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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: SaadMom on February 02, 2011, 07:20:31 PM

Title: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: SaadMom on February 02, 2011, 07:20:31 PM
Hi Everyone,

I love to read every single post in this forum, but never before got the courage to post!
Would you please help me on this one.....Long story short, married over 15yrs, the first ten yrs
I tried to win my in laws heart; but no luck. Due to DH job we were never close to his home,  and when we visited
they were somehow cordial to say the most. DH always say "they are just like that", but I could see how nice they treated other people.
I had two babies from a previous relation and I believe that is what they did not like about me....after 10 yrs of them only sending Birthday and XMAS cards and presents to DH, and completely ignoring the kids and I; finally I got the courage and say enough is enough and told DH, I am refusing to get hurt any longer. So, pretty much I don't reach out any more.
It really hurts that DH never stands up to his parents, his excuse is that they are different.
Today he got his Family Reunion Invite, only his name on the envelope. On the relatives names roster shows only his name, but his cousins and siblings spouses names are included next to their names.
When I bring stuff like this to DH attention, he say is me; that there is nothing wrong with that!
Please help me, I just want to know if this is "normal". Could it be that I am over sensitive now because of my past experiences with them?

Thank You
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: Pen on February 02, 2011, 07:36:46 PM
SaadMom, I'm glad you finally decided to post, but I'm so sorry for the reason :( 

Your situation breaks my heart. I don't know why your DH isn't more sensitive about this. Without him on your side I'm afraid nothing will change. I'd ask him to keep the invitations and other communications out of your line of sight. You are wise to have stopped reaching out. Please make sure you are taking care of yourself by having other plans on the day of the reunion, preferably something very fabulous and costly :)
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: luise.volta on February 02, 2011, 07:42:39 PM
Welcome! IMHO: There ain't no "normal." The "If I ignore it, it will go away" folks are just like that. If they marry  sensitive people, the sensitivity is ridiculed and/or blown off. Respect isn't part of the package.

I have been there (on the sensitive side) and it's really hard to build a strong self-image and self-confidence in such circumstances if you didn't start out that way. And if you did, it wouldn't bother you. I just packed it in after 18 years. I couldn't "grow where I was planted," so I "planted myself where I could grow". Sending love...
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: SaadMom on February 02, 2011, 08:03:45 PM
Thank you Ladies.....at this point what it hurts me the most is  DH position/attitude, I'm starting to resent him.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: LaurieS on February 02, 2011, 10:06:15 PM
Quote from: SaadMom on February 02, 2011, 08:03:45 PM
Thank you Ladies.....at this point what it hurts me the most is  DH position/attitude, I'm starting to resent him.

Sure you are starting to resent him and rightfully so.. it's one thing to put on blinders it's another to try and convince you that their games are not aimed towards hurting you.  I think he is steadily pushing you towards that resentment.

Is it normal?  Would it be normal for him to have his parents for dinner and you choose to only serve food to yourself and your children?  No the game they are playing will continue because he is allowing it to continue.. and he will allow it because obviously he doesn't either have enough self pride or respect for you as his equal partner.

Not only would I not attend the family reunion but I would ask him not to as well...at some point he's going to have to realize that it's his inaction that will take your relationship over the edge.... 15 years you've put up with this .. you're a better person then I.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: Mariatobe on February 03, 2011, 02:31:52 AM
I agree with the others.  Don't go, and I would strongly let him know you resent his attitude and sweeping his parents bad behavior under the rug.  Please contact a marriage counselor, it can go a long way, and greatly help your relationship.  If he won't go, go without him, and tell him how you feel.  He doesn't respect his own marriage  He's ready to throw you under the bus for his parents.  Something big has to change.  HE needs to tell his parents about their appalling behavior, because, yes, it WAS deliberate.  If he can't do that, your resentment is only going to grow like a knot in your stomach.  Good luck.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: cadagi101 on February 03, 2011, 03:42:48 AM
Quote from: SaadMom on February 02, 2011, 07:20:31 PM
Hi Everyone,

