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Thank you all for responding and giving me advice and knowledge regarding your own experiences.

My AC are very responsible, educated and well liked.  We were a tight farm family but that started to disintegrate when the spouses entered the picture.  Especially my oldest AD's husband.  He is a smooth talking, back biting, unforgiving person.  I have always kept my opinion to myself when it comes to him, because I did not want to make my AD's life any harder.  They have two little boys and she once told me she will not leave because she couldn't stand another woman being part of their lives.   BUT, these little ones are already following by example.  She is the major caregiver so that is a plus.

My other AD's husband is pretty mellow, but has shouldered a lot of the fallout from me leaving and the horrific relationship my ex and other SIL have.   He talks to me, tells me what is going on regarding the farm, and ex.  I recently told him it's best I don't know about these incidents as there is nothing I can do about them, only harbor more guilt and a sour stomach.

My AS and his girlfriend have pretty much taken over the dairy farm, and are working their tails off.  The girlfriend is bitter because she feels I dumped my ex on them.  We have gotten closer these last few months, but I have to remember my boundaries with her, my AS and the farm.

My ex is truly depressed.  Maybe it is a way of garnering sympathy, but it's gone on way to long.  He needs an outside intervention, as his sisters and family have tried everything to break him out of it.  I do fear he may be suicidal, then lets talk about guilt...

I should count my lucky stars for the involvement I do have with my AC and GS's.  I work on being mindful and happy, but sometimes I feel really let down when they don't want to know a thing regarding my life.  The girlfriend told me I am living two lives...OUCH!  But when I thought about it, I guess I am.  They have completely negated my partner, and when I have mentioned his name, their expression goes sour. 

Well, again, thank you so much for all you insights.  As I write this I have the nightly news on and I have it pretty good when you see what is happening in the world.

Merry After Christmas:  Agree with the day after being a very special day.  I wrote you a couple years ago after leaving my life behind and moving into my mothers house.  Fast forward:  I am still living in, what is now, my house which I inherited after my mom passed in 2014.  My divorce was finalized a year and a half ago, and my ex has plunged into a deep, dark depression.  Our three AC live within a mile of him, but are having less and less contact with him, as he is isolating everyone around him.

I have slowly reestablished a relationship with my two AD's and AS, by making contact via texting, emails and cards.  I babysit my grandsons, and occasionally am allowed to have them at my house to spend a few hours if my new love is not here.  My AC keep me at arms length, never asking me how or what I am doing.  Everything is generic.  They obviously don't approve of my new life and new love, and it does cause conflict with my new relationship.  I am grateful for every minute of involvement I have in their lives.

So here is my question:  My ex is suffering from depression, which he was dealing with before the divorce, but now has plummeted deeper into this terrible illness.  I shoulder a lot of guilt for leaving him, and the consequences of how it has affected my family.  I would like to help him, or at least talk with him, but he is very angry.  I texted him a Christmas greeting wishing him a peaceful day, and his response was, "there is no peace in this world, maybe the next, we can only hope".  Is there anything I can do to help him, or help my AC dealing with him?  Should I even contact him?  I have asked my AC how he is doing, but they are very hesitant to say too much to me.  I see the hurt in their faces if the subject is broached.  So I am very careful when and what I ask. 

My AC will never accept my new life so long as their father is unhappy!

Good Morning Footloose:
I too have accepted what is, and have choose to move forward.  Your words are my actions...and this forum gave me direction and comforted me in a sort of strange way, knowing others were experiencing similar situations.  I watch very little television now, and only listen to my kind of music on the radio, no facebook, and limit what I search out on the web.  I have rediscovered reading, and found some great self help books.  Media has a way of telling us how "Life Should Be", so I am choosing to ignore these messages and find my own path.  I must admit, with the upcoming holidays, little thoughts of past family gatherings and the fun we experienced creep in to haunt me, and I start to mourn that those times are over, so I then try and channel my energy else where. 

I don't think you ever completely get over the hurt caused by others, but time has a way of easing it.

Good Luck and enjoy your new digs.

