A couple of other topics made me realize that I probably do things that may give the wrong impression unintentionally. So I have been thinking about this today, and how easily some of it could be misunderstood by my DIL thinking it is personally directed at her. So I thought I would compose a list of things I could think of. Much of it is due to how I was raised and some of it is just what I consider good manners and how I think about life.
I am not saying any of it is the right thing to do, just that I do it. And none of them have anything to do with my DIL personally, but maybe she takes some of it personally. It's things I do to everyone, but it got me thinking that maybe she thinks its personal.
1. I put leftovers in tupperware and then ask if anyone wants to take some home - I do this for a couple of reasons. Because if I have company, I usually cook a bunch of stuff and me and DH will not eat it all before it spoils or gets thrown away. I also do this because I love when I get sent home from my Mother's or MILs with leftovers and don't have to cook a meal, or have goodies to munch on.
2. When I get invited to someone's house, I bring something. It varies depending on the occasion and who the people are. It could be a dessert, a bottle of wine or some kind of yummy snack. I do this because I was raised not to ever go empty-handed and because I want to show appreciation for the invite.
3. When invited to a kid's birthday party and there are other small children (siblings), I bring them a gift. The birthday person gets the better present, but the others get something. I have always done this because I want to...Lol.
4. If someone is putting together an event and invites me, I will ask if there is something I can do to help. I don't do this because I think they can't manage it, I just like to help and contribute.
5. I am a planner. If I am planning an event, I would like to know if you are coming so I can have enough food and things for everyone, but not have a ton and no one show up. If you have other plans, just tell me. But if you are vague and maybe-ish, then I will probably call and ask for a definate before the event. This is not done to bug you, just for my own benefit in planning.
6. I believe in passing on special heirlooms in the manner in which it has always been done. For example: We have quilts that have been passed down to the women in our family for 4 generations. I did not have a girl, so when I pass them next, it will be to my niece (the only girl in the family). This is not a slight to my DIL, but she may be thinking that. If I had a DIL that I truly got along with and loved with all my heart, my niece would still be getting them.
7. When I buy a present for anyone, it is always with the intention that it would be something they would like or could use. I put thought into items before I purchase it. So if I give you something that you have no idea why I would buy you such a thing, I promise....I thought it would be a good present. There is no hidden agenda and I could be very wrong.
8. When I give advice, and many times unsolicited, it's not because I think I am better or that I know more. It is simply me thinking I am being helpful and maybe a trick or two I have learned over the years. I don't think you have to follow it, or agree with it, and it is something I am working on...but it slips out at times.
9. When I am telling stories about my family, or about my Sons, it is because I want to share our history. I am not trying to make you feel like I liked it better back then because you were not around, or trying to bore you.
Ok, that's some of things I could think of...I am sure there are tons more. Maybe our MILs and DILs here can post some of the things they do that they can think of, that could be taken personally but isn't meant to be. And I know we are all here because we have an issue with a person, and I am not talking about the things we KNOW they do on purpose, or things that they take personally because everything is personal with them, but maybe some of the things we know we do and our true intentions behind them?
Food for thought. Thanks.
I think when I was misunderstood by my elder DS and DIL that it probably wouldn't have mattered what I did or said. Exception would have been taken without exception. The other side of the coin is that my younger DS and DIL don't take exception over anything. I don't think that was/is about me at all.
No, I think you are totally right. I am like that. It really is hard to get me riled up because I don't take many things personally. And we can't change how people are, and some are going to get upset by anything we do and we are never going to fix them. But I like to take a look at myself in the mirror sometimes and work on things about myself.
Good idea, Pooh! Oh, this should be pretty easy for me:
1.) I clam up on Skype. It's not intentional, but I just find the conversation flow easier through Instant Message/Phone conversations. I feel like they actually allow me to be more open b/c I am in the privacy of my own home, normally in PJs or sweats. People that catch me like this get a much better version of me than they do on a Skype phone call.
2.) I have dolls that were bought for my DD in my own personal curio cabinet. I know they're not mine, but I broke all my dolls when I was younger and I'm disappointed that I didn't take care of them and can't pass them on to her. I'd like DD to have her porcelain dolls as keepsakes, not toys.