I love to read every single post in this forum, but never before got the courage to post!
Would you please help me on this one.....Long story short, married over 15yrs, the first ten yrs
I tried to win my in laws heart; but no luck. Due to DH job we were never close to his home,  and when we visited
they were somehow cordial to say the most. DH always say "they are just like that", but I could see how nice they treated other people.
I had two babies from a previous relation and I believe that is what they did not like about me....after 10 yrs of them only sending Birthday and XMAS cards and presents to DH, and completely ignoring the kids and I; finally I got the courage and say enough is enough and told DH, I am refusing to get hurt any longer. So, pretty much I don't reach out any more.
It really hurts that DH never stands up to his parents, his excuse is that they are different.
Today he got his Family Reunion Invite, only his name on the envelope. On the relatives names roster shows only his name, but his cousins and siblings spouses names are included next to their names.
When I bring stuff like this to DH attention, he say is me; that there is nothing wrong with that!
Please help me, I just want to know if this is "normal". Could it be that I am over sensitive now because of my past experiences with them?

Thank You



Hi Saadmom,
I thought about your post and went to bed.    I decided to get up and reply to you my thoughts.     I think the opposite to the other posters.    I also agree  you are being treated very poorly  you have every right to be their.   Could be a pretty dull night (some family reunions definately are)  but....  I would ask myself 4. questions.

1.   Do you think there are others in the family who may have had a hand in sending the invitations  and excluding you?
2.    Do you think MIL would be embarrased that you came to the reunion?
3.    Do you think MIL    would make a scene and say to anyone you weren't invited
4.    Do you want to go?  really you are part of the family so you have every right to be their.

If you don't think MIL has a troop of supporters behind her...then don;t let 1 or 2 people put you off.    Smile and chat to everyone else.     How embarrassing and shallow of her if she did make a scene..you would win supporters if she was that stupid.    If MIL will be embarrased if you are their all the more reason to go.    (be in her face) what would make her wilder than that?     If you want to go and aren't going to be bored wittless  I would go!!!!

But if dh takes a stand against his mother and supports you and won't go, I would be with him on that decision.  If he say's he is going and is OK that you weren't invited I would be very cranky and tell him you are part of the family and you will be going also.    Your children also need to be included and made welcome in his family. 



 



Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: holliberri on February 03, 2011, 06:04:01 AM
If my family ever did that to DH....they could expect me to not attend as well.  If he had kids, had been married 5 times, was of a different religion, race, or whatever...it doesn't matter. He isn't abusive to me and I love him, so frankly, if I were in your husband's shoes, no family behaving like that would be a family of mine.  Maybe it is normal, it doesn't necessarily make it right.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: Pooh on February 03, 2011, 06:05:07 AM
Not me...after all the years of trying and no support from DH, I would be saying, "Ha, I don't have to go as I wasn't invited!"  Then I would plan a great outing that day with my kids and go have fun. If DH wants to go, let him.

Sorry, I know that doesn't help you feel better about it.  I agree with the others here that said until DH opens that blind eye, things are not going to change.  And it's bad enough when we see small things that are undermining our relationships, but even worse when it is blatant and put in writing.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: penelope on February 03, 2011, 07:14:41 AM
the ladies are right Saadmom,I've been married for 23yrs,dh couldn't stand up to his mom,as time went on it just got worse,I did learn to ignore it,but thats no way to live,when she passed I was sad,but a small part of me felt this heavy weight lifted off my shoulders~you need to take a stand for yourself and your children~and if you do go,the ladies are right again,just becouse she's like that doesn't mean the entire family is,my dh siblings are wonderful~
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: lancaster lady on February 03, 2011, 08:02:45 AM
Hi Saadmom,
Another sad mom ....and yes it is sad !
What you didn't mention is does your DH actually want you to go ?
After my recent troubles my DS stood by his partner through thick and thin ,and while it hurt me the
fact he didn't support me as much ,I have to admire the fact he wouldn't budge from her side .
I feel you are getting no support from him at all .
Also after 15 years they should realise you are a couple /family and treat you as one .
Time to make a stand ....never too late to let DH/MIL know how you feel .
Thing is if you don't go ,they have won .
DH should contact his family and ask whether the invitation includes you . Then you'll know where you stand .
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: holliberri on February 03, 2011, 10:37:43 AM
Oh LL, that makes a lot of sense. Ask why you're not on the invitation and put them on the spot. I think that might work to!
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: stilltryen on February 03, 2011, 12:06:46 PM
Loved Laurie's post, "Would it be normal for him to have his parents for dinner and you choose to only serve food to yourself and your children?"  I could just see that happening.  Tell hubby that you are family too.  If he goes by himself, he's a jerk.  You'd think after all these years, he would have grown a spine.

