I have been lurking for a while, and wanted to let you ladies know how much you have already helped me. My annoyance level with MIL has been growing steadily recently, but I now understand that I have a pretty good thing going. MIL loves my family, wants to help, and communicates directly with my husband to arrange holidays and other special events. I might post later on to get your suggestions on how to better cope with this lovely MIL of mine. I know she is a wonderful lady, and I am just looking for ways for us both to be more comfortable when we are together. Thanks again!
Lurk away. We are glad that we have been able to give you a broader view. Your attitude sounds like you are going to meet your MIL more than half way and good days lie ahead. Thanks for posting! ;D
Zonedefense, welcome! I'm happy you decided to stop lurking and come in to post! We have other DIL's on this site also. Hopefully, we can all gain some understanding from eachother here.
I'm happy you're here! Post away when you're ready! :)
Zone welcome and I'm so glad you've been helped. I'm happy to read that your situation isn't too bad. It sounds to me like you're just dealing with normal MIL - DIL dynamics. And if both people are healthy then those I would think can be worked out pretty quickly.
I hope I'm not reading your post wrong but I gather you feel like you MIL is a great lady but maybe she tries to take over a bit too much, especially around get togethers and other holidays?? My MIL has been a nightmare in the fact she's insecure, jealous and manipulative however she's never done anything like that to me yet. But my sweet mom is another story. My mom is a huge caregiver and maybe your MIL is too. My mom's identity is wrapped in her ability to caregive someone. I live about five miles from her and one time I was sick and asked her if she'd bring over some soda b/c I needed something fizzy for my sore throat. She did and then came in the house and started cleaning and doing my dishes. I told she didn't have to do that but she didn't stop. I'm in my 30's and she still tries to "guide" me with everyday life. What I think some of it is, is that the grandkids are growing up, her DH died six years ago, her best friend/sister just was put in a nursing home due to stroke and my sister moved further away so I'm kind all she has. I try not to hurt her feelings but I try to encourage to make friends.
Anyway my point is some women this age tend to feel like they have lost the things that made them feel needed and they see this new family being created and they can live vicariously through them. And then that can cause a whole host of problems b/c then the DIL feels like the MIL thinks that the DIL is inept when in reality the MIL just wants to feel needed. Does that make sense?? I think I'd be careful with her feelings and just speak up for yourself where you see fit. If she's a good lady she'll understand. I'll just bet she will.
notaccepted, what an understanding post! In most cases, you're so right. There are so many misunderstanding's between DIL's and MIL's. I used to go in my DIL's house and clean her kitchen and do her dishes too. They had four kids and I thought I was helping out while she was busy with the kids. That way we could all sit down together and "enjoy." I never thought, until I came here that it might be taken that way, but I can understand the concept and the misunderstanding. If they get back together, I will be much more careful. Maybe I should "ask" if I can help. What do you think?
Zone, welcome. You sound like a wonderful DIL. I was just wondering about your statement regarding your MIL directly contacting your DH to arrange holidays and other events. I tend to do the same with my DS because there's been awkwardness between DIL and I. I have often thought I should "suck it up" and call/text/email DIL instead to acknowledge her status as 'social director.' Zone, what do you suggest? Are you saying you appreciate your MIL contacting your DH rather than you, or do you wish she would contact you?
How do the rest of you deal with this?
I get no Holidays,I have to drive out of state and go to her family things.Dil says it's just to much to ask,sense they have kids.They never did come here before they had kids for the holidays,just another excuse.Doe's any body have any suggestions?
Mominwaiting, unfortunetely the ball is in your son's court, if he doesn't stick up for you you're out of luck. The ideal thing to do would be one holiday they come to your house and the next they go to dil's parents' house, this way no one feels left out. My daughter is married and that's what her and her husband do, family is very important to both of them, we all live fairly close and because her husband's family always get together later in the evening for every ocassion, we get together a little bit earlier than we used to at our house and that way they can spend time with both families the same day. It can be worked out but until your son says "this time is my mother's turn", most likely nothing is going to change.
Hi guest1! What a good idea! My husband and I did the exact same thing. It worked out nicely for us (we started out going to "ALL" the Parents and IL's houses and it got to be too much! Of course, they were all in the same area where we lived. I just don't really have any suggestions for families who are living in different states. I would think this would work, but don't really know for sure?
I'm so happy you decided to join in here, and also glad to have you here with us on this site!
I can see not taking the kids away from home every holiday, but every other year or so is good for them. How will they ever learn to tolerate other people's ways of celebrating if they don't experience it first hand? I hope you can come up with a reasonable compromise with your DS & DIL.