3.) I scheduled our class reunion for Thanksgiving weekend b/c that's the tradition at our school; it really wasn't to conveniently throw a monkeywrench into possible family holidays...it's just the weekend our school has always done it, so people expect it and plan for it in advance. We get a better turn out that way. (I'd LOVE to have it on any weekend but that, but I'm not sure there would be a reunion at all, otherwise). Besides...it's only once every 10 years.
4.) I don't invite my family around when I'm with my ILs. Our family time with the ILs is their time. This has made me appear to be really selective at times, and it has also sometimes lead to my ILs feeling unwelcomed by my family. I wouldn't care if my ILs came to my family events, though. I just think they see so little of us that they need all of the attention when we happen to be with them, so I'm not dragging my family along; I'm not really trying to just keep the two families apart.
5.) I post pics and make announcements on FB before I show anyone else (even DH). It's become part of my identity, it's nothing personal. If DH minded, I would change, but since he beat me to the status update with the announcement of DD's arrival, I don't think he minds. I don't think any other person is entitled to hear that information first besides him. I post my status, then make the phone call rounds. If there's something especially important that I'm keeping to myself for a long time, I generally do tell family first, though: like when I got pregnant in the first place, or our adoption plans. Mark my words though, when we get a "gotcha" date, FB is the first place I'm going.
6.) I try not to take home leftovers, I feel like I'm putting people out. I have NO idea why...now that I think about it. LOL. I might need to just adjust that.
7.) I don't help in the kitchen at other people's houses, but only b/c when they come to mine, I feel that cooking is my job to do. I stay out of their kitchen in hopes they'd stay out of mine (I've never had anyone coming into my kitchen trying to help though, so it's been good). I do, however, clear the table and do dishes, no matter where I'm at. If I was asked to help with food prep, I certainly wouldn't mind, though; I do love to cook.
8.) If something bad has happened, or someone is hurt, or one of my pets is hurt, that takes precedence over fun times. My responsibility comes first. It's not personal, and I'm not trying to throw a monkeywrench into things, but taking care of others in need is something I was taught early on. Things happen, we rearrange and readjust. Fortunately, this stuff doesn't happen often. I'm not intentionally trying to create problems, but sometimes they do happen, and no matter which relatives I was with, I'd change plans. My parents taught me that anything less was unacceptable. If there is help to be offered, you offer it. That, and, I'm a crazy ridiculous animal lover. I see where people think I'm putting others before them, but it's really more about me putting others before myself; I miss out on the fun times too.
Quote from: Pooh on March 02, 2011, 12:54:06 PM
No, I think you are totally right. I am like that. It really is hard to get me riled up because I don't take many things personally. And we can't change how people are, and some are going to get upset by anything we do and we are never going to fix them. But I like to take a look at myself in the mirror sometimes and work on things about myself.
I know this is all we can do...and I've tried to work on things that I can work on within myself...so I've been trying to invite my family around more. I also do Skype, just rather quietly. I'm not 100% on this stuff though (nor am I on the other things I'm changing)...so I find myself doing it one way to make peace and then another to stay who I am. It creates some inconsistency.
It truly does. I do try to work on things about myself that I know I can improve. But some things like morals, ethics and such are things I don't compromise. I find that is when I clash with people more than anything. I totally cut off a best friend of 12 years a few years back because she was cheating on her husband. Her husband was a real SOB and it hurt her deeply when I told her I couldn't be friends with her. I hated it, but I couldn't do it.
I can't compromise my morals (#8 is just never changing). There's wiggle room on 1-7 (except for the class reunion this year, and hopefully 2021, but it's hard stepping out of that comfort zone of mine. I can do it in certain instances, but others, I'm stuck.
I find that I can be compromising if I do something that bugs you and you let me know. Like the leftovers thing we both listed. If you explain that it makes you feel awkward, I will not offer them to you again. It doesn't mean I will not offer them to those there that like them, but I will respect that it makes you feel awkward. I think you can be compromising without losing yourself on some things.
Eggshells...
Pooh ............I would love to come to your house anytime and have you round anytime ! You are soo homey and sound like a lovely genuine person and I would love you as a friend ...... why does every gesture have to have a second meaning? People should accept kind people for who they are .....just nice !