Lokin4ananswer

Hi Kate:  Do your self and favor and rid your self of FB.  The less you know the better off you are, especially if you want to put the hurt behind you.  I deleted my account almost one year ago and don't miss it one bit.  I will admit I have gone on my sisters account a couple times and viewed through a mutual friend of my sister and my ODD, pictures taken of my DGC and after doing that, I go into this funk for days.  I think FB has caused more problems in our lives than good.  We are too interconnected through social media, cell phones and texting.  Everything has become so not personal.  When is the last time you sat down and wrote a hand written letter to someone you cared about or received one?  I sent my DS a letter a few weeks ago and even though he didn't respond, I know he had to hold it in his hands and read it, and I want to believe he kept that letter, tucked it away, and maybe someday will pull it back out and read it again.  I can dream, can't I?  Where as a text, or FB or any instant messaging is easily read, deleted and forgotten.   Hang in there...read a good self help book that builds our esteem.  Good Luck..

Hello All:  Well my mom passed on June 28th.  I had asked for your input as to whether I should contact my AC and let them know their Grandmother was dying.  You overwhelmingly encouraged me to let them know so they could make their own decision whether to visit her one last time.  Thank you...I did just that.  Out of my three AC, my ODD immediately texted me set up a time for the next day to come visit her.  She was visibly upset after spending an hour or so holding her GM's hand, but she was still very distant to me.  I live next door to my sister who was taking care of mom, so I watched my DD's two young sons while she said her good byes to GM.  My YDD texted me two nights later with a simple message that she is upset but knows GM is now with GF.  Never heard from DS.

We did not hold a service for mom as per her wishes.  I am glad for that, as I don't think I could handle the grief I feel for the lose of mom, and the animosity my family holds towards me all in one room.  My therapist tells my AC are angry because they are now responsible for the welfare of their father and I am free.  I am sure she is right about that, but like I have read from so many other mother's, we devoted a major part, and probably best part of our short lives in raising our children, teaching them values and morals, work ethic, and godliness, only to have them judge and turn their backs on us.  For as mad as my addictive sister makes me, I always seem to forgive her and attempt to rekindle a sisterly relationship.  How can my AC carry such a grudge for so long? 

I am so glad I have this group of wonderful wise women.  I agree, just writing it down seems therapeutic.   

 

In my past posts I have written about how unaccepting  my AC have been where I am concerned.  When I do see them, it is on their terms, like me driving one of them to the doctor, or baby sitting (which I love), but it always comes in the form of them needing my help.  I have told them I will always be here for them and will do what I can when I can.  They never ask me how I am doing or feeling, it simply is me asking them standard questions and them answering them.  I try to engage them in conversations, but to no avail. 

Well, their GM, my DM is in end stage dementia.  She has been moved home to my sisters to be taken care of until she passes.  None of my AC have asked how Grandma is doing, not one word....and she was a big part of their growing up years.  They live 7 miles away and have made no attempt to see her.  It hurts me to think they are so callous towards their dying grandma.  So my question is, do I call or text them to tell them that their GM  has been given a 1 to 2 week life expectancy, or just wait till she passes and let them know then?  We have decided there will be no calling hours, or service because of the splintering of not only my family but extended family.  Isn't it sad that this is what it comes to? 

We all make choices, and I guess we have to accept the consequences of our choices.

Thanks for listening..

Hello LM:  I am rather new to this site also, and when I discovered this site, I felt like someone or something guided me here.  I have found insight and comfort in the responses to my posts, and surprised to see I am not the only one going through this.  Take the time to explore all the posts, and trust me, you will build some inner strength to make decisions that are best for YOU.