I don't or wouldn't expect them to spend every holiday coming to my house.My DIL's Mom never has the holidays at her house,she always has said let some one else have the mess.My DIL's Aunt,Grandma,or sisters have it at their home.We rarely get any quality time.Also,they live with her Mom and Dad,for the last year and a half.I have another single son who shares a small apartment with a friend, that lives about 10-15 minutes away from MS and DIL.I think if i drive 6 hrs to see them they could at least say they would spend some of the holidays with me,but never do.And if i drive up when it's not a holiday,never fails some body in her family has something we have to go to.I feel this is disrespectful,but maybe it's just me.How would the rest of you feel about this?I decided last Easter,and it was my single sons B-day,that we would just go out for a nice Dinner,and let them go with her side of the family if thats what they wanted to do.I keep telling my married son,nothing against her family,but i don't drive 6 hrs to spend it with her family,they see each other all the time,my time is very limited.I did the same thing Christmas eve,spent it with my single son.DIL'S side of the family every year,have a 3-4 day Christmas get away,2 weeks before Christmas.Dil's sister has Christmas eve get together.DIL's grandma has Christmas Day.Maybe i'm wrong but i think Mom and Dad's come before siblings.Once in a while i wouldn't mind spending with DIL's family,but not all the time.
How do the rest of you feel about this,would it bother you,and would you just spend the time with single son or always go to DIL's get togethers?
It would definetely bother me, I don't think you're being treated fairly, it seems to me they could spend a holiday with you once in a while but if your son knows how you feel and is ok with it, there's not much you can do. All I can tell you is that kids learn from example and it is important for them to get to know and spend time with both sides of the family unless of course one side of the family was a really bad influence. Your son and dil will pay the consequences of their actions. I'm sorry you're going through this, if you enjoy your single son's company then by all means continue to do what you're doing. Do go and see your grand kids whenever you can though, remember they're not the ones doing this to you.
Thank you guest 1,My son has changed so much.He used to stick up for his family,but it was always a BIG blow up!!!He loves his kids sooooooo much,i am so proud of what an excellent father he is,and so good to my DIL.After my 2nd GC was born he said he couldn't fish any more,couldn't hunt any more,see his friends any more,and if he couldn't see me thats where he drew the line.Well........she wanted a divorce........when he stood up to her about me.She is very manipulative and controlling,she can make his life miserable.I am not a bad influence,dont drink,do drugs,cuss,i keep my home clean,i'm a hard worker.I think it's easier for him to just let her have her way,than deal with the drama.My oldest GS was 3,he told me when i push my brother i get a time out,if i hit my brother i get a GOD D@#$%T!!! and said it just like i have heard her say that.My son hung his head and said he got that from DIL,he was embarrassed.I'm not saying she is a bad Mother,she is a very good Mom,just goe's into a RAGE at times.
I think he might be having a hard time copeing with her,but my GC deserve to have a relationship with me and his side of the family.
Quote from: penstamen on February 06, 2010, 03:35:54 PM
I can see not taking the kids away from home every holiday, but every other year or so is good for them. How will they ever learn to tolerate other people's ways of celebrating if they don't experience it first hand? I hope you can come up with a reasonable compromise with your DS & DIL.
I agree Penstamen! With that kind of a drive ahead I would think once in a while would work for them? I know it's hard going on long drives with kids in the car, and too expensive to fly that many people. Do you think you can talk to your son about "trying" to come see you once a year? I wouldln't feel that would be asking much. Of course I guess it would depend on how much time they could get off work, but if they come to see you for a weekend, then they might only have to take a couple of days off for driving and recouping.
I hope things work out for you. Keep us posted...
I have suggested years ago Coco,that they take a couple vacation days to make it easier.Then my DIL's Mom,after i suggested this,came up with another family get away for them,with all her family,so now they never have any vacation time left.I feel like i'm wasting my time trying any more.It's all about,with,and for her family.I don't know if i should keep requesting,or just stop.
Thank you for your input.
Quote from: Mominwaiting on February 07, 2010, 07:52:49 AM
I have suggested years ago Coco,that they take a couple vacation days to make it easier.Then my DIL's Mom,after i suggested this,came up with another family get away for them,with all her family,so now they never have any vacation time left.I feel like i'm wasting my time trying any more.It's all about,with,and for her family.I don't know if i should keep requesting,or just stop.
Thank you for your input.
That's a good question then. I am hoping the DIL's on this site can give you some good input...
We have some wonderful women (DIL's) here, and they give us another side to consider. I really don't know what to tell you. Why don't you start your own post about this (so we're not hijacking this one so much). This will give you specific input that you can come back to!