I think I might deliberately choose to go with him, because if you've distanced yourself from his family, the IL's might have the entire family hating you because of things they've said.  This would be your chance to get to know the rest of the family and show them what a wonderful person you are.  It might make it harder for your MIL to exclude you from events when everyone else likes you and wants you to come.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: holliberri on February 03, 2011, 12:08:09 PM
StillTryen has a good point too! Kill 'em with a smile!
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: penelope on February 03, 2011, 05:13:05 PM
10 years is a long time~I bet other family members will invite you to things to,once they get to know you:) if dh has been like this for so long,the odds are he won't change on his own~
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: SaadMom on February 03, 2011, 09:43:03 PM
Thank you, you ALL are great!

Luise, I heard you .... I'm ready to plant myself where I can grow, you have to see DH eyes when I "stole" your phrase  ;D

Courtney and Pen, I am packing and started shopping on-line at the same time!

Julia, I tried for years to "win" her with no luck and now I just don't want to be hurt any longer by her or any relatives.

Laurie, you cracked me up ;D I'm with Stilltryien I COULD SEE THAT HAPPENING ;D

Holliberri, I use to do that KILL' EM WHIT A SMILE; but did not work  >:(

Lancaster Lady, He knows better.... I agree with Pooh  I won't attend if I wasn't invited!


Talked to DH and told him that enough is enough (and much more), his reply was "I'M NOT GOING, DON'T WORRY"
I told him that wasn't going to solve the issue, to stop ignoring the situation and to talk to his parents or else.....
He really don't like to attend those functions and is easier for him to say "I'M NOT GOING", and forget about it (easy way out)
The worst part is that he is a great husband and father to my kids, but can not stand up to his parents.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: LaurieS on February 03, 2011, 09:55:21 PM
But he did say "I'm not going" .. do you think he heard you?  Standing up to overbearing parents is extremely hard for some people.. chances are that is how they came to be overbearing parents to begin with.

I think the hardest part about being hurt is when the person you love the most can't see your pain.  I do hope you can work it out, I'm not a huge advocate of counseling but this might be a good time, not only for your relationship but I think your dh really needs to wake up and smell the coffee.  You've been patient long enough.. good luck to you.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: Mariatobe on February 04, 2011, 05:16:29 AM
I see what the other ladies are saying about going, but Saad's dealt with this for 15 years.  They get away with treating her like crap because DH lets it go on.  Shame on him.  I think he is the problem even more so than his parents. (Although they're not much better.)  He wants to sweep it under the rug and hope it will all go away.  The only problem is, now anger has festered for so long, and you resent him as much as them.  You need to talk to a counselor, or pastor.  The problem won't go away, you need a third party so maybe he'll finally "get it."  If not,  and if his attitude doesn't change, I don't see a lot of hope for your marriage.  You can only put up with resentment for so long.  The reunion is only one of many things.  Maybe also speak with a divorce attorney.  Then he'll know your serious, something has to change.  Good luck.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: holliberri on February 04, 2011, 05:26:32 AM
Isn't "not going" standing up to his parents? He can't fix them, but he is standing by you doing that...I think. Is it possible they can't be changed?
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: Pooh on February 04, 2011, 06:21:00 AM
I think the "not going" could be a cop-out to avoid the situation OR him taking a stand for his wife.  Could be either, but unless he clarifies it with his parents and SaadMom by telling them that he is "not going" because they are not respecting his wife, it could be more of a cop-out.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: lancaster lady on February 04, 2011, 11:32:16 AM
Quote from: Pooh on February 04, 2011, 06:21:00 AM
I think the "not going" could be a cop-out to avoid the situation OR him taking a stand for his wife.  Could be either, but unless he clarifies it with his parents and SaadMom by telling them that he is "not going" because they are not respecting his wife, it could be more of a cop-out.

