with me, because I hate to disagree but I do think differently as far as her family goes. I wouldn't call them and get their take on any of this. My reasons being that they may just decide to get involved in the battle over who will have the GC, and that would fuel the already bad situation. To me getting their take is like opening a can of worms and I would sit still and stay as neutral as possible. That's just how I would feel though and I realize not everyone will agree with that.
I agree with you, Coco...goodness, what a can of worms they would open, In my opinion.
That's how I feel too, Chickie. I just would keep my mouth shut and avoid that call like the plague, especially without knowing their take on all this. Hopefully, without doing that, the divorce and custody issues will go smoother...
And Paris, I remember your son's appointment today and want you to know that I'm keeping all of you in my prayers. I really hope he finds a good attorney and all goes smoothly. From what you have said here, it should work out - and DS will have physical custody. The fact that you are there for him and ready to support and help him will come back on you (I believe). Keep your chin up as much as you can.
Sending you hugs and PINGS! Please pass a hug around to DS and GS too!
Hey guys I'm not upset with your comments at all. I was just really curious. I don't remember Paris mentioning the MIL or FIL in any of her posts. I just wondered if they were in the picture. If they don't have a relationship with the GC that will make things much less complicated for sure. It's kind of sad though. Maybe the apple doesn't fall far from the tree?
Yes DDM, I agree with you. The apple usually has part of the tree inside. I believe we call them "seeds!" I am hoping for Paris and her family, the seeds don't sprout and grow. It would be a can of worms that I wouldn't want to bite into an apple to find! I hadn't even thought of it until your post and this is such a good point! Let's hope they haven't either...
Thanks for the idea DDM. It's really something to be careful and watchful of. I hope you read all of these Paris. :(
My situation keeps getting more and more bizarre. They DS and DIL decided to get a divorce through a mediator, yet she continues to come here sleep in son's room, and he is completely just fine with it. He says they are going to stay good friends, what the heck kind of divorce is that? Most people I know divorce end being around each other anymore...not these two. I cannot figure it out why she wants a divorce. Something is definately fishy. I have to be nice to this girl or else she will take the GS away from me, she can get nasty. Her family does not bother with her, the mother has not communicated with her in years and hasn't seen the gs in 2 years, she is bipolar. The father is an alcoholic and doesn't bother seeing the child either. She wants to stay at my house this summer while she works instead of staying down there. I just don't get it. The DIL told me she thinks of me as her only mother since I have known her at 15yrs old she is now 32. She wants to continue being in the family. My son plans on getting an apt in about 3-4 mths. She tells me that at times she might stay with him too. What in the world kind of divorce is this? I tend to think she wants freedom to go out down there. If she doesn't want to be married to my son, why does she want to be around him whenever she decides to come home. I can only hope she doesn't come home much after the summer. I don't understand the situation does anyone out there?
Paris,
No, I don't get it either. Seems like you're a very important part of her life. I don't know why she'd want to continue
in this way. Maybe someone else can help. There is something going on here, though. I know you need to understand.
Hope help is coming your way through these wonderful people on our site. They are very wise women.
Blessings.... :)
Well I will say that your DIL certainly has 'balls"! She knows what she wants and she apparently has the power to dictate how things are going to be. She sounds like a spoiled brat to me and has little or no consideration for anyone but herself. She gets to live her life away at school without any responsibility for her son or husband. She lets you take care of that. Then she gets to come 'home' when she wants and has everything just how she likes it. In the meantime, everyone adjusts their own lives to accommodate her.
There are lots of 'unconventional' relationship. ie divorced yet living together, married but separate lives etc.. etc. and they can work if both parties agree. She knows what she wants so now it will be up to your son to figure out what he wants.
"I cannot figure out why she wants a divorce. Something is fishy."
Paris you should go with your gut on this. I think there might be more going on then you know as well. I would be very careful about a mediated settlement. I would hate to see your son agree to 'her' terms at his and his son's expense. What may seem workable in the short term (we want to remain friends) could turn into a battle long term. Both your son and DIL will have many changes in their lives over the years. They will have relationship changes, financial changes, location changes etc. Your son has to consider all the possible scenarios and make sure both he and his son are protected. I can understand why your DIL may want to go the mediating route. She is more likely to have a better outcome than she may be 'legally' entitled to. For instance, legally she would be required to pay child support if your son has sole custody. She may even negotiate parental rights for herself that a court may reject etc. I think your son would be wise to either seek legal council or do a lot of research before he agrees to anything. To make concessions in order to avoid conflict may come back to bite him later. I have a feeling your DIL has things worked out in her mind and may not be letting anyone know what her real plans are. Those plans may only come to light once she has all the legal work done and your son's signature on the dotted line. Please be cautious. JMHO
Actually, I agree with mediating, but only with cautiousness. The fact that your son may be granted full physical custody would bring me right to the mediating table. In many states the father doesn't really get custody, unless the mother does not want the child at all. The simplicity of her agreement on this, would be a real selling point (if that is what she is agreeing to). It's something he may not see in a courtroom. Once custody is awarded to one parent, it's almost impossible to turn around over the years. Child support can be altered and changed, but custody is a biggie!