Thank you Coco,and I'm very sorry Zone,didn't mead to just take over your post.
My apologies again to zone.
If any one has any input for me please go to the post i started on" Do our sons ever have any regrets"
thanks so much
Zone, I still would like to know how you and other DILs feel about your MILs contacting their DSs instead of you to plan social events. Do you DILs want to be contacted first, or do you prefer DS to run interference with MIL? (You had mentioned in post #1 that your MIL always contacted your DH regarding these matters. I couldn't tell if that was something you appreciated or if it annoyed you.) I don't usually contact my DIL first, and I'm thinking maybe I should. Help!
Just my opinion, I prefer that my MIL contact DH rather than go thru me for everything. He's an adult and I'm not his keeper. Granted, he often needs to check with me as he never remembers when our kids have something going on, but that's just the way we do things.
Doormat,
We are only trying to bypass the middle man and go straight to the source. It's fruitless to go thru him and then he goes to you and he gets back to us with an answer. By then, the event is usually either over or it's too late to have a decision made.
It's a wholesaling trick done by the retailer. Go straight to the manufacturer, bypassing the sales rep.
Quote from: Mominwaiting on February 07, 2010, 09:39:12 AM
Thank you Coco,and I'm very sorry Zone,didn't mead to just take over your post.
Hi Mominwaiting!
I didn't see that as a big problem. Conversations take turns. It's just what happens on posts. HA! I just thought if you start your own post about this, you may get more input than just asking in another post. You are ok and we are all happy your here. Hopefully you'll get some good input and it will hellp you make decisions about what you want to do.
You have that post, "Do Our Sons Have Regrets," and that is a great idea, or you could start your own post presenting the question. Good luck, and again - we are happy to have your insight here! :)
Quote from: doormat on February 07, 2010, 02:40:13 PM
Just my opinion, I prefer that my MIL contact DH rather than go thru me for everything. He's an adult and I'm not his keeper. Granted, he often needs to check with me as he never remembers when our kids have something going on, but that's just the way we do things.
Hi doormat - welcome!
Do you call MIL back and let her know, or does he ask while she's still on the phone? I guess the question should be "how do we go about asking in a way that is not taken as insulting (or overbearing) to out DIL's?"
Correct me if I'm wrong Penstamen, but aren't you asking if you should go through your DS, in order to allieviate feelings that your DIL may see you this way?
Glad you've been hanging out with us...and, it's refreshing to hear a DIL speak so well of her MIL....you'll be a great asset to us...welcome....creme
Coco,thats why i started that post,i was trying to work up to that question.But it got "hi jacked" i guess,oh well.............it helps just reading every one else's post.
I'm so sorry! That's awful Mominwaiting, but I know it does happen. Would it help to reply to a post and reword your question to knock it back on track?
I hope I didn't do that to you. I know I have before...
If so, I'm very sorry...
Quote from: cocobars on February 08, 2010, 04:14:43 AM
Quote from: doormat on February 07, 2010, 02:40:13 PM
Just my opinion, I prefer that my MIL contact DH rather than go thru me for everything. He's an adult and I'm not his keeper. Granted, he often needs to check with me as he never remembers when our kids have something going on, but that's just the way we do things.
Hi doormat - welcome!
Do you call MIL back and let her know, or does he ask while she's still on the phone? I guess the question should be "how do we go about asking in a way that is not taken as insulting (or overbearing) to out DIL's?"
Correct me if I'm wrong Penstamen, but aren't you asking if you should go through your DS, in order to allieviate feelings that your DIL may see you this way?
Ahh, well here's the thing. I wouldn't have any problem with any of the ILs contacting me directly BUT, there are a few of them that seem to wait until the very last second, then throw guilt trips if we don't respond favorably. I have one relative on my side who is notorious for this as well. So, just to make it a clear-cut, across the board thing, DH's family goes thru him and mine goes thru me. My family is much less likely to give me grief than they are DH, and vice versa.
It's always been my view if it's so dang important for us to be there, they would have asked us sooner.
Plus, if I say no, they tend to get a whole lot more irritated than when DH says no. It boils down to, if there is any grief to be gotten, DH takes it from his side, I take it from mine.
Well, I think that's just showing consideration. Thanks for clearing that up, doormat! You're not a doormat, by the way! Sounds like you have a clear head and are trying to work things out...
Thank you for that input :)
Quote from: Mominwaiting on February 07, 2010, 07:52:49 AM
I have suggested years ago Coco,that they take a couple vacation days to make it easier.Then my DIL's Mom,after i suggested this,came up with another family get away for them,with all her family,so now they never have any vacation time left.I feel like i'm wasting my time trying any more.It's all about,with,and for her family.I don't know if i should keep requesting,or just stop.