I agree with Pooh , he has to let his family know ,it's all of us ,or none at all !
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: seasage on February 04, 2011, 12:04:27 PM
Saadmom,

I am wondering what problem you are trying to solve.  You surprised me when you said "I'm ready to plant myself where I can grow", because to me that meant you might be getting ready to leave your nest.  You also said your DH "is a great husband and father to my kids, but can not stand up to his parents".

The treatment given to you by your DH's FOO is unacceptable.  I too would be ready for a change. 

But what change?  What do you really want?  Will your marriage falter if your DH doesn't speak our on your behalf?  Or - given that most men are wimps in the personal relationship department - would an acceptable solution be that his FOO changed their ways in spite of DH rather than because of him?

I am sitting in my office right now, in business mode, and therefore thinking of several ways you might be able to demand the proper treatment from DH's FOO.  One way I would think of solving this problem myself, were I in your situation, would be to call another DIL in the family and ask directly "Why are you included on the list of attendees whereas I am not?"  Or call your FIL directly and ask that question.  (Often better to call a FIL than a MIL because men are easier to sway.)

Are you a problem-solving DIL or is your happiness/marriage dependent on your DH solving this problem for you?

Tell us which is more important to you: (a) having DH solve the problem, or (b) getting it solved so you be part of the clan and then go on with your otherwise happy life?
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 04, 2011, 12:09:41 PM
Quote from: seasage on February 04, 2011, 12:04:27 PM
Saadmom,

I am wondering what problem you are trying to solve.  You surprised me when you said "I'm ready to plant myself where I can grow", because to me that meant you might be getting ready to leave your nest.  You also said your DH "is a great husband and father to my kids, but can not stand up to his parents".

The treatment given to you by your DH's FOO is unacceptable.  I too would be ready for a change. 

But what change?  What do you really want?  Will your marriage falter if your DH doesn't speak our on your behalf?  Or - given that most men are wimps in the personal relationship department - would an acceptable solution be that his FOO changed their ways in spite of DH rather than because of him?

I am sitting in my office right now, in business mode, and therefore thinking of several ways you might be able to demand the proper treatment from DH's FOO.  One way I would think of solving this problem myself, were I in your situation, would be to call another DIL in the family and ask directly "Why are you included on the list of attendees whereas I am not?"  Or call your FIL directly and ask that question.  (Often better to call a FIL than a MIL because men are easier to sway.)

Are you a problem-solving DIL or is your happiness/marriage dependent on your DH solving this problem for you?

Tell us which is more important to you: (a) having DH solve the problem, or (b) getting it solved so you be part of the clan and then go on with your otherwise happy life?

seasage-
I see where you're going with this and totally get it, but I don't always think it's as simple as that.  My ILs already think I'm an evil witch, therefore ANYTHING I say to them is going to be filed under, "yeah whatever," because they just think I'm evil.  They won't take me seriously and quite honestly, there really isn't any other way for us to handle it besides DH standing up to them.  Sometimes people have to have consequences to their actions before they'll change.  And sometimes the wife talking to them directly just rolls off their back- so you're right back at square one.  It's not always as black and white as "are you dependent on your DH for happiness or are you a problem solver?"  I'm certainly not dependent on my DH for happiness, but with his family, IF the problem is to be solved, it's only going to be solved by them listening to him.

Plus, I'd think there was a probability of getting a more honest answer if DH asked his parents, "why in the world is my wife conveniently the only spouse left off this list?"  Instead of the wife calling and asking directly, "why would you leave me off?"  If I did that, my ILs would just call me even worse names than they already do.  Probably something along the lines of tyrant and control freak.  Just something to think about.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: pam1 on February 04, 2011, 12:18:21 PM
But what kind of relationship is it when you or your spouse have to demand proper treatment? 

If someone can't be consistently kind and civil without their hand being forced it's likely that most people will not stay in the situation.  It's unpleasant and unneeded -- family or not.  There is no one that gets a pass for treating my loved ones like poo.  I expect the same.


Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: Pooh on February 04, 2011, 12:31:46 PM
OW, I was thinking along the same lines when I read it.  I get where seasage was going with that too because I prefer to handle things myself, not put someone else in the middle.  And normally I am a big advocate of that. 

But if its been going on this long, and by leaving her off the invitation, they are already saying they do not value her.  If she said anything directly to MIL or FIL, they would write it off as "there she goes again."  And I definately would not call another family member and involve them.  Even if the other DILs helped do the invitation, they could have just been following MILs instructions to leave her out.

I think when it is going on for this long, DH is going to be the only one that can change the situation.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: holliberri on February 04, 2011, 12:34:40 PM
Pooh,

I think you may be right. This has been going on for nearly a decade. It's probably little wonder as to why she's not on the invitation at this point.

I hadn't thought about that.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: Pooh on February 04, 2011, 12:42:20 PM
Quote from: pam1 on February 04, 2011, 12:18:21 PM
But what kind of relationship is it when you or your spouse have to demand proper treatment? 

If someone can't be consistently kind and civil without their hand being forced it's likely that most people will not stay in the situation. 

You are so right Pam.  My first marriage was for 21 years.  For the first 15 or so, I made excuses for him, covered for him, ignored the bad stuff, etc.  The last few years, I was so tired of trying that I basically quit.  I still did all the Mom stuff, house work and normal daily stuff, but I quit trying and started making him answer to people for his actions.  No more excuses or cover-up.  Once I did that, it didn't take long before he found a younger model that started catering to him.  He told people later that the last few years of our marriage had just gone down-hill.  I couldn't help but laugh when I heard that.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: Scoop on February 04, 2011, 12:43:22 PM
So you guys think the situation can change?  I don't think the IL's will change.  SAAD's DH might, but only if he's motivated.

SAAD, why do you care?  Cruddy people, who treat you like garbage, didn't invite you to a family reunion you didn't want to go to anyway.   WOO HOO!  You should be doing a happy dance!

You say that it's been like this for 15 years, did you really expect anything to change?  They don't like you and they don't accept you as part of their family.  Is that a club you even want to join?

One of my favourite sayings is "If you don't like something, change it.  If you can't change it, change the way you think about it."  I think you need to change the way you think about this.

There's no hope here for a better relationship.  So give it up.  You don't have to see these people if you don't want to.  EVER.  You can keep this invitation, laminate it and use it as a "Get out of jail free" card.

Moving forward, these people don't exist to you.  They're not even on your radar.  You don't have to say their names, you don't have to ask DH how his parents are, you don't have to acknowledge them if you see them in the grocery store.

That being said, it's okay for you to mourn the loss of a even the possibility of a good relationship with them.  I'm sorry, but you will never have a close, loving IL family.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: SaadMom on February 04, 2011, 01:05:01 PM
seasage I believe you missed the first part of the discussion, the "I'm ready to plant myself where I can grow" comment was replying to a wise comment from Luise. At this point if DH does not shows me his support and talk to his parents about their unacceptable behavior/treatment, I'll have to consider all the options to take care of myself. He is a great husband, and that is why I have put with this situation for so long. But at this point it is affecting our relationship, I'm resenting him....
I don't expect DH to solve my problems, but they are his parents and he knows how to "handle" them much better. Also it is out of respect and somehow not wanting to make the situation worst. After all, believe it or not I would like to have a "civilized" relationship with my ILs; knowing them if I'll something it will be worst! I respect them, so I expect the same...if they don't want to see my face at the reunions or any other events that is OK with me. But do not send those kind of invitations to my house!
I agree with overwhelmed123   "I don't always think it's as simple as that", all this years I put the other cheek because I really don't want DH relationship with ILs to be affected; but now I can't take it any longer!