I think it would be wise to go see an attorney for advice on how to proceed (that fee would be nothing but a consultation fee). Then, being forwarned and advised, I would get the quickest mediator I could find (as long as she is still willing to give DS "FULL custody," and proceed quickly.
That's just my take, and only because I do know the laws regarding this in the state of Virginia. Other states may be, and most likely are different, but if it were me, with her agreement that he has full custody, I would believe he's already won a very huge battle in any court.
You're right, their "friendliness" may change over the years, but as I said, visitation and child support can change too. Custody is a real battle, that can tear your heart out. How they want to proceed "as friends" wouldn't bother me at all. The fact that they are remaining friends is actually better for the GC. GC will still have exposure to DIL, and no matter what you feel about her, she is the mother and that will mean allot to that child's future.
That's my take. I would not be too suspicious of her motives. The marriage is over, and the custody battle (the biggest concern) seems to be in DS's favor! This sounds like a win to me, and quick is better - before she changes her mind...
I hope all works out for you Paris. I would see if DS will get an attorney's advice quickly, and push the mediation. I'm no expert, but an attorney in your State will be!
Keeping you in my thoughts, and sending you many hugs!
P.S.- If she is estranged from her biological family, this may be the reason why she is looking to you, and says allot about the kind of positive influence you are. I would think you may have become that mother she always wanted, but never had. That's a compliment. :)
Something else I wanted to add. It's common for parents to take "Joint custody." Don't let these words scare you, as this simply means the parents both have input on the childs welfare. The words in an agreement that will be important for your son (and GC) are "full physical custody," being granted to your son. If those words are there, he has won a great battle in court!
Good luck Paris! Keep us posted...
Coco, you make a good point about mediation and I will agree that it is a very good way to go especially if both parties are basically on the same page about the issues going in. I only worry that Paris' son may give up more than is fair to avoid conflict. Of course I don't know her son, so it is only speculation on my part. Because of my own experience I may also have unfairly judged DIL's motivations. It does sound like she has adopted Paris as her own family, which is understandable considering her background. For what ever reason she does not want to be married - that is quite clear. If she still wants to be like a daughter - why not? Better than being enemies. If she still wants a friendly relationship with her ex, that is also a good thing. As I said, there are lots of unconventional relationships. The main thing is that it works for both of them and most importantly their child. Maybe this should be looked at as the two of them redefining their relationship instead of ending it.
Hi DDM. I agree with you wholeheartedly! That's why I thought the attorney should be the first stop. I just want you to know that I read your posts, and should have included that in my reply, and thought your advice was really good. The only thing I thought differently about was the mediation, and I felt that since it appeared that they had already agreed on going that route, then it may be something for him to take advantage of. The laws are different for different states too. What I know of Virginia State Law, may not be the same where Paris is, so a consultation with an attorney before going to mediation to me anyway, gives me advice and forwarning...
I thought your advice was very good other than that, and was just adding my perspective, from what I do know here in Virginia.
Sending you hugs...
Updating.....Everything keeps getting more n more stressful and fishy. My son and I had a big blow out on his moping around the house and texting, phone, pc seems to be more important these days then his own son. I know he is going through stuff, but he continues constant texting, calling the DIL who want the divorce. I am sure it pisses her off. We spoke calmly today and he still loves this woman and would take her back if she changes her mind. It amazes me. He can get full physical custody, but she can come back in 3 years and fight the issue in court, so advice to my son is document everything she says or does in those years. I agree. I think if the DIL fails out of dental school she might come back and beg him...good god...I actually think he would take her back. He has been hurt, and it seems she is not sure what she wants, I really think she has someone in the background waiting to pay her bills. My son mentioned today that he thinks she will find out she cannot pay her tuition and quit school and want him and the son back. I thought no way she wants to be married, i think she wants to run with other possibilites out there like someone with more money who will pay her bills. My son really believes her and trusts her. I don't I think she is a nut. She plans on coming home for the summer working and staying at my home...this will be very difficult for me to keep the neutral peace. My son has gotten an apt and will fully move out in the next 5 weeks, he wants his son to move with him but only 3-4 days a week, he admitted he cannot raise him on his own fully yet. My son continues on the roller coaster, moody, happy, and very distracted, he also continues counseling. I really think he is pretty sure the DIL will come back and want to stay married. I am hoping she doesn't...it will never work. I think they are both better apart. I know my son mentions she will stay at his apt if she want....I ask you what the heck kind of divorce is this? So very fishy.....nuts...