Thank you LL, I appreciate that. I wish it was like that too. No one looking for the hidden agenda, not having to sit there and watch everything you do or say because you are afraid someone will take it wrong....it's just sad. My DH sends me texts all the time that could have a double meaning, depending on which way I want to take them. I simply ask him what he meant by it and he tells me. I don't get why other people can't.
Pooh
I am a born hostess. I like to have people (especially family or close friendsy) visit and do my best to keep them happy,
I also keep leftovers in tuppers and offer them to my visitors to take home. Never had a problem with it.
I also like to give meaningful things when choosing a gift. I like to buy things for friends when I see something they might like...even if it is not a special ocassion.
I hate to be kept waiting.
My children make fun of me because I am an unbelievable distracted person. They say that when I am saying something, I sometimes stop in the middle of the sentence. Then they ask "what mom" and I answer ""what of what". (lol) My dad was like that too.
I love to go shopping...dont do it often....because when I do....I spend every single cent I have. In fact when my husband need to go to Costco....he rather goes without me....he says that he is terrified of taking me. (I love Costco).
Love to go out with friends (have 3 very close ones). Cant do it very often because I keep myself busy tutoring at home. But my favorite places for enjoyment are Casinos. Oh God....do I love slot machines and to play 21 (BlackJack) in tables. I do control my gambling though. If I have a chance to travel....I choose Vegas.
I like to write a lot. Have written poems...to my mom, to my grandchildren....and to all the important women who touched my life.
When I am sad or have a turmoil in my head...I like to write my feelings down in form of a letter....and then destroy it so that noone reads it.
I am a very readable person. Some say that I am ïntense". You know if I am happy, sad, angry, depressed. It shows immediately. Can help it!
Love you Pooh
.
Hee hee Nana (ssshhhh....I'm a closet penny slot machine addict...lucky for me...casinos are illegal here!)
Love you too Nana!
Hi Pooh
The problem here is there are casinos all over the area. Was an addict too...(in remission now) I dont go as often now....but I will always love slotmachine. hihi
Bye
I am a born guest, so hostesses love me. ;D ;D ;D
And I have never gambled. I have also never tried heroine. Makes sense to me. ;D ;D ;D
Ha Luise! I haven't either (heroine) and I can't gamble big money. All I can think of when putting that down is, "House payment, car payment, electric bill..." But I do love me some penny slots. Of course I look like a big stupid when I play because I can't resist pulling the handle although it's got all the electronic buttons now. And I miss the noise of the coins falling into the tray. But I only get to do it a couple of times a year, and I set myself on a limit, and once that's gone...it's gone.
I have an addictive bent...so learned long ago that if sugar could take me down, other things were probably standing in line. :o ;D
;D
Me too Pooh....once is gone....I go for more...hihi (chasing my loses). That is why I not go that often anymore. I rather spent my money on my babies (gk).
Love
Well Pooh, just so you know, I don't think you should have to work on ANY of those except MAYBE the unsolicited advice. None of those are slights against anyone, and if they take it that way then it's THEIR problem to fix, not yours. You're a polite, thoughtful person. You ask if someone needs help, and you are generous and giving. Why in the heck should you have to work on those things? I hope you don't change that because one person is determined to take it the wrong way.
My eldest son nailed me on the unsolicited advice and my younger son thinks it's priceless. Go figure! ???
Thanks OW. I have been working on that one, because it just kind of blurts out of me before I think. I have always been a very logical thinker when it comes to an issue, and I am good at taking the emotion out of it. I do this at work, my own life, etc. So I have many co-workers, friends and family that come to me and tell me things, asking, "What would you do?". People tell me that they like to talk to me because I will tell them the good and the bad, and because I can take the emotion out of it. I am a firm believer that emotion makes us who we are, but also that emotions clutter up an issue 99% of the time. So I think over time, I have just got used to injecting my "two cents".
Not saying that's right, actually it's totally wrong, but now I am trying to break that habit. And when I am trying to break a bad habit, I always start by looking at why I do it. It's not an excuse, just a "how did I get here?" thing with me. I have to recognize why I do it, so I can work on not doing it.