I have three AC all in their 30's and for the past 14 months I have been shunned, called names, and reeled in and cast back out leaving me confused and hopeless.  But as I make amends with myself, I feel stronger and better able to handle life.  This past Wednesday, as I was minutes from work, my oldest DD called me out of desperation asking if I could watch her youngest son, as he woke up sick, because she doesn't have anymore time to use at her workplace.  I turned around, drove an extra half hour and spent the day with my DGS.  When my daughter got home from work, I decided to brooch the subject of her father's manipulation of garnering my AC attentions during our divorce.  I briefly stated that the divorce was between him and I, and he should not involve them in this process.  Her face turned to stone and she stated, very bluntly I might add, that she and her siblings are adults and they form their own opinions.  She also stated she can't do this alone, meaning raising her family, as her husband seems to be doing his own thing most of the time and she unfortunately needs to call on extra help, meaning me.    Well, talk about road blocks, I knew if I pursued this conversation, it was going to only get worse and accomplish nothing but more hard feelings.  So, I simply told her that I loved her, and am here for her and will do what I can, when I can for her.  I gave her a hug before I left and she thanked me.

I know she is hurting inside and needs time to sort through her feelings, but I also know her hurt is not all about me and my decisions to leave her father.  She has a lot of anger and emotions to work through, and I pray she finds the strength to discover herself sooner than later.  I even asked her is she would be willing to go to a counselor with me, and she responded by saying, "not now".  Later that day, I called her to tell her about something I saw in someone's flower garden and thought she would be able to implement into her own gardens.  She seemed very receptive to this call and I felt good after hanging up. 

Another big event that happened this week was my 2DD has another baby boy, that makes three boys, all under age of 6 years old.  Her husband told me it was okay to come for a visit at the hospital, which I did.  I spent 2.5 hours with her and the little bundle, when her father comes in, bearing flowers and a gift for her.  He was furious when he saw me their and stormed in telling my daughter he loved her and would be back later.  I told him to stay, that I was leaving, and put the baby down and flew out the door.  My DD had tears in her eyes, and I could feel the anguish flowing from her.  Her she is, not even 24 hours out from having a huge baby, physically hurting and very tired, hormones surging through her body and he adds more stress.  It's always been about "him".  So again, I have decided to "be there" for my AC, not talk or mention their father, and hopefully they will sort through all this hurt and anger, and want a relationship with me.  BUT, I will not be at their beckon call anymore....and this has been a big wake up call to them...I was their puppet for years.

I also sent my DS a letter stating I missed him, sharing some of my concerns about his well being and the farm and told him I loved him. 

You can only do so much.  You can't force anyone to do or feel something, just because you want them to.  Time heals, but time also gives you perspective.  Look for something to do for you.  Make small, attainable goals for yourself and set out to accomplish them.  All of a sudden, you will realize that your life is important, and you don't need your AC to give you meaning.  Once they see that you are living independently from them, they will come back, and if they don't, you may find it not as important as you do now.  Treat everyday as a special day and focus on you.  Trust me, I am just realizing all of this.  There are great self help books to read and gain knowledge..do this for YOU.

Good Luck...and rejoice for finding this site!!

 :(Hello again:  I find that I am the most lonely on Sunday evenings.  This is when all the chattering monkeys start coming out to bother me.  I have told you about my situation.  In process of this on going divorce, my XH has used my AC as his crutch, venting, looking for sympathy, and even living with my 2DD for 4 months because he couldn't stand to be in the house alone.  Threatening to go out back and throw a rope over a tree branch and ending it, so no one had to be bothered with him.  He has laid a terrible burden and responsibility on both my DD's, but mostly, my 2DD.  Consequently, she has had little contact with me for the last year, and my DS who is partners with his father on the dairy,  the same

   A few weeks ago, I asked my 2DD if I could have my DGS to celebrate his sixth birthday, and she let me.  I had a glorious six hours with him and when I returned him to his home, I spent another 3 hours with my 2DD and my other GS.  I gave the boys baths, got their pj's on, and my DD made me a cup of tea.  I felt so happy driving home.  She even texted me later to tell me my GS conquered the puzzle I gave him.  Then, again, I stopped hearing from her, and after several text's, I asked my DSIL if he could tell me what happened.  This  DSIL is married to my oldest DD and is the one who has stuck by me through all of this.  He said he knew my XH discussed my divorce proposal with all three of my AC and he was mad, and his reaction spilled over onto them.  He then took my 2DD to his attorney to counter offer.