Quote from: Paris1950 on April 11, 2010, 08:47:26 PM
Updating.....Everything keeps getting more n more stressful and fishy. My son and I had a big blow out on his moping around the house and texting, phone, pc seems to be more important these days then his own son. I know he is going through stuff, but he continues constant texting, calling the DIL who want the divorce. I am sure it pisses her off. We spoke calmly today and he still loves this woman and would take her back if she changes her mind. It amazes me. He can get full physical custody, but she can come back in 3 years and fight the issue in court, so advice to my son is document everything she says or does in those years. I agree. I think if the DIL fails out of dental school she might come back and beg him...good god...I actually think he would take her back. He has been hurt, and it seems she is not sure what she wants, I really think she has someone in the background waiting to pay her bills. My son mentioned today that he thinks she will find out she cannot pay her tuition and quit school and want him and the son back. I thought no way she wants to be married, i think she wants to run with other possibilites out there like someone with more money who will pay her bills. My son really believes her and trusts her. I don't I think she is a nut. She plans on coming home for the summer working and staying at my home...this will be very difficult for me to keep the neutral peace. My son has gotten an apt and will fully move out in the next 5 weeks, he wants his son to move with him but only 3-4 days a week, he admitted he cannot raise him on his own fully yet. My son continues on the roller coaster, moody, happy, and very distracted, he also continues counseling. I really think he is pretty sure the DIL will come back and want to stay married. I am hoping she doesn't...it will never work. I think they are both better apart. I know my son mentions she will stay at his apt if she want....I ask you what the heck kind of divorce is this? So very fishy.....nuts...
Paris, just my 2 cents on her living with you...this is going to be a disaster, I'm afraid. You will do something, not meaning
to at all, but something that will make her furious at you. Little things like fixing dinner might be viewed as aggression
towards her, saying she can't cook. That's the way some of them are....trust me, I would figure out some way for her
to live elsewhere, not with you.
I know you feel caught in the middle and are trying to be accommodating but it will end up with her making you feel
like a second class citizen in your own home. She is up to something and seems like she'll use anyone to get what she
wants. Watch out...
"She plans on coming home for the summer working and staying at my home...this will be very difficult for me to keep the neutral peace."
"My son has gotten an apt and will fully move out in the next 5 weeks, he wants his son to move with him but only 3-4 days a week, he admitted he cannot raise him on his own fully yet."
Paris, I know this is a very stressful and confusing time for you, your son and DIL. In an ideal world it is always wise to stay neutral and let your DIL and son work their relationship out themselves. Unfortunately for you it seems you are expected to be part of their plan whether you want to or not. Personally I don't know how, under these circumstances you can be expected to remain neutral. It sounds from your post that everyone is just assuming that you are prepared to accommodate whatever suits them. Have either of them actually sat down and asked you - "Can I stay with you this summer?", "Would it be OK if I leave GS with you 3or 4 days a week?" - or do they just assume?
For your DIL, I would say if she wants to be free and independent then she needs to do that and find a way to stand on her own two feet. You can't declare your independence and keep sucking off the tit. Leaving a marriage is a big decision and carries big consequences. I sounds to me she is only considering the positives and expects any of the negatives to be taken care of for her by you and your son. Time for her to grow up and time for you to let her.
For you son. Hmmm? I think he should be more than capable of raising his own son. Is it that he feels he 'can't' or he 'would rather not'? All I can say is he is a grown man and if he wants full custody then he has to step up and raise his son. He should have you to help out and support him but his son should be his responsibility.
I just don't understand why these 2 adults think it is acceptable or reasonable to have you tie up all their messy loose ends.
Update....The whole situation in my home is really starting to get to me, I want to kick both my son and this DIL arrangement out of my house, but if I do I will loose my grandson forever and since he has been living with me I have become so attached and feel that he is my own at this point. I am tired of the merry go round, they are getting a divorce and yet she came home last night, and they go up in my sons room, i hear them talking arguing and then banging walls, with lights out so ifigured now they are having physical things going on. I sit in my room wondering what the heck kind of divorce is this? Is it me that is losing it or are they both nuts? My son is supposed to get an apt soon, perhaps i should just mention to my son maybe it is better she stay at your place for her summer home. She was supposed to stay with me and my grandson would not be moved, but this bs is just too much. When she goes back to school, I am wondering if i should mention to my son or ask him what the heck kind of divorce is this? I think maybe you should mention this to your counselor that you are engaging in intimatly when you are supposed to be divorcing. Is this normal for a divorcing couple. Most of the couples I know stay friends but the intimatcy is usually over. This is so irritating to me, how much should I tolerate for my grandson. I know if i say too much they will take this child and use him to get back at me....The child doesn't deserve this. Help before I blow up and say things I regret to my son and her.....
Thanks for the update Paris. I've been thinking of you. First of all I want to say that I am so sorry that you have been subjected to all this personal garbage of 2 grown adults. I have no problem with adult children seeking help and support when things go off the rails. That is what we are there for. But, this goes beyond any sense of respect or consideration for your feelings or your personal space. I think for your sanity you should insist that your son gets moving on that apartment - ASAP!
"I know if I say too much they will take this child and use him to get back at me....The child does not deserve this."
Paris, I'm going to give you a bit of advice that took me a long time to learn myself. You cannot live your life being afraid of your children. You will be miserable and you are not doing your children any favour. So many of us are afraid to confront our children in fear they will withhold affection or cut us out of their lives all together. This is pure blackmail. Unacceptable. If that is the price for their love and respect - then it's too high.
I hope things work out! ((((HUGS)))))
DDM,
I admire your confidence and strength. I find myself going back and forth - but you sound direct, clear, and determined. I like that.
Hugs, Hope