Thank you All!
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: penelope on February 04, 2011, 03:50:33 PM
if they have had this attitude for so many years,don't you think any acceptance at this point is fake?
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: LaurieS on February 04, 2011, 03:59:30 PM
I see Saadmom saying that a relationship with dh's family would be nice but not required.. but that she is fully fed up with dh smiling like an idiot as he is refusing to see how cruel his parents are being to his wife and their children.  To try and convince her that everything is ok.. that it's just their way etc is a slap in the face.  I can see why she is feeling resentful towards him.. his parents are secondary, it's him that is showing a lack of concern for her... He has devalued her as a partner in order to straddle that fence a little longer.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: stilltryen on February 04, 2011, 04:09:43 PM
Put the invitation back into the envelope, reseal it and write across the front, "No longer at this address," and send the bloody thing back.  If they call DH and say anything, just look at him and say, "It was an invitation to a family reunion that I wasn't invited to.  I've been married to you for 15 years, if I'm not part of the family, then neither are you, so I sent it back."  Glare at him for a long solid moment to get your point across, then add, "And if I ever get anything else from your family addressed to only you, it will be sent back again.  We are partners in this marriage and I will be treated as such.  Am I making myself clear on this subject?"
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: holliberri on February 04, 2011, 04:20:07 PM
Oh, now I like that, StillTryen...
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: Pen on February 04, 2011, 04:26:45 PM
Good one, ST!
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: luise.volta on February 04, 2011, 04:46:43 PM
Perfect!
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: SaadMom on February 04, 2011, 05:06:11 PM
Quote from: Laurie on February 04, 2011, 03:59:30 PM
I see Saadmom saying that a relationship with dh's family would be nice but not required.. but that she is fully fed up with dh smiling like an idiot as he is refusing to see how cruel his parents are being to his wife and their children.  To try and convince her that everything is ok.. that it's just their way etc is a slap in the face.  I can see why she is feeling resentful towards him.. his parents are secondary, it's him that is showing a lack of concern for her... He has devalued her as a partner in order to straddle that fence a little longer.

Laurie, you got it; that's exactly how I feel!

stilltryen It's done, I'll mail it first thing tomorrow. Thank you for the suggestion!

Thank you Ladies you are great!
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: LaurieS on February 06, 2011, 06:27:43 PM
I saw that you are online and thought I'd check to see if you were feeling any better today.  I know it's hard to be caught in the middle of the 'what should I do world'.. and sometimes just getting angry is enough for dh to sit up and take notice that fun and games is over.  I do hope for the sake of your marriage, your kids, and yourself that your dh does see the position that he has helped to put you into.  Keep up posted on your progress.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: SaadMom on February 06, 2011, 08:42:07 PM
Thank you Laurie, you are a Sweetheart!

Yes, everything is going OK. I did inform DH my plans of returning the invitation (afterall was his, not mine ;D) and he agreed.
He expressed how disappointed he was about his parents behavior, but tried to minimize it because did not want me to feel "worst" :o
Talked about calling them on Sunday (today), and I told him I will call them if he did not feel comfortable. But he agreed that it was different to ask WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME than to let them  know how hurt and insulted he was when he received an invitation that did not include his wife. My only request was for him to be respectfull as always (and he did). He though I was so strong all this years because I hardly said anything about their behavior and like me he was hoping for them to "change" somehow.... He did call today, and did not go well. MIL did not say anything and told him she was on her way out! :(