When I found out he had involved my 2DD in our divorce proceedings, I was not only angry, but hurt that he would stoop so low, since she is 8.5 months pregnant.  So now what?  I send her a text about every 5 days asking her how she is feeling and to let me know if there is anything I can do for her now, or after the baby is born.  Of course, no response.  I  have not involved my AC in this divorce, and tried to be kind and loving to all three of my AC, through small notes, texts, or an occasional phone call where I end up leaving a voice message, and all with no response from them.

I know I am suppose to just go on living my life without my AC, but not being involved with my DGS's (4, all under the age of 6 and baby on the way) is gut wrenching.   My DGS's have great parents, so I don't have to worry about their well being, so that is one consolation.  But I am constantly looking for ways to break through.  I guess I just need to be patient, wait for this divorce to be over, and hope my AC's father, accepts all of this and moves forward and finds happiness and peace.  Once that happens, maybe things will settle down, and they will start missing me, even a little. 

Any words or thoughts from all of you out their would be very appreciative.  There is so much more going on in my life that is stressful and extremely hard to handle.  I am living in my mothers house.  My mother, who has progressive Alzheimer's, is living next door with my oldest sister.  That is another long story, but bottom line, my youngest sister, who is in her 50's, has a six figure income, and is an alcoholic/drug user, spews her venom at me about every couple months, accusing me of free loading, and on and on.  She is impossible to talk to so I basically, either walk away from her, or hang up the phone on her.  I am going to an attorney this week to find out my legal rights, and to see if it possible I could buy my mothers house. 

So between being an outcast from my immediate family and dealing with my evil sister, life hasn't been a bowl of cherries this past year. 

Thanks for listening.  Anyone been in a similar situation?

   Last week, with the strength I garnered from your acceptance, understanding and advise, I decided to contact my YDD via text asking to let me take my GS for his 6th birthday to celebrate a week early.  She replied with a "yup"...wow...I picked him up at her house, and when I walked into her home, I smiled, and gave her a big hug and kiss.  She had tears in her eye's and seemed genuinely happy to see me.  She asked I bring him home by mid afternoon.  I did, but then ended up spending another three hours at her home playing with my YGS, working in her flower beds, and giving the boys a bath.  We talked about the kids, and work and really had a nice time.

Then my ODD came walking over to do heifer chores with her son and she didn't know I was their.  When she saw me she came over and my GS came running and said, "I know who you are, you are Grandma Gigi".  We talked and I helped her with the chores.

I feel like a made some progress in my relationship with my DD's, but now fear the next development in my life and their reaction.  This summer I am planning on retiring and living between my home here and my friend's home 500 miles away.  I plan on going back and forth at will.  I have never been a free bird, making decisions day by day, doing what seems right at that given moment. 

How do I tell them my plans?  Or do I?  I have mulled it over and over in my head, what is the best way of dealing with this, and come up blank.  I guess I know that regardless of what I say and do, they will be upset and we will all take a step backwards.  Help!!

  So today my SIL, who has been the only one who has treated me with any kind of respect this last year, called to see if I needed any help getting my lawn mower ready for the season.  We talked about things in general, when I finally broached the subject of why my DD's are still refusing to have any type of relationship with me.  My SIL opened up and told me that my X is using our kids as his sounding board, basically crying poor me, how can this be happening, what am I going to do and on and on.  I am sure my DD's feel terrible for their father, but also resent having to worry and take care of him.  My SIL called him on it a couple weeks ago, and an argument ensued, and now my SIL is on the outs with the rest of the family, as he basically told his FIL to grab himself by the seat of the pants, and get on with life, that it has been over a year now, and there has to be closure.

I hate to think that I am the cause of such animosity in my family and have debated hundreds of times as to throwing in the towel, and going back, for the sake of my children....but....they are in their 30's, with their own families and my going back might make them happy, but I am afraid I would be so resentful, and again, I would be doing what everyone else expected of me, and forgoing my own happiness.  I won't do it.   Yet there are times I feel so weighted down by guilt and remorse that I let them down. 