DH and I were talking about our SIL last night. He is not the one I would have picked out, but he has certainly turned into the one person that I know is the one for her! She was such a picky eater all her life. He likes to cook, so has gotten her to eat lots and lots of foods that never would have otherwise. There are some things that she will not eat at all though. Whenever I make soups, I generally save him a bowl and send it to him whenever she/they are over. His biggest compliments are wanting the recipes so he can makethem also.
So, sharing food is a way to bond with him. I am glad he is my SIL. Also, he is the father of my granddaughter and he loves both of his girls.
Isn't that so nice that he naturally helps bring her more out of her shell? I love hearing things like that, FAFE.
There Holli....I changed my tagline just for you! Ba ha ha...... 8)
LOL. That was also in reference to the "puppies" post.
Seriously, I believe the meaningless conversation is the glue that holds this place together (along with Luise and Kirk :) ), and that it says volumes about us that we can chit chat about something other than our problems. That, and, I never really thought it was meaningless.
Laurie has me cleaning from top to bottom with vinegar now, I'm going to start calling you Dr. Pooh for your simple but near universal marriage tips, and Luise has me writing in 72 font letters (to be deleted) when I'm upset. I can't even think of all the things ladies have mentioned that I've tried out and liked...and I think I've only been here since the new year.
Oh I got it as soon as I saw it...lol. If we only concentrated on our issues and problems, this would be a sad place. I love the laughter and household advice mixed in with the issues. It helps me remember that life goes on, and we are blessed with many things besides our issues.
I get much from this forum, that has nothing to do with issues.
I also like when you guys start with your "meaningless" conversations giving a turning point to our emotional issues. You make me Laugh.... sometimes we need laughter and forget about all that is hurting us. We women are awesome haha.
Love you all...even dils (hi hi...just joking)....I have learned a lot from dils as well and I love them. I have even wish some where my dils.
I thought your list was full of very good manners...the only one I thought I didn't agree with is if it's a childs birthday then that should be the only person getting a present. That's nice you are so giving, but I can see how that might even make others uncomfortable who ONLY brought birthday girl or boy something. Also, as far as the quilt I don't think it is wrong you give it to the niece but I would never mention it to the DIL because I could see how she may feel slighted...if you do feel she was upset about it maybe give her another family heirloom or something special that you wouldn't mind her having. :)
But we all do things naturally for one reason or another, and it's not exactly to make people feel slighted or make others uncomfortable. We're just being us. We can't make everyone happy 100% of the time. I think the point of Pooh's post was to step outside of herself and just see why someone else might be bothered by something she did. I know that's at least what I felt encouraged to do in my post. But still, I think it proves that just because we do something, we're not trying to hurt other people, it is just who we are. It also got me thinking about my feelings about others' behavior; not everythign is personal, they aren't trying to slight me, they just are who they are.
Also Holli , I think it.depends on the mood you are in at the time how things affect you .
Although some people I know are itching for an argument 24/7 ....sad.way to live .
Ha! LL...go visit the "Cut Off" post for a prime example of just how my moods can affect me.
I know what you mean.
If someone is itching for an argument, I think the "they aren't trying to slight me" approach would be pretty effective at avoiding an argument. It takes two to argue, so if I look at the things people do and say, and I can perceive it in a positive light instead of a negative one, I probably won't be arguing with them. The net effect is that I don't give them what they want. Great in theoryk, hard in practice. :-\
Actually, Holli was right. With the exception of the unsolicited advice, the rest is things I just do, and will continue to do. It's not about being right or wrong, it's just who I am. I was simply thinking that if I could remember that I do things without bad intentions, that it would make me remember that someone else was probably doing that too. Now if someone said, please don't bring all my children a gift, I wouldn't, but just that I don't do it for any other reason than I like too.
Pooh:
when some people are naturally warm and kind , there are others who go out of their way to
disprove this fact . As they themselves are not this way , they find it hard to believe and find fault
in every kind act .
Thanks LL. Isn't it just sad though that people can't just be nice without repercussions? Ahhh....my perfect world...
Mine Too !
Kind gestures towards others makes a difference in everyone's day , a smile costs nothing .