Thank you for your input.
no two people are alike, but I found, the harder I tried, the less my DIL liked me....
my counselor said, it's a sign of weakness to her....
So it depends on the person....
Creme, The last counselor I talked to said, "stop trying to engage her. At all cost, stop it" NO MORE MONEY FROM ME GOING TO GO TO A COUNSELOR FOR TRYING TO UNDERSTAND THIS 17 YEAR RELATIONSHIP.
It's so hard for me because she is the messenger to our son who interprets all our family dynamics. It seems she thinks our son was not the favorite. She points out pictures where our son (taller than the other one at the time) was in the back. Well, excuse me, that's the way the photographer put us.
If we lived in a foreign country and we could only send letters. Here's the way it would go...address the letter to: Mr. & Mrs. John Smith. DING DING DING DING!!!! Wrong, she has a name. "Don't we know she has a name??" >:(
John and Susie Smith...."why his name first and not mine??"
Susie Smith: "what is going on? Does she want to be my clone? What about DH? See? She doesn't care about him!!"
Calling on phone: "why does she call so early?" "why does she wait till she KNOWS we're eating? Why doesn't she just write instead of calling?? She's trying to manipulate and guilt trip us by calling and saying she misses us. She a narcissist...I've noticed it from the beginning. I'm going to let DH make his own mind up. That's always best."
It is hopeless...
Chickie - SHE is hopeless... no matter what you do, you can't win... she is looking for ways to twist all your actions into something negative. I think your counselor was right when they said stop trying to engage. I don't think that means cutting off contact with her, your son or anyone - I think disengaging can also mean disengaging your emotions from the other person's behavior - knowing that the problem is THEM and that you have done your best and whatever criticisms she makes of your actions - don't let it get to you because you know you have not done anything wrong.
Easier said then done I know :-\
Quote from: isitme? on February 08, 2010, 10:43:15 AM
Chickie - SHE is hopeless... no matter what you do, you can't win... she is looking for ways to twist all your actions into something negative. I think your counselor was right when they said stop trying to engage. I don't think that means cutting off contact with her, your son or anyone - I think disengaging can also mean disengaging your emotions from the other person's behavior - knowing that the problem is THEM and that you have done your best and whatever criticisms she makes of your actions - don't let it get to you because you know you have not done anything wrong.
Easier said then done I know :-\
isitme
OMG, how are you, I was thinking about you and missing you....hope all is well
Thank you, Isitme.....thanking God that we have the best DILs on here. You are one of them.
Thanks Chickie and Creme,
I've been thinking about you all too! Have kept up with everyone's posts but haven't added much lately. Things are going well so far - we are getting officially engaged (notifying family etc. etc.). I have not spoken to my FMIL at all so I"m not sure what to expect when I do.
We've also finished our counseling - there was a lot we got out of it so I"m glad we went but there were also things I didn't agree with but that's okay. What I found a little bit striking was that in our last session, we spent most of the time talking about FMIL and how my FH, his father and brother could try to get her on some kind of anti-depressant and encourage her to get out of the house and participate in activities/life. I think this a great idea but this has to be something they do - I can't be involved with it. I really hope they follow through on this but it's going to take some time.. I am a little miffed though - after a particularly grueling conversation with FMIL a few months ago (which I reported here) I suggested to FH in as dipolomatic a way as I could, that his mother might be suffering from depression and maybe they should look into getting her some help. That is kind of what led to the discussion about dealing with FMIL which ultimately led to us going to counseling. Now several months and several hundreds of dollars later, we have heard the SAME exact words from a professional. Hmm..... I'm still glad we went though :)
Hope everything is going well with you and everyone else - and hope everyone who was caught in the snow is snug and warm today!
She probably is severely depressed. I hope someone gets her help and you were right, she was. I guess the depression was talking to you and not her.
I'm getting fed up with counselors. I hate that because that's what they're for. What happened to common sense, though? You saw the depression in his Mother right off and now hundreds of dollars later, it's what it is!! Unbelievable!
Sometimes a good friend is better than all the counselors in the world. Problem is, you don't want them burdened with you and your problems.
Somebody needs to slap me real hard today. I'm getting too riled up. We're attracting so many "guests" that we're going to overload the system. ;D
They love to hear me go on and on. :P The more I rant, the madder they get.
Who will do the slapping? I'm ready, go ahead. :-[
I'm not slapping anymore, it makes me feel guilty! But, I will try pinging... PING!