Divorce is hard enough, and something I had never thought I would cross paths with, but life has a way of throwing curve balls, but I never thought my DD's and DS would turn away from me and resent me so.  I keep thinking I should write them each a letter, but I haven't come up with the right words to say.  I just want them to know that I love them, am sorry they are hurting, and would like them back in my life...but I doubt they are ready to hear any of those words.  Until their father accepts our situation, and stops leaning on them for support, nothing is going to change.  Everyone on the outside thought we were such a tight family, but I always thought my family was a train wreck waiting to happen, and I am afraid it's coming, and I have no control over it. 

I also want to thank you all again for responding and helping me out here...This site has proven to be the most beneficial find yet for me.  It has given me such insight. 

Thank you

First off, thank you all for such insightful words, and the hope that you have already provided to me.  I remember when I told my X I was leaving, and that I had hoped that my relationship with our children would stay the same, he said, "Well, you want your cake and eat it too."  I thought for a minute and replied that of course I did.  Funny, how many times I have thought about that and how naive I was.

I do miss the times I spent with my DS and DD's though.  It was nothing to jump in the car with one of them and run to town for groceries, just to keep each other company.  My DS is a very antisocial person within the family, but when he is out and about with his friends, he is the life of the party.  I have always wondered how that happened.  I guess years of resentment towards his fathers lack of attention finally has come to the surface.  BUT, as much as I tried, I couldn't change that relationship.  I simply burned out from life.  I am a much calmer, take it as it comes person now since moving away.  I use to be a machine, a hired man, as I was told by a close friend, not a wife.  Yikes...it took this long to figure it all out.  I hope through all of this, that there is a greater plan for not only me, but for my family, that lessons are learned, and life isn't taken for granted.

Again, thank you, my dear web friends.

Has anyone dealt with this and how did you cope?
I am in the midst of a divorce from my husband of over 36 years.  I have 2 DD and 1 DS, all in their 30's.  Both DD's are married and have 2 little boys and one on the way.  My DS has a live in girlfriend.  All live within a mile of our farm.  I have been the glue that held our family together, with little help from my x.  I have loved and done for my children unconditionally for their whole life.  I lived upstairs of my x's parents for the first 16 years of our marriage and shared a bathroom, while we worked and built the farm to where it is today, a" Dairy of Distinction".  A very difficult situation, but I survived it.  I have been unhappy for years, asking my x that we needed to work on our marriage, only to have him say he didn't do anything wrong, and he wasn't interested in pursuing counseling.   So, I gave up.  The pressures of my husbands uninterest in me,  the farm, my FT job, my kids and their spouses and the death of my father took me to the edge and I knew I needed to make a change for my own sanity.  I discovered life is short and decided that only me could make me happy. 
So one year ago, I told my family I was leaving, moving into my mothers home (10 miles away) to take care of her as she has Alzheimer's. My mom stayed in her home for the first three months I lived with her until she was placed in an assisted living facility.  That in itself was extremely stressful in a whole new way.  Since she has gone, I have continued to live in her house, and am now in the process of buying it. 
My children have pretty much ignored me for the past year.  I have, on occasion, seen my darling little GC, and they love me totally, but it has been very sporadic.  I must say things that irritate my DD's because when I think we have turned a corner, I won't hear from them for a couple months.  I have tried to show only love, through texts and cards and an occasional letter.  Last summer both my daughters came to my home and screamed at me, calling me terrible names and asked me how I could do this to their father.  They never once asked me about me and why motivated my move.   I have since started dating a wonderful, caring man, and that has really put a road block between us, but I just turned 60 and know that I need to grasp happiness now.  He lives 500 miles away, and we are planning on living between both homes.
My birthday was Sunday and I was not acknowledged at all...it hurts....Can you please tell me if there is anything I can do to at least see my GC.....I never expected them to turn on me like this.
I could tell you all sorts of stories and examples, but basically it boils down to lots of hurt, confusion and trying to cope.  I am currently seeing a wonderful counselor, and she tells me to just hang in their....