P.S. Sorry about the past and present talking. Trying to keep you posted about two different events :)
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: LaurieS on February 06, 2011, 08:59:40 PM
You guys aren't going to change her overnight.. but this gave you an opportunity to lay out your feelings.. in that respect it went well.  Glad there were some positives in the outcome.. as I said.. keep us posted, we're all behind you.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: lancaster lady on February 07, 2011, 12:55:19 AM
Now she knows how you both feel ..and DH has finally realised how you feel.hopefully from now on he will support you . Give her something to.think about....especially coming from her DS ..changed days ahead hopefully ..
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: Pooh on February 07, 2011, 06:11:38 AM
I say, "Woo Hoo" for DH!  He stepped up, validated your feelings and let his Mother know it was hurtful.  Now the ball is in her court to hear it and do something about it.  But what a big step for you and DH!  Progress!!!!!  Yay!
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: holliberri on February 07, 2011, 06:23:39 AM
I think that's great that he called her...at the very least, he called her out on her behavior. At least that points out that it's unacceptable to him. I don't know if things will get better with that side of the family (although I hope they do), but I see that your DH definitely stands by his wife! A very good thing!
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: luise.volta on February 07, 2011, 07:17:03 AM
I know DH couldn't and shouldn't say this but I would have had to stuff a pumpkin in my mouth not to say to her..."That's right. Glad you got it. You are on your way out!"
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: holliberri on February 07, 2011, 07:19:23 AM
Luise...times like this I wish I had a "promote" button for comments. That's great!
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: SaadMom on February 07, 2011, 11:29:31 AM
Luise: I couldn't stop laughing after reading your comment!
I could imagine her face, but DH is not as sharp as you .....  ;D
HUGS
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: luise.volta on February 07, 2011, 01:02:49 PM
I am incredibly good of thinking of sharp responses...(the next day...)  :-[
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: Mama Tani on February 24, 2011, 06:44:38 PM
Dear Saadmom, I have posted for the first time today!  It is wonderful seeing so many women band together to support each other.  I am a MIL.  First, I want to say how sorry I am that you are having this problem.  It is indeed sad!!!  I think many MILs would feel blessed to have a DIL so diligent to have a relationship with her...thank you so much for your efforts!  Here goes my advice?  I would see if your husband would be willing to stand beside you by not going, since you and your children were not invited...this would speak louder than words to his parents!  If not, have you tried to hit the nail on the head and speak directly to your MIL/FIL and tell her/him your feelings (using logic and keeping cool)?  I know this would work with me....but you may have already tried this.  I will tell you that emotions can make us more sensitive than it merits at times; yet, in your case I think I would feel the same.  I would suggest you don't give up..but stand your ground.  A hard balance to maintain.  I realize this is not helpful... but hang in there!  The concern I have the most for you is the conflict and stress this has brought on your relationship with your husband.  He sounds like he has never stood up to his parents...this leaves you hanging on a limb without a ladder.  I believe that your relationship with your husband and his family is very important to you... or the pain would be nonexistent.  Keep your relationship strong with your DH.  I think if you had truly given up...we would not be reading your blog!  I feel this outreach shows you care!  Know that trying will be seen by others... and may grow fruit.  Is there anyone else in HIS family that you can build a relationship with; that can help you mold into the family?  What about other kids that can hang-out with your children...children can be very giving.  Good-Luck! 
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: Nana on February 24, 2011, 08:55:04 PM
I loved this post saad mom....and I enjoyed (like in a movie) how your husband open up to you and most important, supported you.  I guess deep down he never lost hope that things would change and we can see he doesnt like confrontations. 

You are a very good person...and better than I (just as Laurie said). You have taken a lot of this trash fron in-laws  I would have not been able to control myself.   Your patience produced good seed, now your husband admires you (we all do lol).

Luise....I loved the "planting oneself where we can grow" awesome...   

Saad Mom.... Let go of all those who dont love you.  Learn to live with what you have and you will be fine.  You are losing nothing, because your mil has nothing to give.  Sorry it turned out this way, you deserved more.  How many mil's would love having a dil who really cared about them.   

Good luck

Nana
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 25, 2011, 05:45:18 AM
Quote from: Mama Tani on February 24, 2011, 06:44:38 PM
If not, have you tried to hit the nail on the head and speak directly to your MIL/FIL and tell her/him your feelings (using logic and keeping cool)?  I know this would work with me....but you may have already tried this.   

I'm too logical for my own good lol and my MIL is NOT logical at all. Can I adopt you? lol
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: Pooh on February 25, 2011, 05:54:44 AM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on February 25, 2011, 05:45:18 AM
Quote from: Mama Tani on February 24, 2011, 06:44:38 PM
If not, have you tried to hit the nail on the head and speak directly to your MIL/FIL and tell her/him your feelings (using logic and keeping cool)?  I know this would work with me....but you may have already tried this.   