Pshhht! Oh my, that didn't do it!
Luise, will you please "ping" Chickie too! Yours work better!
No pinging....I need slapping. Coco! You have the same disease I have!!!
I feel guilty about everything. I was proudly raised on guilt and passive aggressive comments!! YAY!! No wonder I'm nuts. I had no idea what was going on till the new age of women told us! Well, slap me naked and hide my clothes.
Isitme? Will you do it? :)
Quote from: isitme? on February 08, 2010, 10:57:26 AM
Thanks Chickie and Creme,
I've been thinking about you all too! Have kept up with everyone's posts but haven't added much lately. Things are going well so far - we are getting officially engaged (notifying family etc. etc.). I have not spoken to my FMIL at all so I"m not sure what to expect when I do.
We've also finished our counseling - there was a lot we got out of it so I"m glad we went but there were also things I didn't agree with but that's okay. What I found a little bit striking was that in our last session, we spent most of the time talking about FMIL and how my FH, his father and brother could try to get her on some kind of anti-depressant and encourage her to get out of the house and participate in activities/life. I think this a great idea but this has to be something they do - I can't be involved with it. I really hope they follow through on this but it's going to take some time.. I am a little miffed though - after a particularly grueling conversation with FMIL a few months ago (which I reported here) I suggested to FH in as dipolomatic a way as I could, that his mother might be suffering from depression and maybe they should look into getting her some help. That is kind of what led to the discussion about dealing with FMIL which ultimately led to us going to counseling. Now several months and several hundreds of dollars later, we have heard the SAME exact words from a professional. Hmm..... I'm still glad we went though :)
Hope everything is going well with you and everyone else - and hope everyone who was caught in the snow is snug and warm today!
Well, congratulations, I hope things all work out, you never know, if the 3 of them talk to her, maybe, she'll admit she has some problems....maybe this one will be a happy ending and after your married, she'll be happy to have her new daughter.
wishing you the best.
Creme
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on February 08, 2010, 11:08:06 AM
What happened to common sense, though?
No slapping! How about some dancing around instead?
Once when I was talking about common sense, a professor of mine stopped me and said "You should call it good sense - because it ain't that common!" Sadly so true.
I agree with what you said about counselors sort of... but the truth is sometimes it DOES take an objective 3rd party to get someone to listen (in this case, FH realizing that he shouldn't just "cope" with his mother, if he loves her he will try to get her some real help). Maybe the DIL/MIL relationship in particular is just to fraught with underlying emotions for either to communicate effectively about the other in a way that a husband/son will respond to. I"m not sure about that though.
Thanks for the good wishes Creme - as things play out over the next few months I'm sure I"ll be asking for all your advice!
If it makes any of you feel better - after all the hoopla I read here about the other hate site, I went and checked it out. Wow, I wouldn't want to be married to most of those women! I think the ones that speak up here are generally not of that sort - which is why we get along. I still primarily think of this as a support group for MILs but I also think it's a good site in general for anyone who has to deal with an emotionally unhealthy person (for whatever reason) but DOESN'T want to do it in a way that cuts off family relationships. So I"m glad there are several other DILs here who post regularly - I think it serves as a reality check for all of us to have these different perspectives.
The "contact your son" method is what my son and DIL use. The way she explained it to me is that with families, there are always phone calls to make and stuff to get and things to do for any visit. Like if they come to see me, they need to find someone to get their mail and feed the cat while they're gone. To keep the division of labor fair, my son handles all the calls, getting things booked, and mapping the route for visits with his family and she does it with hers. Not how we did it in my day, but I have to say it makes sense. Now how do I convince my husband of this....
Dancing around? Okay, if you think that will fix me. I can't say those things in real life so off I go. But, thanks.
Yes, you're right about the Counselors. They are a good third party interpreter and necessary in your case especially.
You are just wonderful, Isitme. (I don't want you to get a bad rep by me saying that, though) Our other DILs are great too.
Yes, other sites are really over the top and we're becoming a huge threat to them. They've been admonished not to talk about us any more-- to their credit.
I wish they had taken that stand when Creme and I were first searching for answers there.
What does your Husband say about it, Lilly? Does he not like it that way?
You seem really together....peaceful, would you mind slapping me so I can stop this?
My husband is fine with the way they do it. I handle all the arrangements for our family, so it doesn't really involve him. But I'm looking at how my son and DIL do it and thinking "boy wouldn't it be nice if my DH got his sister a card and mailed it instead of me" Her birthday is in early January and I'm usually going so crazy getting ready for 12th night that it can be a bit of a hassle, but I've always just done that stuff for both families.