I'm too logical for my own good lol and my MIL is NOT logical at all. Can I adopt you? lol

Me too ADIL, except I'm too logical and my DIL is unemotional...does that count?  And Nana, like always...is my hero!
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 25, 2011, 06:03:03 AM
Like sociopathic unemotional? Because that would be scary! lol I'm not "unemotional," but my MIL would probably say that I am because I did not lose my cool or give an emotional response when she was trying to manipulate me into having SIL as a bridesmaid.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: pam1 on February 25, 2011, 06:22:18 AM
I'm unemotional and cold lol.  It's amazing how people will perceive you, especially when they dislike you.  I never realized being respectful of others feelings was unemotional.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: Pooh on February 25, 2011, 06:29:11 AM
Lol.  Not unemotional in that sense.  Unemotional in that she doesn't care if she hurts anyone else as long as she is getting her way. 
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: pam1 on February 25, 2011, 07:38:56 AM
Just curious, but does she work Pooh?
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: Pooh on February 25, 2011, 07:47:34 AM
She does.  Her Father helped her get an internship at a very, well known company.  He has worked there for 30 years.  They offered her an internship while she was attending College at the same time, with the option to hire her full-time after she graduates.  It's a great job, and pays well.  She's making more than I do working 3 days a week and stands to make a great salary if she stays there.  It is a good place to work, and I am very glad she she got it.  My DS had the same arrangement with another company and was doing well.  They bought a house last year, and started having financial problems.  I don't know the details (because I didn't ask), but the house was not new, and I have been told after they moved in, they had multiple problems with things at the house that were expensive.  So my son quit college, at her urging, and started working full time.....I'm not going there......
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 25, 2011, 07:52:29 AM
Quote from: Pooh on February 25, 2011, 07:47:34 AM
I don't know the details (because I didn't ask), but the house was not new, and I have been told after they moved in, they had multiple problems with things at the house that were expensive.  So my son quit college, at her urging, and started working full time.....I'm not going there......

That stinks! DH and I had a contract on our dream home (Well within our comfortable price zone), but before closing we found out it needed a LOT of work that would have to be escrowed. We could have still afforded it, but money would have been soooooo tight, I wasn't willing to risk it. It needed... A new roof, new sliding glass door, 2 new windows, new plaumbing, new electrical work to get it up to code, a new driveway, and who knows what else. So glad we were able to get out of the contract. The house we bought now is great! :-) (except for the Grinch-Green kitchen that I desperately want to paint! lol)
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: pam1 on February 25, 2011, 07:54:38 AM
Yeah, I was wondering.  Since her father helped her get a job it sounds like their values are more like "get ahead at all costs"  Yikes. 

Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: cd1029 on February 25, 2011, 08:47:27 AM
If only his name is on the invite, then only he is invited.

Do you want to go to this event?

You might consider what others have suggested which is to plan a great day for yourself and the children and stop going to any events with his family and stop having them come to your home.

You are being disrespected and if that is okay with your husband, that is a sad thing indeed.

And you have to ask yourself why you stay with a man who doesn't respect you.  That is your part in all this.

You can't change their behavior or attitudes, but you can change yourself.

Ask yourself 'what do I deserve?  what am I willing to settle for?'

Because you are settling.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: cd1029 on February 25, 2011, 08:53:36 AM
" He is a great husband, and that is why I have put with this situation for so long. But at this point it is affecting our relationship, I'm resenting him...."

How do you describe a great husband?  One who doesn't stick up for you?  One who puts his parents before you?

I wouldn't describe that as great at all.
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: cd1029 on February 25, 2011, 08:57:06 AM
"Talked about calling them on Sunday (today), and I told him I will call them if he did not feel comfortable."

Why would you call them?  ARe you doing your part to treat him like a child who can't speak for himself?
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: Nana on February 25, 2011, 10:46:16 AM
Thanks Pooh....good to be someone's hero (lol)---made my day.

Love you. 
Title: Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
Post by: Pooh on February 28, 2011, 08:12:10 AM
Your welcome Nana.  Love ya too!  ;D

Pam, I have mixed feelings on her job.  I am all for someone opening a door for you (friend, family, etc.) and I don't see anything wrong with him helping her because it is a hard place to get a job.

But, it is also a pattern for her parents to do everything for her and hand her everything.  So I also think it is just another thing that she didn't have to work for, and will not appreciate.  She would expect it.

I would help a friend get a job, if I thought they were qualified, but I wouldn't do it if they expected me to find them a job....yeah...I just confused myself with that thought....LOL